Ev's kink corner

So, little back story, dude messages me wanting to be "friends." I tell him sure, we can be friends. No online play, no long distance relationships, but friendship is a-ok.

After a few messages back and forth, he's asking for my bra and panty size, wanting to know all about my ass, etc, etc. I say no. He tries to cyber-dom me. I laugh at him and say I already told him no. He tries to cyber dom me again, and says he's gonna kidnap me. I tell him that I've choked out much stronger men than him, and that it's not gonna happen. He's a switch, and he acts like he's now indimidated, and wants to cyber with me topping him. I tell him that is also not going to happen, unless he's into blow torches and oil drums. 

Dude is so thirsty he says "yeah maybe, sounds interesting."

So I send him this:

"

Uh ok guy, sure, just this once, I'll give you a little cyber role play scenario, since you wouldn't accept my "no" boundary. Have one (1) fantasy role play scene, free of charge, involving 55 gallon drums and a blowtorch.

Your hands and feet are turning purple, but it doesn't really matter. I pull out some tarp, a chainsaw, and a lot of jugs of bleach. The 55 gallon drums sit, waiting patiently to receive you. I gag you so you cannot scream, and cut you into pieces, placing your limbs in one drum, your torso in another, your hands and feet in one paint can, and your head in another, after knocking out all of your teeth. I use the blow torch to obliterate any tattoos or identifying marks you may have, as well as burning off your finger and toe prints.
The tarp goes into the drum with your torso.
The teeth, I take and pulverize, scattering the powdered remains in a river 50 miles away.
The paint can with the head in it gets buried out in the woods 100 miles away.
A different brand of paint can from another store containing your hands and feet are buried 83 miles south of the first paint can.
The oil drums have some holes in them and are loaded up with cement, then dropped into the ocean 32 miles out to sea.
A brief search happens, but after a while the case goes cold and gets shelved.

13 years later, somebody finds a paint can with the head inside, but without any teeth, it's pretty impossible for even a good forensic anthropologist to identify the remains.

The end."

He still doesn't get it and begs to be my cyber-captive/torture victim instead, so I block him. 

I really enjoyed that book about forensic anthropology that I read 19 years ago, but I hadn't realized just how useful it'd turn out to be!

NOTE: I recently wrote this for a group which mostly contains female readers of male dom, female sub dynamic BDSM erotica. Please feel free to apply this list to any gender identity on the spectrum, and any number of partners in a D/s dynamic. After reading the stories, which are fantasies, I realized that, while it is fine in a fantasy, IRL a lot of the behavior of these characters is NOT OK, and I worry that a lot of people will read them and then go out into the world thinking that it is what is normal and "expected."

It's some important stuff for us all to keep in mind- doms, subs, experienced, and new.

I also want to note that there are red flags that apply to submissives as well! Doms are just as human, and deserve to stay physically, emotionally, and legally safe, too.

Hey, how about a wee discussion?

The topic: RED FLAGS!

I've seen a quote floating about, and it's so very true- "it's hard to see red flags when you're wearing rose colored glasses."

A new dom who can make you feel amazing, intense things can be really intoxicating. Addictive, even. When your heart races and your breath catches in your throat, when he's made you orgasm until your thighs are trembling and you can't even stand any more, you may find yourself inclined to ignore warning signs. I know I have this problem. But really we shouldn't!

Here are some red flags that are worth paying attention to!

1. He acts offended by the thought of safewords, wanting to see STD test results, safe calls, asking for references, asking around about him, wanting to meet in public or play in public only at first, setting hard limits, or letting someone know where you will be. This is a MAJOR red flag. Does he have something to hide? Will he really respect your limits? Will he really be safe? Does he care about you feeling safe, and your safety?

2. Something in your gut has you worried, and you want to work it out. You have just started getting involved, and he demands absolute trust, getting angry if you don't give him 100% of your trust immediately. That's not how trust works. Trust is built. A good dominant will work through things with you. You both will need to slowly prove trustworthiness to each other. (This DOES apply to subs, too!) He needs the maturity and perspective to understand that, even if he KNOWS he is actually trustworthy, you aren't really going to know that yourself until you've had time and experience with him. (let's just consider genders interchangeable here.)

