This one is NOT about food

Okay, so like 15 quick things. First, I am slightly perplexed as to how to start my blogs but I think I had a pretty awesome idea. I am going to begin by giving a quick quotes of the day/week depending on the last blog etc etc. 

*Quotes of YESTERDAY* 

"Great Grandor's glove." For those that are a fan of Final Space. Absolutely hilarious and fantastic all over. I suggest you check it out on Netflix if you have the time. 

"Zoom zoom zoom" Speaking to my dogs, in a backwards way I was trying to calm them down.... You also had to hear the tone, it makes a massive difference. 

"Mmmmm ... Butter" I will explain this in greater detail down below. As it becomes part of the reason why I made this post in the first place. 

Secondly, I do not choose to write for anyone but myself. My intention is to explain the circumstances of my life, why I thought a certain way, how that situation effected my mental being, what I got out of it and why it was important to me. It is my hope that through a portion of my experience, it may offer some advice or encouragement if you find yourself in a similar situation. I want to connect to people and with people. If you don't find value in my words that's okay too, because I write to help myself understand what a certain situation meant to me. 

So let's get into this! 

It's been a bit since my last blog, and seemingly nothing had been going on in my life. Yesterday, a whole other story. There was a lot that went on, and I am so excited to share a portion of what I learned. 

If you are new to my blog, or don't know all that much about me I have been doing the keto diet now for almost 3 weeks. I looked online, I did a whole bunch of research into what foods are really good, and how to approach eating and living this way. I found some great references for a complete keto diet!!! I was super excited, making my 2 meals a day with some light snacking in between. It has helped create consistency in my life, and not only that but I am forced to act with a lot of discipline to avoid sugar and carbs. Especially when you see that donut that is just calling out to you, begging to be eaten... Anyways, I haven't gone out to acquire any of the testing strips or ways of determining if my body had hit ketosis or not. So I had no idea if I was on the right path or exactly how things were going to improve or change with this diet. Because of how my shift rotates at work, I very rarely run into my coworkers and often times it can be months before I see certain people depending on how my shift aligns that week or month. I was fortunate enough to run into a buddy of mine who actually years ago was the first person to even introduce this idea of a keto diet to me. So I got excited, and we started chatting about the diet and what needs to happen. As I began explaining the foods I was eating and the quantities he looked at me and said "This is a problem, you will never achieve ketosis if you don't change." 

Slap to the face! What??? But Ive done all this research, taken the time to find a meal plan that works in my lifestyle. But I'm missing the mark? As we continued to discuss he offered me some very valuable references on YouTube to get more information. So I will begin to scour through at some point today. The thing that shocked me, and shook me to the core is this idea. We may have the tools, the right implements and the mindset. But without the proper information of what we are actually doing, our results can end up far from what we intended. 

In this example, I had the right food, I was preparing it a way I enjoyed, I was hitting all my markers for a "keto" diet. Except for one small thing. My portion control. When you achieve ketosis it's because the main source for fuel in your body shifts from glucose (the energy used from breaking down sugar and carbs) to ketones (burning fat). The issue is you need to make sure you remove the carbs so that the only fuel source to burn becomes the ketones. Now the issue with my meal plan, the right food, the right time, the WRONG amounts!!!! I had way too much protein and not even close to enough fat. Instead of using glucose for fuel, I have shifted my body to use protein. Better? I'm not sure, but it wasn't my intended goal. It's not what I'm after. If I never would have bumped into my friend yesterday, I would have continued on, ignorant to the fact that I was not properly balancing my diet to actually engage my body into ketosis. I would have spent months thinking "Did I do it? Have I achieved ketosis yet?" All the while, missing the mark and not even knowing. The way I was eating was a Paleo diet, while not bad it's not what I am looking for because you will never begin to burn ketones using protein as your fuel source. One of the biggest pieces of advice I got, "get a food tracker app". Count your tablespoons and measure out amounts of coconut oil, measure the weight of your veggies and protein. You need accurate precise information to ensure you hit a 2:1 or 3:1 ratio of fat : protein. I picked up a food tracker app and last night for the first time I got my ratios correct and actually began my first step into ketosis. The thing is between the Paleo diet and Keto diet, the ingredients are the same. But cooking in the pan, looks completely different. 

That "sauce" you see... Yeah that's straight butter and coconut oil. When I was eating my dinner I actually wound up getting 3 small spoonfuls of just butter. That may sounds gross but cooking in some onion and mushrooms with a bit of chicken seared from the pan... It was some of the tastiest bites I have had in a long time. I did manage to add a tiny piece of mushroom to the butter on the fourth bite haha. 

