Emotional Domination

 

3/25/2020

There were times in the past where I believed that the only way I would feel whole was to have a partner. I felt lost without someone in my life. I would feel empty. Like I was adrift and didn’t matter.

I have personally come to realize that is a trauma response. Born from others in my past continually reminding me that I wasn’t enough. In their eyes I never measured up. I failed to always be what they needed me to be. Regardless of what I did, how much I gave. I was never enough for everyone in my past. This caused me to work harder. Strive to be more. Only, with an unhealthy motivation. It wasn’t for me. It was to please others. It was to be seen as “perfect” in another’s eyes. Which, as I just mentioned, never was going to happen. So the circle continued over and over. I was never enough. No matter what. So I’ll work harder, give more but it wasn’t ever enough.

I created this “fantasy” where I would be whole, complete with the “right” partner. I would believe that I caught glimpses of it in a partner every now and then. When someone would say I did something well. When a partner would encourage me with praise. I would feel “close” to enough. But never quite fully. I couldn’t ever believe my partners. Mostly because they would in the next breath rip the rug out from underneath me and say I should have been watching where I was standing. Nevertheless, I convinced myself there were “pieces” of feeling complete with them that would justify my continued relationship with them. I was living off of crumbs. Accepting less than I deserved yes. But, because that’s at the time what I felt I deserved.

When I encountered a HORRIBLE slave who lied to me repeatedly, built me up over and over and over again only to discover it was all false. But, just true enough for me to question whether it was really a lie. I wanted desperately to believe in her. I thought surely she was made for me for a million reasons that I discovered much later just played on my ego. I began questioning why I attracted such partners. I just wanted to belong. To feel received and accepted. I just wanted to feel whole. Completed by my partner.

IT WAS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN FROM AN EXTERNAL SOURCE. NO ONE CAN MAKE US COMPLETE.

After a tumultous 6 month period where I called it off and she ended up talking me back into a relationship (I am such a forgiving person), only to have it be worse than the first go round. I stopped.

I literally walked away from everything and everyone. I hid. From myself even.

I needed a break. To question why. To discover what was happening.

I spent a fair amount of time realizing I didn’t feel complete within myself no matter what. I didn’t feel whole. I felt I was lacking. That was certainly reinforced by every partner, parent, significant other in my life up to that point. Every piece within me began to rebel at the idea that I couldn’t be complete. It is fair to say that even today I have moments where I can struggle with it still.

Yes. Big bad dominant doesn’t always feel very whole. Where I feel unworthy or I doubt my value.

You know what?

That’s ok.

I discovered in my solitude that everyone was trying to make me fit into a box I couldn’t possibly fit into. And, I was allowing them. Often, I was helping them. Trying to be something that I wasn’t.......what they wanted to define me as. Believing that others’ would give me the answer to who I was. Surely the person closest to me, whom I trust the most wouldn’t deceive me right? Surely they would help me feel whole. They would see me and fulfill all of those “needs” within me that I couldn’t even see.

The reality is........what ANYONE sees is through their lens. It’s not right or wrong, but it’s theirs. NOT anyone elses’. Absolutely not mine.

What I saw through everyone else’s lens was a man that wasn’t enough. A boy that couldn’t be loved unless he was this....A child that was ignored and shown patterns of unhealthy loving that he took to mean as honest. Because I have been naive, I have believed all of these truths. Because I just wanted to belong I accepted what wasn’t sincere.

I am complete by just who I am today. Oh, I have personally so far to go. Anyone else’s view of that though is NOT accurate. They aren’t me. They don’t walk my path.

I am whole because I am alive. Breathing still. Speaking, living, laughing, loving imperfectly into my collective.

I didn’t see my own value. I was making it tied to others opinions or views of me. Specifically, my partners. Along the way, I was damaging the relationship. Because I would never feel like enough. They would never make me feel like enough. No matter what they ever would have said or how they would have expressed it to me I was lost in believing it was going to come from them, yet, they never knew me enough for it to be real.

Why?

Because I didn’t notice this truth about myself. People had convinced me that I NEEDED another person to be whole. My partners’ especially, this was just to maintain control. Just to “keep” me beholden to the striving to be “better” for them. It trapped me into believing I needed to “earn” their love. Of course, my partners’ of the past were all too happy to keep me here. They benefitted from my striving. When I would question why I wasn’t being met, why there wasn’t honest reciprocation, or worse, there was ridicule, belittling, emasculation I was told I was crazy. Made to feel like, “How dare I question my partner?!?!!?” All the while not realizing that any person that marginalizes your feelings, discounts them or discredits them is selfish. Out for all that they can get from you. Believing, YOU will make THEM whole.

No amount of “love” poured out from any other person will ever cause you to feel like you’re complete if you firstly don’t accept and love yourself. Knowing you’re valuable, have worth, have needs and wants that are perfectly acceptable to be received is what makes you feel whole. It comes from within. If it doesn’t, you’ll always be searching. No one will measure up. No one can fill a void they can’t see or understand. No one can meet and give you what you desire when you don’t understand it yourself. When we see we are whole, complete APART from anyone else, we begin to see those very things that matter to us. Those needs, passions, desires, wants and thoughts that we have long since set aside for “fear” they are too much. Or we are being too selfish. Again, lies told to us by those who should have kept us safe. Who should have showed us how to love ourselves in a rewarding and practical way.

We are “too damaged” when we can’t love ourselves enough to accept our imperfections. We are allowed to be scared. We are allowed to have panic. We are allowed to doubt. We are allowed to expect others to be trustworthy and earn our trust. We are NOT allowed to use any allowance as a reason why others’ don’t measure up. The only reason we often resort to such thinking is because we don’t measure up in our own eyes. We transfer that pain to others. When we realign our thoughts to accept ourselves, we begin to accept others as they are too.

We begin to heal from our pain. And while we will NEVER be perfect, we will discover we can be perfectly ok with our imperfections as we give ourselves grace to grow.

Today, we can be whole. Wholly us. Wholly imperfect. And still, deserving of care. Still worthy of grace.

But first, we must extend it to ourselves. Then, and only then, will we realize and be able to receive anothers’ acceptance of who we are. And, we will be able to enforce our boundaries when others’ aren’t so accepting. We will discover the balance of being healthy. Practical. Honest. Complete in as much as possible today.

YOU are allowed to be in a place that you struggle.

YOU are allowed to feel deeply, pain, anger, rage, hurt, loss, confusion, doubt, fear.

YOU are allowed to get it wrong.

YOU are allowed to be too much in others’ eyes.

YOU are allowed to be not enough in others’ eyes.

YOU are allowed to want more.

YOU are allowed to need something else.

YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT GETS TO DEFINE WHO YOU ARE.

You are NOT allowed to let society, the past, your current partner, the news, the Cage, the lifestyle tell you how important you are and what you need to be. THAT IS YOURS.

Give yourself grace. Love on yourself. There are SOOOOO many people and pressures around us too willing to paint us into a box that we can never fit into. Of all of those pressures don’t be one of them. Certainly you deserve better from yourself.

I truly hope and pray diligently that you find your own voice and strength today.

 

 

Namaste

 

 

 

Drago and Amethyst

 

A question I ask every s type I am considering,

”Tell me your greatest fear.”

