Just me

I don't pay attention to much, I live this life with my head down trying to get thru the days unnoticed. I don't want to stand out. So tell me why I got a job in a management position and I'm the go to for everything at work. I'm also the one who gets the blame when yhe crap hits the fan. 

    Even here I try to fly under the radar. I cheer for relationships, I take it to heart when they dont work.  This place has become my safe haven. I have seen some posts lately that kinda rubbed me the wrong way. 

      First ANY post I do is always from a subs stand point I can not speak for a Dom/me point as I am not that.  Now we subs tend to write and put it all out there. Doms not so much. My guess is their strong persona may be questioned by others.  None of my blogs were ever intended to say things like ghosting are only one sided it happens both ways. 

    Also are we really a community of nonjudgment? I think not. I have been told many things and always say how the hell would you know you have barely spoken to me. So the question "What kind of sub are you" I answer the same  it's what I see myself as. I know I will evolve and adapt to whatever relationship I am in but no one has the right to put me in a box! Just as I dont have the right to put a Dom/me into a box.  

      We have people here are just dabbling in this life and ones who are extreme. Some of their choices may not be mine but I cheer them on for what they and their other half have chosen. Stop being so judgmental and maybe learn from the community.  If I hadn't taken the time to learn what Intrested me I wouldnt know that I am a small piece of every sub label there is. 

     To the new kids slow down enjoy the ride! Life is about smelling the Rose's and learning the lessons the things around are willing to teach. Learn all you can and become the best you! Remember we dont dont fit into a box, the vanilla world judges us already so why do the same here.  

None of your predetermined shoes fit me, so I will continue my walk barefoot and happy, and keep being the cheerleader and student. I wont become stagnat by thinking I know it all. 

The hours tick by

The day grows closer

The pain my heart feels

The suffocating feeling

The memories start to flood in

Reliving that day

No matter how hard I try

The bad memories come back

The last time I heard her voice

The small petty things

Minor problems in my life

Time slows down the next few days

Making the loss drag out

Nightmares return

Many times I've reached for the phone

Just to hear her voice.

Her voice no longer exists

A distant memory

Panic builds and wont calm

The day my world died

The day the one person who knew me

Every little weird part of me

The mother who wore the scares

Inside and out

The keeper of all my secrets

The calm in my storm

I cant get over the feeling

It's hard to let the void go

I try so hard to remeber

All the good

As the day approaches

It's just not that easy

I know we all have lost someone one way or another. I know loss never gets easier we just learn to grow and adapt, becoming a different person than we were the day our worlds changed. Grieving never comes with a time limit and time has a cruel way of reminding you. You live that moment like it's just happening and yet you know it was many many years ago.
I hope everyone remembers to tell those important to you just how important they are. Never stop loving and giving

💜phe💜

I guess my body finally had enough. I climbed in bed last night without meditating and sent out an email and maybe a message but I really dont remember. I dont even remember closing my eyes. I woke up like I always do or so I thought. My phone on my chest. I looked at the time and it was 4:30 am.
Well crap I fell asleep and slept the whole night. I didnt move an inch. So now I'm awake the smell of coffee in the air, god I love the automatic timer. Cuddled up under my blankets I get a message that makes me smile, the ideas are floating around in my head, I'm plotting a story and the ideas are spinning away.
2 more days of work thank god, hopefully next week will calm down finally and maybe I can get back to my stories. I love the writing but with work it's been so many ideas and I cant lock one down. It's crazy when there is clarity in the chaos but you have to fight your way to get to what you want.
Keep writing, keep learning, most of all keep on traveling your path no matter what crazy gets in the way!
💜phe💜

The call comes over the speakers
We spring to action
Hymlic forces air out
The smell of peanut butter in the air
Quickly we put him on his back
No pulse and faint respirations
1,2,3,5,6,7,8,9,10 breathe
4 sets later a gasp
Turn to the side and sweep the mouth
No fear of being bitten
I have to save him
Back to his back and pulse check
No respirstions faint pulse
We start over same thing
Push breathe sweep
Somehow 911 is called
The medics swoop in
We stand shocked
Watching as they try to save him
I finally make it out of the room
My nursing face on, a stone wall
The captain looks at me and knows
He tells me how big my heart is
How I make their days better
Time ticks away
His life slips further from me
I watch as we loose him
A hand i6n my shoulder
A knowing set of eyes look at me
My wall breaks
I take a deep breath
Give the rookie nurse words
Encourment support and love
He needs to take a break
When they pronounce
My heart stops
It's my turn to walk away
Tears fall as I rush out the doors
The sun beats on my face
The breeze makes the tears cold
And I calm down
I go back in to see him in bed
Haphazardly placed
I get my girls and say we need to care for him
I strip away the signs of the fight we gave
I make him look as we remembered
I cry through the whole thing
My girls saying it's ok go sit down
I tell them no they dont have to do it alone
I hear whispers "J is doing postmortem care"
Others say I'm the only LVN who will do this with them
I tell them because we are a team
I say goodbye to a special soul
I know my heart will feel it later
For now I have to be the warrior
The support for my staff
The strength the family will need
Tonight I will find my place
And let it all fall out
Tonight I will remind myself
I AM STRONG AND I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

