Just me

She looked at her watch knowing his flight was just taking off. She had time to run thru her list that he gave her. She got herself ready. The usual, today was just about initial contact. Jean's a nice shirt one of the off the shoulder ones she loves. She packed the things she needed into the car and headed out. Driving she found herself dreaming of what it would be like to finally see him to know he was real. She didnt realize the time but got to the destination with little time to spare she checked in headed to the room to put her stuff down when she opened the door she smelled something sweet welcoming. As she walked in she saw the flowers they smelled so good. She grabbed some of the stuff out of her bag and set up the room. Strategic placing of candles, rearranging the flowers. Placing the clothing on the bed as he had told her. Then she pulled out one last thing the box she had for him. A simple gift to thank him for coming to her. She placed it on the bed and looked at the clock. Crap less than 20 minutes left. She did one final check of the room turned off the lights and ran out. She went down stairs to wait where he had told her, she sat at the bar and shaking ordered a drink. She waited and then her phone buzzed he had landed but there was an issue his bags had been put on another flight and were coming in shortly. Hed wait for them before he came over. She finished her drink and decided to go back to the room to freshen up a bit. When she opened the door the smell got her again only this time there was a hint of something different. Must be someone in the hall a manly scent. She walked in and noticed some things had been moved her clothing on the bed had been placed on a chair, the box she left for him had been replaced by a different box. As she was getting slightly scared her phone chimes again. He asks if she is where he told her to be because hes on his way. Shit she thought nope she wasnt where she was suppose to be. She turned to go back out the door not giving the changes another thought. She went back towards the bar but in the empty space there was a person sitting in the chair she had occupied earlier. A little bit of panic sets in because he wanted her in the middle of the bar and now she couldn't be. The person at the bar had their back to her and as she started to approach slowly her phone dinged again it was him telling her to sit at the end of the bar and not talk to anyone. She did as told. He then asked her why she had left the bar when he didnt tell her to and just as she was starting to answer the person in the middle of the bar sent a drink to her. His back still turned she started to say thank you and he turned around her heart skipped a beat it was him!! But how and when! she went to get up and one small motion of his hand let her know to be still. She sat down and didnt move. He watched her he let it be known that he was watching her. The minutes slowly ticked on and on. Finally he made a move towards her came over grabbed her up and hugged her. Pressing his face against hers he asked quietly why she left the bar. She told him she went to the room to freshen up and then she gasped it was you! You were in the room after me you moved things. You knew I'd go back didnt you. He chucked and said I've been here for over 2 hours I flew in early because I wanted to see how you reacted to everything if you did as instructed. He could feel her tremble and he said I'm very pleased good girl. He held her a little tighter and then said but you did leave the bar without me saying to do so we will handle that later. He squeezed her tighter and in that very moment everything melted away...

So yea just an idea of a first meeting but I love surprises so I would hope the day would be filled with them. I'm a sensory person so smells lighting taste and touch all keep me in the moment. Nerves will be ever present and I dont imagine the first time ever being in an air port. I dont think I could handle my anxiety with crowds and meeting the first time all rolled into one time. I want to feel the connection because I know that if it's strong mentally my body will follow. The physical aspects of the first meeting will be in his hands at that point because I will be the sub I'm meant to be

Today at work we had a huge inspection. We passed yay us. Each department gets a score and then we do an overall. Well each department passed but one negative comment from my boss made my victory seem so fake. Grrr days like this make me wonder if I'm doing the right thing 

Has any one ever stopped to think about a text. A written word. It is never actually what you think it is. If your in a bad mood you can see one simple word latch on get angry and defensive about it. While someone else can see the same word and say ah yea I see that. I could simply write the sky is blue and that tiny statement could bring the rage out of someone who is passionate about why the sky appears to be blue. 

   Before you make an assumption on what someone's words are saying. And before you decide to give your opinion to correct them there is one simple thing we can do  ASK what their intention was. I have had so many disagreements via text because you cant see emotion passion or any other feeling in a text even the ??????? can be taken wrong. ASK before you jump. ASK before you let your emotions get the best of you. ASK before you have to apologize for taking something they said the wrong way.  

  ? I am sorry I take things so seriously sometimes and I know I need to ask more often for clarity. This is a battle I willcontinue to fight  

16 years is a long time... mistakes anger hurt pain joy love warmth family. This no way is related to anyone here but just wanted to share a different side.
The last 4 years of my marriage were definitely not story book. I wont go into details about the circumstances because i dont want or need pity. I am just putting this out there.
So I found out he had another this broke me shattered me. I begged him to stay. I had no job had been a stay at home mom for about 3 years. Anyway he said ok. So something in me told me I had to do better. I made sure dinners were done the house was clean kids were calm and I enrolled in school because f*ck if I was gonna be without a education if he did this again. Anyway flash forward I finished nursing school graduated with honors, went and got my assciates in medical something or other (yep I use that a lot) again graduated with honors. He missed this graduation. Anyway I started to work as a nurse and within 3 months of being hired I found out he was at it again with the same person. I sat down with him as a secure person and asked him what he wanted. He said out I said theres the door his face dropped.there was no begging no tears no anger. On my step daughters 17th birthday he went to work kept sending me messages of how he was confused wanted me and on and on.. I told him I refused to he the other woman. He never came back and never slept in my bed again, and left it to me to explain to my babies where he was. I shut the door and refused to ever open it. He disappeared on 3 little humans, that makes him a POS in my eyes.

