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Once you are made REAL

I, like the velveteen rabbit, have been made REAL. I have gone through the process of seeing my own truest self and nature. I know WHO I am, and that can never be taken from me.
I am a slave hearted submissive with a heart the size of the ocean and an emotional capacity wider than the sky.
I am a woman of Faith, though a believer of the truth and validity many religions.
I am a singer, a trained chef, and an amateur artist of no remarkable talent ^__^.
I am above all else; myself, the velveteen slave.
The Man who "made me Real" has moved on from the chapter of my life, however I will always remain with the deep and abiding understanding of who I am; for "once you are made real you can never be made unreal again."

This blog is a catalogue of my journey. It includes the lessons that I've learned while walking down my path. It serves to help me remember those lessons that I might retain them. It is my hope that it can provide insight to others as well, perhaps spark an understanding or a feeling of camaraderie.

~The Velveteen slave; Faith; His Mikayla{MstrJ}

*The girl accepted MstrJ's collar on 2/10/22 and her new name; Mikayla <3
1 month ago. May 12, 2024 at 6:04 PM

45!!!

Time is flying man!

 

I absolutely had a different post in mind for today, and then life happens and messages pop up out of nowhere and spin trains of thought around. 

 

You can know something and not KNOW it. You can believe something and not BELIEVE it. 

You can be committed to something or someone and then a situation comes up and smacks you in the face with the realization of just how COMMITTED you are (or potentially aren't). 

Prior to MstrJ I've never had a moment of knowing something WAS... it's always been knowing it *WASNT*

 

I knew my relationship with my first husband was over... over over... when after we'd been separated for over a year, he went to touch an area of my chest and without a second thought I smacked his hand away. I knew in that instant it was 100% over. 

 

I felt the moment any hope for a real relationship with my forever best friend died... I felt it like a sinking feeling. A cold knowledge of certainty. "How does it make you feel when you see me be submissive towards you?" "Not much to be honest... I mean it makes YOU giddy... so there's that." "But you get nothing out of it?" "No, not really". ..... "This isn't going to work is it?" "I'm thinking not." Well shit. 

Then there's MstrJ and there have been a few moments of *knowing* ...

I knew the minute I "let Him in"

I have never been ok with people I dont care who, being around me when I'm having an aspergers meltdown. It's out of control. It's embarrassing. It's vulnerable. It's frightening. It's ugly. .... He knew I was not ok and called. I looked at the call and made a decision and answered. I couldn't talk. I couldn't communicate. All I could do was sit in a ball beside my couch in the corner and cry ugly uncontrolled tears. He waited. He cooked. He did whatever He did until I was able to communicate. Then He listened. 

He didn't judge me. He didn't act annoyed. He didn't try to calm me down or make me feel like I was being dramatic. He also didn't help (and that's the RIGHT thing, because there is nothing to DO or HELP... it just is.) All He did was listen and exist and be ok with my not being okay. I knew then that I'd never hide again. I had let Him in. 

 

I knew the minute that I truly trusted Him. 

I don't ask for favors easily. I don't like to have expectations because they lead to disappointment. I don't like to ask for things because again... disappointment. I REALLY don't like to ask for things I NEED or WANT because then if I'm not heard or the answer is no, then it feels like a rejection that's important not just ... careless? There was a day that I found out my mom was 24 hours from being evicted from her home. She is going to be 80 in a few days. She is extremely handicapped and has been my whole life. We have been homeless three times in my life. I don't have much that would break me to lose... I keep everything *important* in a backpack, and I have to know where that backpack is at all times. I have exactly 5 things in my mom's house that would break my heart to lose. 

MstrJ and I made plans, if needs be, to rent a truck and drive down to her home and solve it on a moment's notice. I knew then I could *need*... and it would be okay... it's okay for things to be inconvenient... it's okay for things to be important... it's safe. He isn't going to let me down. 

 

I could tell you 100 stories of these realizations... but another one happened today. My last relationship ended VERY abruptly. It ended unexpectedly. It broke a part of me. I remember being on my knees beside my bed screaming at the top of my lungs into my pillow *I don't want to DO this again!* I don't want to let anyone in again! I CANT do this again! ... I felt absolutely broken. I felt completely incapable. I had given EVERYTHING every single ounce of my being to this person who surreptitiously dropped me 10 days before my final custody hearing. I couldn't DO more... I couldn't BE better. How can you DO more and BE better if you have given absolutely every single ounce of yourself? 

