Once you are made REAL

41!

Oh my gosh, It was just 50 and now it's 41! 

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I have a couple of ways I evaluate a man when I am first getting to know him. I will not share them all here, because that would defeat the purpose. However, I will discuss one. I have learned through experience the truth of the rule: "How a man will treat his parents is how he will treat his wife. How his mama treats his father and vice versa, most of the time that's the general range of what his relationship will be." 

I've seen it for the better, I've seen it for the worse. 

Remember a few blogs ago the boy whose father would bring his mom flowers when he got paid? They had the most beautiful relationship. 

My first fiancée... his parents used to sit and hold hands in church after having been married for over 30 years. There was not a single thing wrong with my relationship with Adam. We would have been a fantastic couple, had I gotten out of my own way long enough to let that happen. Everything that went wrong was a combination of my own youth, misunderstandings about myself, and his misguided ideas born out of love not malice. 

My first husband's parents had an AWFUL relationship. He was henpecked AF, and there was nothing loving or healthy in that household.... and I saw those same tendencies in my life. 

My second husband had a very rocky relationship with his father, but worse I watched as his father was horribly neglected in his last years. I will not detail it here, but I still to this day cry because of the things I witnessed. Had I understood Arabic better at the time and understood the level of disrespect this woman showed to this man I would NEVER have married their son. I hear the indignation of some saying I shouldnt hold the son responsible for his mother's actions... but he never stopped it. He never stepped in He never ever tried to help... and later on I was on the receiving end of the same mentalities. (I did step in and actively attempt to help in the ways I could. I sat for hours upon hours with a soft bristle brush, Johnson's baby soap and baby oil cleaning his legs which had not been bathed in far far far too long. He was bedridden and could not care for himself) I did not understand that he was being told to "shut up a little" when he called for them. I only understood much later. ... How a man treats his family is how he will treat his partner (and probably holds true for women too)

It is very very very important to me to actively support MstrJ in his relationship with His family. It's very normal when children grow up that they move away and get busy with their lives and their own families and responsibilities. When W/we met it was the start of Covid and everything was locked down. We all know the toll this took on families and relationships. So when it came time to meet and go to His neck of the woods the first time, things were JUST starting to open up. His family had not been together together in YEARS. So I did what I do... and I came up with a plan. Kill 3 birds with one stone. I planned a huge family reunion for them. Most of them had never been to His home, many of them had not seen each other in years and were struggling to find a comfortable reason and way to reconnect, and finally serving Him in such a way that introducing me to His family was easy, logical, and brought Him honor. So W/we planned the First Annual (now semi-annual) MstrJ Birthday Bash. 

I'm going to toot my own horn here for one minute: 

IT WAS FUCKUNG FANTASTIC. 

W/we had the whole family (over 25 people) broken out into teams and scrambled together so that adults were mixed with kids they didn't know well so they could bond. W/we had moms with their youngest so everyone felt comfy. 

I got shirts made with a custom logo with everyone's name! 

I organized a whole slew of games including a scavenger hunt that took them on foot all around His village (gave Him a chance to show off where He lived) gave the older guys a chance to show the littluns how to solve puzzles and got everyone active. 

W/we had games like a water balloon fight and bobbing for apples! 

It was incredible. Everyone had a great time from the youngest at a few months old right through to His dad, the Patriarch of the family. 

I have soooooo many favorite memories from the event: 

I had no idea how COMPETITIVE He is... but his mom outdoes Him! She is out for BLOOD man! At one point it was Him vs her on the bobbing for apples. I thought she was going to bite Him, she literally body checked Him out of the way ROFL! (She is what I'd call a sweet southern belle "Bless Your Heart" style if she was in the US) so this was VERY strange and comical!)

I loved seeing the grins on the older men's faces when they came in with the kids from the scavenger hunt with snow cones and ice creams! The men just grinning over having had a chance to spend time with the younger generation. 

I loved seeing a few people take advantage of the "cool off/quiet room" I provided for people who needed an introvert breather. 