3. He does or says something hurtful, scary, upsetting, etc, and if you express your feelings about it, he shuts you down. He gets angry and scary about it- how DARE you react negatively to something he said or did to you? He acts like the victim when he hurt you. This is a red flag for an abuser. Everyone upsets or hurts the person they care about occasionally. How it is handled after, and how often it is handled, is VERY telling.

4. When you set boundaries, real boundaries, he runs over them without your consent. No. Nonononono. NO. The heart of dominance is CONSENT. Limits and boundaries are there for a reason. They must be respected. Some may be re-negotiated, but that is with everyone's informed, enthusiastic consent. Not because of constant pressure.

5. Constantly threatening abandonment, or punishing with abandonment when you really didn't do anything wrong. Unless this is negotiated, it can be used abusively and it can really mess you up. Unless you are really ok with that, don't put up with that crap! It's awful. It's a tool an abusive dom will use to manipulate you into things you aren't really ok with at all, or to shut you down when he is harming you, for fear of being abandoned.

6. He isolates you from your friends and family. Run. RUN.

7. He is nasty and abusive to people around him. Waitstaff, store employees, friends and family. Treats everyone like they should be his slave and soak up his abuse- without their consent. This guy isn't a dom. He's just an asshole.

8. You find yourself thinking a lot "that hurt, that wasn't ok, but he said he'd change, it'll be different this time. If I just love him better, give more, he will change, he won't be like this any more." No, he'll always be like that. Humans rarely change their behavior patterns.

9. You've been with him for a while, and everything was great, but suddenly he's changing, he's hurting you in a bad way, he isn't respecting boundaries, isn't respecting you. You're scared to tell him how you feel, scared to let yourself be yourself. You try to talk about it, and he shuts you down, is nastier, etc. Unless he's going through some huge temporary thing and really making an effort to not be an ass, this is probably what he's really like, now that he has reeled you in.

10. He is trying to control your life in ways you didn't agree to and aren't ok with. He breaks or steals or throws away your property without your consent. He tries to make you get rid of your pets, or he hurts them. Ruuuuuuun.

11. "If you were a TRUE sub, you would,"

Fuck this negging bullshit. True submissives are people who truly get something out of being submissive, and have an inclination in some part of their life to be submissive. But a bad dom will use that "twoo" argument to pressure or abuse their sub. "If you were a TRUE sub, you wouldn't have any desires of your own, and would ONLY get pleasure from pleasing me!" Dude, you don't want an actual human sub. You want a realdoll. You aren't ready for the responsibility of a human being. "If you were a TRUE sub, you would have a higher pain treshold." No, no no no no. Everyone has different pain thresholds. It has NOTHING to do with whether or not they are a sub! "If you were a TRUE sub, you wouldn't have boundaries or limits with me!" Fuck you buddy. I sure the hell would. This isn't Reality of Gor. This is Reality of Reality. Again, get a realdoll. Being a sub doesn't mean you are weak, can't have boundaries, can't keep yourself emotionally and physically safe from harm, can't be a powerful person... hell, the most powerful in vanilla life people I've met in the lifestyle have been subs. It's a balance thing. I know people who are submissive or dominant in pretty much every aspect of their life, but they are rare, and I worry a bit for them, hoping they have some outlet that gives them balance.

Look, a truly healthy relationship is one in which everyone is happy and fulfilled, and everyone's world gets bigger, not smaller. This is even very much the case with D/s. Everyone should be getting what they need, and at least most of what they want. It should be a thing of joy. Enthusiastic consent. Both doms and subs are HUMAN BEINGS. Real people, with real emotional and physical needs. Not a fantasy. Not a prop. Sometimes they might enjoy playing the part of a prop, but that, again, should be with their enthusiastic consent.

12. Punishing a submissive for having a hard limit. Double red flag for punishing her for it by forcing or manipulating the breaking of another hard limit. This has happened to me in the past. I was truly scared of that dom at that point, and equally scared he would just up and abandon me. Never again. Never a-fucking-gain! NEVER. Hold strong. It's hard as hell, but hold strong.

Thoughts? Anything to add?

