Under The Whip

I have no idea where the days went. I thought they were going to be long, lonely, and hard. yet here we are. Ten days later and its already Halloween. 

So it is noon right now in my area, and my Master leaves for the airport in two hours. His flight will be in early evening and I will be there, eager and happy to be back in his arms. 

Yesterday was a great day filled with conversations with close friends talking about BDSM topics and today I get to be with my Master Calvin. two GREAT days in a row. I am truly blesssed. 

I hope everyone stays safe today if you are going out to celebrate, or be with family and your kids to go trick or treating. I will be home, snuggled up, horror films and dinner with both of my Masters. 

I always try to be mindful and understanding when it comes to my Dominants. I say TRY because there are moments where I am so down in the dumps that it doesnt always happen. During these times I tend to lose myself and forget that just because I dont see something, doesnt mean it isnt happening.

I am certain I am not the only one guilty of doing this.

I bring this up because yesterday I was talking with a new Dom friend that joined our discord server. She runs classes on Zoom for Disabled and Kinky people. Anyways she asked me how does my relationship/dynamic work with me serving two Masters. She asked me if we ever get jealous and what not.

YES. Yes we do. We are human. There are moments that we are jealous. Moments we feel inadequate. Moments when we feel that we are never enough, or that our partner values time with the other over us.

I will admit at first it was ROUGH.

There was a lot of fights at first. Damon and I are hot tempered. We both came from families that did not know how to communicate. So a ton of arguments ensued. Calvin actually got us to calm down and learn to communicate better. On top of that Damon had always been in Poly relationships. This is my first experience. I was navigating uncharted waters. So was Calvin. I have moments of feeling guilty for being with another partner instead of Damon. I had moments of feeling not good enough for either one because I was jealous.

I can honestly say that three years later we are in a great place. We communicate our feelings. When we feel insecure about the relationship we now voice those insecurities and we obtain reassurance from each other. Is our dynamic and relationship perfect? No, of course not.

So this brings me to why I wanted to share all of this. I have moments when I feel like my Masters are not present. That I feel that I am left to my own devices. That they do not know what I am doing, where or when or how, but of course they do. I just cannot see them doing it.

This was brought back to my attention the other night. My Master Damon and I were laying in bed snuggling. Instead of watching a show before bed we just talked and shared a few tiktok videos. He made me cry. I promise in a good way.

So a little context I have an eating disorder called ARFID. Or Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder. People with ARFID are extremely selective eaters and sometimes have little interest in eating food. They may eat a limited variety of preferred foods, which can lead to poor growth and poor nutrition.

When I tell you that I never think about eating it is an understatement. It is why one of my rules by my Masters is to make sure I eat at least three times a day. It is hard however becuase NOTHING sounds edible. Smells make me want to vomit. Textures that my brain doesnt like, nope going to vomit. Flavor if it tastes funny, vomit. Sometimes I have to close my eyes and just put it in my mouth chew it fast and swallow.

Take for instance Tacos. I used to LOVE tacos. In fact my ARFID made me love Tacos soooo much I had to have a taco every single day. Then we got a roommate who lived with us and he was heavily into spices. The hotter the better but he didnt have good hygeine so now, the smell of any sort of Taco spices make me want to vomit and it triggers me to the times he would walk by me.

I dont mean to come off mean but that is what happens to me.

So now my Masters have to give me a coping stuffy sprayed in their cologne or other calming scent whenever they cook with Cumin, Garlic, Onions, or any other spices with Peppers.

So now you have a bit of contezt and I am willing to talk more about my eating disorder if people want to know more about it through my DMs.

Anyways back to the main point. As I was talking with my Master Damon and sharing TikToks and earlier that night I was upset. We were having issues finding me something to eat for dinner. Becuase once again,, ARFID, and I feel like a burden because I know they get frustrated. My entire faimly gets frustrated and its not because I am a burden, despite me feeling that way, I know it stems from them feeling helpless to help me.

but my Master Damon made me cry. He showed me some videos on TikTok of a teenage boy who suffers from ARFID. He was sharing tips and tricks that he and his mother use to help him. He showed me that he had all these videos saved. We watched them and I just wanted to curl into his arms bury my face into his chest and just cry.