Then when W/we were all enjoying the BBQ buffet lunch MstrJ and I put on His sister in law came over to inquire about the ring on my finger. She literally thought He had given it to me. I laughed and explained it's a family heirloom... but the reason it made me smile is because it was not said in a shocked/negative tone. "So, what is THIS?" she asks with a huge grin "Did NAME give it to you?" 

Then my absolute favorite uncle of His walks over puts his arm around my neck and chimes in "So are you officially family now? Wait, no, scratch that, it doesn't matter. I claim you as family. You are my family." OMG I could not love that man more. <3 

Later in the afternoon as all of the family is enjoying making smores and sitting by the firepit that W/we constructed together with stones W/we hauled down by hand from literally up a darn mountain (I'll write that one one day... but same mountain that houses Fun Rock)... they were having smores and same uncle asks: "SO have you ever had a Canadian Camp Pie?" Uh... a what? He grins and walks outside carrying a piece of equipment I've never seen in my life and comes back and introduces me to a BEAUTIFUL campfire cooked raspberry jam sandwich toasted over a fire in a doodad specifically made for that purpose. It was less the sandwich and more the fact that someone specifically went out of their way to include me. 

At the end of the day all of those purposes were definitely achieved... 

The family reconnected on a very meaningful level, and all of them had a chance to see people they have not seen in years even before covid. 

MstrJ had the chance to show then His home, and they got a chance to have a house warming that they never had the chance to before. 

He got a chance to show everyone that this relationship is healthy, happy, loving, and real; something that could not be said of past relationships. Actions speak louder than words. 

W/we are discussing plans for this year's semiannual Birthday Bash. <3 I'm hoping it will actually be a weekend 2-3 day event which will see either both sides of the family or the other side of the family come down. I love expressing my love for Him this way. I love that He can make use of my talents this way. I love serving Him in a way that brings value and joy to Him and His family. 

Thank You for making me a REAL part of Your life. Thank You for making me part of Your family. Thank You for allowing me to show You love in these ways. I love every single person in Your family, and I love the ways W/we can bring life and joy into O/our space. 

Love of my Life, You know the picture I love post in the world is the one of You and Your siblings laughing. Please please never ever lose this picture. I want to keep it beside the one of my grandmother holding my mother as an infant, with my two aunts looking over her shoulder. This picture of You, because of all it represents, is among the most precious 5 things in the world to me. I'd love to make a framed version of it alongside the one Dad asked to take with You the day on the mountain when He said he was proud of You.... I'm so blessed and grateful for these memories. 

His slaveMikayla

Deep Thought here...

42; the answer to Life the Universe and Everything. 

(If you know, you know)

Anyhow! 

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I've gotten my fair share of very odd compliments in my life:

"Your moral compass is pointing due north and refuses to budge!" (said as a cutdown, but I consider it a compliment)

"There is nothing happy median about you, you are a balls to the walls, all out, CANNONBALL all in kinda girl." 

"Did you ever consider for a second that YOU are the reward?" (discussing the use of the word "karma")

"You have been the test for more "Doms" than you know. Men get close to you, walk up to you, measure themselves and then walk away. You never know it happens, but they do." 

These were said by people before MstrJ. 

Before Him I had a very hard time accepting compliments. He had to do actual work to teach me how to hear them and accept them. 

Before MstrJ I had to write them down in a book to hold onto them because I could not internalize them. 

MstrJ has given me more compliments than I can ever write here, but I have a few favorites... the strangest one and the one I'd like to explain here is "I'd happily divorce her" said about me to several people on several occasions. Yes, I hear the almost audible WTF most of you just uttered. HOW is that a compliment? 

Ok, it was not originally said to cause that reaction. It was a completely legitimate statement, and it is a reason He loves me. 

Let me explain.

When W/we met W/we were actually both going through the end stages of respective divorces. Mine was messy AF and included a custody battle. His was ugly, if not messy. 

I think this was the greatest gift W/we have been given. 