*knife to my soul level stuff there*

It took a very long time for me to stop pining for this person. Actually it took someone here speaking very important words to me... He is no longer here, but someone with a background in things too old for most of you to know spoke words I could not argue with: "You have been released. You have only one more thing you can do to serve your Master... you can cry and wail and dishonor him... or you can stand up and go with dignity.. which will it be?" It took a long time for me to stop wishing that he would come back for me. Realize what a mistake he had made. Realize I was worth working for or fighting for... or waiting for... or whatever. 

 

But then... rain in the desert. 

Over the last four years I have learned that I was not getting what *I* needed. I was not being loved the way *I* needed. I learned that in that relationship maybe I HAD given everything I was... every last ounce of me... but that had not been returned. I've never had that returned, not even in a fraction. I learned what compatibility looks like, feels like.... I learned what it means to be LOVED. 

 

.... and now that  I do... I know I can never EVER accept anything less. I would not have wanted it. THANK GOD I was dropped. Thank GOD for unanswered prayers. Thank GOD for being found wanting because if I hadn't been... I'd have never known what love like rain in the desert feels like. 

 

Thank You Master for loving me in all the ways You do. Thank you for every single freaking minute. Thank You for all of the ways You show up every single day. Thank You for trustworthiness. Thank You for patience. Thank You for care. Thank You for time. Thank You for understanding. Thank You for prioritizing me and my needs as much or more than I do Yours. Thank You for the gift of You. I pray I'm always worthy.

 

 

His slaveMikayla

https://i.pinimg.com/564x/dc/cd/60/dccd60bbcebfa01997bb9ff6f54a29ee.jpg

 

1 month ago. May 11, 2024 at 7:41 AM

46!!!

I couldn't decide which way to go today so I'm going to give a twofer: 

 

Feeling WANTED. 

MstrJ constantly credits me with teaching Him to be self aware. He will tell you that before me this is probably the one area of His life most in need of improvement. I'd say it goes both ways. I was self aware to a degree, (it's a never ending process) but I have been able to identify a ton of areas and "truths" or "learned truths" in my life from my communication and experiences with Him. One of the most significant areas that I've identified in myself is that I deeply deeply crave feeling "wanted" "needed" "desired" "intended" and "planned for". They all are interrelated and speak to the same deep core need of mine. I'm going to, for once, leave the emotional side and simply speak to the physical. This is new territory for me because I identify as sex positive asexual. I'm not going to go into all the details of misconceptions about this *here*, but I will come back and post a link to my previous blogs explaining what that does and doesn't mean. In any case, desire to be desired is new awareness for me. Actually, throughout my life it's something I've actively distanced myself from. I didn't know that it turns out I was scared of it inside myself. I was afraid of wanting to be wanted. No, that doesn't mean I'm magically not asexual. I still am. What I do know though is that my biggest "inroad" to feeling attraction is being attracted to someone emotionally, and there is indeed a sideroad which is being made very aware that someone whom I'm already emotionally attracted to sincerely "wants" me. Insta *turn on* for me. 

Sooooo... thank You for wanting me. Thank You for grabby hands. Thank You for all the ways You show up and make me feel special, seen, desired, and owned. 

 

https://pictures.hentai-foundry.com/s/Sparrow/353639/Sparrow-353639-Fucking_Bag.jpg

 

 

 

 

ahhem..... and now back to more.... typical "me" programing...

He keeps His word. He keeps His promises. *ALWAYS*. He means what He says and He says what He means and He never ever forgets. 

One of the very first things W/we had to deal with is the anxiety I was living through after having had multiple people just *poof* from my life. It was something that happened over and over and over. I would wake up each day and have a mild anxiety attack before opening my phone for fear of what I'd find. How the world would have changed while I slept. 

I had also just gone through a terrible ending of a dynamic where in the span of 2 weeks I had had tickets paid for to go and see him... we had been looking at houses for Godsake! And then within 2 weeks the relationship was just *over*. Nothing I'd done, nothing I'd screwed up... just life. 

So MstrJ made me a promise; the first promise He ever made: "I promise you will see My face and hear My voice every single day. Some days it will be for a long time, as W/we can. Some days it will just be for a minute as life gets busy... but I promise you will see Me every day. I will do whatever I can to make that happen." Every. Single. Day. When He is busy at work... He still finds the time when He gets home. When He is out with family, He still finds the time. It is not at all always easy, but He finds the time to keep His promises. i think this is perhaps the most important thing He has ever done to earn my devotion. I can tell you that if He were to miss a day, I would no longer feel fear or panic, or even feel let down. I would understand... I would not hold it against Him... but the fact that HE holds HIMSELF accountable for it is what makes Him the Man He is. I' lucky. I'm so freaking lucky. 

