Once you are made REAL

This post is another related to long distance M/s. It only reflects the ideas and thoughts of those within this specific dynamic. If you do not happen to agree with them, awesome. Feel free to share your perspective in the comments! 

In O/our dynamic W/we often talk about "pitfalls" or "landmines" those are not the same thing. Pitfalls can be seen coming down the bend, landmines you can't. They just explode on you. Every relationship of every stripe and color can run into pitfalls and landmines, it's nothing unique. However, long distance can make them quite a bit harder to navigate. As it does with most things... thus an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure applies. 

In my early days a specific image captivated me it was of a couple working on position training. The words written across the image: "The first lesson a Dominant and submissive must learn is patience, without patience discipline has no foundation."

Long distance M/s provides plenty of opportunity to practice patience... to put it kindly. Whenever I'm asked about my relationship in a vanilla context I well up with tears and all I have to say is: "What man do you know who is willing to wait TEN YEARS to let you parent your kid... there is no such man. It doesn't exist." Does he have to wait for me hell no. That right there took a lot of personal growing to not feel insecure about! No, he most certainly does not have to wait. He makes the intentional decision to be patient and reminds us both why it is worth it. What value I add to his life... and I am mindful about why he is worth the same and what value he adds to mine. It would be a BOOK. 

One of the pitfalls that has been brought to our attention is the natural consequence of the age difference between U/us. It's pretty bizarre, but his parents and aunts and uncles have all felt the need to discuss age differences and how that has impacted their marriages *facepalm* Multiple times throughout our relationship his mom and dad and aunts and uncles have taken us each aside to talk about their marriages and the issues they experience due to a large age gap. It has not mattered who the older partner was male or female, the issue was the same. One was slowing down and one was not ready to do so. One had lost their libido and the other had not. Yes, those conversations were uncomfortable, but I believe they were intended out of love. They were pointing at the elephant in the room: yes, I'm older. Yes, I've had 2 kids. Yes, I'm not quite as physically fit as he is. They are concerned that as well intentioned as we are, that we will end up falling into a canyon we think we can hurdle. 

So we talk about it. We check in. We acknowledge a really important part of long distance M/s is ensuring that both people have compatible mentalities. I'm not taking about kink exclusively. I'm taking about in all areas. W/we constantly check in to be sure that O/our goals, values, and mentalities of importance align. 

This is a pitfall for most long term relationships. You start out on the same road, and then over time you both grow and shift... and if you aren't careful you shift in opposite or competing directions. 

Last summer W/we went floating on the Bow River. We went with one of His "work wives" (I know them both and love them both. This one told Him outright that if he ever f***s it up with me... she is bringing me home LOL. I think she meant it too!) and a couple of her friends. Within short order He and I had taken over paddle duty. It was not a particularly quick moving river. Heck at the very beginning he had to go overboard to rescue a hat for one of them (rescuing hats for damsels in distress is a repeated theme in his life.) So the water was not moving particularly quickly, it was one of those tides that as long as you kept an eye down the river you could "make small adjustments" and end up where you wanted to go for the vast majority of the time. Yes, there were a couple of hairy spots that W/we both needed to concertedly paddle to get through the rocks and rapids... but mostly it was a quiet moment to watch Him, watch the river. and just adjust accordingly. If I was unclear whether He wanted to take the left or right hand direction I simply asked. However, if W/we had both been paddling without watching the other, or waited too long to make a choice in the direction it would have been far more work to "right the ship" and W/we might have run aground. 

It's a great metaphor for the lifestyle. I found a cat dying from heat exhaustion outside. I brought her in, bathed her, fed her, and searched for her owner. When the owner was not found I kept her. When He finally met her (and the Conure Bridgette) He fell in love with both of their personalities and thanked me for bringing them into His household. If W/we did not value the same things it could easily have been "one more complication!" 

Yes, W/we might fall  into some of those pitfalls or step on some landmines... it's bound to happen... but if W/we make sure that W/we maintain complimentary mindsets then hopefully small adjustments can be made and the correct path will be easily found. 

I cant wait for O/our adventures this summer my Master! <3 Thank You for life. Thank You for excitement and planning. Thank You for waiting for me. Thank You for finding the value in me and U/us. I can't wait for forever. 

His slaveMikayla

This is another post discussing the concept of how W/we live a long distance M/s lifestyle. I do not consider myself a "part time" slave. I do not do scene play for the sake of play. This post reflects only my own perspective. If it does not match Y/your own ideas that is fantastic! To each their own. 

This post will also move outside of the lines I usually operate within to address topics that I traditionally do not discuss, however, the purpose of these writings is to answer the question W/we most frequently get... and that can't really be adequately addressed without addressing these topics. Soooo...

TRAINING. 

That word can be so incredibly broad, but for me it matters. It's a mentality thing. Let's think of that guy who has finally "arrived" he has all of the resources in the world and he is ready to go out and get his dream car... man he loves that thing. He loves it so much that he barely ever takes it out of the garage. That's cool for him. You do you. 

Then there is that guy who hankered after this one specific model. He finally got his hands on it, but it is a little worse for the wear. It is not a brand spankin' new model... it's a classic. So he spends his time and resources lovingly restoring it, bit by bit. He spends weekends sourcing the parts and then installing them. He puts his blood sweat and tears into restoring that car, and when it is done he can not wait to take it for a drive. 

Both are very proud of the cars they drive. Both are grinning from ear to ear... but for ME... well... if the first car were to be in a disaster and got wrecked... he could just as easily replace it. It's only money right but the other one... nothing can ever replace that one. Sure, he could go through the process all over again... but every part was painstakingly found. The process of rebuilding it and creating his perfect ride... THAT can never be repeated.

Training is the difference between those two scenarios for me. 

Now, some girls would rather be compared to the first scenario... but I actually prefer the second. It's not about being "broken" and then "fixed" it's about the "being made perfect for Him". That's a mentality that I really enjoy. Actually, it was one of the very FIRST conversations of depth that W/we engaged in. W/we had been attending an online event during covid (a kinky karaoke event that I'd invited Him to) but afterwards a couple of U/us ended up on a discussion about a workshop that they had attended. It was a workshop put on by entitled "Lost Object, Hidden Object, Object of Desire" and man, that mentality definitely hit home for me! 