I was witness to His behavior at the end of a marriage. I watched Him intentionally consider her needs moving forward. I listened to Him genuinely discuss what He needed and could do to set her up for potential success in her life, EVEN AT A COST TO HIM. This woman who had hurt Him DEEPLY. I was tiger GRRRRR pissed FOR Him. I wanted to rip her G/D head off! He was a gentleman at every step. I respected every decision. I even had a moment where I had to talk His father down and explain WHY He was doing what He was doing and why he should be proud of His son (and not try to browbeat Him into picking fights He didnt believe in). I'd go through a divorce with Him and trust that He would not be out for blood. It would suck. It would hurt... but I could divorce Him. 

He was witness to the tail end of my divorce, especially the custody battle. He has seen how I handle parental issues with my daughter's father. He has seen what I will (and won't) do. He has seen how I communicate (and don't) how I'm honest but not transparent and the logic between those things. It is as a result of that that, when asked why He would consider marriage again, he replies: "I would happily divorce her". He then goes on to explain that He knows even when things are down and all hell has broken loose and everything is in tatters I'm not vengeful. I'm respectful. I'm not out for myself alone and I am not cruel or malicious. These things are not in me, no matter what someone has done to me. He trusts me with my future and His, not only in the best of times; but also if it does not work out. 

Yep, W/we would happily divorce each other, and by that, we mean that Wwe can see a future together because if it were to end we know that it would not do so in flames and animosity, it would be terrible... it would be devastating. Neither of U/us wants that or can imagine any situation that would cause it to happen... but it is only because of this knowledge that W/we can truly say "I trust Y/you" not just in the good, but in the harder times too. 

Here's to finding the O/one Y/you would happily divorce. ;)

Thank You for seeing me, for knowing me, for loving me, for being the Man worthy of my trust and respect. Hurry up forever, I am ready! (So long as the Love shall last.)

His slaveMikayla

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^if you don't watch it, you missed out!

43!!!

When you hear the same comment over and over from different sources over a period of time you have to begin to give it weight. One of the comments that makes MstrJ and I happiest has been repeated at least 2 times every time W/we are in the same place. 

The first time W/we met in person it happened closer to 5x in the span of 10 days. 

"There's just something so different and beautiful about your relationship!" 

The waiter on our cruise made the comment that she wished she knew what it was, she could not believe that it was our first time meeting face to face. Then again on the same cruise a lovely husband and wife who offered us an important item W/we were missing. They didn't want us to waste a minute of our time searching for a shop to get more sunscreen and they had a spare. Actually when they found out W/we weren't married they asked if it was one of those "90 day fiancee things" (I had never even heard of the show) because they were just so convinced W/we looked and acted like a married couple. 

When MstrJ came here my best friend and her husband took us out to dinner. Her comment was: "Why do I feel like I'm looking at two sides of the same person? You are the same! How does that happen?" (and then she promptly told me she'd kick my ass if I ever messed this up)

A couple standing in a line at a theme park have become fast friends of O/ours because they were just so taken with how W/we interacted with each other and with their kids. 

etc etc etc

I think that's one of the greatest affirmations that W/we can get; when those around U/us who do not know U/us *feel* the energy W/we give each other and feel the warmth but the difference, a slightly different hue than the rest of couples put off. They do not know what that difference is, but they respond to it. They experience it as positive. THAT is powerful. 

Thank You for Your energy. Thank You for being a man of honor. Thank You for being emotionally available and having a depth as deep as the ocean and just as wide. I miss Your arms so freaking badly. I can not wait to be home again. I can not wait to walk in the door and feel *HOME* again. 

~His slaveMikayla~

44 days!!!

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One of the things MstrJ and I spent time discussing early in O/our relationship was the concept of micro-rituals... 

W/we both like the idea of small elements of everyday life which serve to remind U/us and ground U/us in O/our foundation of power dynamic. W/we have many micro-rituals, but one of the most important revolves around His shoes. 

Every time W/we meet the trip itself is a process, a ritual, a negotiation. The whole time W/we are apart MstrJ keeps a notebook. There are many things in the notebook (there have been 3 going on 4 notebooks now)... but one part of it is plans. He jots down ideas about O/our relationship, scenes, ideas for the dynamic, hopes, aspirations... whatever. Then, when the girl gets on a plane He gives me the premise of the trip. He gives me the expectations, the mentality, and sometimes sets up the mentality behind a scene. It's also when W/we negotiate. Before that moment I never know what the premise of that trip will be... I never know the expectations. Questions are encouraged. Negotiation for my own wants, needs, hopes, and desires is encouraged. 