 

Thank You Master for all of the ways You make me feel lucky every single day. 

His slaveMikayla

 

 

1 month ago. May 10, 2024 at 9:10 AM

47!

Pills, Bills, and reality. 

MstrJ has seen me through huge wins and some pretty deep lows. He says that He won the genetic lottery. He is "average" in every single way. He has rarely ever been sick, aside from needing one minor surgery long before He knew me. I think He has caught the flu twice since I have known Him, and has caught tonsilitis (from me) Whoops! 

He managed to catch Covid at the exact perfect time before O/our first trip, such that He got a Dr note saying He was recovered, but it also exempted Him from needing to have testing moving from place to place. 

 

I on the other hand am a mess medically. When W/we met I was going through some pretty serious stuff which has since resolved. Over time things have popped up on occasion. I get recurrant shingles on my hand which is *really special*. I have recovered from sarcoidosis in my lungs. I've had various broken bones. Constant colds and flus, and pneumonia because of my lung scarring. There have been times i have carried SERIOUS guilt over all the medical junk He has had to deal with. 

 

Then He does what He does and makes me love Him even more. 

About two years ago now W/we found out that I have gastroparesis which literally means paralyzed stomach. My physical stomach does not contract to do mechanical digestion as it should. A huge amount of my weight gain before was due to the trickle down effect of that. It took a lot of coming to grips with the fact that I *shouldn't* eat a lot of things. I cant have fiber. I have to stay away from a lot of veggies and fruits. I shouldn't actually eat protein that needs that mechanical digestion. There is a really high liklihood that someday I'll end up with a feeding tube when my stomach can't cope anymore. It's like a 70% chance. W/we bonded over a love of food and cooking! 

So in one of my lower moments I cried and told Him that it would be so annoying for Him to have to see me eat basically blended stuff every single day, every single meal of my life. My dinner most nights is I cook onion, garlic, and some veggie until soft, then add a stock and blend it until completely smooth and eat that with a simple carb because that's what's safe for me to eat. Not very exciting! 

His response was just so perfectly Him... "My girl, if it comes to that... I'll cook for you, and you cook for Me." 

omg I cried so hard our of gratitude for all that statement entails. It would have been typical for most to just say: "Meh, what you eat doesn't relate to me... as long as you cook awesome food for me, no harm no foul." But no... that isn't how He thinks. "I'll cook for you" ... and I know very well that the reason He noted I'd still cook for Him is because it gives me my outlet for creativity. I LOVE to cook amazing food. I LOVE to spend hours planning a meal and executing it so that when He walks in the door He is greeted with the scent of it and can't wait to make it upstairs to His table to see what is waiting. It is a huge part of how I express my love. 

 

Thank You for loving me. Thank You for pills, bills, gastroparesis, and everything real. 

 

His slaveMikayla

 

1 month ago. May 9, 2024 at 2:54 PM

48 days!!!!

One of the ideas my mom instilled in me when I began dating was that it's very important to see how you work with your Partner. When I was in High School by long term boyfriend used to come over every Friday and I'd cook family dinner. Saturday he came over and we would do a project around the house, then Sunday I'd go to church with him and his family. This was a "healthy" routine. That boy's father and mother were very on board with teaching us "healthy" in their way too. I would babysit his little sister and be his sparring partner. I was welcome and encouraged to attend sporting events with them. His dad had a tradition, every time he got paid he would pick up a bunch of flowers for his mom... and when Joe and I had been together a year his father insisted that he do the same. So dad and son would pick up flowers together and drop mine off to me on the way home to give his mom hers. It was a really amazing way to learn what a relationship should look like from all sides. 

 

Fast forward to MstrJ, and e has a very similar mentality. One of the things W/we have enjoyed over our time together was seeing how well W/we work together. Our first project was when I had an issue with my door closing. It just *wouldn't*. It was not a safety concern, but it was letting the cold in, and we have no central heating and air. He had me place the camera so He could look at it, and He managed to figure out the problem from literally halfway around the globe. 

