Emotional Domination

Hello friends.

Today I am going to express some things about 'doing the work'.

So that we are communicating in a transparent way I will define what I mean by 'doing the work'.

Doing the work for me is about taking a hard look at the ways in which we respond/react to circumstances in our lives and taking responsibility for our actions/inactions that affect the trajectory of our lives. Working to hold ourselves and those who rightfully own pieces that play a part in how we show up in an accountable way.

By way of a random example:

Someone calls you a derogatory term. One you have heard and been affected by for much of your life. Your knee jerk reaction is to become defensive and lash out towards them. That exchange may even put you in a foul mood and you may be sour with everyone else around you for the remainder of your day.

'Doing the work' means owning your reaction. Your defensiveness that continued an unhealthy communication. Which now turned into an unhealthy conversation. Which then led to you taking out YOUR actions on others that were not even involved.

In short, it is learning to take accountability and stem the emotions that you allow others to control inside of you.

This is just ONE minor example of what it means to learn to do the work. To learn to see yourself. To learn to be honest about why others can so easily control or press on your buttons and take accountability for YOUR responses.

Why is this important?

The obvious one is so others do not control you. For you to be able to find peace and centeredness with yourself to the extent that you are the creator of your story. No one else gets to write your narrative. You decide who you are going to be......not others who seek to manipulate, goad, lead, control, use you for their selfish gain.

Conversely, the opposite is true as well. So you can learn to speak freely, openly, clearly about who you desire to be and what you need and want without trying to gaslight, bully, manipulate, control others to give you what you want.

In short, to be healthy. Firstly, for you. Your journey. By extension then, towards others.

I would like to take a moment and encourage us here.

This process. This realignment. This deconditioning. It never ends. No matter how 'good' one may get at navigating the pieces of themselves that do not serve their truest self there will always be room for growth.

The point is NOT a destination.

It is the journey. 

I often find myself struggling with moments of feeling like not enough. For this very reason. Because I want to be 'healed'. I want to have arrived at some place where my past conditioning no longer threatens to derail me.

I have discovered though, that is my fear. It may be a different reason for others. For me, however, it is about wondering if I will be able to navigate the next moment I am shown something. Because, let's face it, we all have hot buttons. Things that trigger us and are daunting to consider navigating. I have this story that if I cannot navigate these touchy spaces perfectly that I will be failing and somehow end up back as the unhealthy person I was before I started. That all the hard work I have put in will be for naught. What I am expressing is a 'perfectionist' mindset. Where I refuse to give myself grace because to do so will somehow admit I may get it wrong and be imperfect. It is a lot less about how others will perceive me (though that can play a role) as much as how I like to look at myself.

I think we all like to believe we are the victors, or the heroes of our story. We seldom like to admit there are moments where we are the monsters or the villains. It is challenging for us to allow ourselves to take that 'hit' to our ego. We can often be fragile in our self-esteem.

Conversely, this is often why many do not do the work. Because it means accepting we are not always right. That we too, have contributed to our own struggles and demise in moments. Whether that was through limiting beliefs or inactions on our part that allowed others to treat us poorly.

Part of the journey is accepting our humanity. We are not and never will be the idealized individual we think we 'should' be in our minds. Including the reality that the work never ceases.

I have discovered that is actually a good thing!

I spent a short time believing that I was progressing more rapidly than those around me and that equated in my brain to being further ahead and dare I say, in my arrogance I believed myself to be 'better'. Needless to say I missed the assignment!!! In my hubris I was shown just how much further I had to go the hard way!!! I was pressed on pretty hard and failed miserably!! The gains I perceived I had made were shown to be pretty shallow!

The lesson I learned was: we, each of us, go through things unique to us that others know nothing about. To believe we are somehow 'further along' or 'better' is to rob ourselves of the support we can receive from those around us who have navigated things in their life which we have not.

Doing the work is about the journey. We are not an island doing this work. We each need and can use the support and encouragement of others around us.

Yes. Even the staunchest introvert (raises hand).

Why?

At the very worst, because it is confronting to our ego. My experience has shown me that is often the biggest obstacle towards our own healing and seeing ourselves enough to decondition.

At best, because we learn that as a collective we each benefit from the wholeness of those around us. It makes us better. Stronger. Iron sharpens iron. Who we then surround ourselves with, who we listen to. Who we read. Who we follow. What form of information we take in then becomes of paramount importance towards a truer version of ourselves.

The purpose of this writing, as I intend all of my writings, is to encourage you.

You are not more or less further along than anyone else on your journey. Such a comparison does not mean anything except to your ego. You are where you are. The point is NOT where you are......as much as the truth that you ARE doing the work. Provided that in fact you are.

I will leave you with this discussion I had with Amethyst very early on in our dynamic.

"Sir. I am afraid of being replaced. I am afraid that I cannot be what you desire me to be. I am afraid you will find a more established submissive. One who has been in the lifestyle longer than myself. Someone who is further along in their journey. That knows their desires. Is in touch with their sexuality. That can give you more of what you know you need and desire."

"Oh little girl. Allow me to reassure you. It is true there will always be someone further along than us. They may even appear to be 'better'. That is not the same as having your heart. No one has your heart but you. THAT is what I find the most value in. All those other things I have had or experienced. And none of them had your heart. A heart that fights for what is good. That wrestles with seeing herself and healing. You will NEVER quit on yourself. I KNOW this about you. Before I was ever a part of your life you decided to work at being the truest version of yourself. You committed to trying, come hell or high water, you were going to try. You are willing to accept you are going to get it wrong at times, and you will get up, dust yourself off and try. That is RARE!!! Magical. Beautiful. I trust that if/when you come to a space where you discover the things about yourself that fuel you, appreciation will flow from you towards me from a place of gratitude and I will have what I believe I have always had.......your heart. This moment is not different than that future moment. You give of yourself as much as you are able today......that is all any of us can do. It is not the amount you give, or even what you give that truly matters......it is that you desire to give. The journey we are on is about partnering to be truer to ourselves as we travel. Not for us to arrive at some place where you feel ok to give me this or that where it does not come from an authentic space, I do not want your obedience as much as I want your passion. Your fervor to try. Not for me......for YOU. Because I long to see your contentment and peace. From that naturally you will live in your truest passions. I admire the woman you are. Someone who doesn't give up when it would be very easy to do so. I am not talking about having moments where you would like to! I am talking about the fact that even in those moments you will not stay there for too long.