So, you have a preference for people who are significantly younger or older than you. Awesome! I actually do, too. I'm what is called a "teleiophile." This means that I have a preference for partners who are significantly older than I am. For me, personally, this is not a hard and fast rule, simply a preference. I would consider someone my age. I would consider someone younger than me, though it is less likely.

Recently another term has come into being- the other side of that coin. A "jungophile" is someone who prefers people who are significantly younger than they are. Let's try and keep that to consenting adults please, folks.

Now, there's nothing wrong with this preference, between consenting adults. It doesn't automatically mean someone has daddy issues, or is creepy, or any other such thing. It is a preference. It's OK!

So, I'm going to address a few things here, about age gap relationships. There is is an ongoing issue I see that makes things crappier for everybody, and there is an assumption I see a lot. There are challenges with these sorts of relationships, as well, but they can be well worth it.

First, let's take a look at a very common assumption-

Q: "People who are into someone way younger/older than them are into ageplay, right? They want mommies and daddies or littles or something, yeah?"

A: Not necessarily. Just as not all people into D/s are into pain, and not all people into pain are into D/s, not everyone into age play has an age gap, and not every kinky relationship with an age gap is into age play. Sure, you can find plenty of age gap dynamics that are into age play, but there are also a ton of age gap relationships that have none of that.

Me? I'm an adult, I always think of myself as an adult, and I'm looking to play with an adult. I can be flexible with a partner. I can experiment. Hell, I've had a dom or two get me to call them "daddy" in a scene because they were really into it. But it isn't something I am looking for, and it isn't a kink of mine. I am not looking for a daddy, and I am not looking to roleplay as a little girl. I just love me some silver foxes.

Either type of dynamic is totally OK! It's just best to not assume.

OK. Now to something that is a problem I see online. Hypocrisy, and crappy attitudes. It's about entitlement and not recognizing that other people have just as much of a right to their own preferences as you do to yours.

Look, the more specific your preferences are, the harder it will be to find a partner. That's reality. Wanting someone because they tick off your boxes doesn't mean you tick off theirs. Wanting someone doesn't entitle you to their time, their body, or anything else.

What I see far too much of is someone complaining and wanting to know how they can get people, usually young people, to play with/date/fuck/etc them when they say they are not interested in doing so because of the age gap.

How do you get them to give themselves to you?

YOU DON'T.

I've seen people cry "age discrimination" and then go on to bash the people they want, whist stating that they are unwilling to date people their own age. OK, so listen- you can't have it both ways. If YOU won't date people your own age, you can't demand that OTHER PEOPLE date people your own age. Why do you get to have an age group preference, but other people don't? Because you want them, so you should have them? Nope. It doesn't work that way.

Teleiophiles are not very common. If you insist on only dating teleiophiles who fall into a specific age range, and not dating people your own age or older, your potential dating pool is going to be a lot smaller. You can't force people who are not OK with an age gap to be OK with it.

Don't make it harder for everybody by throwing a fit when a young person only wants to date their own age group, while you refuse to date your own age group. It's pretty simple stuff. Just don't act like you are being personally wronged by other people's preferences. Everyone doesn't exist to please you. Just as it is ok for you to have preferences, it is equally ok for others to have preferences that aren't compatible with you.

Aaaanyway, bit of a rant there, because I've seen that sort of thing over and over again. It won't ever win you any partners, trust me.

All of that being said, I do encourage people to not outright reject someone because of their age. You might find that you are incompatible, sure, but you may be missing out on a great person. I've met great people who had someone very interested in playing with them- until they found out their age. If you really wanna play with someone, maybe don't limit yourself because of a number? But it's totally up to you to decide what boundaries you want to set, and you shouldn't be shamed for that. If you aren't comfortable with a big age gap, especially, that's your call to make, not anyone else's.

There can be some challenges to an age gap relationship:

Your life experiences will be different. Being of different generations, you may have very different perspectives. Politically, you might find that you and your partner are often at odds. Not always, but political leanings do tend to shift from generation to generation.

Pop culture references will often go whizzing over you or your partner's head. My primary might turn to me and say "Travis- YOU'RE A YEAR TOO LATE!" Insert crickets and a blank look from me. Slightly awkward, but nothing insurmountable.

