Ev's kink corner

If you only want to do something when you're drunk, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

Also, you probably shouldn't be drinking, if you are using alcohol to get yourself to do stuff. 

That goes doubly... naw, quadruply, when it involves BDSM or anything else where being impaired can be extremely dangerous for you, your partner, or both.

And me? I'm not going to be turned on or tempted when you only try to hook up with me when you're drunk. Hell no, I respect myself. I have standards. I give myself to people who desire me for me, not people who decide I'm an ok option after they've knocked back 5 shots. I'm valuable. I'm not going to enganger myself, physically or emotionally. 

Play safe. Play sober. 

OK, I think I'm done playing nice.

Any so-called "dom" who doesn't bother to even read my profile or respect the limits I state there is getting slashed with my verbal talons. 

Without respecting limits, you're nothing but a mope in my eyes. 

It's like real life. The last dude to assault me in a dungeon got a solid kick to the chest. (I was in a sling, and his chest was what I could reach with my ankles chained. The fucker was lucky I couldn't chamber my leg very far. He was dubbed "turtle wanker" and banned for life from Citadel.)

Act like Turtle Wanker online, and you'll get a verbal kick, and a block, and be lucky it wasn't in person. 

OK, time for some real talk, y'all. 

I know some of you have mostly just read BDSM fiction, or bad twilight fanfic romanticising abuse (*cough* 50 shades *cough*) but I'm going to tell you about "real" subs, now.

Real subs are people who are, in some aspect of their life, in a kink context, submissive. That's it. That's what makes someone a real sub- they're submissive. 

Anybody who is trying to sell you on how a "twoo" sub only acts, looks, speaks, etc a certain way is full of it. They are living in ego-driven fantasyland. Other people aren't real to them, not really. They want perfect projections of their desires, and they want to shame and punish anyone who doesn't please them, personally, in that way. Same goes for discussions of "twoo" dominants. 

I mean, there are scammers and people who pretend to be into the lifestyle because they think it'll get them money or an easy lay. But that's not what we're really discussing here. What I'm talking about is people who claim that everyone around them is fake, doesn't know what they are doing, isn't Doing It Right(tm,) etc. These people are insecure, or lack the self-awareness to realize that other people are just as real as they are. They feel as much. Their desires are as valid. Ther personalities are as valid. What they want and how they are oriented, while different from what these people want, is just as valid. 

These people might try to sell you on this whole idea, and that's kind of a means of isolating you, really. "don't trust these other people, don't play with them, don't communicate with them, only me." Scared of competition, maybe, or just such a fundamentalist that they cannot comprehend spectrums and variety in the lifestyle being OK. 

This ALSO isn't about predators, whom we should absolutely warn one another about, and remove from our communities as well. This is about expecting and demanding subs (and doms, and switches, and kinky folks, etc) to only exhibit very specific personality traits at all times, and only behave in certain ways at all times.

So, all of that being said, here's the stereotype that irritates the shit out of me-

The low self-esteem mousy poster child for abuse with a personality like wet corrugated cardboard submissive stereotype. See, "50 shades." 

Lemme clue you in on something- a hell of a lot of subs are high-power, in control people in other aspects of their lives. Certainly not all, but I'd say easily more than half are people who are often in control, in charge, and who have a lot of responsibilities. For many submissives, their time in d/s land is when they can rest, let go, drop their walls, and let somebody else be in charge for a while. 

So please, understand.

*A submissive can be confident.
*A submissive can be assertive.
*A submissive can be an agressive person.
*A submissive can be intelligent.
*A submissive can be brave.
*A submissive can be strong.

*A submissive can be tall, athletic, slender, curvy, short, all of those things.
*A submissive can be a law enforcement officer, a district attorney, a politician, a CEO, a lawyer, a surgeon, a soldier, or any other profession. Goodness knows I had plenty of the above as clients when I was a pro domme.

*A submissive can be wealthy or poor or anything in between.

*A submissive can be able-bodied or disabled.

*A submissive can be any age, race, gender, religion, etc, etc.

OK, so actually, I am going to talk a bit about dom stereotypes, too.

*A dom can be an introvert in many aspects of their life.
*A dom can be a sensitive person.

