Lilyanna(sub female)

My Random Thoughts, Rants, and Vents

Sometimes my head gets to full and I need to get it down and sort it out. Writing it down can help me get perspective on whatever situation (good or bad) is occupying my mind. Basically just a peek inside of what makes me tick.

When to say when.

3 years ago. January 31, 2021 at 3:32 AM

How can you tell if a relationship has come to the point of time to move on?

This is the dilemma that I have been wrestling with for the past few months. How long to wait for something before your just wasting time.

I met a Dom on this site and just as we started to get to know each other and had met a couple times once in public and once at his house then COVID hit. We never got to the point of making things official. We are just in some kind of weird holding pattern. He got extremely busy. We haven't been able to spend much time together. When we can I think we have a great time. He said he enjoys our time together and wants more. Unfortunately this is only about every other month and sometimes only for a couple hours at most. We have never done a scene or even had any kind of sex. A little kissing and touching and me giving oral. Neither of us has been seeing anyone else. Lately it seems he has been losing interest. I have been getting more frustrated and sad maybe even a little depressed. I just can't help but think that if he really wanted to see me he would find a way. We only live an hour apart. I have tried to come up with ideas even so far as traveling to where he happens to be. He travels a lot for work. I will admit I don't have much confidence in myself. I need the reassurance that he thinks of me and misses me and wants to see me.

He says he wants communication so I tried to regularly tell him what I'd going on with me and what I am thinking. But the communication seems to be mostly one sided. He doesn't seem to open up to me unless we are in person. I am thinking I misinterpreted what he meant by communication. He will text me if I text first but rarely if ever does he text first. Phone conversations I could count on one hand and video chats are a never. Maybe I have been to needy or asked for to much. If so why not just be straight with me and tell me?

Recently he was supposed to text me and let me know if he had to go out of town, this was on a Wednesday and he was supposed to text by Thursday to let me know. I heard nothing from him and I waited and waited. Finally on Saturday night I texted him needless to say I was upset. I didn't rant I just let him know he had hurt me and I was angry. (Mostly angry with myself for allowing him to be important enough to hurt me). Turns out he had a family emergency which is why he didn't text on Thursday. Which is fine but I thought that by Saturday I would have deserved a short text to let me know what was going on.

He says he expects and gives respect but I don't feel very respected. I asked him to let me know when he wants to see me and have stopped texting. I don't want to play games but I don't like the feeling of being so low on someone's priority list that I can't be bothered with. Kind of squashes my already low confidence and self esteem.

I don't want to give up but I don't want to be disrespected and treated like an afterthought either.

Feels a little better to just let it out.

Lexxa(sub female) - "I just can't help but think that if he really wanted to see me he would find a way." You already have your answer. I always say that actions speak louder than words. When someone genuinely wants you in their life they will find time to be with you. Communication is a two way street. A text only takes seconds out of someones day. "Too busy" is just a nice way of saying 'I'm not really that into you'.

3 years ago

Jack in the box - What she said. ☝

3 years ago

Lilyanna(sub female) - Hard as it is to hear I know your right.

3 years ago

Solarlee(sub female) - I so hear you! I was dating this dom several months ago...he was the one who said he wanted us to be exclusive but even after saying that he never would update his profile or call me his girlfriend. There were a couple times I felt like he sort of rushed me out of his place like he just wanted to get on to better things. It hurt when we broke up but I'm at a point in my life where just do not feel like I have time for games. My new approach is just to be intensely direct about what I'm looking for. I wish for you all the best!!

3 years ago

HeyLittleOne(sub female) - Just my two cents, but I believe that once someone starts having genuine doubts about their relationship or partner, then that is a sign to take a step back and evaluate.
Are you happy right now, both with him and with the relationship?
Does he make you feel better or worse than you would if you weren't in a relationship with him?
Are you both meeting each other's needs?
Do you make each other a better, happier, more fulfilled person?
Do you think that there are things about your relationship that need discussing or changes made? Do you feel comfortable bringing those things up to him? If you have, was he willing to listen to your concerns and help to make you more comfortable?

The best thing that I can recommend is, if you're comfortable with it, to sit him down and have an in-depth conversation with him about how you're feeling and where you see your relationship heading if something doesn't change. Ask him how he's feeling, what he wants out of the relationship, and if there is anything that he finds an issue with or that he believes needs changing. Bring to his attention his actions that bother you (such as long periods without talking, and you having to initiate it), find out if he has an issue with anything, and then ask him how you can work together to resolve both of your concerns.

Wishing you the very best, and thank you for sharing your thoughts with us ♡

3 years ago

Cressida Clytie(masochist female){Taken} - It will only take 1 minute or less to text. Just to text that there's an emergency or he needs space. That 1 minute can bring peace to the both of you but unfortunately it was not given to you. Believe me or not, I know how it feels. I know it's hard but give him space and give your self peace.

