Hey everybody, I just wanted to share some noises and music I really enjoy.
This is a song I absolutely love to dance to:
I also will workout to these songs quite often:
And just some music I listen to relax:
And here's me voice.
Have a super day all!
Hi! Hello, and welcome!!
Really, greetings and salutations.
Other words and things.
Okay, so today. What a great and awesome day. I finally had my investigation resolved at work and I found out the results today. Basically, I had 3 seperate events. 2 technically related to my job, and the other incident was me being super smart.... *Sarcasm warning* -------------∆
Basically I was caught on a jobsite without my hardhat. Strike 1. I attempted to recycle personal items in a bin designated for company use only. Strike 2. The last item up for consideration was a job that had some complications and got out of hand. We were attempting to shut off a break and had to continually back up in order to isolate the system. The issue? The extent to which we went to shut off the water, and without the guidance of our supervisor. Although we did call him to ask what we needed to do, and I could argue points against this injustice but regardless this was strike 3. Normally, you'd be out of the ballgame. In a manner of speaking I am, I got slapped with a 4 day suspension without pay. The thing is though, my next incident that requires a meeting and some paper means my ass is out the door and terminated. So I'm standing on my last legs.
Here's the thing I take a large amount of pride in my work. This is one area of my life where I excel. I know in my personal life I struggle with procrastination but when it comes to work I show the fuck up. I know of the 10 individuals that work within my immediate job title, I would say I'm top 2 for customer service if not the top contender. Perhaps I don't know every miniscule detail about my work, but I know what I need to do to handle almost any situation. I use my best judgement to make a call, and take responsibility for the decisions I make. It's pretty funny because in the letter they mentioned my "lack of remorse" in regards to my infractions. Here's the thing. I fucked up. I accept responsibility and acknowledge that in the future I will toe the line. But at this point everything is in the past. I made my choices and decisions. There is literally nothing I could have done to change anything during that meeting when I had my opportunity to explain why I did what I did. So I told the complete truth, with no regrets for what I did. The thing is I would have chosen those same actions in those particular moments time and time again. No matter how many redos I would have done it the same in all 3 instances. Although now I have a much better way to dispose of my recycling which I will continue to use from now on so I don't get myself into anymore trouble. But the point is I didn't have remorse for my actions, I choose my actions and would do so again. I'm not going to hold back what I think is right in a situation regardless of what my supervisor says. Although ironically when we actually followed the new mandate put in place by management we wound up causing all those problems. If we would have used our judgement we could have easily resolved the issue and moved on. My partner wanted to make a point and I agreed that we should. Well point made, and now my Monday has turned into Friday. The best part is now when I come back I work a single night and am on my weekend again. When you choose not to care about money it becomes a great opportunity to extend my vacation. Honestly I hate the idea of money. But that's because I have none of it. Not really, it's still a terrible idea. The entire system of interest. That the longer you have something the more of it you owe. Why is it not possible to have a flat exchange rate. And equal amount give and taken. I mean it would be nice to see that exist within the dynamic as well. But with money it's a system that perpetuates not having enough. You need to buy more to be happy, go out and get this and find happiness in that. Buy things and fill your house until there isn't any room for anything left. I just wish we could go back to a barter system sometimes. Exchange. Equal value respective to what each party feels is fair. But money isnt going anywhere, so I just need to find another way to make all my debt disappear.
So I wound up singing karaoke for the first time ever. I have been to karaoke bars with friends in the past but I never sang a song in front of people because I had zero confidence in my singing. So the other night was the first time I ever got the nerve to sing in front of people. I've sang in front of people before but I don't know this was a totally different experience. Probably because those people I sang for were my family. Anyways, I crushed it and had a really super fun time. Although the first song I sang my whole body was shaking, although that happens when I'm extremely nervous. I turned my whole body into a vibrator, but still managed to finish the song in decent form. So I was thinking about recording a version of that song I sang on karaoke night. So tomorrow I will do some recording and present a little something something in a blog.
I also attended a workshop the other night and we had a discussion afterwards and it was just interesting to see people who understood themselves and could stand and say "Yup this is me". The thing was I tried at one moment to open up and speak but I miss hit the button (since I was on push to talk) so everything I said ended not going through and so instead of trying again I completely shut down and just listened the rest of the night. But I also realized I still don't have definitive answers to all of my questions yet. So it's hard to walk into a "room" of 40 some odd people and spout nonsense about who you are when you don't even know yet. I would rather remain silent until I have the answers I can proudly say. I mean I can say I'm a switch that prefers to dominate. Which is a start but it seemed everyone spoke with a tone of acceptance and reverence for those around them. To be considerate of how many people there are and how unique and different each of us are with our own particular quirks (*MHA reference* for the anime nerds, I also have a blog idea with this premise coming in the future)
Our quirks our the things we battle within ourselves, they are the odd things that make us special, like a voice we can create, perhaps a dance move no one else can pull off. They are the ways we interpret information. The part of ourselves that we can look at and say I know what you are and how you matter in my life. But it's also the physical limitations our bodies puts on us. Perhaps you're colour blind. Maybe you feel you should be another gender. I've never really encountered this in my lifetime. I mean I have, but I was a super sheltered kid in so many ways. So I didn't have any understanding of what it's like to have to endure being misdiagnosed with illnesses. Or different issues that plagues the mind. The lists of phobias and different diseases is staggering. When you really begin to delve into the world of germs, parasites and the sometimes grossness.
With all the different things that humanity has to deal with, it's about understanding what it is that the other person contends with. When you agree to do a a scene you need to know what is going on with your partner, so getting into their mindset and knowing their bodies limits, being able to support them with safeties in place. Knowing which limits shouldn't be tested, and which can be pushed. Especially for that day, and the events, and their mood and whether or not their is a light on in the room. (Sorry, side story. My instructor gave us an example where her scene went sideways because a red light kept her distracted she had to end the scene.) So anything can be a "trigger" it's about handling the situation that also takes people's feelings into consideration. How do you best address this awkward thing in a manner that doesn't ruin the moment. Sure there are rules set and here is how it's all going to go and everything is perfect. Until it isn't. So how do you best handle that and move forward so everyone can still have fun and enjoy why we love doing what we do. Just take the time to learn and understand. First yourself, then find the kink you love and learn about it. There are different risks for all different types of play and you need to be armed with the information of what to do, what not to do, and when to defer to someone with more experience.
We all have to start somewhere, and it's just about communicating with the people that matter most to you. Be open and honest. Because you deserve to be the happiest you can be by just existing as you are. Once you find your true self. But that's just the start of journey. Once you understand yourself you can then see how you fit with other people and work on finding the right ones that mesh with you. Then it's a process of learning. It's about understanding every one portion of the person that stands in front of you. And once you understand, and feel that spark and connection. That everything is still aligned and you both are on the same page (Speaking of pages - Making sure you understand definitions the same way. It's really easy to see how people's views don't line up when they are working with two different definitions.) Then you manage to finish the book together and everyone wins.