*A dom can be shy. Things can change just as drastically in a scene with a dom as they can with a sub.
*A dom can be physically weak. 

*A dom can work in the service industry, in a low-powered job, in a position where they are in charge of no one and others are in charge of them.
*A dom can be poor or wealthy or anything in between.
*A dom can be able-bodied or disabled.

*A dom can be any age, race, gender, religion, etc, etc.
*A dom can be gentle-natured, soft-spoken, and nonconfrontational.
*A dom can have any body type.

So when people tell me, "oh, you can't be a sub! You don't act like one," I can only think, "the fuck are you talking about?" The way I submit to those I choose to submit to, the way I interact with them, can be completely different from the way I interact with other people. I carry myself like a fighter, because that is what I am. I am social. I have strong opinions, which I express. I am very much a protector, and I enjoy teaching, mostly teaching other adults. I'm the one who kicks known predators out of the munch. 

I'm not alone, either. In my local community, most of the subs are confident, strong-willed people. Whole people. People who know who they are and what they want in life. People who also take great joy in submission, in pleasing another, in power exchange and in willingly giving up control to a partner that they have given their consent to. We tell jokes, we laugh, we have fun. We are capable adults, fully able to be grown-ups in other aspects of our lives. Even the age-players. And those of us who are disabled and need an in-home caregiver? Those subs aren't passionless, mindless doormats, either. We are people, worthy of consideration and respect. It isn't up to you, rando person in the lifestyle that doesn't own us, to dictact who and what we are, or how we should behave. 

Same goes for doms. There are people who are good at it and not so good at it, there are people who are more or less compatible with YOU, but someone doesn't have to act like they are freakin' Conan the Barbarian to "prove" that they are a dominant. They can be a quiet mostly shy geek. When they are in a scene with their partner, and they are in domspace, they may be entirely different- and hell, there are dynamics where quiet, mostly shy geek dom works GREAT for their sub. 

So, ya know. Come off it. Don't assume somebody is or isn't what they say they are just because they aren't a stereotype from bad BDSM erotica. 

My mother was, among other things, an English major. She instilled in me a love of language. I became an avid reader quite young.

Now, many of you have likely come across the "slashyspeak" phenomenon online. Some of you practice it. You do you! That's ok. It's a quirky bit of online protocol, and everyone's preferences are their own on that account. It hurts no one! 

Except, it does hurt my head just a tiiiiny bit, because when someone types out "hey A/all, how are Y/you doing today?"

In my head, it reads as a stutter.

So it sounds, in my head, like "hey a-all, how are y-you doing today?"

Am I the only one who parses it like that?

Ya know, I'm finding that all these dudes messaging me who won't accept or respect my boundaries are great practice for firmly saying "no."

*insert cheesy 1950s educational film narrator voice here*

Meet Billy, an average swell guy who has some kinky fantasies he wants to experience. Well, don't we all. Hello there, little Billy!

Billy here has discovered an ONLINE KINK FORUM, and he wants to pick up a spiffy girl to be his play partner. Golly, how's he gonna do that?

Why, he just might be able to meet one if he SENDS A MESSAGE!

But wait, Billy, not so fast!

See, if you just send a message that says "hey," or "sup," or "how are u," you're probably not going to get to meet that girl. Why is that, Billy? What did you say? She must be frigid?

No, Billy, no. It's not that she doesn't want to have hot, carnal, kinky, sweaty fun with anyone. It's that she doesn't want to have it with YOU. Wanna know why?

She doesn't want to have it with YOU because you've shown absolutely no effort, and expressed no personality. There's nothing for her to work with. You're reaching out to her, and expecting her to do all the work leading a conversation. No, Billy, no! You need to give her a REASON to want to talk to you. Let's try again, ok guy?

OH NO Billy, you are typing "I want to suck ur titties, whore." Oh, Billy, what would happen if you went up to Marsha Hendersen out in front of the ice cream shoppe and said that thing? You'd get a knee to the jimmy, that's what!

Don't be a crass, gross, disrespectful motherfucker, Billy.

You see, even if Marsha does want to be tied up and called a whore whilst getting them titties sucked on, she won't want YOU to do it with that approach.