Anyways, the whole point of all of this comes back to our lifestyle and how we choose to look at things. We can approach and sit and learn. We can see the tools and understand them. But it takes precise understanding to actually end up where you want to go. Many times I have felt flustered and overwhelmed. Flailing around like I'm drowning, trying to desperately understand where I am at in life and just who I am. I've found pieces of me. Each day I am tested and overcome some trial or another. Whether it's a small test of patience or a giant opportunity. It's taking each moment and utilizing it effectively to better ourselves.

How can I begin to do this?

Let me tell you some ways I have let focus into my life. Perhaps you could try one of these options if you feel it may add benefit to your life. When I drive my car, I turn my radio off and I say out loud "Today I am enough. I want to focus on being calm, quiet, confident and patient. Strength births character, character births integrity, integrity births stability, stability births confidence, confidence births peace." That is how I begin, and then depending on the day, what I have experienced what's going on, how my mood is or how my heart is feeling I may add more time and speak to myself in other ways. Or I may say that's enough and turn the music back on. It's just a few minutes or sometimes it can turn into hours of silence. It depends on the day and what I need in that moment. 

It has also been suggested by a friend that I create a medpack of sorts to handle crisis and stress in my life. So one thing I am constantly trying to remind myself is "Approach this situation with patience." No matter what happens when I begin to feel overwhelmed, I think to myself "Approach with patience." That thought triggers me to take action, by allowing time for myself. How can I take time for myself? I take a long slow 3-4 second inhale, and slowly exhale. This pattern has had a lot of success for me, because it's a thought and action pattern which becomes habit when pressed into action repeatedly. Because I have an action that can follow the thought pattern, there is something I can physically do to change my state. Which interrupts the rise of frustration and helps to bring calm quiet back to my mind. I can think more clearly and approach the situation with a level head. Depending on the situation and what's going on, I may take a step further and then ask "Is this honest?" If you take a look inside all that you are, and can say "I have done my best" then leave it at that. It's all you can do, and if you allow yourself to get bent out of shape you can regret it. I know I have regretted many moments where I allowed my emotion to rule instead of approaching the situation with patience, but now I cant go back and change how I acted. I have to move forward and improve for next time. Take the history we have and learn from it, to grow and explore more of who we are. 

I'm also very excited today, because for the first time in my adult life I have some time to myself. I dropped my wife off at the airport this morning, she is heading to see her boyfriend and his two children for the first time. She will be gone for at least a month, and during that time I have my entire house to myself. I have a lot of projects and necessary grounds keeping tasks to attend, but I am going to plan out my month using my calendar. I am going to structure my life around the things I am interested in, and set timelines to accomplish certain tasks. I have a massive opportunity to really step into who I am. I feel so free and ready to jump into this, I'm actually writing this while nude. Because no one is here except me and my animals, and I enjoy being naked in my own home. I'm going to do my utmost to make sure this is a productive month and I don't allow procrastination to take hold of me. I'm hoping that I can achieve all I set before myself, but I plan to keep a bit of a log of my journey. I feel optimistic that at the end of this month I will be much closer to the person I desire to be. That I know I am. 

Anyways, this has been a massive ramble and a lot to go over. Hopefully you enjoyed yourself, and found a useful bit of information you can attempt to apply in your life.

I hope everyone has a fantastic day!! Remember to smile ?

First I want to express to my thanks to the many individuals I have met here. Every person I have interacted with here has caused me to take stock and reflect. To improve in some small or dramatic way. I haven't been as active this last week or so because I needed some time to process a few things that needed my attention. Sometimes the only way to truly move forward is to take a step back, with few interruptions and begin to evaluate what it is that makes us who we are. 

So to begin, what do we consider to be *me*? I was doing some reading, and listening to different podcasts and I encountered an exceptionally interesting thought. Who am I VS who I *THINK* I am? This is exceptionally critical. There is a massive difference between our authentic self, and the person we want or imagine ourselves to be. 

