Emotional Domination

Good day friends!

 

 

I trust you are finding your way through your day?

 

It has been a minute since I have expressed things that we dominants get to learn before we may be considered to earn submission in it's various flavors. Since it seems there is a neverending influx of new 'dominants' looking to lock down some submissive coochie. I thought I would take a moment to express some things that may not seem apparent to many.

 

This is by no means an exhaustive list.....if anything.....sadly......it is ever expanding! 😂

 

 

1. No one wants to worship you. Period.

 

Seriously. Nothing about anyone of us is begging for others to fall to their knees and suckle the wrinkled nethers. Especially when no one knows you.

Even IF a submissive has a praise kink......I guarantee you they have a very specific place they must reach in their comfort zone of trust before they would focus it on someone else.

Get a clue.

 

2. Trust Is A Continual Evolution.

 

Earning trust is perpetual. You want to know how to earn a submissives surrender? Extend trustworthiness.

"Wait, Drago, that is very subjective! How can I ever hope to win a submissives surrender if I do not know the things that they consider trustworthy?"

You learn them. That's right folks. Time. Effort. Above all.....PATIENCE.

 

I have stated this before and I will continue to scream it until dominants figure this out through their thick skulls.....

 

An individual that masters patience, masters everything else.

 

You want to earn submission?

Be diligently intentional with your trustworthiness and be patient.

 

There is NEVER a quick fix.

 

Story time:

 

I once thought because I put a capital D in front of a title of my choosing I was owed submission. I was the cats meow and everyone else should recognize!!! Needless to say, that took me all of one step with my shoe laces tied together.

I was (am?) a glorious asshole.

There was something I discovered though......even the most detractable of submissives towards me came around to understanding me when I slowed down and was patient. When they understood I meant actually no harm, many even became my friends, play partners, or lovers. BUT NOT ALL.

 

Which leads me to the next point.

 

 

3. No One Owes You Anything

 

You are a big bad dominant right? 

 

(Crowd cheers YEAH!)

 

You are the master of all you survey right?

(Crowd cheers YEAH!)

 

You are tough-i-culs and stuff?

 

(Crowd cheers YEAH!)

 

Who the fuck cares?!?!?!?!

 

No one.

 

You are owed nothing. No respect. No kindness. No trust. No deference. No gratitude for your station. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. 

 

People MAY be kind to you.

They MAY be patient with you.

 

Then again, they may tell you to piss right off and never bother them again. Other dominants and submissives alike. You are human first. If you believe for any reason you deserve treatment above and beyond what you would not give to another you are an idiot, and should go back to kindergarten and figure out how to play nice with the other students. 

 

One thing for CERTAIN I have learned over the years.......ones ego has ZERO to do with dominance.

Don't believe me?

Keep your ego and see how far it gets you.

 

Confidence.

Self-assurance.

Capability. 

 

Are all things OTHERS see in you, or they do not. They do not come from your lens. If they do, dead certain it is ego and it is EXTREMELY unappealing.

Most egos put their words where their actions cannot go.

 

Ego's scream about how big their dick is and conveniently forgets to tell you it lasts 10 seconds in bed or never gets hard anymore.

 

One's ego is the pathway to pushing everyone away from you.

 

 

4. Humility & Grace Are Sexy

 

They are not something you can fake either.

You see those memes out there of the man tightening the strap of their female partners heel......humility.

Or of the big, burley biker guy hugging someone who has apologized for doing them wrong.......grace.

 

I will tell you a not so secret, secret......many submissives want the bad boy with a heart of gold. They want someone who knows where they are going and had the fortitude to get there while NOT stepping all over everyone else to get there.

 

I have had the privilege of witnessing many dominants receive their leather caps in service to their community. I would like each of you to consider what that means. They received.....FROM THEIR COMMUNITY......because they......SERVED. Because of their heart to give of their time, blood, sweat, and tears towards the growth of their community. 

 

I am a staunch believer (and I have yet to find someone who can convince me otherwise), that the most valuable dominants in our midst are those who lead the way by example. Who show up and serve in real, live, actionable examples.

They also happen to be the most capable of leaders of their Houses or their submissives respectively. They know what it is like to serve, what it means to find their purpose, and to strive towards being the truest versions of themselves.

 

How else could a dominant truly know what they are talking about when they want to lead a submissive???? 

 

Food for thought the next time you are up on your high horse tauting your prowess.

 

 

5. You Have No Special Skill That Cannot Be Learned By Anyone Else EXCEPT being You.

 

What makes you stand out???

 

Where are you a trailblazer???

 

Do you just follow the crowd??? 

 

One of the herd???

 

Why would a submissive want to follow you???

 

No really. 

 

What have you got that no one else has???

Is what you have marketable???

Meaning others want it. Seek it. Desire it. Need it.

What makes you more valuable than another dominant???

 

I mean, do you know how many 'dominants' reach out to the same submissive as you??? 

 

You do understand, at least for women, they have been sought, hit on, desired, lusted over, dreamt about, masturbated to, by 10s of thousands of boys and men since they hit puberty right???

 

Why on this earth would any submissive give you the time of day???

 

If WHO YOU ARE is not special, unique, different, why would you expect any special notice???

 

 

6. Your Character Is All You Have

 

For those of you 'dominants' that have ghosted ANYONE.......you are a worthless piece of shit that deserves NOTHING.

 

EVER

 

If you are not upstanding enough to be honest......do not expect submission.

If you cannot be trustworthy enough to follow through with your consistency.......do not expect to be trusted.

This is really basic here folks. 

 

Who you are is how you show up. How you treat others who can give you absolutely nothing you may need or want is the character of you. 

When was the last time you were kind to the gas station attendant?

How do you treat the waitress?

Do you ignore the homeless, or does your heart break, and even if you have no cash to give them, you stop and try to encourage them if you can? 

 

These make up the character of a dominant. 

I would vehemently challenge anyone who considers otherwise.

 

That submissive you hope to chain to your bed post? They want someone who has the character and ability to see them. See what they are giving of their heart is valuable, sacred, unique. That they are not just something for your pleasure, that once you are bored with, you throw away.

 

Your actions today......how you carry yourself.....who you are is not something you can hide. It will always bleed through.

 

Know this,

 

A submissive is just a human who has been burned SO many times before by wannabes and so-called 'noble' people. They have finely tuned bullshit detectors, and will quickly recognize your ignorance. 

 

If you do not think that they talk amongst themselves, you are an even bigger fool.

 

Be someone with character. 

Not a characterization of someone else.

 

 

7. Never Quit

 

Learn to cultivate an attitude of gratitude, even in the face of adversity.

 

Like it or not a submissive comes with their own set of life experiences. Many of which have been harrowing and traumatizing.

 

If you do not have the strength to stand steadfast and secure in the midst of their storms what exactly are you dominating??? 

 

 

8. Quit Talking About It and Be About It

 

 

The surest sign you are not a dominant is when you have to 'tell' or 'convince' others of your capabilities.

It reeks of insecurity.

Those that see your value will value you.....it is unnecessary to beg others to find value in you.

Grow up.

 

Show up in all the ways that are authentic and honest to you.

Discover who you are, what you are about, what makes you tick, what is your purpose and then be about it. Those who want to be a part of your world because they find value in your journey will.

 

 

9. Complacency is Akin to Dying.

 

There is no more sure way to push someone away from you whom you may seek a connection with than to find yourself complacent. 

Deeper than laziness, complacency is a state of settling in, where you bought the recliner with shawl and seek nothing further in life. 

 

It shows no ambition. 

No drive.

No desire.

No passion.

 

AKA

 

NO PURPOSE.

 

Why would anyone follow that???

 

 

 

10. Do NOT Be a Dick

 

You found the perfect submissive that will suckle at the nethers and hang on your every command???

 

Nice.

 

Now what?

 

Because that is easy.

I can teach a pair of monkeys to do that. Hell, we teach pets to follow our commands every day. Easy.

 

Don't get so puffed up with what you have. You have a LONG way to go if you think you have reached the pinnacle of submission.

 

Can you hold her heart when she is scared you are like everyone else that has hurt her???

It is not your fault......but it is your responsibility to hold her in a safe container now. That's what you signed up for. If you think it's all sex, whips, leather, and chains you are a fool.

Don't be the dick that tells everyone how great you have it. How awesome your submissive is when you have zero history keeping that dynamic going through the lean times.

Cool. It is good, fun, kinky at first. Put that in the bank. Because you are absolu

tely going to need to withdraw from that reserve when the tough times show up, and it is a certainty they will.

 

 

 

I hope you find clarity in your purpose today.

 

 

 

Namaste

 

 

 

Drago and Amethyst

 

2/26/2024

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello Friends!!

Those of us who live alternative lifestyles frequently discuss various exchanges of power. This varies greatly within our respective dynamics, both in shape and size. I am NOT here to judge the merits of how others choose to live their relationships. As always, just, a discussion.

Energy is a precious commodity. Even more so as we age!!

It becomes vitally important that we receive a healthy return for the energy in which we invest.

This, of course, is seen very easily in money. Money is something given/earned by us in exchange for services rendered. If we are wise with our money, we take some and invest it in our future. That looks like a myriad of things; retirement, IRA, stocks, bonds, a home, and maybe our children's college fund. We are taking the work we do and multiplying it for security, or benefit, into our future.

This is no different in the relationships that we cultivate. The lack of a worthwhile return on our energy investment prompts us to question whether we should keep going.
This could be something as simple as the amount of time we spend thinking of another.
Or as complex as the amount of effort we currently invest in maintaining a relationship.