Billy, if you want to meet a partner, you've got be respectful and interesting. You've got to show respect, put your best foot forward, and give her a reason to like and trust you!

Let me help you out here a little, tiger! Instead of a no-effort short message that gives no indication as to your intentions or personality, try writing a polite introduction like a grown-ass adult. Introduce yourself. Start with your name, even if it is your screen name- but don't ask her to call you "Master" or "Sir" or "slavey mc-ass-slave." Titles are negotiated, agreed-upon things. They involve CONSENT. You know, that thing that is vital in the lifestyle? Yeah! That thing!
Tell her a little bit about yourself. How long have you been in the lifestyle. What you do for a living. What your hobbies and interests are. What you liked about her profile.

What's that? You didn't READ HER PROFILE before you went to message her? OH NO, bad Billy, bad!

See, you might see Marsha's photo and think she is awfully swell, but if you are a daddy dom looking for a baby girl, you're gonna want to read her profile. Oh dear, looks like Marsha is a massive strap-on loving femdomme who enjoys giving extreme CBT! Also, she's married and not looking for partners. You almost made a real ass out of yourself there, Billy. That wouldn't have been fun, would it?

See, profiles usually have pretty important information in them. Who the person your are looking at the name or photo of is. Where they live. Their relationship status. What they are looking for. If their profile doesn't have this information, then respectfully ask!

No, don't ask her how many fingers she enjoyes rammed up her wahoo. That's not an appropriate introductory question, Billy, come on now!

Let's look at Phoebe's profile over here. Golly, she seems nice! She's local to you, and looking for in person play instead of online, just like you! But is she monogamous or poly? Is she a sub or a domme? She doesn't say, but she does like photography and sock hops, just like you. She even enjoys the Gutters of Gorgemghast series, so you have some stuff in common. You've never heard of Lexx though, what kind of show is that?

Here, let me write a little letter for you to send to Phoebe, so you can see how it works!

"Good evening Phoebe,
My name is Billy! I hope you are having a good day.
I came across your profile tonight, and I noticed that we live in the same area. That's afwul swell!

Say, I noticed that you are into photography and sock hops. Me too! You have excellent taste in reading, too. I've never heard of Lexx, can you tell me about it, if you don't mind? What's the last photography project you did?
Hey, so it looks like you are seeking a real life play partner. Awesome, me too! I'm a monogamous sub. How about you?
Please feel free to check out my profile. Would you like to chat a bit on here, maybe get to know each other a bit?
Thank you so much for your time,
-Billy.

You see, Billy, this letter is polite, it's respectful, and it doesn't sound like a wankpuffin rolled his face on his keyboard because he was too busy jacking off to use his hands. Pretty charming! It acknowledges Phoebe as a human being, and shows that you made an effort to read her profile and write her an actual personal letter instead of copying and pasting a form letter, spewing vile stuff at a nonconsenting person like a meth addicted sex offender, or being the laziest, most boring lump of flesh that ever wasted oxygen! It opens up a number of conversation topics, and asks for ACTIVE CONSENT to engage in some interaction. It isn't pressuring her to jump on Skype so you can whack off/select your next murder target. It is interesting. It shows a willingness to connect as a person, and a desire to learn new things. Super!

So go on ahead, little Billy. Fill out your profile, write a nice introduction, and have a respectful conversation like an adult. And remember, if you have to announce that you are a supremely confident super cool TWOO DOM, you probably are actually really insecure. So, you know. Just be chill, be polite. Intensity, perversity, deep connection, and fun, all come with building trust, communicating effectively, expressing mutual respect, and establishing CONSENT.

Now, go on out there and give it a shot, Billy. Remember, if she says no to something, RESPECT HER BOUNDARIES, and have fun!

*This public service video is brought to you by EvCo! Please feel free to apply any gender identities or orientations you wish to this advice, and stay safe out there!*

Look,
I'm sure some people want to just use some other messaging app because it's more convenient, but honestly, like 95% of the time, someone who demands kik, skype, hangouts, whatsapp, or whatever, are angling for one of two things:

1. A quick wank at my expense
2. A scam.


The one time I humored someone and installed kik, they immediately tried to rope me into a money laundering scam.

Really!

