Once you are made REAL

One of the very first powerful thoughts I had this summer (I was still deep in the medical scare fear which is why it did not get written at the time) was that I'm PROFOUNDLY grateful for the CHANCE and ABILITY to do a lot of "everyday" things here (in Canada) that I do not have the opportunity to do "back home" (a Middle Eastern country I reside in). 

First off... I have windows that actually close here, and while I OPT to keep them open 99% of the time because (FRESH AIR SMELLS FUCKING AMAZING), those windows keep out the dust and dirt when I want them too. So I GET to sweep up every day and mop every few, but honestly, I could decide to skip a day and no one would notice. "Back home" sweeping up daily is NOT optional. My windows and doors are really exceptional quality for what's available to me but gaskets are not a thing. Master has never seen the home I lived in for 13 years, He has never seen anything like it, but I'd like to show Him someday. 

So I move to the laundry where I have a washing machine and a DRYER ... like holy crap I love the drier. If I tell you I bring a sh** ton of my clothes with me just to wash and bring back on a transatlantic flight just because they feel better afterward. This year I'm supposed to be getting a dryer and I'll be literally the only person I know who has one. Most people hang their clothes and I get it, that can be a hygiene thing, but I hate the thought and feel of the dust and sand in them. 

Don't get me started on the magic that is Tide pods. I freaking adore Tide pods and He was a freaking hero for packing up some and sending me home with them when He came to me last midyear. I made those suckers STRETCH man. 

Then we go to the kitchen. I love to cook. I love it. This is not a chore for me HERE... I love it because there is so much variety I can cook with. There is SPACE and LIGHT in the kitchen. There are tools and gadgets and shit we got GIVEN two blenders and I don't mean like what I've got no no no... no no. We got GIVEN like a whole 10 piece set this year just because someone had two and didn't want it. I know I could get some of these things, but the comparative cost is just ludicrous. Back home, I cook on the stove in one pot. End of story. The oven has never worked and it uses a shit ton of gas and gas is VERY expensive. (The gas guy thinks I must be some kind of witch or something because my consumption is so low compared to most. He insists to come in and check the meter and take pics all the time. No dude, I am just cautious and I've a broken oven. My kitchen is roughly the size of a bathroom... and it's dark. It's not a place I want to be for any length of time... but HERE... I just don't have words for how fun it is to create intentional meals. To see Him smile when He walks in and smells the house. I know when He gets too engrossed in the meal to even speak, THAT is when I succeeded. 

Back to the PRIVELEDGE ... then I move outdoors. We do not have a huge space, it's not an acreage or anything... but we have a front lawn, a front flowerbed, a side area that has become an outdoor vehicle space, a backyard, several backyard flowerbeds, some fruit trees and bushes, and a back alleyway. Over the last 3 summers I have really put in a LOT of work into those spaces. I used to spend days and days pulling all of the weeds out of the side area. There was an old man who lived across the way and he would come over and say: "I could watch a good hard day's work all day!" He also used to love to listen to me sing while I worked. He would sit on his front porch all day. It was not creepy, it was sweet. (He passed away before I got back this year and that broke my heart a bit. I used to call him the watchdog of the neighborhood. I miss him a lot. I have a few of his things now, and the figurines which guarded his porch now grace mine, just looking out at the other side of the street.) I spent days going shovel full of dirt at a time, pulling weeds out of good soil in all of the flowerbeds. Finally, last year Wwe planted some flowers. I was given some by His mom, and that felt HUGE. It can take me about an hour or more to mow the lawn. The first time I mowed the lawn when I was back this year I was beaming and just so incredibly grateful to have a lawn to mow. To have grass to walk on. To have a flowerbed to plant. To have fruit trees and bushes to tend and trim and harvest from. I stood in the heat of the afternoon a little bit sunburned, sweaty and dirty and I just grinned and marveled at the PRIVELEDGE it is to have that chance. 

When W/we were getting grass seed for the lawn to overseed I saw a pair of gardening gloves my daughter's size and about cried. Not because I miss her (I do) but because there is absolutely no point in getting them. Back in my space I have no soil to call my own. I have no place she could dig a hole and plant a seed. Yes, I did do flowerpots at one point, except with the long summer I come back to everything dead. It's a waste... so I stopped. My doorman can't keep a plant alive to save his life, and how would he he has no reasonable expectation of experience! No one has a piece of land to call their own. We all live in huge apartment buildings, because actually, they are safer. If you dig a hole all you will find is orange yellow sand. Nothing more. Yes, there are "green spaces" but nothing she can ever feel the grass in her toes with! There would be broken glass and probably a fair few needles. 

I GET to dig my hands in the soil and pull weeds and mow the lawn and plant flowers and prune trees... I get to do all of that because I'm incredibly blessed with the life I have been given. 

