Enter the Void

(I have permission to share this pic that I took!!)

Feeling super overwhelmed with emotion while at this short little marriage retreat we are doing. Wolfy and I were having some serious discussions about our goals as parents (Once we have kids of course haha), and he snuggled up to me in a way that had melted my heart... And since I cant share in more vanilla places, especially where family would see as we dont want to deal with that conversation, I wanna share here. 

Look how frigging cute this face is <3 I love this silly, giggly, loving, playful, wonderful man. 

And I love that /I/ get to be the one who spends the rest of his life with him. That I'm the one he trusts to call Mistress. That I'm his "one" <3 I love him so much. 

6 seconds ago. Sun 16 Dec 2018 08:28:43 AM CET
I have /never/ been to a spa before. Always wanted to go but never had the chance. 

Wolfy and I are gone for the weekend for a marriage retreat. I love these things, and even though we dont usually /learn/ much as we both "study" love so to speak, so we kind of already know the tips and tricks given in these, it's always good to have refreshers and to spend time focused solely on our marriage. They're usually fun, I get to talk about how amazing my husband is (;P) and we do sometimes at least get little games we can play or exercises we can do now and then, to reinforce some of the things we already do, so that's always nice. 

During our down-time last night we went and checked out the resort's indoor pool. Which was okay, but we were told it would be heated, which it was but not as much as I would have liked (It was about -12°c outside and there is snow on the ground... cool water wasnt what I wanted haha) and we were told there was a hot tub, it was advertised on their site, but there were no hot tubs:T Big ol let down. 

So after we started getting cold again in the pool (a bunch of kids showed up and took over half of it so we couldn't do laps anymore to warm up), we decided to properly check out the spa that was attached. And oh my goodness, are sauna rooms amazing *.* 

I feel like we did it right, too. There were 4 different saunas in there- the first was some infrared thing that we didnt like so we only spent a minute or so in there. Second was an organic sauna room, which was nice and warm, and had wonderfully accented herbs burning over hot coals so everything smelled and felt so relaxing. We spent about 10 minutes in there and then jumped over to the Salt sauna room, which was pretty much the same thing as the bio one except hotter and had a salt lamp brick wall on the back wall. I dont buy into the salt lamp thing but the extra heat made it easier to relax and I /do/ think the lamps are pretty (Especially this one, looking like a brick wall with color-changing lights behind it. I was in love). By that point, the heat, and the fact that we were practically alone, coupled with the pretty sensual lights had me getting excited... I was /so/ tempted to try and entice him into doing something naughty but there were probably cameras, and there was no guarantee we would be alone for long >.> Kind of a bummer but maybe some day we will find somewhere safe enough for a little more adventurous fun Haha. 

We thought that was the last room, but after looking at what felt like a completely randomly placed shower, Wolfy told me he wanted to check out this outdoor area attached to it because why would there be a random outdoor area? I told him to have fun cause like hell I was going outside in cold as hell weather in nothing but a bikini just to look Haha. He came running back in and telling me he found the steam room which is what he had been wanting the whole time, and I had to come with him. So I took a deep breath, mentally prepared myself, and darted out. 

Holy fuck was it cold, but oh my goodness was the last room awesome. It had an even heavier scent of the herbs (Which was great as I smelled like them when we got back to our room haha), we could play actual music to relax us (Though the first one, for some reason, was in English (We are in Germany for those who dont know), and pretty sensual, so again i started feeling horny >.>), and we had different modes to release some steam. It didnt really steam the room up too much, but it was hot enough that we were both sweating by the time we got out which is the whole point. Wolfy more than me, that room made me realize on top of some other things I've been noticing that I desperately need more water in my life Haha. Just gotta remember my nice, big water bottle at all times >.> 

It felt so great outside once we left the room Haha, and after a quick hose off in the showers there we were back in our room feeling super contented and relaxed. Holy crap do I want some sort of spa membership now just for the saunas lmao. 

I'm excited for today's set of classes (Let's talk about sex, ba-bee! ;P) and to grow further in our love for each other... But I am even more excited for another spa night 😉 haha. 