People will judge- more so in vanilla life than the kink world, probably, but still, they will judge. There are a lot of hurtful stereotypes. The lech, the gold digger, the person with mommy or daddy issues, etc, etc. "He's old enough to be your dad!" "He's young enough to be your son!" You'll have to deal with that shit. Your family might not approve. What your friends and family think may be very important to you.

I say, don't let other people's demands and expectations dictate the acceptability of your love for one another. It's hard, but it's hard for a lot of folks like that. Couples that aren't traditional cis/het. Mixed race couples, mixed religion couples, mixed body type couples. Love is unique and beautiful and sacred. Don't break yourself on the altar of other people's expectations. Love is too precious for that.

Finally, the hard part of a good, loving age gap relationship: the grief.

No one knows if they will get hit by a bus tomorrow, this much is true. If you, like me, are seeing someone who is 30 years your senior, chances are much higher that you won't have as long with them as you would with someone your own age. This is hard. This is heartbreaking. This is something I'm dealing with myself right now, as my secondary is dying of cancer. This is something to be aware of, going into a relationship. You will love, and you will lose.

Is it worth it?

For me, it is, absolutely.

So, this goes along with seeing your partner as an actual PERSON, and not a vehicle for your ego gratification.

If your partner says "I don't like that activity. It is unpleasant for me. It is torture for me. It is traumatic for me. It's bad."

This is not a challenge.

This is not a way for you to prove just how amazing you are.

This is not something for you to pump up your ago with.

Believe your partner!

If they say,

"Anal sex is traumatic for me. It doesn't give me pleasure. I hate it. I don't want to do it." Listen to this. Respect this. Respect that boundary. Respect that they know themselves.

If they say,

"Having my clitoris touched is like torture in a bad way. It is an awful feeling. It feels bad. It upsets me. Please don't." Listen to this. Respect this. Don't fucking touch it.

If they say,

"I don't like handjobs. They don't feel good. It grosses me out. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want anyone to touch me there like that," Listen to this. Respect this. They don't wanna date your Laura Palmer or her 5 sisters.

Not everything is about safewords. If a person states their preferences and tells you what they like and don't like, and what they don't want you to do, and you keep doing it constantly, they aren't going to feel respected, and they aren't going to feel safe. They're going to feel like you don't actually care about what is a good or bad experience for them. Don't make their boundaries be about your ego.

I mean, if you negotiate that sort of thing and continue to get enthusiastic consent (as opposed to pressuring and pressuring and stressing them so they feel bad for setting boundaries and standing up for themselves) then hey, you and your partner do what you both want to do. Otherwise, though, fucking listen.

And you know, if there are things your partner says they really love? Things that put them in the right headspace, things that get them off, things that make them happy? Hey, pay attention to that. Try and make it happen if you're comfortable with doing those things. When everyone is having their needs and desires fulfilled, life is good.

Love,

-Ev, who means it when she says "I hate that, don't do it."

Please feel free to apply any gender identity or number of people to this piece of writing. I originally wrote it for a group of mostly female identifying subs into male identifying doms, and that tends to be my orientation as well, but it applies to everyone. :}

So, what are the signs that you are dealing with a good dominant?

There are many kinds of dynamics out there, and what might OUTWARDLY look healthy or unhealthy might not always be the case. When you are involved yourself, you need to decide what works for you in a healthy fashion.

1. He listens to you and respects you. He gives you a space to express yourself honestly about how you feel, how the dynamic is working for you, what isn't working, what's good and what isn't good. If you tell him something is a hard limit, he doesn't cross it. If something you normally do isn't ok for whatever reason that day, he respects it. Unless you have negotiated otherwise, he gives you time to ask for things, without shutting you down or attacking you for expressing yourself. He encourages and supports you in expressing your wants and needs, and actively letting him know what is good and what feels harmful to you. He recognizes that you know yourself in ways he can't, because no matter how good of a dom he is, he hasn't lived your life as you, and he cannot really see inside of your head, even if he's amazing at reading you.