Why? Because I want to know EXACTLY what they think they’re afraid of. What moves them to be scared? How much will I get to navigate of this fear, if at all? I begin very early on with this question. I make them take a while to answer too. I don’t want an off the top of the head answer per se. I have found that most s types have an idea of what they fear but often lack the inner wisdom to readily answer without dwelling on it.

For Amethyst it was exposing herself emotionally. This gave me a huge insight into how much I am going to get to hold a space for her emotionally.

Why is this important? Because if I hope to nurture her submission, if I hope to bring out the best in her, I am going to have to hold a space for her when she doesn’t want me to see her. When she wants to run and hide I am going to have to be extra patient. Diligent. Consistent. I am going to get the opportunity to show up and battle side by side with her in her fear.

Did you see that? I did NOT say I have to wrestle her fear for her. Nor do I or can I quiet them for her. She alone gets to decide whether she will allow me to speak into those moments of fear, or comfort her and she can receive that as a quietening if she chooses. But I don’t get to just up and decide if my care will quiet those fears or not. I can only be mindful of learning what she needs and offering it to her as she needs it, as she allows. She decides if I can be trusted. Even my care, my words. SHE decides to believe the merit in them or not. The ONLY thing I can do is show up. Consistently. Honestly. Patiently. THIS will show whether I am honest. If I am trustworthy. That I don't just arbitrarily decide to 'command' she submit to receiving me. Rather that I simply love her. And more than say it, I live it.

This requires an immense amount of learning her. I have spent hours upon hours listening to stories of her past hurts. I have discovered pains, regrets, doubts and walked with her through moments when she felt so scared she wasn’t sure she was ever going to trust anyone let alone me. You know what fear does? It makes a captive out of the individual that holds it. She wasn’t able to trust me because she couldn’t trust herself with the fear she held. She still has moments of wrestling with this. Oh, she’s learned that I am here and will never see her less than or judge her as wrong or damaged because she’s scared or in pain. But, that doesn’t change the fear that lies to her and wants her to continue to be held captive to those lies. She, like sooooooooooo many other people have been put down because of her emotions. Told her emotions were too bothersome. Told she shouldn’t feel so deeply, she should just ‘let it go’. Told she didn’t need to be so ‘dramatic’. Told that she shouldn’t take things so personal. On and on and on the put downs of her emotional outreach would continue most of her life. Like most, when we hear that on repeat, we begin to believe that it is the truth. It must be. Our emotions are too much. We are not balanced. We must not be. People we love, our family even, tell us these things. Past partners whom we trust have told us these ‘truths’. Unlearning and realizing that those ‘truths’ were about those persons’ inability to allow our emotions was a reflection of their weakness, not about us, is incredibly difficult.

So? What’s the point?

Dominants, are you prepared to stand next to an s type and allow them to navigate their fears? Moreover, are you willing to encourage them? Do you know how? Can you allow them to be in their emotions however that looks? Or are you trying to ‘manage’ them? Change them? Structure them to death?

There are s types out there that believe that structure, or their d type can ‘correct’ such emotional, what they see as ‘instability’. It will not last. Why? Because emotions aren’t wrong. They aren’t right either. They’re just what they are. We can't 'wish' them away. We can't legislate emotions. Honoring them. Allowing them to see the light of day and not judging them as guilty or innocent of anything but simply letting them be is often incredibly frightening. Emotions like rage. Anger. Pain. Hurt. Allowing them to simply exist. To be given an expression, regardless of what that looks like, seems like too much to an s type. Why? Because, they haven’t been shown how to navigate such emotions. Coupled with being told their too much, they’ve learned to hide. If, as a dominant, you choose to perpetuate the hiding by structuring to death or punishing her for her emotions you’re only reinforcing the same negativity they’ve lived under for their whole lives. They will implode eventually. The result of this is they will refuse to trust you. Even if they don’t know why, or what has happened. They will not be able to let you in. They will not feel safe.

As a dominant we should know exactly how to navigate such spaces. We should be able to speak peace, calm, resiliency, care, devotion into an s types world simply by being there. If we cannot, what are we dominating?

Being dominant is NOT about how well you can fuck her.

Being dominant is NOT about how much you know.

Being dominant is NOT about how long you’ve been in the lifestyle, what implements you know how to use, how profficient you are at rope or flogging.

Being dominant is about exuding a strength of character that NEVER waivers when the emotional tides that is an s type come your way. Being patient to stand your ground with care, gentleness of understanding and firmness of resolve that says, “I’m not going anywhere. Be yourself. Let loose. I’ve got you.” AND they can believe it. They can trust it.

THIS more than ANYTHING is what being dominant is about. You know why? Because the scene you want to have, it’s asking the s type to trust you’re not going anywhere, you want them just as they are. You can hold them safely as they can let go. That you treasure and cherish their submission and can reassure them that you’ve got them. That they can trust you. The same as the preceding paragraph. A scene is a microcosm of what an s type hopes to find within ALL of their submission. SAFETY. Understanding. Consideration. Guidance. Acceptance. Respect. Strength of character. Integrity. Trustworthiness. Patience. Patience. Patience.

A good fucking isn’t going to give them that.

How much you know isn’t either.

Your length in the lifestyle won’t aid them if you can’t be trusted. Your ability to use a flogger or rope aids you only as far as play is concerned, what happens with their heart when their afraid though? THAT is the real question.

OH HOW THEY WILL BE AFRAID!!! Scared, doubtful of even you and your sincerity. They will question your resolve. Push you away in their panic. They don’t want you to see them in this ‘chaos’, yet, they sure hope you have the strength to stay and truly see them.

THIS IS DOMINANCE. The patience to understand that an s type is often a deeply feeling individual that just wants to be able to find some peace. They hope for an individual that can hold them safely where they are while they navigate their journey. IF they trust you, they hope you can encourage, support and guide them.

How are you going to do so?

What methods are you going to use that helps the s type become the best version of themselves and supports them quietening their fears?

How are you going to prove yourself worthy? By calling yourself dominant? That’s it? That’s NEVER going to cut it. So what........the next guy says so too. PROVE IT!!!

How are you going to earn their trust so much so that when their fear arises you are allowed to witness them in that space? Mind you, if they’re hiding this space from you........you haven’t earned their trust yet. You aren’t close enough to them to truly see them. They don’t believe in you enough. There is something in you lacking they can’t quite trust. What are you going to do?

That’s their problem you say? It’s up to them to surrender and give you all you think huh? Hahahahahahahahahaha. You are SOOOOOOOOOOO far from understanding dominance you may NEVER gain honest submission.

The integrity of dominance is in the inspiration of submission.

Read that again. And again. And again, until it registers.

No one OWES you submission. EVER. You earn it. You inspire it. S types WANT to submit, DESPERATELY. If they aren’t to you, if they can’t let you in, if they have walls they refuse to lower for you...........YOU ARE FAILING. Your dominance is lacking. An s type will gladly lower their eyes for a d type they can believe in. They will show utter respect for a d type that patiently nurtures their heart and mind into total submission. In fact, they’re BEGGING for it. It isn’t really that difficult........

GIVE A DAMN. Get to know them. Truly know them. I can tell you what Amethyst is thinking right now and I’ve been writing this for 45 minutes while she is writing herself. I can tell you some of the deepest fears of many s types on the Cage. I can tell you of many of their hopes, desires, wants, passions. Why? Because I am a dominant, I make it my priviledge to learn submission. To study it and the people that hold it. Why? Because I am dominant, I am in-tune with submissives. It is all that nurtures and brings out the best in me, why wouldn’t I want to immerse myself in the pursuit of learning and growing myself to become knowledgeable of submission in all it’s facets? To that end, I will NEVER be done. There will never be a completion of understanding. There will only ever be being better at inspiring submission.