I know in my own space I'm privileged too. I GET to work only one job. I GET to have food to cook in my own kitchen. I GET to go to sleep and know we are safe behind a locked steel door that it would take machinery to get into. We GET to go to the doctor when we need it and if I have to walk to 6 pharmacies to find meds because that's a REAL problem right now... well I have the money to buy that medication when I find it. 

Yes, I opt to be MstrJ's slave, I prefer it that way... and one of the reasons is because when I stop and think about alllllll of the things I GET to do and GET to have I'm reminded of how privileged I am and I never take those things for granted. "Youth is wasted on the young" and opportunity is wasted on those who are blind to their privilege. Both of those statements are true in my life. I had all of this when I was young and living in the US, and I was blind to it all. I saw it all as "chores". I do not use that word anymore. EVER. Instead He tells me whether my focus should be "inside" or "outside" each day. I "get" to work on the lawn. I GET to mow the grass. I GET to do the laundry. I never "HAVE to" I GET to. 

Perspective. 

Thank You Master for all of the opportunities that life with You affords. I know You heard me this morning when I said "I'm looking forward to when W/we can take this for granted and I know You understood what I meant. No, I will never actually take things for granted, because keeping this perspective is a wonderful way to live in joy and gratitude. What I mean is... I look forward to the day when it isn't about counting days anymore. When time does not have an expiration date aside from the eternal one. 

Within the last few weeks it seems that the message of how lucky I am, and how much of a bullet we dodged just keeps getting hammered home. One of our dearest friends is recovering from a tumor near his brainstem and it will apparently likely recur throughout his spinal column as time goes. Yesterday W/we learned that another friend and colleague's wife was just diagnosed with some severe form of cancer as well. They waited and worked for a long time and were just this year blessed with a baby. While a third couple W/we know are off living their last years together on a sailboat to cross items off their bucket list and make the last time worth it. Perspective is everything, and it can change so very very quickly. 

(watch the video for the last one... it's about the video)

~His slaveMikayla; Faith

In my last important relationship, if He had been asked "what was the quickest way to annoy him was", he'd have said when I ask "do you understand?" 

A couple key points before I continue the story.... #1 I'm a slave but I'm also not stupid by any measure. I'm aware of this, and if you are around me for longer than 10 minutes you will be aware of it too. #2 I do not believe that being a slave means dumbing yourself down (unless there is a reason for a specific scene or moment that that is warranted in which case I can play at that game too). Rather, I believe that both sides of the slash bringing their best to the table to strengthen and grow all aspects of life is just plain wisdom. He has a tool in me, a very effective one, and He knows exactly how to use it to benefit himself, myself, and all W/we are building. #3 my last important relationship was with a very intelligent man and He knew that too.

So the question "do you understand?" rubbed him in allllll the wrong ways. He took it to insinuate that I doubted his intelligence or his grasp on the situation. I should note that I NEVER asked that question with regard to any situation other than the internal workings of my own brain. I was not asking "do you understand the world" or "do you understand the ramifications of your choices" no. I was asking "do you understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, struggling with what I'm struggling with, or acting the way I am." Your Dominant is NOT a mind reader after all. For ME I have to know for darn sure that my person completely grasps the situation in all of its complexity so that I believe and trust that their decision is formed based upon alll available data and then whatever that decision is I can abide by it and "get on board!" Is this trust? absolutely not. Is this faith? nope. Trust and faith have to be learned and earned... and sadly the reality is that he felt he had earned those and it should be a given, and apparently, that had not happened. 

WHY had it not happened? I got my answer this week. 

Earlier this week I was at a family reunion with MstrJ's family. W/we had hosted one for one side of His family right after covid, and now the other side was having one. Sadly, He was stuck working, but desired me to attend anyway. This was a HUGE sacrifice of time, money, and intimacy. It was also huge growth in His life. Without sharing any more details, it had been probably more than a decade since He had seen some of these people and only three people out of over 40 had ever met me (and two of those just in the days prior to the event). I was an unknown quantity. Going meant spending three days alone with his mom and dad on a 4 hour drive and at a hotel sharing a room. Mom and Dad love me, so it was great, and by the end of the weekend it was stronger than ever. The reunion went splendidly and all. The next day there was a get together with his siblings and all of their kids (10 of us in total) at a waterpark. In the course of planning all of these things and going through the weekend I became acutely aware of an element of who I am and how I communicate that I'd never been aware of. 

A LOT of my communication centers around rules. A lot. I can't even tell you why I started o be consciously aware of it, but every time I said something that related to the concept I mentally flagged it. "I read that we aren't allowed outside food and water." "No, we can't take in our bottles apparently they will take them" "If we sneak food in they will remove us." "Well the ride has height and weight requirements. Let me go check and see if he CAN ride." "Am I allowed to?" "We aren't supposed to." "We are supposed to" ......... 

It was an eye opener, that's for sure. 