2. Even if you are engaging in thrilling, edgy, "scary," play, he consistently shows that you are safe with him. He proves, through consistent actions and attitude, that he is safe to be with, and to let go with. You feel secure with him, in a good way.

3. He makes sure he knows what your health issues are. He makes sure he knows what your triggers are, if you have any past trauma. If you hit an unexpected landmine together, he does his best to not take it personally, and instead works to make sure you feel safe and ok. He will give you whatever care you need, and talk it out with you. He may even be willing to try to work through the trauma with you, if you both want to, but he also will recognize that he isn't a licensed therapist. Unless, ya know, he actually is. He takes these things seriously.

4. He encourages you in pursuing your own passions, in making your life better, in being a happy, healthy, empowered person. He doesn't try to take over every aspect of your life unless you want him to. He recognizes that you are a whole human being, and that things in your life that do not involve him are also important. He makes sure you have time for your hobbies, for your friends and your family, and he doesn't begrudge these things. Being with him makes your world bigger, not smaller.

5. He admits when he doesn't know something. He is confident, not arrogant. He doesn't pretend to be good at something he has no skill, experience, or training in, especially when trying it could endanger you, or him.

6. He takes the time to learn how to do the things you agree to do together, so that they are done well, and safely. Your well-being is important to him.

7. He also strives for balance in his own life. He takes care of himself well enough. He works hard at having his shit pretty much together. Nobody is perfect. He might be poor, he might be well-off, he might be healthy or he might have chronic illness or a disability, but he isn't living a life of perpetual self-fulfilling prophecies of victimhood. He takes personal responsibility for the things he does and doesn't do. He can take care of things in his own life, which gives you confidence that he can take care of you to the degree that the two of you agree to. This includes accepting help when he needs it- that is an important aspect of self-care.

8. When he fucks up- and he will- he takes responsibility for his part. He works to make things right. He works to not fuck up like that again. He seeks to learn from his mistakes, grow from them, and do better. He expects the same from you, and has compassion for himself as well as you for fuckups.

9. He is willing and able to set boundaries for himself, for his own safety, and for your safety as well. Up to and including ending a relationship which has been toxic, in the healthiest way possible. He not only recognizes that you are a complete human being, but that he is, as well.

10. He really works to learn you, find out what puts you into subspace, what really works, what turns you on if you have that kind of dynamic. He doesn't assume that because he is Lord Master Domlypants the III, that he knows you better than yourself. He recognizes that what works for each submissive is different. That every dynamic is different. That what works in that dynamic may shift from day to day. Hormone cycles, health, external stimulation and life situations, all of these make a difference in how play will go, what what will work and not work. He is flexible, always willing to learn.

11. He checks in regularly. Out of scene, and in scene. This doesn't mean he has to break the scene, bring everything to a halt, pull you out of subspace. He checks in, though. Finds out where you are at. Makes sure things are ok. Makes sure both of your needs are being met. When they aren't, it can cause resentment to build over time. He makes sure that you and he are on the same page as far as expectations are concerned.

12. He's good to the people around him. He treats service industry workers with respect. He shows empathy and compassion, even if in scene he is a big nasty mean scary sadist because that's what you both love and crave.

13. He is consistent. Even if you both love him keeping you on your toes, it's done in a way that is ultimately healthy and confidence-boosting. You know you will be safe. You know you can trust him. Consequences and punishments, if they are there, are not going to cause you lasting harm. This goes along with that whole building trust thing. Once you are deeply involved, he continues to be trustworthy. He continues to be respectful. He continues to be a positive force in your life. He continues to make your world bigger. You might do scary stuff, but he doesn't terrify you. You continue to feel safe to let him know if something is wrong, and let him know when something's great, too. You continue to find more joy than bad, by far. His true colors are what he first showed you, only deeper, more vibrant and bright and beautiful.

14. When you think of him, you don't find yourself making a bunch of excuses for his bad behavior. You don't cringe internally and feel like you are walking on eggshells. Instead, you get a nice warm feeling. Joy. Peace. A thrill. But good stuff. Happy stuff. You feel fulfilled. You feel safe. You feel excited. All kinds of things... but the good vastly outweighs the bad.

