I, like the velveteen rabbit, have been made REAL. I have gone through the process of seeing my own truest self and nature. I know WHO I am, and that can never be taken from me.
I am a slave hearted submissive with a heart the size of the ocean and an emotional capacity wider than the sky.
I am a woman of Faith, though a believer of the truth and validity many religions.
I am a singer, a trained chef, and an amateur artist of no remarkable talent ^__^.
I am above all else; myself, the velveteen slave.
The Man who "made me Real" has moved on from the chapter of my life, however I will always remain with the deep and abiding understanding of who I am; for "once you are made real you can never be made unreal again."
This blog is a catalogue of my journey. It includes the lessons that I've learned while walking down my path. It serves to help me remember those lessons that I might retain them. It is my hope that it can provide insight to others as well, perhaps spark an understanding or a feeling of camaraderie.
~The Velveteen slave; Faith; His Mikayla{MstrJ}
*The girl accepted MstrJ's collar on 2/10/22 and her new name; Mikayla <3
So this is going to be unusually brief, but I'm about to walk out the door. Today is a big step for me, might be relatively minor for a lot of people, but for me, it's huge.
Today is the first day of summer vacation WHOOHOO! Another year down in the books. It's been a fantastic year. Not the topic today though.
Today marks 13 days till I'm on a plane.... and the first step towards making relatively real permanent physical changes with MstrJ in mind.
So I turn 40 in two weeks, and I'd said for a long time that I fully intended to give myself a very specific birthday present in the form of fixing some physical issues that year.
Nope, today is not the day I get my mom boobs fixed. That's still a ways down the line... but I AM having my first forray into any form of plastic anything. I'm excited. I'm terrified. I'm losing my mind. I HATE needles. I love Him with every fiber of my being. Soooooo last year I got braces and fixed my lower teeth (my uppers are already gorgeous.) I love my eyes, they are beautiful. I am lucky I really don't have that many wrinkles and certainly nothing I'd worry about fixing. I have an adorable nose and beautiful cheek bones. So long as I keep up with my bike my jaw line and neck are really pretty. ^__^ However, honestly I have itty bitty lips and a tiny mouth which do suit me, but as I get older my lips seem to get smaller and smaller. Sooooooo today I'm going to go get lip filler. I'm excited. I'm fucking terrified.
I used to have a literal phobia of needles which I got over with pregnancy. I used to sit for bloodwork saying aloud "I love my son I love my son I love my son" to manage to have the needed tests. So today I'm going to sit there and mentally say "I love my Master I love my Master I love my Master" and pray the entire damn time that it comes out well.
Got home an hour ago but it took this long to be able to be functional. Holy crap that hurt. It was an interesting sense of camaraderie in the place. Most places you go here people don't exactly *talk*... but in this office sitting there I had more "real" conversations with women than I've ever had here. It was really interesting. The procedure itself was really really painful, I'll be honest. I legit cried and almost tapped out at the end. The positive side is the clinic itself was very clean and I'm 100% sure that what was being used was real and safe (which could be iffy here, so that's worth it even if the doc himself may need some updating on his technique cause good lord. )
So I was only able to get half a syringe in this time because my lips are so tiny. I think I watched him evaluate the feasibility of mine *at all* in the beginning. So I go back in a week to get the rest done.
Those words have been said to me soooo many times and with sooo many different connotations. My mother used to tell me often how beautiful I was when I cried... then several boyfriends... yes an ex D type or three... but the one person who has never said it is MstrJ; and fuck I love Him for it.
36 days!
MstrJ and I have been talking about tears for the last few days under the context of sincerity, emotion, and the types of Sadism. The specifics of the conversation will not be shared here, but I will share here that one of the most powerful moments in O/our relationship for HIM came early on when I came to Him crying out of sincere contrition over a wrong I had done Him. I had not overstepped intentionally, and He completely understands now where my heart and mind were at; but apparently it was one of the most powerful moments for Him.