In my insecurities I coastally feel that my Master Damon doesnt desire me, or want me, or I am never enough for him. I never feel like I am on his mind even though he is texting me all the time at work. I know alot of this stems from my childhood trauma that I am working on.

but I cried so hard because in the background. When I am feeling these things, he can just open up TikTok so easily and reveal that I dont see him thinking about me, but I am on his mind. That something like my eating disorder is something that is on his mind, that he is trying to find a solution to make it better for me.

That he is trying to turn eating into something I can enjoy again, something that doesnt make me sit here crying at every meal because I cannot fathom eating, and I cannot change the fact that I throw up most of what I do eat.

I am NOT bulimic. The vomiting is involuntary. It is just my body.

Anyways I am even crying writing this. It is something I dont always share with people who arent super close to me and do not understand, but I felt brave today. I felt submissive and loving today.

I feel deep and great appreciation for my Master Damon because he always finds a way to humble me without even trying. To remind me that I am his. That I am on his mind. That he loves and cherishes me. That he desire my happiness just as much as his own.

That he cares for me deeply to suffer thousands of videos and articles because he doesn't want me to suffer.

So just remember when you feel like your Dominant is not paying attention to you. That maybe you just arent fully seeing the big picture. That maybe when you think they are absent mindedly playing on their phones they are actually researching ways to benefit you.

Just do me a favor. Reach out to your partners today and just give them a big hug and let them know that everything they do for you. You appreciate and love them for.

I love you my Masters. For everything I know you do, and especially for everything I cannot see that you do for me.

I dont know what peoples problems are. When you message someone and want to get to know them off of fetlife and they inform you of the other platforms they use. If you arenet willing to obtain the platforms they use then you have no right to be pissed off that they dont choose to use the ones you use.

Dont come into my DMs and be upset I only use Discord. All because I refuse to use Snapchat or KiK. Sorry but those to me are apps for cheaters. I aint about that life.

Dont want to use Discord thats fine, but take your bullshit attitude somewhere else.

So I was listening to an old video by Rope Aficionado. I will be attending his up coming discussion/class: Truth and Torment: Consensual Interrogation with SirGuy

I am huge into mind fucking games.

Anyways he was interviewing someone in his video and one thing they were discussing and talking about were rules for his slave girl and why one in particular applies. It is a rule I pretty much have as well. So it fascinated me.

During my years in this lifestyle I have come across so many men who lack respect and decency for other Dominants. One of them for a long time had been my friend until I saw his true colors. Recently I had one Dom say, I refuse to talk to other Doms I only talk to submissives. Gross!!!

So the Dom in this video was saying when he is at a convention or a local Dungeon or play party he has rules for his submissive. Like no talking to Doms without permission. No giving out hugs to people without permission.

His Sub, HIS Rules.

Anyways one time he was confronted by someone asking him why he does this? Was he insecure? He came back and said No. He is not insecure. It has nothing to do with that. He said it has everything to do with being included with his relationship and submissive dynamic. He said it also reinforces his authority and power exchange with his submissive.

I have rules like this for the most part. I am allowed to message other Dominants. They are permitted to contact and talk to me. I have complete transparency with my Dominants. The moment someone messages me, I tell my Masters. Dom or sub I get excited and go, my Master so and so is messaging me.

My rule starts when they want to add me or move conversation to discord. Which is the main chatting platform I use due to its accessibility for my blindness.

You would NOT believe how many times I hear that my rules are bullshit. That I am my own person and I should be able to talk to and add whoever I want whenever I want. Now granted if I cared to do relationships the way these new generations do, I would likely agree, however I dont. I dont have five guys in my back pocket of DMs stringing them along just in case my current relationship doesnt go the way I want.