Dominants,

How are you inspiring submission?

What about you is trustworthy?

How much effort are you willing to give to learn submission, the thoughts that encourage it? The desire of it? The fears that seek to cripple it?

Why not? How can you expect to receive it then?

What do you have to offer besides a groin area full of lust?

How can you be better?

Do you know how to silence fears?

Can you quiet yourself and allow an s type to just express what they feel without the desire to ‘fix’ or ‘change’ them?

Can you guide them to the best and safest place for them?

Can you see through their pain and their pushing away to see they desperately want you to be strong enough to see them?

Can you see they want to let go but are afraid of doing so? What will you do to inspire them to feel safe to do so? Why not?

How strong are you really if you can’t allow them to be afraid and express that fear however?

Who are you?

What kind of person are you?

What are you doing to engender dominance?

How much patience do you really have?

THIS is all over just one base fear. I would dare say it is one of the most insidious and threatening fears that capture each and every one of us in some way.

It’s what Amethyst’s fear is about. Her fear of emotional vulnerability, at it’s heart is what so many of us fear.

Not being enough. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not skinny enough. Not kind enough. Not generous enough. Not strong enough. Not willing enough. Not submissive enough. Not dominant enough. Not gentle enough. Not gracious enough. Not patient enough. On and on and on and on.

If you as a dominant do not know how you’re going to answer this fear within yourself, you will utterly fail at understanding the fear that resides deeply within an s type that is the same. They are looking to you for strength when they don’t feel like enough. They’re looking to you for help, encouragement, support, guidance. They’re looking to you to be trustworthy. To be believable. To be honest. To be transparent enough to see them and their fear. Can you?

This is how you earn submission. Be found worthy. Begin by accepting you may not have all of the answers, but you’ll be damned if you let fear control you. This by extension will help you understand an s types fear. How to care, nurture, encourage, comfort them when they’re afraid. So one day, one day they will learn from your example. They will see it can be done. They can trust that you know, you’ve been there. You’ve experienced it and found a hard fought victory over this fear. They can relax and follow your lead, because you honestly know where you’re going.

This is just over ONE fear. There are many others. There are all kinds of struggles in life. Yes, and beautiful victories and growth as well. We don’t just get to share in the positive and ‘perfect’ (no such thing) moments of s types as d types. No matter how fantasy like your dynamic is, reality is honest. There are wounds, scars of past hurts. Make sure you’re not another one in their life.

I pray this writing finds you focused on your purpose and that you’re extending grace to yourself and one another today.

Namaste

Drago and Amethyst

 

I don't owe you an explanation. You.......the reader. It is irksome to be posited with why all the time. However, I understand because I was in your shoes once, not so very long ago even.

Invariably I receive many messages from submissives stating how they value my point of view and wondered if I would give them some advice.

I used to answer everyone of them.

I used to give my precious time so freely.

I used to believe I had answers that would help others.....all others.

I used to not see any harm.

I used to lose sleep because someone I barely knew across the world had an 'issue' that needed solving.

I used to involve myself into the business of others where I had no knowledge or business for being there.

I used to disregard my own concerns that I was being used or manipulated.

I used to get myself into a space where submissives "fell for me" because I was such a 'nice guy'.

I used to wave off the red flags of those who drew themselves too awkwardly close to me without my consent or desire.

I used to make excuses why I should care about what others needed from me.

I used to believe unless I answered everyone it meant I didn't care.

I used to allow others to tell me how I should be in the name of 'understanding' and 'compassionate resonance'.

I quite frequently receive dominants coming my way seeking for me to mentor them. Invariably they are sent my way by well intentioned submissives that want their dominant to learn how to treat them exactly how I show up.

I used to find that flattering.

I used to believe I was adding to the value of the collective by taking on such endeavors.

I used to let that go to my head.

I used to believe everyone had good and honest intentions.

I used to believe everyone was like me and wanted to learn and grow to be better versions of themselves.

I used to think other Dominants truly wanted more than to appease their s type.

I used to believe that integrity was as important to others as it is to me.

I used to think others were appreciative and wouldn't try to take more than necessary.

I used to think others cared about me as a person.

ALL of this was born from a lack of healthy boundaries on MY part. I cannot and do not blame others for being who they are, wanting what they do or seeing things the way that they understand.

I set the boundary of not speaking with other submissives in private LONG before I was in a relationship with anyone. It has been a long-standing boundary of mine because NOTHING good has ever come from it otherwise. To be honest, women (not in all cases mind you) can be the most ruthless and scandalous of creatures! Subverting even the most tame and direct language to suit their submissive needs. Misunderstanding. Hurt feelings. Feelings at all! Wanting more than they would express openly. Manipulation. Using. Gaslighting. All because they want what they do and don't truly care what I felt or wanted.

My boundary to not talk with a female behind closed doors so to speak and not in an open forum first is born from the ruthless dragging of my heart and soul through the mud I allowed so many of them to do. I came to a space where I was brutal and cruel to anyone who tried to chat with me. Nevermind that there are plenty who probably are quite innocent. I cannot risk it. My reputation and my sanity is worth more than your imagined slight at my not speaking to you. I became a person I never wanted to be........mean. This became a dead giveaway to me of how I NEEDED to have a boundary and quick before I destroyed myself!

Go ahead and judge me.

Go ahead and disregard me.

Go ahead and say I'm stuck up or 'too good' to speak with you.

Go ahead and say my boundary is dumb and unnecessary.

THAT IS EXACTLY WHY I HAVE THE BOUNDARY!!!

You prove my point of why it's necessary.

Because you can't simply respect it. You think it's about you. You make it personal instead of simply having tolerance. You show me exactly the type of person I desire to keep away from me. Someone who speaks out of the side of their mouth without even knowing me, asking why or knowing why, who judges based on their opinion and not on facts, who would call on someone repeatedly to walk their journey for them looking for the answers instead of discovering the answers for themselves and then amazingly be upset when what is spoken to you comes to pass and you ignored it blaming the one who was the listening ear. People like that are the reason I need the boundary to begin with.

Again, please judge me. Do me the favor, you show your intolerance and ignorance of respect for a human that is allowed to decide for themselves what serves them. You show yourself plainly and allow me to keep you away from me. I don't express that to be cruel, only to be honest.

Please don't believe me intolerant. I can't preach tolerance and be intolerant of others. A boundary is NOT intolerance. I accept everyone has the right to whatever expression they want. Including slandering something they don't understand. Or making assumptions about another persons choices and the reasons why. We all don't know what we don't know. I have nothing against anyone who thinks or believes as they do, even if it's negative to me. They have every right. I don't find others thusly guilty of anything except being wilfully ignorant. Forgiveness is always prudent to encourage tolerance.

Intolerance appears to me as a sign of fear. Feeling threatened by someone else's choice regardless of what that is. How you feel about it is irrelevant. In this lifestyle especially, how will you navigate going to dungeon and seeing what you consider to be edge play? You have the right as everyone does to say that's not for me. But not to shame another or tell others how wrong their actions are. That shows your intolerance not their wrong.