This became a point for me to mull over, and on the drive home I started running through how this impacted my interactions with people around me. I know his sister was a bit annoyed by it (ironic as she is a social worker.) Then I considered how it impacts my interactions at work, those with my students, those with my bosses, those with Master... I realized that this is actually a really important and big part of how my Autism shows up. It's a major way my black and white thinking and fixation with justice and fairness play out. *eye opener* 

So when He and I were settled back into Our space I brought it up and THIS is why I'm sharing it. 

He was in the middle of shaving His beard while I was folding laundry and He turns to me and says "Yes, but I have a perfect way around that. I have a pass... I'm Master. Yes, a lot of your communication revolves around rules and expectations, and I know it is very hard for you to do something you know or think you aren't supposed to, but I also supersede that. It's why I exist. You know that I use that all the time, as long as you know I know and I have decided that that is not a rule or expectation that W/we are going to follow, then following My rules and expectations trumps it all. 

This part of myself that I had not even been aware was a THING He has been aware of it for a VERY long time and He has already known exactly how to use this part of me as a tool to work in His benefit. He impresses me all the time, but I've got to say that one got a standing ovation. 

SEE THIS this right here is why HE has earned that unconditional trust and faith. HE DOES "get me" and HE DOES not need me to ask "do You understand?" (and He would never be so egotistical that it would annoy Him if I did. He would simply either say "Yes" and then explain to me what was in my own head and YES He would be absolutely right. OR He would ask me to say what I'm thinking just to ensure that He did have it right.) Have I mentioned lately how much this man earns my love and respect all the time? Case in point. 

Now this year I need to have a sit down with my bosses to discuss this and to explain exactly how giving me 500 rules that I'm supposedly in charge of maintaining but then they refuse to hold people accountable and refuse to back me up really harms me. It harms my relationships with my students. It harms my relationships with my coworkers. It harms my relationships with the teachers I manage. It harms my own internal peace because it is a battle I can't win. I don't know if this conversation will result in any lasting or meaningful change but at least I will have tried to advocate for myself and my own peace. Moving forward I can also talk those rules through with Master and let him use His magic weapon "Master said so" to help me cope better. 

Thank You for knowing me. Thank You for not being so egotistical. Thank You for never fearing my intelligence or underestimating it. Thank You for using all of my talents to O/our best interest and goals. Thank You for Your wisdom. Thank You for helping me navigate life in the most effective and positive way. Thank You for encouraging my relationship with Your family. Thank You for building a life with me. 

His grateful slaveMikayla; Faith

A long time ago in a very very unhealthy relationship I was told to handle my own sh**. While the relationship was unhealthy, one of the things I took from it was a notebook. One of the ways I "handled my own sh**" was to write down the positive things said about me, the ones I could hold onto and look back at when needed. I am sure I've got that notebook somewhere... though to be honest I don't even remember what that one LOOKS like. Whoops. 

I've been Home with Master for a month and a half and we are rounding the corner that W/we both dread every year... I refuse to look at the date, but it is burned into my awareness. Counting the days on the WRONG SIDE of the year. Each year feels different. The first year I cried and asked if I'd be allowed to "come back." He reassured me I was, and before I even left we had my return tickets booked (smart Man). The year after I was a mess for the last two weeks. I knew what the long separation would feel like. I cried when He was not home so He would not have to deal with it (leftover from "deal with your own sh**). That year I sat on His lap and asked if I'd be allowed to come back Home, and W/we took to clarifying that I was leaving only for a while and that that place was "the satellite campus" and this place is "Home." Last year I was a mess for a little less time, but it was just as bad when I was. Last year W/we started planning the future that W/we are building, I did not wonder if I was coming back Home, but still I believe asking and not assuming shows respect and prevents taking things for granted. 

Last night W/we were watching a show cuddled on the couch and I just asked "I know it doesn't need to be said, but I need to ask it anyhow... I'm coming Home next year Master " "Yes, you are coming Home next year." "You are still willing to wait for me" "I will wait for you, you have absolutely earned that with all you have done and all that you are." I kissed His arm and went back to watching the show. 

Earlier this morning after He had headed off to work I thanked Him for the conversation and told him it mattered. 

I'm saving His response here, instead of in a notebook. I want it to be able to look back at it, should ever I need to. 

"Well you have done a phenomenal job around My home caring for every piece of grass, working hard to restore and upkeep the property, to provide warmth and meals and light and levity. You are a magnificent woman and I am honored to have your support and care, you make My life, home and experience better for having you in it. I am grateful to have you beside Me and you are welcome home next year. You've done more than enough to earn it My slave girl."

Thank You, Master, for all of the ways You support me. Thank You for all of the opportunities for growth. Thank You for helping to heal those deep wounds inflicted by those before You. Thank You for inflicting no harm, not ever, not even once. Thank You for patience beyond reasonability. 

Next blog will be about the "rules" conversation.

His slaveMikayla; Faith

Huge sigh of relief. Well, I DID beat my family's record and I'm officially the oldest one to be in the clear! 

Yes, it's a thing, no, it's not what we were afraid of. No it can't turn into that. Apparently I have a rather large calcification which they do not know why they happen, and it's unusual to end up with one that can be physically detected. 

