Once you are made REAL

One of the things I've been talking to MstrJ about for going on 3 years now is the law of attraction... I've got a lot of deep seated and well tested belief around it. A concept that exists throughout societies, generations, all over the world would tend to have some measure of truth to it. 

I wont get into all of my beliefs on this subject, because it would bore most people. Suffice to say I "meditate" others would say pray... some would say have rituals the point of them is to attract specific things. Those things change from time to time. This year is MstrJ's year of accomplishment. There are specific goals He is within sight of accomplishing. This year has apparently renamed itself for me... it is not the year of accomplishment... it is the year of closure. I've just got one more to "show up". Within this past year I found out some very... interesting... information about my ex husband. I reached out in support and honesty with no expectations of anything. Keep in mind this is the man who parentally kidnapped my son. We had not spoken civily in over 18 years.... we will never be friends, but the end result was that he apologized to me. We will never have the ability to speak about our experiences because my truth is not his and vice versa. He did also offer to speak to my son and "tell him the truth" or at least encourage him to speak to me about mine. I do not know if that conversation has or will happen... 

My forever best friend, who was also my first Sir reached out. He is back with his ex wife. I have explained to him that I can not be an active part of his life so long as she is. This is because I am viewed by her as a danger... her actions prove this. I am not... but I am always used as an excuse to doubt him. His marriage is important. When they divorced it nearly killed him. I cant and wont be used as a weapon against him again. Instead of fighting me on it, he accepted it. This is, in a way, closure. 

Mr. Richard last messaged me to wish MstrJ and I happiness. I think he truly believes that this is good, and as a result I've not heard another word from him... and in a way this too is closure. It's a compliment. He doesnt need to worry about me anymore. 

Another situation from my past has also popped up within the past week and it has created a space for me to acknowledge the healing that has happened in life and how unrecognizable I am from the woman who first stepped foot on this site what? 7 years ago? 

I don't regret any of the situations that led me to where I am now, because I'm HAPPY. I'm healthy. I'm grateful. "you gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find Prince Charming"... or in my case my Master. I'm done with frogs. 

One person potentially reading will know what I'm talking about...

I'm SORRY that you had to kiss that frog too. It all was unbelievably screwed up. I will never be able to understand everything, because I was fooled. I was so incredibly fooled. I blamed myself. When I messaged you first I was genuine. I asked if you wanted the history in order to make your choices. I was genuine. However the history I gave was missing a huge measure of truth because I did not know the truth. When I learned the truth it nearly killed my ability to have faith in humanity. It's when I stopped signing my name "Faith" ... None of that has anything to do with you. I'm sorry that you experienced the same or worse. I'm sorry for everything you went through. I will never understand self serving scumbag liars who would lie about Cancer and surgery and kids and everything else. I can COMPLETELY comprehend your concern that I might be "in" on it, or a part of it. I swear I was not. If I could have saved anyone even a part of the damage that I was dealt I would go back and do it different. At one point I had made it clear that I would take this to the authorities because this is a crime in the country the person resides in. Honestly though, at this point I just want to be done with it. I have not thought about this frog in years... and no part of me needs any amount of closure from that person because I've found my own. The closure I AM grateful is for understanding why things were sour between us. I'm glad I know now. I'm sorry it took this long. I don't know that we will ever be "besties" because I think we are vastly different people, and that's a BEAUTIFUL thing. I have a lot of respect for what I know of you, and double that for the way you reached out. For any decision you wish I had made differently to protect you or anyone else from this "covert emotional sadist" as I've dubbed him, I'm deeply truly sorry. I wish you JOY, HEALTH, LOVE, FUN, PEACE, HEALING, and every blessing in your current and future endeavors. You and Yours <3 Thank you for closure with YOU. 

to you... who will NEVER deserve a capital ANYTHING on your name... you are right. You were a messed up toad. Correct. You got that right. Don't EVER bother knocking on this door ever again. There is NO door with your name on it. Glad you finally found someone who is "always a Sassypants" wonder if she knows that's what you called me? hmmmm. Sad. To you who dragged me through the mud for YEARS. Thank you. I found my strength, no thanks to you. What you did not succeed in doing was ruining my ability to trust and love. I do want to take one moment to shine a light on one thing for you... you used to accuse me of looking for my guru... maybe it's because I was looking to you for wisdom and guidance? I'm glad that I've found it in SPADES. I do believe people have the ability to change. I hope that you have. If so, amazing. I do not want to hear about it. Good luck. 

for my All Ways

Thank You for all the ways You have helped me find myself, find healthy, find healing, and find closure. I know without a shadow of a doubt that there are not two of You. Thank You for seeing the value in me. 