 I am proud to have you as my partner in this life. To be a force that leads you back home to yourself. To get to witness your journey. It allows me to have my journey. To feel safe to trust you will not judge me or quit on me when I get it wrong or fail to want to get up and try. What more could anyone ask for from a connection??? "

The conversation above is important because I truly want everyone to experience this level of connection. Where we have those who will cheer for us on our journey even when we want to give up, or when we may be wrestling to move forward. Where we can each recognize that those around us are fighting battles none of us understand......but we need not understand to support. Where we each see the humanity in others because we too need that grace extended to us.....after all, we fall short as well from time to time.

I pray you each find clarity and a focus on your divine

purpose today.

Namaste

Drago and Amethyst

11/21/2023

Consistency:

Definition - conformity in the application of something, typically that which is necessary for the sake of logic, accuracy, or fairness.

Something many discuss as a necessary prerequisite to a healthy dynamic.

I believe the devil is in the details here however.

What one may desire/need/want in the form of consistency may not at all be something another person is willing or able to be consistent in for a multitude of reasons.

Example:

You have a fear of abandonment. You desire someone to consistently communicate with you or your fear is activated.

Query: Is it another's responsibility to tip toe around your fear? Or is it your responsibility to navigate your fear?

I am NOT expressing that it is not kind and compassionate for another person to understand you may be afraid, and therefore offer sincere encouragement and reassurance. That is NOT the same as their consistency changing, fixing, solving, managing your fear.

You know how I know?

Because I have expected the same thing from those around me. Believing that if someone would just show up consistently like this my fear would disappear. And, it never will or can. Again, that is NOT saying they do not support you by being consistent. It IS saying that no matter how consistent an individual may be it is still our responsibility to take accountability for our fears, insecurities, doubts, traumas, triggers. That is no one else's to have to navigate. Making it someone else's is cruel. Because you are setting them up for a failure. They will never know how to quiet your heart. They may have the capacity to do so in a short term fashion. But they will not be able to pull that concern out by the root because they cannot see eit, nor are they in control of removing it.

One of the greatest failures I have ever witnessed of myself was thinking that if someone would just love me like this.....I would be all better. I would feel safe. I would be healed. The honesty is......I put a hell of a burden on someone else AND I expected them to do something I had no idea how to even achieve. I mean, others in my life had attempted time and time again and I could not receive their consistency as something that healed me.

Why?

Because I did not navigate or face the truth within me that I was the one that refused to trust that regardless of how someone showed up I was going to be fine. Of course I wanted to be loved honestly. But I would not let them. I barely even knew for myself what that meant. To boot, people are human, they will get it wrong. Rather than accepting that reality I chalked it up to them being inconsistent, because it served my narrative that I could not be loved. That narrative was born from my fear because it was easier for me to blame someone for their consistency, or lack thereof, rather than look and admit I had some work to do personally on allowing someone close enough for them to actually cause me hurt. And trust that even if someone chose to do so I would survive. AND, that did not mean I was wrong to open my heart and trust someone that had earned that trust. It just meant I got to learn I trusted in the wrong sort of individual or I was wildly naive and gullible. All of which still pointed back to me and my opportunity to grow.

Consistency is important. Valuable. Necessary.

So also is our ability to see honestly what they are showing us.

Often, we desire someone to consistently show us their ability to hold us safely, and because we desire it SO much we 'believe' we see them being so. Disregarding the evidence of our consistency to choose those who want us only for what they have to gain with us. Rather than seeing the consistency we actually need is someone who will not allow us to depend on them, rather, they encourage us to find our own safety and protection for our hearts.

THAT, becomes a comfort and security. When an individual will encourage our capacity to love ourselves enough to not be co-dependent on another for whether we feel safe or not. Rather, we feel safe because we know that regardless of what happens within our relationship (at whatever level that is) we will learn, adapt, grow, thrive. We may feel some sort of way if it does not go how we had hoped, but we will not be destroyed.

That is a consistency we actually seek. Or rather, one that is actually healthy for us. The former will ALWAYS lead us to a disappointment. Because NO ONE can hold us and our heart safer than we hold ourselves. 

The definition of consistency proves this truth.

 - 'That which is necessary for the sake of logic, accuracy, or fairness.'

It is accurate that no one has the capability to make us feel safe. That is something we are responsible for (again, no denying that others can help).

It is logical that humans will fail us. They will not always know how to meet our needs. Regardless, of how much they see us.

It is only fair to own our peace and be accountable for our safety. Yes, others will and can support us on our journey.

Very welcome and quite important!

This is my encouragement to all of us who have had, or do still have stories that others will somehow magically 'solve' our fears, insecurities, worries, traumas, triggers with their consistency. To own our part of what supports our healing and growth. So we get to have the most vibrant and actively healthy relationships possible.

I hope you find your center and peace today.

Namaste

Drago and Amethyst

11/18/2023

I have discovered on my journey a massive truth no one I have witnessed yet can ever deny.

What you put in, is what you get out.

I have learned quite painfully when I have given lack of boundaries and opted for pleasing someone else in an attempt to 'create connection' I got out of it failure. For a multitude of reasons.

When I gave only physical, the depth of the relationship was very surface. While I was dismayed at the lack of depth, it hardly was surprising since what I put in was very little.

No one would ever argue that someone who puts in the work, let's say, to learn rope tying for many years, would then be proficient at tying.

Or, if we do not invest trust, vulnerability, care, grace we will not receive it in return.

I wrote a writing a long time ago now about Be The Person You Hope To Get. It was, unknowingly to me, about this very idea. That writing was, quite loosely, attempting to encourage others to grow in the best way possible to be the best of themselves to attract the best to themselves.

This writing galvanizes those thoughts around this truth as mentioned above.

Return On Investment

I would dare say most of us invest in our relationships in varying degrees and in unique ways. I am not here to judge what that looks like or to question the merits of that investment. I only seek to offer encouragement and support for those whom have not gotten the return on their investment in the way they had hoped.

What are you putting in?

Because that is most certainly what you will get out.

"Drago, that's not fair or true! I have invested SO much in the wrong person and got crumbs in return!"

I am sorry for that for you! I resonate! I've been there!

But the honesty is, why did we invest in someone that would not return our investment? Why did we not know, or see they were not going to give back what we hoped?