The first time W/we saw each other in person He helped me fix the faucet in my mom's bathroom. My mom can be a HANDFUL, so the fact that He was able to not only navigate HER, but then W/we were able to do this project without wanting to kick something was *impressive*. In Hs home W/we have reupholstered His sofa as a first project and more impressively W/we have taken down, refurbished, repainted, and replaced His back fence. ^__^ 

 

That last job was immensely rewarding. W/we did it with the help of His parents, and working with them had in the past been a challenge. His dad is a perfectionist to the extreme. When MstrJ and I met working with His dad was something He struggled with, but over time it's something He has had some rewarding experiences with now. I think the time we all spent as a family on this project also showed them a lot about me and U/us. 

 

Thank You for working with me, and allowing me to work alongside You. I love O/our projects. I love the memories they create. I love walking home through the back lane and seeing the fence. <3 I can't wait to plant back there this summer! <3 

 

What is O/our next project? 

~His slaveMikayla~

 

 

1 month ago. May 8, 2024 at 6:59 PM

under 50 days!!!! Whoohoo!

Sadly, this one will be brief as time is running short today. 

I've had a very productive day. Woke at 4am to bike (15 km) and "meet" Master after He got home from work. Had some lovely conversations, watched an episode of a show W/we are enjoying together... went to work and had 7 out of 8 classes (that is insane btw) ran home, cooked for kiddo, cleaned house and ran out to the Dr. Got back and did homework. Biked another 20 km and just put her down to bed. I've cooked what He picked for today (ginger, onion, garlic, and carrot soup with a bit of browned noodles and the "oldest bread in the world") No, not mouldy oldie... the first type that still exists and is made today. 

 

And now I sit to write. As I was on my bike I ran through dozens of memories... how to pick what to write about today. I settled on "I LOFF you!" and Peanut Butter. 

My forever best friend used to have a rule against saying "I love you" ... now the particulars of the rule do not matter, what matters is the sentiment. Bill doesn't want it ever to be said rote. People say it for the wrong reasons, and it loses all meaning; according to him. I know that for a part of my life he wasn't wrong. I never said it rote, but I certainly said it for the wrong reasons. Don't get me wrong... I always always meant it, but most times I said it when I needed to hear it. Instead of asking "Do you love me?" I'd say it to reassure myself. 

I never realized how deep my empty love o meter was. I used to love people the way I needed to be loved. I never really understood how much I was not getting back... that is until Him. One day I described Him as rain in the desert. He loves me back in the ways that I never understood I desperately needed. Not by constantly saying "I love you" but by showing me every single day with His time, His care, His understanding, His noticing, His words, and His actions. I could write a book to explain how He loves me. There are days that go by when W/we don't say "I love you" but I never feel that need to say it just to hear it back.... and when He does say it damn it rings loudly. Last night He came home and told me how much He Loffs me ... and it's the first time He has said it that way, and I smiled because I knew exactly what He meant and it meant the world to me. 

One of my FAVORITE ways He has told me "I Love You" was in peanut butter. I'd been on a diet for YEARS, and one of my favorite things in the world next to RootBeer is Peanut Butter. Again, can't get it here easily... it's possible, but it would cost a small fortune. When I got to His space after a few days when I was rooting around the kitchen cabinets looking for ingredients to cook with I came across a GIANT jar of peanut Butter... and when opened I literally started to cry. MstrJ had taken a knife and carefully carved a heart inside the brand new jar... and then written inside "I love you" .... take a minute to think all the levels through there.... He went out and before I got there bought me a giant tub of Peanut Butter ... then instead of just leaving it in the open or handing it to me as a present... he took the time to carefully carve that message inside and then put it away just so I'd have the moment of "finding" it. One of my biggest regrets is that I do not have a picture of it. I used to carefully scoop allllll around the edges of it to avoid "ruining" it... until one day there was no way to get around it anymore... so I decided to honor it by making peanut butter cookies (He very much approved when He came home to a huge plate of them ... as did His coworkers the next day). 

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/rIHGTXd9OGU

 

 

You show me love every single day in a million small and large ways. I fucking Loff You too my Master. 49 days!!!! 

His slaveMikayla

 

1 month ago. May 7, 2024 at 3:11 PM

W/we have so many amazing memories that i know I will never get through even a smidgeon of them... but today when I was on my bike thinking over what to write.. (tied up car ride... gagged Costco fun.... etc etc) my mind stopped on one and I decided, yes... this is the one for today!