Tonight I cried very different tears, having nothing to do with Him, but only He could hold me and make it okay. Nothing can ever make it "right" but half a world away He cuddled the stuffed dog which has been in my family for over 100 years (it was my grandmother's). He went to His room, got it off His bed, and wrapped His arms around it as a surrogate for me. I buried my head into the pillow I have from His bed and sobbed and felt very very held. Thank You for all of the ways You hold space for me. Thank you for allowing me to see all of You. Thank You for trusting me. Thank You for giving a shit about things that hurt me, things that predate You. Thank You for never being annoyed with me when I have to bring those hurts to You.
I am definitely a strange one.... one of my favorite surprises is the time MstrJ took me out to Drumheller to see the Royal Tyrell Museum which houses a whole slew of fossils!
I don't know how many of you would volunteer to spend the day running around a museum or science center and actually stopping to read all of the signs... but for me, it's great fun!
After W/we spent hours walking around the museum W/we went for a hike up into the nearby Coulis.
Most of the results of Covid were terrible, no one can argue that. HOWEVER, one unexpected benefit of Covid was the ability to engage in a very specific type of discrete public play that would, otherwise, not have happened.
A longstanding fantasy of mine had revolved around MstrJ meeting me at the airport with a bag. What was in the bag did not matter to me at all, just a bag of whatever He desired. My job when I got to the airport was to go to the washroom and change into whatever was *in* the bag. Having no forewarding to time to mentally prepare. Now, I'm neurodivergent. Handling "surprises" is NOT something I typically enjoy. Part of this was a trust exercise. Part of it was to get me out of my logical headspace and into an altered one.
Last winter (2022) when I went to visit Him, He definitely liked that idea and agreed that that would be a ton of fun. So when He met me at the airport in the evening (that detail is important) He did indeed have a bag. Most of the items in the bag were actually things I'd picked out with Him and had sent before my arrival for winter. I have soft longjohns, snow pants, a very warm jacket, a sweater, a hat, scarf, and mittens set, warm socks and snowboots... but what was in the bag I did NOT know about were some interesting toys! I did not look at anything in the bag until I was sent to the washroom with my bag.
When I arrived in the bathroom I found 3 toys waiting at the bottom. #1 a plug (ok that's doable)
#2 made me sqwee with happy... (it has now become my favorite toy of all time), it was a remote control vibrator
Side note: HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!! This version has a phone app that does this???? *Looks at Him pleadingly* 0____0
ok where were we... oh yes! and then the star of today's blog...
#3. Now... when I SAW #3 I had some feelings. They went something like this OMGWTF,SD CKQNCQCMNQKNFK1FKLJBBFJF1JKBFEJBWHATHTEFUCKAM IGOINGTODOWITH THAT???? (My brain kinda melted and malfunctioned a bit. Then I focused on getting all the way dressed with the rest and then looked at #3 took a deep breath and put it where it belonged. Promptly put my hat and scarf on... took a look in the mirror to be sure that nothing was obvious and proceeded out of the washroom.
Two things became readily apparent #1 my glasses had to come off, they were fogging up so badly I could not see.
Secondly, drool was going to be a PROBLEM. I was very grateful for the scarf I was wearing or it would have been VERY clear to anyone around.
MstrJ checked in repeatedly as I got to Him, as W/we walked out to the van, as He helped me handle my seatbelt, as W/we drove... "are you ok?" "still green?" *nods nods*
On the way home He decided to stop U/us at Costco to grab a few things. As W/we walked in I grabbed the cart. W/we were halfway across the crosswalk when H/he hit the remote in His pocket. I am 100% sure that I screamed/moaned/jumped whatever. I sure as hell reacted. I gripped the cart and kept walking. He put His arm around my waist and grinned down at me. I think the mask was a blessing at that point or my face would have given the game away. He showed His membership card and W/we walked in. I was grateful to be out of the cold as I'd by now discovered problem #3 the cold + droool = fffffuuuuuucccckkkkkk that's cold!