Over the years a constant in O/our relationship has been to put a focus on constant, intentional, incremental improvement with a goal towards becoming His perfect *insert term here*. Training has taken many forms, and much of that can be done in person or over distance! 

Now here comes the part that is out of character for me... 

So yesterday MstrJ got his tax refund! Whoohoo! This has been a long time in coming. One of the things W/we both do is we live on a budget. This budget ensures that W/we meet all of our needs, but it also ensures that W/we prioritize saving for long term and short term needs and wants. W/we have a budget for saving for plane tickets (both of U/us) He has a budget for saving for His golf membership each year. I have a budget for saving for my needs over the summer for starting the new school year.... and W/we have a budget for saving for lifestyle goals! 

Why do we have these budgets? Well, it's one of those life lessons I believe in. Everyone needs to see that their needs and wants are actively and intentionally being met. If He were to put alllll of His money into the house or travel then at some point there would be resentment. Why the budget towards lifestyle things same logic! It's a practical way to intentionally prioritize improving the relationship. Yes, the relationship is not toys or a boob lift... but those things are very real ways to clearly say: "HEY this thing is important! Your needs and wants are IMPORTANT." 

That lifestyle budget can go towards workshop fees, or towards items of clothing, or towards play toys, or furniture... well this time I'm really excited... this time it's going towards a training tool! 

Yes, I'm excited for training! 

Yesterday after His tax refund came in He went to go purchase His golf membership, and then once He came home He sat down and ordered the next training tool W/we had been discussing! I got to sit with Him and participate in the planning and then the celebration afterwards. So what pray tell is this training tool?

Master got me a fancy and fun new Deep Throat training tool which will add loads of fun and is specifically intended for distance learning! When I first saw it I was not convinced that it was a real thing, I've been around the block a fair bit and this sounded like theory or fantasy, not reality... but apparently it is! So it works with any "appendage" you'd like to use, and you calibrate it to read the length of the appendage. Then you program the training that you'd like to complete. You have a few options there: you can train for length of session "repetition mode" if you will. In this mode you set a goal for length of time (you can also add in a requirement that you hold at a certain position for certain lengths of time). You watch the led display in front as you complete the training. If you are on track it will stay green, if you are falling outside the training parameters it will turn red. If you fall outside the training parameters too long it will turn off completely. 

There is also a mode to train endurance in this mode the goal is to hold the depth for as long as you can (again within certain parameters). 

Finally, there is a freestyle mode, but if you would like to set goals then you set a pace (x distance per y time) again, follow the led which, in this case will move a dot at the rate you should be moving at. 

In all three cases there are a few built in "rewards" for the trainee: #1 there is a leaderboard which you can opt into. It will automatically upload your training data to your dashboard, and if enabled will allow you to see your place on the monthly leaderboard! 

#2 there are optional physical attachment rewards... there are vibrators of all manner which attach directly to the trainer and when you are "on track" will give you the physical reinforcement. When you are not on track, they will shut off. As an interesting side note, they are actually completely useless without the trainer. They literally *do not function* as separate devices. I had some mixed feelings about that being a very practical person. HOWEVER, from the D side of things, that could be an incredibly useful feature long distance! Yes, they even partner with the Magic Wand... but again... if you buy that attachment it will NOT function without the trainer being active! Damn that's harsh! LOL

#3 the part I like best is that I am able to share my dashboard control with MstrJ who is the one to set the training schedule and parameters. Meaning, when I go to do a training session, I'm not even really sure what the training will be! I just have to follow the little green line or dot and do my best to keep that light green!!! 

From His side, He gets a mobile notification ping that training has been initiated, and He gets a notification to check the dashboard when it has been completed. There is no subjectivity to it at all! He can absolutely "see" what success there is (or isn't) and what improvements are made (or still need to be made). 

Now, again, I'm a pragmatic woman! One of the things W/we have been working on for a while is a different type of training. I HATE squats with a damn passion. HHHHHAAATTTEEEEEE them, mostly because they hate me. However, when I was looking into this I had to admit that this would technically work on any and all possible areas of entry! I mean... it would! Sooooo I negotiated for 3 separate "appendages" (different colors so as not to get mixed up)... yes yes I know ATM is a thing and all that, and I'm perfectly amenable to it in the moment, but for training, there is really not a point to risking health etc. Had He said there WAS a point to it, then that would be that! (that is where M/s comes into play! I ask and explain my logic. He listens and then makes a call. End of.)

So... W/we have a new training toy coming! I'm absolutely excited to see how it goes! I can't wait to have a way to empirically track progress! I can't wait to have another way to earn my "good girl" and to show up and work on being the very best I can be for Him. I hope that it provides as much of a benefit as He intends. I hope it brings Him pleasure knowing I'm working at it. 

I love when He finds new and practical ways to incorporate training into our lives! 

When He finds new ways to train me it makes me feel safe... He is putting time and energy into the relationship and into me, His slave. 

When He finds new ways to train me it makes me feel valued... He is putting his resources into this relationship and into me, His slave. 

When He finds new ways to train me it makes me feel excited... it means there is a new way for me to show enthusiasm and earn His pleasure. 

What cool long distance training options do you know of?

~His slaveMikayla~

For anyone interested...

~this blog relates to long distance long term Ms and represents only my own experiences and opinions. Nothing herein is stared as FACT for all, "Gospel" or otherwise. If it doesn't fit your own experience or definitions, *rock on*. Feel free to express your own truth in the comments. ~

Master's Household is a very encompassing concept. It's also a very important foundational concept. Master's Household is not a physical place (well it is, but it is not ONLY a physical place....) it includes the people whom He is responsible for, all of the people THEY are responsible for, it includes their responsibilities, as well as His own. It includes His own physical properties and assets, and also all of theirs both tangible and intangible.) 

Imagine it like a Venn Diagram with concentric circles moving outward in encompassing size... You could view it as His own circle in the center with His own home and property and responsibility OR it can be alternatively viewed as His circle encompassing all of the others. 

I am a part of Master's Household. All  that I have and am responsible for is a part of His Household. As such, He is responsible for all that I am responsible for (literally and metaphorically). This is the root of our M s relationship. There is nothing outside of His responsibility. He is responsible for my wellbeing physically, emotionally, medically, financially, etc. I am also responsible TO Him for all of my outside responsibilities in addition to those I have towards Him. 