To those who have been kind and simply respected me as a human I can't honor you enough but I hope to by treating you likewise. You all are special to me and the best of this community because you understand grace, compassion, tolerance and forgiveness. I hope to be able to live up to that kind of example everyday to those around me.

I used to be someone that allowed whatever in my sphere only to discover that I let monsters in to wreak havoc. No wonder my life lacked cohesion and focus. I let myself down.

Today, while I owe you nothing, I do owe my character a voice to express who I am and why. Not for others to hear and understand......I don't need that to walk my journey. Rather, to appreciate my own growth here and to realize how much peace is in my life because I have had the courage to simply say no.

 

Thank you all for listening.

 

 

Namaste

 

 

Drago and Amethyst

6/7/2020

It’s a question I have wrestled with for more years than I can remember.

I’ve sought from myself the answer as to why I seek what I do. Why I want it. Where does the desire come from?

Allow me to clarify some.........I ask for total surrender. A conscious choice to allow me to lead. A resigned acceptance that I can be trusted.

I have, and absolutely continue to do so, work to be trustworthy. I continue to fight to be the kind of man that earns respect. I work to prove myself worthy of earning submission, as I feel I should. I seek balance in all things within my life. Knowing honestly that I will always work at it. I try to be self-aware. Conscious of my limitations, faults, baggage and abilities in an honest fashion. I work to be authentic. I continue to diligently work to be shown as capable of holding a safe space for anyone to feel comfortable and at ease to let go if they choose.

I express all of this to remind myself of the truth that if I want total surrender I feel I must be found capable of receiving it. That I won’t misuse it. That I will accept it honestly. And deeper than that, I will treasure it and cherish it for what it is in my eyes, vulnerable trust that knows no boundaries. Sacred.

In my opinion, just as my dominance shouldn’t just be taken for granted. Just as my dominance should be seen for the hard work it is to remain humble, focused and found worthy and capable, so also is surrender.

In a d/s or m/s relationship I feel this is the culmination or realization of our deepest passion. Our needed desire met.

And yet, I have struggled with feeling like I am asking too much from a submissive.

Yes, I’ve been met with submissives that could only surrender so far. They weren’t capable, with me, of letting go any further. I’ve taken that personally in the past, I am ashamed to admit. I’ve put that on them as if they didn’t want to. Or they chose not to. When there is just as much truth that I didn’t create a safe space for them to feel as if they could. And yes, in some instances there was probably the reality that no matter what I would have done they would never have surrendered. We all aren’t meant to surrender to everyone. Just to the one whom we can feel that honest connection with and ‘know’ they have us.

I seek total surrender for what I feel are honest reasons. Because a submissive longs to, and I need it. I need to feel that trusted. That responsible. I’ve only recently discovered that this state is not necessarily an arrived destination, rather, a continued journey towards. I have felt total surrender is a choice. You make it, you’ve surrendered totally. The honesty is that’s not likely, nor very real. We are human. As such, we will always uncover pieces of ourselves that we get the opportunity to surrender to. In our relationships, but also, within ourselves. As we discover things that we’ve held onto out of fears, or pieces of control we hold onto because we can’t imagine doing otherwise, we will seemingly never arrive at a space where we will honestly yield all control. Surrender, as such, is often situational.

However, it can also be positional. The position of our hearts. Where we desire, want, even need to surrender and we acknowledge thusly accepting our own limitations of perpetual growth. When we express that we mean to, or seek to, always surrender despite our yet unknown pieces of control. For this, I seek. A space where a submissive says, “Regardless, I seek to give you all, no matter what.” And that is enough.

Am I wrong for this desire? Do I ask too much?

I want it. No, I would dare say I even need it. It is the best of me. I have lived a life where I have been told by every partner and significant person that has had a voice in my life that I am a failure. That I can’t get it right. That I should change to be this or that to get it “right”. I’ve suffered years under the weight of immasculation and demeaning. At my choice, yes. I could have changed the circumstances and didn’t. That’s on me totally. The point is, I’ve allowed myself my whole life to be guided and directed by someone else’s voice. Someone else’s opinion of who or what I should be. What I should like or enjoy. Even in the BDSM community I’ve been told the way in which I dominate isn’t ‘normal’. That somehow because I seek submission of the heart I’m ‘wrong’.

Am I asking too much?

This desire within me comes from the need to realize my innate ability to teach. To comfort. To guide. To lead. Not just for me to know it in my head, but for it to be an actualized truth in my world. To be trusted to do so.

Yes. I am too deep for many.

Yes. I am too intense for many.

Yes. I am too introspective for many.

Yes. I lay bare the inner most thoughts and workings of a submissives heart. And that’s incredibly vulnerable and often rather scary for too many to have the courage to receive. Mind you, NOT out of hate. Or picking apart. I simply seem to have this light that exudes from me that bares the soul of those around me. I don’t intentionally seek to do this. It’s not part of my plan. But I know it happens.

Am I asking too much?

I know that what I am seeking for isn’t easy to find. A diamond of great worth never is. I’m okay with that. The question I am asking of myself is, “Is the manner in which I am seeking this diamond unhealthy?”

Am I asking too much?

I can be an exacting taskmaster. I lock onto what I see and pursue it. I make no apologies for this. I see it as focused. Driven. Passionate. I’m also not above taking stock in my methods and seeing if there are more patient or tactful ways in which I get to grow and discover how to be more understanding. Hence.......

Am I asking too much?

I don’t believe that it is wrong in this lifestyle to pursue what fulfills us. So long as it is safe, sane and consensual how we define what we need is honest and permissible. Regardless of whether it’s liked or permitted by all or not.

I make no qualms up front what I am seeking......your heart. ALL of it. I won’t stop until I have it.

I’m relentless. Patient. Focused. Deliberate. Intentional. Purposeful.

With myself, and with my partner. There is always room to grow. Always room to expand our hearts towards one another. Always opportunities to find surrender and responsibility together.

If anything, I am guilty of feeling as if it has to look a certain way. Or, guilty of seeking it to be here or here by now. Or, seeing a way it can be bolstered or encouraged to flourish easier and being fervently passionate to nurture such a space regardless of where my partners capabilities lie.

I am guilty of saying within myself, ”If she would only do this. Why can’t she just see and do this?”

What I have discovered is this is an indictment on me. My mental space. It has nothing to do with my partner. I do this to me. Because I am so harsh on my own journey. Because I fail to extend grace to myself in so many ways, I fail to extend it then to them. This is my failure. My weakness. My impatience. My asking too much of them, because I ask too much of myself.

I expect too much of me. I expect me to get it all right. To always say the correct thing. To always be ‘on’. To always have the answers. To always be in the correct head space. To always meet all the needs, even when it’s not mine. I put this on me.

Why?

Because it’s what I thought others’ wanted of me. When I met ‘resistance’ from submissives in the past I’ve been admonished, “If you would do this or this then I would be able to surrender to you.” Which, is utter manipulation. Not honest. At best they were saying they didn’t feel safe to surrender to me, for whatever reason. Even if that reason had nothing to do with me. At worst, they wanted their surrender to look the way they wanted it to look because they wanted what they wanted from the relationship without caring about what I was seeking for from the same relationship. Either way, to express that I only need to do this or that in either context becomes a manipulation when it is laden with guilt or punishment for my consistent desire of their heart which was stated honestly from the start.

I learned to do more. Be more. Pay more attention. Give more. Do more.

The only thing that did was show them, and others, that I could be manipulated. They got what they wanted.