Yestersay... Was kind of crap. Rough for me. 

Started off with work being hell. Everyone is getting paid and a big hoard of soldiers just came back from a training or mission or something... Our store usually only makes $500 for breakfast, between 0730-1100... By 0900 this morning we had made $1500. And we didnt stop all day. 

By the time I came home I was exhausted... But, seeing how it's my husband's birthday, I put on a smile and tried to push through it for him. But I had messed up. I tried doing things he really didn't want and it resulted in us having to talk about it. Nothing bad, but still, I needed to better understand him so that's what we focused on. 

Finally I was able to start cooking and baking... After having to run back out to the store for something. And while his cake was surprisingly easy, dinner was a mess (In my mind). I tried to make an imitation Longhorn Steakhouse meal (His restaurant of choice for most birthdays, but since we arent in the states anymore, that wasnt an option). /Should/ have been simple - Steak, a loaded baked potato, some Wild West shrimp... But, I had too much flour left on the shrimp (He still said he loved it, and that it was better than Longhorn's, the sweetheart. And I believe he felt that way), the seasoning on the steak burned, and for some reason, every time I bake potatoes, they come out... Warmed. Not cooked. Still hard as if I had just cut them open and served them. So they were inedible. Add in having to drive back out to get lemon juice... I felt even more exhausted. And then another drive to get milk because the one thing he wanted was homemade cocoa with rumchata while we watched a Christmas movie. And I hadn't thought to get more milk the last time I went out. Only one of his presents has gotten here and it's one I didnt do as good of a job on. So I had almost nothing for him. I felt like I failed. 

He was so grateful though... even with everything being a mess, my love showered me in kisses and praised me and gloated about what I did for him. He was so proud and so happy... I really dont know what I ever did to deserve this man, but my Lord am I so blessed. And hes wearing his present to make me happy. Hes incredible. 

And after all of that, despite it being /his/ birthday, after I showered to try and relax he nudged me into the bedroom to thank me with some head. It's his birthday and yet I got the present Haha. All because he knew I needed to relax and what better way than to get off. 

I love this man so much. Hes the best submissive a girl could ever ask for and I dont think he has any idea how amazing he is. 

I love you Wolfy <3

He is mine. 

Mine to me. 

Mine alone. 

He is everything to me. My heart, my soul, my love, my light, my dark, my everything. He is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before going to sleep, even when he's right there next to me. He's the thought that gets me through the day when others are yelling and screaming at me for mistakes they made on their orders. He's my baby. My better half. My everything. 

How dare people try to tell me he is not enough. How dare someone have the gall, the audacity, to read my profile, see very clearly stated that I am not at all interested in finding someone else, and then message me to tell me I need another sub? 

You know nothing about him. This man, my mate, was willing to sacrifice everything that makes him, him, just for the sake of having my love. He was prepared to sacrifice happiness for me. Which I couldn't allow. He is patient, kind, loving, understanding... He is willing to be patient while I learn and grow and find my way through the sea of BDSM. 

He has almost 20 years of being a submissive under his belt. He knows what he is doing, and what he needs to do to help encourage my natural behaviors. He is willing to go through everything with me, the good and the bad, while I learn. And you want to tell me he's not enough? 

Fuck you. 

He is mine. All mine. Mine alone. And he is perfect for me. 

Humans are flawed. But this man is my other half. He is everything I want, and need, and then some. 

Mine. 

My love. 

And don't ever disrespect him again. 

I oftentimes find myself struggling with one very big part of myself that seems to be one of the core problems effecting my self-esteem. 

In my eyes... I'm a huge asshole. 

I don't even know where it came from, what started me down this path, why I have this part of my personality. Maybe it's from being an only child... Getting most of what I wanted and never really having to deal with fights properly. Maybe it's from my lack of experience in relationships. Maybe it's just... Who I am deep down. 

But I hate it. I disgust myself when I look back on situations and realize how nasty I was. Because of course I rarely catch it in the heat of the moment. That would be too convenient, to realize what's happening and be able to step back, apologize, catch my breath, and try again. No... I end up hurting people, most importantly my submissive, with my ways. And it kills me. 