Think about it this way, if the money you had was being taken from you faster than you could replenish it would you make a change?
I mean, money is just energy. We exchange money with others and they exchange it with us.
Just like we wouldn't tolerate financial losses without a return, why should we tolerate it in a relationship?

Even if that relationship is family. Friends. Grown children. Significant other.

Our relationship with the currency we have (ie: money, time, energy) is in direct proportion to our health and well-being overall is it not?

Now, I hear what you may be saying, "Drago, no investment is not without risk!" I would agree with you.

How many of us, though, have stuck with a terrible investment because we do not want to admit we made a poor choice? Or, we willingly blind ourselves to the poor investment because having some return, even though it does not fill us back up, is better than no return?

I want to encourage you to acknowledge that this type of thinking is impoverished.
Having no return at least you have the original investment in your hands. You have not poured it out to get next to nothing in return. Surely your original investment, if nothing else, holds value to you, does it not?????

Spending our time, energy, focus, and what-have-you wisely means we will get the return we are looking for.

Not finding the results you want in your connections?
Not getting the return on your investment in the way you would hope?
Not happy with the options set before you?

Diversify!!!!

No one is making you invest in what you are. You have free choice of where to put your time and energy. If you are not getting back what you need, it is up to YOU (and you alone) to stop pouring out your precious commodities.

We desire partners who not only value our investments but also actively contribute to growing our assets, creating even more lucrative opportunities.
It begins with not short-changing ourselves.

What is taking up your energy today?
What is soaking up your time and not giving back to you the return that serves your purpose? (social media?)
Who is it in your world that consumes what you have to give, and does not respect, honor, or give back to you in such a way that you feel filled?

Why would you allow your 'bank account' to be drained of its funds when you need it to exist healthily?

This is a gentle reminder that whatever you focus on consumes the vast majority of your resources. If it is not feeding you back, is it worth your time and effort?

 

I hope this finds you in clarity and purpose today.

 

Namaste

 

Drago & Amethyst

2/20/2024

 

Hello Friends!

Today I would like to discuss a sort of coalescing revelation around our choices that I am discovering.

The short of it is this:

Any choice we make for someone/thing else that is not in alignment with our purpose is a waste of energy and more often than not people-pleasing. It is a poor choice that takes from us more than we have to give and keeps us from being our truest selves.

Analogy:

A hammer is a versatile tool. It can pull nails or drive nails in a multitude of applications. Drywall. Framing. Siding. Roofing.
No matter how you slice it though, its purpose is for nails. No matter how much the user might wish it to be something else. It is good for leverage, or hammering. Even then, there are diverse hammers for each job. A framing hammer is not good for sheet metal work in an auto body shop. While a soft brass faced or ball pean hammer would be used where they would be no good for framing.
A dentist would have little use in their profession for a hammer of any sort. I dare say, if a dentist pulled out a hammer while you were in the chair you would exit said establishment post haste!

The point?

We each have a purpose. A usefulness that is well-defined. To pretend we can do more than we are built for is hubris and an exhausting waste of our time. It behooves us to be in alignment with what we were built to be. To not allow anyone else to define that for us. To not allow anyone else to convince us our usefulness (which is often a mask for what they want from us) lies over here or there.
This idea is EXACTLY why it is important to know yourself before we include others in our lives in a very intimate way.

Because we can become shackled to the ideas others have for us that they believe we are meant to be (for them), while also putting similar expectations on those around us.

Real-life example:

My purpose, in a nutshell, is grace. People are confused what that means. They often believe grace is all fluff, love, gentleness.....aka......pushover. I do not deny grace can include gentleness, love, and compassion. Grace is, however, not just those tender things. Grace, by example, is a parent allowing their child to choose for themselves, with the parent knowing full well will end catastrophically. It is NOT that the parent will not attempt to gently encourage them to consider a healthier alternative. It is that if a parent truly loves that child they will extend grace and allow them to make their choice and suffer the consequences of that choice, right or wrong. AND, on the other side of that choice, grace extends the same love and encouragement WITHOUT JUDGMENT. That is what grace does.
Do you want a rope to hang yourself? Cool. You do you. On the other side, I will be here to tell you that choice was dumb but you are not. I will sit with you and help you pick yourself up. That is grace.
I cannot tell you how many people find fault with this. Nearly everyone. Because they believe it is a 'duty' to save someone from themselves. They cannot fathom allowing someone to make a mistake that will jeopardize their happiness/peace/money/safety, et cetera. Mostly because we ALL wish to save ourselves from such calamity even though it is impossible, and ultimately, good that we cannot.

I do not.

I know damn well that we ALL must learn through some tough lessons. While it may seem a 'good intention' to save someone from such a fate (as OUR lens sees it, not as it honestly is). Caring for someone is allowing them the growing pangs that are necessary for their growth and maturation because we ALL come to our purpose by navigating those things that do not serve us and getting rid of them.

Ok, Drago, I hear you. I may not agree fully...but I see what you are putting down. What else have you got?

How many of you have given something to someone in your intimate relationships for someone else?
Whether that is sex when you did not want to, or, agreeing to keep the peace?

Was that giving in alignment with your purpose?
Was it honest?
Did it come from you as a truth? Or was it something you gave because you believed that is what they wanted from you?
Was it then truly authentic?
Would you say that was healthy for ANYONE involved?
Was it something you did to 'save' the connection? Because the thought of not having what you get from that connection being threatened because you showed up as yourself fills you with a sense of loss, anxiety, or dread?
Why do you feel you are not allowed to show up as you? Who is stopping you from being yourself?
If it is others not wanting you to show up in a certain way except XYZ, is that really who you desire to be connected with? Where you are not allowed to be who you are?

Easy to see that as misaligned people-pleasing when you look at it through that lens is it not?
Much harder to step into being your most authentic self!

The following may sound harsh at first......try to suspend judgment and open your heart to understanding if you are able, you may see it in the end.

Being in my life, one will quickly learn, that it is my way or the hiway when it comes to my life and journey.

NOT because I am a dictator.
NOT because I say so.
NOT because I am dominant.

Because I am going to pursue my purpose regardless of who is in my life, NOTHING is going to shake me from what I believe I am meant to do, say, be. If you wish to enter my life intimately, I make this very plainly known. I am going in this direction.......if you wish to come along......fantastic! So long as you wish to partner with me, add to my world by supporting me on my mission and vision.....GREAT! I welcome it! We can never have enough support. The moment you feel some-kinda-way about a choice I am making and you try to change my choice I will tell you outright to back the fuck up. This is MY life, right or wrong, it is MY journey. I have lived my purpose for more years than anyone else has. These are my shoes, I walk in them, no one else. So quit assuming you can fill my shoes better by making a better decision than I can.
Does that mean I do not value counsel or wisdom from others? Or that I do not make mistakes?

HEAVENS NO!!!!

As I said, we can never have enough support!
Those whom I trust I seek counsel from. You earn my trust by supporting me being me. You lose it by trying to come in and take from me my right to screw it all up.

Why in this world would anyone sign up for such a connection?

My track record.
The evidence of my success.
The visibility of how living my purpose benefits those around me in tangible and real ways.
The proof of my alignment is right before your eyes.

No, not all will find value in such. That is understandable and ultimately expected. For those that do though.....why would you not want to partner with me? My success means your growth, success, wealth, and health. It is a no-brainer.

Now, to some, that may sound narcissistic. I can see why you may be thinking this.
However, let's look at my purpose again.......it is to support others. To help others take back their power. To own their gifts. To remember their potential. To rediscover their true selves. To see others succeed at being their best.
Grace.

Whether that is through my coaching.
Mentoring.
Friendship.
Blog.
Conversations.
Relationships.

That is what I am here for. That is my purpose.

Also, all those requirements I have?
I encourage all those in my life to have as well.

It is not something I ask for but I do not give.

Did you notice that all the things I require are all the things my purpose is here to support or encourage others to discover?

Ask Amethyst. She will tell you. She may not be able to enunciate it in this fashion. I GUARANTEE, however, she will express to you the power she has discovered of her voice and continues to rediscover.
Or, better yet, go back 4 years in her blog. Read where she was. Read a couple from the following year. Hear it from her own words. She has grown and continues to do so. In large part (no, not at all simply) because of my presence in her life. Today, she is learning to extend the same to others. She seeks to empower others as well as only she can. In her way. According to her purpose. That looks very little like mine, which is glorious!!! I love the uniqueness!!! She will touch and reach people I cannot ever, nor should I, they were meant for her journey.

If I were to make ANY choice that Amethyst wanted me to make for her that was not honest or authentic for me that I did not believe in I would be doing her a grave disservice. I would just be trying to 'get along' with her. Keep the peace as it were. I would not truly care about her or her growth. I would simply just allow her to stay stuck where she is, I mean, some of those pieces would be better for me, wouldn't they? I would much rather love her enough to speak the truth to her and empower her than to feed into our natural human nature to be complacent and 'take it easy'. I do not, and never will make the choices for her. She deserves the respect of her journey being hers. I am, in NO way trying to 'change' or 'fix' her. She is not broken, and needs no changes to be loved where she is!!! I also know when she sees herself not being in alignment and desiring to find where she belongs I get to support and encourage her to find her voice. I do not get to decide what that looks like. That is not for me at all. But I want her to be her truest self....for HER because it means HER peace. HER contentment. HER success in life.