“If only you did this or that........” became my driving force. And I can NEVER reach up to the potential of others’ expectations of me I and they aren’t even aware of.

So, I learned to ask too much from myself. And I gave more than I should.

Today, I’m learning not to ask so much of myself. Because, I am also learning, I am asking too much of my partners. Expecting them to live up to a standard that even I can’t reach. Total anything. I am flawed. Imperfect. I’ve admitted that to myself and have learned to love myself despite it. Sadly, I’ve also witnessed pieces of myself here where I am failing to love myself clearly. Failing to give myself grace to ‘get there when I get there’. So, I transfer the same judgment I have of myself onto those around me. Impatience and lack of understanding.

Am I asking too much?

I’m not. I deserve to receive my partners heart.

I simply don’t get to define what that looks like and the timing of how that manifests. THAT is asking too much, because it’s not mine to control or define.

I hope this writing finds you pursuing your truth today.

 

 

Namaste

 

 

 

Drago and Amethyst

 

I am going to take some risks here.

I am going into an area that I have not seen many go....in so doing, I don’t have a reference. I only have experience. I have talked with others, but the information is only as good as those individuals are able to expound upon personally.

For the sake of this writing, I will use myself as the focus. This controversial topic may come back to bite me. I cannot explain or express adequately for all in any way. Your mileage may vary. Your reasons, your purpose, your focus will most certainly be different as you are a different human being.

Dominant Hunger.

The absolute visceral need to own, capture, possess, hold, tear limb from limb a submissives form is a violent force of desperate urge.

Primals will be the first to understand. Whether you identify as a wolf, alpha, bear, dragon or some other form.

I admit it is difficult to get information from primals on their form of “play”. They often hold it very sacred. It is something uniquely shared between them and their pack, prey, capture or s type. A primal often is quite misunderstood. They live on the edge of their visceral need. Very much a voracious hunger and need for their prey with whom they connect. Many simply don’t understand the violent emotional, and often physical need of another. The best way I can describe it is maternal protection. A mother will always violently protect, lead, keep safe that which they feel is theirs. Of course, with a primal, the physical owning, capturing, violating, taking, biting, wrestling possession is with a BDSM and/or sexual component.

I will explain it from a dragon’s point of view, as that is how I can best identify and describe.

An explanation, many dominants gravitate towards using an animal as a connection to their “spirit” or “hunger”. This often is a way for the dominant to simply “understand” or best be able to describe their personal feelings, hunger and needy desire. They can “identify” with something else in evolution that resonates within them, while also being able to use it as a touchstone for others. Others can recognize, identify with, understand the idea of the animal expressed when it becomes difficult for the dominant to explain the “why” or “how” of their need.

I have only met a handful of those who identify as dragons. They’re rare. Elusive. Methodical. Ancient.

Dragons fly high in the air, well above the land and its inhabitants. But their vision is crystal clear when it comes to their prey. They see, from their view in the air, everything. They roam about seeking the one(s) whom they can devour. They can literally smell everyone. Their motives, their intent. You cannot hide from a dragon. They have an endless hunger to destroy everything, their violent heart wants to rip everything to shreds. They need not be tamed but sated. Their hunger, when sated, brings peace to the heart of a dragon. A dragon mates for life. They can only fill their nostrils with the scent of they who calm their fiery heart. They seek to feast voraciously on their prey’s form. They do not act gently. There is no compassion for their need. Those who identify as dragons know their need. I have not met one dragon that is not a sadist or masochist in the extreme. They will NOT relent. They will take what is theirs. Period. They do not care for your reasoning on why you should be methodical, gentle, patient, diligent or reasoning in their devouring desire. They know their passion, they seek to unleash that fire within. Fire is all consuming, it leaves nothing left untouched, scorched, charred....consumed. That DOES NOT mean they are not patient, caring or purposeful. Everyone that I have met that identify as a dragon is so very focused. A dragon survives with their hunger by knowing that only the flesh of another who holds no fear will quench their thirst. The morsels they may play with usually are destroyed. They’re not meant for the dragon. This is seen in the sadist playing with anyone that is not a masochist in the extreme.....they cannot last. Anything less will simply not be able to stand up to the sadist’s need. Once a sadist tastes the freedom from an extreme masochist (also referred to affectionately in the lifestyle as a pain slut) nothing else will satisfy.

Now to the hunger.....

Why?

The age-old question. I put myself out there in this....I am not describing anyone else.....

The hunger is born from belonging. In the extreme. A sadist, their violent voracious need is to express their hunger as pure devoted love. If you can trust me enough to take ALL of my ugly, damage, fire.....you will have all of me. Every inch. Devotion in the extreme. I will, can, and have all the heart in the world for they who can “take” me. There is NOTHING I wouldn’t do for her who can simply accept all of me. Her acceptance only fuels my hunger. I have sadly only experienced this for a few brief moments on a couple of occasions. Most cannot accept all of another. And I speak not simply of physical.....truly, so much more than physical. My need to devour another is because I simply cannot do anything but. I need all of you, and I HAVE to give you all of me. You will take all of me....or none of me. I don’t know a middle ground. I have met sadists that play with others, on the edges of their personal darkness, the self-control, the restraint that is shown is a sight to behold. I often wonder if there is some form of masochism in sadists that do such, it is a unique form of torture to not be able to just “let go”. That being said, as discussed, it is an extremely rare and beautiful thing to find someone that has no limits when it comes to pain. The dragon, the extreme sadist, MUST consume. MUST devour. MUST feast. They are always seeing and smelling the desire of submissives around them. They pass up so very many....because they are seeking that one whom they know will take all of them.

Dominant hunger is born, from my experience, what I have seen and heard, an extreme passion for more. More than the normal. More than the accepted line of desire. And please, let me be succinctly clear about this....it is NOT in any way about physical. The physical is there, no doubt. You will have my voracious physical need....but ONLY AFTER you take all of who I am. I am way more than my physical self....as we all are. I desire to be deeper emotionally. I don’t want a “normal” passion. I want and need a consuming fire of devoted, connective devouring of souls. I seek to devour your mind. I want to feast on your purpose. I thirst for your intent. I am parched with the need for your devotion. Your hearts peace feeds my longing. I want my desire to be your contentment.....anything less is not consuming. I seek to invade every ounce of your being. Hunger is never satisfied....if it were....we would all eat one meal and never need another. All of me is in devotion, in consuming.....I cannot exist without my fire and passion. If you can take that....you have me....period. This is more than liking my point of view or understanding. This is in yielding your heart, your soul to me. I will accept nothing less than complete and utter brokenness at my feet....I cannot. In order for me to give you all of me....I demand the same.

A dragons’ hunger is complete and total in its desire. It is everything they are. It is their purpose.....a dragon knows only to be devoted to its own character......extreme purposeful intentioned focus on their prize. She who turns his head and heart gains everything about that dragon. Their fire, their protection, their devoted heart, their consuming hunger.

A dominants hunger, however they identify, whatever lengths it goes to, is unique to them. It varies in intensity, needs, and reason. One thing they all have in common.....it is born from an extreme desire to have and give acceptance within their dark desires.

A dominants hunger is just them, all of them in truth and transparency. Whether they understand or need to learn who they are and why they want such defiled elegance is simply a point of their personal growth.

 

 

Do you fear the hunger?

Do you have the same need?

How much passion is too much for you?

Do you long to be consumed with another?