He was having a time playing with the remote and I was grateful that He was actually steering me, because I was absolutely incapable of any rational thought or decision making. At one point I was simply hanging onto the cart for dear life as I lost all composure. He had steered us to the side wall of the store and luckily no one was around when I literally had to stand still and lean against Him hands gripping the cart for dear life begging absolutely incoherently due to the gag to be allowed to cum.
So now, looking back, this specific series of events is my #2 favorite "scene" of all time. I believe that the gag was instrumental in achieving that for me, and that would not have been possible without Covid. ^__^ look for the bright side, or at least make the most of interesting situations, eh?
my Everything, I miss You more than words can say. Thank You for all of the ways that You drive me crazy in the best ways. Thank You for listening to my own desires every bit as much as Yours. adore Your creativity. I adore Your mentality. I can not wait to get home to You to see what this summer brings!
I have a couple of ways I evaluate a man when I am first getting to know him. I will not share them all here, because that would defeat the purpose. However, I will discuss one. I have learned through experience the truth of the rule: "How a man will treat his parents is how he will treat his wife. How his mama treats his father and vice versa, most of the time that's the general range of what his relationship will be."
I've seen it for the better, I've seen it for the worse.
Remember a few blogs ago the boy whose father would bring his mom flowers when he got paid? They had the most beautiful relationship.
My first fiancée... his parents used to sit and hold hands in church after having been married for over 30 years. There was not a single thing wrong with my relationship with Adam. We would have been a fantastic couple, had I gotten out of my own way long enough to let that happen. Everything that went wrong was a combination of my own youth, misunderstandings about myself, and his misguided ideas born out of love not malice.
My first husband's parents had an AWFUL relationship. He was henpecked AF, and there was nothing loving or healthy in that household.... and I saw those same tendencies in my life.
My second husband had a very rocky relationship with his father, but worse I watched as his father was horribly neglected in his last years. I will not detail it here, but I still to this day cry because of the things I witnessed. Had I understood Arabic better at the time and understood the level of disrespect this woman showed to this man I would NEVER have married their son. I hear the indignation of some saying I shouldnt hold the son responsible for his mother's actions... but he never stopped it. He never stepped in He never ever tried to help... and later on I was on the receiving end of the same mentalities. (I did step in and actively attempt to help in the ways I could. I sat for hours upon hours with a soft bristle brush, Johnson's baby soap and baby oil cleaning his legs which had not been bathed in far far far too long. He was bedridden and could not care for himself) I did not understand that he was being told to "shut up a little" when he called for them. I only understood much later. ... How a man treats his family is how he will treat his partner (and probably holds true for women too)
It is very very very important to me to actively support MstrJ in his relationship with His family. It's very normal when children grow up that they move away and get busy with their lives and their own families and responsibilities. When W/we met it was the start of Covid and everything was locked down. We all know the toll this took on families and relationships. So when it came time to meet and go to His neck of the woods the first time, things were JUST starting to open up. His family had not been together together in YEARS. So I did what I do... and I came up with a plan. Kill 3 birds with one stone. I planned a huge family reunion for them. Most of them had never been to His home, many of them had not seen each other in years and were struggling to find a comfortable reason and way to reconnect, and finally serving Him in such a way that introducing me to His family was easy, logical, and brought Him honor. So W/we planned the First Annual (now semi-annual) MstrJ Birthday Bash.
I'm going to toot my own horn here for one minute:
IT WAS FUCKUNG FANTASTIC.
W/we had the whole family (over 25 people) broken out into teams and scrambled together so that adults were mixed with kids they didn't know well so they could bond. W/we had moms with their youngest so everyone felt comfy.
I got shirts made with a custom logo with everyone's name!
I organized a whole slew of games including a scavenger hunt that took them on foot all around His village (gave Him a chance to show off where He lived) gave the older guys a chance to show the littluns how to solve puzzles and got everyone active.
W/we had games like a water balloon fight and bobbing for apples!
It was incredible. Everyone had a great time from the youngest at a few months old right through to His dad, the Patriarch of the family.