The honesty is, that no one is stagnant. We all evolve. Kicking and screaming or not. I just happen to align myself with this growth reality and be a piece of it for the health and support of those around me. Because let's face it, sometimes life is brutal!! We get kicked in the face out of nowhere and wonder what just happened!! It is in those moments having someone like myself as a support becomes invaluable.

My purpose is to remind every one of you that your purpose is vital and necessary. Being in tune with who you are designed to be means your fullest and most fulfilling life is realized. ANYTHING that takes from your voice, your will, your passion, and desire seeks to own you for their/its benefit and not yours. It will make you small, and how you will rebel may not readily be understood by you.

Do you feel less than?
Like not enough?
Like your potential is not yet realized?
That you are uncertain of who you truly are?
Do you feel lost?
Are you scared to step into who you desire to be?
Are you happy to just give your power away to others who want you to be someone that you truly are not?
Do you allow too many others to dictate to you who you are supposed to be?
Are you making choices that are not fulfilling your purpose?
Do you know what your purpose on this plane is?

What choices are you making today that keep you small, and unrealized?
What choices are you making that disregard your potential?
Are you living for everyone else except you?

 

 

You were built/designed for a reason. I truly hope you realize what that is today.

 

 

Namaste

 

 

Drago & Amethyst

 

 

 

2/15/2024

 

Hello Friends,

Today I am going to discuss a mechanism around sex that I found within myself. For those of you who may be interested in hearing what I discovered and how I am healing, buckle in, grab some popcorn, and come along for the ride! For those uninterested in hearing about this growth, thank you all the same for stopping by!!

Ever since I was a very young boy (5 or 6) I have felt......alone. Out of place. Unloved even. I am unsure if there are any feelings of not enough in there at the moment....I may discover that at some point....but unsure. As many of you may know from previous blogs, I was an EXCEPTIONALLY unruly child. Around this age, I began stealing. From the teachers' desks, from stores. From others back yards. Et cetera. I can see today.....it was an attempt on my part to feel accepted.....or noticed. Validated as someone worthy of attention and love. As only a young boy can ask for it, in error of course.
If you are for the first time hearing me discuss my criminal history and you are shocked, amazed, and horrified......my sadist is giddy right now!! Hahahahahahahaha. Sorry not sorry for the shock?
The thievery landed me in prison 4 separate times beginning at age 16.
Eventually, I got my shit together around age 20. During my teenage years, I began to discover an ability to 'win women over' for my sexual gratification. I would sleep with babysitters, married women, and anyone that I would be in contact with regularly. I do not say this proudly, only for context. To say that I was a boy-whore would be accurate.
You see, I imagined every one of those experiences was loving, rich, deep, meaningful connections. Even as young as I was (14, 15) I desired this soul connection. Of course, I had no clue that was what I was seeking. I know today because I can look back at my actions, the words I spoke to 'woo' my prospective partner in crime, and the responses I got from women of all ages, races, and relationship statuses. I imagined their willingness as a sort of validation of my worthiness.

I was still struggling to be ok in my skin. I needed others to tell me I was ok that I was worth the time and effort to care for.
As a side note, being raised co-dependently ABSOLUTELY was at the core root of this feeling.
Yet, every time the deed would be done, I would feel empty again. I would not say lonely.......that is a feeling I have rarely felt in my life......but certainly alone. Just......disconnected from others. I have not been sad about that. I have always just accepted this was the truth. I cannot tell you why. Nevertheless, I would not feel fulfilled. I believed that physically connecting with another would draw me closer to not feeling so out of place. I would finally feel accepted. Wanted. Valuable. Of course.......no one.......nothing......can impart such feelings. That is a self-worth piece that is an inside job. That was, needless to say, very lost on me, however.

By the age of 24, I was getting married. I can see today, I felt that my value would be realized as a father & a husband. While it is honest that I loved those titles and the responsibilities that lay within them, they did little to help me feel accepted, or like I fit in. I was still odd. I did not quite fit in. I felt it. In my marriage, I would push the envelope of what transpired in the bedroom sexually thinking that would somehow translate to me feeling loved.

'If she is willing to do XYZ for me in the bedroom surely that means she cares!'

Sadly, I could not feel loved regardless. It is NOT that she did not love me. In her way, she did, I have no doubt. I began to see, however, ways that her version of love was laced with guilt, expectations, demeaning, and belittling unless I showed up a certain way.

THAT became a major turning point for me on this journey.

I began to see why, for all these years I felt like an outsider, why I felt the oddball.
Why I did not fit in.
Why I believed I was looking for acceptance.

Because my version of 'love' has ALWAYS looked different than everyone else's expectations they placed on me. It began at a very young age with my mother. She expected a child that showed up in a very specific way.....and a big shock.....I rebelled. I 'knew' in my heart I could not be what she wanted me to be. Which, as a child, is utterly confusing. You feel like you are not good enough.

'Why is the way I show up and live as a child unacceptable?'

This feeling continued to be reinforced by my sexual partners. I was good enough for them to be dicked down by.....but not good enough to invest in emotionally. To care for. To love.

I saw it happening in my then marriage. And it broke my heart. We spoke about it at length. But I readily admit I lacked the language to enunciate clearly what I was feeling and why. I only knew I was being treated poorly. I was disregarded and ignored unless I showed up in a specific way. Chastised and made to feel wrong if I did not do, think, believe, or act as I was expected. It pressed on that old wound my mother created in co-dependency. I was damn sure not going to continue to live under it once I saw it.
In my pain, I cheated on my spouse. For the same reasons I expressed earlier......sex, and my ability to easily get it was a way of feeling powerful. Like I was accepted. Like who I showed up as was desired by someone. Of course, this was incredibly short-lived. It detonated what remaining pieces of my marriage remained, rightly so, and I went out to find that love again.

Repeatedly, however, I would attract those who desired to use me for what I could do for them, especially in the bedroom. My partners were all too happy to enjoy my kinky passion, hunger & drive. But cared very little about sharing their heart with me. I began to see how much of my heart I invested in my sexual acts. How I desired a DEEP connection (I had not yet at this point even heard of the word Demisexual). A sense of oneness. I also began to see, how every one of my previous partners, and even those around me in that present moment, I 'fantasized' or 'convinced myself' were giving me their heart. That they loved me deeply and viscerally I felt and chose to pour into them.
Only to discover......it was a lie.

Where I was when Amethyst found me was on the other side of that. Where I had sworn off women. Where I was jaded. Hurt. Dismayed. If this is what it was going to be like to give your heart to another, best not to do so at all!!! I took a long hard look at myself and my desires. I questioned if I would ever fit in. If I would ever belong anywhere.
Yes, I indeed created a lot of these spaces where I was taken advantage of or used. I accepted the crumbs given to me because I believed that is what love did. I allowed others to give to me whatever they felt was enough for my heart. They felt it was worth very little. Ok, that is their right.....it does not change how I feel about them, how I get to care for them. While there is honesty and truth in that.....it is NOT at my own expense!! No person can live on crumbs!!!
Again, I reiterate, that those were the partners I chose. No one put a gun to my head and made me. They were what I felt I deserved. Even if my heart was rebelling and screaming at me that I was an idiot for accepting such.

So, I had determined I would NEVER accept less than what I know I need to be loved. I (and everyone in my belief) deserve to be loved richly, deeply, and beautifully.

As I expressed, this is where Amethyst found me. I will not pretend I had it all figured out on what that meant or how I was going to implement that in my life. I only knew that unless someone was willing to come in and give me their heart and fight to love me similarly as I fight to love them I refused to be connected in any way with them. I expressed such to Amethyst and she agreed wholeheartedly and then began to show up, in her authenticity, to prove it was just not something she said. She embodied it.

Enter Amethyst's struggle with her sexual liberty. It pressed on my feeling of unacceptable. Unworthy. Cannot be loved. Because I had built SO many stories that sex equals love, it MUST be love if a woman opens her legs for me right? That is what I believed, what I put on every partner.....including Amethyst. What I was getting to discover, was sex became my mechanism. My distraction. The drug that sated my discomfort with sitting and acknowledging my feelings of neglect. Abuse. Disregard. Dislike. Disapproval, I had experienced at a very early age and did not want to ever believe was possible from my parents.

Do I blame my parents?
Or,
Is it my parents' fault?

No.
They did the best they could. They were just humans, faultful, imperfect, trying.
They are not responsible for the message I believed or received from them at an early age. It is no one's fault I was too young to express, understand, or know how to enunciate what I was feeling or needed. It was just a product of my environment. My age could not magically shift. Nor could my understanding. It was, the proverbial, what it was.

Today, I recognize I still struggle with moments of feeling 'alone'. Outsider. Not acceptable. Unloved. I had such a moment yesterday. I recognize today that it is just a moment though. It will not last. With my mind, I KNOW different. I know the truth. I understand fully, that yes, I may love differently. Hell, my kinkiness is certainly evidence of that! While I may seek to 'fit in', I absolutely will not and do not wish to if I am honest. I enjoy my diversity. My uniqueness.
I also recognize how I have put on Amethyst these disingenuine feelings that I have made her responsible for. She must love me like XYZ. That is the ONLY way I can receive love. Sex must look like XYZ or she does not care for me.

What I am saying when I believe that is, "I do not want to open my heart and allow you to love me as you authentically wish to. It is too scary to believe you are not like all the rest who just want to use me and take from me what they can get and truly do not wish to pour back into me. I mistrust your intentions. Surely, you cannot love me for me. No one has. Why would you?"

