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Once you are made REAL

I, like the velveteen rabbit, have been made REAL. I have gone through the process of seeing my own truest self and nature. I know WHO I am, and that can never be taken from me.
I am a slave hearted submissive with a heart the size of the ocean and an emotional capacity wider than the sky.
I am a woman of Faith, though a believer of the truth and validity many religions.
I am a singer, a trained chef, and an amateur artist of no remarkable talent ^__^.
I am above all else; myself, the velveteen slave.
The Man who "made me Real" has moved on from the chapter of my life, however I will always remain with the deep and abiding understanding of who I am; for "once you are made real you can never be made unreal again."

This blog is a catalogue of my journey. It includes the lessons that I've learned while walking down my path. It serves to help me remember those lessons that I might retain them. It is my hope that it can provide insight to others as well, perhaps spark an understanding or a feeling of camaraderie.

~The Velveteen slave; Faith; His Mikayla{MstrJ}

*The girl accepted MstrJ's collar on 2/10/22 and her new name; Mikayla <3
2 months ago. January 24, 2024 at 7:01 AM

So ready to get on a plane to get back home to Him. 

So ready for all that is possible this trip. 

 

It's been a long few months, but at the same time it has flown by quicker than last year. 

This time last year we were waiting to welcome him here, and that was a very different feeling. Both are wonderful and good. When welcoming Him here the focus is on giving Him an amazing experience, and also on family time. It was really exciting to know that I had this huge surprise for our daughter. Watching her sit at the airport and telling her to just watch the door, that she would know her Christmas gift when it got here. Watching her eyes light up and she gasped "MstrJ!" and ran to Him. Then showing Him life here, all the good, and beautiful, and weird, and wtf that life is here... it was excellent. However, there are limitations at that point. W/we have to be cautious about what W/we can say and do, and again, small ears and eyes are involved. So it was absolutely wonderful, but also to be honest, limiting as well. 

Going Home to Him is completely different. 

There is a very unique excitement and anticipation. W/we get to exist very differently. There are no small ears or eyes, and no expectations aside from His. 

Yes, W/we have family to consider, and this time that has meant altering O/our initial plans. Little do they know their kindness and care has completely disrupted plans for a hell of a scene W/we have been planning for WEEKS. (They are really keen to meet us for dinner when I get in, as opposed to a few days later). However, the fact that they *want* to interact and want to be there to welcome me back home is very important to acknowledge. In a way, that's their support of the relationship and what they can do to be involved and show consideration. 

This time, at least at this moment, there are not nerves. That's new. This is the first time that I'm not at all nervous. I know that He knows me. I know that He is fully aware of every thing I have to offer, and every drawback that comes with me. I know that I will not disappoint Him in any way, and I know that He wants me... 

 

This trip has a different focus than previous ones. The first time it was just feeling eachother out really, and seeing if in person clicked. That was 3 years ago. 

Then was that summer and that was to see His space and see if W/we got on in living life life for a short time. 

Then I went back for last Spring break and that was dipping my toe into Winter, and honestly, W/we were so starved for affection it was "filling the cup". 

Last summer it was seeing how W/we got in in the same space over an extended time. Do W/we do "life life" well, or will we drive each other nuts or anything. 

Each stage has just a slightly different feeling. 

 

This time all of that groundwork is done. W/we have all those answers and all of that baseline. Now it's coming home and now W/we are going to get to dive just a little deeper into dynamic. It's exciting. It's coming home. truly. No nerves, just ... anticipation. 

 

https://i0.wp.com/wakingeros.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/tumblr_n0ad34KvlL1tp3ksfo1_500.jpg?fit=478%2C578&ssl=1

 

Every trip He sends me a song which sets the tone for my trip... waiting for this time's when He wakes up ^_^

last trip's 

mine for this year:

 

His slaveMikayla

2 months ago. January 18, 2024 at 5:45 PM

There are times when I'm sitting here and I'm just overcome with gratitude for all that He is, and all that He has helped me through, over, and to accomplish. 

 

A very long time ago someone who was important to me was talking about Karma and I was a little sad, usually when we talk about Karma that way, it's a bad thing. Then He stopped me dead in my tracks and said: "My darling girl, what ever would make you think that? YOU are very likely the greatest GOOD I've ever been blessed to have. YOU are what rights the scales for all of the hell I've been through and back from." This is the same man who told me that there was nothing "Happy median" about me... (I'm balls to the walls, all in, cannonball style GERANIMO!" Two of the greatest compliments I've ever gotten... but now I know exactly what that man meant, because I'd turn exactly that sentiment around and say: "Yeah... and now I've found mine. The greatest Good I've ever been blessed with." 