15. If he is in the community, he has earned the respect of at least most of the people there. Interpersonal conflicts can happen, yeah. But he has earned respect and trust by his actions, not with just charisma, or a cool house he throws fun parties at, or because he looks hot. There aren't a bunch of people saying "you really have to watch out for that guy. He's not ok." He's able and willing, if he isn't brand new to the scene, to provide references. He doesn't get pissy at you about asking around about him. He thinks it's a great idea, in fact!

16. He supports you in taking whatever safety precautions you see fit, and encourages you in it. He may even ask, in the beginning, "does someone know where you are going? Have you set up a safe call? Please do so, it'll make us both feel safer, and your safety and feeling ok is important to me."

17. If you are bound, he checks your circulation regularly. If you are being flogged, he's careful of your aim, and if he's hitting a bad spot, he takes your feedback seriously and adjusts accordingly. If you cry, he makes sure it's a good thing.

18. He doesn't punish you for having emotions. He is supportive. He might work to help you to do better, to get through things, to grow stronger, but he is TRULY doing so, not bullying you into shutting down and disassociating.

19. Bad scenes can happen, but for the most part, you look back at your play together and think, "damn, that was amazing. That was awesome. I loved that. That made me happy. I'm gonna be thinking about that one for a while." He makes you want to please him, and you know he'll also want you to be happy and fulfilled- and he shows it by making that happen, too!

20. If he says or does something that upsets you, he works to see it from your perspective as well, instead of instantly going on the defensive and attacking you for reacting poorly. Maybe it came off wrong, maybe he didn't do anything wrong, or maybe what he said or did was offensive or hurtful in a way he didn't consider, but he chooses to work it out. Of course, this means that you must also do the same for him!

Hello fellow kinky folks,

Today I'm going to talk a bit about AFTERCARE.

What is aftercare?

Aftercare is everything you do after a session to make sure everyone comes back down to earth and is doing okay. This often doesn't only mean a bit of time right after the scene has ended, either!

So, quite often, a BDSM session, or scene, or whatever you want to call it, can be intense in some fashion. It often leads to an altered headspace. Your brain is releasing all kinds of happy chemicals. You might have an adrenaline rush, you might get an endorphin rush, you might just find yourself in a state of mind that isn't where you are normally at.

This is something that doesn't just happen to bottoms and subs. There is subspace, yeah, but there's also topspace. You're creating a state of being that is separate from the everyday vanilla state you are in. Even if you are in a TPE, 24/7 dynamic, there are periods of downtime, and periods of intensity.

Sometimes your scene goes well.

Sometimes it doesn't.

Sometimes it spectacularly fails.

Sometimes it's absolutely amazing!

Sometimes shit comes up a couple of days or even a week after the session.

Now, there are certainly people out there, tops and bottoms (dommes and subs, etc, etc, etc) who feel no need for aftercare, or refuse to give it. This is something that you need to inform your partner of before you play, so they can decide if you are compatible or not, or arrange aftercare from someone else, if needed.

For the most part, however, aftercare is a good and healthy thing for everybody. Whether things went great or not, unless it's been specifically negotiated otherwise, I firmly believe that it is the responsibility of people who play to make sure their partner is ok. Does this responsibility fall a little more on the dominant side when it comes to D/s? Yeah, maybe. But you know what, it's still a good idea to check in, even if you were the sub.

Again, this comes down to working out and communicating expectations with your partner.

So, you've finished the scene. If you're in a public dungeon or the like, you've done some cleaning up, I hope. If you're at home, you've taken care of whatever needs immediate attention. Now what?

Well, now's when you can work on coming down from the scene in a healthy, nurturing, supportive fashion for everyone.

People's needs really vary. If you've been playing a while, you probably know what your needs are after a scene, top or bottom. Please let your partner know ahead of time! If you haven't figured that out, well, here's some things that are usually a good idea.

1. Hydrate! Have some water. this will help ground you, and it'll help replace whatever you were sweating out. It'll help bring you back to reality and steady you.

2. Some people need something to eat after a scene, especially people with blood sugar issues. Me, I really love some protein after. No, I don't mean your cum. (hey, for some people, sex IS a part of the aftercare, and I'm not knocking that.) Other people might want something sweet, or something carby.