Relationships take work, and I am here for a real connection and dedication.

My submission is NOT a joke. It is NOT a game for me. It is not something I just put on in the bedroom to get my kinky orgasms. It is my life. I am submissive by nature. I am passionate about my loyal and loving servitude.

So not many people know about the rule that I have and where I got it from. It was NOT demanded of me by my Dominants. It was not of their own creation.

When we negotiated our contract and rules and expectations etc. I Begged them to implement this rule and enforce it. They have NEVER told me who I could and could not be friends with unless that person is abusive or emotionally harmful. Even so this was something I wanted and anyone arguing over this rule takes away my consent and my agency.

and for what? So you can send me a dick pic?

I even asked one of my Masters, why he actually likes having this rule in place and without missing a beat he said because it makes him feel as though he as more control over me and it affords him the opportunity to protect me.

I love these two men of mine so fucking much!!!

So we as submissives never really fully understand why our Doms do anything. We can ask them and sometimes they might answer but not always. Sometimes we get that, Because I said so. Which if you are like me....fucking sucks but Meh, they are the Dominants and we are their property.

Yummy word, Property.

So for me my rules are a form of respect. You dont have to become best friends with my Dominants,, even though i think you should. They are amazing fucking people and you are missing out. However you do have to accept and respect the rules they set forth for me.

You dont have to like my rules but you have to remember this is MY Dynamic with MY Dominants and I chose them, just as much as they chose me, and I am THEIR slave girl. They protect my heart, body, mind and soul.

They do not give me the rules they have given me because they are insecure. They gave them to me to control me. They gave them to me because I gave them my control. I begged them for structure, guidance, love and protection.

In return they trust me to be obedient, pleasing, and respectful.

I want my Masters included in my life, and in this dynamic with me. If that means you have to go an extra step to ask them to add me on Discord, then why is that so difficult? If you have to wait a day for me to have a discussion to ask them if its okay for me to add you, why is that so difficult?

Arent you a Dominant? Dont you understand the dynamic between a Dominant and a submissive? Wouldnt you expect your own submissive/slave to be obedient to you and follow your rules?

Then respect mine!!!

I dont want to write this but I am going to. I am hoping that once I write this it will help me feel better and to move on, and if I still cant then maybe people can offer me advice on how to get through it.

First let me add some context. I have a major issue on letting things go, or moving on from a situation. I dont understand or even know why my brain is like this. Things that have happened years ago still makes me super angry today and even if I dont think about it all the time, when I do, I am still as angry now as if it just happened.

Now I have suffered in the past as a child growing up severe child abuse and neglect. I have been working on healing that part of my life so I can be enough for just myself.

So the point of this post. I have been sitting in my anger. I know it will sound silly when I tell you why. One of my Masters had to fly to visit his mom for ten days. He has some personal matters to attend there during this time. I know, I know it is ridiculous. It is ONLY ten days and I should be grateful that he is returning because other relationships are completely online, or long distance.

I also know Anger is a mask for a different actual emotion.

The issue I am having is I dont know what emotion is being masked. I know he could have cut his trip down to not be so long. This is the Master who is my main caregiver for my disabilities. My other Master is gone four days out of the week for work. Though we will manage because this is a reoccuring trip that happens four times a year.

However tell that to my anger. Tell my anger to be rational. I have explained this to both of my Masters. They know I am angry. They understand it. My anger does NOT and never will get in the way of my service.

As my Master Damon has told me time and time again. I have every right to be angry but I can be angry from my knees in

service.
I have never been more humbled in my life then when my Master Damon has said that to me. It hits home.

So I am angry that he is not here right now. I am angry that he didnt cut his trip short. I am angry that I can snuggle him when I want to. Or give him little bunny bites on his wrist when I am being playful. I am angry that I miss him, and that I feel like I cant breathe when he is not near me.

So yesterday was hard. We dropped him off at the airport. I hate watching him walk away and head behind security where I cant see him anymore. I am always hoping one time he would just turn around and say he changed his mind. Even though I know I have to be selfless and let him go.