Recently I encountered a moment where I had to take a step back and really consider what this lifestyle means. I had approached someone to begin a conversation but at this time we aren't really compatible and there were some concerns expressed. We discontinued our conversation because it was what was necessary for her well being. During this process her protector made some evaluations of me, through my blogs and the interactions I've had on here. She wrote me and was very polite, took the time to discuss the importance of why people are protected (please let's begin to honour this system more!!! People we need to respect and honour what it means when you have someone looking out for your best interests here) She explained why she didn't consider me an appropriate Dom and I'm not going to lie it stung. My ego took a slap to the face and all those emotions, that reaction to the situation made me begin to question somethings about myself. Here's the rub though. Her opinion, was based in observation of my words and actions. So, after a took a second and relaxed a little I had to ask myself the question. Where do I fall short? Why is it that I'm not taken seriously? In what ways am I not serious about this lifestyle? I'm inexperienced, but that's also part of where I am lacking dedication and could improve. I reached out to my mentor and he gave me some really good insights and simply stated I need to go and do more research. I need to find out more. Both of these people are absolutely correct. I lack many things still here, and I will grow and have grown. My mentor offered some excellent resources for me to begin those necessary steps of acquiring more information. Things to consider, he even suggested looking outside of my own preferences and consider how gay, lesbian or triad dynamics work to consider other perspectives. It's about opening yourself and your mind to the potential. I believe part of the reason we may not consider someone else's perspectives is because we are so focused on us, and the biases and some prejudices we hold. What if we can allow to release those thoughts and objectively evaluate what a dynamic means and why it works or doesn't. I found in this moment, I realized why I wasn't seen as serious. Because I'm "not". I haven't researched as much as I should have, I haven't sought out the information I needed to become more informed. I have to be willing to look at myself from someone else's perspective and ask HONESTLY in what ways am I perceived this way? Why would they believe *X* about me? Is there validity to their concerns, in what ways am I falling short without realizing it? Honestly looking at yourself you begin to see "Oh, I could do this better. I could work on that." I see how I am perceived because some of my actions align and set up that view of me. There is a basis for why people create views of us. Now we need to take this with a grain of salt. By no means am I saying listen to all the opinions people have about you. What I merely want you to consider is "why does this person see me this way?" Is there a valid reason for their concern? If so, WHY? It's not about listening to some jackass that's spouting off their mouth because someone pissed in their cereal this morning. You also should consider the relationship this person has to you, or the people you are interacting with. Has this been a chance encounter and this is the first time you are speaking? How well does this person know you and what are their intentions when voicing their concerns? Are they telling you this to protect someone, or to insult you? So of course each situation is different, and we must objectively begin to evaluate where we may not be as far along in our journey than WHERE WE THINK WE ARE! Wooooo! Now I'm excited and you want to know why? Because in that moment of honesty I was able to take a small step forward in my own journey. I realized where an area was that I could improve, and because of my mentor I now have the resources to go and search for that which I'm missing. 

Now. Let's refocus.

Me vs who I think I am. We all struggle with this. We allow the ego to step in and say "Oh I should be a professional football player. I can't run, I have no eye hand coordination and trip over nothing all the time, but I WANT to be a professional football player". (Not really just an example people) We can allow our desires to cloud the authentic view of who we are. No one wants to fail or let down their friends. No one wants to lie or harm other people, but it happens. We let those who are significant in our lives down in someway. The difference is in the perspective. Firstly, Is this right for me? Is this in line with who I am as an authentic person? Or is it shaded with doubt because I am trying to force myself into someone else's framework? I desire to be everything for *you* so I will shift and break this part of me to fit into *your* life. This is where we need to take the time to know ourselves, to look deep into us and see our actions, choices and desires. Not the things we would like to be, or how we desire to be *X*. Those views can be beneficial, those desires are a wonderful thing when they align with the authentic person you are. Just make sure you aren't trying to pull yourself away by thinking "I need to be this or that way." 

The reason I bring all of this up is because I struggle with this. Am I truly dominant? Is enjoying control enough to make me dominant? Who am I authentically? Are there other side's to me I hadn't considered before? The answer in short is yes. Over this last weekend I was fortunate enough to have a friend offer me their help. They gave me an opportunity and space to find out what I needed to about myself. Not that it was anything special. We talked and laughed, found out about each other, joked about silly things and discussed important moments from our past. There was no destination we were just talking, but throughout our discussions I found a critical change in my thinking. I'm not just dominant, because I have the ability to submit. In many ways I am a switch. I can be dominant sure, I *desire* to be dominant, but that's me trying to force myself solely into a box. To fit a label. What I am is a beautiful person, who sees dominance and submission as both equally valuable. I had a friend from way back in high school, something he said to me back then struck a chord with me and has always stuck with me. He asked me "would you ever do something you asked someone else to try?" For his instance he wanted a girl to try anal for the first time and he offered to try as well to show it wasn't so bad. To me that really impacted me. When I think about submission and why we choose to submit for me it comes down to the simple fact, I want to show you the dedication I expect. I can offer myself and say "this is the level of effort I require". Let me show you the dedication I have to you, and allow me the opportunity to demonstrate exactly how I see submission. It's to set a framework for my expectations when I retain my dominance. So that when we struggle there is a reminder of what it is we are working towards together. I've learned a lot about myself. I've begun to find the pieces of who I *TRULY* am. Not just the person I desire to be. 