^^^^^ those are the theoretical idea concepts. 

A moment when this was brought into focus recently:

I enjoy finding really unique experiences for U/us when He comes to visit or when W/we travel. Two weeks ago when He was in my space I was able to book U/us a stay at a literal palatial estate of a multimillionaire. Now... mind you... because I'm awesome, I was able to do this for less than it would cost for a motel in Canada. As it was, W/we were on the property pretty much on our own with the house staff. Yes, the man has a literal house staff of upwards of 30 people. There was a private pool with 3 levels to it. There was a 2 story waterfall with a private gym and TWO saunas... oh and let's not forget the private zoo with hundreds of exotic animals in habitat enclosures and the vet on staff.

W/we had someone on staff to take care of our every need and want. W/we had a private tour of the animals including ability to get into the enclosures and feed/pet the animals. I got to feed tortoises which are older than the ring on my hand which is more than 5 generations old... I got to see and collect feathers from an albino peacock. I got to feed and connect with a southern patas monkey which is SO rare that wikipedia does not even have a picture of one... O/our daughter got to help pick up newborn baby ducklings from a species which had not seen live hatchlings in several seasons! I got to get neck nuzzles from a beautiful white Arabian horse who was brand new to their stable... she bonded with me before ever meeting the man who had bought her. 

They opened the gym for U/us at night and turned the lights on in the pool which lit up the water in alternating patterns of blue, red, green, and teal... 

They invited U/us to tour the private areas of the estate where he kept his most prized animals under 4 separate sets of gates and locks... not even the groundskeeper had been allowed in that area before. He had never seen what was behind THOSE doors. 

Finally, W/we were taken on a tour of the lands which the estate owns. He owns acres of Mango trees, as well as fields of lettuce and eggplant, lots of clover and alfalfa were planted.. he had greenhouses full of tomatoes, peppers and various herbs. He had stables full of sheep and goats, as well as pygmy goats. W/we got to hold some baby lambs which were a week old. W/we got to feed a "grandfather" goat who was absolutely giant! 

The estate not only includes the mansion, the pool, the stables, the fields. but also the farmers who are on the land and a village of workers who stay on the land, work the space, and rely on this estate owner for their livelihood. 

Sounds like a novel or a movie... something untrue right ... it's not. This happened. It's real. When I made the booking there was no expectation of ANY of this. Sure, I knew about the mansion and the pool and the zoo... but the main idea was to take Master and O/our daughter on a lovely last bit of a trip before school started back up again. It's not far from my home, and hey, maybe it would be nice. ... so how did it move from what W/we intended to all of this private access Those doors tend to open for me. It just is. I show up and I am who I am, and I am honest and kind and polite. I comport myself as someone who is worthy of good things. I treat people with respect and I give them opportunity to feel seen heard and important. And a result more often than not, people really respond! The caretaker WANTED to show us everything that the Master of the House had! W/we gave Him an opportunity to be PROUD. To tell His story. To share His pride and joy. W/we listened intently and asked thoughtful questions. W/we praised the things that W/we were shown, and showed respect for the time and energy put into acquiring them and maintaining them. W/we showed love for what the Master of the house loved. W/we LOVED the animals and showed them care and respect, this opened the WORLD to U/us.

He could not share enough! He WANTED to share with U/us.... this door is always locked, no one is allowed here, but I will open it for YOU. 

(Please do not misunderstand this as pride in myself over pride in what I am able to accomplish for my Master, that will be addressed in a subsequent post. I acknowledge what is good and different in myself because self worth and a knowledge of your own talents is an acknowledgement of the value of what my Master owns (me))

The two sad truths... the Master of the House built this space as His own "Paradise on Earth". It was to be where He retired. He wanted to share it with his wife and children. He loves animals. He loves wide open spaces. He spent decades gathering everything and building it to his heart's content. Then he married a woman who does not share this vision. She does not love animals and prefers the big bustling city and glitz and glamor. She does not share His vision of "Paradise on Earth." As a result, he comes to see His space every once in a while, then returns to His space in the city. He has not given up on His zoo... rather He has left it in the care of others... parts of His home have fallen to disrepair. That's putting it kindly. I can see what it WAS... but the tiles are falling off of the pool.... the tikibars  plural have not been used in years... the wood is rotting and the hinges have fallen off. The handmade leaded stained glass is completely covered in dirt and it took EVERYTHING IN ME not to beg to be left alone on the roof to clean them just so I could stand in the atrium and gaze up at what it SHOULD HAVE BEEN! 

The floors were covered in dirt and bug remains... and I will not discuss the potential of the animal habitats vs the reality. 

The caretaker and the itinerant farmer came to an argument which I could understand in the second language I speak: "If the Master saw how you have allowed this place to become overgrown and how careless you have been, you would be out!" reprimanded the caretaker to the itinerant farmer. The farmer had admitted that he did not know where certain plants were or the status of the plants which were growing. He had left them to go wild inside the space. The caretaker pointed out baggies of unplanted seeds which had been pushed to the side and left unsown. "I know exactly what those baggies are as THAT is MY handwriting" he was quietly livid. ..... all while maintaining a smile and pretending to us in English that all was well.... all is NOT well... all is a shadow of what it could or should be. 

The Master's Estate has been left to rot in His absence. 

The dangerous part of me wanted to jump to "fix it" ... and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I could have had that place up and running the way it should have been inside of 6 months (if given the access to the workers and the finances) I could have done any one of 60 things in those moments and life could very likely take a very different path.... but that is NOT the MY MASTER'S HOUSEHOLD... and I prefer MY Master to this. 

Let me let that sink in... I prefer MY Master to this. How can I SAY that with a straight face Because My  Master is wiser. I have no respect for this man who actually DECIDED to marry a woman who does not share His vision. a woman who can not see or does not care about what he loves! It baffles me on both of their parts! How could this man marry a woman who would not love what he loves How could he tie himself to her and as a result know that he would give up his vision of Paradise... How could SHE deprive him of it... I can not fathom. 

No, this is not My Master's household. but it did provide a moment for very important dialogue and again, appreciation for E/each other. 