My Master Damon did wonders for me. he spent alot of time with me. We had tacos for lunch so I could have some comfort food. We listened to one of our audio books together on the ride home. Instead of having some big dinner that night we just ate cereal in bed and curled up together and watched a tv show.

Not going to lie that was the best coping and care Ive had in a long time since my Master Calvin, aka Mr Big has had to fly back to visit family. So I am extremely grateful.

Today is going well so far. My Master Calvin doesnt have much to do today so we can spend time together in Discord. My Master Damon is off work today so he is also with me and some of our friends in discord hanging out.

It has helped me alot. I just dont want to sit here anymore in anger mode. Fluffy Bunny with her claws and fangs out. I want to be humbled, and sweet, and kind and loving and affectionate.

Writing helps me. Keeping my mind off things helps me, if anyone else has any other ides on how to release this anger or ways they help move past anger. Especially when its not even rational anger, for the love of all things kinky, please help!!!

I am not going to lie when I say I think I have found a small kink community family today. Something I did not think was possible anymore.

I attending a Kinky and Disabled Inclusivity discussion zoom class today.

Let me just say that the kink community is vast but as I was sitting here listening to what people have endured and sharing my own experiences I have realized that my local community is not very disability friendly.

The local dungeon that we have in our area, is not wheel chair friendly. They arent deaf friendly and they certainly arent blind friendly. The room is always super dark, and being blind I cannot see at all in the day time so being in a room that is very dimly lit is basically no visibility for me.

I have gone there before I was blind so I know they mark the play spaces with tape but the tape doesnt have blind textures to indicate they are there. They arent reflective or neon colored to indicate where they are so navigating the place spaces safely is impossible for me.

The seating is minimal at best and if you dont get there early and set up before others you wont have a seat to sit on. Granted there is plenty of floor space to sit but for people like me with massive nerve damage in their leeg from a knee injury and a broken back injury sitting on a hard floor for a long period of time is impossible.

However this group gave me some inspiration for some great ideas to shoot over to the owner of the establishment and just offer my advice/suggestions. Lets face it I havent been back there due to the safety issues on top of lack of inclusion since I have become blind.

A lot of the people in the conversation are people who are just like me. Struggling with their disabilities, and navigating kink as best as they can. It was doms and submissives alike in this discussion. Wide ranges of disabilities around the globe and each person shared their experience and advice and suggestions on how to make kink even better.

I have never met an entire group of people that have instantly made me feel comfortable and at peace than I have today. They host discussions and classes every two weeks and I truly believe I will be attending all of them from here on out. It has motivated me to reach out to people. To step up even with my current disabilities and help our community. Possibly even volunteer now at events to assist with my doms of course other people with disabilities.

As an artist I can find other ways to spread awareness as well.

For the first time in a very very long time I feel whole again. I feel connected to other people and the feeling is intense and energizing. I am not ashamed for being disabled. I have been grieving for so many years since I became blind, feeling trapped in my body, in my mind. Not knowing what to do, where to go, who I can talk to or even where to go to find people like me in the kinky world.

For a day like today that was going to be super sad for me since one of my Dominants has to go out of town for ten days and I am struggling with being away from them. This discussion class has made the day so much better. I see many friends in my future and a family being formed with these people already.

Finding people who can relate and understand what I am going through is a need of mine. Finding friends is a massive need of mine and feeling as though I have found that has calmed the anxiety down alot.

I am excited, and hopeful for the future. Something I havent felt in a very long time.

If anyone else out there is disabled or in a relationship/dynamic with someone who is and you are terrified to attend a class or discussion group. By all means please reach out to my DMs. They are always open.

I have a morning routine/rituals that I do every single day, unless there is something like a doctor appointment or something we have to do that morning.

My day usually starts with me waking up. I get to take a bath first thing in the morning to help wake up and relax my body.

My Master and I eat breakfast together after that, and often we share funny videos with each other via tiktok or youtube, or things that we find interesting and get to have deeper conversations.