 

 

Stay hungry my friends,

 

 

Drago and Amethyst 

 

 

As with all of my writings I do not attempt to answer for all. I would never assume to know or understand all things or ways. Nor would I ever preach one and only one way. We all travel our paths along our respective journey’s. This just happens to be mine.....

I try to remain present....meaning I try not to do what many my age tend to do...”Back in my day.....” Because times do change. People change. Evolution occurs. Growth. All necessary. I catch myself doing it still because my past is a part of me and my journey. I can’t separate it out from me. The things I’ve learned, believed and understood differently, they’re all valuable. Even if many of those things are from a land far far away now.

I grew up in this lifestyle in a much different climate than exists today. There are positives and negatives in that just as there are today. I suppose a claim could be made to me being biased or prejudiced based on my predisposition to my training or “truths” learned from my experience back in the late 90’s. While I hold steadfast to those things I believe and vehemently support them personally, I am also distinctly aware that I too have things to learn and can grow from everyone around me. This I believe is a character trait of a healthy dominant.

I will not get into a debate (and in my opinion, no one ever should) regarding “real” dominance or “fake” dominance. That is incredibly subjective. What is one person’s fake is another person's acceptable reality and vice versa. I attempt to use the words healthy and unhealthy, with little to no comparison between real and fake. Thusly, while my definitions suit me and possibly a majority around me, I am acutely aware that my definitions are not the law, sum total, nor expressed fully for all as viable or true.

All set? Let’s begin....

 

 

A dominant should know their weaknesses and correct them.

 

I’m not talking physical limitations. Though that is admirable to understand. I am not speaking of knowledge unknown in any matter, including, but not limited to, how to use a specific implement or toy (we all have room to learn). We don’t know what we don’t know yet. More they should know today what baggage they carry into a relationship.

Example: I very recently discovered I carried a pre-disposition to expecting my partner to not understand. I have lived most of my life with very few people being able to “see” me. People often can only see through their fears, past, prejudices et cetera. I had become accustomed, quite innocently without me even realizing, to being “on guard” when I would express myself openly. Most everyone else has been combative with me about my ability to be transparent (mostly because it showed a weakness or insecurity within themselves), they would accuse me, see something that wasn’t there in me at all and blame me for being “wrong”, when it’s not even a right or wrong situation to begin with. When I was faced with being transparent with the submissive in my care now, I was fully prepared to “go to battle”. What I wasn’t prepared for was her understanding and total acceptance of me. I didn’t know how to act....so much so that I almost couldn’t believe it. I began my usual explanations and patterned responses as I had always done....from my damage. What I was doing was diminishing her mercy and not trusting her understanding. Not accepting her as capable, not believing her as trusting. I failed. It wasn’t her that showed me this.....she just loved on me. She just supported me. My own weakness was plainly visible....and I had to correct it. I apologized for marginalizing and diminishing her. For making a comparison of her. For putting her in the place of everyone else in my past And then? I quit it. Right then and there. I set in my heart and mind to trust her....period. IF she would ever prove herself untrustworthy, we would deal with it at that moment. Until then, she is innocent. She just is. She deserves that dominance. She deserves that care.

We as dominants are just like every other human being, we carry baggage. What makes a healthy dominant is one who has looked at their baggage when it comes across the conveyor belt of life and owns it. Claims it. And removes it properly. To do otherwise is to bring our fears, distrusts, and insecurities and then place them on our partners. In so doing creating an unhealthy space from which to place dominance and risking our own dynamics.

 

A dominant should know their limits and follow them

 

If you’re a top, or a service-dominant or a Pro-dominant.....you know your lane. You are not looking for a d/s or m/s type of relationship (per se) and that is ok. Good. You’re not interested in the psychology of awakening devotion or emotional connection from a bottom or s type with you on a personal level. Good. You are interested in sexual conquest with kinkery added for flavor. Good. You want only to master implements of pain and pleasure. Good.

You are interested in a d/s or m/s dynamic, you wish to work towards mastery. Good.

You seek to invade an s types psyche and rule their heart. Good. You want to earn the honor of an s type giving you their submission. Good. You desire to encourage, support and nurture the best in an s type you can call your own. Good. You seek to be more active in your community, serving where and learning what you can. Good. You believe turning an s type to a drooling puddle of goo is beauty incarnate. Good.

None of these things (and so many, many more) are bad or wrong. They’re all a part of the lifestyle and each one of them can make you happy and fulfilled in their own way. A healthy dominant knows not only what they want (and why) but also whether they’re capable at this moment of achieving it. They’re honestly realistic about their capabilities. They are the first ones to discover and admit in their want whether it’s practical today to have it or it is still just a want they’re working towards.

Example: I want a cabin in the woods. I have most of my life. That want doesn’t make me capable of having it, or achieving it...though it is necessary as a goal. It is only the beginning. I have spent over 20 years planning, learning and working towards that goal. But, I am not quite ready. I am honest about it. It’s still a want. It is a practical goal that can be achieved. It is, however, not yet for me. I know my lane. I know my capabilities and I accept my limitations. Those limitations don’t stop me from pursuing my desire, but they do in reality stop me from achieving and actualizing that desire.

Dominance is honest. Practical. Realistic. Even though I know, often much of it is played out in fantasy, it is still our chosen way of life. Nothing suits dominance better than understanding and patience. Conversely, there is evidence all around of unhealthy dominance by those who “want” and “desire” but don’t want to put the effort and work into achieving. Intelligence is sexy. Know your capabilities. If you can’t handle your own anger because you fly off the handle whenever something doesn’t go your way and you wish to own an s type.....you’re not ready. Grow. There’s no one telling you not to want. But wanting a thing is not the same as achieving it.

 

 

A dominant will never expect or push beyond what an s type is willing

 

 

This seems to me to go without saying, but for some reason we hear more and more about “dominants” who slander an s type because they won’t “instantly” drop to their knees for them, or call them “master” or “sir” upon command after briefly chatting with them.

NO s type is obligated, owes, is indebted, needs or even wants to give anyone (especially a person that EXPECTS) their submission.

This thinking is mine....mine alone....use it as you wish or disregard....

No d type should EVER expect submission. E.V.E.R.. The thinking behind this is straightforward really....no s type owes you anything. They are their own individual. Their submission is theirs. They own it. If you hope to share in it....show them that respect. If as a d type you wish to own it because they find you worthy of taking care of them.....give them the respect of acknowledging it is theirs...to do with as they please. To give to whomever they wish in whatever circumstances and situations they decide. Until they do so....a d type has NO right to expect anything. Even when as a dominant you own a submissive....their submission is theirs, they focus it on you...they give you all of themselves and tell you it is theirs.....and it is. Why? Because THEY allow it. Your expectations aside won’t gain it (no argument that once a dominant has an s types submission/slavery they have the right to expect it....semantics I would argue....but valid point all the same). Even if you own them and have for years, they could still decide, for whatever reason to withdraw their submission. That choice is ultimately always theirs.

Don’t expect or demand. Respect that everyone else is their own person, with their own rights. An s type doesn’t cease to have rights simply because they’re an s type. They owe you nothing. NOTHING. If they choose to give themselves and their most vulnerable part of their desire to you, it is because they trust you, because they want and have chosen you. Then, only then, can you expect their submission to come to you. Understand that may take time. Understand that most s types have been burned, used, left abandoned, hurt in the past. They have real-life issues; jobs, children, ex’s, parents et cetera that you’re asking them to allow you to be responsible for in many cases (no, not all). This will never be easy. Put yourself in their shoes for a second....if you were asked to make a decision to give all of yourself over to another how difficult would it be for you? Be mindful, present and above all be patient. You are not owed anything you haven’t earned.