The very first time I got on a plane the negotiations were SERIOUS man. W/we negotiated through every layover... some people have written out contracts, W/we do not. W/we do not use a pen to sign on the dotted line... instead W/we have shoes. I thought this was such a moment of brilliance. In the last minutes between when I got off my plane and He got off of His I read the last round of negotiations... "if you agree to this trial, and agree to this dynamic when you see Me, my shoe will be untied. Tying my shoe signifies your acceptance." So I found the place I was to wait and in the dead center next to the fountain at Orlando International Airport I sat in kneel and waited for shoes to show up in my line of sight. Eyes down, palms up... *wait* for one untied shoe. An old man who I SWEAR gave me a knowing smile asked if it was alright to occupy the bench nearest... I was alright with that. And I waited. Apparently MstrJ walked right past me at one point. I was doing discreet really well apparently (or He misjudged exactly how tiny and inconspicuous I'd be in that bustle)... eventually He found me, and I found the shoe. ... no, I did not tie it right away, actually I took His offered hand and sat to ask a few clarifying questions... and THEN I knelt back down to tie His shoe. 

Every single time that MstrJ leaves the house I am the one to put His shoes on. First the right, then the left. make sure the tongue is straight and the back is in the right place. I know how tightly to pull the laces. Then, I wait with my hands on the tops of His shoes in a moment of recognition until He offers His hand. ... When He returns from work He finds me in kneel waiting on the mat He provides by the door. I wait to untie His shoes and remove them, then I place my head on His toes and take a moment for U/us both to recenter O/ourselves in that moment. He will wiggle His toes to signal me to kneel up and take His hand and then W/we hug *tight*. 

YES that includes if W/we are out... now there is a variant of that which is far more discreet... though I'm sure it turns some heads or at least garners a scratch or two... even at His parents house, YES I tie His shoes. It's my priveledge... and it has nothing at all to do with the shoes and everything to do with U/us. 

Over the years this tradition has added some new steps... at this point every pair of shoes that MstrJ wears aside from His work boots have been purchased by myself... and likewise all of my shoes have been purchased by Him. He is with me every step of the way, and I'm with Him. 

Thank You for the gift of Your guidance. Thank You for intention. Thank You for all the ways You provide for me and allow me to be a partner to You. 

I can't wait to be home to tie Your shoes. 

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His slaveMikayla

45!!!

Time is flying man!

I absolutely had a different post in mind for today, and then life happens and messages pop up out of nowhere and spin trains of thought around. 

You can know something and not KNOW it. You can believe something and not BELIEVE it. 

You can be committed to something or someone and then a situation comes up and smacks you in the face with the realization of just how COMMITTED you are (or potentially aren't). 

Prior to MstrJ I've never had a moment of knowing something WAS... it's always been knowing it *WASNT*

I knew my relationship with my first husband was over... over over... when after we'd been separated for over a year, he went to touch an area of my chest and without a second thought I smacked his hand away. I knew in that instant it was 100% over. 

I felt the moment any hope for a real relationship with my forever best friend died... I felt it like a sinking feeling. A cold knowledge of certainty. "How does it make you feel when you see me be submissive towards you?" "Not much to be honest... I mean it makes YOU giddy... so there's that." "But you get nothing out of it?" "No, not really". ..... "This isn't going to work is it?" "I'm thinking not." Well shit. 

Then there's MstrJ and there have been a few moments of *knowing* ...

I knew the minute I "let Him in"

I have never been ok with people I dont care who, being around me when I'm having an aspergers meltdown. It's out of control. It's embarrassing. It's vulnerable. It's frightening. It's ugly. .... He knew I was not ok and called. I looked at the call and made a decision and answered. I couldn't talk. I couldn't communicate. All I could do was sit in a ball beside my couch in the corner and cry ugly uncontrolled tears. He waited. He cooked. He did whatever He did until I was able to communicate. Then He listened. 