One thing I was really impressed with that I felt kind of foolish for not thinking about before was how does aftercare change when a scene goes sideways. What would the differences be and depending on what caused the disruption you might have different forms of aftercare for different types of causes. But my opinion remains that how you perform your aftercare should be relevant to the cause so that there is understanding achieved, as well as healing.
Anyways, just some take aways of what Ive learned lately, experienced and what's going on in my life a tiny bit.
I hope everyone has a wonderful evening, see you in the morning!
Good Evening everyone,
So I am currently finishing day 6 of my 8 day weekend.
So I struggle with being productive and I have been looking at trying to come up with ways of helping to motivate myself.
I have a few solutions that have begun to work for me and all it comes down to is action. I hope to explain a few things through out this blog about my journey and where I'm at. I hope you have all been taking steps in your lives and living for each day.
So I just want to mention at the very beginning to my weekend I decided to celebrate with a dance party after I had finished a few bags of vape. I managed to dance myself out of my shorts, which was in part of my excellent dancing moves but also the fact that I have not updated my wardrobe to accomodate my "new" weight loss. I have found my niche it seems with my weight where it likes to just bounce up and down depending on the day for the last month or so it seems.
So it got me to thinking about my clothes and the style that I choose to wear. Personally I think I look pretty good in most anything I put on, but I really enjoy comfy clothing. Baggy, loose, large and covering. I don't really like to show off even though my physique has dramatically improved since I've begun my newer routines with diet and exercise. It was also something where most of my life where my mom would pick out my clothes or my girlfriend. I've never really found my style of clothing that I enjoy so when I go to update the wardrobe it will be like I'm shopping for my personal mark. When you think about it all clothing are costumes. It's just how serious or silly they happen to be. I mean tight suits that restrict my movement is not my style, or maybe I've just never found the right suit. I want my clothing to feel like a second skin. Hence comfy. But it should be a fun experience to shop by myself for my own wardrobe. I will definitely give an update the next time I shop for clothes, probably a year and a half from now.
So this weekend I tried setting a schedule for myself. I find I can get a little intense when I start putting things in lists. I mean I'm a very disorganized person. I've not found a filing system that works for me yet, and am working on putting my house in order. There is a lot to accomplish but fortunately by using a schedule and a new "I will" mentality I was able to accomplish some chores and tasks that I had been neglecting. I'm making progress forward, but Ive realized there needs to be a balance. If you are so rigid with the structure of a schedule somethings don't always get accomplished but you can't beat yourself up over it. Accept that sometimes you will be unsuccessful when you try something. You just need to be able to say did I accomplish 1 thing from my list? If so then you've made progress and you can work on that next thing tomorrow. If the number of things accomplished is 0 then do something really simple right then and there. Clean some dishes, brush your teeth, just do something simple and fast that is something for you. Force it to become part of the routine. There is also a huge part to say "Today I will accomplish nothing" and be okay with it. Choose to rest just don't make a habit out of making everyday a "rest" day. Learn to appreciate the moments we have and the time we have right here. It's all about balance and making sure you don't go too far to either side of the spectrum.
I really haven't been spending as much time on this site and I've been slightly more preoccupied with life but I don't want to disconnect from this community although sometimes I jump between hiding and being vocal. That and I always feel like somehow I'm just imposing my opinions, and I dislike sticking my nose places it doesnt belong. At the same time I love being told new information, and sticking my nose into situations that have my interest. I'm working on it though, I do want to be more open and get back to reading more blogs and beginning to see things from all different perspectives.
I realized some important factors to how I want to live in this lifestyle. I think one of the most satisfying moments for me in a relationship or interaction with someone considered a friend or more intimately your P/person would be that moment when they trust you enough to open up their heart and show you something no one else knows about. It becomes a tiny part of both of you in that moment, and it can bring you so much closer together. It's just trying to find that person that wants to let you in on everything. That is willing to let go with *you* because you are special and fantastic. I just want to experience life with someone who isn't afraid to show themselves to me in their entirety. But that's not easy to do for just anyone, each of us are such complex and unique beings. We all respond to different things and what excites one person may not align with what someone else enjoys. So it's not just about connecting on emotional levels, its the mental, the physical, our souls should resonate with one another. There should be willingness and interest in similar areas of kink or the ability to explore. There is a massive difference between thinking on something and acting on it. Example: My lawn. Thinking about cutting my grass gets me no closer to actually hacking it down until I get off of my ass into the mosquito ridden wetland that I live around and get eaten alive while I finish cleaning up my yard.
It's a huge difference, but the outcome can be unpredictable on a new kink you have never experienced in real life before. It's willing to take a moment to just experience it. Appreciate what you have when you have it, because so often we lose the important things in our lives one way or another. Maybe your favourite restaurant sold out and turned into a hotel. Perhaps a member of your family passed or a relationship ended. We never know how life will move, and you need to be open to the potential and opportunity in your life. While still being aware and responsible for the necessary things in your life.
I spent some time contemplating whether or not I was ready to head into the lifestyle as I am. The thing most required is an open mind, and a willingness to learn and accept what lessons are given along the way. To grow and transform with each step. If you approach this lifestyle with a similar mindset you will find success because it doesnt matter where you start. I thought about my journey, and why it's taking so long. It's because of where I started. In a lot of ways I had to reset all the errors and mistakes of my previous relationships. I really acted despicable and need to accept ownership of my previous mistakes. They are there and caused real damage to a very real person that now has to go through life handling the extra baggage I threw into her suitcase. When I think about where I am now in life I'm leaps and bounds from that person. It's just hard when no matter the effort put in you aren't viewed any differently. But I realized the reason this has taken a long time and will be a constant process as there are always new ghosts from our past that get in our way. At this point though I'm almost at the point where its just a matter of finding someone that truly fits and compliments me in the ways I need and want. I feel more ready now than I have in a long time. Although that's not to say I don't have yet more to accomplish and work out but who I am is much more prepared to step into the ring. I feel more confident each day and I enjoy the sensation of being in control of me. I have a long way to mastery but the right steps keep getting made.
There were 2 more events that were significant for different reasons over my weekend so far.