I get it, no one has a crystal ball. If I could see what stocks would provide me with the most return for my investment I would be richer than I am!!

But, there are analytics. Those who know or see more than I do. Those who are familiar with certain stocks. And, there are the relatively stable stocks that produce a slower yield, but gradually rise nonetheless.

This is about our homework. Our vetting. But also, why we would choose a risky investment where we know we may 'lose it all' but still do so.

Or, why we want the 'quick return' instead of an investment that is for the long term? 

It is also about, what we personally bring to our dynamics.

I am guilty of offering little but expecting much. A doubling of my investment immediately because that's what I desire. And there are no two ways about it, I didn't want to work for it. I felt I deserved it just because I showed up. I am unsure if this is a 'domimant' mentality or just a human one? I know for ME I thought, "I am a dominant and because I identify as one I SHOULD have an s type bow before me.

What I was investing was arrogance. Hubris. Maybe even shades of narcissism. What I received in return was not very healthy. Or valuable.

It did not take me long to realize that just because I could handle a flogger did not mean I had enough to hold an s types heart or life responsibly.

Well shit. There were a lot of things I had to unpack before I could even invest something worthwhile to have a solid enough return.

Then there were the s types that I attracted to me. They wanted to invest very little as well. Most bang for their buck. Invest little but ask for a giant return. It is not any wonder I drew such to me. That's exactly what I was attempting to do.

Oh, I reached a point where what I had to invest was substantial and I chose to invest it in some who would only squander it and give nothing back. And, I believed that was right. For a season.

No one I know however, has EVER stayed in a dynamic or relationship that they did not get back what they put in. It just will not work. Either we are together investing into the relationship or we are not going to work out. There is hardly a middle ground.

That can look like a million different things of course. And what one needs in return for their investment may be wholly unique and diverse to them, without judgement.

I may never find it worth my time to invest in a purely physical relationship and not get my emotional needs met as well. But there are plenty of others who are content with such an investment.

What type of return are you looking for in an investment into your person(s)?

Are you investing enough to get such a return?

I can hardly go to my broker and ask them to take my vintage T-shirt collection and turn it into a million dollars. It is just not feasible or practical. No one will return to me an investment of that nature with an increase in value except that they were the correct individual who found value in what I had to offer. Even then, my offer, while important to them, still will not garner a huge sum of return.

So? I get to offer as investment tangible, reliable, healthy, viable, reproducible pieces of myself that will have the highest return. And while that return may be unimportant to others, I only needed one person who found value in what I offered and who offered me that which I sought for as valuable.

I got to work diligently on those pieces of myself that I found important. And, I dropped my ego enough to listen to the types of s types I valued and what they valued and discovered what, if anything, I was willing to learn to offer that my prospective partner would desire. I focused on attaining those pieces. Finding out if they were a part of my character or adding them if I felt they were a necessary component of my investment. I got to nurture those pieces within me. I worked on building them. Polishing them. I cared for them. Crafted them. Grew them. So I could offer the most value. Because, to be honest, I was truly sick of receiving low yield, poor return for what I put in. 

It took a while, but I realized I could not expect the return I hoped for without putting in the work to earn it.

What I put in, was what I had gotten out of BDSM dynamics. Which, sadly, was not as much as I had desired.

When I worked on what I had to invest, I discovered that those whom I considered investing into around me normally were actually a poor investment. As we hone our value, and acknowledge our gifts we begin to see those who are all too happy to benefit from us. Of course they find value in us. But they want something for nothing. A hand out. Which truly means they do not value US. They value what we have to offer them. What we can DO for them. 

When we see the worth of our investment we become more aware of people who would try to rob us. We recognize in short order that what they are offering is too good to be true. Or a fantasy. Or not realistic. Or not grounded in honesty.

We all can tell a story of a time we invested in someone who, for whatever reason, gave very little in return but asked the world of us. They may have sold us a dream. Making promises and writing checks with their mouth that their ass could not cash.

We hear all the time of more 'seasoned' players in the community counciling the 'newbies' to take it slow and work on themselves. In effect this is what they mean.

What do you have to invest in a dynamic that is unique and valuable that others want?

Not just submission surely?! Plenty others have that.

Not just dominance surely?! Plenty others have that.

What makes YOU valuable?

I am NOT here to answer that for anyone.

That's for you, the reader, to decide.

What kind of value do you want in return for your investment??

Is what you are investing worth what you are asking for in return??

I hope you find your

purpose and clarity today.

Namaste

Drago and Amethyst

11/16/2023

When I was young I saw the disconnected relationship of my parents and swore I would not ever live that kind of connection.

I also believed that the way to have a viable connection was through emotional transparency & honesty.

In my impatience I believed that looked like sex. So, I 'connected' with 100s of women.

Of course, time would show me......there was never really an emotional connection......just a physical. 

As I got older, I became convinced that connection would only come through marriage. So, I was engaged 3 times to different women before I finally was married. In my impatience I decided connection must mean co-dependent giving my all to my spouse.

As I grew in my marriage and was mistreated (abused) I discovered emotional investment & transparency must be a negotiated and agreed upon goal.

The dissolution of a 17 year marriage found me investing fully into BDSM. I could negotiate a consented dynamic for the type of connection I desired!

In my impatience I stepped into repeated dynamics that 'said' they wanted similar to myself.....but their actions straightaway showed me they were only saying what I wanted to hear.

When I finally stopped and looked at why I was so impatient, for the first time in 40 years since I began my journey for a deep connection, it was humbling to recognize I felt that it would be the thing that fulfilled me. Gave me peace. Brought me joy.

My impatience sought for an outward source of appeasement. It never occurred to me that I would not find it that way. It never occurred to me that I was not a stable force capable of having peace that nurtured connectivity. I did not model transparency.

Impatiently, I believed I should just get what I wanted because I asked.

I spent 40 years looking for something I KNEW I needed/wanted. Without so much as a thought to whether I could offer that which I expected from others.

I wanted honesty.......but was not honest with myself firstly and then, of course I could not be with others.

I wanted deep lasting trust. I did not know how to earn it. How to show up as trustworthy consistently.

I needed deep spiritual connection where i felt seen, heard, met by my partner. Yet, I did not know how to see myself. I did not know my own heart and how to listen. I was guilty of being what everyone else wanted me to be. In my impatience I believed that was how I was going to find the connection I so desperately felt would 'save' me.