The first time I got to visit Him my flight was delayed. I ended up being in transit for closer to two days than the usual 36 hrs. I didn't get much sleep in the airports, too wound, and hoping that I'd magic my way onto an earlier flight. No such luck. My plane landed at 4am rather than 10pm...but it worked out for the best in the end. See, W/we are great at rolling with things. Had my plane landed at 10pm He'd have had some form of snack for me and then W/we'd have headed home. I wouldnt have seen much of anything and would likely have just passed out asleep. However, this way was so much better! He suggested that W/we make a stop at A&W (He knows that I have a tradition of buying a Rootbeer first thing I land Stateside, because it's impossible to get here)... and W/we could grab breakfast. Then He had an idea to take me on a quick hike first thing in the morning. One of the first conversations W/we had was when He was going to go hiking with a friend. On the way, they stopped halfway up a mountain and built an inukshuk. Over the years He has gone back to check on it... and this time He took me along to see it. So W/we decided to go hiking at 5am my first morning in Canada after two days of flying. Partway up the mountain right off the main trail there is a place to stop and take a rest at a GIANT but remarkably flat boulder. Weeeeeeellllllll.... W/we put the bounder to decidedly better use than "resting" and redubbed it "fun rock" henceforth. I adore this memory for all of the levels... I love it for discrete but slightly risky public play. I love it because of the thoughtfulness of A&W. I love it because that is just so me to be like "hell yeah I'll go hiking at 5am after 2 days of travel! Why not!" I love it for the inukshuk and His wanting to share it with me. I love it for the conversations up and down the mountain. I love it because every time W/we go back W/we look at "fun rock" and grin, yes, including the time W/we took His parents on that self same hike and all stopped to rest at "fun rock" ^___^. 

 

Can W/we go back again this year? Maybe make it all the way to the top? 

 

His slaveMikayla

1 month ago. May 6, 2024 at 6:37 PM

One of the threads that has run through our relationship has been dancing. 

Lots of D types have ways of guaging potential partner's comfort levels. I've had a D type ask me to watch a video that was the most boring thing I've ever seen IN MY LIFE and give me a literal test on it. I think the point was to guage intelligence and willingness to obey? I did it, but that particular video turned into a favorite punishment of his....

I've had someone else give a questionaire... and then he annotated my answers. (I did kinda love that one)

But MstrJ wanted to dance. So one of the first things He did was get comfortable and throw on some music. A couple of days later He sent me a video that I still cherish. Covid lockdown was full swing, but he and some "buddies" were not having it put a damper on their favorite annual event. So they threw a socially distanced neighborhood block party. They came up with games and a rotation that kept folks within their "bubbles" but still allowed some fun... and then He sent me a video of Him dancing in the middle of the street. Not a care in the world. I think the thing that pulled at my heart strings was He called me by name, after having barely known me. Nothing hidden. No Ego... no games... just *Him*. 

What He didn't know was that was a move I myself consider a favorite of mine. 

 

My favorite memory of dancing comes from O/our first trip together. W/we were visiting my home town and there is a beautiful bakery on Front Street right next to the lake. W/we were sitting eating macarons and coffee on our last morning there when a lovely song came over the sound system. He decided to put out His hand right then and there and ask me to dance. <3 

Nothing fancy, just a little slow dance in a corner... but once again, it's the way He makes me feel so special when W/we are together. It's like nothing and no one else matters. No Ego... just U/us. 

So now there is a sign in O/our kitchen: "In this Kitchen W/we Dance" .... 

 

Thank You for dancing with me Master. Thank You for all of the times and ways You dance with me. 

 

~His slaveMikayla. 

^what I want for U/us

^how I hope You see me

 

^how I see You. 

 

1 month ago. May 5, 2024 at 9:08 PM

The next 50 days I'm intending to take the time to share 1 of my favorite memories every day. Some memories will be sweet, some funny, some serious, some sexy... most vanilla some more interesting.... there will be no rhyme or reason, just what hits me on the day. 

The first important conversation W/we ever had was after one of our very first "dates". W/we met during Covid when the world was shut down. I think W/we partly owe our relationship to it. I think if the world had been "normal" W/we would not have happened. As it stood, He wrote to me because He liked what I had written here. W/we wrote back and forth for a little bit, and I decided to vet Him by inviting Him to a kinky karaoke event. After one of the first weeks W/we stayed after to continue a conversation with another attendee. I really don't remember WHO started the conversation, but it was me and 4 other Domly dudes discussing objectification. One of them was discussing a workshop given by Lee Harrington entitled Lost Object, Hidden Object, Object of Desire. This set of a fantastic impromptu round table discussion by us A/all and then MstrJ and I stayed after for HOURS to continue the conversation. It was really important for me because I had been trying to put into words an element of my own wants and needs that I had not yet found words for. 