3 years ago

evergrey(sub female){Ashigeru} - Yeah, that's a lack of respect there. It takes very little effort to text somebody and let them know what's up.

3 years ago

TheAnt(dom male) - All I see, unfortunately, are red flags. A sub should take priority in a Dom’s life. In my opinion, you gave a gift that is beyond comparison to anything in the vanilla world.
Family is not as important as you are so to me that’s one red flag. I have lost count how many times I have told my family (or anyone really) that I was talking on the phone to that I have to answer a call when my sub calls me.
If there is a genuine emergency AND he is in panic mode, ok so he fails to call you first, BUT he could have easily sent a message while talking to the family person and certainly could have spent a couple minutes sometime in that 3 to 4 days to alert you. But again see the above issue with family in his case. That aside this still earns a second flag for not bothering to tell you the emergency.
Thirdly, all gives by you and none received???? Really a selfish dude. Third red flag. A Dom needs to make sure his sub is happy and satisfied.
I could go on....
But truthfully, here is my final take on this. If you want this to work but he chooses to place you beneath all in his life, then it honestly cannot work. I don’t say this to be cruel, I say it out of experience. I tried to hang onto a dynamic that was IRL and frankly it was a waste of energy at the end. It takes two (or more in case of poly) to keep the dynamic full of energy and excitement. It takes both sides of the “slash” to be satisfied emotionally and sexually. Failure to do so, means it’s a matter of time to the destruction of the dynamic and the longer only one person tries to keep the dynamic up, the more drained that person is. The other person walks away feeling almost nothing as that is what they chose to put into it.
This is my opinion based solely on one post, so maybe I am wrong....
-DA

3 years ago

Lilyanna(sub female) - Thank you everyone for your comments. This is my first foray into this dynamic. I really tried hard to make this work. But I do feel drained like I don't have much more I can give. Leaves me feeling a little bit lost. We never got to the point of giving and receiving submission. So it feels like limbo where we are not this but not that either. So frustrating.

3 years ago

Lilyanna(sub female) - I am sure he sees things differently from his perspective so obviously this is only my side. He is a good person. Just maybe not the right one for me or just bad timing due to covid and things did not get to develop as they could have.

3 years ago

OraclePollon(sub female){NotYours} - right! You got it girl!! Just because you find a good person, does not make compatibility a given. Good luck finding yours.

3 years ago

MountaintopMaster - I can speak for at least a few million of the men on this planet, if not most, when I say that if there is a willing woman who is interested in us and "we" blow her off like that, it means we're just not serious and not worth YOUR time.

In other words, yes, you have every right to expect good communication from someone when they say THEY want good communication, lol, especially when you have made it clear that you want to progress the relationship.

So, yeah, step back to evaluate, and either tell them you're stepping back and are going to leave the ball in their court, or tell them that you're taking your open offer off the table completely because you need to actively look for someone else who can provide what you need.

Before we put a bow on that, let's give credit where it's due and play devil's advocate for just one second: Yes, 2020 was horrible, and yes, it's still lingering in many places. Yes, a family emergency is a reason to not communicate with someone you met online. Yes, traveling for work might mean that you're frequently unable to make things work out, and it's just not an ideal time to be jumping into a dynamic or a relationship.

All that to say, maybe they're actually a great person, but they're just struggling to get through the same crap we're all getting through? Well, not necessarily. If you're truly interested in someone, you'll find a way to message them. In fact, when a family emergency hits, or when that next "ugh" work project comes up, you know who you DO turn to, to express your feelings? The person you're REALLY interested in.

TLDR, it does sound like a challenging situation, but the red flags are there; time to step back and either close the door, or tell them it's up to them to walk through the door.

3 years ago

slaveMikayla(sub female){MstrJ } - or maybe he is socially awkward and just not that awesome at long distance communication?
I'm going to second HeyLittleOne(sub female) on this. Her questions are the exact ones I'd be asking myself.
If the relationship isnt filling your needs and is detrimental to who you are and your self esteem, and if it isnt worth talking through then you have your answer. If, however, it is worth a conversation then nothing to be lost by having one?

3 years ago

Lion(dom male){Hazel Eyes} - What everyone else said, communication is key in any relationship. Hazel and I either texted or talked on the phone everyday. You must make an effort to get a result, seems like you are the only one making the effort and you're not getting the results you want. Remember the submissive gives power to the dominant, he doesn't seem like he wants or deserves yours.Big hug.💖

3 years ago

The Kinky Poet(other male) - Everything goes both ways if you feel you are doing everything there's a problem. Never sell yourself short
BE STRONG BE BEAUTIFUL AND BE YOU
remember your worth and you should always be ENOUGH
love and light
T.K.P xx

3 years ago

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Lilyanna​(sub female)

My Random Thoughts, Rants, and Vents

When to say when.

Lilyanna(sub female)