I needed voraciously passionate sex. I violently wanted to be needed physically because it equated to being loved or emotionally met. In my impatience I mistook others desire for me to mean connection when all it truly meant was they would connect in this way so long as it gave them what they needed. Sadly, my impatience showed me I was doing no different.

40 years.

A LOT of pain. So much of it though, at MY hands. I am NOT shaming myself for what I did not know. And, I am NOT expressing any of this as a pity.

Rather as an encouragement.

Sometimes, many times, the thing we want the most, we are the enemy against receiving. 

In our impatience we will take the easy way. The path of least resistance. Not realizing that resistance is what brings us the growth we desire.

For those of you who feel like they are on the verge of giving up. Those who do not believe you can receive that which you feel you need/want/desire.

Hold on.

When I was at my lowest. When I was used, again, for what seemed like the millionth time. Frustrated. Angry. Crying bitter tears of regret for needing what I do. Feeling guilty because I like what I do. Wondering what is so wrong with me that I cannot have what I desire. I gave up.

I resigned myself to not find it. I had run out of ambition to pursue it any longer.

I sat my impatience down.

In the proceeding weeks I discovered the years of my impatience. Because I was able to see. I was no longer willing to ignore an inconvenient truth for a moment of pleasure.

I began to see ways I gave up my power. How I abdicated my needs to please others because it was easier than standing up and expressing what I would not live without. How I feared others reprisal and rejected myself.

So I began facing some challenging pieces within myself. Ones I am still navigating today. The universe forced me to be patient. To sit still and see myself, like it or not. Oh, I was, and still am at times, repulsed by or scared by what I discover. 

And while I can tell you without a doubt the connection with Amethyst is EXACTLY what I was searching for. It is also that which I had no idea was so confronting. I ONLY received that connection when I quit being so impatient.

Did you notice the running theme in my impatience???

'I' was the one trying to create the connection. In the image I believed it should be created in. Because it met my standards of 'safe'. None of those connections were ones that forced me to see myself and grow. They kept me asleep. Comfortable in the deception of being fulfilled looks like...... whatever was 'easy' and not facing the truth.

What truth???

That when given the opportunity what we all will choose is what is convenient over what is confronting. The only honesty we find in convenient is how disillusioned we are to what serves us best.

Hold on. What you NEED versus what you believe you need are often two diametrically opposed ideas.

Submissives:

Can you trust that what you need is more than what you see/know/believe/understand? I mean, after all, that is often why you seek a dominant right? To guide you in the best way? Otherwise, if it is just so they lead you in the way you want to be lead, is it really submission?

Dominants:

Can you accept that what you need is more than what you see/know/believe/understand? Can you drop your ego enough to gain some patience thereby growing in your perspective? After all, you are the leader. Where you allow yourself to be lead is what you model for others to follow. If you are going nowhere, because you somehow have all the answers, do not be surprised when no one will truly follow. It is not very believable, because it is not honest.

Hold on. What you are looking for is on the other side of what you perceive you need.

I hope you

find your patience and clarity today.

Namaste

Drago and Amethyst 

11/12/2023

'The only constant is change'

                                    - Heraclitus (paraphrase)

Something we all endure is change. For those of us who thrive under consistency this can be a challenge!

We get comfortable in our routines. Our structures are like a warm blanket. Those whom we know we are familiar with, and feel the safest with.

When change comes along and pulls those things away from us or shifts us we are a little lost. A bit unsure. Unstable. And even insecure.

One of the things I was taught early on was to find peace in the uncertainty. Rest in the unknown.

How, you may be wondering?

Life is a helluva teacher here!!!

That notwithstanding, I was shown in a very practical way.

A scene.

Ever have a scene where there was an alternating of implements?

Thud. Sting. Thud. Sting.

Soft. Hard. Soft. Hard.

Heavy. Light. Heavy. Light.

Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold. 

In a very literal sense this is teaching your body, your nervous system, to embrace duality. 

Change.

The more this is practiced the more inclined ones body begins to accept that change is not such a jarring experience but also a necessary and even pleasurable one.

Not convinced?

A more true to life example.

Seasons.

We all have our favorite.

Summer

Winter.

Spring.

Fall.

We all also have things about each that we love. We are more adept at accepting change than we at first glance may believe.

"Drago, we have lived our whole lives with the seasons changing that's hardly anything like a loss of a relationship or an upheaval in our routines!"

Fair point. But I would like to point to something in the above statement........acceptance of change. Familiarity.

"Are you expressing that if we experience a continued uncertainty we will find familiarity??? That sounds like chaos!!!!! I am NOT down!!! 😛"

In a way. I am encouraging us to consider embracing the uncertainty, the stretching, the rolling seas as a normal course of life wherein we discover how to stay centered nonetheless.

Consider this:

Those who have been through hell and back are much more likely to be capable of withstanding any kind of turmoil that comes their way. This is not for nothing! They have learned to be adaptable. Moldable. Pliable. Dare I say, surrendered to the honesty of life.

What comes also goes.

What stays also leaves.

What is here will also one day be gone.

What today feels safe will also feel terrifying at times.

What we find comfort in will also cause us pain. 

Duality.

Change.

Discomfort.

Uneasiness.

Unrest.

All a necessary part of our worlds. We do not get to any shore without riding the tumult of the sea.

Today, wherever you may find yourself.

In comfort, pleasure, ease, rest, or joy.

In dis-ease, loneliness, sadness, anxiousness, or uncertainty.

May you find the center that is the honesty of life.......

Change is inevitable......but not hidden from us. It is not elusive. It is ever present.

Discovering how to find acceptance and grounding therein can be the wisest thing we ever embody. 

What practices can you employ in your everyday life that would support a change towards an embodiment of surrender? 

I sincerely hope you realize your peace today.

Namaste

Drago and Amethyst

11/9/2023

Hello friends 👋

As many of you know I am not big on labels.

I recently discovered further why and I would like to share with you.

When I was a wee lad in primary school I was regularly sent to the office for punishment because of my cutting up.

This eventually led to having special classes for me with dedicated teachers. Including a psychiatrist who labeled me with ADD (as it was called back then) and summarily prescribed me Ritalin which made me a drooling heap of non-responsive-comatose-walking dead-child. My mother put an end to the medication and chose to keep me awake but annoying to the teachers! 😛

Anyway, I noticed that others attempted to treat me differently after the ADD diagnosis. Especially other kids. My peers saw it as something to tease and ridicule and customarily bullied me in many diverse ways.