What I will say is that this definitely showed a lot about how words and actions match. He was a stand up Man beside me every step of the way and I could not have asked for a better support. 

Thank you for those who love me. I pray we are all so lucky. 

His slaveMikayla

Monday is His birthday so Wwe are going to have a snuggle and some time to breathe. 

This lifestyle can be all about the kinky fuckery, but 90% of the time it's about the pills, bills, and everything in between. 

Life has come up swinging at Uus this season... and Wwe are still standing. A few days before I got on a plane I had to have one of those very real pills bills and everything in between conversations... I have a looonnnggggg family history of breast cancer. He has been aware of this from minute 1. We have long planned to have a reduction and reconstruction as a safety precaution. This was recommended for me 10 years ago and denied by my ex husband. 

A few days before I got on a plane I was checking and just went "oh.... so THAT's what that feels like." I have dense tissue and fibrous tissue so I've always wondered if I was just "missing it"... no. No  I was not. No, now I know exactly that there is no mistaking it. So I cried for a day and then brought it to Him and asked if I should stay where I was and seek treatment or if I should get on a plane. His answer was: "come home. I've got you." 

I put it in a box for two weeks to finish the year and get home... we had a huge family event to do as soon as I landed. On the way home from the family event I let the jack in the box out and I fell apart. Wwe made an appointment for tomorrow at 9:00 am. 

I do not think this is a bullet I'm going to dodge. I do not know what it means. I do not know where anything stands. The only thing I know is that He's got me and I've never been more grateful for that in my life. 

Last week He was running a 5K beside me, jogging when I could, walking when I needed. Always behind me on the obstacles, his cousin who I pick as my family in front of me, the two of them supporting me all the way... this week is a very different race, but He is beside me all the same. 

Prayers are appreciated. I'll check in when I'm capable of it. My mom had breast cancer 3x before it metastasized to her thyroid. She had her first lumpectomy at 16... her first BC diagnosis was 35. Every maternal aunt and female cousin.... so I really don't think this is a bullet I'm going to dodge. He needs every bit as much support as I do, and He is due every freaking respect for standing up and standing beside me. 

Thank You for being the man You are. Today I don't have words further than "Thank You." 

His slaveMikayla

One last 5 hour flight and I'll finally be back home to Him for the summer. The flights were all fine, every last one was delayed in some measure, but that's why W/we plan long layovers. I got "Happy Birthday " wishes all along the route. I even got a small gift on the transatlantic leg. 

Most excited to be home to Him. ♡ 

~His slaveMikayla; Faith

For the last three years every summer I'm on here doing an excited month long countdown to when I'm on a plane. It is something I really look forward to. 

This year I've been ... silent... this year there has been no countdown. That's not to say there is no trip... just no excited build up to getting on a plane. 

Like we've all been keenly aware the world is in some complicated places... and my life is in extremely complicated places. A month ago we knew when I was getting on a plane. We were excited. 

Three weeks ago it got shaky... two weeks ago I told him not to be cautiously optimistic... last week we both looked at each other and said: "Well, this is going to be dicey." .... I wrote a message to all of O/our family and explained that no one should get their hopes up until my plane lands in France. Anything up until that is really a roll of the dice. I asked for prayers. 

Yesterday I was packing. As the hours counted down I couldn't help it, I was so excited! 12 hours to go (clean the house), 10 hours to go (time to pack!) 5 hours to go (time for a shower!) 3 hours to go (do my nails and hair!) 2 hours to go... (call my mom) 

I'm on the phone with my mom and I say "Wish me happy birthday, just incase" ... (she doesn't watch the news, she's too old and it scares her) I may not be able to call mom, I'll be on a plane. Don't worry until Saturday. You will hear from me on Saturday. If your phone is being silly I'll call aunt and she will tell the nurses' station that I landed and am with Him. As I'm saying that a message from Him... "I need to talk to you quickly!" "Mom, I gotta go. Time to get on a plane. I love you!" 

I hop onto our video and He is rushing to get dressed. I start to apologize for being so long on the call... "Well, things went sideways. I just got the notification that your flight was cancelled" .......... Do you remember the "This is a Test of the Emergency Broadcasting System beep with the bars of color on the screen... that's what my brain did. 

I couldn't even comprehend the words He just said. I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. "I've already cancelled golf. I'm going to call them now and see what's going on and try to sort it." 

Purple screen as He hops on a call. I didn't need to ask Him. I couldn't ask Him. I couldn't even talk. 

I navigated to the News... nothing. 

I navigated to the airport here... (everything to that minute had landed and departed). I navigated to FlightAware to see if there were any airspace closures that I could see. No... well, at least not yet. I mean, this JUST happened... so maybe I wouldn't see it yet. 

I finally navigated to the Charles De Gaulle Airport... the flight LEAVING had never LEFT... hmm... okay... 