What does it mean to be a caretaker of my Master's Household 

When I am in His space I am responsible for the day to day upkeep. I also keep my eyes open for ways to improve the space to meet His goals, needs, and desires. I do so with an eye towards the future and value. I look for ways to use my time in the space wisely. I paint the deck. I sweep the cobwebs. I have painted the fence. W/we have refinished the fence in some areas. I clean out under the deck. I deep clean the cabinets and pantry. etc etc etc. 

When He needs to know where something is, all He need do is ask me on a call "go to the workroom, look at the bench under the window the second shelf down on the left side you will see the drain cleaner." "Go to the kitchen to the cabinets on the left of the stove, now look down at the drawer to the left the small one, there is the tape." etc. 

As my Master's slave I am responsible for the upkeep, care, cleaning, and improvement of the home. 

My Master's Household also includes the space I occupy, as I am His, what is mine is His. I am responsible for caring for this space as well as I care for His! I must clean it, maintain it, respect it, and improve it as though it were the space He is occupying. THIS is long distance long term M/s. 

Everything that is my responsibility is Master's responsibility... that includes our daughter and the animals; just like the Master of that estate. 

He had not even the time to meet his brand new prize Arabian mare! I met her first. She looked into my soul, I swear she did. I was able to pet her and she nuzzled into my neck! 

I was able to feed her. Yes, the Master of that house brought someone to groom her, and train her, and a vet to care for her along with all of the other prized animals in his possession. Yet when he came to shake my hand (drove TWO HOURS to shake MY hand....) I kid you not.... I congratulated him on the ducklings and asked if he had met his horse yet... no he had not. I excitedly asked to take him to meet her... he could not. He had work to do... another time... 

He has all of these animals he "prizes" ... yet he has no time or ability to attend to them, to develop a relationship with them.. to groom them, to train them, to take pleasure in them... what a WASTE! 

Yet my Master, when He had to spend 3 days at this space alone He decided to develop His relationship with the animals that are His. He has a conure named Bridgette who apparently loves His beatboxing. She dances for me... she dances for Him. He fed her from His hand and she took the seeds and He loved how she eats... He has a kitten I saved from death on the street. He loves how she cuddles and He tried to help me curb her one bad behavior. He has a lovebird named Lilo who was not terribly interesting, but He tried. He has a red eared slider turtle who does yoga and loves to be fed. 

Most of all, he developed a relationship with his greatest responsibility ... our daughter. <<< more on this later. 

Long distance slavery for U/us starts with defining Master's Household and a focus on the fact that even when He is not present I am responsible for and to His Household be it here on this side of the world, or there on that one; just as He is responsible for all He owns ... here and there, living and inanimate. 

Thank You for caring for what is Yours. Thank You for never leaving what is Yours neglected and derelict. Thank You for making time and priority. You are much wiser than that man. You have my honor, my love, my loyalty, my respect, and as always my grateful service...

His slaveMikayla. 

"You Don't Miss A Thing"

You know my motives

You know my heart

No matter what I'm doin' You see my secrets

Right through the dark

Who do I think I'm foolin'?

You watch me runnin'

You let me hide

'Cause You know where I'm goin' to

Seeking me Reaching me

Keeping me in Your care,

Lord I can't escape it

[1st Chorus:]

You don't miss a thing I do

You see every move I make

But You know everything I need

You don't let a care get by You

You don't miss a thing, do You?

When my heart's broken

You dry my tears

'Cause You know what I'm feeling

When I am frozen

You melt my fears

Your gentle love is healing

You feed my hunger

You quench my thirst

'Cause You are my provider

Leading me

Teaching me

Keeping me in Your care,

Lord I can't escape it

[2nd Chorus:]

You don't miss a thing I do

You see every move I make

You know everything I need

You don't let a care get by You

You hear every word I say

I will never go unnoticed

'Cause You don't miss a thing, do You?

[repeat]

You don't miss a thing... no, no ,no...

The animals I loved most: Dongol the Hamadyas Baboon. Hassan the Olive Baboon. Senpai the Southern Patas Monkey. Aldabra Giant Tortoises. Kleinmann's tortoise (I held three). A yellow golden pheasant

and of course Marrylegs the jet black pregnant pony and Beauty the White Arabian Mare. <3 

When I'm alone and untethered it seems like I have so much to write here. I will blog pretty consistently. I process my feelings and my lessons through the writing. It's my attempt to turn something painful into something meaningful. I'm attempting to cement my lessons for myself such that I only have to learn them through living them *once*, and I learn them "out loud" so that maybe anyone else could benefit and not have to learn them "the hard way." 

In the early stages of a relationship I tend to continue writing though, with much less frequency. I write about important conversations and concepts that are being discussed. This is neither to air personal business nor to solicit outside input. Again, I process in writing. It helps me to digest my own thoughts and to ensure that I really grasp and am honest with myself and my Person about all angles of the conversation. 

Once that stage has passed and we are into the meat and bones of the relationship my writing dwindles. I have very little to say to the outside world because my entire experience is intensely private. I have nothing left to process externally, and anything I need to process should, by necessity be done between the two of U/us. I also believe that any lessons learned in that stage are really only applicable to U/us... they are of no real value aside from entertainment value and that I have no interest in providing. So I go quiet. I tend to be here less and less frequently. I check up on friends and loved ones on occasion, but I'm not heavily invested in their journeys. I CARE, but because of who I am and how I operate I MUST do this. 

There are a few reasons for that reality:

Remember... I attempt to learn my lessons only once! 