This memory holds importance for me as a person, but also for the relationship as a whole. This conversation was a moment to lay the groundwork not only for finding common ground, but for acknowledging that W/we are all works in progress learning ourselves... it was really a moment of building trust. I also love how open You were to learning new things, new approaches, and different ways of viewing activities. I love that I got to have that moment of finally being able to put WORDS to a feeling. 

 

 

https://www.kinkacademy.com/instructor/lee-harrington/

^one of the funniest bits I've ever seen happens to also be by Lee Harrington. I still have yet to be able to attend the aforementioned workshop... *someday*. 

 

His slaveMikayla

 

 

1 month ago. May 5, 2024 at 7:31 AM

This is going to be an interesting one to write. I'm not sure if anyone will be able to understand where it's coming from, but that's okay. I also will probably write a second one more on topic with current life later in the day. 

 

A lot of people around here seem to be dealing with the fallout from some fake people. It's going to happen. It's life online. It's a threat we all know, and we accept as part and parcel of dealing with folks online. I have a man I respect DEEPLY on here who used to teach me: " Believe nothing until you are close enough to see the whites of their LIES." I have another dear Man who used to teach me about how we "Write our own script", because so much of interaction is missed in type alone we fill in the blanks, and it's totally unfair. Sometimes they aren't lies, or intended diversions, sometimes it's just us doing it ourselves... either with what we fear, who we ourselves are, or what we WANT to experience. Point is, we have all dealt with it, or will deal with it. It's life. 

 

One of the hardest moments of my life was when I had been pulled back and forth through the wringer by someone for over 3 years. The person came and left out of my life over and over. I'm not going to talk about most of it, but I DO want to talk about one thing today... when I found out that the person had been married the whole time (and I had seen this man on camera for HUNDREDS of hours.... HUNDREDS!! When I had seen this man at work. I had seen this man art home. I had seen this man with friends. What the fuck more could I have DONE to be sure he was real? I had shared so much of my life with him. He knew my kiddo (side note, I accepted dismissive behavior from him that I judge myself for STILL with regard to this. THIS was the redflag I missed.) He knew my real life concerns. I was dealing with big real medical terror at the time... and I thought he was too. I was TOLD he was coping with some very frightening medical conditions with very serious potential consequences. I found out in the end that none of that was real or true. It really hurt me. I cried HARD to my Domme Momma at the time because I just *couldn't* wrap my head around WHY. WHY did this man do it? What the fuck was he getting out of it? WHY did he keep coming back? Just to torture me? I don't understand people like that. 

 

She told me the thing that I want to share today. She told me that there is a probability that he kept doing this because he WANTED to be the man he portrayed himself to be with me. Some part of me he WANTED to be the good, kind, supportive man that he presented himself as. PART of him WANTED the life he promised and envisioned with me. She said that he left when he was so disgusted with himself at his own lies and that he couldn't keep doing it to a "good woman" and he would try to leave because he couldn't live with himself. Then he would come back because he grieved what he lost. What he could never be or have. 

 

In the end I don't know if she had it right... or if it was just one more mercy. It's easier for me to believe that some part of him wanted to be that man. That some part of him was not so fucking evil that he would lie about cancer, lie about a history of abuse, lie about allllllll the things he lied about. It's easier for me to believe that some inner deep kernel of truth existed. Maybe it's also easier for me to believe that I'm not that stupid too... that I'm not that easily manipulated; ad that I didn't waste years of my life. 

 

When we find out that someone played us, or hurt us, lied to us, fucked us over... it's really easy to live in the anger and hate for a while.... but for me, that did not give me peace. It just made ME angry. The peace came from accepting that I could pitty this man in the end. How sad that they feel so trapped in their own life that they have to turn to this? How SAD that they can't take steps forward, do the harder thing... and CHANGE? I had to learn the lesson a second time. In the very real and serious relationship just after I faced it all over again. No, he did not lie to me. He was completely straightforward. I knew every reality from minute one, but again, in the end the person could not take the hard steps to turn "fantasy life" into reality. When the chips were down the person balked and walked away. I think that moment was made one level easier for me because of this lesson: instead of assuming that it was all bullshit I understood: No, he WANTED this... but he was too scared to do the hard work to make it real. That's a him thing. 

To people who are living the fantasy... please, stop wasting people's time, energy, and emotions. You're being unfair. Go read a book or play a game or something to live out your fantasies... or better yet, do the actual hard work to change your life and make it what you want. 

 

Thank you to all the real folks who do the work to make their lives real. To do the hard work to live actual life authentically. NOTHING in life is easy, but living this lifestyle day in and day out with authenticity, honor, honesty, and consistency is HARD. 