I have had a lot of conversations with subs lately. There seems to be a common concern with all of us. What are we doing wrong?
So heres the short (probably longer than I think it will be) senerio. Let's just say for this the Doms name is Y.
Y comes in all sweet and nice wants to get to know you. Tells you how well your clicking blah blah blah.
So after hundreds of e mails on cage you move to a different platform. Your talking things are going good still and then this happens....
Y needs to go do something, cook, eat, shower, run a marathon who knows. So you say cool talk to you soon. Well you go back on cage to write a cute little story about this wonderful Y and how things are going so great. You stop dead in your tracks becasue apparently Y's kitchen, bathroom or track are in your contact list.
Y lied....... hes not doing what he said he was going to do hes back here. Then you get a message, no not an e mail or bond but an actual text from a friend saying "Omg I met this amazing Dom his name is Y....." that's all you can read or comprehend.
So Y is meeting others and doesnt realize how much subs chat with eachother. I'm not saying any of this is wrong but at least be honest. Dont make someone feel like they arent enough. Dont give them hope and then let them crash. Just because we are subs doesnt by any means mean were stupid.
Doms tend to say dont let your past relationships dictate your future. Well dont act like my past and it wont dictate my future.
So many times I have wanted to give up the search because I have felt I wasnt good enough. I wasnt worth getting to know because there are so many other temptations on here.
Online is brutal, it makes me weaker in who I am. It makes me doubt my ability as a sub and who i am. Another hard thing is the ghosting, and the blocking. If your gonna block someone at least give them a reason make sure they know how they messed up. This messes with my head more than anything.
Anyway off my soap box and into work I go.

Happy Monday and good luck cagers it's a brutal world try to smile and have a great day!

💜phe💜

She sits with her phone in her hand

Watching the drama unfold

She keeps quiet remembering

The secrets she is told

The lies the deceit the chaos

For some reason she hears it all

No one really knows the real her

Very few have taken the time

To see the girl behind the phone

The keeper

Never will she give the secrets

Not even those of her enemies

She use to stay hidden

The shadows keeping her safe

Many told her things then

When she stepped out into the light

People still didn't notice

Her box of secrets locked and hidden

No matter what you do

No matter what you say

The keeper will keep it locked away

She will take the hits

She will keep on moving

No breaking her down

Your sneaky tactics

Wont work on her

Shes not that kind of person

She tries to find the good in all

Even putting herself last

She wont play into your games

She wont ever give into you

This is what makes her strong

A true friend

Holding all she had been told

All she had seen

If she believed everything she heard

She wouldnt know some amazing people

She doesnt fall for the chatter

Or the negative things that are said

She reaches out to learn

To understand who people are

Most times becoming friends

Try to trip her up if you wish

But know this

When you mess with her or her friends

She will come back with claws and nails

She will never tell your secrets

But she will make sure you know

She isnt one to stand and watch

Good people be hurt

Our reputation is all we really have here

So make the choice leave her and her friends alone

Or challenge her and see

She will take you on and bring you to your knees.

She will walk away secrets in tact

Leaving you with a kiss

As she pulls the knife from her back.

Your forget shes the phoenix

Never really dies

Rises from the ashes

Ascending to the skys

I leave the ball in your court

Do as you will

But know I will keep the secrets

Even the ones I've learned about you.

So its come to my attention that I am in the middle if some fucked up shit. First off thank you for paying so much attention to me and making me a priority in your life. Secondly YOU DONT KNOW ME! IVE NEVER SPOKE TO YOU OR SEEN YOU HERE BEFORE! 

I talk to a handful of people here and am close to them. I know a lot of secrets as they are between my friends and I, and I would never tell anyone anything. I come here to blog and vent and live my life. I dont come to start drama.