Anyway there is a lot more to this that I wont write but now onto why I titled it what I did. I blamed her. She didnt know things though.. yes 3 years later she did but she still only had his lies. She wasnt the other woman I was!!! She may have started out as that but I became that. He fell in love with her but was obligated to me I became the place he had to go she became the place he loved to be.

So though it's hard to say I was the other woman. I kept him from his happiness only by a vow made in church. I distracted him from his joy.

I realized that I wont ever be the other woman. I wont dabble in poly because I cant handle the idea of being a distraction for someone else's happiness. I wont sit at home longing for his attention wanting him to love me the way he does her. I wont let myself feel hurt pain or sadness because my persons heart belongs to another. No matter what I do I wont ever be the other woman again.

The feelings of unworthiness mistrust and hurt are to overwhelming. I have been the other woman more than once and on both sides. I was the other woman in a mental relationship and I realized its just the same as what the physical did to me. I am possibly hurting and making someone else feel like the other woman.
Guys if your heart and mind dont belong to the same person you can devastate not just yourself but 2 other people. I dont judge anyone in open relationships or poly I just know deep down I could never to that. I dont share well...

So almost 2 years ago I joined the cage. Very shy and timid but looking to learn. I read blogs profiles even some of the chat. I finally found the courage to reach out to someone I knew would be a safe bet as he was taken. I had questions things only someone in the life could educate me on.

I became friends with this person and he challenged me to find the old me. The one who loved to write and Express herself. So he told me to write a story and I did. Well that set off the flood gates I haven't stopped writing since. I journal in some way almost daily either in blog or my note pad but I do it. I thank him for giving me the gift of expression again. I remained friends with him the whole time I've been here and recently his life flipped upside down (not my story to share) and he ghosted. Not even a good bye hopefully he will Return. I will always treasure him for what he taught me.

In the mean time I talked to others and connected with some. Then there was who I thought was it. I fell and fell hard. He got me to open up verbally find the person I wanted to be hiding in the shadows to see that the Sins weren't that. I wont ever be able to repay him for that gift but he ended up hurting me emotionally and didnt even realize it. I'm so very thankful for him because I learned a lot about me from him.

Then there were others that taught me things along the way some let me know that Dragons arent demons and showed me that I needed to put forth more of myself to find who I wanted. There were those that were Evolving that taught me even greater lessons such as always follow your gut. Even a Master taught me what it truly means to be a slave.

The friends I've made recently have been without a doubt what kept me here. I found a treasure an Elder, a Ghost, a Gentleman, and though we haven't spoke yet a girl who's pain I feel.

Just when I thought I had my fill of what I needed a Daddy stepped in and has shown me how to trust again. How to depend on someone and not shut down. To give fully and feel with everything I have, that it's ok to be so consumed with thoughts of someone and to want to hear them. That my crazy is needed.

My journey is far from over but I needed to take the time to reflect and understand who I am and who had a hand in guiding me. All of the people I have talked to here have one way or another touched part of my life and I'm truly grateful for that. Your blogs comments and conversation are so much part of me and have made me understand different sides of this whole crazy world.

So cage family thank you and let's never stop learning from eachother.

J

She was lost and alone, everyday the same damn thing. She had friends they didnt understand, she had people who she would have been easily started something with but the timing was very off. She started to accept the feeling of being lost and alone. She was ok with that. Giving up on being someone's. Not wanting the hurt of rejection any more. When this set in Her mind she never expected to find someone. Ok not just a someone but 2. 

2 people reached out and saved her in different ways. The friend gave her the sounding board she needed for the hurt she had been given. Shared her story with her and the friendship was almost instant.  Great thing about this is this person helped to guide her, understand and accept feelings with the second person and has been a great cheerleader along the road. 

 The second person oh geez where do I begin. He saw her broken apart not as shattered as she had been but broken the same. He saw the angry hurt bitter side but still made the choice to scoop her up and keep her protected. She fought against it of course. She had no soul left to give. No heart to offer and her mind was pretty messed up. She warned him and he still wanted to keep her safe. 

As days went on she felt herself let go of some of the anger, the fear and pain. She felt herself waking again  Her heart beating her soul wanting to search. She felt almost whole. And this was all because of 2 amazing people who took the time to find the shattered soul in the dark 

To that friend the way we started to chat may not have been the ideal situation but i am so thankful it happened. Treasure you really saved me from something that could have been really bad and I could never thank you enough. The best part is the friendship I've gotten. Thank you for being so amazing 

To the second you know who you are.  In such a short time you have renewed my faith, given me hope, and torn down some of my walls. I am beyond grateful you answered a simple hello and cant wait till the next ?