What this did for me was help me to see I did not want to be treated differently simply because of a label. I truly saw myself no different. Someone else's estimation of me, true or not in a medical sense, was not going to determine the way I chose to live.

Fast forward over 40 years.......

I have lived with ADHD the entirety of my life. I know no different.

In my career I manage multi-million dollar home renovations. From inception through estimation. From scheduling to bidding. From installation to inspection. With usually at least 3 jobs going at the same time.

If you do not know what living with ADHD can feel like.....imagine incredibly fast moving water in a river sweeping falling leaves from trees out to the ocean. Your brain produces thought after thought (leaves) while simultaneously falling into the water only to be plummeted away from you on the shoreline as you desperately try to track the leaf you were just focusing on!!! 😛

And then there is my career which requires an immense amount of focus, clarity, planning, consistency, patience, memory, intelligence.

Had I allowed my 'label' to dictate to me who I am I would more than likely not pursued the career I have! It certainly would be easier!!!!

I express all of this to point to something I have witnessed and experienced personally.

Many of us, if labeled with something allow that something to limit us. It becomes a reason why we cannot achieve or overcome in some fashion in our life.

I am NOT advocating against the reality of our labels. 

I accept I have ADHD. 

I simply do not define that as something that limits me. 

In fact, I see it as a gift. My brain can see so many possibilities in such an abstract way that I always catch challenges before they happen because I can foresee them coming. I have learned to trust myself in what I know is honest about how things will work together. And I am never wrong here. My overactive brain has taught me how to recognize an almost immediate distinction between what is my head and my body. What I think versus what I intuit. When I cannot lose sight of the fallen leaf in the river it is because I am seeing that thing with my intuition. There is something there for me to look at and discover. So, I do.

I do not understand how to be anything other than myself. I acknowledge that my hyperactive brain exists. But I don't know how to live without it. So, I make it work for me. It is not something that limits me or causes consternation. I know I need tools and support in my world to help me focus and have clarity. But, I just consider it normal! I know no different.

I will not allow something to control me in such a way that it does not bring to me that which I desire, need, want, deserve or serves me. I choose to utilize that thing which seems to limit me and turn it into something that feeds me and makes me dangerously adept. Because I cannot see the point in allowing things to define me as weak.

Those things may be more challenging than others may have to navigate.

I accept that. 

That also makes me stronger than others. I also get the opportunity to overcome and adapt more which makes me more capable than those who do not need to navigate such things (around these areas at least).

This shows up in a myriad of practical ways for me.

This writing, and all my other writings, point evidence to it. The way my abstract brain construes thoughts in such a way that applies honest, radical sense to oft times confusing ideas. I can see things others cannot. I can add things up that seem to make the most fundamental sense to my brain but are actually quite uncommon for many others.

This aids me in my interactions with others. I am able to support them in very real and practical ways. 

But I have had to work at this. I have had to work to find tools that serve the way my brain works in real time. I have had to overcome a LOT of external noise to find peace with my incessant mind.

I wanted to write this all down as an example to others that whatever label, definition, challenge others may place in front of you that may somehow seem to put you at a disadvantage or limitation can actually become a very real super-power in your world. Bringing you, and others, a gifting that only you uniquely have to offer.

Are you too sensitive??? Empathic??? What ways can that be your greatest strength??? How powerful a heart and gift it can be to feel so deeply!!!!!!

Are you neurodivergent??? How does that serve you and the collective???

Even the label submissive or dominant!!! It is not something that makes you less-than or incapable in some way. In fact, it is a huge gifting that supports not only you but all of those around you!!! While you may not consider so at this moment, after a few seasons in the community you may discover that your station brings with it some aid/support to those around you. 

 In what ways are you gifted with your uniqueness???

It needs not be a reason to believe you are encumbered. Rather, it can be the thing that you have learned to build as your greatest strength and gift. 

In what ways can you support yourself to discover how to use your gifts to work for strengthening you and your collective???

I hope you find focus, clarity, and purpose today.

Namaste

Drago and Amethyst 

Hello all!!!!

I thought I would stop by and share a little.

Amethyst and I were sitting and discussing resistance recently. 

You know, the inability or unwillingness to lean into the uncomfortable spaces.

Think of these as soft limits. Yes, I may be willing under the right circumstances to navigate into the space and discover what is in it for me, but generally speaking I am not too keen on exploring here. The reasons, for the purpose of this writing, are not necessary except only that as humans we are not wired to step into the uncomfortable and be vulnerable. Surrendering that which we find challenging to even look at is honest for most of us. 

My time around diverse submissives, and humans in general (my own journey included) has shown me that fear is real for us. We scratch and claw to maintain some semblance of 'safety'. Even if it is the illusion of safety.

We all know fear does not serve us.

We know it does not bring to us the things we say with our lips we desire or need. 

Try as we might at times we will resist letting go of that fear we desperately wish to be free from.

This creates restriction. Friction in our connections. As a dominant seeking to push a submissive through their fear and into peace it can be incredibly challenging. We cannot MAKE you let go. We cannot structure you to death until you do. We cannot punish you until you do. Fear is real. Our hearts don't open simply because someone threatens to punish us if we don't. In fact, often that deepens the fear and our reaction to it.

I have learned this truth:

As dominants we get to set the example and let go.

Let go of the idea that unless it looks like ....... the submissive(s) in our care does not truly care or is not really submissive.

Let go of the idea that they must not be taking this seriously.

Let go of the idea that their 'being bratty' is obstinance.

Accept that fear must be navigated with love.

Grace.

Compassion.

Gentleness.

Amethyst has struggled with the idea that her resistance must mean she is a worthless submissive and a poor human being.

I want to express to all of you (dominants included) what I have personally had to discover for myself and imparted to Amethyst.

Resistance builds muscles. No one goes to the gym and doesn't also lift some sort of weights or resistance to tone or build muscle.

While we may wish the universe to come and just 'take away' our fear and bring us peace. The lessons we learn and the awareness we discover of ourselves through the process of our resistance would be lost. 

Which one of us can decide, because we want it, to not wrestle with fear? We cannot control what may trigger us, or cause us hesitation from a past harm.

If we cannot control it.....why shame ourselves for not being able to navigate it without resistance?