I had to go grocery shopping, and so on my night shift I stopped by Costco to grab some groceries. I brought them all into my work and tossed all my refrigerables into the fridge we have at work. I packed everything from the fridge back into my box and made it to my car. I had to set the box down for a second to get at my keys but when I put the box into the back I swore I saw butter and cream cheese in the box. I even remember when getting home putting everything on the counter and into the fridge. I thought I remembered putting in the butter and creamcheese. But when I went the next day to make a recipe given to me I couldn't find the new butter and creamcheese I had bought. It was no where and I looked through out my entire house and vehicle. I even checked under all of the seats in the vehicles and the freezer units. I lost my marbles and my cool, it's the tiniest little thing but the issue with me is that it felt like I was losing my mind. I began to imagine a situation where you lost the ability to trust your memories. I mean to me I saw myself placing the butter and creamcheese into the fridge. But high and low it wasn't there, which means it must have dropped or someone had taken it out when I set it down. I just couldn't fathom that I had lost both of them, that my mind had deceived me. Trust is a really important aspect of all things in life, and you need to have trust in yourself sometimes. That what we feel and experience and remember is true and because of that shapes how we see everything. It's not weird, it's just not for you and different. It's all a process and it takes a long time to find ourselves. We just need to keep looking until we see that next layer within ourselves, or maybe we need the help of our someone to come draw it out of us. Either case it's learning how to handle the triggers that pop up in our life and making sure we have appropriate responses to stress and misfortune in our lives.
*DISCLAIMER RELIGION AHEAD*
The other moment was a dinner with my parents. I would have to say it was pleasant enough and they tried really hard to make sure the meal fit into my keto diet as best as possible. But the thing about my parents is they are very religious in Christian beliefs. In some ways I have walked away from Christianity and I don't want to really get into a whole religion blog because really everyone is entitled it their opinion. I believe that your God is true to you, that's the easiest way I could explain it. Anyways, my parents did their usual thing. We made idle chitchat and talked about some old memories and different things. But the thing that kind of sticks in my craw were the two shots they took. It was a moment where we had finished our meal and my father spoke to me about the importance of religion in your life and how he wouldn't be where he is without God's guidance. The thing is he isn't wrong, for him. But I don't believe in Christianity. Honestly religion right now is as foreign to me as my style in clothes. I still have to find exactly what it is that I consider religion but if you needed an honest answer today I would say my religion is cannabis/drugs. It's a bit of a far stance but the spiritual journeys you can attend that can shape your world and universe and completely change how you live your life exists behind the magical trip down mushroom lane. Obviously this is something that needs to be appropriate for you and no matter where you delve you should do your research and find out more about it and whether or not it's right for you. But the point is I differ strongly from my father's opinions but everyday I grew up in that household I ate, breathed, drank and lived christianity. We went to church every Sunday and it was a part of my life while in my mother's womb. At some point I will need to express to my father that I do not hold his beliefs and values and he is a hard man to have a conversation with. More that needs to be addressed and dealt with in time. The other issue was when both of my parents brought up a woman that we knew from our church. I had seen her at church camp and she was a very lovely person. Apparently her husband just past away. About a month ago. She has 2 kids and is now a single mother but the way they brought it up just as I was leaving was like "Hey, this nice lady is available for you." I mean maybe I'm reading too much into it but it just seemed so obvious that they were trying to point me in the direction of their number one choice for my life. It's just I have a demon inside of me that I'm learning to control and once I have mastery of him there is very little doubt in my mind she would not fit into my lifestyle. Although that's also being slightly narrow minded because I have no idea what kind of kink she may be into. But I'm pretty doubtful that she would enjoy this lifestyle or choose to be apart of it. There is just no way that I could ever exist in the vanilla world again. That's another fun conversation that could happen with my parents. It's just a matter of how much I let them into my life again, but I don't know if there will ever be a time where I show them this side of me. It would cause fights and disrupt what we are trying to build so it's best I keep my boundaries up with my parents. I mean I'm hoping one day to actually express to them who I am and not hide any part of me, but of the man I know as my father he would not approve. I can be more honest about who I am with a bunch of "strangers" on the Internet than I can with my own parents. It's really sad that I cant trust that they will accept me, but I'm glad that I've found somewhere I can open up and freely express myself. In so many life changing ways this website has been a tremendous part of my restructuring and rebuilding. I want to thank the people I have connected with and who have helped me to grow. I wouldn't be who I am right now without my mentors, friends and acquaintances pushing and helping me along the way.
Thank you for all your help, and I hope that you are all enjoying your life. Celebrate today and this moment.
Oh I also found this song the other day. When I heard it on the radio I felt it captured this moment in my life and how I was feeling. It seemed to be so perfect for me. Then I saw the original music video and it became my favourite song right now ???
I hope the link works if not the song is called "This is It" by Marshal. Check it out if you have the time or are interested.
What up people???
Today is a glorious day. This is my final night shift before I happen to start my weekend. I will be getting 8 days off and hope to take action and fulfill some of the required tasks I need to get done.
I've been thinking a lot lately, about myself and how to get to where I desire to be. How do I take action? How do I move forward?
The thing is I've realized when it comes to the things I need to take care of in my life I always seem to fail because I approach the situation with the wrong statement and thought pattern.
I always show up and say "I need to". I need to, is a half approach. It says here is the problem, so now what? I need to mow my lawn. I need to clean my house. I need to do my laundry. I need to shower, brush my teeth, etc etc. I need to creates a situation where I succeed or fail. Either I do and succeed or I don't and fail. The thing is for me and how I live life that's setting me up for failure everytime. I need to begin thinking in terms of "I *WILL*". I will is a step farther in the right direction. I will, tells me yes there is a problem but I know the steps to correct it. I will take action. I will do what is necessary. Simply, I will.
I'm optimistic that changing my thought process from "I need to", into "I will" will be the catalyst that I need to take affirmative action in my own life. Luckily I'm sitting in front of 8 days to test this theory out. The thing is I need to give myself a wider berth when it comes to how I see myself and my "failures". Almost everyone I have spoken with lately has said that they deal with procrastination or some struggle with getting motivated. It's not just me. I'm not the only one who struggles. I have so much potential to change how I act, and I just need to work on how to make that change in my life. The little ways that I can motivate my own self. The tips and ways that work for me.
I was watching a video on learning to beatbox and the thing I realized is you have to work on finding those sounds yourself. No one can show you how to make that particular noise. I mean sure they can instruct you how to shape your lips, what techniques to work on so the result is flawless. But finding out how your body can move that way, how to make your lips and breath make that particular noise. It's the sweat equity. The time put forth and born out of persistence and determination. You have to find it for you. How that noise, that skill, that hobby, that chore, that new venture into a different area of kink works for you. It's all very personal and what works for me may ultimately fail you everytime. Because it's for me. It's not your path or way through, and maybe it helps. Maybe you take something away and think "Hey, I can apply that thought pattern to a situation in my life." I would be humbled if I could offer some assistance that helped you navigate a tough situation that you needed to address in life. That's not the goal though. My entire life has been focused on those around me. How do you see me? How will my actions effect you? Will the music I listen to bother you? Will my beatboxing annoy you? So I thought about my youth/past experiences in a new way that made a lot of sense and then left me feeling empty inside because I realized part of a problem in myself.