I'm taking my steps towards my true self, and I hope you all manage to move forward in some way today. My suggestion for dramatic improvement in your life today would be to learn to objectively evaluate the situations of your life. Discern the difference between what I *THINK* I want, and what is it that I *NEED*. I'm still making my way, but I feel more complete. I feel more ready to take action in my day because I know and understand better who exactly I am. 

Somethings to ponder and look at, and I truly hope this may offer some guidance to furthering your own journey. 

I hope everyone has a phenomenal day, and remember to smile!! 

I experienced a very vivid moment earlier on in my day today. I wanted to create a blog about what it was that occured, but I also needed some time to process things. I've done a little processing, and I'm finally ready to express just a tiny side of who I am and what this community means. 

Today I had an opportunity. I made a choice.

When I smoke cannabis there are a number of ways that I can be affected. Firstly, I can get very spiritual. Sometimes I will stand in my living room and meditate, trying to feel the earth hurtling through the universe. (The crazy part is, sometimes I can feel the movement of the universe, but that may be another topic altogether) Secondly, I can get motivated to accomplish the daily tasks in my life. Sometimes getting motivated to workout or to relax so I can get into a natural flow for my singing, dancing, beatboxing, what have you. Thirdly, I can become very emotionally attached or committed. It's hard to describe this as it's very different everytime. Today though I had a very challenging moment for myself. 

When I was smoking today I encountered the third form of being emotionally connected. Today the way in which that expressed itself was the culmination of part of my BDSM mentality and the desire of a young single male. 

Allow me to explain just a tiny bit. The first part, my BDSM mentality. I see the world of BDSM in many different ways, and I almost imagine the different facets and areas we all play as subsets of BDSM. Or another way of thinking about it as if you had a split personality disorder. To me I have many different ranges and forms of how I exist within BDSM. I see every single part as its own unique identity that can take control over me. I can allow to show more of my little side, my animalistic side, my gentleman side, my sadistic side. Each of us has our own way of choosing our expressions, we just need to understand which aspect we intend to play in. Feeling jittery? Lets relax and get tied down so we don't feel so anxious. Whatever we are experiencing in this moment is acceptable, we want to be swatted, caressed, held, watched over. It doesn't matter. It's just what we need in that moment. 

So what this means in regards to myself and my experience today. I was feeling particularly emotionally connected to the animalistic side of my dominance. This side of me is very primal, and can lead me into some darker paths of myself. The only way I could describe how I felt today was in stages. It began as a bubbling and I could feel the anger and the primal rage that can begin to take over me when I allow my animalistic side to run rampant. It was like feeling boiling water inside of your veins, you could see and begin to feel the boil as it continued to heat up. It felt like there was a hood, creeping its way up my back and slowly settling over my consciousness. Starting to cloud my judgement, beginning to overwhelm my senses. The more this hood began to remove my sight, I could feel this sense of primal hunter begin to take over. More and more of myself could feel that turn inside of me. The less I was aware, the more animal I was beginning to embody. 

This would have been a much bigger problem if I wasn't aware of my own personal triggers and I recognized a moment where I was on a cliffs edge in my mind. I could feel most of myself had been drifting into this lullaby of animalistic lust, and in that moment I was on the cusp of falling into the void. Who knows what may or may not happen as we can't understand decisions we don't make, but if I had allowed myself to fall into this void and given in completely to the animal that's inside of me I have no idea the damage I may have caused. Knowing who I am and what I am capable of, I am certain there would have been all sorts of damage and harm done. It would have been directed at two lovely individuals who have asked for my consent to own them. I would have used the guise of their "willingness" and their acceptance of me as a way to do absolutely anything I desired. 