One time, quite a number of years ago I fell into a "trap" of sorts. My life necessitates right now that my submission is by and large long distance, however, I'm a 24/7 lifestyle slave with a deep seated service submission leaning. Which means that I get my "good girl" from providing service. When you live with your Person then there are ample opportunities to provide that service, so the itch is getting scratched. When you do not and life does what life does, there are times that it just doesn't. This, for me, is dangerous! I have fallen into a trap when I remained active in the online community where I fell into serving (in non physical) ways, People who were not my Person. It was not about "cheating" it was not even conscious! I saw a need a friend had and I wanted to "be helpful". Human right? There's nothing wrong with that! Oh, but there is... there can be. See, it starts out very innocently and quite naturally, but it can build over time quite unintentionally. One favor turns into a habit. A couple of minutes of something easy turns into a time eating energy using routine... and if that "itch" that "good girl" is being regularly scratched by someone other than my Person that leads to attachment. Until one day you realize that without even realizing it you were, indeed, "cheating". I learned my lesson. I am careful to direct all of that time and energy towards Him, and He is a VERY wise man... He is careful to be sure that I have ample ways to directly and indirectly serve Him. More on that later. This lesson I mentally named "accidental submission or misplaced submission"

Another lesson is related to my own experience and process of attraction... I am a grey asexual. I've been open about this. For me, attraction comes directly from a sense of bond. I do not experience attraction on a purely visual or ... innate basis. Emotional attraction comes first and it must come from a few elements: respect, trust, and familiarity are absolutely necessary. Those lead to what I experience as physical desire; attraction on a mental, emotional, and physical level. This was very confusing to me as a young adult until I understood it. I ruined (walked away from or torpedoed) many VERY good relationships because I did not experience what I thought I was supposed to experience. I listened to others describe "chemistry" and because I didnt experience it I thought something was "wrong". Well, actually it was, that means I was missing one of those "necessary" elements.... but what I did often trade the relationship for was a friend turned relationship. Why? Because I was "attracted" to that friend... they hit all of those necessary elements and immediately turned into a love interest. So was I mistaking friendship for love? I just hadn't understood myself well enough yet. It took a lot of years to untangle it all, but the fallout and pertinent part is that when I'm in a relationship I have to be VERY careful to keep my friendships within very strict boundaries because they can easily mess with my head, my emotions, and my relationship. 

Finally, I have to be very careful not to let others comment on the content of my relationship. This can mess things up in two ways... if someone I trusted makes a comment about my Person or "throws shade" on Him ... that is a death sentence to the friendship. I will cut you out quicker than you can say "oops!" I had an online group that was very important to me during Covid. It was one of the foundational elements for MstrJ and my relationship. In a moment, the leader of that group made a very backhanded comment to me about my Person (a comment which was completely unfounded and could not, in any context, have been intended to be constructive) and I "door slammed" that person (and the group) out of my life FOREVER. That person who was important to me is now forever branded as a snake in my mind and lost all credibility in a single conversation. Why do I react so dramatically? Again, a lesson I will not repeat. Once upon a time I was in a very "sick" relationship, but I did not realize how "sick" it was. Toooo many details to go into, but suffice it to say, I made a few mistakes and one of them was relying on a "friend" who presented themself to be just out to "help" me. However, he was really undermining my faith in my relationship. I let that happen. I listened to his comments and his "well intentioned questions" and I let him sway my thinking a bit. I now understand deeply how damaging those kinds of comments can be, because, once again I must feel trust and respect in order to feel attraction. If those things are damaged the relationship is doomed. Someone who is a true FRIEND of mine will understand this and keep out of it, they will support my relationship and never undermine it. Does that mean my friends have to be all sunshine and roses and pretend that our sh** doesn't stink? No! However, they know that for ME I honestly am not seeking nor interested in their input in this topic. Thank you. Respect me enough to understand and accept that. Can most DO that? nope! So I share very few details of my relationship. 

So I've been quiet for the past... what... 4 years? W/we have been working O/our way through the ins and outs of our relationship day to day, week by week, year by year... and there was really nothing to discuss here. Nothing I wanted or needed input on. Nothing that would benefit anyone else. No reasonable reason to invite "trouble". Was it all smooth sailing? For the most part, honestly, YES! When it wasn't He knows exactly how to "right the ship" and set U/us back on course. When He needs a hot minute to do so, that's perfectly fine. W/we are GREAT at pivoting. 

So why now? W/we are out in open sea and W/we know the course. Everything is going the right direction, and W/we are progressing in the right direction. O/our destination is in sight. Finally, I have something worth sharing which might benefit others, not just U/us. So over the coming days... weeks...months... no clue.. I'm going to begin to address the one question W/we have gotten so often. "How can Y/you do lifestyle M/s halfway around the world?"

The question has been posed in a lot of different contexts and with different wording. It's a fair question. Usually it has been posed without a judgy undertone, but at times there has been one. Usually it has been asked out of sincere interest. W/we dd address it as best W/we could when it has come up within the context of the one posing the question... but it does hold a larger value I believe... and I'm finally ready to address it here. 

So... I'll be back soon,

I hope that my words will help or give food for thought to those who may benefit. 

~Sincerely with hope, Faith, and a heart full of love,

His slaveMikayla{MstrJ}

^ I can not watch this without seeing Him... if you know Him, you know this is 100% His personality and it makes me grin from ear to ear. I have told You before and I will tell You again, I could not have prayed for you to exist because I could not have dreamed You up. 

^His to me. 

I'm going to quietly draw Your attention to a detail You never noticed, I'm sure in the video... try and find it in the context that You now live with me.... find the detail... relate it to where you went with Ramy and Yasser... <3 Still not in love with the video. The lyrics are good though <3 

Aloha,

WHEW, that was a heck of a rollercoaster in the very best of ways!

I've just gotten back from my 12 days with my Master and the much needed reconnection. This trip was, yes, vacation, but very much a working vacation. This trip is the first time W/we have been back to my home state since O/our first meeting face to face 4 years ago. It was a really interesting opportunity to measure how much W/we have grown since then. That first trip was very much a moment to determine if expectations met reality, and if what W/we HOPED for would work out in practicality (clearly, the answer was YES). Wwe have met 2-3 times a year since that first meeting so clearly a lot has changed in that time. Every time has a different focus and purpose, this time was the most *important* thusfar. Going into this visit He had various plans... and I had various plans. All things were communicated clearly... but still, there was a moment about a week in when He turned to me and said something to the tune of "Gosh, I really haven't even gotten to doing my "job" this time!" ... to which I stopped, full body turned and faced Him and said much more directly and seriously than I normally would "Excuse me?... Try that again!" Now before everyone flips a gasket... sometimes that kind of communication which flies in the face of expected and typical protocol can be warranted and EFFECTIVE. This is one such case. Hear me out. 