Example:

I have not liked submissives who would resist my guidance. In fact I absolutely have seen it as refusal to follow, and negligence to care or take seriously the structure which we negotiated. 

I felt as if I was being used. Manipulated. Gaslit. If I sought to enforce structure and they said they were unable to comply. And, it is fair that those who lashed out or were passive aggressive in their behavior in that space were being unhealthy.

But, if they were just honest and communicating thusly why did I feel attacked?

Because I did not have control over whether they were going to let go. When, or how that was going to look.

It made me feel unsafe.

Why?

Because I was trying to manage the FEAR of conflict or chaos that I would then have to navigate.

Was it honestly conflict or chaos?

No.

It was my fear that it would be that.

Amethyst has shown me by her example......she DESIRES to surrender. But may not know how to do so just yet around a given thing she struggles with. 

Does that have anything to do with me?

Not at all.

EXCEPT that I can support her. Allow her the process she needs. Remind her that resistance IS part of the process. She is allowed to take up space. She is allowed to get it wrong in her eyes. She is allowed to be a mess in her eyes. She is allowed to be afraid and STILL ask for me to love her.

Not one of us deserves to be loved less (most of all by ourselves) because we wrestle with fear.

Oh, it is honest that it is ok we ask of our partners to truly wrestle with that fear. To encourage our bravery. Or to call us out when they see us giving up, running, or hiding from that fear and allowing it to control or detonate us. 

We all have been burned before by opening our hearts. 

Expecting anyone to just magically open themselves fully with no resistance is unreasonable and honestly quite impossible.

If anyone thinks otherwise, I would encourage you to sit with the areas that you hide and are frightened to open up. Because those areas certainly exist. You may believe you are adept at hiding them or no one will recognize them.....I guarantee the universe will expose you and those fears......for your own growth..... ESPECIALLY in a dynamic connection.

So?

Resist!

Care for your heart enough to protect it from just giving it to anyone who asks! And do not be ashamed of doing so.

To those who have earned your respect, admiration, devotion, love and heart......

Show them you desire to let go and open up.....even if it is a struggle for you to do so. Ask them to partner with you and seek their comfort when you are scared and feel like retreating. It does not make you less than to be afraid.

No dominant worth their salt is afraid of your resistance. They expect to earn your heart. They advocate fiercely for your safety and well-being. So do not gaslight yourself into thinking submission means you drop every piece of you openly without fear at their feet from day one. And do not allow anyone else to convince you that is honest!

Do your best. For sure! And allow your dominant to hold your hand and show you they can hold your heart safe so you can let go.

No submissive worth their salt expects you to open your heart fully on day one. They will understand you wrestle with what you can and truly cannot control. They may struggle to follow you when you 'let go' of what you fear. My suspicion though is if they are healthy for you they will be empathetic because they know what it is like to struggle with the same.

Remember, this is a DYNAMIC. Fluid. Living. Changing. Moving. Shifting. Thing.

No one is perfect and has all the solutions. Not even the almighty, all-knowing, all-powerful dominant.

We all have the same affliction of being human.

And that is magical and beautiful!!!

I hope you find focus,

comfort, and peace in your journey today.

Namaste

Drago and Amethyst

11/5/2023

5/21/2020

As I have talked with other dominants I've found several recurring themes.

One, as of late, sticks out because it resonates with a part of where I have been and wrestle with.

Personal failure.

I have made horrible choices in my past. Rest assured, I will make mistakes again in my future. I won't get it right. No matter how desperately I try not to. I am human.

Those voices that scream at us of our weaknesses. Our damage. Our failures. Can be all consuming at times.

Things we wish we wouldn't have said in our anger.

Decisions made to 'make us feel better' when we were deeply hurting.

Going against our own moral code of values because we were scared.

Pain we have felt and simply didn't know how to express except in a painful, hurtful way.

These things can haunt an individual when they're removed from the situation. Hindsight is always clearer. I have questioned what kind of man I am if I can do such things? Who would trust me? I have barely trusted myself because of such spaces and decisions.

And then there is grace. Forgiveness. Mercy. Self-love. Surrender.

I suppose one would think a dominant would have little to do with such things. It's not incredibly macho to struggle. A REAL dominant doesn't falter (such an arrogant lie). We are seen even in the community as stalwarts of confidence, stability, and cohesiveness.

But how else would a dominant even aquire such noble traits if it weren't for their ability to navigate such failures?

And THERE is the key!

It isn't that as dominants we don't struggle. Or we haven't or won't fail. It's that when we do, we learn to better ourselves and rise above them.

It's not that we don't have voices screaming in our heads, "You're such a f**k up!!!" It's that even though we do we learn to use that to fuel us to be more.

That is the secret. How can we ever lead or guide an s type through their myriad of self-worth struggles if we don't understand the struggle? I often feel as if the best dominants are those that have been through hell and back. Those who have had to learn such horrible lesson's because they need to be that strong.

I used to look at my journey as one of self-detonation. Whatever I could mess up I would. Not intentionally, but out of my pain. Out of my fears. Out of my own insecurities. Because all I saw was someone who was too much or not enough.

What I have discovered is that those moments, while horribly painful and haunting even, have made me see myself. I've been afforded the space to reflect on why I found myself in such pain. The choices I made in those moments. The why. The triggers I have held. How my past, my fears, my insecurities have had a hold of me and controlled me. I have been allowed to witness myself. See myself in the mirror and weep. Sob because I was being controlled from past pains that owned me. Lied to by ego so I would stay captive to the mechanisms born from my fear. I have resented seeing these pieces of myself. I have run screaming from them. I have hid from them. Built walls around myself to stop myself from remembering my failures. Built stories around how it isn't truly my fault because others pressed those triggers. I have seen myself in all my ugly, authentic, honesty.

You know what?

I am grateful.

I have been given the opportunity to witness my failures through the honest lens of how it has damaged and controlled me. How in that I have damaged everything and everyone around me because I wasn't accepting the truth.

What truth?

I'm imperfect. And that's perfectly fine.

It isn't that we fail that matters, it's what we do with it that does.

As dominants if we don't see our own mechanisms and then also see the opportunity to not allow their control any longer we are not dominating much.

Strength is born from character.

Character births integrity.

Integrity births stability.

Stability births confidence.

Confidence births peace.

True inner peace. Knowing who you are. Where you have been and what you have been through, even at our own hands, to arrive here to this moment. And that we are in control by understanding honestly who we are long before anyone else can define who we are by our actions.