The thing is we are still a community. Each one of us, lives, breathes, finds joy and suffers immeasurable pains. We need to be respectful of what our actions as dominants can cause. We have the potential to destroy lives and crush those underneath our whims. We can put pressure and refuse to give up until something snaps, and leave people broken hearted, a husk of who they once were trying to pick up the pieces of their life. 

The thing is as dominants we are responsible for the well being of our charges. Even those that have requested their interest in us, even if it's as simple as "getting to know you" conversation, we are still responsible for their well being. Our words and actions still have an impact on those in our world. 

While I was struggling, teetering on this edge of losing myself it felt in that moment if I would have let go that I could have blacked out. I would have let any sense of morality disappear and there would have been no higher sense of justice than my personal physical satisfaction. I felt like in that moment if I lost control of myself that I could have caused irreversible damage and harm to people who have been willing to give me their trust. Because they expect that I am capable of managing myself. In that moment of nearly allowing myself to succumb to my darkest intent, I remember that my mentor had mentioned something in his writing. I have worked too damn hard and too damn long to just let anyone have the dominance I have earned. In that second my mind began to clear, less of the hood covered my eyes and I began to have clarity return to that moment for me. 

Suddenly that sense of almost losing my balance was gone, and that edge in my mind was miles behind me. I have struggled and fought to earn my place where I stand. I have made so many mistakes and the worst of my sins have been born by those around me. My actions caused deep hurt in those closest to me, and the hardest thing to do is watch someone else suffer for the choices you made. I refuse to allow that to happen to anyone else, because I have worked for my dominance and that deserves respect. Respect in myself in what I have accomplished but respect for the other side of the slash and what I can offer them. Because of this, everyone deserves an opportunity to be judged on their actions and their current choices. The other significant thing to remember is that our actions have consequences. The people we toy with, the games we play and how we treat other people in this lifestyle has massive impact on their psyche. I could have easily given in to my desires and through the guise of willing surrender I could have caused damage and hurt. Fortunately today I had self control as well I had a small epiphany, and the words of a strong individual to help guide my actions. 

One of the most important parts in all of this I believe was having the self awareness to recognize my triggers, and the potential for what could happen. Asking myself what would be the consequence... Having a moment to remember some amazing advice, and then holding fast to the honour of what we are pursuing. It is not our place to take what we want because someone may think they want to offer it to us. It's recognizing that we have shortcomings and that so do others. We have to have enough self control to deny our baser instincts when we see that our actions can cause harm. Because we are ultimately responsible for the well being of those in our community. We are apart of this community and should treat others with respect and care, because as humans we need to be considerate that we can cause pain. 

I'm grateful today that I was able to maintain control over who I am. I wouldn't have been able to do it, if I hadn't put the dedication necessary into myself. The other thing is the support we gain from seeking information from others. Many people here have lived this lifestyle much longer than I have, and I still have so much to learn from those around me. Today the words and advice from those people I sought out helped make a massive difference in my choices today. So I encourage you to reach out and ask someone for some advice, or a simple conversation. Get to know these amazing people that have such an abundance of valuable information to offer. With some patience and understanding we can create the best community possible. We just have to be willing to participate as if we were part of the group, and we all are. Our love of kink binds us together, when everyone else might look at us weird for our tastes we are around individuals that don't care. You like latex? Do you! Do you want to be chained up and whipped? That is part of your journey and no one has any right to say it's wrong, so long as safety precautions are met, SSC. 

Lets work on loving ourselves and loving those in our community. Because we get enough hate, disdain and confusion from those in the vanilla. We don't need to see it from those within our circles as well. We are here to accept. We are here to cherish. We are here to love. Lets work on bringing the most positivity we can to those in our lives, because each one of us is special and we all deserve love, acceptance and a reason to smile. 

So let's smile together today, and take this one step at a time. 

I hope everyone has a pleasant day, and that you might be able to manage your journey better after listening to my experience. Dedicate some time to yourself, and to someone you have a great deal of respect for. You never know when the hard work and effort will pay off. 

Hey guys,

So I would like to create a new event for tomorrow Sunday, May 24th. 

Whenever you wake up and make breakfast, enjoy your beverage of choice in the morning, snap a photo to show everybody what you are eating and drinking. 

I've taken the liberty of starting us off. My breakfast this morning was a 4 egg scramble, even though the photo only shows 3. While I was making the scramble I realized I had too much inside and needed more egg to balance the volume. It consists of almost 1/2 pack of bacon, 1 needed a little more time avocado, 7 mushrooms and some spices. 