Going into this trip the purpose on one hand was to give me a space to try and come to terms with my aging and ill mother. We have a hell of a long and complicated history and things have been incredibly tense. She was slipping into unstable places mentally and has been touch and go physically. To put it bluntly, He took me home to make peace and say goodbye. 

The second major purpose of the trip was to help me solve some very real legal obstacles in my life. I am by no means a damsel in distress, and I'm quite capable of solving my problems... most days. That is except where it comes to LEGAL things. I have huge trauma and fear surrounding anything to do with legal paperwork. I have had a few huge obstacles which have held me back and I've been unable to solve. I needed to go to two separate government offices to #1 get an official copy of a specific order and then take that along with other paperwork to a major government office and submit them to resolve another issue. 

Then He had other "work" planned. W/we have been working on our Ds dynamic in relation to training in specific skills. He does the work to determine areas of my life or His life which could be improved and then does the work to implement a plan to help me improve my skill (or whatever applicable verb) in that area. W/we exercise together, W/we meditate together, W/we cook together etc etc etc. 

So at the moment that He communicated He had yet to begin "the work" he was expressing that He had been "enjoying" our time together (cooking, good food and drinks, playing at the waterpark, going to golf with me as caddie, watching shows, massage, relationship physical bonding etc) and had not really had the chance to implement the "training" He has envisioned. True, THAT had not happened... but here is why I stopped Him physically got in front of Him eye level and unequivocally challenged this statement...

"I have not even begun the WORK." ......... THAT is not the WORK. Yes, it is important... but it is NOT THE WORK....

So my follow up I will share here for anyone else who might need this reality check. 

The WORK of the Master is not the training, the correction, the redirection. Yes, that is part of it... but it is NOT "The work". 

The work, my Beloved Master is helping me face the things I can not face alone. The Work is taking your personal hard earned vacation time to dedicate to walking beside me into these very difficult emotional spaces and not leaving me to handle it alone. The WORK was deciding to do that without ever being asked. The WORK was holding my hand and being patient with me while I mentally prepared myself for coming to say goodbye to my mother. The WORK was driving me to the hospital and physically holding my hand and helping me breathe and center myself before walking in that door to whatever awaited. The WORK was waiting patiently outside, but within earshot where I KNEW I was not alone, but her privacy was respected. The WORK was wrapping Your arms around me when I got outside and telling me until I could hear it that I had done a good job. The WORK was being the witness to my life so that later on when I question myself I have You to remind me. The WORK was helping me remain emotionally stable to then, immediately, pivot to handling the other obstacles. 

The WORK was being my emotional rock to walk into a space where you saw, for the first time, Your very strong girl on the verge of an anxiety meltdown. You knew it happens, but you have NEVER seen me physically tremble simply at the sight of a building. The WORK was the fact that in that moment, I could physically rest myself into You and begin to breathe and know that I was NOT ALONE. I had a moment of quiet tears rolling down my face at the immenseness of that. For the first time I was NOT ALONE. Everyone before you deserted me in that moment. Every freaking one. Not You. You came. You flew to me, literally. You took your VACATION to OPT to use your time and money just to come and hold my hand. THAT IS THE WORK. Because You did this Work for the first time I could STOP shaking. I could face this issue. I got the paper and walked out of that office and never ever have to walk in there again. (and You pointed out with a smile... until W//we come to apply for a very different license... soon.)

But that's not all the Work You did... oh no... then You walked me into an even SCARIER space where You would never have recognized me or believed it if someone told you. If someone told You that I could be rendered completely speechless and cowed by a unifrom and a snapped word You would never have believed it... but You saw it. Then, You stepped in. You immediately moved to solve the issue and stood behind me literally, directly behind my back so that I could not would not move... You physically supported me until I found the needed words to walk into the building past that very imposing obstacle.... you held my hand the whole time until I stopped shaking and within an hour Wwe stood outside and acknowledged that every single obstacle which has stood in front of me is now gone. 

Had You not done all of this WORK... it would not have happened. Let's be real... I had not solved these 3 legal issues in 17 years. These same 3 issues have existed for damn near half of my life. I was NEVER going to face them. I couldn't. I had no way. I could not logistically solve them, and the emotional content of them combined with the logistical issues made them TOO BIG. If not for You, they would never have honestly been solved. Because of You there are no more obstacles, only time. 

None of that was easy on You, but that's THE WORK. That's what I, s a submissive, get out of this. I get to admit when something is truly "too big, too scary" for me to handle and then I get to ask for help. Yes, You get to decide if You will or will not, and prioritize things... and that is the Work You did. You decided that these things needed to be resolved NOW. That they had held power over my wellbeing and future for far too long. You decided to take Your time and money as well as your physical and emotional energy and you did the work of helping me change my literal life. Thank You for doing THE WORK. 

Many times over the years He has said to me and on here that I have changed His life, that He would not be the Man He is without my help... but in the moment standing outside that second office I explained "W/we're even. I accept that that is true. I've done good and well by and for You... but as of right now W/we are even. You have changed my life. You have helped remove every roadblock in my way and it would never ever have happened. That's a fact." Thank You is not enough. I don't have the words... 

The trip ended with a very important moment in my mother's long term care room.... a question He asked her... and a response she gave Him.... 

No, the Work is never done, but I'm looking forward to both of U/us continuing to do "The Work" here on out. Forever, one day at a time, for as long as the love shall last.

~To all of the D types who do the REAL Work... Thank you, from all of us who need that support, care, and guidance. 

His grateful and loyal slave,

Mikayla; Faith

Our long stretch apart for the year is OVER. W/we have so much to celebrate,  so much to look forward to. The year has already brought so much life change.... so this is a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT.... last week with His help and support I won the next seemingly impossible battle, "big girl" is now an American citizen. This has been a long uphill battle,  and it's incredible that it is over! 

The trip I'm embarking on now is another step in a series of dominoes aimed at uniting our family for good. I have a very important meeting on Wednesday to sort out some government paperwork...if that goes well then the next step might be HUGE. 

However all of that joy is mixed with a deep grief. My mother suffered a stroke near Christmas just as I was preparing for her granddaughter's citizenship process. At first she seemed okay, but on Dec 27th I effectively lost my mom. She is still breathing, but she is not there anymore. This trip was originally planned to spend time with her ( both of us) and it evolved to where His mom and dad were going to come with to meet her ( while they had the chance) sadly....that will not happen. I'm going to try to say goodbye to a mother who no longer knows me...but the important thing is, I'm not alone. He is with me, holding my hand. 