I have this... Instinct... Desire... To tell people they're wrong, to not admit to my own mistakes, and to want to tear them apart when things go wrong. To hurt. And while, over the years, I've become really good at stopping it, it still happens sometimes. I act with this malice instead of the love and affection I've built into myself. 

I don't want to feel this way. And for the most part, I feel as though I ignore the disgusting tendancies really well. When the thoughts pop into my head, I can ignore them, or remind myself of what is and isn't fair. But now and then... I react. I bite. I let go of the safety measures I've instilled inside myself to fight back that part of me. And I lash out. I think terrible things of people. I do horrible things to them. And it's so, so very hard to forgive myself for it... 

It's probably one of the biggest problems I have with myself. My pride. It makes me this disgusting person and it scares me. I don't like hurting people. I don't like hurting him. But I do. A lot. It makes me sick. 

I'm an asshole... And I have such a hard time handling that fact. I don't like being broken this way. And, I do feel like I'm getting better at dealing with it, holding it back so I don't hurt others 24/7. But I still do it. This part of me still sneaks out now and then and takes control. It makes me do things I regret the moment I'm taken out of the situation and allowed to think rationally instead of defensively. 

I wish this were like a disease, where I could get treatment to get rid of it. Have surgery to cut it out of myself. Rip it off so it doesn't effect me anymore. If only it were that easy... 

Warm. Inviting. Soft. Gentle. 

Home. 

A scent of love. The outdoors. A slight hint of chocolate. Desire. Familiarity. 

The smell of snuggles after a long, stressful day. Kisses. Mlems. Tea.

Fists clenched in the sheets. Sweat. Deep. A nip. A bite. A lick. A kiss. 

A finale. 

Stolen shirts when he's away for long periods of time. Sleeping on the other side of the bed. Tears of mixed emotions. Longing. Hopefulness. 

Joyous returns. Long nights tangled together. No space. Love. 

Home. 

My favorite scent in this world cannot be replicated. It would be the most expensive perfume and yet will never be bottled. Only one can carry it. It's my comfort, my desire, my love. 

And it's only worn by him. 

Only I get to enjoy the most wonderful smell in the world.

Him.

My love... I often wonder what it is that he sees in me. I don't think I'm all that good looking. I feel pretty average, if not a little less sometimes. I don't have an amazing career lined up, no degrees but tons of loan debt thanks to family screwing me over. I mess things up all the time between my forgetfulness and my anxiety. I'm overly emotional. 

But... despite this, he chose /me/. Despite the fact that I wasnt an educated Dom already and he wasnt sure I ever would be, he chose /me/. Even though, as it stands right now he can't have the poly relationship his heart desires while still having me, he /still chooses me/. Even though I've hurt him numerous times, accidentally though that isnt necessarily better, he still /chooses me/. 

He defends me when others question me and our relationship. He tells others off when they come onto him, or at least if they go too far with it, especially in front of me, because he knows how I feel about it. While I've been sick hes been going out of his say to crush up and hide Vitamin C in my tea because uncoated pills make me vomit so I cant take them any other way. He's more upset about me not getting off than I ever will be. 

He loves me, deeper than anyone in this world ever could. I truly believe that. 

Why?

Because he. Chooses. Me.

Out of all past partners, I'm the one he chose. 

And I will choose him. Always. Forever. 

And that makes me feel so blessed. 

Why, oh why, do people not seem to have common courtesy and respect? 

Constantly, I'm messaged and propositioned for being people's Domme/Mistress. When it says very obviously on my profile that I'm not here for that. 

I'm married and currently monogamous. All I want is my husband. No one else. 

And then some of these people have the balls to tell me they're better than my husband? 

Fuck you. You're not. Just the simple fact that you're so prideful you think it's okay to say that, proves he's better. 

Respect, courtesy, understanding, honesty... All very important in a D/s relationship. You're showing none of those when you proposition someone A) without reading their profile, or B) having read it and choosing to ignore their wishes. 