I have soooooo many favorite memories from the event:
I had no idea how COMPETITIVE He is... but his mom outdoes Him! She is out for BLOOD man! At one point it was Him vs her on the bobbing for apples. I thought she was going to bite Him, she literally body checked Him out of the way ROFL! (She is what I'd call a sweet southern belle "Bless Your Heart" style if she was in the US) so this was VERY strange and comical!)
I loved seeing the grins on the older men's faces when they came in with the kids from the scavenger hunt with snow cones and ice creams! The men just grinning over having had a chance to spend time with the younger generation.
I loved seeing a few people take advantage of the "cool off/quiet room" I provided for people who needed an introvert breather.
Then when W/we were all enjoying the BBQ buffet lunch MstrJ and I put on His sister in law came over to inquire about the ring on my finger. She literally thought He had given it to me. I laughed and explained it's a family heirloom... but the reason it made me smile is because it was not said in a shocked/negative tone. "So, what is THIS?" she asks with a huge grin "Did NAME give it to you?"
Then my absolute favorite uncle of His walks over puts his arm around my neck and chimes in "So are you officially family now? Wait, no, scratch that, it doesn't matter. I claim you as family. You are my family." OMG I could not love that man more. <3
Later in the afternoon as all of the family is enjoying making smores and sitting by the firepit that W/we constructed together with stones W/we hauled down by hand from literally up a darn mountain (I'll write that one one day... but same mountain that houses Fun Rock)... they were having smores and same uncle asks: "SO have you ever had a Canadian Camp Pie?" Uh... a what? He grins and walks outside carrying a piece of equipment I've never seen in my life and comes back and introduces me to a BEAUTIFUL campfire cooked raspberry jam sandwich toasted over a fire in a doodad specifically made for that purpose. It was less the sandwich and more the fact that someone specifically went out of their way to include me.
At the end of the day all of those purposes were definitely achieved...
The family reconnected on a very meaningful level, and all of them had a chance to see people they have not seen in years even before covid.
MstrJ had the chance to show then His home, and they got a chance to have a house warming that they never had the chance to before.
He got a chance to show everyone that this relationship is healthy, happy, loving, and real; something that could not be said of past relationships. Actions speak louder than words.
W/we are discussing plans for this year's semiannual Birthday Bash. <3 I'm hoping it will actually be a weekend 2-3 day event which will see either both sides of the family or the other side of the family come down. I love expressing my love for Him this way. I love that He can make use of my talents this way. I love serving Him in a way that brings value and joy to Him and His family.
Thank You for making me a REAL part of Your life. Thank You for making me part of Your family. Thank You for allowing me to show You love in these ways. I love every single person in Your family, and I love the ways W/we can bring life and joy into O/our space.
Love of my Life, You know the picture I love post in the world is the one of You and Your siblings laughing. Please please never ever lose this picture. I want to keep it beside the one of my grandmother holding my mother as an infant, with my two aunts looking over her shoulder. This picture of You, because of all it represents, is among the most precious 5 things in the world to me. I'd love to make a framed version of it alongside the one Dad asked to take with You the day on the mountain when He said he was proud of You.... I'm so blessed and grateful for these memories.
I've gotten my fair share of very odd compliments in my life:
"Your moral compass is pointing due north and refuses to budge!" (said as a cutdown, but I consider it a compliment)
"There is nothing happy median about you, you are a balls to the walls, all out, CANNONBALL all in kinda girl."
"Did you ever consider for a second that YOU are the reward?" (discussing the use of the word "karma")
"You have been the test for more "Doms" than you know. Men get close to you, walk up to you, measure themselves and then walk away. You never know it happens, but they do."
These were said by people before MstrJ.
Before Him I had a very hard time accepting compliments. He had to do actual work to teach me how to hear them and accept them.
Before MstrJ I had to write them down in a book to hold onto them because I could not internalize them.