After that it is off to the bedroom. Where I am either put into Obeisance, or if my body is not able to do positions that day I am to sit there with my eyes down on the floor in high protocol.

My ritual is then read line by line to me and I echo my Master in reciprocation. We do this ritual because it puts me right into my submissive headspace. I got the idea from a video that I watched on youtube.

At first I was just listening to her video and affirmations alone for ten minutes to put myself into the submissive headspace but then during one of our weekly Dom talks, my Masters asked me if I would like them to take what she is saying, and sort of work around into their own variation?

So they took some of what she says in the video, they came up with a little bit of their own stuff and molded it all together and now I have something beautiful. What makes it even better is that my Masters also recorded it into a voice recording for me to do incase one of those mornings they are too tired, or arent available.

So after I repeat it then depending on what is going on that day, the appropriate collar is placed around my neck. I kiss the back of their hands and place them to my forehead and then after that I ask how I may serve them that day.

It is one of the best parts of my morning to do this. I need structure and daily routines and when my routine is interrupted or changed it sort of ruins my day a bit. What can I say I am a creature of habit.

I love being able to find things online, whether in videos, podcasts, blogs, etc..and being able to take what they are doing and create a version for ourselves.

So thank you to all the people willing to share their journeys, ideas, thoughts, opinions, and advice. Believe me you arent falling on deaf ears.

To serve his every need and desire.
Fuels my deepest submissive fire.
To burn with passion so devotedly
Humbly on my knees with loyalty

His dominant gaze and proud smile
Makes pleasing him worth the while.
Through his trials I will not cave
For in his arms I have been saved.

As the waves crash upon the shore
With his love I will forever soar
Following him is a must
In perfect love and perfect trust.

I am attending a Disabled and Kinky class on Sunday and I could not be more excited. My Doms are both going to attend it as well. I think it is important because honestly there really is not a ton of information out there, or hell even creative ways to Kink with people who have disabilities.

It has been really difficult being blind, I cannot do normal everyday chores the way I used to. It has been more difficult doing those things or even having the confidence to try because people, (NOT my Doms) have discouraged me. Saying things like I am not capable, or when i try to clean its...You missed a spot, etc. So after that, why would I want to?

Let alone I broke my back about 9 years ago at work. Years before that I broke my knee dancing, so kneeling, dancing things like that are extremely painful. With my back being broken, walking for long periods of time, kneeling in different positions for long periods of time, or even just driving in a car for an hour can sometimes have me down and out of the game for days at a time.

So my Doms are having to get really creative. Especially since my brain gets bored so easily.

So yes I am a disabled blind kinnky ass submissive that has issues doing things but hell I am capable of trying and if I fail, I fail. Being a service submissive with a perfectionist trauma response, failing is so damn hard.

Now despite ALL of my issues. My Dominants have their own issues as well. Everyone has them. it is inevitable. Someone has something wrong with them whether they want to admit it or not. No one is perfect.

My Dominants do not get enough credit for being the people they are. Hell I am guilty of whining, complaining, throwing a tantrum here and there, or accusing them of not trying hard enough when i feel that they arent.

Sometimes I too need a taste of humble pie.
Which I got yesterday when I read an old writing of mine.

One of my Master's is having health issues but he is still going to work every single day to provide. He comes home to spend time with us. He still smiles at me, talks to me, does some chores that I just cannot do. He makes time to devote to assisting me with things. He is also an artist, so when i need new things for my twitch, he makes them, etc. He hardly ever has time for just himself, though I do my best to give him time. He is in the middle of writing a fictional novel so I encourage that greatly. He is Daddy when Need snuggies, cartoons and my sippy cup even when he has no strength to do it.

My other Dominant has a migraine condition and despite all of his constant headaches, which I am sure I add to. He still maintains a massive Dominant presence every day. He is my main caregiver. He is a chef at home. He is Mr Big when my Daddy is not here. He puts bandaids on me when needed. He helps bathe me when i just cannot do it. He does so much and dealing with his own damn stresses, pain, and family stuff, on top of my issues, and family stuff. I do not know how these two handle life, and also being my Doms.