62 days and counting till I'm Home for the summer! 

Dance with me? Please? 

.... huuurrryyyyy uppppp!

~His grateful slaveMikayla

It's amazing how at times all things work together to get a lesson through to me. My Master's opinion is the only one that counts, and He tells me constantly that I've done GREAT AND HARD WORK "transforming" myself and my health. Still, myself confidence is a work in progress. This past week on vacation we have really each focused on life in front of us.... He had his bachelor week and daughter and I had vacation. Everything this week has worked together to show me the truth of His words. The first night entertainment was a bellydancer... but she was NOT athletic or twig thin...she had a boy on her...yet she was the most CONFIDENT woman I think I've ever seen! I was doing a lot of thinking.... the very next day there was a Bachata lesson. I love dance. In a different stage of life I did dance, including with a previous Sir who taught me West Coast Swing and Shag. When the lesson was,over and they wanted us paired there were 4 of us alone... three gorgeous 20 something svelte Russian chicks and me. 39... curvy, tiny, ....me. out of NOWHERE walks this older but BUILT German man and he held out his hand... I did the whole look behind me for who he MUST be looking at... ME???? LOL. "Unless you don't want?" No no, I do. So Boris proceeded to pull me to the side, tell me the instructor is too basic, and he proceeds to teach me how to REALLY Bachata. He wanted me to go diving with him the next day ( I politely passed, but thanked him for the lesson and damn it felt AMAZING to have been picked that way)...Master agreed. He loved that He has a treasure others see. 

The next night was a " Miss Hotel " Pagent... it was a joke of course...and the animation team insisted I join. They never had a " Miss America" 😉 so again.... curvy tiny me 39.... against 20 whatever Russian in a crop dress.... 20 whatever Estonian in frigging stilettos... a chick from Khazakstan who was ADORABLE newlywed... it was ridiculous, but I played it up. I was in jeans for goodness sake... but I can sing 😉 and I've got jokes. When the audience applauded so loud for me to stay I was LEGIT shocked. It ended up being me vs Russia and I joked it would be a diplomatic crisis. ... the final was bellydance and APPARENTLY I learned my lessons well..... I won! They came up to me after to say NEVER have Russians voted for the non Russian person...and little kids were coming up to me to hug me... every bigger woman in the crowd was "on .y side" ... it was absolutely incredible. 

Last night, there were Latin dancers and the message really hit home. The chick with a curvier body type had the most AMAZING stage presence. She just outshone them all. 

So i get it.... confidence in where I'm at ... and in His pleasure with me. 

Thank you for teaching me. Thank You for seeing me as Your treasure. 

~ His grateful slave Mikayla

" I want you and O/ our daughter to have this"... the words my Master said as he booked our vacation. 

Last year at this time W/ we were enjoying time together. This year, we can't; He is stuck on that side of the ocean without a visitor visa. That didnt stop Him though; He did us one better.... He sent us on vacation ( daugher and i).

I'm laying on a  chair beside waterside, O/our daughter is running up the stairs to slide down the waterside again.... and I'm in tears of geatitude. 

He wanted this for us. I earned this in His eyes. THAT is POWERFUL. I'm sitting here thinking of how I can thank Him for taking care of me as a mom, as a teacher,and as His girl...  Our daughter is yelling  "Mommy come play with us!!!" So I am going to go slide with them.... and im going to live in gratitude. My Master loves me so much and thinks I deserve *this* .... fuck I'm lucky... 

~ His slave Mikayla~

I decided to participate in this challenge where I don't usually. Why? Because I have a point. I know people will click to view and not to read, but I'm going to write this for those who do....