This thought hit my brain like a thunderstorm. Lightning flashed behind my eyes and thunder reverberated throughout my mind. I am not only a switch, but I've approached my entire life like a radio DJ's audio switchboard. Imagine the board in front of you, dials, switches and knobs all pertaining to different aspects of my personality. As I approach an interaction I listen and observe. I take information that I have about you that was previously true and apply it as if it still holds true. That is until that aspect changes, then you need to update the profile to keep on top of the current interaction. So the thing is I constantly adjusted the dials, I would take a little extra piece of this or that to accomodate whoever was in front of me. I have constantly been put in positions within my job to work with difficult employees because I get along with everyone. Because I'm constantly adjusting my levels to match who stands in front of me. I can find common interests and focus on that to keep conversations flowing, I learn how to work beside people that are challenging by using their nature against them. Take this interaction with an employee I had years ago. We were supposed to be doing valve survey. It's repetitive work, it is mentally draining but it's important because it's an insurance thing. This coworker did things his way and didn't really change for anyone. Even when there was a more efficient way of doing something. Why work harder when there is a better solution? Anyways, the best way to survive working alongside this particular individual was actually super simple. Bring lunch. We worked consistently all day long, but if you needed a break all you had to do was crack open a small portion of your food. Suddenly he would get hungry and then it was break time. He didn't even realize I was doing it. If I needed a minute pull out a granola bar and eat only that. I don't know if it was the smell of the food, or just seeing it made him hungry. Whatever it was I could control my breaks, because once that granola bar came out I would be finished eating in about 30 seconds, but he would want to go into the back and grab his whatever he brought for lunch. But he would take a few minutes to consume the food he had for the day. So I could sit and relax for a few minutes. I worked with him for an entire summer something like 4 or 5 months together. It never failed to help me get through being his work partner.
I'm now in the position of realizing that I constantly adjust myself to other people. For the first time, I'm actually alone as an adult. Right now, I have no one to adjust to. The thing is I've been asking and thinking the wrong way. It shouldn't be what can I do for you? I've been using that approach my whole life. It NEEDS to be, where is my baseline? Where do I naturally stand as a human? When there is no one to adjust to where do my dials, knobs and switches normally land on to create MY baseline? Who am I inside of bdsm? Where would I like to be? Is it aligned with my baseline? I know I can adjust myself to fit other people. I'm good at that. I read a blog that spoke about a doms neediness. Right now where I'm at, all I think is how do you see me? Am I doing this "right"? I would fall into that trap of being a needy Dom because I do not understand my baseline. I don't have my needs and wants clearly defined within myself. So the question isn't what can I do for you. The question becomes what can I do for me??? What do I need? What's important to me? Where are my values and beliefs and how do I best bring those important factors into this lifestyle to best incorporate everything into me? There are a lot of questions that I have for myself. I can answer some easily, and others I still am just beginning to answer. At least I'm beginning to ask the right things. I'm focused in the right direction. Now it's just a matter of where I take action. Of when and how I will.
I hope you all have an enjoyable evening and that you are able to take away something from my journey. If not, hopefully you just enjoyed the read.
Talk to you all in the future, and be well.
If you are interested in following me today I am going to show you my process for learning beatboxing. I decided to record myself today because it felt right. I have a long way to improve but this is where I'm at for now.
I was a tiny bit nervous at first but I calmed down a little as I went through. But I just want to say I'm not trying to offend anyone with anything I do.
Hope you all have a wonderful day!
So over the last few days I have been slightly absent from writing. I was distracted and working on my experiment, I didn't want to distract myself so I could focus on what I was attempting to do.
Now I feel as if I have been absent too long. I want to write, I want to express myself but I have no idea on this blog. There was one key point I wanted to get across but this is about to be tossed together in the most absent and incoherent way.
I wanted to speak about the struggle that exists within my mind.
So recently my wife went away for a trip, unfortunately it was cut short and she had to return earlier than anticipated. I had very high hopes for what I was going to accomplish on my own. How motivated I was going to be. How I was going to be held responsible for everything and accountable for every aspect of my life. I was going to do amazing and become the person I needed to be.
At least that was the intention.
As usual I fell way short of the mark I had set for myself. I don't think I set my goals too far ahead of what's attainable. I should have been able to wash my dishes after making a meal. Keeping organised and clean. Although neither of those are my strong suits in life. It was a chance to be better than I was. To show massive improvement in an area that I struggled in.
See, I always do the little tiny insignificant things really well. They are not really a challenge and I can get motivated to accomplish the small things. The issues arise when I try to challenge myself to the things that I don't enjoy. SHOCKER!!!! The things I dislike doing are more challenging to get motivated to achieve?
Here's where I really get stuck in my mind though. So we try and do our best. What happens when you completely "fail" yourself? Now, I'm not talking about messing up or making a mistake. We all do that, and it's apart of life. Where I really fall short is my weak minded mentality when it comes to serving myself.
So I wake up, the sun is shining and I have an entire day of "nothing" planned. I have chores, things I have needed to accomplish. Not just maintaining cleanliness, but actual jobs that should be taken care of and handled today. I set in my mind, "Today I will commit to *insert task here*". The problem is when you then spend an entire day on the couch binging Netflix. So I get to the end of the day, nothing of significance was accomplished. Maybe a few pushups here, a tiny bit of beatboxing but that's the fun easy stuff. It's not a challenge to work on that. Nothing that needed to be accomplished was achieved. I'm trying to learn to apply grace and forgive myself for the errors and mistakes I make, but how do you apply grace to yourself when you literally walk in "failure" each day?
So I want to be as clear as possible. This is not about failing to do some chore. I mean yes the surface level I did not accomplish this thing, but the real issue is within me. That moment when I say "Today I commit to". I want to live with honour and integrity. When I say "Today I will accomplish" and do not follow through on that statement it means I have chosen to disobey myself. There is no longer honour in my word because I tasked myself with a set of actions to be completed. It's the easiest, most simple thing. When you say something commit to following through with action! How hard is that???? For me, it seems like trying to climb a mountain, blindfolded with all the wrong tools.