Its started out as a simple hello. Going through profiles and taking a chance. She swallowed her fear and decided to reach out one more time, just one more and she was done for the day. She never expected a reply. Just as she was closing the email she heard it the alert, he responded. Before she realized it they had exchanged so many emails and she found it frustrating because she had to wait. What was it that made her want to talk more kept her hanging on. She had to know more.
She took another leap and decided to move to an easier way to talk and he accepted. More messages and hours ticked by. The laughter and comfort felt easy and so good. Does she take one more leap no no not yet. Then a feeling hits and she cant help it before her brain catches up she sends a number. Then the text comes. Oh crap what did she do she gave him an in to her reality. No time to second guess now just keep talking keep texting.
As they come to a close she realizes hundreds of messages have gone back and forth and then it's a need she wants to hear his voice. She makes the comment and then gets shy. What ifs plaque her mind but he wants it to.
Then it happens the ring... she almost drops her phone but answers and with a single word she feels like shes coming home. Hours go by and it's easy no quiet spaces and even if there are they are comfortable. Finally they say goodnight and she is only going to have a few short hours of sleep. Was it worth it yes.
The morning rolls around and now her brain has caught up. Oh God what if it was just that a one night thing. Doubt creeps in but she remembers his words. Anxiety tries to take hold but again she hears his words. Doubt and anxiety are silenced when another text comes in and all over again shes in a safe place no fear no anxiety no doubt. Was it worth it she thinks yes it was so worth it.

I haven't wrote in a long time like this, thank you for the inspiration.
Remember assumptions are not our friend go with your gut like a wise friend has told me. Your gut always knows it will warn you when there are red flags and guide you when there's not. Gonna start going with my gut more often.

I think I played this song a million times 3 years ago.. he may not be better but I sure as hell am.  Sad thing is you still find people who fit this one song

So I have a lot to say today been brewing for a few days actually. I know I may upset some people but hey it's my blog.

So let's start with the insta Doms and subs. You started to come here for what instant satisfaction? That's not going to happen. Doms or whatever you really are, demanding things from a sub before shes even yours is funny. I have a personality where I am respectful and kind but that doesnt mean I submit to you. I dont appreciate the games of guilt telling me I am not a good sub or I need to rethink it. I am not your sub therefore I am not going to be good because I dont know you. You say things that are just words to you but can be hurtful to the person you say them to. First thing you need to have manners as well.

Subs if your an insta sub your not only making a bad name for yourself but making it so much more difficult for those of us that are really searching. You play with a Dom who really wants something and then ghost that messes with them just as it would you. First thing you have to realize is this isnt an instant thing you have to build trust and a foundation where you feel safe. God forbid you end up all over the net because you burned the wrong person.

On to the next thing if I just started talking to you and its progressing I want and need the support. I dont want to have to pick up more pieces and reassure over and over that I am in this for real. I already have children to take care of I dont need another. I understand there will need to be that but dang some Doms here need more emotional support and reassurance than I do and that in turn makes me feel like I'm trying to be in control I dont want that. I'm here to have someone take that away from me.

Heres a hint if your talking to more than one sub be upfront about it dont play games. Dont say your not on here when clearly you are. Subs talk we notice things and in all actuality if you treated a previous sub good you should want them to talk you should have no fear if they do. I am not stupid I see things and pay attention. And a lot of times it hurts like hell.

I know many here hate 50 shades but let me say something have you read them? There are pieces in those books that rekindled the fire in me so I have to say they helped my journey. I shouldn't be ashamed that I read them. It was more the Doms side of the story that got me. Yes there are 3 books from his view point. I also have read some of the gor books and things in there resignated with me so dont knock them unless you have read them. The movies dont count. I know I wont find a Christian grey here because hell im no Anastasia! I will say it again I did read things I want and I started my journey into things I wasnt allowed to Express before

Last but definently not least what I blog isnt a personal thing towards anyone its just me rambling for the most part. If the shoe fits wear it. I dont blog about anyone at all if I did I would include their name if the sweet blog was about them. I stopped writing because some think that it's about them. This my friends is my outlet the one place I feel free to Express thoughts so I do.

With that said I'm actually looking for real, I'm going to finally find my courage and see what munches are around me and try to go. I need to finally see the real side of this so wish me luck..lol maybe the quiet wall flower will finally be heard.

Thank I'm done now. 

Stay happy my friends 

It's amazing how some days fly by and others drag. Today was one of the slowest fast moving days I've ever had.  Time drug on because I didnt want to be at work but some how there wasnt enough time to get all my tasks done.  

Then i find out so many people have called in for tomorrow and now it's a long night. Top it off with a cryptic Facebook message from my son in the air force stationed on the other side of the world... ughh thank you Monday can you please be done now. 

  On a good note this place this blog is starting to feel good again and where I can just be me