What you see is not what HE gets. This first image is what you see. Every single thing in that image has meaning and value, especially the hoodie that He wore for MONTHS before I visited last time so that it would smell like Him. W/we have two that we swap every other time.... mine and His. Yep, it has a hole in it. Yep, it does nothing to flatter me... Yes, it's what I wear at home all the time. It's the first thing I ever saw Him in, and it's cherished. 

https://i.imgur.com/s8mQgON.jpeg

What HE gets... the earrings bought for Him, because He likes to see them "dance" while I'm busy doing very talented things with those pretty pink lips. 

One of my billion favorite memories is the fact that He surprised me with a bra fitting... under His name. He set up the appointment. He took me for a surprise. He told me to think hard before I gave my name... His name... and He had heard a need. I lost a ton of weight under His guidance and support. As a result I had only 1 bra that fit. He wanted to send me home with the intention that I be consciously aware He is supporting my heart. To "feel His hands" surrounding me and supporting me. Not in sexy ways, but in emotional care ways. ... have I explained recently why I fucking love this Man? 

https://i.imgur.com/HLWCZj3.jpeg

Nope, I'm not 20 anymore. I'm about to be 40. Yep, I've got some wrinkles. Yep my eyes do not look like a spring chicken anymore... but I've never looked for felt sexier. The absolute sexiest thing to Him is confidence and feeling "good in my own skin"... and He has helped me do that. 

I'm nowhere near "done"... but He has done more to hold my Heart and make me shine than anyone in my life. 

https://i.imgur.com/kgZ7O3J.jpeg

Nope... what YOU see is NOT what HE gets.... cause He earned me. ... and I'm working damn hard to earn Him. 

<3 His slaveMikayla

ps... please scroll down for a much more important post. <3 <3 <3

So... been back two weeks and every single atom of my being screams "shuddup have not!" I don't want to be back. I don't want to be away. It doesnt feel like two weeks at all. I'm still grieving the loss, but at the same time I have some small and large joys to share *quickly*. 

ok I lie, they are all large joys. 

#1 I love his mom. We cried together the morning I was going back. #win. 

#2 I already have my ticket for the summer, purchased cash. Done. 

#3 I get to be there again for my birthday and His. 

#4 His female family and I are doing the mudgirl race together this year ^_^

#5 fuck I love this Man. 

Soooooo for those people still searching for your Person... please don't give up. It exists. It isnt a mythical rainbow climbing unicorn... it exists. If I could give my younger self just a snapshot of how it feels to "fit" effortlessly ... how it feels to find this... it would be the greatest gift I could give myself. 

Last night while dealing with business and stress and incompetent people He had this moment where He said "Ya know, I'm just going to keep my hand on your forearm while I'm handling frustrating people, and when I'm 100% done with them I'm going to take my hand off your arm and just let you go for it." My reply was to literally well up with tears and laughter and say "marry me.". So.... He is the most patient polite person I know, EVEN when dealing with absolute insane incompetence. I on the other hand have no qualms with VERY poliely and calmly explaining to someone how much of a moron they are being, and exactly WHY the thing they are doing makes ZERO sense and if they can't manage to do their job with some semblance of logic.. please direct me to someone who can. .... I can be a very Tiger Mama type person.... and this has rubbed past D types wrong. Typically THEY expect to be the Tiger protector person. ^__^.... here's the thing. He handles business better. He handles stress better. He handles decisions better.... but he is so freaking calm and polite and understanding.... even when someone literally can't do their job that they were trained and paid to do. <I> don't handle stress nearly as well. I don't handle decisions nearly as well. I don't handle unknowns AT ALL. I need Him. .... W/we work. YES, this is still a very functional D/s relationship. Why? Cause of His decision to put His hand on my arm.... or unleash Tiger momma. 

*happy sigh*... Yes, that is valid M/s. No slaves do not cease to have a brain, an opinion, and a way to speak their mind. 

One of my favorite couples ever ended up in a situation where that very fact was the sustaining factor. They were together YEARS. Then within 1 year of her moving to Him He was diagnosed with rapidly progressing Lou Gerigs. She took care of Him as He lost His ability to function... up until the last minute He could move a finger or speak a word she relied and deferred to His direction, and when He lost that ability she took all she knew of Him and His past directives until the day she buried Him... 3 years after they moved in together. THAT is very valid M/s too. 