I tell Him on occasion that I could not have dreamed Him up, or prayed for Him because I did not know He could exist. 

 

in 1 week I'll be in Vancouver waiting for my plane to get me HOME to His arms. 

 

His slaveMikayla

2 months ago. January 12, 2024 at 8:30 AM

... life goals I never knew I had....

 

A little snippet of life that I found unbelievably funny. 

Him: "So *name of Master's sister in law* is recovering from surgery... she... well she had her boobs done. So I messaged to check on her. "

me: "Wait wait wait... *ROFL*... so you messaged Your brother to check to be sure your sister in law's boobs are okay?" 

Him: "Well, yeah... but in the process I also asked him how it went and if the doctor was good etc. I told him we were looking into someone for your boob lift for your 40th." 

me: <<<<busts out laughing. Wait. I can't. You asked your brother about info for my boobs. Awesome. Good to know this is a topic of conversation. 

 

I can't decide if it's funnier, more awkward, or more refreshing that this is the kind of honesty our relationships have now. 

By the by I ADORE all people involved. His brother is really a gem of a man, and his sister in law is someone I'd be friends with if I met her in ANY circumstance. She's one of the prettiest people I've ever met irl, but she also works damn hard at it too. 

 

Guess I know what I'm doing summer of 2025!

~

His slaveMikayla

 

 

edit: and yes, I'm the one who wants the lift. I've had that on my list for my present to myself for my 40th for a decade now. I've got GREAT boobs, but after 2 pregnancies and nursing for 2 years, and a huge amount of weight loss they could use some *heeelllppp*. 

2 months ago. January 9, 2024 at 4:10 PM

Coming right up on 4 years, which is mind blowing to me. I'm sitting here on the sofa just outside of 2 weeks until I get to go back home to Him and I wrote something to Him that I'd like to keep here forever. 

It's not the most eloquent thing ever, and I don't expect any of it to matter or make sense to anyone else, this is just for U/us.

 

I fucking love O/our life. I know it's just a shadow of the past and future... but god I love O/our life! I'm sitting here tearing up thinking about the past and the future. Memories and aspirations. Thank You for existing. Thank You for loving me. THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME. I'm stupidly crying over cruise memories, and the little cottage, kayaking and hiking at 6 am... firepits and family bbqs, water balloon fights and apple bobbing... reupholstering chairs and a sofa... curtains and sunburn care, hot tubs and waterslides so many times I swear I could barely walk that night... swinger hotels and nudist colonies, food trucks and Celebration, dancing in a macaroon store, Golf caddying, and Birdies, trying new things, learning I love liquor (in moderation), and wings, and never forget kinky Costco trips, and me losing my mind over Bass Pro Shop, Stampede and the biggest Zucchini ever.... There is no part of our history that I dont fucking love. I want all of it. Forever. Please.

 

Here's to a heck of a list of memories to love, and that's all W/we've packed into 4 years! Imagine the next 14? I'll aim for 40. <3 

 

Hope you all find your Happily ever after. 

~His slaveMikayla

 

3 months ago. December 7, 2023 at 6:29 PM

...a heated massage pillow, perfect for getting knots out of legs... and warming up frozen toes for a girl not used to the true cold. 

...still calling O/our daughter "Big girl" with a giant smile and a true listening ear to every detail of her day, even when He'd much rather be spending sexy time with His "little girl" ... aka me. 

Love is...

a  big tub of Peanut Butter with the words carved into the top...

Love is

...a big ol black notebook filled with scene plans

 

Love is...

knowing EXACTLY what my heart's desire is even before I say it. 

 

Love is Him... fuck I love You, MstrJ. <3

 

~His slaveMikayla... t- a month and a half!

4 months ago. November 19, 2023 at 1:11 PM

I'm a teacher, incase you didn't know. Not just by profession, but in every aspect of my life. I love words. I love to understand them and feel them deeply. 

Deeply held morality, a code of ethics is actually sexy AF to me. Every man I've deeply loved has had one. I have a habit of looking around and reading the words people surround themselves with. If I visit your home and you have something written on a plaque you better bet I'm reading it. 

I'd like to share the words that my Master has chosen to surround himself with... had I known nothing else about Him aside from these words, he'd have been someone I wanted to get to know. 

 

The World Needs Men

The world needs men who cannot be bought;

whose word is their bond;

who put character above wealth;

who possess opinions and a will;

who are larger than their vocations;

who do not hesitate to take chances.

 

The world needs Men

who will not lose their individuality in a crowd;

who will be honest in small things as in great things;

who will make no compromise with wrong;

whose ambitions are not confined to their own selfish desires.