When I turn myself into a liar, when I choose to relax and sit on my ass all day, when I fail to follow through on my word it deeply impacts my mental well being. So how should grace look in this moment for me? When I apply grace it usually is in the form "Oh well, try again tomorrow." To me that is the most poisonous way of thinking, and the incorrect way to apply grace in my life. If I allow that mindset to overwhelm me, I fall into the habit of saying to everything "Oh well, we can do that tomorrow." Funny part is, tomorrow never comes. It's always there just out of reach, because tomorrow transitions into today. Then there is a new bar set for tomorrow. It's a constant cycle that I will never escape. I can trap myself there, creating a negative cycle into the deepest parts of hell inside myself. That self abusive hate comes out and creates this void that swallows all positivity within me, and soon I can spiral into absolute nothingness. I have let it happen far FAR too often in my life.
Part of all of this was in realization during my experiment of "How do I serve myself?" I want to become a servant to myself, and follow through on my convictions. I want to live with honour and integrity, and if I do not hold those aspects within myself how could I ever expect anyone else to do that for me? There is no one beside us, and we must walk alone. As much as we may have help, we still have to struggle and put one foot in front of the other. No one else can do that for us. We must choose to move forward.
So thinking through all of this. I don't want to give myself any excuses. It's an easy thing. It's a simple thing. All it takes is action. Simple action and effort. So now, I have to learn to apply grace and forgive myself in a way that does not allow me to slip. To fall back into old habits that stop me, and can let me fall into that negative spiral. I mean forgiving yourself should place you in a positive spot, and set you up for success and continuous movement forward. The way I apply grace creates a cycle that has such potential for negativity.
So I want to take this time to figure out the way that I need grace in my life. I want to be honest with everyone around me, including myself. More than anyone I let myself down, and I fail myself more than I fail anyone else. If I can learn to serve and honour my own word I know how empowering that will be in my journey. It will help propel me forward in a way that I have been stagnant. In a way that I have struggled with for so long. Especially when you think of it in these terms. As a dominant individual how can you ever expect an s type to follow your rules and orders if YOU can't follow those same rules yourself? You should be held to the same standard that you want your person to uphold. There needs to be order and no matter what you both need to be accountable to the guidelines that have been established. The system fails when one side is expected to follow every rule, and the other side may break every rule with impunity.
So in honour of the lifestyle and to the person who may decide to create a dynamic with me, I need to get this sorted in myself. I can do no good to anyone else, if I first can't uphold my own word. I have been a liar for a very long time in my life, and I never fully understood how much it took from me. How much it poisoned me daily. Until I broke away from the constant failure, and started to live honestly and with integrity. When I can look at my actions and no matter who reprimands me or says anything about how I chose to act, if I can validate and explain to myself how and why I acted that way then let it be. That's all I can do. So long as I hold to my own standards. So long as I manage to live with integrity to myself.
So now that I see the path forward, how do I deal with the failure along that path? How should I apply grace in a positive way to help me move forward? Right now I can't answer that question. At this moment I can't see how to forgive myself. All I know is that I'm tired of failing myself. I am saying that I have no value. I'm telling myself that I'm not worth the effort. By failing to act, I'm telling myself that the things that I need to accomplish are not significant. Have I ever let down my parents/teachers/friends and even strangers when they have asked something of me? Not really, so why do I allow myself to fail me constantly? Why am I not good enough to stand up and hold value for me? Why do I regard myself with such a small way? How do I forgive myself when I fail in all the tiny and significant ways in life?
A lot of questions that I don't have the answers to yet. But I think it has to begin with honesty with ourselves. Saying "Yes, today you failed." Acknowledge your lack of success but take stock and evaluate it objectively. It can't be "Oh I'm just terrible, I failed and I'm no good." Although for me as soon as I acknowledge my weakness, my smallness and fragility I can turn around on itself into its own cycle of negativity. As you can tell I can turn almost any moment into an opportunity to negatively spiral. So how do I break this cycle and put an end to this self abuse? Okay so honesty with myself sure, but the next step is so crucial. Not letting that acknowledgment get out of control. "Today, I failed this way:" I am going to try and set a time limit. Give myself 10 seconds to feel my failure. Count to 10, and go over why you failed, what stopped me from accomplishing my goal that I set for that day. Was it laziness? Or some freak event out of my control? Did I have control over the failure? Okay, so now hopefully I have been able to determine why I failed. Now how to correct that failure. For handling my laziness it is as simple as not turning on my PS4 until I have accomplished my goal. As soon as I can distract myself with something more entertaining there goes the neighborhood. Nothing gets done. So I need to have the discipline to say "Not until your homework is done." I need to apply discipline to myself in ways that goes beyond my diet, my physical well being. It has to be a mental discipline, to harden my mind and my resolve. To take action when it is needed, and not shirk my responsibility.
When we end up in a terrible situation, the why and how we ended up there doesn't really matter. We are now stuck here, whether it's our own fault or because of someone else. Complaining and arguing over how terrible things are will do little to improve the situation surrounding you. It just takes some action, once you understand where the failure occured.
So I'm going to try and identify where I've failed and why I've failed. If I can locate that, then perhaps I can build a gameplan around that failure to combat it. Then I need to find a way to say to myself "It's okay. You are talented and can accomplish this." I need to remind myself that I have the potential to improve and so long as I remain diligent, disciplined and apply patience I will move forward. It may take years, maybe months, but I've been this way for 28 years. I need to remind myself that this has been ingrained in me for my entire life, and to break this habit will take time. Patience. There is no rush to achieve everything tomorrow, but move forward someway. No matter how small, just move forward. Just move.
So I guess I have a tiny little gameplan, now is making sure that I follow my own rules. Let's see how this works for now, and realize I may need to tweak the process. We aren't perfect and just need to try. Put the effort in. Just try as best we can.
I commit to myself. I commit to being the best most authentic version of me. Live with integrity and honour. Be honest. Discipline and patience. There is no rush, but work towards constant improvement.
I hope this helps me move forward, and hopefully to those that took the time to read this there is something useful you can take away from this post.
Have a great night everyone!
How to even begin. I guess with the premise.
I wanted to go through an experiment to try and find out more about myself. I spent roughly 4 days in both states of dominance and submission rotating halfway through. Unfortunately due to some unexpected real life situations the hours didn't quite match up to the time spent as each dominant and submissive.
Overall, I would say I succeeded and failed. Well it's a mixed bag. The thing is ultimately I did not unlock new depths of which I could delve into. But I've found a critical piece call it #4 of 10,000 puzzle that is me. So it's still a win, but I would be remiss to say I was hoping for a slightly more enlightened state of thinking.
So I need to say this. A shout out to my good friend who helped me through this process. She is absolutely fantastic, and a true embodiment of this lifestyle. She has decades of experience and has helped me in some ways more than any other mentor has for me.