Read a profile before you message to ask for something. Seriously, it takes two seconds. 

Makes me want to turn off PMs, but I dont want to deny people who wish to speak about legitimate things. 

Trust... It's something I've struggled with my entire life. 

Mine has been broken time and time again, by friends, by family, by coworkers. It's part of the reason why I'm having such a hard time just being me - why I'm having to rediscover myself and learn about being dominant, rather than just being. 

Trust is the hardest thing to fix, and the easiest thing to develop problems with. And it's one of my biggest problems. 

My husband... He's the sweetest, most loving, most understanding person I've ever met. Even after all of the horror stories I've been told about his past, he managed to move on, to love, and to trust. 

But then there's me. I haven't gone through nearly as much, and yet, I get scared when he finds a new website, a new chatroom, when he talks a lot about new friends. I get so scared, that he'll realize one day how terrible I (think I) am. He'll find someone better. A Dom/Domme who can give him everything he wants,  without needing to work hard for it like I am. A lover who can satisfy him better than I can. I fear he'll one day decide he's tired of digging through the muck of my mind while I try to find the gem I used to have. 

And... I know it's not fair of me to think and feel that way. It's from my lack of trust. 

But, this is something I've been working to fix, a lot, lately. Instead of thinking the worst about him, about secret messages or conversations that definitely aren't happening, I remind myself of the truths. He knows my stance on relationships, as I know his, and he respects and loves me way too much to do that to me. 

That's the wonderful, amazing thing about my husband, my submissive - he loves me, and he has never given me a reason to doubt that. To doubt him. Even with the fact that he's way more open about love than I am, not once, has he ever made me think that he would leave me in order to live the poly lifestyle he thinks about. Not once has he ever made me feel like I can't give him everything he wants or needs, just because I need to work on myself a little. Not once, has he ever made passes at people or gawked when someone (in my mind) 100x prettier walks by, because, even if they might catch his attention for a moment, he loves me, he chooses me every day, and he knows that would hurt me. He knows it wouldn't be respectful to go after someone else, when his partner is very, very monogomous. 

And, because of all of that... 

I trust him. 

I didn't act like it before. Maybe I truly didn't trust him 100% for a long time. But he said something to me the other day, that, while it's not an immediate fix, did really help me to trust him. If I wasn't enough, if he didn't care enough, or he really did decide not to love me anymore, it's not worth the fight. I can't change him or his mind or his desires. The only one I can 100% control, is me. So, if he did decide to break my trust... It's on him. Not me. 

Because of that, I trust him. I believe it when he says that my love is all that he needs to be happy for the rest of his life. I believe him when he says that he's happy to help me get back on my feet and rediscover myself, so that I can (hopefully) be the proper dominant. I believe him when he says that, even if it turned out I wasn't dominant (Though, with what goes on in my head, that's very doubtful to me), it would be okay. He would still be happy, as long as I understood him and didn't try to change him. 

I trust him. 

Wolfy, I don't know if you actually read these, but... I trust you. 

I'm sorry I didn't give you my full trust for a long time. 

But I trust you. 

I hope you know that. 

And I love you. 

I want to get better. I dont /want/ to be depressed and hate myself all the time. I want to feel good in my own head and in my own body. 

The topic popped up again last night - children. God, how badly I want kids. I constantly feel myself happier when my friend's two are around, especially when they want to be with me and I get to hold them, protect them. 

But... I cant make the promise to love and protect something that depends on me, if I cant do that for myself. 

The same goes for my husband... I cant truly take control and allow him to trust me and give over whatever control he wants to give. 

I made the decision yesterday that we would go to the gym every morning, as our old routine was ruined by his PT happening during our usual gym time. This was the first morning we went. 

I'm in so much pain right now. We both had to call it early because it's been so long that we have go get back into shape. I want to pass out. 

But... I'm happy. I made a plan that we stuck to. A plan that will bring us closer to being comfortable with the question, "... Should I go off the pill?"

And that... makes me so excited.