MstrJ has given me more compliments than I can ever write here, but I have a few favorites... the strangest one and the one I'd like to explain here is "I'd happily divorce her" said about me to several people on several occasions. Yes, I hear the almost audible WTF most of you just uttered. HOW is that a compliment?
Ok, it was not originally said to cause that reaction. It was a completely legitimate statement, and it is a reason He loves me.
Let me explain.
When W/we met W/we were actually both going through the end stages of respective divorces. Mine was messy AF and included a custody battle. His was ugly, if not messy.
I think this was the greatest gift W/we have been given.
I was witness to His behavior at the end of a marriage. I watched Him intentionally consider her needs moving forward. I listened to Him genuinely discuss what He needed and could do to set her up for potential success in her life, EVEN AT A COST TO HIM. This woman who had hurt Him DEEPLY. I was tiger GRRRRR pissed FOR Him. I wanted to rip her G/D head off! He was a gentleman at every step. I respected every decision. I even had a moment where I had to talk His father down and explain WHY He was doing what He was doing and why he should be proud of His son (and not try to browbeat Him into picking fights He didnt believe in). I'd go through a divorce with Him and trust that He would not be out for blood. It would suck. It would hurt... but I could divorce Him.
He was witness to the tail end of my divorce, especially the custody battle. He has seen how I handle parental issues with my daughter's father. He has seen what I will (and won't) do. He has seen how I communicate (and don't) how I'm honest but not transparent and the logic between those things. It is as a result of that that, when asked why He would consider marriage again, he replies: "I would happily divorce her". He then goes on to explain that He knows even when things are down and all hell has broken loose and everything is in tatters I'm not vengeful. I'm respectful. I'm not out for myself alone and I am not cruel or malicious. These things are not in me, no matter what someone has done to me. He trusts me with my future and His, not only in the best of times; but also if it does not work out.
Yep, W/we would happily divorce each other, and by that, we mean that Wwe can see a future together because if it were to end we know that it would not do so in flames and animosity, it would be terrible... it would be devastating. Neither of U/us wants that or can imagine any situation that would cause it to happen... but it is only because of this knowledge that W/we can truly say "I trust Y/you" not just in the good, but in the harder times too.
Here's to finding the O/one Y/you would happily divorce. ;)
Thank You for seeing me, for knowing me, for loving me, for being the Man worthy of my trust and respect. Hurry up forever, I am ready! (So long as the Love shall last.)
When you hear the same comment over and over from different sources over a period of time you have to begin to give it weight. One of the comments that makes MstrJ and I happiest has been repeated at least 2 times every time W/we are in the same place.
The first time W/we met in person it happened closer to 5x in the span of 10 days.
"There's just something so different and beautiful about your relationship!"
The waiter on our cruise made the comment that she wished she knew what it was, she could not believe that it was our first time meeting face to face. Then again on the same cruise a lovely husband and wife who offered us an important item W/we were missing. They didn't want us to waste a minute of our time searching for a shop to get more sunscreen and they had a spare. Actually when they found out W/we weren't married they asked if it was one of those "90 day fiancee things" (I had never even heard of the show) because they were just so convinced W/we looked and acted like a married couple.
When MstrJ came here my best friend and her husband took us out to dinner. Her comment was: "Why do I feel like I'm looking at two sides of the same person? You are the same! How does that happen?" (and then she promptly told me she'd kick my ass if I ever messed this up)
A couple standing in a line at a theme park have become fast friends of O/ours because they were just so taken with how W/we interacted with each other and with their kids.
etc etc etc
I think that's one of the greatest affirmations that W/we can get; when those around U/us who do not know U/us *feel* the energy W/we give each other and feel the warmth but the difference, a slightly different hue than the rest of couples put off. They do not know what that difference is, but they respond to it. They experience it as positive. THAT is powerful.
Thank You for Your energy. Thank You for being a man of honor. Thank You for being emotionally available and having a depth as deep as the ocean and just as wide. I miss Your arms so freaking badly. I can not wait to be home again. I can not wait to walk in the door and feel *HOME* again.