Many will look and say, "You've failed me!" And will hold onto that pain. Years and years later they still hold onto it. As a dominant discovering that their pain is not your truth, even though it was wrought with your hands in the past, you don't need to own that. Not anymore. You're not the same person. You aren't there any longer.

When your past reaches up to grab you and say, "Remember when?" You can honestly answer, "Yes I know today why, and I am NOT that individual any longer. You no longer have control, I do." THAT is control. Dominance of one's self.

An s type can trust a dominant that has been through the fire and come through the other side. They aren't so much concerned with how charred you are, the scars you wear, so long as you understand where your freedom lies from the journey. Because they have their own fires waiting for them, and they need to know you understand how to encourage them as they walk through them.

My observation is this........

Any truly positive dominant worthy of submission within a d/s or m/s dynamic is one who isn't afraid to show you who they are. Faults and all. Past and all.

Because they know that if you're going to judge them or hold them to their past mistakes then you're not a forgiving soul. You're not someone they want or need in their life. Because let's face it, we ALL have things we would rather keep buried and never let others see. Hell, many times even we want to run from ourselves and those pieces we would rather not remember. If we cannot overcome by facing those pieces. If we cannot apply grace to ourselves. We will never be able to love another honestly. We don't know what love looks like until we face our own demons in the mirror and say, "I refuse to accept your control over me any longer!"

The journey of risking ourselves is frought with amazing challenges from our past. The victory is self-awareness and peace.

A dominant that has walked that path and turned their failures into their strengths knows how to receive submission honestly. They know the inner struggle to surrender to deep, dark honesty and turn it into contentment. They know how to lead an s type through the fire.

Because you can't burn someone who has been charred and knows their way through the fire because they have a map.

I pray this writing finds you resting in your peace and focus today.

Namaste

Drago and Amethyst

8/23/2023

I found myself in the same frame of mind I often had......

Angry.

In the past I blamed those around me who disregarded me, as I saw it. But the truth was I was silent and didn't speak up. I did not want the rejection I received so often. So I held my tongue. Better to navigate my own dissatisfaction than to give a voice, once again, to my needs going unmet and just ending up in an argument for 6 hours where what I felt was ignored still. The focus would shift to how my need made them feel.

And I would go unmet.

Unheard.

Ignored.

Not important enough to have my needs respected.

And I want to be very clear.....that is MY fault. I kept silent. Or I did not stand up and say, "No More. If this is where you are I respect it, we are not a good fit." 

It is my responsibility to enforce what I need. It's not on another to guess, or divine what, when, or even how I desire my needs to be met.

Yes, it is honest that it is others who, when they heard my needs, did not want to meet them. Which, to be fair, is their right. No one is obligated to meet our needs. We want others to.....sure. Especially in our relationships and dynamics. But others, for a myriad of reasons may not desire to, or may even be unable to.

And yes, that does not give others the right to gaslight us into believing we should be ashamed for what we need. Or try to guilt us into holding their wound of feeling like not enough because they may not be able to meet our need. It is human though. We are all not perfect.

So, I would sit in my anger. Repeating the cycle in my head of, "What should I do?" And, "Should I do anything?"

Then a partner would throw me a scrap......a small piece of my need being met. And my anger would subside. 

"Maybe they are going to meet my needs after all!" I would try to convince myself. All the while seeing they just manipulated me so they could keep my attention focused on them. Doing just enough to quiet my anger, but not enough to actually care.

And this is where I found myself over the last couple of days.

Struggling to admit to myself that some of the patterns Amethyst showed 'felt' like the past. I had given voice repeatedly over the last several years to my need with Amethyst. It would be received, paid attention to for a very short time. Then dropped again.

Is this my fault?

Honestly, I do not look at it as a blame issue. I see it as a human one.

On my end I fell back into not enforcing it..... better to suffer in silence than to wage war openly.

And she simply is scared. Scared to give herself over even further to me. Her fear wracking her with immobilized choices.

As it will, the need never disappears. We are given the choice to navigate it or we choose to accept we cannot. That the moment is too big. Too scary. Too daunting and we recoil into hiding and run away from it, and ultimately our connection. Because it will not survive a falsehood. A lie. An intentional disregard. It will crumble. And we have built honesty into every corner.....even when it is challenging, we take a step bravely towards our fear.

I discovered my anger was NOT at her. It was at myself. For not being brave enough to stand up and say, "This matters and I will not back down from it."

Angry that I would rather hurt myself and live in a relationship where I suffered because it is what I have. Rather than trust my partner to actually hear me and care.

Yes, it has been very real that I thought, "This might be the thing that pushes her away. She might not be able to meet me and we will no longer be together." And I wrestled with that reality. Honestly on all fronts, this connection has been the best, most transformative, healthiest dynamic I have ever navigated. It would be a shame and tragedy if I were to lose it. No small part of me considered keeping my mouth shut to hold onto what we have.

At what cost though?

Sincerely, should she even follow me as her leader if I continued to ignore the truth? 

If I cannot stand up and show her how to lean into these uncomfortable spaces by example it is a hard sell to ask her to do so.

It would not be fair of me to sit and endure the anger directed at myself. It would not be surprising either if down the road that anger turned to bitterness towards her. Justified or not (I do not believe it would be) I can imagine myself feeling such towards her. The thought of that breaks my heart!

So, I looked at my anger......the frustration of inaction and feelings of inadequacy. My apparent apathy at my needs versus the comfort of others. The people pleasing tendrils that have woven their way into so many parts of my life.

I will be honest and say at first I was scared. Scared to look at what was. Scared to admit that my partner was not hearing me. Scared to accept maybe she could or would not.

Then, my anger increased.

How could someone who says they care for me not care about my needs!!!!

It was then I realized how heavily misplaced my anger had become. I was projecting onto her what others had repeated. Moreover, I was projecting onto her my unwillingness to fervently stand up for myself. I saw it because at the same time I knew my heart loves her, beyond that, I can FEEL her heart loving me. That anger? It is not about her at all.

Oh, I have disappointment. Hurt maybe. Nothing, however, that would stop me from reaching out to trust her with how I felt. Letting the anger be where it was meant to be.....released. It was not hers. And I really deserved to cut myself some slack and extend grace so I could release that anger. I had determined, regardless of the outcome, I was going to discuss with Amethyst the necessity of my needs and my unwillingness to accept less than her acceptance and pursuit of fulfillment or her open refusal of my needs. Upon acceptance of this I was able to quit judging myself as not facing it.