Even deeper is this truth..........there is still a piece of me that has moments where I feel like that little boy of 5 years old being told I must show up differently than I was. That has felt shame and guilt for liking what he likes. That has been made to believe he is not allowed to be himself because that is too uncomfortable for others to navigate. That has been told his heart, the depth of it, is unwelcome. It is confronting. Too much. Others see in my heart expression how they do not measure up.....and they have lashed out from that space. Trying to make me small.

Amethyst has NEVER done so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The fear of it though?
The story I have lived with my entire life is one of too much. Too big.
Too passionate.
Too much desire.
Too intense.
Too deep.
Too Drago.

It may not mean anything to anyone else.....but I have fought tooth and nail to own who I am.
To put me out there, even this blog, in this fashion, is a result of me facing these pieces within me and saying, "If you are going to be uncomfortable because I show up, so be it. I am still showing up as me. I am allowed. Regardless of how you feel about me, I am NOT, nor ever will be, responsible for how you feel. This is me."

Do I have moments?
Yup. Sure do.
And that is alright. It reminds me I am human. Faultful. Imperfect. But necessary all the same.
Because I know more than I know, part of my purpose is to share these experiences I navigate. To reassure others they are not alone. To show that courage can be found to face those fears. While accepting sometimes our courage may fail us and fear may get the better of us.....it can be a moment where we allow ourselves to see the emotions that rise within us and apply grace. Kindness. Compassion rather than the same 'ol judgment others have tried to place on us in the past. We get the opportunity to sit with why we feel the things that rise in our bodies, and we get to find a way to show love to those feelings.
There are plenty of people out there willing to vilify us, let us not be among those who treat us so disparagingly.

I hope you find clarity and focus in your purpose today.

Namaste

 

Drago & Amethyst

2/13/2024

 

When I began my journey into the world of BDSM I had a very defined way I believed an s type was going to enhance my world. Some of these desires were healthy, and some of them were not. I saw around me those who served their Master' in an almost 'god-like' fashion. I wanted it......badly. I craved it almost to the point of madness.

The reasons for that craving are not a part of this writing so I will move on. The beliefs that I held around how submission 'should' look, however, I wish to discuss today.

I thought, errantly, that because I was dominant I would be given everything I wanted.

I thought, mistakenly, that when I said so, it would be done.

I thought, amazingly, that I would require the world of someone and they would not ask much of me in return.

I thought, oddly, that calling myself dominant was enough.

I thought, curiously, that being dominant meant I was right.

I thought, incredibly, that what I wanted was someone to give me everything I asked for.

I thought, surprisingly, that it would all be quite easy.

I thought I knew what I was asking for. What I was clearly looking for, and how to get it. In my hubris I made several connections and they crashed into a fiery heap of destruction the likes of Hiroshima. It happened repeatedly. I was certain I simply had not found 'the one'.

The universe, it seems, is not without a sense of humor and irony.

I began finding what I believed I wanted. Those who would cater to me. Give me everything I asked for. Lived for my every command and sought to please me in every single way. I had everything I could ever ask for! I rarely even had to ask!!

And, I was miserable.

I discovered the cost of having such a 'gift' was the disconnection of my partners heart. They were willing to give me all I asked for.....so long as they got everything they wanted in return.

Symbiosis you say? Balance? Harmony?

Then why did I feel used and manipulated?
The truth is, because I was. That is the end result of co-dependency & people-pleasing. It is only symbiotic as long as the status quo is equal. The trouble with that is obvious though isn't it?
We are talking about power imbalance relationships here. They are unequal by design. Or, at the very worst, the relationship 'I' sought was/is.
Keeping things tit-for-tat was parroting the vanilla relationships of my past where I was unfulfilled.

So?

Were my beliefs incorrect?
Was what I desired unhealthy?

Well, yes and no.

I am allowed to seek the type of relationship I want to be sure. However, that too, comes at a cost. The cost is, it is rare. There are few who desire someone to truly lead. My pool is extremely small.
Secondarily, I got to take a real hard look in the mirror and decide what kind of person I was going to be. If I did not want someone who gave to me so they could get something back in return in equal measure what I was saying was that I wanted someone who would give to me from the abundance of their heart. Well, no person I know is going to do so without assurance that they are secure, kept, safe, met, seen, heard.......loved.

Well shit.

I was not prepared for that. Up to the moment of this revelation I was working on the premise that being dominant was an all-expenses-paid-trip-to-paradise. Investing my own heart was something I kind-of swore off after having been crushed so many times previously! There was no denying the honesty though. I wanted deep, lasting, visceral connection. That would not come without investment. In fact, I would not realize my desires EXCEPT that I paved the way and set the example for what I needed. After all, no s type follows without a clear direction right?

Enter Amethyst.

When she met me 5 years ago I was done. Done with women period. Done picking them for sure!!! I was done giving my all to get crumbs in return. I was not at all interested in her when she entered my life. Just another 'submissive'......DANGER!!! RED FLAG!!! SHE CALLS HERSELF SUBMISSIVE!!!

I had worked on me.
I had settled in my heart there was nothing I would receive from a partner except their heart in surrender.
I saw how, in my past relationships, even though I could not recognize it at the time, that is what I gave. It was what I needed for a cohesive connection in my world. NOT because it was balanced, because that is impossible.....how any person loves with their heart is unique to them......it is never like anyone else's. Rather, because, I was going to be my full self and expect the other to do the same. If I wanted the power imbalance relationship I sought, I needed to be saavy about who I would give my time, energy, focus, leading, security......heart to.

So I was reticent to open up. I was much more deliberate in my approach. I made my intentions as crystal clear as possible, believing that if that alone did not scare her off there MAY be something to pursue.

I am exceedingly grateful I learned those painful lessons. That my lens of what I believed I needed was challenged and found wanting.

There are things a submissive brings that I dare say were lost on me. That I did not know or understand. Certainly, to the depths of them at the very worst. You see, when we look in from the outside we see what we believe to be true. When we look at an s type kneeling, crying, clutching onto their d types leg we may assume hero worship. Or, someone who is unhealthily twisted up in utter worship of their person and would die without them. We can imagine what that kind of worship would feel like. The power being imbued. The headiness of it all. The ego getting larger by the second! The feeling and belief of an s type doing ANYTHING asked of them at a given moment can be a powerful aphrodisiac to consider!
What often is lost in these 'fantasies' is the struggles it takes to get to those places, if in fact, they are real in the sense of the way you may have perceived them. My 'beliefs' about what I perceived were honestly grossly inaccurate at best. Wishful thinking at worst!
I am an incredibly fortunate human that I have Amethyst at my feet! It is not, however, how I believed it ever would have been. Nor, dare I say, does it match up to some fantasy I had before our getting together. In truth, it is SO much more than I could have ever imagined! It is WAY harder than I expected!! I am unsure why I ever thought I would have it easy because a submissive would make my life so much simpler right? Honestly, while it is true that Amethyst makes my life simpler is SO many ways.......a dynamic, the spaces that get navigated with everyday life, are by necessity something that requires an immense amount of focus, intensity, clarity, intention, and dare I say......uncomfortability on BOTH of our parts.

What she offers is her heart......all the beautiful, scared, insecure, wildly funny, interestingly sarcastic, doubtful, pieces of her.
She serves me by just being herself. Showing up in her authenticity. That is magical!! It is also confronting......because someone doing so in your world does so because they trust you will cherish and protect them. Now.....it is all well and good to fantasize that a dominant is an all-powerful-put-together-all-knowing-king-bufoo.
The reality is, we are human.
Yes, we care deeper than most.
Yes, we are oftentimes stronger than most.
Yes, we can be insightful and 'see' you.
And we LOVE that you can find value in that, especially as our submissive!
It is ALSO true that being dominant, as natural as it may come for us, is something we take so seriously that the focus it requires can be overwhelming at times.

The point?

It is not the fantasy you imagine it is.
There are real people, with struggles, feelings, doubts, weaknesses, traumas in these dynamics.
Imagine sharing those spaces with someone so intimately that they can see every raw nerve exposed. Imagine standing on a stage naked in front of a crowd trying to give a lecture of import while everyone sees every mole, stretchmark, blemish. That is often what it can feel like. Seriously. It is NOT for the faint of heart!!
All of that being said, I wouldn't trade it for the world!! Truly!!

When she kneels, holds my leg, or puts her head in my lap and just sobs......there is NOTHING more beautiful and precious to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sex is easy.
A scene is easy.

Trust on the other hand, the kind that allows love to pour in and heal your soul......that is a fight.
Daily.
Sometimes second by second.

When she kneels........she is trusting me with her very breath. That I will gently, tenderly, violently protect and cherish her RIGHT WHERE SHE IS.
Not as I may desire her to be.
No expectations that she shows up in a certain way that makes me happy or comfortable.
No demands that she do or be anything but her authentic self.
Without a hint or desire to 'fix' her or where she may find herself.
Just.......acceptance.

THEN I get to ask what it is that I may want.
Why?
Because I have earned her respect, admiration & trust.CONTINUALLY.

She KNOWS I will not ask something of her that she is unable to do.
She KNOWS I will love her even if she provides what I ask in the way she best knows how if I am not extremely specific.
She KNOWS I will keep her safe regardless of what I am asking of her.
She KNOWS I will respect her, who she is no matter what.
She KNOWS I will not judge ANY expression she has, no matter how messy she feels that may be.
She KNOWS I will always be there, open hearted, to comfort her as she heals.
She KNOWS I will always appreciate, truly and authentically appreciate, ANY way that she chooses to serve because she can FEEL that from me as a truth.