Thank You my Master for all the hard work You have done, and are doing to make life for us. I can't wait to be home in 52 days! I can't wait to throw my arms around You and then immediately bend down and tie Your shoe. I can't wait to cook for and with You. I can't wait to change the sheets. I can't wait to say "Hi" to everyone in town. I can't wait to caddy for You. I'm sorry that You aren't working nights anymore, because campouts in the van were actually fun. I can't wait to go see the inukshuk. I actually have something I want to leave at it. I can't wait to have fires in our backyard. I want to put in the hammock this year! I want to garden this year. I want to reorganize the garage and the basement workshop... and maybe the room under the stairs? I just want to come home. Thank You for all the ways You are 100000% real, and let's call it what it is: That is not easy. It would be so much easier for You to find someone closer. It would be so much easier for you to start Your life *right now*. Thank You for picking the harder path. I will make it worth Your while. <3

 

His slaveMikayla. 

You know my motives
You know my heart
No matter what I'm doin'
You see my secrets
Right through the dark
Who do I think I'm foolin'?
You watch me runnin'
You let me hide
'Cause You know where I'm goin'...to
Seeking me
Reaching me
Keeping me in Your care, Lord
I can't escape it
You don't miss a thing I do
You see every move I make
But You know everything I need
You don't let a care get by You
You don't miss a thing, do you?
When my heart's broken
You dry my tears
'Cause You know what I'm feelin'
When I am frozen
You melt my fears
Your gentle love is healing
You feed my hunger
You quench my thirst
'Cause You are my provider
Leading me
Teaching me
Keeping me in Your care, Lord
I can't escape it
You don't miss a thing I do
You see every move I make
You know everything I need
You don't let a dare get by You
You hear every word I say
I will never go unnoticed
'Cause You don't miss a thing, do You?
(repeat)
You don't miss a thing...No, no, no...
1 month ago. April 29, 2024 at 2:07 PM

For quite some time now I've been fairly silent. There hasn't been much important to share, at least not with anyone I don't personally know. Being in a well established dynamic is a bit like that: in the beginning there is a slew of things to learn. Lots to accommodate to. In the finding and starting there is a lot to potentially share with the peanut gallery, because that part is exciting. As life moves forward things tend to smooth out. There are the odd ups and downs, but they are normal life things, if you are lucky. 

That's where MstrJ and I have been for a few years now. We are comfortable. We know exactly what the other needs, wants, and expects. Yes, things change from time to time, but W/we communicate through those things and life moves on fairly easily. Nothing really exciting for anyone else, nothing worth sharing, nothing that would matter to anyone else. 

 

Then W/we hit upon a topic and decide, yes, this is worth sharing. So for a while there might be more from me here. When I met MstrJ it was not "love at first sight" .. it was not "trust at first sight" hell, I took some convincing to believe it was worth a shot. This is not a knock to him, and it is VERY relevant to the topic. See, I'm 7 years older than my Master. Small potatoes in the grand scheme of things... but at the same time, when W/we met I didn't see it that way. Being the older of the two I was also at a different stage in my life: I was divorced with a kiddo (two actually). He had never had children. He was just getting out of his marriage, and hadn't even really begun the divorce process (no I'm not a homewrecker, they were done, just had to wait the requisite time to do the legalities). Looking back on it I feel ridiculous, but at the time I truly looked at his "situation" and thought "I'm not sure what He has to teach me." <<< I WAS WRONG. 

Still, it was a while before I was absolutely convinced that He was someone I could follow. Someone who absolutely could lead me. Someone who was up for all that came with me. 

We have spent some years now in that wonderful comfortable place of feeling very compatible. 

 

A secondary thread has been a constant in our relationship... many family members in close proximity to U/us have a similar or slightly larger age gap. In some cases the male is older, in others the female. In each case the younger one has taken the time to sit MstrJ down and have a "heart to heart" about what that really means. Again, I'm ONLY 7 years older... but still... apparently they felt the need to "discuss it". I believe with all my heart that every single person has meant the best, most times I think they were talking through their own relationship struggles not even really aiming them at U/us. I never took it to heart. I never took it personally. W/we have talked about it over and over, and O/our usual fall back has been that W/we do not expect to do EVERYTHING together. W/we do not expect to NEVER change. Quite the opposite. W/we encourage E/each other to have other outside relationships and interests. W/we encourage change and reevaluation, and W/we communicate about those thoughts so that W/we can navigate O/our paths together. 