My brother in law once told me "Time is our most important commodity we have. We only get so much, and we never get it back." That really helped me understand what we choose to do with our time is truly valuable. Who we choose to spend our time with is truly valuable. Making sure you find the right person to spend that time with is extremely important. The thing is we may not always get the time we think we deserve with someone. For whatever reasons things seem to end, and you have to start from scratch. So taking each flaw and failure you have seen in yourself and make sure you dedicate to maintaining vigilance in those areas so you don't falter again.
So I have extremely limited amount of experience, both in online relationships and in general kink. Leading up to the time when we had contracted to begin, I kept thinking. Who am I? What do I need? What is it Im looking for? I kept repeating those questions over and over until the hour struck midnight in her timezone. Unfortunately I did not come prepared. Still pulling my shenanigans from back in school. I never started a project until the last minute. Anyways outside of my moments of question time, I really didn't prepare much. I tried to be able to instill intention behind each action. To have purpose and reason for a certain behaviour. As much as I wanted it to happen, I did not instill much of anything spent my opportunities topping some orders around. It wasn't that I didn't learn anything while during my dominance phase, but there was blatant points as to why I was failing. It comes down to discipline and patience. A little bit of understanding *cough* and I never tapped into any of my dominant energy when I was trying to exude super manliness. Yeah that also did not happen. I do understand where I need to continue to focus my attention, and where to dedicate my time. It's just a step instead of the leap I was hoping for.
For my 48 hours of submission, I was fortunate that my goddess was exceptionally reasonable. It was an interesting experience as this was my first time ever being dominated. Although within the confines of an online relationship there are obvious limitations. I've found out that I need the physical presence of the other person which would help to bring out more of each side of me. I mean don't get me wrong it's a great place to start to interact, and meet new and exciting people. But as a relationship I would have an ultimate end goal of finding you in real life.
Anyways tangent averted, I found that submission was pretty straight forward. It was easy to go through what was required and I even found new enjoyment in a meal that has pretty much been the exact same for 1 month now. With some minor variations. But I was able to enjoy the same thing that I had always eaten because it was desired of me. As I even went about most of the things I didn't enjoy doing it was easier to go about and do what was asked of me. Simply because it was asked. I did have one significant moment of realization to me, and it was the fact that I needed to learn to become a servant of myself. As part of my path to dominance I need to go about and learn how to serve me. Because it starts there. I could feel it, and that was one moment in the middle of my submission where I finally was able to understand how to unlock one part of the switch to dominance.
I also had a moment where at the end of the first day, I passed out on my couch. FYI, my couch now puts me to sleep almost every night. I have a weird sleep schedule because I rotate day and night shifts, so I'm constantly adjusted my sleep pattern. As such when I am watching Netflix I usually end up passing out and waking up anywhere from midnight to 2 am and realize I need to actually go to bed. Unfortunately because I went unconscious I missed a number of messages and did not say goodnight. As such in the morning I got the opportunity to choose between two punishments. 1) standing on your tippie toes for 20 mins naked, time only counts when you are on your toes.
2)write 75 times "blah blah blah" can you tell which one I was already determined to do?
I found the perfect place in my house and I was fortunate that my roommate happened to be out shopping so I had the door cracked open just slightly. My goal was to be able to finish the time as close to 20 minutes as possible. Unfortunately as I began at 3:08 I needed to stop and use the washroom. Fortunately after relieving myself, I felt recharged to try again. This time I made it just past 7 minutes when I needed my next break. This was a quick stretch and toe wiggle to get blood flowing. After this I made good time and managed to make it just to 15 minutes. This time I needed a proper warmup so I wound up stepping away from the wall, gave 1 squat. Then moved over to do 2 single leg pistols on each leg. I stretched all the way through my hamstrings gave one more squat and finished with a wiggle. Then I was back at it to finish my last 5 minutes. All in it took me over 23 minutes to finish the assignment which I was pretty happy about. I didn't know what to expect, so as a starting point it was excellent. The thing about why I choose the naked toe standing was so I could get a calf workout in. I've honestly been neglecting my legs in my training and it was a great reminder to exercise my legs. So I made certain to thank my goddess for the opportunity to workout and exercise a section that I often neglect on a neglected section of my body. In many ways there is still a lot of growth for me to do, but I can see how I am slightly further ahead as a submissive than a dominant. More so that submission more naturally comes to me. Where as to obtain the dominance I have now found slightly muddled, requires even more clarity and focus. I will have to begin refining it once more and shape it exactly as I need. Just more work, time, patience and discipline.
Ultimately this was nothing but good for me, but I did obtain some really important parts of me. I just need to accept that I am here, and I can only focus on what's in front of me at this moment. There is no need to get distracted by those things that are trivial at this moment.
It's all slow progress, but I hope those that read this find assistance on their journey.
Have a great day everyone, see you in the PM.
Hey oh!!!
Good morning technically. At least for me. I wanted to share a little bit of my evening with you from yesterday. There is no real reason for this post, except that I noticed something. It seems that people are typically unhappy. At least during this time. But let me begin at the end of my work day.
So I had just finished working my 12 hour shift, and I knew I had 600 things to accomplish before going to bed that night. I finished work at 6:30 pm, but before I could go home I had to stop at a friends house and run and get some groceries. I also have 5 animals that needed feeding and to be let outside, so I knew I couldn't waste a lot of time. I had already been gone for an ample amount of time.
Anyways, a coworker had made the comment earlier in the day when we were chatting about how terrible it was to drive a long way to get home. It takes me just under an hour to drive home if there is absolutely no traffic and I speed just a couple kilometers over the posted speed limit. The thing is I hit the highway and that's my driveway. So when I hopped in my car after I got changed out of my work attire, just slightly after 6:30 I decided that I was going to change how I viewed my drive home. I didn't want to be grumpy, or bothered by the long drive. How do you enjoy something you don't like to do? How do you change the "terribleness" of a task? I decided for me that the time inside my vehicle I would turn off all my music, and the only noise I would create myself. So I began to hit my bass notes and work on a few different sounds, all the while making my way towards my friends house.
When I made it to my friends property I was greeted with his dog George. Best damn puppy ever, super happy and always wanting cuddles and love. So I stepped through the open door and was greeted by his excitement. It put a smile on my face, and I met with my friend and got to work. I was picking up some nemotodes and neim oil for my plant in order to defend against pests. I'm almost ready to flower, so I have to take my measures now to prevent or else I run the risk of ruining my end product. Anyways, I am always impressed by my friends grow operation. It's a thing of beauty. Like freaking amazing. Anyways, I had a moment standing in his computer room listening to music while admiring the dedication he has put into his plants. We had just finished smoking and I was in my head. I was eyeing his setup, how he had everything hanging and I thought about my own desires. I want to become a rigger. So I thought about how I might begin to implement a riggers system inside my grow tent so that everything is neatly organized. Right now it's a complete mess and I need to work on creating support for all my cords and parts and pieces. I have a long journey to reach understanding, but I'm excited about the potential for what I can create both in my personal life and for myself in bdsm. It's about choosing a path, and following through.