I think that is the first time my brain processed anything even remotely functional and I think I'm surprised that I hadn't passed out from lack of oxygen as I'm pretty sure breathing was beyond my capacity too. I remember thinking somewhere in there "I missed it by WHAT... one flight... I missed my chance and I'm stuck." 

"I'm on with them, we are looking for a rebooking... I'm going to try to keep your Premium. We did upgrade to Premium right" "Yes, Sir... but I really don't care. I just need to get Home to You. ... well, bags. The bags will be important. (I'm beginning to move my important things from here to there. This trip I'm flying with the 10 things that matter to me. I have exactly 10 physical things that matter in my life. Nothing else matters. All of them are moving across the Atlantic this summer. ) 

Success. I'm booked on the same exact flight *theoretically* just one day later. My layover in Montreal may be *incredibly* tight... especially since I'll have to claim my bags to go through border security then go back up and out of security to recheck them in at Westjet and then go back through security... it will be a run... but in theory I will still get home tomorrow on my birthday. 

As we drifted off to sleep several hours later I told Him ... I don't think I'm capable of getting excited. I think I'll start to get excited when I land in France. Not before. He understood. 

All of that was awful and scary and stressful... but at the same time it was one more time I could honestly thank Him from the bottom of my heart for just handling it. It was beyond my ability in the moment. I had no way. I didn't even need to ask. He had it. 

I had nothing in my house to eat because I've already cleaned everything out. I don't leave anything for any buggies to find... except I had enough milk for coffee (I had too much for coffee, but I was going to give it to my doorman on the way out) (major cultural difference... if you live in a first world country let it go) and I had a single box of the mac n cheese He sent me home with last summer. I had saved it always thinking "there could be a day I need Him more" ... to this afternoon I'm eating the mac n cheese and drinking the coffee that I share with Him... and I'm trying to keep believing that today I'll get on a plane and I'll land in France and then I'll eventually make it Home. Today the things that matter to me will get to go live at Home. Today I will hug Him for my birthday. 

Yes, some plans had to get cancelled ... I'm a little sad about it, but honestly, the bigger present is that He is always there to help me carry it and I'm not alone. I have a Home. I am His, and He has got me. 

~His very grateful slaveMikayla 

I hope You never get tired of me telling You how much i appreciate You, or how grateful I am that You exist in my life. I miss You so freaking much and I can not wait to be Home for all that means. I am looking forward to tying Your shoe. 

I've said before I can be a very silly smart person sometimes. 

MstrJ is an opportunist, I've explained this before... but sometimes His wisdom just dawns on me and I sit there (usually have to sit down wherever I was standing) and just go... holy crap that was big. 

I fit that really annoying trope of a girl with massive "daddy" issues. I don't think I've ever actually written about it, and I'm not sure that I'm going to go into any depth. Suffice it to say my father was a deacon in our church, was a very intelligent man, was very very well off. Hell, when I was 4 and he and my mom were picking our house he bought the "show" home from the developer specifically and intentionally because I fell in love with a train that went around the ceiling of the bedroom. He bought the show home with the requirement that the train stayed. 

Sounds like a great dad right?

He took me to father daughter day at work. He was a helper with the girl scout troop and was the dad in charge of the camping trip where the dads took us "snipe hunting" (if you know, you know). 

He also had a wicked temper. He cornered me with a belt to the face when I said I couldn't find the spelling word in the dictionary.... I needed glasses. I still can't watch that scene in Scarface because it was literally THAT... and I was 8. 

I was in foster care off and on while growing up because of my mother's devastating spinal cord injury that left her a paraplegic when I was 5. She was ostensibly in the hospital and in rehab for 2 years and I bounced around between families in the church... I think I lost count and memory around the 7th family. 

Mom and I moved back in together when I was 7 and back with him in a new state... and all was well for about 8 months. We will not be going into detail, but my dad had taken up being involved in "prison ministry" and thought it was a brilliant idea to host narcanon meetings in the livingroom with a para wife and their 8 year old girl. It went about as well as you can expect... and when I told my mom in broad strokes exactly how "not well" it was going she picked me up from school with the back of the van packed and we left. 

We went to live with former church members (his old boss who was a BIG DEAL) their older high school age son and their young daughter... mom cleaned the house and I babysat. Soooo much happened that is irrelevant but suffice it to say my past is 600 degrees of "what the fuck" and might qualify for Lifetime movie rights. We ended up homeless in some truly truly epic plot twists... and stayed homeless for a long time. 

I've lost my home and my "family" over and over and over again... to the point it's hard for me to value things. I keep a bag of my most important belongings which are never more than I can count on my hand. I never learned to rely on ANYONE, and that was completely logical. 

So today I was watching an episode of Parenthood where Adam talks to Alex and respects the heck out of Alex's maturity. Alex notes that he had to grow up way too soon (something I've been told over and over but I frequently dismiss) and then he notes he wonders how he would have turned out of he had had parents like Hattie's. 

