The Culture that has been here all the time

Hello, my friends,

I wasn't planning to write today being it is Valentine's Day and my wife is unable to understand that but, then I realized I am not the only one in a situation like this: Others may not have a "Valintine" or a reason to celebrate Valentine's Day as well. 

My wife is seriously ill maybe another one of you share this situation. Maybe you were, maybe left alone or they shattered your heart? 

Why do we suffer from a broken heart? We give more to the other person than they are willing to give you. My wife was so rare a woman and a perfect Sub I did well by her but if I understood her better I would have done better for her. But, now I demonstrate my love sacrificially and somehow I think she knows. Still, I miss having her as a complete mate: Partner, affectionate comforter, and (most missed) my lover.

Some hope for the future though it is complicated by my actions when I was ill-prepared to truly understand the consequences of my actions. I am happy that I led myself into boxed canyons by thinking I was trusting a real potential companion only to be ambushed with disappointing results.

I fell taking my dogs out back and hurt my face bled everywhere as I went back into the house for ice (still gave the dogs their rewards). The pain to me was nothing compared to a betrayal by a love interest: It is like a literal knife in my chest.

I still have hope for that companion. I still have room in my heart to love someone (I never stop even when they hurt me). Nothing is going to stop me from caring for my wife. I know somewhere there is a lover who will love me like that and care for me like I care for my wife.

So it appears there is something to hope for this Valentine's Day.

Hello Friends,

With my wife in serious cognitive decline and not recognizing any holidays Valentine's Day is just another day. I no longer mess around with scammers to pretend to celebrate a Holiday of any kind.

I do have the memories that my wife and I shared for about 36 of the 39 years we have been together. And this is a good thing to have and to hold.

In the meantime for any of you who observe Valentine's Day, I wish you a good one. Warm and filled with love and affection.

Sincerely Andron

Hello all,

I made a friend who is considered an outcast in many cultures: "The gender nonconforming or third-gender, ceremonial roles traditionally embodied by some Native American and Indigenous peoples in Canada . . . ." Twin Spirits¹  Theopenness in me and acceptance of people who are different has its roots in my experience with the Counter Culture in the 1960s Related to the attitudes of Hippies² We embraced many people who were sincerely different not just there to capitalize on the business of the drug culture, acid rock, civil disobedience, antiwar, civil rights . . .

We had shops that we patronized of course. I collected teas from around the world. Dressed in Mod when it emerged and grew my hair and was beat up because I was so different.  But I demonstrated I could play football, and baseball, and be part of our High School Band too. But when a talent show came up I chose to sing songs by Bob Dylan and my gym teacher slammed me against a locker, "No one is going to like you freak," is what he said. Guess what? I received more than one standing ovation for Bob Dylan's, "Masters of War", "It's a Hard Rain that's Gonna Fall," and at least one of my original songs (My Love's Face).

So, so much has changed and yet so much has not.

¹

2

Yes, Friends,

My wife has Alzheimer's/Dementia/Aphasia but she shocked me a couple of days ago: She was crying in the kitchen doorway I went up to hug her and it seemed she remembered that we were married and said, "I love you." The fleeting moment did not last but it stirred within me a new sense of loss.

Sadness overwhelmed me because it is so rare for her to remember anything of our past.

Doctors tell me, "She will not recover."

And, so I continue to live with this worst-case scenario for more than 3 years now.

Hello Friends,

"Blood, Sweat and Tears" not the "Jazz Rock Group the idiom: Two years in Pennsylvania and a Year and a half in my 93-year-old home in the quaint Boyertown with mountains and farms close by (and a lot of nature) just what I need. Caregiving keeps me from taking mental health relaxing rides into the countryside. Whenever I bought a new house (new or old) I had to put BST into the transition. No difference here except my role as a caregiver takes priority so I am relegated to more of a hantyman. 

The house needs maintenance of course and some modifications to accommodate my wife with Alzheimer's. We share one common trait we are tough and refuse to yield to adversity. So my role as a housekeeper, pet minder, bookkeeper bill payer, and caregiver for my wife does require literally Blood Sweat, and Tears.

Yet, I can squeeze a little time to write songs and a blog, and, sometimes watch my favorite British television programs.

Yes I get frustrated, worn out, and flirt with anger, but my center of gravity is LOVE.

Hello Friends,

We all belong to a human entity of some form. In some cave in the distant past a family of humans had ways to identify friend or foe and that is the essence of having an identity within a group.

It was the 1960s and as a teenager, I was enthralled by the notion of "non-conformity". It was a myth. When I ran away to Greenwich Village and lived among all the free spirits, artists, music people, and "non-conformists", I quickly realized if I was to belong to a part of one of these subcultures I would need to conform to the implicit rules, language, dress, and attitude. Wow, what an eye-opener.