My ex left me alone to fight these battles and it deeply damaged me...today I AM NOT ALONE. For that I will never be able to express my gratitude enough. 

This trip will be everything rolled into one. It will be emotional and intimate and exciting and fun and terrifying, and tiring and rejuvenating and LIFE. It's life...and I love living it as HIS. 

I Probably will not update this for a while as I will be absolutely focused on time together. He is so patient with the situations in my life, so while I'm with Him... there is no other focus. 

Thank You for all of the ways You prove CONSTANTLY that You are NOTHING like anyone before You. Thank You for Your love. 

His slaveMikayla,  Delilah, Faith. 

So.... a few nights ago MstrJ and I were doing life as we do from opposite sides of the globe. He was doing Him and I was doing me. We had been watching shows together, eating dinner, and planning the upcoming trip (1 week!!!) We are just about to get past the "long stretch" of the year when W/we are apart for upwards of 6 months. 

All of a sudden I see a thing and I let out an audible (and apparently VERY loud gasp). 

He booked it across the house as soon as He could: "That was either VERY good or VERY bad. What's up My girl?" 

I couldn't even words yet. I was just happy dancing excited slightly losing my MIND. "Sooooo I know what W/we are doing. I mean.... please for the love of all things PLEASE!!! We have a thing and I really really really really really want to do it!" 

"oooookay... and what is it?" 

Well,,, a week of planning since and a ton of absolutely fantastic planning and this girl and her Master are going to be seeing one of my FAVORITE bucket list entertainers of the modern era! We are going to Ren Fest and W/we are going to see Jacques ze Whipper!!! ffffffffffffffffffffff 

Spent the last few days figuring out what song I'm going to shout as a suggestion and I'm stuck between "Dance Magic Dance" and "ABC" because I think both would be absolutely perfect! (I was originally going to do Seagulls Stop it Now, because I hadn't seen him do it, but last night I finally found a video that he HAD ... however, his reaction to the suggestion really gave me the giggles!) 

and we are DEFINITELY doing the pub sing! 

There is one more part to this... MstrJ's dear sister gave Him a really important Christmas gift for the two of us and it was probably the most amazing gift I've ever received in my life ever. She told him to take me out somewhere nice. NOW.... I highly doubt that this is what she had in mind, but I GUARANTEE she would approve! 

Anyone else perchance going to be there weekend 1 opening day? Ren Faire Florida (Delray/Boca)

If so... See ya there! 

and most importantly.... 1 week left my All!!! I can not wait! I can not wait to be in Your arms, in Your hands,  and at Your feet again! 

His slaveMikayla ~faith~

EDIT: Oh my freaking hell YES! The washing well wenches will be there too!!!!!! Excuse me, I have to go run around the house excited again. I seriously didn't even make it that far down the schedule I died at Jacques.... The only thing that could have made it better is the Misbehavin Maidens! Oh well, can't have it all! 

My Master does so many things to add value to my life. He teaches me. He guides me. He protects me (mostly from myself). He provides for me. He spends time with me. He helps me be healthier. He helps me to do better with regard to work and my family. One of the greatest things He does is He supports me. I'm His cheerleader, but the truth is, He is mine too. His words of pride, acknowledgement, and praise are the loudest and most important. He is never ever stingy or shy with them. He tells everyone around Him who will listen exactly how proud of me He is, and I think I have not told Him how much this matters to me. 

Once upon a time I was married to a man who never even told his closest friends that he was married. Had I met his friends on the street they would not have known I was his wife and the mother of his child. This was a deep hurt that I bore quietly. Never again could I. See, MstrJ's work friends know me by face and name LONG before I ever meet them. When they finally do, they greet me with warm smiles and hugs like an old friend, because they have heard alllll of the stories. It has healed this part of me so much that I could never ever accept less. When He met me I did not know how to accept praise or a compliment. It made me deeply uncomfortable, and because I could not hear and accept praise I had some serious flaws in my self confidence. 

I also didn't know how to ask for help. I had always felt like I was a burden, and that asking for help took away from my value. This was something that really hurt my previous D/s relationships. I did not know how to rely on someone, and for some that is a very important part of the dynamic. I'm a very capable woman, but knowing that I CAN ask for help when it is needed and He will celebrate that as a chance to "show up" has been hugely healing. 

Tonight I'm watching a series that He and I have not watched together, but a scene in it just made my heart happy and I needed to share it. 

Who else sees the amazing D type that is "the Raptor" in The Resident? DAMN I adore that man as a character. The similarities between him and MstrJ are few and far between (and I FAR prefer MstrJ. Would not trade Him for literally 100 million dollars. Would not trade Him for 20 more years of life. I can honestly say, there is nothing on this earth that could be offered that would make me turn my face from Him) however, they have two things in common #1 is that they will move heaven and earth to show up for their person and #2 they are their person's greatest and loudest cheerleaders. 

I wish there was a clip, but season 2 episode 19. When he walks through a blizzard to get there because she needed him, then he gets there only to find out she didnt need him and his reaction was to shout for pride and joy that she did not need him, and cheer her on. DAMN what a man. 

Here's to the D types who lead by example and are proud as hell of their partners. 

Thank You for all of the ways you add value to my life. Thank You for being my Partner, my Master, my Maker, the One I can turn to, and the One who will always share my failures and successes with. You are the greatest gift in my life and I will never take that for granted. 

His slave Mikayla

I have a useless superpower... I can take a licking and keep on ticking. 

When I tell even small parts of my life to people they have pretty much the same reaction: YOU NEED TO WRITE A BOOK. 

MstrJ's reaction is a bit different: "That can't happen... then YOU" 

. He's heard it all, I think, by now... and He's seen enough of the first hand proof to know I'm not lying about any of it. 

The result of this insane life is that I can walk through fire and keep going. I have PTSD, but very few people see it. I have Anxiety... but it's under control and if you told anyone around me they would laugh and say "no way!" 