I get to earn that from her. EVERY DAY. NON-STOP.
There is never this point where I can just phone-it-in. I will never get to just rest and believe the trust I have earned yesterday is good enough for today. Because that is not honest or fair. Today the trust she gets to extend is unique and different, so also must my trustworthiness.

That requires a level of consistency, character, integrity that does not exist simply because I dick-her-down-good.
It goes much deeper than my abilities with various implements in a scene.
Those are momentary.
Exciting? Sure.
But not very long-lasting. We cannot prove our consistency in the bedroom/dungeon without staying there 24/7. Which, as we all know, is not possible.

I used to believe otherwise, in error. I was living from one scene to the next. Craving that 'connection' to keep me 'satisfied' from one moment to the next. Believing that an s type worshipping me in such spaces because of my capabilities equalled being appreciated for who I truly am. I was conflating my worth around what I 'DO'.
I used to believe the value of an s type was no different. It was measured by what they give (do). The depth, level of that giving showed/proved their worth/value. When, in actuality, it does not require much trust to learn to allow someone to fuck you. Or flog you for that matter. That can be quite a simple thing for a great many.

Open your heart though?
Bear your soul?
Be naked in your truth?
Show your flaws openly?
Allow someone to see your fears?
Let someone love you just as you are in authenticity?
Trust someone to respect you and admire you in your struggle?

THAT is what a submissive can give.
IF you can create the container for them to show up in such a way.
IF you can be trustworthy enough for them to feel safe to allow you to see them.

It is way tougher than you think.
Requires much more work than you can imagine to earn that type of service. Snapping your fingers, barking some orders, and playing a role will not get you there. Either you are true, honest, and consistent or you are not. There is no middle ground.

I cherish with every fiber what Amethyst gives me as she kneels. Because the truth is, whether she is physically before me doing so or not her heart is ALWAYS kneeling before me. That is sacred beyond words. Humbling in the extreme. While I fight, sacrifice, and wrestle with my fears/doubts to show up as honest, truthful, and consistent I will be damned if I do not give my all to receive the care she has to offer.

It is the best of me. Even if I did not understand that is what it was going to bring forth from me. Even if it was lost on me what kind of man it was going to expect me to be. I regret NOTHING. After all..........it is what I have asked for.......even if I had NO clue what I was saying all those years ago.

I hope you found some insight and encouragement in my words today.

 

Namaste

 

Drago & Amethyst

 

 

From across the room I watch as she makes her pleasantries with the attendees.

The long flowing black dress with the plunging neckline that reveals her collar most prominently looks absolutely amazing on her.

I am stolen away in a corner, as I so often do. Ever the observer, she is a vision to behold.

She glances about furtively every so often to see if she can ascertain where I am. Always pulled away by a guest that desires her attention. Her smile, her aura and beautiful light draws them in like honey to the bear.

She tolerates all the glad handling from dominants and submissives alike. She is more of a quiet and reserved person.....more keen on solitude from the noise. Her graceful and gentle gait shows a demeanor of cared for and spoiled.

She does not enjoy the games people play with one another. The posturing. The ‘who’s who’. All the silly games.

Except for the one her Sir is playing right now.

Cat and mouse.

She knows this game too well. Her heart begins to quicken wondering where he will strike from and what he has in store.

She never wears panties anymore.

“I want complete access to my property when I need it.” Just thinking about the lust in his eyes when he said that is making her wet.

As I watch her walking towards the restroom I notice her look over her shoulder quizzically......No little one.....not yet.

Standing from my vantage point in the shadows I can see but not be seen. I would never tell her this is why I love this place. It makes the hunt of her so delicious. I quickly walk by the restroom she is in.....briefly I stop at the door way and whisper into the opening, “I am hungry.....”

“Sir?” She could swear she heard something.

As she adjusts the heart shaped purple plug tucked snuggly in her ass by applying some fresh lubrication she lets out a moan.

“Damn him for leaving me like this!” she exclaims to the air.

There have been times at this place where she has gone hours not being able to find him.

She would never admit to him this is why she loves coming here.......her arousal increases with every breath. Around every corner is a new sensation.

Was that his scent by the door just now?

Is she hearing him when he isn’t even there???

All the scantily clad women and men enjoying the scene at dungeon tonight. There is no small amount of pheromones all over the place.

From my perch I watch as she exits the restroom. The plug along with the platform heels accentuating her round pear shaped bottom begging to be smacked.

I step out of the darkness and take 5 steps to my right.....she is easily 60 feet from me.....through the myriad of people our eyes meet.....

There he is!!!

It is not like him to quit the game so soon.....what is it?

Their eyes meet......that smirk on his face says it all. From here she can feel the heat emanating off of him. His eyes are like bright blue sapphires ablaze with passion and need. She matches his passion with defiance. A look that says, “Not on your life buddy!”

His smirk deepens and his eyes go black and wild!!

The milling crowd obscures him for a moment, and he is gone.

One of their favorite songs comes on the PA. The rhythm and beat of the bass sends reverberations through her body. The pulsing of her sphincter pushes against the backside of her wet cunt, a small stream of liquid finds itself running down the inside of her leg.

She has a love hate relationship with this game......but OH THE DESIRE!

She pushes the idea of her discomfort out of her mind as the sensations of being chased and conquered consume her thoughts.

She is watching a particularly erotic scene with fire flogging when his hand slips between her legs through the leg high length slit of her dress. Any attempts at turning around are thwarted by the throng of people watching the scene, it helps that his hand is on the back of her neck and his breathing is deep and warm on her neck.

“Move and I will kill you.” I growl.

Her knees begin to shake and legs begin to buckle under the pleasure of his hand teasing the inside of her leg.

“PLEASE!” She says, a little too loudly. The dungeon monitor looks around to see where the commotion came from.

“We have only just begun little whore.”

She lets out a whimper and then a groan as the scene comes to an end, she turns around, and he is gone.

A smile so wide it would block out the sun is upon my face as I witness the crowd dispersing from the scene and she looks around maniacally with a frown on her face.

She begins her search again in earnest......her need is palpable. It is no wonder everybody is watching her as she passes by. There have been dominants in the past that tried to match her beast in primal take over to see who won the right over his prey. Foolish dominants that had no match for her beasts passion and power over her. How he stood up for her in those moments.....she sighed.....his love was a force that was as deep and powerful as the ocean waves. It is easy to be consumed by such power......she had deftly learned to ride those waves. She knew better than to get in his way......when he wanted something there was nothing on heaven or earth that could stop him!!! She had witnessed him in life......he always achieved what he set out to do. Always got what he wanted.

Another drop of nectar found itself winding down her thigh.

“Damn him. Where is he????” Her impatience grew with her arousal. She was not going to make this easy for him though......she hatched a plan.....

“Micah! So nice to see you tonight!!!”

“No, Sir is around.....somewhere.....How have you been?”

“How has your vetting been going?”

“Is she good for you?”

“That little bitch!” He chuckled to himself. She was playing the game good tonight!!

“Micah. MmmHmmm. Ok.”

That tells me everything I need to know about how turned on she is!!!

Good.

The wait becomes longer now.

From across the room she can see him surrounded by three bottoms all laughing at something he just said.

“That bastard!”

“What?” Poor Micah was out of the loop.

“Oh nothing. Just a prick that is getting on my last nerve!” She said with a smile.

She said her farewells to Micah and began heading to where I was standing.

When she arrived to where I had been she began to strike up a conversation with the bottoms about where he went.

“Which way?”

“Wait I am confused?!”

“One of you says this way and the other two say another thing altogether. WHICH IS IT!!”

“He put you up to this didn’t he?”

The bottoms smile and express their ignorance.

She moves on in her search.

At the juice bar she decides to sit for a minute.

“Bad mistake.....” the plug reminds her and sends a whole new wave of sensations through her.

“UGH!” she huffs.

“Can I help you?”

“Not unless you can track my Sir and make him take me home!!” She replies.

A wry smile crosses the barkeeps lips, “I see. Good luck with that!”

“Boy don’t I know it!”

I reach my hand out for her neck immobilizing her as I whisper in her ear, “That was a good play my dear. How is your ass feeling? You know I can smell you from across the room?”

“FUCK YOU!! Get me out of here!” the smile on her face belies her attitude.

“Now now kitten. Such language!” I feign in mock surprise, as I bend my head down and bite her neck.

“MMMMMMMM” she slumps in the chair and desperately tries to reach behind her for a piece of me to hold.

“UH UH UH.......you know the rules. No touching me until you have been captured!”

“FUCK THE RULES!!! I NEED YOU........NOW!!!!” she whines.

I release my grip and slide away from her as a crowd approached the bar.

“FUCKER!!!” she said to the oncoming which raised not a few eyebrows.

She sat at the bar and questioned this man’s sanity. Then, she questioned hers!

‘What have I gotten myself into?’ she pondered. There was no denying this man and her attraction to him. He was an asshole, no doubt!!! But he was her asshole. The way he made her feel......OOOOOOUUUUFFF! Speaking of assholes....time for more lube.

As I looked on to the crowd all I saw was her.

I smelled her everywhere.

The teasing, denial and prodding only made it sweeter. The semi in my leather pants made it an exquisite torturous desire.

She was heading to the restroom.....GOOD!!

A smirk rolled onto my face that was pure evil!!!