He didn't judge me. He didn't act annoyed. He didn't try to calm me down or make me feel like I was being dramatic. He also didn't help (and that's the RIGHT thing, because there is nothing to DO or HELP... it just is.) All He did was listen and exist and be ok with my not being okay. I knew then that I'd never hide again. I had let Him in. 

I knew the minute that I truly trusted Him. 

I don't ask for favors easily. I don't like to have expectations because they lead to disappointment. I don't like to ask for things because again... disappointment. I REALLY don't like to ask for things I NEED or WANT because then if I'm not heard or the answer is no, then it feels like a rejection that's important not just ... careless? There was a day that I found out my mom was 24 hours from being evicted from her home. She is going to be 80 in a few days. She is extremely handicapped and has been my whole life. We have been homeless three times in my life. I don't have much that would break me to lose... I keep everything *important* in a backpack, and I have to know where that backpack is at all times. I have exactly 5 things in my mom's house that would break my heart to lose. 

MstrJ and I made plans, if needs be, to rent a truck and drive down to her home and solve it on a moment's notice. I knew then I could *need*... and it would be okay... it's okay for things to be inconvenient... it's okay for things to be important... it's safe. He isn't going to let me down. 

I could tell you 100 stories of these realizations... but another one happened today. My last relationship ended VERY abruptly. It ended unexpectedly. It broke a part of me. I remember being on my knees beside my bed screaming at the top of my lungs into my pillow *I don't want to DO this again!* I don't want to let anyone in again! I CANT do this again! ... I felt absolutely broken. I felt completely incapable. I had given EVERYTHING every single ounce of my being to this person who surreptitiously dropped me 10 days before my final custody hearing. I couldn't DO more... I couldn't BE better. How can you DO more and BE better if you have given absolutely every single ounce of yourself? 

*knife to my soul level stuff there*

It took a very long time for me to stop pining for this person. Actually it took someone here speaking very important words to me... He is no longer here, but someone with a background in things too old for most of you to know spoke words I could not argue with: "You have been released. You have only one more thing you can do to serve your Master... you can cry and wail and dishonor him... or you can stand up and go with dignity.. which will it be?" It took a long time for me to stop wishing that he would come back for me. Realize what a mistake he had made. Realize I was worth working for or fighting for... or waiting for... or whatever. 

But then... rain in the desert. 

Over the last four years I have learned that I was not getting what *I* needed. I was not being loved the way *I* needed. I learned that in that relationship maybe I HAD given everything I was... every last ounce of me... but that had not been returned. I've never had that returned, not even in a fraction. I learned what compatibility looks like, feels like.... I learned what it means to be LOVED. 

.... and now that  I do... I know I can never EVER accept anything less. I would not have wanted it. THANK GOD I was dropped. Thank GOD for unanswered prayers. Thank GOD for being found wanting because if I hadn't been... I'd have never known what love like rain in the desert feels like. 

Thank You Master for loving me in all the ways You do. Thank you for every single freaking minute. Thank You for all of the ways You show up every single day. Thank You for trustworthiness. Thank You for patience. Thank You for care. Thank You for time. Thank You for understanding. Thank You for prioritizing me and my needs as much or more than I do Yours. Thank You for the gift of You. I pray I'm always worthy.

His slaveMikayla

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46!!!

I couldn't decide which way to go today so I'm going to give a twofer: 

Feeling WANTED. 