I also choose the best damn tea that was ever created Cream Earl Grey. If you haven't ever tried it, get some!!! Also shout out to Sherlock, best show ever. 

I hope to see you guys tomorrow with some of your posts. I will be doing one again tomorrow! 

Good Morning to Everyone! 

Holy shit. Mind blown. 

I would like to take a moment for all us to think deeply on what it is we want in life. I've been using my vacation to work on many parts of who I am. 

Physically I wish to control my body at will, with no hesitation. In short I want to master my physical presence. Calisthenics has been my path to that end, and I am making decent progress. I hope to share good news about this soon in the future. 

But I'm not struggling physically at this moment. 

Today has been a test of my will. My emotions and where my mind is at. I have an opportunity to fulfill one of my deepest desires. Something that until hours ago I wasn't even willing to look at myself. 

First let me begin with a bit of my past, as each moment in our present has some ghost of the past driving it. Some moment, filled with anguish, resentment, failure, or remorse that still takes hold of us today. 

My father is a very religious man, and I remember many of the lessons I have been taught by him. He showed me how to give myself, how to care for others, how to work diligently, with purpose. He showed me the honour in being truthful (even though I warped those lessons to deceive everyone around me). I used and abused, and took what I could at moments that I'm not proud of. I held onto the passive aggressive nature in my family and allowed it to guide my actions into petty choices that furthered no one's journey. My own or that of those around me. I also learned from him the way to take action, to handle what needs to be taken care of. How to be a father and husband. But this is the crux of the issue. I learned his perspective of "how to be, how to act, how to think." 

One of his perspectives (although my father had dramatically changed now) I remember clearly "Sex before marriage is a sin, masturbation is a sin, monogamy is the only way." Everything else would condemn you to hell, and so on and so forth. I have held onto those views my entire life. I have been victim to the thoughts and perspectives that my father held. 

I have allowed his perspective to shape and guide my own. But such is the task of a father, to guide his children so that they may go forth and become themselves. The thing is, for me and what I believe. For me and the things I want, are in direct contrast to those old adages my father told me. What I have always believed for my entire life. His perspective, that has shifted my view so that when I looked at my desires I felt revolted. I felt sick and diseased. When I first came to find this online community, I was shocked and so relieved. I felt like I could express myself and not fear what those around me had to think. I was finally among like minded individuals that *understood* me. I didn't have to hide anymore. I felt free for the first time in my life!!! 

But I'm slowly realizing that there is more to it than just that. It wasn't in just how I viewed my desires. I wasn't effected in just one way. The depths of how the past effect us, can filter down into the marrow of our soul. It seeps into all of you in a way you might not even recognize. I have an opportunity before me to own 2 slaves. They both have expressed their interest in being owned by me. The thought and prospect of being the Master to two willing individuals has long been a deep seated desire within me. I have seen it, and known it and everytime I have looked at that part of myself I have shunned it, looked on with disgust and refused to allow myself that part of me. 

Why?

Because of my father. Because long ago I had a thought process that was ingrained into who I was in such a way that it altered my view. It was my choice to allow my father's perspective to influence me. I allowed part of me to hold space for his beliefs in regards to my wants and desires! I let that happen, I made it happen. It was my choice to allow everything he instructed me as a boy to define the man I became. Some parts were with good reason, I deeply care for those around me and wish to serve my life for my community, my job, and my potential sub. I have a strong set of morals in what I believe to be right and wrong. I act with as much integrity as I can walk with. Many things I have learned from my father have helped me to become a decent man. 

Decent is not good enough for me though. I am a decent man and I know this about myself. I know I also have great potential to fail and have caused the own destruction of my relationships through the actions I have chosen. I'm complicated, but we all are. The thing that I recently realized is this: I allowed the mechanisms of my past to forge who I am in this moment. I allowed my father to dictate something about myself that I know and realize is true for me. I have shunned myself, refused myself, laughed and mocked myself all because of his perspective. I am a grown adult. Living on my own. (Sure my wife might be my roommate, but we no longer interact as husband and wife) But I realized that to deny my desires, to deny who I am doesn't effect my father. The only person it hurts is me. The only person suffering is myself, for not being able to look and accept who I am. I have begun to see myself, I have taken long looks at that which is my mental state. My emotional state. My physical state. I see all of who I am, and I accept me. 