‘They really should have more than one stall in here’ she mused as she entered....

A box with a note??????????

“What is this?” clearly for her as her name was on it.

As she unfolded it and read she let out a tear, “That son of a bitch.” she cried.

Amethyst,

Open box.

Unpackage toy.

Put toy in my slick and hungry pussy.

Enjoy.

Sir

“DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!”

From my spot I could clearly hear her.

I laughed hardily as I reached for my phone......the remote control.

“Let’s see, now..........Annihilation? Or jack rabbit?”

She walked from the restroom clearly pissed. The look on her face when the jack rabbit kicked in was priceless though!!!! She leaned on the wall next to her as other women tried to get into the restroom. The look of being pissed was quickly erased and replaced with bliss. She closed her eyes....

NOPE.

NO. NO. NO. NO.

“Not yet my little slut.”

I reached for the button to turn it off.

Quickly she composed herself and shot a look out into the crowd that said, “Please!!!!!!”

She walked to a spot on a bench where she could watch a single tail land on a submissive wrapped in a spider’s web rope tie.

I took my place behind her on the opposing bench and pressed the button on the app for low hum........

“Don’t you even dare to think about turning around!” I ordered.

“Sir? PLEASE!!!!???” her plea was honest, earnest, and desperate.

“Please what little one?” I innocently asked.

“I NEED YOU!!! I will do whatever it takes. I am yours. Captured. Do with me as you wish.” her plaintive plea was laced with desire.

“Oh babygirl.......you are so sweet to beg. I love your pouting lips. Do you truly believe that I would succumb so easily to your words of surrender? Who is in control here?”

“FUCK YOU THEN!!!” as a tear rolled down her face.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Soon my slut. Soon.”

“I do not know why you do this to me. Turn me into this mewling, dripping mess.”

“Sir?”

“Sir?”

When she dared turn around he was gone.

All of her senses were on alert.

Where was he?

When would he touch her again?

What was going to happen next?

How can she survive this?

The low hum turned into a pulsing throb.

It caused her to constantly shift in her seat and bite her lip. She did not have permission to cum. If she did there would be no mercy. No escape. She had suffered through that mistake in the past. She wanted to cum.......he made sure she would be edged and denied for weeks at his hand, his cock, her toys.....she learned very quickly how sadistic he could be if she disobeyed.

She glanced around quickly and the pulsing stopped. Or so she thought......now......it hiccuped approximately every 5 seconds. Asshole!!!

The delight in watching her squirm was becoming unbearable. I needed her desperately. Only she could quench my thirst.

I stepped from the shadows and stood by the entrance directly to her right.

She stood gingerly and attempted to walk tentatively.

“One foot in front of the other Amethyst.”

“Why hello Sir. How are you?” she asked deviantly. She knew from the black in his eyes it would not be long until he took her. The juices running down her leg were a steady stream now.

Outside, as he opened the door for her to get in the car he grabbed her hair, squeezed her ass, and bit her shoulder blade.

“OOOWWWWWW!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMM. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!”

“GET IN!!!” I growled.

“Yes Sir.” she acquiesced with the most passionate eyes. “Home never looked so good Sir.”

 

 

Namaste

 

 

 

Drago and Amethyst

 

4/7/2021

I have always had this nagging issue with the words Power Exchange.

 

Maybe it's the linguist in me?

OR 

That I despise a label as an end-all-be-all truth?

 

The words never have rung true for me. It is an incomplete or insufficient choice of words over a type of dynamic shared in BDSM.

 

My reasoning?

 

There is no power that is exchanged equally between parties in a D/s or M/s dynamic that I can see on the surface.

Yes, it is true, for those who incorporate love in their dynamics there is a sharing of hearts. Generally, even that is not equal.

We can share respect one for another. On equal footing even, each from their station.

I suppose in that lens the power of respect is then exchanged.

 

I have wondered, maybe I am just hung up on the word exchange? To ME, exchange is something mutual. Equal. I give to you, you give to me. That is, a fair (?) exchange.

It is more than just the exchange is not equal though.

What a submissive gives is not equal to what a dominant gives. It just is not (I will explain below).

 

I am NOT saying it is less important or valuable. This is not a discussion on the merits of what we each give. I ABSOLUTELY accept the value of what anyone gives within their capacity is valuable and worthy of respect, acceptance, appreciation, and validation. 

 

The honesty is that a parent has more responsibility than a child. It is not equal. When more responsibility is required so also is the level of giving required greater. No child would survive if a parent did not take up the responsibility for providing for that child in very real ways (working to provide food, shelter, creature comforts etc cetera). The parent clearly gives more. Is the child somehow less valuable?? Goodness no!!! In fact it is because of the value of the child to the parent that the responsibility is taken so seriously and what is given is so powerful and necessary. No child, regardless of their value, gives more than their parent. It is simply a fact.

So also is it in many dynamics. The dominant takes all the responsibility for the care, well-being, & needs of the submissive. The value of the submissive is incalculable to the dominant.....very true. That is not the same thing as saying the submissive gives as much as a dominant does. By the law of power a dominant absolutely gives more. They must. Or are they ever really leading? You could not follow someone who did not lead by example. Who did not show how to follow. Obedience will only take you so far. Structure, will only take you so far. You can not make your heart obedient. You can not structure feelings, no matter how hard you try. Eventually, if surrender does not come from the heart, it will fail you. Guaranteed. How does submission come from the heart? Same way it comes from a child, by respect (including a small amount of fear), need (not to be confused with co-dependency), safety (in ALL the ways not just physically), provision (in ALL the ways), protection (in ALL the ways). AKA, the power of dominance. 

 

In any event, I believe it is much richer to 'out-give' as a dominant within our dynamics. The rewards of building a dynamic around this understanding or structure are far more uplifting and set a standard of a particular role model versus being the expectant recipient of submission with nothing more than because you are the dominant as a reason. 

 

With power comes what?

Authority.

 

With authority comes what?

 

Responsibility.

 

A submissive has none of this. They exchange no power of authority or responsibility over a dominant.

 

"But Drago, a submissive grants authority and responsibility TO a dominant!" 

 

Do they though?

 

I will give you that a submissive allows a dominant to have authority and responsibility over them (even that often is limited however to their comfort level). That is not the same thing as the dominant having authority and responsibility regardless. I would also contend that a submissive seeks and desires a dominant that has and holds responsibility and authority. 

 

What do I mean?

 

As a dominant I have worked long and hard to be responsible for my own life. To manage it well. I have taken authority over my actions, correcting them if I need to, taking accountability when I missed something. I am NEVER handing that power over to anyone. In what way should I ever exchange that with another? Or, put another way, what submissive would ever want a dominant to hand over that kind of power? Isn't that what a great many submissives seek? A dominant in control of their life with deep integrity and responsibility to the extent that they own, with full authority, their actions, reactions, emotions, choices etc cetera? 

 

Add to that, what many submissives that seek a D/s or M/s dynamic want is a leader. Someone they can trust to follow.

 

How can you trust someone to follow them?

Certainly one of the many things, if not the largest first thing, is the ability of that dominant to be responsible in tangible, real-life ways in their lives. They have authority over their existence and use that authority wisely to firstly become the best individual they can be, and then also supporting others, in some fashion, using their authority to enrich others lives.

I know of no submissive that would genuinely follow any dominant that did not have this power over their own lives. They would not be able to trust them fully. 

 

So I ask, 

 

In what way am I, as a dominant, exchanging power with a submissive?

 

I refuse to set down this power for anyone. I am not relinquishing my responsibility or authority for anything. This would make me small. Possibly even insecure. Surely it would create questions of trustworthiness if I did. I mean, how many submissives have lamented a dominant partner who buckled or let them get away with whatever? Who had no backbone? Who had no power? Who had no self responsibility to a set of values no matter what? 

Just as children can grow up and become unruly, or disobedient because the parent tried to be their equal rather than their security, safety, consistency, power in their life so also would any submissive (in my lens) become if you were trying to exchange with them on some sort of equal footing.

I will repeat, I have never known of any submissive that wants a leader whom they are on equal footing with. They want a superior. Someone they can look up to. A rock that will weather their storms with them. Whom can stay steadfast. Who has the power to calm them, keep them, be their shelter.

No shelter protects you from the storms of life if it is not above you.

Again, not in some narcissistic way. No parent who loves their child treats them as less than. But they also do not expect the child to go out and get a job to take care of the household when that is not their responsibility. 

 

Am I seeing it incorrectly? I mean truly......am I missing an obvious thing here?

Am I making it more complicated than it needs to be? Sincerely asking. Not just rhetorical.

 

If not Power Exchange, then what?

 

I have absolutely wrestled with this question. Power imbalance has been the place I have landed most honestly. That has often felt, however, like it has some denigrating tone to what a submissive brings to a dominants world. While it may be factually true, it also fails to highlight the role of a submissive in a very positive light. 

What Amethyst brings to my world, is in many ways from my view, an amazingly magical thing I could never create or give. And have often lamented that I lack the words to even enunciate. It is sacred, unique, special, divine, beyond imagination. To express that we have a Power Exchange dynamic would equally be as insufficient in expressing what she gives to me.

 

Sometimes I think we use words or phrases as something to just say. Like, we fail to honestly think about what we are trying to convey and we lose sight of the meaning we intend or desire. 

I find personally a great importance in words. If communication is key, words are the lock. What we intend to be on the other side of the communication door is understanding. If not understanding, empathy. If not empathy, then sympathy. Because we want to be seen, heard, met.