 

The world needs People

who will not say they do it “because everyone else does it;”

who are true to their friends through good report and evil report, in adversity as well as in prosperity;

who do not believe that shrewdness, cunning and hardheadedness are the best qualities for winning success;

who are not ashamed or afraid to stand for the truth when it is unpopular, who can say “no” with emphasis, although all the rest of the world says “yes.”

 

Have I mentioned lately exactly how much I love this Man? When I entered His home it was sitting laminated on His bedside... before I left that time it was hanging above the same bedside. This time, it will be framed. The world does need those Men, but at least I know He is One. 

 

~His slaveMikayla

 

4 months ago. November 18, 2023 at 1:32 PM

One of the concepts that I have written on before and haven't in a while came back due to something I just read. 

 

Submission doesn't live in doing the things you WANT just because you're given permission. Submission lives in doing the things you'd really rather not do, but for the sake of the One you are with and the commitment to your dynamic you find the grace to say "For You, I will". THAT is submission. 

 

To me, that is beautiful, and I'm grateful for all the ways I'm permitted to submit to Him and His will. 

 

~slaveMikayla

 

4 months ago. November 16, 2023 at 2:04 PM

Anticipation is one of my favorite emotions in the world. 

I love to anticipate time. 

I love to anticipate events. 

I love to anticipate conversations. 

I love to anticipate... *fun*. 

I love to anticipate coming home to Him. 

 

...ticket is booked 70 days to go! 

now for the awesome weekend I'm anticipating when He wakes up! <3 

Time for some preparation in anticipation ;) 

 

~His slaveMikayla <3

 

 

4 months ago. November 9, 2023 at 2:47 PM

Tomorrow will be three years. 

I don't miss her every single day anymore... just most days. 

I can't say that I think about it every single day.... just most days. 

It's not a sharp pain anymore... until I wish I could write her and tell her something, and then it is. 

It's not even a constant hole... just a scar that opens up on occasion. 

 

These days it's open more often. There is so much I wish she were here to share. There is so much she had to look forward to and will not ever have had. I'm glad she isn't here these days though, there would be so much pain and concern for her. 

 

Zombie Hugs to those who miss her too... and I'd really like one back. 

Missing my sister. 

 

 

 

~for today and this post; Faith

(His slaveMikayla)

4 months ago. November 3, 2023 at 1:54 PM

YEARS ago now W/we attended a really excellent workshop entitled Trauma and the incoming slave. In it the presenters used different wording to discuss something I've talked about often; learned truths. These are thought processes which you arent consciously aware of necessarily. You find them in picking apart and examining behaviors. The behaviors reveal truths you deeply hold and act upon without being consciously aware. The subconscious part is important. You shouldn't be punished (imho) for something which you ace completely unaware of. Seek to become aware YES. Have it pointed out YES. Once it is pointed out, actively work on dealing with it YES... but it's really not fair to be held responsible for things which you are blind to. 

The important thing to note also is the "truth" part. These things are so powerful as to influence your behavior because, to you, to your past, they are exactly that... TRUTH. Things that have borne out as causational in past relationships, and you've accepted them on some level. We accept gravity as true, so this truth influences our actions and decision making every moment of every day. We don't stop to contemplate the effect of gravity, or if we are considering it... it's a truth, it's a fact of our awareness on a deep and unconscious level. No, I'm not going to put my coffee cup on that edge of the counter. I don't need to think or rationalize why... GRAVITY. 

 

For the month MstrJ and I have been living on the edge of that countertop edge. We are doing everything we can to keep moving and functioning. We've actually had amazing moments of closeness and success. There is a lifetime goal that W/we are working towards, that W/we have discussed... and the way He brought it up recently was really deeply impactful in positive ways. He has spoken to my mom about my safety, and done what He can to reassure her. His family has on occasion reached out to me to check on me, and see how O/our daughter is getting along. He has tried to keep my spirits up, and has even stepped up to take over control of an area of my life that was really causing me a massive amount of stress. As winter has set in, we have more time. We have spent that time reconnecting in wonderful meaningful ways. 

 

Last night, however, I came face to face with the fact that I've been letting one of those learned truths influence my behavior in unfair ways, ways that are contrary to O/our dynamic, ways that were totally unfair to Him. He has not blamed me. He is not angry with me, or disappointed (and He would have every right to be!) Instead He completely understands where this "learned Truth" comes from, and W/we are going to work at unlearning it. 

I am his slave. I am His girl. I'm a lot of things... and He gives me a lot of room to handle life because right now my life is literally halfway around the globe. It doesnt WORK to wait until He gives me permission to eat.... because everything up to and including very unreliable internet and power conspires. Being a reasonable and good Master means giving me a way to sort out life on the regular within agreed upon parameters. He sets those parameters, and I move within them, knowing that that is obedience, and that is where "good girl" is. .......