Cue a random thought of mine and a lot of mental gymnastics which led me to think about how MstrJ really touched my heart last night. His family is hosting a family get together this summer that we probably can't attend. That's sad because we actually hosted the first family reunion and we had wanted to do it this year for that side of the family. He has offered me to go with his folks, but that would mean being away from Him, and I really don't want to do that. I mean I LOVE his family. I adore the hell out of his grandma and his aunt and uncle and cousin that I know. The cousin is literally one of my favorite people... and I really do want to meet the others... but I don't want to be away from Him. 

Well, He was talking to them in front of me and mentioned "when you move here and I am your husband and our daughter is living with us" and I raised my hand and said "yes please!" 

Every element of that is speaking healing to my soul for DEEP hurts that He is aware of. He acknowledges me in front of family. <<< healing. 

He acknowledges plans for the future and commitment <<<< Healing. 

He called her His daughter and means it. <<< Healing. 

He wants me to be an active part of His family. <<<<Healing 

Then my mental gymnastics ramp up... a lot of the poor decisions I made as a kid and teen were because I had attachment issues, both fear of abandonment and rejection of attachment (fucked up mix I know). These motivations underscored soooo much of my life. I thought back to that scene in the show and thought: "I wonder how I'd have turned out of I had had a parent who had helped me heal from all of that" ... then I stopped and reassessed "are any of my decisions right now coming out of those same unhealed places? .... Wait... healing looks for me like not having a deep pain release and a lot of tears when discussing an issue. As I thought through all of it, there were no tears. Holy crap... I am not having those tears when I'm thinking through all of this. So... no... I'm not reacting from a place of unhealed. Then more brain gymnastics... "if I had had a dad who" .... Then I turned His actions for the last 5 years over in my mind... and I realized... I have had a Dad who helped me to grow up without those issues. He just didn't show up when I was young. 

I know I haven't probably explained anything useful in this post to anyone but Him... but suffice it to say: holy moley I see it. I see it. Your mission statement in life is to bring health and healing and I've got to tell You, You have done that in spades. I'm not acting out of a space of fear of abandonment or rejection of attachment. When I thought back through everything I'm NOT crying over any of it. Literally none of it. I could even think about the "can I call you Dad" conversation and the whole Sue situation and I did not cry. I'm not saying it isnt still a bit sore, it is. It's not completely done... but it's well on the way. 

Thank You for wisdom. Thank You for all of the ways You have been and continue to be the single most healthy relationship I've ever witnessed. Thank you for patience in helping me learn to find healing. Thank You for helping me ensure that I never revisit that damage on  "tootsie."

Respect and gratitude. 

His slaveMikayla. 

^^^ You do not even understand every single clip in this... I can tell you how he did EXACTLY that, and more. Like... I'm not even kidding, I'm the luckiest woman who ever lived to have been found by Him. I can't even say I found Him. He found me. It's literally one of 4 times in my life that someone else started it, usually I'm the instigator! 

PS: To the person who liked my profile today... I'm actually impressed with your own. You are on a journey that I recognize. I completely and 100% understand the unique intricacies of figuring out relationships with Aspergers Autism as well as grey A. I wanted to shout out here and say: It's possible. It is very possible. I'm not saying it's easy. He is a literal angel on Earth, and I can not imagine every trying to find someone to understand how to communicate with on this level ever again. Pass. However, I swear, it's possible, and actually He prefers my style of communication because it is direct, because it is nuanced, but at the same time super logical. You got this. *thumbs up* 

I struggled to find the appropriate title for this blog. This one also has hide nor hair to do with long distance M/s... or maybe it does. 

MstrJ has made the conscious choice to join me for Ramadan for the past 3 years. It's less about religion or spirituality for Him and more about the concept of an intentional "reset" a moment to reconnect the body with its true state and needs. A moment of denial which can lead to a greater sense of fulfillment when those wants are granted. (ok, so it has EVERYTHING to do with long distance M/s). 

At the beginning of Ramadan it is very hard to ignore the mental concept of "hunger" but if one takes a moment to really be intentional, they will notice that they are not really experiencing physical "hunger" . Thirst, you bet, but hinger, no. That changes after about a week (person depending), and things take a harder turn. The physical hunger is REAL. Dizzy, low energy, and tummy grumbles war with the mind. This is the space that one really has to be intentional and steadfast. After a few days, mind and body adjust. W/we work on the concept of "it's enough." 

A ton of people gain weight over Ramadan. They make a huge mistake. The minute that Adhan comes (the time you can break your fast) they rush to food. It takes time for the stomach to signal "full" and by the time the mind has registered it they have overeaten and spend hours in discomfort. They move from discomfort to discomfort! 