.... thank You for existing. Thank You for finding me. Thank You for all the ways You include me in life. Thank You for knowing me. Thank You for believing in my strength. Thank You for giving me the ability to hand You the things I *can't* handle. Thank You for keeping me accountable. Thank You for being my biggest supporter, my greatest teacher, my Home.... I fugging LOFF You! .... the girl runs back to finish work work stuffs so that W/we have time when You wake. 

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/anEypp5Ff6w

His slaveMikayla 

... hang on... your Person is out there... just gotta wait for the right moment to find Them (or Them to find you!) ... it's worth it, all of it... I swear. 

HURRY UP JUNE 26TH AND GET HERE! 

So I've been back in this space for just under a day. Time moves strangely, just like temperature. When I'm there it feels like time is suspended for most of the time, and then it moves so very quickly. W/we pack so much into the day at times, the first days feel like weeks, this is when O/our hug-o-meters are getting filled; then, without warning, something shifts and time speeds up. The last week usually goes by in the blink of an eye, and W/we both look at eachother in shock at one point and ask eachother "How" ... How did it get to be tomorrow? 

I cracked the code on jetlag, but I will wait to claim victory until I can repeat the miracle next trip. I'm also not crying today, just numb. I'm also experiencing time strangely. I can't decide if it is moving fast or slowly, or not at all. He told me that there is a dangerous kind of snow that can happen when you are driving and it is night, and you can see nothing except the headlights and the snow and the blackness, and it almost looks like a movie portrayal of "warp speed" , it is dangerous because it is easy to "get lost" in it. To be unable to really tell your position in relation to space or speed. 

This description is intriguing to me. 

Right now I'm numb, and nothing feels real. part of me physically still feels like I'm on a plane, I don't know if anyone else ever experiences that after flying long distance, but for me, for a few days after I can still feel the dip and rise of being in the air. 

So for today I'd like to share one of O/our powerful practices... W/we save one of the "best" experiences for O/our last days. Preferably the last night. W/we have done this intentionally since the very first trip. W/we know that that last little bit will be necessarily emotionally hard, and if W/we let ourselves it would be easy to "wallow" or "get bogged down" in the anticipation of loss. One of the ways W/we avoid this is by making intentional plans that W/we have looked forward to and will get U/us out and active and engaged in the moment, rather than the anticipation of the coming day(s). (note: anticipation does not necessarily have a positive connotation, neither does excitement.) 

The first summer I was entrusted with making the plans, and I saved something amazing for the last night. I took Him to a space He had long desired to go; to Medieval Nights the horse show. I got U/us a special table and even signed Him up to be "knighted". He still has the momento on His bedside. Apparently I picked a title for Him that they had never used before, so that was pretty unique as well. The plan worked, and W/we were swept into the evening, focused on the event and the joy rather than the impending loss. 

Then, on the morning of W/we have breakfast together. Ideally, we go out for breakfast and have some time. My favorite memory is still of the time W/we went and had CrackerBarrel together. It was lovely, but so was Tim Hortons. Everything has its place, its own beauty. 

So this time, one of my favorite memories was also towards the end, but it was drastically different that W/we had planned. W/we left the house with the intention of going to my tutoring session (I have the opportunity to tutor some children in the area online when I'm here, and in person when I'm there. This opportunity has really been a game changer in relation to my financial stability when I'm visiting Him. As it stands, things when I'm in my own space are *fine*. I'm ok, but the economic situation of my country is .... precarious, to say the least. I would be 100% unable to do anything in the way of providing my own ticket to go and see Him... but this opportunity has made that possible. I have been able,with His help, and with this tutoring, to manage. )

So W/we headed to tutoring (a little sad, because it did feel like a small loss of time, but also grateful for the boost it provides). Then W/we were intending to go on a date. I've never been to a casino, and the intention was to go and have some fun on a very set budget. If W/we win, awesome, if not, hey it was a lovely couple hours of fun. ... but when W/we got to tutoring a very different opportunity presented! The family surprised U/us with tickets to the zoo, a bonus for my time and effort, and some other small gifts. I was really overwhelmed. Here's the kicker... He was very happy to "pivot" . 