I have begun to explore the idea that maybe monogamy is not for me. That perhaps opening myself to new thought processes and ways of existing could further allow space for myself in my heart. I haven't given myself enough of my time, and I have denied myself so many things and have continued to do so my entire life. I refuse to allow that in my life. It is mine to live. My life to make my mistakes, and make my own decisions. We have limitless potential for who we make of ourselves. We only need to take a step back, examine who that is, and then move forward with our new sense of self. To be confident and at peace. 

For me today, I have obtained something precious. I have a new sense of my self. I have seen all of what and who I am, and for the first time in my life I won't turn away. I will accept my desire. I will accept my shortcomings. I will accept my past. I will use all that I have learned to step out from the shadow of my demons. I forge myself anew. The most shocking thing about all of this? I'm excited to know me, I'm full of joy that wasn't there before, because I am celebrating everything that is who I am. I'm not hiding some small piece holding it away from the light. I finally feel free!!! That freedom is self awareness, and taking the time to understand and accept who *you* are. 

So again I ask those that have read this, to spend some time with yourself today. Become comfortable in who you are. Because you are beautiful, and full of joy, light and laughter. Embrace who you are, and relish in the fact that we have the potential to choose anything for ourselves. It's all a matter of creating understanding. Which begins by looking. Listening. The best time to look and listen is when there are no distractions to draw our attention. But you must find time, and make time. Because it's for YOU!!! Never have I held such space for myself, and I dare you to try and grasp it for yourself. It's liberating, and frees your soul. 

Everyone has a different path they must walk, and no one can manage your steps but you. So take charge of who you are, live your life diligently. Be honest and open with yourself, and celebrate the beautiful uniqueness that makes you so special. 

I hope everyone is well today, and that we may all take a step forward for ourselves. 

Hey everyone, so I have seen many people posting pictures of their eyes and I have wanted to share my eyes with everyone here. But it was a struggle to get the right photo because they were all very blurry and you could not make out much definition. I finally managed to snap a photo of my eye that I was happy with, so I wanted to share it with you guys. I should also mention I wear glasses or I am blind as a bat. So I am going to throw in one of me wearing my glasses so you can get a full sense of my awesomeness! 

Enjoy my face close up! 

Good Morning Everyone! 

I would like to begin today's blog with a little information on myself, a few thoughts that have been rolling through my head and perhaps a few questions for you to consider. 

Now I enjoy golfing, I am absolutely average and it is something that I would like to improve at one day. Yesterday I went for my first time in years (I haven't had much free equity to spend on such folly) but the house that I choose to move to was partly based on its proximity to this golf course. One of my favourites, cheap and now close by!!!

Golf takes a lot of practice, patience and discipline as golf is a game of the tiniest degrees. Don't believe me? Think about the swing of a club, and imagine your club face is off by a millimeter. (Sorry I'm Canadian deal with my metrics) Does that millimeter make any difference? When your goal is a hole just 5 centimeters wide, when you apply force through your swing and that slight twist of the club face adds spin to the ball..... Trust me, I went through my fair share of shanks yesterday and the tiniest shift in the club face can have you running through shrubs going "Where did that fucker go!?!??" 

The thing that I really enjoy about golfing is the peace on the course. Now I don't mean to say that golfing is peaceful. I've had my share of breakdowns, clubs thrown and curses shouted. I've been beside friends who have "lost their shit", maybe they had a few too many beers but that's besides the point. What I mean is I enjoy golf the most when there aren't many people around and there is no pressure to play quickly. You can listen to the birds and animals, the sounds of the wind, and it's calming. You get time with yourself and can enjoy walking the course, and boy was I fortunate. I had called to make a tee time but found out they were wide open so when I showed up to play my round until the 16th hole the only other people on the course were the workers going about mowing the fairways, and taking care of what was needed. That and the birds and other animals. The thing about it was, I was completely alone and no one was around. I could celebrate my shots and pars made, I could express myself fully without reservation. I actually managed to make 2 pars on the day, and for my first time out in a while it makes me extremely excited for the rest of my season. The 18th hole I missed a birdie opportunity by an inch, and I couldn't believe how close I was!!! I had some really good shots, some really great shots and some absolute stinkers. But that's golf and I am not consistent enough to drop my score under 110. Well I shot 118 but that's an honest 118. I believe if you cheat yourself on the scorecard it only effects you, you can puff up your chest and boast "I'm such a great golfer!" But if you forget to count the dropped balls (Oh yeah, I lost 10+ balls yesterday!) then you aren't accurately portraying *your* golf game. So I'm brutally honest when tracking my score because I want to legitimately improve and that can only be done when we take honest stock of who and what we are. 