I wish I had some inspiration around what words would better describe a dynamic outside of Power Exchange or Power Imbalance. I feel these both fail to succinctly describe sufficiently the roles that are lived. 

 

Maybe,

Value Investment Relationships?

 

Doesn't quite roll off the tongue does it??? 😂

 

What do you think?

I am absolutely open to hearing others perspectives and thoughts here. I am certain I do not see all the lenses around this!!

 

 

I hope that you f

ind your purpose and clarity today.

 

 

Namaste

 

 

 

Drago and Amethyst

 

 

12/28/2023

 

 

Hello all!

 

How are you doing today?

 

I am struggling with a nasty bug that's been going around, but I feel like I may have gotten over the worst of it.

 

This being sick showed me a piece of myself that I have known in part but was made acutely aware of by my actions while I was wrestling with not feeling good and being cared for by Amethyst.

 

One would think (or maybe it is just me?) that as a dominant I would not have a wrestle with being served. Being taken care of. Being loved genuinely back to health.

 

What I discovered deeper though is I have this hyper-independent response to others taking care of me. I am good with service as long as it looks a specific way.

 

Want to suck my cock every day? Great! I love that service! 

 

You desire to kneel for me every day? I LOVE IT! 

 

You want to cook healthy meals for us? Excellent!!! I will humbly and gratefully receive it!

 

You want to comfort me when I am struggling to have the strength with something? Wait, what? Um, no. I got this!! 😂😏🤦

 

I know many men (certainly this man!) who never want to show 'weakness'. I never want someone to see me struggle. Nevermind that I KNOW that is strength of a fashion, to show up and wrestle with finding your strength in a moment. It lands on my body as something to resist. To run from.

 

Enter hyper-independence.

 

When as children, for whatever reason, we felt we had to grow up too quickly. Become our own advocate. Or simply fend for ourselves in many ways, the only thing many of us understand to do at that time is to learn not to need anyone else. Especially when it was at the hands of our parents who were by all accounts meant to take care of us when we were just too small to do so. Our ability to trust that our needs will be met by others is damaged. Especially if you grew up poor and hungry. The people that were supposed to make sure your basic needs were met could not do so. Most of our responses tend to be self-protection in the form of taking matters into our own hands.

 

As we grow and begin making personal connections in partnerships we carry this hyper-independence with us. We got this!

Add to it a handful of failed relationships where you sought to be loved and were not given it as you sought for. It deepens this mechanism of self-reliance to the extent that we keep others at arms length. This may not at all be what we intend. We may be utterly unawares even. I know, at least for me, I still desperately sought to be loved and cared for. There is this truly dichotomous war within over allowing Amethyst to care for me and my struggle to allow her to do so for fear of her letting me down.

 

This type of wound is similar, by the way, to perfectionism. Similar root. Where we feel we must become better, more, tackle and be it all to somehow measure up to an unseen standard where we feel worthy then to be acceptable in the eyes of others. That's another writing though.

 

I never mention childhood as a blame or escape goat. I believe all things happen for us, not to us. I use it as a tool. Something most of us can relate to. We each may have been in similar situations as children and today seeing the patterns in our behavior because of that past may afford us the opportunity to grow beyond the behaviors that are truly impeding what we seek.

 

That is where I find myself. Realizing this hyper-independence is keeping me from the connection I so desperately desire. Everytime I push Amethyst or anyone away because 'I got this', I resist care, grace, kindness, compassion, love, mercy, support, encouragement, connection. The very things I say I need.

 

How have I found my way through this?

 

Firstly, I am certain at this moment I am not at all very good here!!!

I find resistance the second Amethyst seeks to care for me. I start to express I do not need her care or the trite 'I am fine' 🤢. What I attempt to do today is follow that up immediately with an apology and an expression of appreciation for her willingness to serve and gratitude for her patience and understanding around my stubbornness. Then, even if it is through gritted teeth, I receive her care.

I would like to say it is that simple. It is anything but!

Sometimes, I have an attitude and resist fiercely. Not meanly, I have never been mean. But I am certain the way in which I have responded has come across as not needing, or appreciating Amethyst's genuine desire just to care.

 

As I have sat with my responses here I have recognized I do it under all kinds of circumstances.

 

If I am having a tough day at work I don't really give myself permission to discuss it with her. To just 'let it go'. Instead I take care of it myself. Nevermind that she has always supported me and is not at all bothered or turned off by my expression however that appears. She values connection, that is going to come by sharing and communication.

 

If I am wrestling with how I feel about a thing and she just wants to hug me to comfort me, I resist. I generally will hug her, but the emotional resistance within my body is present. I don't want to trust she actually cares. That she will consistently show up for me with a heart that wants to serve in a supportive way. I don't want her to see me 'falling apart'. I want to hold it all together. She, of course, recognizes this. She is VERY attune energetically and can feel it.

In fact, I am certain she has seen this hyper-independence in me long before I recognized it for myself.

 

My goal for me is to get to a place where I can relax and trust I am safe to believe others care.

It is not so much about dependence on others, or believing in them. People are people. They will falter. Have bad moments. Will not always get it right. That is honest. Always will be. How I navigate that does not need to be this vehement resistance of distrust in others to my detriment. Yes, there are those out there that would seek to do me harm and have no intention or motive to care authentically. I get to learn balance, to not allow those of that ilk to be a part of my world and those that are genuine I get to learn how to believe they care as they can. That even if they do not care in this deep, fulfilling, visceral way that I may have an unrealistic standard set for them in does not change that they care as they do and I am ok to allow them to show up as themselves. That even when I allow others to care for me I am not somehow handing power over my existence over to them. I am no longer a child needing to be cared for in the most fundamental of ways. In that sense I am absolutely capable and can do a sort of reassuring myself that I will always survive. But it is also honest that part of my survival is also a part of community and to rob myself of that connection, however that looks, is to diminish myself. 

 

This may sound rather silly to you. I recognize as I write this some of it sounds preposterous to me. Only because being able to see the dichotomy in reality now causes me to feel a bit silly for not having seen it previously. I try not to judge things as such. I know in my head that we are each on our journeys and we discover what we do when we are able to see it. That is not always an immediate comfort when you see how you are making choices that are harming you and hurting others that you have no intention of doing.

 

My hope today is that I learn to give myself the grace needed to be human. I am far from perfect. I get to learn that is ok even when I don't like it!! 😏

 

I hope each of you are having a fantastic day. That you find your peace and center that grounds you in your purp

ose today.

 

 

 

Namaste

 

 

 

Drago and Amethyst

 

 

12/21/2023

Hello All!

 

In my never ceasing attempts to show you, the reader, how a dynamic can look in honest transparency, I am here once again.

 

As per usual, I ask you to suspend judgement within the contents of this space.

Let us consider together how to grow here. With insight. Compassion. Grace.

 

Amethyst has a horrible trauma around physical intimacy.

 

There. 

I said it. 

 

Nothing she likes to see. Certainly nothing she wants to admit to others.

It causes her, as one can imagine, to feel broken. Less than. Damaged. Fucked up. To make matters worse, her partner NEEDS intimacy. So she is constantly being pressed here. Uncomfortable. Awkward. Vulnerable.

In ways she does not want.

Oh, she wants to heal. Just in a bubble. Away from anyone else seeing or knowing.

Where she imagines discomfort will not exist. 

 

The reasons for her trauma?

 

Every person in her past used her body to get off. They did not care one iota for how SHE felt. What she needed or wanted.

This deepened abandonment wounds.

Created a sort of disconnection between anything that looks like intimacy.

A shutting down of her heart. Where she just wished the space was over. She would endure because it is what she felt she must in order to have a relationship.

 

Today she knows with her head different. But the trauma plays out in her body. She closes down. Recoils. Can become emotionally distant. Has no desire for physical intimacy personally. It just activates old stories. Why re-traumatize ones self?

 

She has no idea what to do. How to make it different. How to grow here.

 

Neither do I........completely. I have no idea what will work for her growth. That's a nasty truth many dominants will not share with you. We are often at a loss. We can shotgun a circumstance with ideas.....that is not the same as knowing how to best serve you. Often, especially around emotionally charged situations.

What I DO know is, I love her. That has not disappeared because she has trauma. If I abandoned her because of her trauma I would have to abandon myself. Not only so, but the next person will have trauma too. Maybe not in the same way, sure. But I would get to navigate trauma regardless. No dynamic is without the challenges of vulnerability if we value trust, honesty, and transparency as bedrock foundational pieces to our connection.

 

I have believed, and heard reflected over and over,

'Love is not enough'.

While I do agree that a relationship needs more than what most define love as. My definition of love is possibly unique in the sense that I do not believe any of the other things a relationship needs exist without love.

 

I digress, the point is, what happens when you run up against a seemingly immovable object as a person and you yourself need that object to move for whatever reason?

 

Do we quit?

Pack our bags and say it is not a good fit?

Leave, because life is too short to be dissatisfied?

Is what our partner struggling with something harmful to themselves or us?

Are we selfish because we have our needs?

Where do our needs actually come from? Why are they there? 

Is our need more important than our partners need to feel safe?

Is our need more important than our partners well being?

All things being equal, if our need is valid and their need is as well, which one gets honored if they are opposing needs? Theirs? Ours? Both? None?

Do we consider alternatives? Poly? Open relationship? Therapy?

Is the consideration of these things against our character? Does the integrity of who we are cease to be valid if we consider crossing our own boundaries?