3. If the playspace is cold, after a little while, that sweat will dry and the adrenaline will go away. A nice blanket to wrap yourself and/or your partner in is a great idea.

4. Cuddling. This is often really great. Soothing, caring, helping your partner feel safe. It helps you bond. Lets them know that things are going to be ok, that they are safe.

5. Communicating. Some people want to go over the scene, what they loved, what they didn't love. If something went wrong, they might need to talk it out. If something was awesome, or if it didn't really work for them, they might want to discuss that, too.

Other people need to ground themselves by chatting about other stuff. Coming back to reality, establishing a headspace that is their "normal." This is also all bonding.

6. Reassurance. Some people need it way more than others. Depending on the needs of the people playing, and the type of scene they've done. Letting them know it's all ok, and that you are there for them.

7. Caretaking. Maybe you give each other a massage, or maybe helping each other with cleaning up can actually be a part of the aftercare. A warm, damp cloth that you wipe your partner down with can be really nice, especially if things have got a bit sticky.

8. This is mostly for the tops/doms/etc, but depending on the needs of your partner, can apply to subs and the like too- Check their vitals, if you know how. Is their pusle strong and steady? Respiration rate? Can they focus their eyes on you? Can they speak normally? Can they answer questions clearly? Do they have presence of mind? Medically, are they ok?

9.. Making sure that your partner is "sober" and able to get home safely. Morphine mimics the effects of endorphins. A person can be really wobbly and unfocused after a scene, or just physically worn out. If they aren't ready to leave because they aren't steady enough yet, don't chase them out. Let them stay until they are back to normal, or take them home. Maybe walk them to their car, if they are able to go home. Hell, let them spend the night, if needed. Don't send someone out into the world high, and we can for sure get high on our own brain chemistry.

OK! So! Scene over. Aftercare done. Right?

Not so fast.

If it's super casual pickup play and after you both agree that you don't need to be in contact, and even better, you agree on that BEFORE playing too, then you are probably done, though I never really like this option.

To me, this next part is actually VERY IMPORTANT.

CHECK IN.

Check in the next day. Ask your partner how they are doing. Listen to them, and if they need to talk it out more, or need some reasonable level of additional aftercare, provide it. If your partner checks on you, CHECK ON THEM BACK. If they ask how you are doing, after you answer, ask THEM how they are doing.

If it was really intense, or something went sideways, check in a few days to a week after that, too. Be prepared to provide support.

What we do is intense, heavy, deep shit, people. It can dredge up repressed memories. It can drag things out of our psyche we didn't know were there. Sometimes, physical harm doesn't immediately make itself known. The same goes for emotional harm. Sometimes people need reassurance after the fact.

After you have had a major high, you can also come down and have a major low. Subdrop is a thing. So is topdrop. Sometimes people get depressive after a scene. Sometimes they don't. This isn't something that happens to everyone, but it happens more than people realize, I think.

Stay in touch. Communicate. Even if things didn't go your way. Unless they have asked you to NOT contact them, communicate.

Remember, even if you are roleplaying something specific and self-centered in scene, it isn't all about you. You are dealing with another human being, with all those inconvenient emotions, flaws, needs, and desires, and they matter just as much as you do.

Be good to one another. Support one another. It's vital.

Play safe, and find your joy!

Ya know what?

If you are short? I'm totally ok with that!

If you are chubby,

Balding,

Over 50,

Working a low-wage job,

You know what? I don't mind at all!

That doesn't make you any less of a Dom.

Any less worthy of being considered, valued, cherished, seen.

Being older doesn't make you a creeper. We all get older.

Not looking like some romance novel character doesn't make you less sexy. Sexy takes many shapes. I can be genuinely attracted to a wide range of body types, and so can many others, if they will be honest with themselves.

Being any of the above doesn't mean someone is going to "have to settle" for you.

A specific aesthetic is not what makes a great Dom.

A specific income bracket is not what makes a great Dom.

A specific age group is not what makes a great Dom.

Yeah, people have preferences, sure. But maybe we should all give different people a try, because long term attraction and love depend so much more on compatibility of the mind and soul.

I see you, doms who feel invisible.

Love,

-an invisible sub