See, He is an opportunistic Dominant. I do not claim that this is a term anyone else would use, but it is the term that W/we use. W/we discuss it pretty frequently. I have been in around this lifestyle for coming up on 20 years, and maybe the people I've met are the exception... but He is different. Most that I've known are very clear on Their Will and Their plans. They have a vision, and they execute it. This is very well and good. Most of Them can certainly roll with the punches, and find ways to solve problems... but I have not known too many who are willing to "pivot". By that, I mean most times opportunities that present that had not been in Their original plan are not followed up. MstrJ is the exception to this, in my own experience... He is ready and willing and EXCITED to pivot on a moment's notice. Saving $60 because W/we were given tickets to the zoo??? YES! 

Going to walk around outside on a rainy, cold, overcast day ... when I look at Him and say: "Can W/we?" YES! 

It was an amazing day filled with holding hands, and excitement, and joy, and discussion... 

very few people were there, though it was not empty. W/we were able to get right up next to each habitat, and every single time that I wanted to ask a question of the zookeepers I was able, because I was pretty much the only one asking. Never once did He get annoyed with my questions. W/we got to see the new Polar bear. One of the penguins played tag with me. I had no idea that reindeer scratch behind their ears just like a DOG!!! 

I didn't know that meerkats have a "Sentinel" and I had no idea they slept in a cuddle puddle. ... I was shocked at how BIG porcupines are... and why in the heck do they stand in a line? 0__o

W/we watched the Gibbons and they are bizarre creatures! Fantastic, but bizarre. 

The best moment of all was seeing the baby Red Pandas roughhousing. They love to jump into the springy bushes, and have no fear of getting hurt when they "miss". They also apparently scratch their tushes on one single rock... the SANE rock, must be a good scratching post. 

Last but not least, now Lemurs wrap their entire bodies into a tangle to sleep. 

The thing is... if He were not an opportunist, W/we'd not have had those memories. If He were not willing to pivot to take advantage of the chance; yeah We'd have had an amazing day. 100%. W/we DID go to the Casino the very next day, and it was amazing... but because He was willing to pivot W/we had two lovely "last memories" for the trip. 

I love this one not only because of the song, but also because of the video. 

Thank You for all the ways You support me. Thank You for being able and excited to pivot. Thank You for being an opportunist. Thank You for walking in the cold and overcast and rainy even in the not perfect shoes. Thank You for being EXCITED with me. Thank You for lemuring with me. Thank You for lunch. Thank You for being exactly who and how You are. I LOFF YOU! 

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/anEypp5Ff6w

His slaveMikayla

Waiting to go very far from the home and Man I love. The tripwas exceptional, O/our time valuable,  and the separation temporary but necessary. Doesn't make it easier.... 

So one tidbit of a conversation which He laughed and told me I had to post: 

Background: I brought the warm with me. It hadn't snowed at all until Sunday. Getting ready to go visit his folks I saw the snow and asked to go play in it. He allowed it and as I'm on the way out the door He calls me to come hold His shaving cream. Of course I'm happy to, but I can't help but loudly beg: please, Sir can I snow? Please please please? ( said in identical to tone and tenor of " please, Sir may I cum???) We both cracked up and I was sent to play in ze snow. ^_^

His slaveMikayla 

Thank you Butterflies and Cuffs for the challenge:

I've got a few pairs to add: 

Start Again by RED

Call and Answer by Barenakked Ladies

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grow as We Go Ben Platt 

Alanis Morsette Nothing in Return

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

;) cause... *cough* .... *grin*

Aerosmith Love in an Elevator 

His slaveMikayla

At one point in my life I started to carry around a notebook in which I'd write the most powerful statements of affirmation that people said. I had to have this external reminder of outside validation because I had been so emotionally broken that that's what I needed. 

Since I met MstrJ, I've never written anything else in that book. I actually have no idea where it is now... whoops. 

That isn't to say that He hasnt said anything profound to me, NAH, it's because He has helped me learn how to heal that need inside myself such that I don't need that book anymore. 

I'd like to share a couple things with you today...