MstrJ constantly credits me with teaching Him to be self aware. He will tell you that before me this is probably the one area of His life most in need of improvement. I'd say it goes both ways. I was self aware to a degree, (it's a never ending process) but I have been able to identify a ton of areas and "truths" or "learned truths" in my life from my communication and experiences with Him. One of the most significant areas that I've identified in myself is that I deeply deeply crave feeling "wanted" "needed" "desired" "intended" and "planned for". They all are interrelated and speak to the same deep core need of mine. I'm going to, for once, leave the emotional side and simply speak to the physical. This is new territory for me because I identify as sex positive asexual. I'm not going to go into all the details of misconceptions about this *here*, but I will come back and post a link to my previous blogs explaining what that does and doesn't mean. In any case, desire to be desired is new awareness for me. Actually, throughout my life it's something I've actively distanced myself from. I didn't know that it turns out I was scared of it inside myself. I was afraid of wanting to be wanted. No, that doesn't mean I'm magically not asexual. I still am. What I do know though is that my biggest "inroad" to feeling attraction is being attracted to someone emotionally, and there is indeed a sideroad which is being made very aware that someone whom I'm already emotionally attracted to sincerely "wants" me. Insta *turn on* for me. 

Sooooo... thank You for wanting me. Thank You for grabby hands. Thank You for all the ways You show up and make me feel special, seen, desired, and owned. 

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ahhem..... and now back to more.... typical "me" programing...

He keeps His word. He keeps His promises. *ALWAYS*. He means what He says and He says what He means and He never ever forgets. 

One of the very first things W/we had to deal with is the anxiety I was living through after having had multiple people just *poof* from my life. It was something that happened over and over and over. I would wake up each day and have a mild anxiety attack before opening my phone for fear of what I'd find. How the world would have changed while I slept. 

I had also just gone through a terrible ending of a dynamic where in the span of 2 weeks I had had tickets paid for to go and see him... we had been looking at houses for Godsake! And then within 2 weeks the relationship was just *over*. Nothing I'd done, nothing I'd screwed up... just life. 

So MstrJ made me a promise; the first promise He ever made: "I promise you will see My face and hear My voice every single day. Some days it will be for a long time, as W/we can. Some days it will just be for a minute as life gets busy... but I promise you will see Me every day. I will do whatever I can to make that happen." Every. Single. Day. When He is busy at work... He still finds the time when He gets home. When He is out with family, He still finds the time. It is not at all always easy, but He finds the time to keep His promises. i think this is perhaps the most important thing He has ever done to earn my devotion. I can tell you that if He were to miss a day, I would no longer feel fear or panic, or even feel let down. I would understand... I would not hold it against Him... but the fact that HE holds HIMSELF accountable for it is what makes Him the Man He is. I' lucky. I'm so freaking lucky. 

Thank You Master for all of the ways You make me feel lucky every single day. 

His slaveMikayla

47!

Pills, Bills, and reality. 

MstrJ has seen me through huge wins and some pretty deep lows. He says that He won the genetic lottery. He is "average" in every single way. He has rarely ever been sick, aside from needing one minor surgery long before He knew me. I think He has caught the flu twice since I have known Him, and has caught tonsilitis (from me) Whoops! 

He managed to catch Covid at the exact perfect time before O/our first trip, such that He got a Dr note saying He was recovered, but it also exempted Him from needing to have testing moving from place to place. 

I on the other hand am a mess medically. When W/we met I was going through some pretty serious stuff which has since resolved. Over time things have popped up on occasion. I get recurrant shingles on my hand which is *really special*. I have recovered from sarcoidosis in my lungs. I've had various broken bones. Constant colds and flus, and pneumonia because of my lung scarring. There have been times i have carried SERIOUS guilt over all the medical junk He has had to deal with. 

Then He does what He does and makes me love Him even more. 

About two years ago now W/we found out that I have gastroparesis which literally means paralyzed stomach. My physical stomach does not contract to do mechanical digestion as it should. A huge amount of my weight gain before was due to the trickle down effect of that. It took a lot of coming to grips with the fact that I *shouldn't* eat a lot of things. I cant have fiber. I have to stay away from a lot of veggies and fruits. I shouldn't actually eat protein that needs that mechanical digestion. There is a really high liklihood that someday I'll end up with a feeding tube when my stomach can't cope anymore. It's like a 70% chance. W/we bonded over a love of food and cooking! 

So in one of my lower moments I cried and told Him that it would be so annoying for Him to have to see me eat basically blended stuff every single day, every single meal of my life. My dinner most nights is I cook onion, garlic, and some veggie until soft, then add a stock and blend it until completely smooth and eat that with a simple carb because that's what's safe for me to eat. Not very exciting! 