Those who know me know I would never betray anyone or share anything I've heard about someone here. I've been here over 2 years and it's taken that long to be involved in any of the drama!

My question to you is why would you drop my name to someone I barely know? Why would you even try to hurt someone else by spreading such ugliness? Are you jealous because people read my blogs and comment? Are you so insecure in your own skin you have to create drama for someone else?

This shit may explain why people I thought were my friends have blocked me, or why people here have grown quiet. Leave my name outta your mouth stop trolling to create drama and better yet actually be a friend to those you claim are your friends!

To those of you who have seen my name mentioned dont hesitate to ask me what is going on! I dont share what I know because it's not my place to do so or my story to tell.

*this blog doesnt have the name of the person starting the crap but I will just say as I have in another blog "if the shoe fits then fucking wear it cinderella"

I woke up this am and staggered out of bed because my body apparently is rejecting everything. From the tip of my spine all the way down my back hurts. My head is screaming and now I have the sniffles. Guess working like a mad woman isnt a good idea for me.
Anyway I get to the edge of my bed and it looks like I have random snowballs all over my room. The visitor of I will murder all stuffies laying in the middle of it.

        The owner of the stuffie hiding under a blanket because she cant believe what she witnessed stuffiecide.... the culprit was tired and found guilty after I gimped my way to the bathroom. The cleaning crew worked its magic and all evidence has been wiped clean.

       Now mind you the crime screen from yesterday had to be cleaned up this is where the stuffie owner murdered the nefd gun and legos.

      Okay so I finally get to my kitchen and get my coffee. Sweet liquid heaven. Take some pain meds to ease the back and head and try to read some messages. Finally in a happy moment i get to.
I read blogs and giggled my butt off. I am finishing this cup of heaven an going to go and meditate for a few even though that's normally at night and see if I can restart the morning a little better.

      So please remember if you woke to a bad start there is always a positive with it. I know all the littles here are probably going oh no or sad the stuffie was taken but please know no more lives will be lost in this house as the culprit isnt allowed in my room any more. Thank god he didnt get to my Jack Skellington it would be an all out war if he had.

💜phe💜
Have a wonderful day cagers.

Today after no sleep the past 24 hours I got a phone call from Turkey. Just as I was feeling I had nothing left in me this call gave me a renewed energy. I was at my job for literally 21 hours yesterday, yes 3 and a half were on a break but still there.

As 4 am rolled around I was feeling myself crashing. I missed telling my littles goodnight and giving them kisses, I didnt get to have that moment to myself like I have been the past few nights and it was really taking a tole on me.

All of my chat groups were quiet, my kik, hangouts and bond were all silent as my friends slept peaceful (I hope). So as the coffee was wearing off and I was starting to crash I heard this weird sound from my phone. A very unfamiliar ring.

With some hesitancy I looked and realized I had a call on Facebook. What the heck I thought, I'm barely ever on there. There it was his sweet name...Seth. i was so excited i declined the call instead of answering. Several attempts by both of us and finally after months o got to hear his voice.

For 3 years hes been stationed in Turkey. It's been probably 4 since I got to hug him. As soon as I heard "Hey momma" my heart started to pound. We caught up on so much. I went into protective mom mode, wanting to shield him from all the hurt and pain, the huge battle hes going through and the disappointment of a failed relationship. We laughed and amazingly enough I didnt cry.

As we were getting ready to hang up he said "Mother" I said "Son" and then i heard him say "I miss you and will be home in May if my orders go like they think"

That simple sentence gave me relief, comfort, security and peace. We hung up the phone and knowing my boy was okay and surviving a very difficult time was everything I needed.

I love my kids to death and letting them go to make their own choices and mistakes is the hardest thing any one will ever have to do. The amazing joy that comes when you know they are still breathing is priceless.

If you've got them hug them, any form, kids, nieces nephews, cousins, friends kids, god kids..any show them how much they mean to you, and treasure every precious moment.

💜phe💜

So I was thinking about the subissive prayer and the subissive creed. Both are beautiful and both written by someone else. They are their words not mine, they are someone elses feelings and words we as subs have taken and learned from, some of us even using them daily.

So this got me thinking and apparently writing. I came up with my own prayer. One for me and whom ever I choose. I will say it nightly to keep me centered, to keep me close to whomever it will be.

I have always said I dont fit into a box, so why would I let someone elses words define or center me. I am not faulting anyone who uses either but what I am asking is challenge yourself write your own, if you are with a Dom or Domme share with them. Be you be proud and let your words tell your story.