I have no reason to give random strangers immediate access to me via some other chat program. All these low effort motherfuckers who cannot even carry on a normal conversation on here aren't going to suddenly improve because they are saying "hey what's up" on kik instead of on a kink site mail system. 

What possible motivation could I have for chatting with you in another app when you have displayed  zero personality and given me no reason to be interested in talking to you? 

I swear, sometimes it is actually hard to tell the difference between a bot and someone who is just really bad at humaning, or at least, someone who can't be bothered to even TRY to socialize like a normal person. 

So yeah, I have chat apps.

No, unless we have got to know each other a bit, I'm sure as hell not connecting to you on them, rando.

Last night, after Thai food, and watching some silly videos, my beloved Master took me.

Such a joy it is to let go, to feel his hands on my body, his strong arm around my neck, his hips slamming agianst me.

The ways he got me turned on, building and building, were so good and intense, that I was cumming the whole time he fucked me. So good, so damned good, and after, we laid together in my vast bed, limbs tangled together, sweat commingling, his breath in my hair, his scent in my nostrils.

I am so very blessed to have Ashigeru. 

Good gods people. If someone isn't your partner and they haven't consented,don't fuckin' call them shit like,

"slavegirl" 
"slut"
"boy"
"babygirl"
"little one"
"mistress" 

Etc, etc, etc. It's presumptuous, and it's trying to place them into a position in your life that they didn't agree to. It's not impressive. It doesn't prove your dominance or submission. It's pushy and rude. 

STAHHHHHP

This is something I need to keep in mind, too, because it's something I struggled with in the past.

Submissives, you have power, too.

You choose to give power to those whom you consent to submit to, but you can say no. You can revoke consent. You can even stop that TPE relationship. No contract from our lifestyle that says otherwise is legally binding.

Remember this. Remember. You have the right, and you ARE right, to say no to something that will truly harm you. To say no to something you don't want to do, that will make you feel bad about yourself, that will dredge up old trauma, that will hurt you in a bad way.

Yes, even if your dominant is pushing for it.

Yes, even if you are afraid they will be upset with you if you stand up for yourself and assert those boundaries.

A good dominant will accept "I don't want to do this, I am not comfortable, I am not ready, this is a hard limit," even if it wasn't a hard limit before. Even if it might not be in the future.

A good dominant will respect you, just as you, as a good submissive, will respect them.

You need to use your words. You need to use your rights. You need to protect yourself. Your dominant cannot really read your mind. If they are a good dominant, they will not want to harm you. They will not want to make you feel like shit. They will not want you to be injured. They will not want you to fall down the rabbit hole of endless flashbacks, if you have PTSD.

They won't push. They won't threaten to leave you just because you set a boundary. They won't frighten and bully you into saying yes to something you don't feel okay with.

If they do, then you have the power to walk away. It's so goddamned hard to sometimes, but you know what?

Not all that yields is weak.

Remember that, from Kushiel's Dart?

Not all that yields is weak.

You have the right and the power to change your mind. Where you are at, and what is healthy or unhealthy for you, can change from day to day.

You need to let them know where you are at. You need to let them know if something would likely cause harm, even if, on another day, it wouldn't.

You need to let them know, if you can, before something becomes harmful. Before it poisons the relationship. Before it ends up harming you both.

This all seems so simple. It all seems so obvious. But it gets exponentially harder when you are in that submissive headspace. When you have been conditioned to submit. When you are overcome with the urge to please, the desire to take everything they want to dish out, for them. When "I'm very disappointed right now" is just so devastating. When you get caught up, and the endorphins start to flood just from talking to them. Just from thinking about them.

You still can say no. You can. Push yourself to, if you need to. Value yourself. By valuing yourself, you value your partner. By protecting yourself, you are respecting your dominant, because you are respecting what is theirs. You are taking proper care of what is theirs.

We have, in this lifestyle, a covenant of trust. It goes both ways. We submissives need to trust that our dominants will keep us safe and not trample our boundaries. Our dominants need to trust that we will let them know when something's not ok, and not hide things that will cause harm to us, them, and maybe their reputation, as well.

Even though it's hard as hell.

You CAN say no. Even if, in the past, you negotiated that away. Life changes. Things change. You might change. Circumstances might change. You can still say no.

And sometimes, you should.