Then it took me several days to sit with how to approach the conversation. Because I knew I still felt some-kinda-way about not being heard. It was important to me to be calm, level-headed, matter-of-fact in what is honest. But also patient, compassionate, and gracious.....to Amethyst AND myself. Finding that balance is not so easy when you feel hurt or angry. When stepping into the conversation could easily bring up some of those past emotions.

I focused on what was honest......I felt unheard. It was just that though......a feeling. That does not mean it was honest. Right or wrong. Just that I had felt that way. I took an objective lens of it and expressed it as a witness to a crime. Not as an attack or a forceful indictment of what she did. My feelings are mine, I am responsible for how I navigate them. And NO ONE can make me feel anything. So I chose to be honest about my hurt and anger, from a lens looking back or above the feeling.

Amethyst would not hear me if I placed on her my feelings. The feelings were not the point of the conversation anyway. The needs were. Focusing on the feelings would just distract from what was necessary......ensuring we both understood my emotional needs mattered and are not going to be ignored any further.

That's it.

Sounds simple doesn't it?

Of course it is not, because she felt some sort of way about what I had to express of course!! As she should!!! She is human after all!!

She felt like a failure.

Selfish. Which pressed on an old wound.

To her absolute credit while she expressed her feelings, she took a step back and said, "That's not what this is about. I will navigate those feelings in a different moment. It matters that we discuss where you are and what we can do moving forward. Once that is resolved we can hold space for how all of this raises feelings within me. Until then I will hold space for my own feelings and hear you." 

That floored me to be honest. Any remnant of hurt or anger I had melted away. She truly cared. She was not trying to hijack the moment with how she felt. She honored herself and me simultaneously.

We had a very crunchy conversation. One filled with compassion for one another. Understanding. We listened as the other expressed their fears and hurt. We comforted and reassured one another with the honesty that neither of us wanted out of our connection. This was just a moment to grow and learn. Painfully maybe, but grow all the same. 

We determined to move forward. We are still sitting with what that moving forward will look like between us. We know only that we are going to do so together. Even if it is uncomfortable and foreign.

While no one usually wants conflict for the sake of drama. Many of us are adverse to conflict and avoid it like the plague! Sometimes our fear of it is only a fear of facing pieces of ourselves. Unwilling to look at the friction of how we judge ourselves. Or place unbearable expectations upon ourselves. Sometimes, the conflict exists because we are meant to see the misalignment and the adversarial position we take within us points to the truth of our need for a realignment. 

Sometimes, conflict is necessary.

We get to go to war with those pieces inside that attempt to make us small or less than with those around us.

We get to be gentle, kind, compassionate towards ourselves rather than combative when it comes to how we view ourselves and our fears. To look honestly and release judgement so we do not take our pain and lash out from it to those who never really deserved it in the first place. 

We get to honor ourselves with the victory of a bravery taken to honor our voices.....even if the outcome is less than ideal. It matters that we do not gaslight ourselves, or marginalize those things that matter to us in honesty. It is important that we celebrate being aware of ourselves. 

I hope today you find your peace.

Namaste

Drago and Amethyst 

8/22/2023

As I have grown in age, so have I grown in wisdom.

The cruelty I have seen at the hands of others, as well as the evil my own hands have created has impacted my soul in a very visceral way.

I used to run fiercely away from anything that resembled conflict, turmoil, or drama. Though, curiously at the time, I always seemed to find myself embroiled in each. Especially since all I have ever sought was a deep abiding inner peace that I KNEW existed because I had experienced it. Yet, it seemed, every interaction I had upon finding that peace only served to pull me away from it. 

Today, I see the point of those experiences, while varied, was to teach me how to reside in that peace and not move from it. To not allow others to dissuade or convince me what they offered was richer than my own center and focus.

Someone I consider a friend wrote a blog about the price of this type of freedom. The type that comes at the end of a long journey filled with scars, bruises, lumps, and well intentions. The kind of freedom found when the hopes we have bound up in our youth or in others has been betrayed by age and reality.

A freedom that truly finds comfort in the peace of ones soul. Where you see yourself as you truly are, with all the lumps and well meaning choices gone awry. And you can breathe......a deep sigh of peace with ones self.

And it is not without regret.

Or shame in moments.

Or guilt for decisions made in ignorance or fear.

Because those are a part of the journey. We do not get to summarily discount them, lest we lose the lessons therein.

It also, does not shift the pain from creeping into moments of that peace.

For ME, I see that as necessary. Peace is found through the war that has been hard fought. Not inspite of it, rather, often, because of that war we find the value in peace robust and satisfying.

As a Sadist I have this unique lens of accepting pain as inevitable. Life simply is going to bring it to you. Age is a fact no one can deny. If you are blessed you will see a rich golden age of seniority. But it will not feel as such a blessing at times. The decay of your physical form will be an ever increasing piece to navigate. Let alone the years of loss, heartbreak, victories no longer present, regrets unable to be remedied.

In my lens, still a price for our peace.

A pain filled scene emulates this truth.

Consider it from the bottoms perspective.....

Bound

Immobilized

Under control

Unable to do anything except receive what another chooses to bring our way. 

It could be pain.

It could be pleasure.

When the first blow strikes it knocks the wind out of you. After a time you get into a rhythm with it and find a space to simply accept and lean into it. And the more you mentally resist, the worse that experience is. When we are able to receive it as the lesson to our peace (subspace) however, it becomes magical.

I often think submissives are more emotional masochists than they realize!

The reward for surrender is peace.

Turning off the brain and just allowing what is, to be.

THIS is why I believe dominants MUST understand how to surrender to what they cannot control in life. Otherwise, we would woefully lack the information on how to support a submissive trying desperately to find their center. Their focus. Their purpose. Their peace.

So, I agree with my friend.

Freedom comes at a high cost. When we have battled the demons and found a stalemate.

That is also just the beginning.

The initial salvo. 

The beginning blow. 

How we continually chose to navigate that battle determines our relationship with ourselves, others, and the peace or lack thereof we find.

Because there is hope. Not in external forces to liberate us. But in a future no longer robbed of peace as we now actually find we have a choice we hither to did not.

The informed choice to choose......

I hope you find

your peace today.

Namaste

Drago and Amethyst