When W/we first met it was absolutely NOT love at first sight. Don't get me wrong, this Man is the most handsome man I've ever set eyes on... I mean... He is WAY WAY WAYYYYYYY out of my league. He has the most beautiful eyes, the most amazing smile... his hair looks like He comes straight out of a friggin magazine. I owe it to a friend and dammit Jim and a lost bet that now his beard care is *on point!* ... and don't get me started on His arms ... fuck I have a love affair with His arms... His legs put everyone's to shame! .... He is just ridiculous. 

No, it wasn't love at first sight, because He is younger than me by quite a bit... and He is newer to the lifestyle than me by a LOT... and when W/we met I was in rough shape. I had just been dropped on my ass at a very hard moment by someone who I thought was such a stable human being, a grown ass man with his life sorted... and then in walks MstrJ and I was unsteady. My protector at the time told me absolutely not. This was not the person for me (and yes, I listened to Her... but at the same time I kept my eyes and ears open.) I watched Him... I listened critically... and here is the first sentence I'd like to share:

"Have I earned you?" ..... let that one sink in for a minute... "Have I earned you?" 

A man will tell you exactly what he thinks of you if you listen, you just have to BELIEVE HIM. 

I messed up in my previous relationships because I didn't BELIEVE THEM. 

"I'm broken... I've but one broken head and yoo many hats to wear." <<< and I'd say "You can do this!" I thought I needed to be his cheerleader. No, what he was saying is: I dont want this responsibility, I'm not capable. 

"I'm no good for you." and I'd say "You're the best thing for me!" What he was really saying was "I dont want to do the work to make this a functional relationship that's good for us both."

But then there's MstrJ: "Have I earned you?" .... Unwrap that... "I see value in you." "You are worth working for." "I'm willing to self evaluate to ensure that both O/our needs and wants are met." .... 

Statement #2 Before W/we met in person the first time I had so much anxiety over if He would be attracted to me or not. I've done a TON of work to get myself sorted, but the truth is there was a lot to "fix" and there are still miles to go. So one day when I expressed this fear to Him I asked what if someone asked Him why He is with me, noting the "out of my leagueness." His reply without ever missing a beat was "I HOPE someone asks me that, because I already know EXACTLY what I'd say." ... now... I never got to hear His planned response, but the way in which He responded to me told me two things which gave me peace:

#1 He does not hold unrealistic expectations... He knows how far I've come and He knows how far I've still got to walk... He is fully aware that I'm not someone who just stepped out of a magazine (He is)... but He HAS a reply.

#2 He has a considered reply which He is proud of, which means He has some foundation upon which He is steady, and a response which He would be glad to share.... I wish I'd gotten the chance to hear it. 

Statement #3 You are the perfect package, always have been... you were just at the wrong address. 

I think this is something that applies to U/us both. In previous relationships W/we have failed miserably at making the other person happy. W/we have been weighed, measured, and found wanting.... but that's because W/we weren't meant for those people. 

There have honestly been so many important statements in the course of our 4 years, it would take a book to cover them... 

but the last one is this:

"You add so much value to my life. Thank you."

Life is hard when W/we aren't together. Life truly comparatively sucks.... it's so much better when I'm here to cook breakfast, get His clothes for the day, pack a fulfilling and nutritious lunch, clean and organize the home when He is at work, plan and execute a great dinner, be emotionally and physically available; entertaining and engaging for the evening, and a warm soft body to comfort in bed.... yeah... comparatively the lack of those tings is deeply felt... #worththewait

He gives me every bit as much, and then some... 

Thank You for valuing me, for Your patience, for Your support, for Your pride, for Your guidance... for all that You do for me and kiddo.

~His slaveMikayla

It's one of those things, either you will love having a partner who can laugh at the mishaps and sideways moments in scene, or it will pi** you right off. 

Cheers to those who love a great laugh! I am so glad He does, or I'd be in a world of hurt. 

His slave Mikayla. 

Ps... gasping "oh shit, I'm losing my tail! While picturing myself in my minds eye trying comically to "hang on" to beads while in an interesting predicament posture. And my laughing hysterically at myself was not helping. ... hope all you who love humor find someone who finds it all just as funny as you do!