So this was my progression: Folk Singer-Songwriter inspired by the contemporaries BobDylan, Pete Seeger . . . et al. Folk Rock Band Leader. Activists: Civil Rights Anti War. Then! I was instructed to sing a certain song and burn my draft card. I decided not to because one of my surrogate fathers was a Siver Star Winner in WWII. All the well-known celebrities I knew said, "Go back to school". I did, the Vietnam Conflict was still raging a friend from High School was killed in action. I had more mind power than Braun so I enlisted to the amazement of all my friends and it all worked out well. I was a model soldier, served four years and here I am.

I then in 1972 I conformed to regular society married twice worked a good job(s) was educated and when things went bad was led to the Lord by my wife (whom I take care of). Conformed to the religious right until they failed to help my wife who had been a diligent Christian for more than forty years.

Full circle. I am closer to being a nonconformist than I was in the 1960s. 

 Hello Friends,

Many of you who know me or follow my blog know that my wife of 39 years in a monogamous relationship is stricken with Alzheimer's/Dementia/Aphasia and I have been her only caregiver. I moved to PA then Boyertown because family encouraged me telling me they would help us. That did not happen so I have been a stranger in a strange land without more than a token amount of social contact.

During the last year, I searched for a companion woman to be a friend with benefits to help me get through the challenges I face. All I got was many false hopes and scammed for several thousands of dollars. However, I serendipitously became involved with BDSM in particular M/S and this has opened my mind to possibilities I would not have considered in the past: 1) Because I will continue to care for my wife and not divorce her I now declared we have an open relationship and 2) I now want to have polyamorous relationships for 2 reasons: A) I want a lover or lovers to not be tied to me and my situation and B) Under my current life constraints I am not free to seek a woman who would best be a compatible match; Not in the usual way I had before dating.

What will I do? What do I expect? I have only a vague notion at this time. The biggest hindrance is dating sites with so much ambiguity and pretenses. The next concern? How to detect a scammer before they pluck my heartstrings and surprise me with their trap?

I am off into the unknown.  MY BEST BUDDIE SONNY

She comes closer and stares into my eyes. I feel she can see into my soul. Without words, she arouses me and I feel warmth all over my body. She inches closer I can feel her sweet breath on my face and I seem to peer into her inner being looking into her eyes. I put my arms around her and she hugs me. our noses touch then ever so lightly our lips. Then our tongues play a game of cat and mouse for a time until we share one breath we fall to the floor. Twisting and turning as if our bodies are melding into one new being. We roll around with great passion it surrounds us everything around us disappears; we are only aware of each other and then we both heave with the spasms of synchronized orgasms. 

We fall limp and lay there aware there has been music playing all the while. A flickering candle with a sweet scent. we fall in and out of sleep in each other's arms. Then we wake  . . . . 

She comes closer and stares into my eyes. I feel she can see my soul. Without words . . . . .

One day I was exploring the desert in the spring somewhere in south-central New Mexico. The sun rose and took on an evil grin. I could feel the searing heat right through my bush hat. I knew better than to loosen my clothing and lose valuable moisture that was keeping my body stable. I passed several rattlesnakes but they glanced at me and went on their way. It seemed every stone had a face on with a sinister smile. They seem to say you wanted this pal now you got it. All that day similar things happened and I was worried that I was hallucinating: seeing people all around, hearing voices some laughing, some chanting in a language I did not understand. I saw many women holding their hands out as I passed palms up shaking their heads and grinning.  They then started to hit me with sticks or slap me while some nearby men kept yelling, "Leave the man alone."This went on and my canteen was empty but as I came over a rise I spied a dense pocket of trees I moved closer and I could see a pool of water. When I arrived there, there was a beautiful young woman who helped me remove my backpack, wiped my face with cool water without speaking. As she fetched some water from the pool with a pitcher for me she was humming a wonderful melody. Her voice relaxed me and as the sun was setting I sat down and leaned against a large rock. As I was falling asleep she kissed me and I kept asking her, "What is your name?" She never told me. I have been searching for her for many years and have not yet found her.

The secretions of chemicals that are associated with two people in love are caused by a complex interplay of hormones, pheromones, and other biological factors that are not entirely understood. (I love it a mystery still)

I can feel the excitement in the presence of a woman whom I am attracted to. It can start with a distant glance and if we get closer my heart beats faster and my breathing gets deeper. If we talk I have to be careful to keep my composure and not fumble with my words or if I bring her a cup of coffee shake spill it. Heighten my guard so I don't act foolish. If we brush against each other it freezes me for a second. If we kiss even a simple hello kiss is like an electric shock. Even looking into her eyes at the right moment can jar my whole body.

Love at first sight? I don't know. Lust? I don't know. Yes, that thing we call chemistry that even science can not fully explain. I love it.