I had the "weird" thought about life. In life each moment or task is an opportunity. There is a recipe for that moment. Take mowing the lawn. In my instance I need to rake my yard and clean up the dog poop and excess grass lying around before I can attempt to mow. Then checking that my mower has fuel, and is properly maintained so I can operate as necessary. Then the task of physically using the mower to cut the grass. You can break down anything into the tiny ingredients that make up that task, and focusing on each small part you can work towards completing a more difficult and challenging task. I'm working on implementing this type of thinking into my daily life to help improve my procrastination.
After I had been gifted the necessary pieces I needed for my pest control, I had to drive to Costco to get groceries. (I freaking adore Costco, greatest store ever invented) I am sure you realize this and I will give you all a minute to gasp and point..... Yes I made the choice to drive while under the influence of cannabis. First allow me to explain something. I will not drink and drive. I have in the past it's stupid and I will not repeat that decision in my life. I'm certain I may be getting some sideways glances at this moment, and so be it. The reason I say this is that for my job, I am required to drive constantly. I respond from the deepest corners north in my city to the farthest reaches south. I drive constantly in a truck that's 12 tonnes. It's big, and clunky and hard to maneuver. I also smoke cannabis frequently, and I understand exactly how it effects me. I know when I've had too much, and last evening I decided to take the calculated risk to drive impaired. Part of it is the confidence I have in my ability to drive, and the other side is knowing when I'm "too fucked up". When I drink I reach that point easily and I make foolish decisions, but cannabis puts me in my head and can make me more attentive on the road. Not saying it makes me better, and it is also dependant on the strain but I know and trust in myself to operate a vehicle safely. Even if mildly messed up on recreational drugs.
While I was driving I continued to practice my beatboxing and if everytime I am inside my vehicle and turn off the music so I can practice one day I might actually become half decent. I even began to sing a silly song about how I needed to learn to appreciate my long as drive home. Making all sorts of silly comments and funny noises. I'm working on trying to learn a new skill in beatboxing, it's known as vocal scratching. Trying to imitate a turntable. I have brief moments of success with it, but it's not consistent as of yet. To be honest all of the different noises I can make are not well defined just yet, and I do not have full confidence in myself to pull any noise at will. I'm working towards it though.
When I arrived at Costco I noticed something. Everyone seems downtrodden. I'm sure there is probably ample amount of stress in everyones life right now, but it was weird walking into the store and seeing so many masks on. I also challenged myself a little bit, I tasked myself with only carrying everything I was going to get that day in my arms. Screw the cart, I can definitely carry everything. Except I brought in my empty water bottle to "fill" it up. Turns out it just took up space in my hands and by the time I was going able to even fill it with water my hands were full with my groceries and I wouldn't have been able to support the extra weight.
Anyways, I was determined to not use a cart and to enjoy my time in Costco. I was smiling, and just people watching as I made my way over and through the aisles. Switching this way and that when I forgot something, almost jumping and dancing at moments just enjoying moving as I chose to. I also tried beatboxing in the store which I probably wouldn't have done usually, although I stopped when I realized people may not be interested in having my spittle tossed around everywhere while I was walking. But I had a fun time, I was just enjoying myself. I wound up grabbing a small Cesar salad dressing box so I could stuff all my groceries and manage to carry everything. It's a great thing they only had the 5 lb bags of onions or else I never would have managed. It was pretty comical too as I was trying the find the coconut oil, I wound up missing it by a few steps. I went down the aisle and all over trying to find it, and when I got back to where I deviated from my original path it turned out if I had taken just two more steps I would have seen it on the end units at the aisle just in front of me where I decided to go hunting for the coconut oil. Silly me. Missed it by that much... The best part, I was about to pick up the coconut oil when I realized I had forgotten the butter!!!! So now I knew where the oil was I had to backtrack and hold off grabbing it because it would be too much weight to continuously carry. So I backtracked and located my butter, and grabbed everything and finally made my way to the check out lines. By the time I made it to my car my shoulders and arms were burning from the prolonged time I was carrying my food items. While I was walking around though, goofy smile on my face I wanted to try and bring a little cheer to those around me. Especially those working, so I began to offer cheerful words of encouragement, wishing good days and best of lucks to those employees I passed. I think we have had enough misery and so much negativity this entire year, so now that things are slightly improving and more businesses are opening up and as life returns to normal I wanted to share some joy with those people trying their best to endure it all. I even used my empty water bottle as a drum and was making all sorts of beats and sounds. I really enjoy music and am learning to appreciate it on a completely different level.
Anyways, I finished loading up my car and hurried home to go feed my animals and let everyone use the washroom. Even when I made it home I managed to be slightly productive with what I wanted to accomplish, but I missed a few things. Including mowing my lawn and showering. My problem was I sat down just after 10 pm when I had finished my dinner and I wanted to rest. Turns out I was exhausted because I woke up at midnight and realized how many things I still would need to make up for in the morning.
That was mostly my night, filled with a few funny moments and some poor decisions based on your perspective. But it was also a day where I acted with my own interest and just enjoyed my existence. I had fun, like I haven't had in a while. It was just a great night and I'm really excited to get home and finish some of those jobs still waiting for me.
Anywho, to those that bothered to listen to me ramble have a wonderful day! Try to smile, and enjoy the mundane. I hope today you find growth and improvement in yourself.
So I realize this is also now the afternoon, and I started writing this over 2 hours ago... So happy afternoon everyone!
So these "quotes" from yesterday and this morning are more thoughts in my head than actually spoken out loud.
"Son of a biscuit" I was opening the package for my butter but left the side flipped down, and wound up ripping the paper all the way across. Smh, simple steps I forgot to take to resolve my own issues.
"I am alone" I have been struggling lately with being focused on those around me. I find solace in the fact that I am now responsible for everything in my life, and if something isn't accomplished it's because I didn't do it. I need to combat my procrastination and this solitary thought managed to help motivate me greatly.
"Exist in silence" On my drive into work I took some time to shut everything off. I turned off my music, I turned off my mind and I simply existed inside my car on my way to work. It's a process of trying my best to stay grounded in this moment and not get distracted by all the "noise" around me.
So the whole point of this blog is to refocus myself. Lately I have had a desire to take a small step back from this site and do a little less communicating. Unfortunately I have a hard time doing that because I find insight and support from reading the blogs. Learning from others and what they have been going through.
I have found myself getting distracted though by the constant conversations I have been having. I want to focus on speaking with these people, so I allow myself to take time whether that be 15 minutes or sometimes hours to respond to messages. The issue is I have way too much that needs to be taken care of in my physical life. Those things immediately around me.