One of the things MstrJ and I spent time discussing early in O/our relationship was the concept of micro-rituals...
W/we both like the idea of small elements of everyday life which serve to remind U/us and ground U/us in O/our foundation of power dynamic. W/we have many micro-rituals, but one of the most important revolves around His shoes.
Every time W/we meet the trip itself is a process, a ritual, a negotiation. The whole time W/we are apart MstrJ keeps a notebook. There are many things in the notebook (there have been 3 going on 4 notebooks now)... but one part of it is plans. He jots down ideas about O/our relationship, scenes, ideas for the dynamic, hopes, aspirations... whatever. Then, when the girl gets on a plane He gives me the premise of the trip. He gives me the expectations, the mentality, and sometimes sets up the mentality behind a scene. It's also when W/we negotiate. Before that moment I never know what the premise of that trip will be... I never know the expectations. Questions are encouraged. Negotiation for my own wants, needs, hopes, and desires is encouraged.
The very first time I got on a plane the negotiations were SERIOUS man. W/we negotiated through every layover... some people have written out contracts, W/we do not. W/we do not use a pen to sign on the dotted line... instead W/we have shoes. I thought this was such a moment of brilliance. In the last minutes between when I got off my plane and He got off of His I read the last round of negotiations... "if you agree to this trial, and agree to this dynamic when you see Me, my shoe will be untied. Tying my shoe signifies your acceptance." So I found the place I was to wait and in the dead center next to the fountain at Orlando International Airport I sat in kneel and waited for shoes to show up in my line of sight. Eyes down, palms up... *wait* for one untied shoe. An old man who I SWEAR gave me a knowing smile asked if it was alright to occupy the bench nearest... I was alright with that. And I waited. Apparently MstrJ walked right past me at one point. I was doing discreet really well apparently (or He misjudged exactly how tiny and inconspicuous I'd be in that bustle)... eventually He found me, and I found the shoe. ... no, I did not tie it right away, actually I took His offered hand and sat to ask a few clarifying questions... and THEN I knelt back down to tie His shoe.
Every single time that MstrJ leaves the house I am the one to put His shoes on. First the right, then the left. make sure the tongue is straight and the back is in the right place. I know how tightly to pull the laces. Then, I wait with my hands on the tops of His shoes in a moment of recognition until He offers His hand. ... When He returns from work He finds me in kneel waiting on the mat He provides by the door. I wait to untie His shoes and remove them, then I place my head on His toes and take a moment for U/us both to recenter O/ourselves in that moment. He will wiggle His toes to signal me to kneel up and take His hand and then W/we hug *tight*.
YES that includes if W/we are out... now there is a variant of that which is far more discreet... though I'm sure it turns some heads or at least garners a scratch or two... even at His parents house, YES I tie His shoes. It's my priveledge... and it has nothing at all to do with the shoes and everything to do with U/us.
Over the years this tradition has added some new steps... at this point every pair of shoes that MstrJ wears aside from His work boots have been purchased by myself... and likewise all of my shoes have been purchased by Him. He is with me every step of the way, and I'm with Him.
Thank You for the gift of Your guidance. Thank You for intention. Thank You for all the ways You provide for me and allow me to be a partner to You.
I absolutely had a different post in mind for today, and then life happens and messages pop up out of nowhere and spin trains of thought around.
You can know something and not KNOW it. You can believe something and not BELIEVE it.
You can be committed to something or someone and then a situation comes up and smacks you in the face with the realization of just how COMMITTED you are (or potentially aren't).
Prior to MstrJ I've never had a moment of knowing something WAS... it's always been knowing it *WASNT*
I knew my relationship with my first husband was over... over over... when after we'd been separated for over a year, he went to touch an area of my chest and without a second thought I smacked his hand away. I knew in that instant it was 100% over.