I have a superpower... I compartmentalize like a boss. I put these things into a box and stuff it high on a shelf where I can't get to it. Then "out of sight out of mind." It's not an unhealthy thing in most cases. Yes, we all know the adage about not dealing with things and bottles and corks; but there are some things you just can't deal with. You simply have to keep on walking. 

The thing is it's also a useless superpower when it comes to drop. It's a counterproductive superpower when it comes to D/s and M/s especially O/our kind. I can't put Him in a box. I can't put my feelings for Him in a box. I can't put the ache of missing the shit out of every single thing about Him in a box. I can't put the hole that is EVERYWHERE in a box. I used to try. I think I actually did at one point and how He had patience with me I'll never know. This year I've vowed to myself and to Him not to do that, not to wall off my feelings for self preservation's sake. I'm not talking about Love or Respect or Dedication... I mean the longing for Him. Today I'm hitting it HARD. 

I do not want to be here. I hate everything except my kids. I love my students, and I love my career with a passion. I have a damn good reason for being here, and I make a difference. It would matter to them if I didn't come back. I have 5 kids who are staying in school just for my sake. This year the Senior class will be different. They are the first group that I have a personal relationship with, and they are excited to see me and be with me. I adore them... but it's not even close to the hole that is EVERYWHERE. 

Nothing feels like Home. When I walked into His space again it was immediately *sigh of relief; HOME!* When I walked in this door it was "where in the hell am I?!" 

When I lay in my bed the emptiness is like the Tardis, bigger than it appears. 

I walked down my street the first day back and walked in the raw sewage that has been an issue for literally 2 years, looked at the buildings which are basically spackled together, the trash in the streets, and the looks that I get from people and the smile that has been plastered on my face for 65 days was immediately erased. I've got a headache so bad from the constant pressure that is my mind and my head and the frown that I can't seem to do anything about. 

I have reminders of Him everywhere, don't get me wrong. He makes damn sure of that. Every stitch of clothing I wear has come from Him, whether bought by Him or picked by or with Him. Every single piece of food I've eaten since I got back has been cooked on or in equipment that I came back with (There's a strong possibility that I'm the only person in this country with a CrockPot... you can't get that here. I've no idea why). I sleep wrapped up in the fuzzy purple blanket that was my birthday present and it still smells of Him and U/us... He is everywhere and yet His absence is more present. My superpower is useless, and counterproductive. I would not trade it for the world though. I accept this grief this longing for what W/we have, and I know if I'm feeling it He is doubly so. I know I've got O/our daughter. I've got hugs from my kids. I've got cuddles from her. He does not. 

For now, this sucks. I know it will get better, but in the meanwhile I just need to acknowledge it and allow it to suck instead of compartmentalizing it. It won't kill me. It won't even damage me in the long run, so I'll let it exist. 

I'm sorry that my life choices made this separation necessary. I'm sorry that this is the way things are. You deserve (I don't know the word. Better isn't it... different?) I just know that I have no way to thank You for patience with this, for accepting me and this situation. For viewing me as worth it in the long run, for waiting for me. I do not take it or You for granted. 

~His slaveMikayla

"This has been the best most fulfilling summer of my whole life!" These words have been spoken over and over these past two months. 

~W/we had a family birthday for my 40th and in the process had life changing deep conversations with family. 

~Those conversations directly led to a family member reevaluating their life and making huge and positive choices... and W/we will be forever family; the kind you PICK, not the kind you are born with. 

~W/we did almost or just over 30 rounds of golf ... damn! He broke 80!!! A ball now dubbed the "Jesus ball" "walked on water" to save that 78! It's forever sitting on the desk. (oh! I need the donut ball out of your bag!)

~W/we went to a party and made two AMAZING friends. I'd say they are our first "married couple" friends. Okay, so none of us are married... but we're gonna be! Seriously, I adore them and they adore us. 

~I met His "work wife/wives" shhhh they will fight over Him... no seriously. And I adore them and they adore me. I know for dead sure He is in very good/safe hands when I'm not here. I know all I have to do is poke them on Whatsapp and they will hug the shit out of Him for me.. and that is peace of mind. 

~W/we did a ton of outdoor fun stuff... camping, rafting, kayaking... and had some life changing deep moments which will now be a tradition for U/us. 

~W/we made lifestyle friends and had some pretty "big" experiences in that regard. 

~W/we also had our first difficult moments, and handled them well too. <3 

~I ran a 5K obstacle course with all of the ladies in His family and He and His dad came out to support. 

~W/we did some home care projects (and I found out that He has a sensitive stomach ROFL... He would NEVER change diapers that's for sure!)

Most of all W/we filled our hug-o-meters and reaffirmed exactly how perfect W/we work together. 

At one time I explained that if W/we are puzzle pieces some puzzle pieces can fit together in a plethora of ways... and still make beautiful pictures, and other puzzle pieces are annoyingly intricate. They really only work *one way*. He is the first, and I'm the second. I'm so grateful that He found me, that He has been so beyond patient (I swear this Man is a saint), and how trustworthy He has been. I'm never ever going to be able to explain all of the ways that He is incredible, but one more time I'm saying "Thank You for loving me. Thank You for finding me. Thank You for all of the ways You support our kiddo and me. Thank You for Home."

Now the unthinkable part.... Friday I have to get on a plane and leave. I have to go back halfway around the globe to a place that is far less stable and feels NOTHING like Home, and I have to be the adult and "do the right thing". I do not want to. Every fiber of my being is screaming at the top of my lungs and ripping my heart out because I wan to be RIGHT HERE. I want to be here at Home caring for the space, making Him insanely good food, I want to get into a better health regime, I want to be laying beside Him at night and be there when He wakes up every morning. I want to be His caddy and secretary, and all of the other very good and totally dirty things that I am for and with Him.... but for now, that can't be. The slightly better news is that this year we should get to see each other 3 times not 2.... and that sounds only marginally better, but honestly if W/we can make it to January/Feb then it's just a little hop to March/April and then June/July is in sight. We can do this! Just keep swimming just keep swimming... so until then I'm going to hang onto Home. 

and O/our spundtrack from this year:

~with all of my heart and soul, I'm only going back so I can run right back to You. 

"spin me like a globe and drop Your finger on me. You push me in circles, I can't go any further until I start coming back to You." 

His slaveMikayla; "silverchild you are Mine, and you are LOVED"