The Culture that has been here all the time

Hey all,

Do you believe it is possible to forget how to make love if one abstains for a very long time?

It may be a while before I have that opportunity.

Hello,

I am back in the old life as my new life wakes me up early. My primary function is to be a caregiver and run our home. I feed the family (wife, me, and pets), keep everyone warm or cool, and keep them dry. I also do yard work, laundry, cleaning, and, most of all, pay the bills. It isn't fun, but it is rewarding to see things return to a coherent and predictable pattern.

The mole I had removed on Monday was benign (negative for cancer cells). But I suppose having a dermatologist now for annual check-ups is a good thing as I get older. There are more doctors to see than family or friends.

Caregiving leaves little time for a garden, but I have some plants scattered about. (tomatoes, green pepper, and flowers). I erected a fence around part of the backyard so the dogs can get out, and I need not leave my wife alone.

She will sit with me in the afternoon when I put on an old movie to take a break. She is in bed before 8 p.m., and I try to get to watch a British TV program or two before I turn in by 10 p.m. I have herbal tea, a small Potpourri of mugwort, and some melatonin to encourage dreams.

Having sex, let alone kinky things, is perhaps for another time. I suppose I will blog when I think of something to write about (most posts are quicker, and I can squeeze them into a day). JIm

Hello Aquaintences,

Some people keep telling me I have friends, but I know I do not.  My only choice is going it alone (as my wife is barely what she once was). I have an active mind and a living libido, but I now understand that some people, like true Monks and Hermits, have learned how to cope with isolation and the lack of intimacy. I can, too. I shall understand what I, need, to achieve peace in my solo adventure called existence.

Hello Friends,

Many of you probably wonder about my sanity. My emotional state tosses me between being a 24/7 caregiver without respite for years and being governed by loneliness and melancholy. There are two behaviors I recognize as forms of escape and addictions. I have been winning the war with alcohol now for more than a decade and the conflict with smoking cigarettes for four decades, But I still recognize I am susceptible to compulsive addictive behavior. What are they who have run with me and disguised themselves so well these days? Online texting and giving strangers money to encourage them to continue to text me and help dispel my loneliness. Yes, loneliness and missing a sexual partner collaborated to keep me distracted from myself and my finances.

There are many addictions people struggle with, and most cause harm in a period of abuse. But these addictions harmed me immediately, and I fooled myself into believing it was for my good to keep doing it. I want to claim I learned my lesson now and will take steps to make the necessary change. Yes, that is my intention: break the bad habits and realize I no longer can afford to throw money out to achieve the negative result rather than the necessary positive outcome I genuinely need.

First, I need to stop wasting time texting, which leads to more texting, and second, I need to gain control over my now battered financial perspective.

I will continue to care for my wife and myself and restrict my spending to what is related only to those goals. Jim

Friends, I believe I need most to go to a mountain peak and spend time with a wise guru. I have so much to learn.

Yes, Friends, I send out mixed messages,

I don't want to be a Dom, a Switch, or a sub. I want to play it safe for a while and be very neutral. But there is one thing I discovered that is new about myself: I have developed a fetish for women with certain-looking eyebrows.

I never noticed them until I met a woman last year with extremely beautiful eyebrows. Maybe this is because my wife, a purely natural blonde, plucked the blonde eyebrows clean and used an eyebrow pencil to draw fake brows in.

This late in life I still learn and I am still a work in progress (LOL) Jim

Yes, Friends,

When my wife passes, I have decided that I will remain a solo man widower. Googled this:

People may choose to spend time alone for a variety of reasons, including:
Introversion
Introverts may be energized by quiet and prefer solitude over being around others. They may also find group brainstorming distracting and prefer to develop ideas alone.
Overstimulation
Some people may feel overstimulated when around others and prefer to be alone.
Creativity
Alone time can allow the mind to wander and strengthen creativity. Research suggests that being alone can lead to changes in the brain that help fuel the creative process.
Personal development
Alone time can be critical for growth and personal development. It can allow people to focus on themselves, reflect, and identify areas for improvement.
Stress reduction
Spending more time alone has been linked with increased feelings of reduced stress.
Fear of disappointment
Like other social connections, friendship comes with expectations and a need for give-and-take, which can lead to disappointment.
Trauma response
Spending more time alone may be a subtle symptom of trauma if someone believes others don't understand them or that they will struggle to connect.  

I underlined the ones most applicable to me.

I am not a Dom and do not seek a sub. Probably never will.

Jim

Hello Friends,

It has taken a year and a half and a slew of mistakes for me to "get it": Being the primary caregiver for my wife with her cognitive issues and no clear prognosis means I should not worry about the lack of a social life. I can not go out on a date; I cannot truly afford it, and it isn't right to ask a woman to enter into even the most casual relationship with me.

Having to hire an aide on occasion for an appointment I may have is costly enough without adding the expense of a social outing, too.

I just took the dogs out and managed to unrole the wire fence I am installing so I can let them out without leaving my wife for but a few moments and the day was balmy and pleasant. I will miss the walking (I need it too), but responsibility trumps that.

Many of you applaud my honesty: I am sad.

My wife requires a little more supervision now, so I must be content with some time for a blog and enjoy one or two British television programs at the end of each day. I also enjoy ancient movies, especially horror/science fiction. I did like Longmire, but I let Netflix go as it was not worth keeping it for one program.

Family estrangement has eased a tad, but a visit to cheer my wife is all I expect on occasion.

In the lessons concerning family and friends distancing themselves from a person with Alzheimer's/Dementia/Aphashia, I now understand this: 1. it is most likely challenging for them to see the apparent decline; 2. they might want to help me but do not know how and in that situation become frustrated. My experience with share groups revealed the behavior is expected and prevalent. Some family members are in denial.

Yes, it is a new day. I will see what it will bring. Jim

Friend, we are now waiting to see what the biopsy reveals. I hope it isn't cancerous because they will have to cut deeper into my arm, and I don't know what else the implications would be. 

My wife welcomed an old hired aide, and they had a good time while I was at the doctor's.

I just remembered I need to check in with a VA doctor about a situation concerning meds. 

Yep, 76 means I have more doctors than friends or relatives to interact with, but a hundred years ago, I probably would not have lived into my mid-seventies.

Now it is time to watch my favorite British television programs.

Hey Friends,

Many of you may have seen the Stop Smoking commercial where the guy tells us the biggest lie is the one we tell ourselves that smoking will not harm us. Self-deception, in many ways, is a big problem for many people, and they probably are not aware of it.

What personality disorder is self-deception?
Pathological self-deception is important in addictive and personality disorders. However, it is also relevant in other psychopathological processes, such as factitious disorders [30] and alimentary disorders [31] (for example, an anorexic ignores their fear of public rejection).

Here is a list of common self deceptions and maybe a couple I recognize:

• Making excuses: For yourself or others
• Blaming others: Instead of taking responsibility
• Avoiding unpleasant realities: Or writing off counterevidence as irrelevant
• Feeling defensive: When challenged
• Being stuck: Or feeling unhappy, trapped, angry, or hopeless
• Being focused on your own perspective: Or resistant to other viewpoints
• Lacking desire to help others: Or feeling like you have to put up with them
• So test smoking is dangerous to your health and finances
• Yes drinking too much damages your body and probably your mind\

Having a problem with your sex partner may not be their fault it may be your fault.