Like I said, they dont get enough credit, and I feel I just do not ever show enough appreciation for them.

I have realized that for months now I have been stuck in this selfish phase of me, me, me. What I am going through. The stress I am under. The betrayal I feel from people. How I am coping. It has been hard realizing I have been doing this. It is even harder holding myself accountable.

Which I hate doing, but I have to do it.

I am going to start taking a better step forward. I may not see all that they are doing when I cannot see them in the five percent of vision I have left, but I am going to remember that just because I cannot physically see it, does not mean they arent doing anything.

I am going to communicate with them better how I am feeling in the moment. Not sit here like I usually do and let things fester. I am far more mature than that. I can voice my insecurities in the moment. I can do my best to discuss a trauma response. I can do my best to minimalize the things that trigger me. I can very well apologize for any bad behavior I might display, and beg for forgiveness when I have done wrong.

I am humble and honest enough to admit that I have not lately appreciated my Dominants as much as I should have. I can begin again and make steps to show them more how I appreciate them. How I love them. How I need to serve and please them. The fact that I know deep down they are doing their best with the tools they have. That my Masters are enough for me.

So my suggestion to the submissives out there. Take a moment to look at your Dominant. Really look at them. Appreciate them for the people they are outside of your dynamic. Appreciate everything they do for you. Just remember that you might not know or see everything they are doing for you. Know they are just people. They are doing their best, just as you are.

and to my Masters. I love you both so much. I am so grateful for all you both do for me. I know it is not easy or simple. You both are the strength and very air I breathe. I will do my best to never take you both for granted.

You know you would think that is being the year 2024 there would still be hope for humanity. That there are signs of intelligent life out there and yet all I see are reasons and excuses for the need to have warning labels. Sometimes I think and feel that the Spartans knew how to continue their culture correctly.

Still I look to the people in our community with the utmost respect because here I find the most open minded and forward thinkers. So it still amazes me when I come across people who write things in community groups that still think in such an archaic backwards and selfish way:

I can't give my submissive girl oral, because that would be an act of submission on my part.

I won't allow my subs to cum, because they are not worth it.

Why would I give pleasure to something that's beneath me?

My sub should not feel any pleasure because as the Dominant, I am the only one who is supposed to feel that.

I mean seriously? First off this screams massive insecurities. Secondly just how selfish you are. Clearly a taker and never wanting to give in a relationship. Thirdly if you think a submissive is not a human being worthy of respect then youre just an abuser in my eyes.

You need to remember that a submissive is a role they step into. A decision THEY decide to make in order to please and serve. It does NOT make them less than you. It does not make them unworthy of love, affection and respect.

I may choose to kneel, to serve and please but I am still your equal no matter what. Treating me any way outside of the agreement of our dynamic will never be permitted or tolerated.

I also want to add if you feel that pleasuring your submissive is an act of submission then who really is in control of that dynamic and relationship? What about forcing them to have an orgasm? Wouldnt that be your choice? What about making them be silent and endure you going down on them for as long as it pleases you no matter how sensitive and overwhelming it can be?

Isnt part of being a Dominant to guide, protect, help your submissive grow? What if I told you that for a lot of people an orgasm is a great way to be grounded. A great stress reliever? What if I told you that having orgasms at the hand of your Dominant makes the submission deepen?

Perhaps some more self work is needed on the part of the Dominant that says these things and believes these things? Some introspection.

Now if you have agreed to that sort of Dynamic more power to you. If that is what you need and desire then there is no judgment. I have simply in my past been with men like this. They arent my cup of tea.

For me its a two way street. I am eager and happy to serve and please your needs, desires and wants. However I as a person, a woman have needs as well and if you arent willing to reciprocate in the dynamic and relationship for this tango dance to work.

Well Sir...There is the door!!!