 

 

A dominant knows what is theirs and what is not

 

 

A healthy dominant knows their limits. A healthy dominant knows themselves and their weaknesses. A healthy dominant knows when and where to push. A healthy dominant knows that they only want what they need.

Read that again....

A healthy dominant knows that they only want what they need.

Today, thirsty behavior is all around you. It is evident everywhere. And yes, it has always been present. It’s nothing new.

Evidence of self-control is knowing that while as a healthy dominant you may be capable of having any s type out there to choose from, you only want the one(s) that you need. Nothing more. Do not lead others on for the sake of your ego and pride. Nothing says “dim dom” worse than “playing the field” and “using” other s types for your satisfaction.

Again, this should seem to go without saying, honesty is absolutely necessary to build trust. As we can agree that trust is what this lifestyle is about, promote transparent honesty in all things. Including what it is you want, what you’re seeking, what you feel you need as a d type, what your goal is, what your aim is, what you wish to accomplish in your life with an s type by your side. Whatever that looks like. If you do not know the answers to these things, consider that you should before attempting to make an s type yours.

Knowing what your purpose is about is knowing what you need and then pursuing only that need.

If you don’t need play partners, don’t pursue them. If you don’t require a slave, don’t pursue them. If you don’t need a person who will get emotionally attached, don’t play with another's emotions.

This is a simple kindness. Have character, integrity, and honor. These are hallmark traits of being dominant. Otherwise, what separates you from a “vanilla” bloke?

In this first part of a series, I have felt I should write I have hoped to inspire us dominants to reach for an often higher and more cerebral form of dominance than is often typified in online settings. No, a healthier form of dominance. One of enlightened and purposefully focused on positive direction instead of simply the wandering eyes and thinking with our loins that seems to be so prevalent.

I hope this has done just that for those who seek such.

May you find your clarity and purpose with a renewed sense of peace today.

 

Namaste

 

 

Drago and Amethyst 

 

When I began my journey into a BDSM lifestyle I had many notions about what I believed was accurate concerning who had the power in a dynamic.

For a time I believed it must be the D type.

I began when there was still a season of incredible importance placed on the D type and the value held within their dominance. S types 'petitioned' to be of service to a particular D type or a House. Dominance was held as the pinnacle of control and strength of character. Those who identified as D types were very frugal and wary about who they would allow to serve them. Their dominance was valuable and they would not sully it by giving it away. They wanted to be met with the same passion and devotion or they wouldn't even entertain an S types advances.

Through this lens then I believed that dominance held all the power. They decided what went. How it went. When it went and if at all.

As happens times change. A movement began to empower submissives. It has often been said that submissives out number dominants almost 2 to 1. Finding a quality dominant with character and integrity has long been a challenge. The math shows there are just too many submissives and there simply aren't enough dominants. This, propelled switches to be born. Brats, Sam's, even littles came about, in part, as a result of not enough good, healthy, quality dominants. S types, however they identified, have also valued their submission. Treasuring what they have to offer. Many healthy dominants of the past have taught many S types to value themselves and what they have to offer. As well as many S types who saw the early struggle of so many trying to discover where they fit into this inclusive lifestyle.

Many today believe the S type holds all the power. They can revoke their submission any time they wish. A D type must work within the confines of their limits. If an S type ever feels marginalized or unappreciated they can leave right? Surely they hold the power.

The truth of this thinking is that D types have all the same power. They can revoke their dominance whenever they so choose. D types limits must be respected no less than anyone else's. If a D type is abused, or used, or feels ignored or disregarded in any way they are free to leave without any hesitance.

This begs the obvious question.....

 

WHO HAS THE POWER?

And

WHERE IS THE POWER EXCHANGE?

 

IF you accept both S types and D types each have power to do as they please (after all, we are all human firstly) how can we say one holds all the power?

There is no exchange if one holds it. If a D type holds all the power the exchange would be only one way. Which would be very draining and incredibly unfulfilling. No different if the S type held all the power. (Conversely, I would see the S type holding the power as dominant in this line of thinking, which seems peculiar to believe.)

So? Where is the power? Who truly has it?

The answer, from my lens, is.....NO ONE.

No one has more power than another. Even negotiated power TO the D type is power FROM the S type. Vice versa, the D type has needs, structure, desires that they bring to bear within the dynamic. They extend their power/will TO the S type and receive FROM them acceptance however that looks for the dynamic. Exchange.

Again, who holds the power? The answer is not a who, rather a what....

The dynamic has the power. The connection does. The bond. The agreement between the parties involved holds ALL the power.

The power is given FROM ALL participants in a dynamic to the insurance and perpetuating of that dynamic for the fulfillment of all involved.

If one member fails to build the dynamic or hold it as valuable they aren't giving their agreed upon power to exchange within the connection. The relationship will suffer. We all have our roles to play within our connections. However that looks. However it is negotiated and agreed upon. We all want to perpetuate that which fulfills us. No matter how that looks. The often never-ending search for the ONE who will fulfill us is evidence of how we all just want to belong to that which feeds us the power we each need.

For D types the power they need is to see an S type yield to them. To know they're trusted. To feel the power from being responsible for another person's life. Even if it's just in the bedroom. Or at dungeon once a month. Or a 24/7 relationship.

S types want to give up control. Which is empowering. The power of freedom from self. From thoughts. From fears. From doubts et cetera. Whether in the bedroom. Or at dungeon once a month. Or a 24/7 relationship.

We ALL want and need the power we seek. To be the best of ourselves. To fulfill our character. To aid our peace within. We do what we all need to find that which serves us. The power we seek serves that need within us that can't ultimately be filled with anything but. It is like, food. We each need to eat. It fulfills us. It serves our body. Fuels it. Without it we would lack the power we need to make it through our days. So too is our individual hunger for the things that fulfill our soul. We ALL have a need for that which fuels us. Whether it is our purpose, or our identity, or our desire, or our calling, or how we were created.

This is where knowing one's self comes into being such a pivitol piece. We must know why we seek to have a dynamic. What power do we need? What power will we give? How best are my needs met? Do I expect my partner (s) to figure it all out for me? How best are my needs going to be met? Where am I fulfilled? I'm what ways do I desire to fulfill another?

Even these questions point to dominant and submissive needs respectively. We each need that which fuels us. That power. So, we seek it. We look for it here and there. In this person. In this way. Learning and discovering as we go what we do and do not need. When we hone that down, whittle it to a fine point so we speak to others plainly as , "I need this......or I am unfulfilled." We begin to understand what we will put into a dynamic and conversely what we want from one. When we find what we are looking for, or what we hope we have found, we work diligently to give authentically to that connection. We focus our energies and power to the dynamic because it is, after all, what we desire and need. All members of the dynamic do so, if they do not, they aren't being authentic to themselves. My experience with this has been, so many don't even understand why they want this lifestyle. They don't know what they are willing to invest. Because they don't know truly how best they are served or what they need.

I have a tried and true way to discover whether someone knows and understands what they need to invest and what they want to get out of a power/energy exchange. And whether it will align with what I need.

I ask them to list 5 passions of theirs.

List 5 things they love.