His response was just so perfectly Him... "My girl, if it comes to that... I'll cook for you, and you cook for Me." 

omg I cried so hard our of gratitude for all that statement entails. It would have been typical for most to just say: "Meh, what you eat doesn't relate to me... as long as you cook awesome food for me, no harm no foul." But no... that isn't how He thinks. "I'll cook for you" ... and I know very well that the reason He noted I'd still cook for Him is because it gives me my outlet for creativity. I LOVE to cook amazing food. I LOVE to spend hours planning a meal and executing it so that when He walks in the door He is greeted with the scent of it and can't wait to make it upstairs to His table to see what is waiting. It is a huge part of how I express my love. 

Thank You for loving me. Thank You for pills, bills, gastroparesis, and everything real. 

His slaveMikayla

48 days!!!!

One of the ideas my mom instilled in me when I began dating was that it's very important to see how you work with your Partner. When I was in High School by long term boyfriend used to come over every Friday and I'd cook family dinner. Saturday he came over and we would do a project around the house, then Sunday I'd go to church with him and his family. This was a "healthy" routine. That boy's father and mother were very on board with teaching us "healthy" in their way too. I would babysit his little sister and be his sparring partner. I was welcome and encouraged to attend sporting events with them. His dad had a tradition, every time he got paid he would pick up a bunch of flowers for his mom... and when Joe and I had been together a year his father insisted that he do the same. So dad and son would pick up flowers together and drop mine off to me on the way home to give his mom hers. It was a really amazing way to learn what a relationship should look like from all sides. 

Fast forward to MstrJ, and e has a very similar mentality. One of the things W/we have enjoyed over our time together was seeing how well W/we work together. Our first project was when I had an issue with my door closing. It just *wouldn't*. It was not a safety concern, but it was letting the cold in, and we have no central heating and air. He had me place the camera so He could look at it, and He managed to figure out the problem from literally halfway around the globe. 

The first time W/we saw each other in person He helped me fix the faucet in my mom's bathroom. My mom can be a HANDFUL, so the fact that He was able to not only navigate HER, but then W/we were able to do this project without wanting to kick something was *impressive*. In Hs home W/we have reupholstered His sofa as a first project and more impressively W/we have taken down, refurbished, repainted, and replaced His back fence. ^__^ 

That last job was immensely rewarding. W/we did it with the help of His parents, and working with them had in the past been a challenge. His dad is a perfectionist to the extreme. When MstrJ and I met working with His dad was something He struggled with, but over time it's something He has had some rewarding experiences with now. I think the time we all spent as a family on this project also showed them a lot about me and U/us. 

Thank You for working with me, and allowing me to work alongside You. I love O/our projects. I love the memories they create. I love walking home through the back lane and seeing the fence. <3 I can't wait to plant back there this summer! <3 

What is O/our next project? 

~His slaveMikayla~

under 50 days!!!! Whoohoo!

Sadly, this one will be brief as time is running short today. 

I've had a very productive day. Woke at 4am to bike (15 km) and "meet" Master after He got home from work. Had some lovely conversations, watched an episode of a show W/we are enjoying together... went to work and had 7 out of 8 classes (that is insane btw) ran home, cooked for kiddo, cleaned house and ran out to the Dr. Got back and did homework. Biked another 20 km and just put her down to bed. I've cooked what He picked for today (ginger, onion, garlic, and carrot soup with a bit of browned noodles and the "oldest bread in the world") No, not mouldy oldie... the first type that still exists and is made today. 

And now I sit to write. As I was on my bike I ran through dozens of memories... how to pick what to write about today. I settled on "I LOFF you!" and Peanut Butter. 

My forever best friend used to have a rule against saying "I love you" ... now the particulars of the rule do not matter, what matters is the sentiment. Bill doesn't want it ever to be said rote. People say it for the wrong reasons, and it loses all meaning; according to him. I know that for a part of my life he wasn't wrong. I never said it rote, but I certainly said it for the wrong reasons. Don't get me wrong... I always always meant it, but most times I said it when I needed to hear it. Instead of asking "Do you love me?" I'd say it to reassure myself. 