When I was "teaching" MstrJ how to approach Ramadan one of the first and most important things I taught Him is that it's HOW you break Your fast is the most important thing. When I was taught I learned to begin with 3 dates, a light soup, and a few bites of food. Then TAKE A BREAK. If you are praying, go and do so, if not, take an hour and let that sink in. Focus on liquids (some juice and water). Then go back and have a light meal. Focus on water through the night and wake up for the before Fast meal. People who skip this set themselves up for failure and unwellness! For the before fast meal pick something that feels filling and is slow to digest but at all cost avoid big flavors or salt and ascorbic things. My ideal is an egg sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and cheese. I USED to do oatmeal, but I've got gastroparesis so this is a HUGE hell no now. My favorite to give Him is overnight chia pudding with fruit, nuts, and coconut milk. When He does this He barely feels any hunger for at least 10 hours! 

With intention, this whole process helps you find your equilibrium again. It reminds you that "enough is truly enough." 

This blog is going to take an abrupt left turn, but I promise, it will come back together. Just follow the process. 

One of the ways MstrJ and I spend time together is in watching shows. At any given time W/we have 4 series running. One He is watching independently. One I'm watching independently. One W/we are watching together as a couple and one W/we are all watching as a family. 

W/we take turns picking the series... and this past time it was my turn to pick. I found one that has proven to be really really impactful. I'm not usually into anime or even animated series... but this one was different. I saw it and watched two episodes by myself before saying... "um... Master of mine, I found one I reeeeaaalllyyyy want to watch with you." Now, I knew how it impacted me, but it has been a deeply emotional experience watching Him internalize it. It's called My Happy Marriage, and the D/s overtones are deep. There is an argument in the Psychology world about if life immitates art or if art imitates life... 

when I watched it, I saw U/us in it... but when I watched Him see it... i saw Him see me. I think i spent those moments in deeply grateful tears. I saw Him take pride in the moments He saw me, and the deep moments He internalized that He has what others write about. It was deeply deeply moving. 

The show has been a lot. Last night W/we watched the conclusion. 

Last week He was discussing how when You reach a new level of awesome in life it's important to remember how awesome things are, to never be desensitized to it. 

Last night in the show one of the most endearing things about Miyo is that she lives in gratitude. She never takes anything for granted. She never lives in the concept of "I deserve"...

and again I saw myself in her, and I saw how that impacted Kudo, and how it impacts MstrJ. 

I do not live in "I deserve" not because I don't deserve, not because I lack self esteem... not because I wish to be lacking. I'm never lacking. I'm never undeserving. There is beauty in intentionally living in "it's enough" so that when you are GIVEN more than "enough" you feel the weight and the magnitude of gratitude. It moves you every time. 

It breeds a grateful and joyous heart. It breeds softness. It is this softness which speaks to His heart. 

I as a slave will move mountains to see Him pleased. I'm never afraid that I will cease to please Him... 

He as a Master enjoys seeing me moved, seeing my softness, seeing my gratitude... that makes Him happy to give in order to see the return on that gratitude. 

I live in "it's enough" because it is enough. Because it is enough He can decide when and how to give more. Because it is always His choice it feels like such a "good girl" to be given more... and this breeds sincere and genuine gratitude. What a beautiful cycle. 

Thank You for always ensuring I have enough. Thank You for all of the ways You decide to give more. Thank You for seeing me and seeing my heart. Thank You for wisdom, generosity, and loving kindness. Thank You for protecting my softness. I'm grateful ALWAYS for enough and for more. 

His slave Mikayla

This post is NOT specific to long distance M/s, rather it is a broader and personal learning moment. 

This week MstrJ and I have begun a new method of approaching O/our meditation practice. It originally began with meditation centered around visualization exercises until W/we discovered that MstrJ actually has a different internal world experience in which he sincerely lacks a "mind's eye"; he has Aphantasia. As a result, he literally can not visualize anything. So W/we moved to energy work. However for reasons which I won't detail here I had to ask Him to do self reflection and His own work on it for a year and a day before I could or would teach Him anything beyond that. (If Y/you know Y/you know, if Y/you don't then it doesn't matter.) In any case, He did do that work, and has been working on things for over 1300 days. I'm really proud of Him. Part of that work involved keeping a journal related to His practice. Over the years that journal has taken many forms, but as life tends to do, sometimes things stagnate or become routine. The practice and jorunal has done just that. So I brought a suggestion this week: that W/we pick an area of growth either 1 a day on a cycle as W/we used to do for the visualization meditations... or 12 topics and go after one a month. The way I suggested is that W/we would each spend part of the day searching for an image, a quote, a passage, anything about that topic that either taught us something or brought a perspective that challenged our own or spoke deeply to our thoughts. Once W/we found it, send O/ours to the other and then spend time reflecting on the one W/we individually found as well as the one the other sent. This kind of exchange of ideas can work to grow O/our own individual awareness, as well as help U/us grow O/our communication. 

Well, one of the things W/we have been reading recently is Conquer Me, a book I'd read years ago, but felt strongly would be very positive for U/us to read together. Yesterday the chapter W/we read was related to the concept that some s types seem to revel in how "hard" their submission is, and how "difficult" it is to please their D type.. and then they question why they do not find fulfillment. Granted the author was not praising this mentality, rather discussing how when two are aligned it isnt like that at all. SURE there are moments of difficult sacrifice, but most times it doesnt feel like "loss" at all. I agree with that completely. 