How do we rectify a circumstance, that at the very worst, in the immediacy is not functioning healthily?

 

I have sat with each of these questions, and considered so many others. What I discovered is that the questions revealed one solid thing to me.

 

It matters, and I care. For myself, and for her.

 

I have gotten the opportunity to strengthen my own resolve around my needs. I have sat with and come to understand what my need is and why it exists. While there is a biological imperitive driven into every man to 'spred their seed', it is also true that it has evolved into more than that for me. It is the way I share my heart. It is the way I give. It is the moment I allow myself to be open, vulnerable, exposed to my partner. I share, unreservedly, unashamedly, all of me in that space.

 

To not have my partner meet me there as they are able is challenging to say the least!

 

Notice something I just expressed though.......'as they are able'.

I have also witnessed a way I have set myself up for a fulfilled prophecy of 'never being loved or met'. By having expectations that intimacy MUST look a certain way for it to be honest. No surprise then when I walk away feeling unseen. Unmet. Unloved. I was cock blocking myself from receiving it. I would not have gotten to see this if it had not been for this piece Amethyst and I get to navigate.

 

She is able as she can be in this moment. And any woman will tell you, some moments are easier or more intense than others. Sometimes presence is easy to achieve and other times the kids are down for a nap and any sound at the baby monitor keeps your focus elsewhere.

 

Trauma keeps us focused elsewhere. Scared. Believing something else is transpiring except what actually is.

 

Would my exit from the dynamic increase her likelihood of healing? Or would it create more trauma?

We can debate until the cows come home about my rights and her needs.

 

The point is......did I mean what I said when I placed a collar around her throat? 

 

Am I responsible for her or not? 

 

Sugarcoat it all you like behind reasons or excuses. I am either serious or I am not.

Either I care or I don't.

Yes, I can care from a distance.

Yes, my care of myself matters and should not go neglected, mostly from myself.

 

Query:

 

Can you both care for someone's need for consistent stability while they heal AND respect and reach for your needs?

 

Can you respect someone's trauma and choose yourself while simultaneously choosing the connection you both share?

 

I would say the answer is a resounding yes if two requirements are met.

 

       1. The trauma response is not one of physical, emotional, mental harm to anyone or the connection as a whole. This is entirely subjective......if I had no emotional capacity to accept anothers trauma because it caused prolonged harm to me this requirement would then not be met.

 

         2. All parties agree to respect where the other is, what they need, while also doing their honest best to heal. Including but not limited to open, uncomfortable, exposing communication around how each might feel with the continued caveat of respect.

 

Only an individual can answer whether their care means or includes being consistent with their word or character. My personal experience has been others are quick to give up because it is 'challenging'. Rather than face their own heart and the reasons for the fear that may be raising up in them it is simpler to walk away, not look at or face the resistance and go somewhere where the resistance is either less or fantastically 'does not exist'. IMHO no such place exists. Because the resistance one is facing is what is needed for their maturation.

 

Nonetheless, this is what a relationship can look like.

Facing fears.

Seeing the not-so-pretty pieces of ourselves.

How we can judge. How we do not want to see those unsavory pieces we believe we keep so well hidden. 

How we can be so quick to give up on a connection because it presses on our own fears.

 

Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

 

If you knew you would make a million dollars a year if you stuck with something through thick and thin would you stay? Would there really be anything not worth it?

 

If the above questions causes you to find excuses or reasons that are not because of immoral, or out of integrity for you pieces, I would very much question whether you should ever be in a committed relationship. Let alone a BDSM dynamic. 

 

Life is not perfect. Nothing comes pre-assembled when it comes to a person's emotional or mental welfare. Knowing this honesty will prepare you for the truth that effort, work, love will be required to propel any healthy connection. They don't just happen by accident. They are intentional.

 

 

As I said, it matters, and I care.

 

So long as it matters and Amethyst cares too there is nothing our connection cannot weather. Because we intend connection......even though we can feel scared in moments. Even though it may not look like we want it to all the time. Even if we fail ourselves and struggle.....we intend connection.

 

What seems to be dysfunction, or broken can actually be the very glue that builds you closer. If you allow it......if that is what you intend and mean.

 

A collar means nothing without purposeful follow through on intentions.

For all parties.

 

 

 

I hope you find your peace and focus today.

 

 

 

Namaste

 

 

 

Drago and Amethyst

 

 

12/1/2023

 

Today I would like us all to consider the ways in which we give away or own our own power.

What do I mean by that?

In a power exchange dynamic we all have power to give. The power of our bodies of course. Our time. Our energy. Our passions. Our desire. These are examples of common things we give in exchange for different power within a dynamic.

To give away any of those things we must personally own that which we hope to give away.

Our bodies.....check.

Our time.......check.

Our energy.....check.

We own these and can then readily offer them as something we can give.

What if we are giving those things away with no exchange? What if, we get nothing equal in return? And, in that thinking, how do WE personally define equanimity?

The following has been my experience. What I have walked through myself. I make no claims that my journey will look like yours.......this is offered as a reflection and food for thought.

Ways that I gave away my power that was not returned equally:

• doing what I thought another wanted me to do
• accepting crumbs within a relationship
• worrying about rejection which therefore changed my behavior
• apologizing when it was not my fault
• agreeability to avoid conflict
• pushing my own needs to the side until I no longer have a need
• giving in the hopes of reciprocation with no boundaries
• not doing anything for myself (ignoring self-care)
• wanting to keep someone happy over accepting my own need is just as valuable
• saying yes when I did not want to
• accepting being guilty in my partners eyes when I voiced a need
• withholding who I truly am
• not seeing myself as an equal
• relying on approval from others
• seeking acceptance of others
• having NO boundaries
• being a perfectionist
• feeling as if I must earn my worth
• worried about what others think
• dissmissive or avoidant attachment
• anxious attachment
• quick to anger, yet swallowed it

In all of these ways I gave away power to others that I neither owned, understood, were aware of, or could truly give.

All of these were a way of me coping with my own emotional needs in what I felt were ‘safe’ ways that I learned from a childhood that offered little emotional support. Now, I am NOT blaming my childhood. I am an adult today, if I can see my behavior I can begin to make choices to correct it. Blame serves nothing than to keep us in the cycle of the past. I made the choices I did in past relationships because it was all I understood about how to navigate a relationship. I was not given a manual, shown by a healthy example how to. I brought into my relationships me.......with my people-pleasing co-dependent style of ‘safety’.

When I began my journey into BDSM one of the founding principles I discovered was highly valuable was personal accountability. Responsibility of self. As a dominant by choice this meant I began a journey (and still continue) of owning my responses and actions. Understanding came AFTER I accepted my own power in the spaces I navigated. Meaning, I learned ways to hold my own self to a better and more honest, authentic standard that honored who I was rather than feared who I was.

Ways I have learned to take back my power and own what I need:

• caring equally for myself as I do others
• accepting praise, kindness with humility rather than dismissal
• being upfront and transparent about what I like/want in a relationship
• holding boundaries around what I will and will not accept as behavior towards me
• voicing my feelings openly even if I am angry. Voicing them with grace and tact. Not making my feelings about anyone else. Seeing my emotions, especially triggers as mine to navigate.....not anyone elses’.
• learning that the only approval that matters is mine
• following, believing in my truth
• when others disagree with me, understanding that is their lens.....which NEVER has anything to do with me.
• not ignoring my feelings
• taking time everyday for self-care.
• learning to embrace my uniqueness and beauty as intrinsic
• accepting that disagreement is NOT conflict, simply an opportunity to learn
• letting go of the need to be perfect. What I offer today is enough. What I offer today is not as much as tomorrow in my growth.......but that is not here yet.
• understanding that rejection of something I think or feel is NOT an indictment on my value, nor a rejection of me as a person
• learning what I need/want and not feeling bad for what that looks like
• giving from an honest place with no thought or need of reciprocation but only up to my personal limit
• giving myself permission to be who I am.
• giving myself permission to show up as I am.
• forgiving myself for not knowing what I did not know
• applying grace liberally as I grow knowing I will NOT get it all right.
• learning boundaries that are honest to my character

In these ways (and many more) I have begun to take responsibility for the actions that have caused me to feel ‘safe’ but not ever met. I have witnessed within myself these traits that have kept me from being the best version of myself around others. Friends, family, partners have all suffered for my inability to maintain/hold a clear, informed, balanced version of my power. Giving away that which I did not have in an attempt to gain what I could not from cheap and inauthentic means.

Learning to love yourself. To claim your power back from those who would use it (family is especially egregious and difficult to navigate) and manipulate you to get their needs met without a care for your own is far from easy. It has taken me just under 20 years to get to the point that I am at. And I have much further to grow. It has paid exceptional dividends though, firstly in my own peace of mind and inner contentment, which honestly is the most important. Secondarily, those around me know exactly where I stand. What I am about. How best they can support me. Where my limits are. What I need or want. In what ways they are valued and fit into my sphere with no guessing. How I truly do care for them with actions and not just words. Others can see my heart openly and get to earn a piece of my trust in an honest fashion without subterfuge.

All of this has been/is a work in progress. Breaking the cycle of past patterns that I thought was power only to discover it was my own powerless self that was looking for power from others rather than from my self.

 

What are other ways maybe you have or do give away your power unhealthily?

 

What are more ways you know of to take back your power so that you can honestly give it?

 

I hope you all discover your peace today.

 

 

Namaste

 

 

Drago and Amethyst

 

3/21/2021