I never realized how deep my empty love o meter was. I used to love people the way I needed to be loved. I never really understood how much I was not getting back... that is until Him. One day I described Him as rain in the desert. He loves me back in the ways that I never understood I desperately needed. Not by constantly saying "I love you" but by showing me every single day with His time, His care, His understanding, His noticing, His words, and His actions. I could write a book to explain how He loves me. There are days that go by when W/we don't say "I love you" but I never feel that need to say it just to hear it back.... and when He does say it damn it rings loudly. Last night He came home and told me how much He Loffs me ... and it's the first time He has said it that way, and I smiled because I knew exactly what He meant and it meant the world to me. 

One of my FAVORITE ways He has told me "I Love You" was in peanut butter. I'd been on a diet for YEARS, and one of my favorite things in the world next to RootBeer is Peanut Butter. Again, can't get it here easily... it's possible, but it would cost a small fortune. When I got to His space after a few days when I was rooting around the kitchen cabinets looking for ingredients to cook with I came across a GIANT jar of peanut Butter... and when opened I literally started to cry. MstrJ had taken a knife and carefully carved a heart inside the brand new jar... and then written inside "I love you" .... take a minute to think all the levels through there.... He went out and before I got there bought me a giant tub of Peanut Butter ... then instead of just leaving it in the open or handing it to me as a present... he took the time to carefully carve that message inside and then put it away just so I'd have the moment of "finding" it. One of my biggest regrets is that I do not have a picture of it. I used to carefully scoop allllll around the edges of it to avoid "ruining" it... until one day there was no way to get around it anymore... so I decided to honor it by making peanut butter cookies (He very much approved when He came home to a huge plate of them ... as did His coworkers the next day). 

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/rIHGTXd9OGU

You show me love every single day in a million small and large ways. I fucking Loff You too my Master. 49 days!!!! 

His slaveMikayla

W/we have so many amazing memories that i know I will never get through even a smidgeon of them... but today when I was on my bike thinking over what to write.. (tied up car ride... gagged Costco fun.... etc etc) my mind stopped on one and I decided, yes... this is the one for today!

The first time I got to visit Him my flight was delayed. I ended up being in transit for closer to two days than the usual 36 hrs. I didn't get much sleep in the airports, too wound, and hoping that I'd magic my way onto an earlier flight. No such luck. My plane landed at 4am rather than 10pm...but it worked out for the best in the end. See, W/we are great at rolling with things. Had my plane landed at 10pm He'd have had some form of snack for me and then W/we'd have headed home. I wouldnt have seen much of anything and would likely have just passed out asleep. However, this way was so much better! He suggested that W/we make a stop at A&W (He knows that I have a tradition of buying a Rootbeer first thing I land Stateside, because it's impossible to get here)... and W/we could grab breakfast. Then He had an idea to take me on a quick hike first thing in the morning. One of the first conversations W/we had was when He was going to go hiking with a friend. On the way, they stopped halfway up a mountain and built an inukshuk. Over the years He has gone back to check on it... and this time He took me along to see it. So W/we decided to go hiking at 5am my first morning in Canada after two days of flying. Partway up the mountain right off the main trail there is a place to stop and take a rest at a GIANT but remarkably flat boulder. Weeeeeeellllllll.... W/we put the bounder to decidedly better use than "resting" and redubbed it "fun rock" henceforth. I adore this memory for all of the levels... I love it for discrete but slightly risky public play. I love it because of the thoughtfulness of A&W. I love it because that is just so me to be like "hell yeah I'll go hiking at 5am after 2 days of travel! Why not!" I love it for the inukshuk and His wanting to share it with me. I love it for the conversations up and down the mountain. I love it because every time W/we go back W/we look at "fun rock" and grin, yes, including the time W/we took His parents on that self same hike and all stopped to rest at "fun rock" ^___^. 

Can W/we go back again this year? Maybe make it all the way to the top? 

His slaveMikayla