Now onto the thoughts that I had. While I was out there I had to make sure I didn't get too close to any of the geese as they can be aggressive depending on the day, luckily the only things they were interested in fighting was themselves. But I saw and heard robins and all sorts of different animals and sounds. It wasn't until I had made it home and was chatting with some individuals here on the Cage that I began to think back to the animals and the sounds they could produce. As humans we are extremely fortunate that we can express ourselves in any number of ways. We have the ability to change our voices, to create sounds that draw us in and sounds that push us away. You should hear my "old man voice".... Animals only have so much range of expression when it comes to how they communicate but each individual here has so much potential. We can argue, yell, kick and scream. We can moan and whisper sensual little secrets. We can bite and squeal, laugh and cry. We can EMOTE!! Why does that matter and what am I going on about? Each one of us, has a natural state. It is our state of being where we are comfortable. Some people love being on a stage, surrounded by adoring fans. Some people like quiet and calm safe spaces. We each have intrinsic desires that match our personalities, our wants, our emotions, and how we process and view the world. Everyone of us, likes to be one thing or another. That is dependant on our past experiences and what may have occured, and how we overcame it. Or maybe the fact that we didn't and are still working through it. It doesn't really matter though, it's about looking inside of yourself and realizing your natural state. I did a little digging into myself last night trying to come to terms with who I am. We all have somewhere we want to end up, a goal for ourself. Mentally, physically, emotionally. It doesn't matter which one it is because truth be told we should be setting emotional goals for ourselves. For me, it's controlling the anger that can swell up and appear out of nowhere. It's about being aware of my situation and alert to the triggers I know I have. Making sure that in my awareness I am cognizant of what might spike an outburst and doing everything to mitigate that. My physical goals are easy, right now I'm trying to achieve a free standing hand stand push up and I'm making progress. Mentally I want to know myself intimately. I need to continue to understand this person that has flaws, and has made mistakes. But can bring joy and silliness and laughter. We all have so much potential, every single one of us. We just need to attune to our natural state to help achieve our potential. That takes reflection. It takes introspection. These aren't easy. They take time and patience. You must begin the path to understanding and accepting yourself. We all want to live our best lives, but how can we possibly do that if we are lying to ourselves about what we want??? Be honest about your desires because they are how you define yourself. We are all of our emotions, all of our physical self, all of the mistakes we have made. We are our desires. Until we accept and can express who we are, we must keep struggling to find out. 

So I want those that end up reading this to take some time today. Think about yourself and your natural state. Where are you happiest? What brings the most joy to *you*? What desires do you want to see fulfilled? Take some time to sit with yourself, no distractions. Just sit in a chair, on the floor. Kneel if you like, find some space that you feel comfortable and natural being in. Take a moment and look at your actions, your choices in life. Some may be challenging, maybe you are dealing with some bovine fecal matter at work, or perhaps in a personal relationship in your life. Maybe you are just struggling with your body image, or some action that ended poorly. Maybe you are celebrating a success! Take some time and look at who you are, what you want and take one small step to achieving one goal in your life. Whether thats emotionally, physically or mentally. We need to be balanced in our lives, and it takes equal work in all aspects of who we are to achieve that. I am making progress towards my natural state, and I will continue on my path. No one else may walk it for me, and realizing that we are in control of our potential is a truly freeing thought. So take control of your potential today and do something good for you!! 

I hope everyone is well, and that we all find that peace we are looking for. Have a great day everyone!!

Hey guys, just wanted to share a little more since I saw everybody doing the hands I thought I would join in. And my goofy face for no reason. Have a good day everyone! 

So I've just begun trying to improve myself in a new area, I'm trying Beatboxing. The interesting thing is I see it as any sound I can manage to create. So when I breathe in a large amount of air at a moment, the intent is to create noise in that moment. 

The cool part is when you understand how to control your mouth to create a certain sound. When you understand how to form certain noises you can unlock new worlds in which to play. 

So the reason I bring this all up. Everyone has no idea what to say on their voice clips. When I have practiced a little more I will be able to sample something for you guys.

I hope everyone is having a great day! 

Hey everybody! 

I have just started a little vacation so I'm hanging out in my pajamas having a chill day. I snapped a few photos and thought I would join in on the fun considering so many people have been willing to share. Unfortunately only one photo is making the grade because using this website on my phone is a little challenging. Hope everyone has an amazing day!