I work a 12 hour shift, and because of the drive time to work I spend around 14 hours away from home on a typical day. Now if I need to stop for groceries or run any other errands I have very little time in the evenings to get anything done. I need to look after the 5 animals I own, as well as myself and all the important tasks of owning a house. When I have such limited time to accomplish the things that need to be addressed in my life even taking 5 minutes to speak with someone may not seem like a lot but it can make a massive difference, especially when we begin to chat back and forth for the next 3 hours.
I came to the realization that I also become way to attached to those that I speak with. Just because we connect and I feel a companionship with that person doesn't mean we are actually compatible. Yesterday I had to take a hard look at myself, and make the tough decision to talk with my one friend less. Ultimately we have so much fun talking, but I find myself falling deeper and deeper into focusing on her conversations to the point where I was neglecting some aspects of my life. She also helped motivate me to take care of those things, but at the same time was a constant distraction. Someone I wanted to speak with, and enjoyed communicating but in the grand scheme of everything we are not a good fit for each other. It wouldn't work out between us because of some critical differences. We both know that it won't go any further than friendship but I was hoping that maybe there was a chance. I had to give myself a reality check. This amazing person is helping me to grow, and has allowed space for me in a such a way that I have found new depths to myself. There is so much that she has done for me, yet at the same time I need to step back slightly and focus on me. Focus on my existence.
Exist in silence, in this moment. No more or less than you can be. I am alone. Not lonely, as I have support and friends but alone. No one can help me achieve what I need to in life. Either I take it myself or allow all that I am to stagnate. I have been having more success and stepping back is just what I need to really embrace this small amount of time that I have to myself.
It turns out my wife will be returning home sooner than anticipated which means I now have less time to work and focus on me. Not that having her in the house makes much of a difference, but there is a freedom in being as loud as I want, as wacky as I want and that I must become fully responsible for my own life and all that falls under my care. When she is here, it doesn't necessarily stop me from continuing doing all that I'm working on but it makes a difference. Her presence means I don't have to be as strict with myself because she can feed the dogs in the morning if I don't have time, or clean part of the house while I'm at work. When I'm alone, I need to be in charge of all responsibility and nothing gets done if I don't do it. It creates discipline, and focus in my life. Something I need. I wish I had a little more time to myself, but such is life. I just need to recognize my opportunities when they present themselves and make the absolute most out of them.
No more procrastination. No more laziness. No more allowing myself to get away with murder. It's time to make lasting change in my own life. To focus on existing in silence. To remember I am alone. To move forward diligently and continue to make progress.
I hope today is a beautiful day and that you remember to smile!
So allow me to preface this by saying a few key things. First I am not a nudist. I enjoy being naked for many reasons, but it's not something I desire to do all the time. I think nudity has its place in certain aspects and should be used as a tool to help us find who we are. Next, some quotes from last night.
"......" I spent a fair amount of time in silence last night, spending time inside my own mind processing information and sorting out my shelves.
"Come on, get some!" I jumped onto my Xbox and played through some campaign on halo 5. I was hoping to play a little online but my Xbox live pass has expired. I need to go out and grab a new one in the future.
"Gravy train" I wound up getting called to work an extra shift today. So I had a 1 day weekend and now I'm starting my week of work today. I need the money, so I'm grateful to have the opportunity to be here and to have the time to write a little blog.
Anyways, I am sitting in the office at work thinking about my day yesterday. When I got home from dropping my wife at the airport, I disrobed and spent the entire day inside my own house nude. There are a few reasons I wanted to do this.
To begin, I wanted to do whatever felt right and I have not had the opportunity to exist in my pure natural state for a very long time. I find nudity fulfilling. I'm not an exhibitionist as I don't really enjoy being seen, it's just something I like to do for myself. The thing is I have very poor eyesight and I wear glasses everyday. To me, wearing my glasses is a necessary adaptation that I require in order to function "normally". My natural state though is to exist without glasses. When I remove my glasses and view the blurry world, I see everything exactly as I can. Objects turn into fuzzy colours and general shapes, and I lose perspective of what is "real". At the same time I am experiencing life in my natural state. My true unaltered natural state. The same can be said about my height, weight and other physical attributes. Sure I can dedicate time to working out, eating a specific diet, and those things can improve my muscle mass. It's a slight change though, and only achieved through perseverance and effort. Its even easier to gain weight because that requires no discipline. No forethought. It's the easier path to follow because you choose not to exercise, and eat anything you want regardless of how it might impact you. These slight alterations are still within the parameters of your natural state though. No matter how much I exercise I won't become as tall as my brother. I can't become bigger than I am, or really change my natural state much outside of the choices I make. Whether I gain weight, or put on muscle though I'm still operating within my natural state. No matter if I put on 200 pounds, that would become my natural state through my poor choices in foods and lack of exercise. It's all about my potential as an individual to achieve or fail whatever I set my mind on.
So yesterday I wanted to exist purely in my natural state. When removing all my clothes I no longer allow myself to hide. Any imperfections become seen. Any part of myself I don't like, I can't hide. I expose all that I am, and bare my imperfections and shortcomings. I'm not doing it for anyone except myself. To look and see who I am, exactly as I am in this moment. It's about learning to just accept and see that I am who I am. No more and no less. I have put a lot of dedication into achieving mastery of my physical self, and through that journey I have more muscle definition. I can see my abs forming and I see the positive change in my appearance that my effort has brought forth. The thing to keep in mind is we have to think about the right goals in our lives. I have no set weight that I want to achieve. I have no desire to reach any level of "shredded". I just want to improve my mastery of my physical self, and be able to accomplish some goals I have set for myself. I have put a plan in place and am following it as closely as I can to be able to accomplish what I have set before me. My coworker says all the time "proper planning and preparation prevents piss poor performance." The 7 P's of life he likes to call them. He's not wrong, as you can mitigate a lot of issues by becoming prepared and following through on your plans.
Anyways, I sat with myself yesterday. Naked and exposed. I searched into my heart, my mind and looked at what I have accomplished in my physical self. I'm really happy with how far I've come and yet I'm nowhere close to my end goals for this lifestyle. The question who am I, ringing around echoing inside my thoughts. Trying to seperate who I want to become vs who I am. I'm making steps, I'm putting in the work. I'm finding out about myself more and more each day. I am also looking into an experiment which I hope will shine a new light onto my true nature, and help me become more centered in both sides of myself. My dominance and submission. I will be blogging about that event and hope to achieve a new level of confidence within myself.
As it stands now, I am just glad to be here at work helping my city. Working on my mental, physical and emotional well being. Doing all I can to find myself and work towards who I truly am.
Have a wonderful day, and remember to smile!