Just me

Music is truly the key to one's soul.  It can change a mood it can Express your feeling and even make you goofy.

     I relate to so many different songs at different times. I find when I get lost in music I become more at peace with myself. It can take me back to a great time or even to a first heart break, but it ignites a memory. 

     I have never met someone who relates to all genres of music like I do. Normally they stick to one area but to do that you deny yourself other emotions or feelings. 

   Example Linkin Park can get me motivated, keep me going and then turn and calm me. Funny thing is my little one has taken a liking to them as well and thought it was him who discovered the band till my roommate told him it was one of my favorite groups.

Classical can relax me and let my mind drift to things I want or take me back to when I was a child and went to the ballet with my grandparents.

Rock well that just has been in every Avenue of my life theres so much there.

The Cure and Depeche Mode got me through some trying times growing up, off spring, nirvana TLC, Seether, and soooooo many others were always being played.  My mother and siblings introduced me to eagles Beetles, beach boys and more.

When I lived in Oklahoma I started to listen to country and Allen Garth and George man did they ever hit the nail on the head 

Now where I am in my life I have all of that and sooooo many more I dont think anyone will ever understand the impact of music in my life and how grateful I am to the artists who wrote and sang the songs. 

Never close yourself off to one type of music because you may miss something great. 

Name that tune... 

"The journey is more important than the end or the start
And what it meant to me will eventually be
A memory of the time when I tried so hard"

My job requires a lot.  I knew this passing was coming and as I say good bye this am to one of my dear loves it falls on the heels of one of my others.  I love my patients  deeply as they become my family. There have always been 3 since the day I started 3 years ago that stole my heart and in 2 days 2 were taken.  If my Javi goes forget it. I will be a dine deal for awhile.  

   Just be thankful for what you have and love what you have.  Dont push or pull them show them what they mean. Remind them and just love them especially if they are elderly. 

I cant figure out how to post the video so you get the lyrics...

Cristina perri

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am
I can do it
I can do it
I can do it
But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human, yeah
I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
Be your everything
I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it
But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human, yeah
I'm only human
I'm only human
Just a little human
I can take so much
Until I've had enough
'Cause I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human, yeah

This isnt a usual post from me but I'm sorry. Woke up in a mood and can tell its gonna be a long day.  

I'm so over the games.im tired of trying to find that right fit and being let down. No matter what you do to try and work your way in and adjust to fit it never happens. You can jump up and down, lay down on the bed and throw a fit and it still doesnt happen.  

Isnt it funny how trying to find the right Jean's is a lot like finding the one... 

On the serious side game are all good and fun but they are meant to be played when both parties are aware.  Not to another person.  People some of us are real and we have real emotion  

People come and go, each with a lesson to learn. What are you willing to take from each interaction? I am guilty of thinking people are expendable that they will always be there. 

The past few days I have been watching one of my patients I am close to slowly loose their fight. I realize everytime one moves on that there is so much more I have to give.  So my question is do you do the most for the people around you or do you accuse and assume they are not giving you their all. 

Every sub analyzes every detail.  From the moment they wake till they go to sleep.  

The issue I see is we don't analyze our prospetives. We get so excited that someone fits what we think we want we just run into it.  This goes both ways.  Doms are happy to find a sub they think checks all the boxes. The issue with this is most subs say what they think you want to hear because they have been put through a lot of bs online.  

  Subs because we try to adapt and fit we forget what we need and want.  Always be true to you and someone will click so you can learn and grow together.  

  I think both sides need to review their core wants  and know that a D/s relationship grows and changes as the couple do.  Also who are we to judge others relationships.  Were suppose to be a community of tolerance so STOP trying to put me in one of your boxes. I DONT FIT I am my own sub and have my own things I like from all dynamics  

What is growth?  

      For me it's an internal battle that for a long time I have fought alone. Only because of my own doing.  I kept people at arms length because i was scared.  I didnt want to let anyone in.  I have learned here that I have to be open. In doing this I have learned so much and with out even knowing it, grown.  

My journey is far from over and so many doors have been opened now the part I have to grow in is courage.  I've asked before if you have the courage to walk through the door now I ask myself the same.  

    Courage comes when you know there is a hand in the dark to pull you through it.  I will walk blindly and find the hand waiting for me.

Even if I have to crawl through the window I will find the new path 

Is it just me or is this an all around thing.  I work my butt off to come home and work some more. I go to bed and all I think about is what I still have to do. Then when I'm with someone it's late nights early mornings in order to spend time with the other because that's just me. I spread myself so thin trying to get it all done and spend time with those I love that out of nowhere I'm smacked upside the head driving with how freaking tired I am.  Even getting out of the car to drag my tied self into the house sounds like to much 

Anyway the question is this just me or a whole us type of thing?

So my question is this... when you see someone you like what do you do, do you just sit back and see if they notice you. Subtle little comments on their blogs then they respond and you get excited. Or when they respond to another you wish it was you. How do you deal with it when they take notice of you and yet you still want them to reply to others because their words help others... is this jealousy? 

Anyway that's my question. I read a lot of blogs and the other day something caught my attention because it's in my profile. It said something about loyalty not being a fault for me it was.  I am loyal to a fault because I will go to the ends of the world for someone even if they dont deserve it.  My loyalty and devotion almost killed me a few times and I'm learning toxic doesnt deserve loyalty. So while loyalty is a great gift it also can cripple someone. I have learned to be independant and loyal. I have changed a lot and will continue to grow and evolve into the woman I want to be. When the right one is given my loyalty it won't be a fault but one of the many gifts I have to give. 

   Never stop growing... there is a Chinese proverb that says " be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid of only standing still" 

Phe

It's funny we all have ways to hide who we are.  Some catfish people some just lie others hide behind walls.  Today I decided to take 2 of my walls down and not hide. I changed my status to who I really am (single and no collar) because this kept people at bay.  It kept me from having to deal with all the catfish and liars but it also keeps me from finding or learning from others..

  To the catfish and liars please just dont bother I dont have the time or the patience. As for a collar is one ever truly collared unless your Dom puts it on you? 

     So heres to bringing a few walls down.