 

Last week I was sitting for a moment and it hit me like a freight train... when I get home for my birthday I'm going to be 40. ....... It was like a stupid movie scene... trite. I was in high school just barely over 20 years ago... in 20 more years I'll be retired??? Middle Age. When the fuck did that happen? I don't know if that thought really "hits" other people, or if I'm just that cliche, but it did hit me. It knocked me for a mental loop. That same week I was on vacation at a resort on the sea, running up and down 5 flights of stairs 4 hours at a time over and over to do waterslides. I was there the minute they opened, I was the last one to close them down. Every. Single. Day. 

I took dance lessons and did aerobics and step and and and. I'm NOT slowing down. How the hell am I 40? 

Then the last day came, the day after the step aerobics class and damn if my knees didn't hurt. Yes, I pushed through it because I was NOT missing out on the waterslides, but they hurt. No denying it. Fuck 40. 

 

So a few days ago I asked MstrJ a question: "Do you think it's going to be a problem? Does it phase You?" This is the communication He loves me for. This is what works for U/us. 

Then He did what I love Him for... what I have learned to trust Him for. He got quiet and thought, and then admitted that it has crossed His mind. *Hold your horses, and put down the pitchforks... just wait*

He admitted that the conversations with the family members do play in the back of His mind. He admitted that when He hears the stories of frustration at the physical inability to keep up, and the emotional changes... and yes even the changes to physical intimacy changes it makes Him think. ........ That sucked to hear, but at the same time, it's reassuring. What would i rather? a polite lie? someone who doesn't stop to CONSIDER? Hell no. Ignorance of the self is not useful. It's unfair, and pointless. 

 

I had to sit with that a little bit... and this is how I responded the next morning: (copy pasted with permission from MstrJ)

 "Ok.... I'm going to plead my case... but I dont want you to read this thinking I'm trying to change any feelings. but I want and think I need to say it. Please dont read it till you are with me.
You love me for my mind. You love me for my heart. You love me because I'm consistent and honest and constant as the day is long. You love me for my nature as a woman, a human, a lover, a submissive, and a mother. You love me for how I support You, but how I ultimately listen to You. You love me for how I support Your friends, passions, family, and Your dreams. .... none of these things could change when I'm 40, 50, 60, 90.... these are not age/state dependent. THAT is why You love me
THAT is why it won't change. THAT is why I should not be afraid.
You want me for things that are state based. You want my big tits. My curvy sexiness. My beautiful hair... You enjoy my energy. my fun spirit. My happiness and joy and ability to play. Those arent the reasons You LOVE me... they are reasons You want me.
Those all might change... not in a year or even 5... but 15... 20? maybe?
I could get into an accident tomorrow. I could get cancer or diabetes like ***person related to Him*** (I have no family history) ... but who I am and all the reasons You love me would still not change.
I hope that when the time comes that you have to make decisions and "reconsider" that this is what you remember, and then every single day You wake up and decide that there is no decision to make, that You are lucky to have found me and lucky to be in love with me and lucky that You are the man I fucking adore with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and spirit. .... and then come and find me to hug the shit out of me .... and do it all over again the next day."

 

When it was read, W/we sat together and He acknowledged that all of that was exactly correct. Then He added some more. 

 

So for a little while I might have some more to write, because now W/we are entering a different stage of things. W/we are going to explore some of the ways O/our relationship changes with age. I know I'm "in the middle." There are a whole slew of submissives who are young sexy things, and there are a whole group of mature amazing submissives who have already trodden this road. I'm open to advice. I'm listening. What do I need to know. What do I need to think about? What are the pitfalls I can not anticipate? What advice do you wish someone had gicen you that looking back could have saved you grief? 

 

Thank You for walking through all of these stages with me. Thank You for loving me for trait based reasons not state based ones. Thank You for walking these paths with me, and for open honest communication. Thank You for promising to guide U/us through this as through all things. I respect You with all of my being.  Thank You for being the greatest Man I've ever known and being worthy of that respect. 

 

His slave Mikayla 

 

PS... today's win... one of my graduating seniors walks up to me and says "I've finally found the next book I need to read: The Little Prince. To which I about died of happy and then tasked her with reading it with her.... person...another of my favorite humans (and my student as well)... and then to talk to me about their takeaways. That is winning. 

 

 

apparently I get to go to the most beautiful place on Earth this summer. The place I had a picture of, but never knew where it was. I can't wait for these memories. I can't wait to explore with You. I can't wait for our adventures!