I felt the moment any hope for a real relationship with my forever best friend died... I felt it like a sinking feeling. A cold knowledge of certainty. "How does it make you feel when you see me be submissive towards you?" "Not much to be honest... I mean it makes YOU giddy... so there's that." "But you get nothing out of it?" "No, not really". ..... "This isn't going to work is it?" "I'm thinking not." Well shit.
Then there's MstrJ and there have been a few moments of *knowing* ...
I knew the minute I "let Him in"
I have never been ok with people I dont care who, being around me when I'm having an aspergers meltdown. It's out of control. It's embarrassing. It's vulnerable. It's frightening. It's ugly. .... He knew I was not ok and called. I looked at the call and made a decision and answered. I couldn't talk. I couldn't communicate. All I could do was sit in a ball beside my couch in the corner and cry ugly uncontrolled tears. He waited. He cooked. He did whatever He did until I was able to communicate. Then He listened.
He didn't judge me. He didn't act annoyed. He didn't try to calm me down or make me feel like I was being dramatic. He also didn't help (and that's the RIGHT thing, because there is nothing to DO or HELP... it just is.) All He did was listen and exist and be ok with my not being okay. I knew then that I'd never hide again. I had let Him in.
I knew the minute that I truly trusted Him.
I don't ask for favors easily. I don't like to have expectations because they lead to disappointment. I don't like to ask for things because again... disappointment. I REALLY don't like to ask for things I NEED or WANT because then if I'm not heard or the answer is no, then it feels like a rejection that's important not just ... careless? There was a day that I found out my mom was 24 hours from being evicted from her home. She is going to be 80 in a few days. She is extremely handicapped and has been my whole life. We have been homeless three times in my life. I don't have much that would break me to lose... I keep everything *important* in a backpack, and I have to know where that backpack is at all times. I have exactly 5 things in my mom's house that would break my heart to lose.
MstrJ and I made plans, if needs be, to rent a truck and drive down to her home and solve it on a moment's notice. I knew then I could *need*... and it would be okay... it's okay for things to be inconvenient... it's okay for things to be important... it's safe. He isn't going to let me down.
I could tell you 100 stories of these realizations... but another one happened today. My last relationship ended VERY abruptly. It ended unexpectedly. It broke a part of me. I remember being on my knees beside my bed screaming at the top of my lungs into my pillow *I don't want to DO this again!* I don't want to let anyone in again! I CANT do this again! ... I felt absolutely broken. I felt completely incapable. I had given EVERYTHING every single ounce of my being to this person who surreptitiously dropped me 10 days before my final custody hearing. I couldn't DO more... I couldn't BE better. How can you DO more and BE better if you have given absolutely every single ounce of yourself?
*knife to my soul level stuff there*
It took a very long time for me to stop pining for this person. Actually it took someone here speaking very important words to me... He is no longer here, but someone with a background in things too old for most of you to know spoke words I could not argue with: "You have been released. You have only one more thing you can do to serve your Master... you can cry and wail and dishonor him... or you can stand up and go with dignity.. which will it be?" It took a long time for me to stop wishing that he would come back for me. Realize what a mistake he had made. Realize I was worth working for or fighting for... or waiting for... or whatever.
But then... rain in the desert.
Over the last four years I have learned that I was not getting what *I* needed. I was not being loved the way *I* needed. I learned that in that relationship maybe I HAD given everything I was... every last ounce of me... but that had not been returned. I've never had that returned, not even in a fraction. I learned what compatibility looks like, feels like.... I learned what it means to be LOVED.
.... and now that I do... I know I can never EVER accept anything less. I would not have wanted it. THANK GOD I was dropped. Thank GOD for unanswered prayers. Thank GOD for being found wanting because if I hadn't been... I'd have never known what love like rain in the desert feels like.
Thank You Master for loving me in all the ways You do. Thank you for every single freaking minute. Thank You for all of the ways You show up every single day. Thank You for trustworthiness. Thank You for patience. Thank You for care. Thank You for time. Thank You for understanding. Thank You for prioritizing me and my needs as much or more than I do Yours. Thank You for the gift of You. I pray I'm always worthy.