Two weeks ago when Master was headed out of this space and back to His own, he made the decision to hand me back some of the money I had given Him to take home and put into O/our savings account. (I live on a budget with the intention of sending money back to O/our bank account for plane tickets, needs that I buy and bring back with me, as well as savings for O/our long term future. He adds in every bit as much as I do and more.) So I love the moments I can say: Look how well I did saving these months! and hand Him some money to take back. I love those "good girl" moments. WELL, this time, He made the choice to say "Thank you, but this time I'd like you to keep these and I'd like you to use them where and how you need so this month is not tight. I want you to have a nice month with O/our daughter and I'd like you to know that you have enough to say "yes" not "no". That was incredibly kind of Him. 

However... it took two weeks for my mind to catch up with His intentions. Sometimes I'm a bit slow on the uptake.... (no in reality, it takes me a minute to realign my mentalities when they are outside of the normal things that He has praised me for in the past.) I finally had my "ah ha" moment yesterday before W/we read. Yesterday morning I was debating whether I was going to go change the second $100 back into the currency here or if I was going to try to stretch everything I had to make it to Sunday. NORMALLY my "good girl" comes from being frugal. This time I had been thinking about a promise I made to O/our daughter that once a week she could pick dinner out. If I tried to stretch it... that couldn't happen. Then I remembered His words. Then I understood... He left that money because HE DID NOT WANT ME TO STRETCH IT. ... Respecting His wishes in that minute looked different to what I am used to. He made the choice to leave the money. Respecting Him meant using it in this way, not saving it. Saving it was contrary to His intentions. *alignment found*. 

So I felt much better throughout the day. I was happy when school was out to tell her "hey, there is a sandstorm and it's 41C out... it's friggin hot and today was tough. You had two exams. Let's go get some ice-cream. Remember where we went with Daddy two weeks ago to try ice-cream let's go there! *actions and mentality alignment achieved* 

In the evening MstrJ and I were excited to search for plane tickets to get me home for the summer. As He was out I was researching and I FOUND A THING.... and then I was biting my nails about bringing it up... I mean... it was a crazy opportunity... but at the same time it was more than I'd do for myself... I wrote it then I deleted it... then I wrote it again. 

W/we were debating between a 3 day timeframe going and a 2 day timeframe coming back... and I found an incredible deal on one day. It was not the cheapest ticket though... but holy crud...

So the cheapest ticket was X ... and that was a 35 hour trip in economy. Cool. Expected. 

Then I found a thing... I found a 21 hour trip on a day with a promo fare where they had a ticket in premium for LESS than the economy ticket on the same day. I was biting my nails about if I should even ask. I mean I don't NEED that. Had it been the cheapest ticket over all 3 days I'd have had no qualms... but it was $200 more than the cheapest... but by the same token it was $1000cad off of what it should have been! I agonized. 

I had every reason I should NOT do it. When He got home He saw the deleted messages and inquired why I had deleted. That's never a thing. I don't delete messages. 

So I told Him. He did the math and then decided that yes, this was the ticket that should be purchased. I would cover the base fare and He would cover the additional. His logic was that the shorter duration and the better seat would mean I end up arriving in better spaces to have an amazing trip not tired and sore etc. He had really understood the struggle when He did what I do this past trip. Often times W/we book my return ticket as close to my return to work as possible squeezing every minute of time together. As a result, a few times I've landed at 2 am, gotten back to my city at 4 am, and I'm at work at 7am. THAT is rough after a 35 hour trip in economy with long layovers in uncomfortable airports. I never complain... I do airports like a champ... but that doesnt mean it's easy! So His logic was "this is something I can do for you, and I'd like to do for you so that when you get here W/we start off on the right foot for the summer. <3 <3 <3 

Still, it hit me that it's so much easier for me to accept the "no" than the "yes" when it's not something that passes my OWN judgment of "important" ... yuck. So I'm working on this mentality. Glad it has been identified... now to work on me and find the alignment which is more appropriate. <3 

Thank You for patience with me when I get in my own way. Thank You for the ways You add value to my life. Thank You for growing with me and beside me and pushing me to my own growth. Thank You for saying "yes". Thank You for saying "no". Thank You for knowing that the yes and no is Yours to say, and both will be equally appreciated, respected, and obeyed <3. 

I can't wait to see You on my birthday again this year! Thank You for my present! I can't wait to get You Yours!

~his slave Mikayla. 

Random comedy... if you have never seen "Lucy Darling" you are missing out! 

*eyebrow wiggle* Lucy Darling does do Edmonton pretty regularly. I'd be shocked if I'll ever catch a date I'm there... but You might want to watch out for it! T'would be fun to take Des to it! I l think she'd be absolutely up for it!