There are days we have all day, 24 hours together.... there are WEEKS when we have all day 24 hours together... but there are also days and weeks where we wave and say "I love you" and run our separate directions. Me being mom and teacher and homemaker and Him being provider and employee (hopefully foreman really soon 😉 ) and homeowner and son etc. That's good and right. As a result thought there are days when I dont have the luxury of time to check in face to face. and THAT's the excuse. The justification which covers a fear. The fear born of a learned truth. 

 

PAST: 

My aunt dropped me off at the sidewalk at age 5 when she thought my mom was dying and left me to deal with it. 

My mom's friends left me when they thought she was dying... and I was left alone when she was being unintentionally OD'd on pain meds because the stupid pharmacy screwed up the conversions...

My dad walked out because "handicapped wasnt in his marriage vows" 

Various D types in the past: "Do you think I come here for this stress? Do you think when I log on here I want to handle your shit?" "Handle your own problems or I will release you." "I give you exactly one job and you cant even manage to get that right." "If I come out of this I will do everything I can to never wind up in this situation again, so I sure as hell won't have the time to put up with your problems atop that." .... etc etc etc etc etc ... oh, my favorite was telling me that I asked him to hold my emotional trashbag... and he was a pen with no more ink left in it. *thumbs up*. 

Now, when you hear stuff like that from one person, ok, you can let it go... but when you hear it over and over again then there is this addage that says maybe you're the problem? So that's the truth I internalized. If I do that whole transparency and complete honesty thing and share all the shit in my life, I'll be too much for the person I'm with. They will not want to put up with my shit, and they will get tired of me and leave, and that's my fault because I'm unreasonable or wrong for the way I share. 

I meet MstrJ and He has NEVER done anything to make me believe that He would be that way... He has always asked me to be honest. He has ALWAYS been right there with me toeing the line with me against whatever I'm facing. He has seen me through every last little bit of it... and for years I've been very transparent about all of the good the bad and the stressful I'm facing............ until this month. 

This month I've NOT been transparent. This month I held a LOT back. I did not withhold anything out of fear of angering Him. I did not do anything wrong that I was hiding. I did not hold anything back because I believed that I'd be in trouble.... I was afraid that it was all too fucking much. 

I'm literally in physical danger every minute of every day. 

My world is on the brink of very possibly Armageddon and that's not an exaggeration. 

My country is in a financial freefall, and I've been completely stripped of any semblance of financial capability to *anything*. To everything I've prided myself on <<< fuck that hurts. 

I'm a social pariah here because of a stance I took as a gut reaction, and while I shared the situation, I did not share the continuing and spiraling fallout. 

My friends have abandoned me, and in many cases have shunned me or outright disowned me. 

I'm a target for mockery and abuse, threats and everything else. 

Our child has had to face some fallout from it too, though I've worked HARD to shield her as best I can. 

I've been sick, she's been sick... and it's just one thing atop another with no break or pause. 

 

So what have I done? Put on a brave face. I held my head up, out on a smile, greeted Him, spent wonderful positive time together, and tried to push on through. What I did not do is tell Him how afraid I've been. How hurt I've been. How much I'm struggling in every single area from friends to work to feeling unsafe... I did not tell him the continuing consequences of that situation. I should have. I SHOULD HAVE. 

It was not because I don't trust Him. It's because of that learned truth, that I need help to unlearn. Those other people, they could not handle reality. They were not meant to handle my reality. They ran for the hills because it wasnt what they desired. I was not the slave for them. Thank God, because not a single one of them holds a damn candle to Him. He can, does, and will continue to desire to hold it all. To know it all. To support me and help me handle it all. He isn't swayed by the deep, hard, scary realities. He is not going to decide one day that he is "burned out" because He knows all that I offer and all that I'm worth, and that comes specifically because of all the stupid insanity I've been through and am still going through. He is not them. Those truths do not apply. Just because I KNOW that doesn't magically erase the fear and make changing my learned behavior a done thing. It's going to take time and effort... but I'm grateful for His understaning and forgiveness and patience with me. 

 

So for now, He's going to ask me explicitly and give me a time to unload all the bad shit that has hit the fan in the day, so I know that He wants to hear it... so that my fears don't get the better of me. So I know that in sharing I'm doing exactly what He wants, and I'm not just being a debbie downer. 

 

 

for the past:

To remember:

If I had the chance would I take any of it back? It's always darkest before the dawn. 

 

His slaveMikayla,

 

Thank You for all the ways You help me grow. Thank You for never making me feel like work. Thank You for your gentle patience. Thank You for being trustworthy and consistent. Thank You for holding me when I feel like I can't carry my own weight. Thank You for always reminding me of the worth You see. I am immeasurably grateful to You.