For me, only me, if themself is not on that list I know they have more work on their journey before they're ready to get serious about living this lifestyle. My reasoning for this is simple......

Anyone who loves themselves, also realizes that they are imperfect and yet still worthy to be accepted. Someone in this space, with this understanding has realized that it's not always everyone else's fault for their life. It's not everyone else's blame for the direction of their own choices. They know, they have learned what they want and how to get it. Because they have understood their own power. What they have to give. What investment they are willing and capable of making because they have invested in themselves firstly. This is where honest power comes from. You cannot give what you do not own. If you do not own yourself; if everything is everyone else's or life's or circumstances or bad luck or what they said to you or what they did to you is to blame, then you hold no power. You have given it to everyone else. And everyone else owns you. You cannot give what you do not own.

Power belongs to those who know what fuels them. It is exchanged when partners fuel one another, organically, consensually, naturally, negotiated. When someone else's fuel feeds you and meets your needs we give to the creation and maintenance of our connections to perpetuate that exchange of power. Because it is what serves us. It is what fuels us. We feed our power to the connection. The connection is maintained by all parties continuing to uphold one another's agreed upon roles.

This is deeper than a D type or an S type holding power.

This is about understanding that without one there would not be the other. Without both no power would be exchanged. Without the connection, the dynamic, the partnership, there would be no safe space to hold our power which all parties in that relationship need. We are each of us beholden to exchange our power for the sake of the relationship.

This is born out and proven by the dominant or submissive that is single desiring more than anything to be able to give their power to someone. They desire the connection. If an S type held all the power wouldn't they be complete even single? Wouldn't the need for an exchange of power be useless? They would have what fueled them, nothing else is necessary. If a D type held all the power why search for more? All is all.

We each search for the yin to our yang. Because we all search for the energy that fuels our souls. For those of us that believe we have found that energy in our partners may we all realize anew how valuable it is to have a connection that fulfills us. May we treasure the value that is deeply within each of our dynamics that fuels our deepest needs. May we discover every day how precious it is to share in the power/energy exchange that enriches our very being and appreciate it as such.

I pray this writing finds you in peace and focused within your deepest purpose today.

 

Namaste

 

 

Drago and Amethyst

 

 

As a child my mother taught me what to think. WHAT not HOW.

As I grew up I held onto those things I was taught/told to think. I could not imagine my mother being wrong. As many boys do, I idolized my mother.

I was 24 when I began to realize the things my mother had spoken to me as ‘truth’ did not resonate with me. In fact, many of those things did not make sense at all. A few years later I would be married and shifted a lot of the things I was told to think from my mother towards her. So often men get married and to ‘keep the peace’ we adopt the thinking and sensibilities of our partners. Happy wife happy life right????

Again, some 15 years later this time, I began to question the ‘truth’ that was being sold to me.

How come everyone else’s feelings matter but mine?

Why is it that I must listen to your concerns but mine are selfish?

Why is the way in which I deal with others so terribly wrong in your eyes?

That last one I will focus on for this writing as it is a clear indicator of how I have witnessed the world concerning how we think.

It is safe to say that we ALL (absolutely myself included) have opinions and ideas of how we should live and move in this world. How we should deal with others especially is a hot topic to discuss.

With my mother I was taught to put everyone before myself. She encouraged and taught putting my needs aside for any and everyone....especially family.

My ex wife continued this line of thinking and encouraged a line of thinking that said only SHE mattered. I was not allowed to have friends.....she would disagree with that statement but cannot deny that anytime I would try to foster a friendship it was only with whom she approved. In the way in which she felt was safe and acceptable. Basically, she did not trust me to make a rational, safe decision for myself. Her way of thinking I should see things was, “Do what I say because I know how best to meet my own needs from you.”

I am not ashamed to admit that it took me 40 years of my life to realize that others did not know what was best for me the way in which I did. I tried to ‘love’ others in the way in which they could see, hear, and receive love. I am not sorry for that. I AM ashamed that those closest to me thought so little of me that they felt I needed to be told how to live and make a choice for myself. Especially when it came to the way in which I dealt with others in my life.

Example:

As you may do if you are in a relationship you will share how your day went. Openly discuss what happened in your day. The marriage I was in was no different. She would ask how my day went, I would express my frustrations at various things. Victories of schedules being met. Concern over problems yet to be solved. Invariably these circumstances involved other people. My boss. My co-worker. The owner of the company. The client. Mind you, I was asked how my day was. As most men I know do, they see permission to express how they feel. What they thought. Things that were said and done. Often with complaint or learning opportunities they discovered. After my expression she would proceed to expound on all the ways she felt I was wrong. How I should not have said this or this. How I should have said this instead. How I should be careful with how I feel. That my thinking is amiss. For years I took this in stride. I did not want to believe my partner, of all people, would be trying to tell me how to speak. In time, as the frequency of such judgment on her part increased I began to let her know I did not need her permission to walk or navigate how I did in my day. That her opinion was fine, respected. But her demonstrative and overbearing vehement disdain at not doing it as she would was NOT OK. She argued that it was only because she cared for me and thought that I wanted to grow here. I expressed to her that if that was true she would allow me to learn and do so at my pace. Not hers. Express your thoughts by all means. But do not put with it expectations of how I should respond. To me, that is telling me what and how to think. It lacks.......tolerance.

We all see the things in the way in which we do. To my ex she saw my expressions, and because she would never respond as I did, freaked out internally. At times she even expressed, “The way you talk it is a wonder you even have a job! I would fire you if you talked like that to me as your boss!” This showed her fear. Her dislike of confrontation, or rather, what she perceived as confrontation. Her language was built to people please. Speaking the truth, in her eyes, was a luxury she could not afford.

In my first BDSM dynamic the submissive held a ton of insecurity around me talking with ANYONE. Especially, no surprise, other submissives. Now, when she met me I was a part of many BDSM pages and groups on Fetlife and Facebook. I was a part of many discussion groups. Many counseling pages. I had friends, and acquaintances, many of whom were of the opposite sex whether submissive or dominant. She was nervous. Voiced how afraid she was. I listened, and I cared....truly. So I left social media behind. I have never needed it. Honestly, I prefer the one on one in real life exchanges between people. I lived social media free for 3 years of our dynamic? In that time I was accused almost weekly. She would voice her fears and say things like, ”It does not matter that I cannot see if you are on social media. You are tech savvy and could be hiding from me and I would never know!” It did not matter how much I reassured her, she had her insecurity and I could not change it. Year 4 of our relationship saw me going back to Facebook, after discussing and clearly negotiating with her the boundaries of such. My laptop, my phone, any electronic device I owned and operated I would gladly provide all passwords and access to anytime she needed. My laptop was in my room daily while I was at work and she was home for her to access at any time. She had blanket permission at any moment to help quiet her concerns. I was no longer going to placate her fears. I was going to confront them head on. Others may have given her reason to be insecure. I was going to show her my trustworthiness if she cared to see it. I began a practice of telling her everything I posted. Every person that talked with me and the conversations we had. I was open. Transparent. I had zero to hide. Yet, her insecurity still remained. She could not face her own feelings of not-enoughness. I tried to help, but it was a space she had to navigate. Eventually, that feeling of less than ended our relationship. My dominance could not bring her peace. It did not quiet her heart. That is not a tragedy, just an honesty. So we separated. In this dynamic I learned that no matter how many eggshells you walk on you cannot shift someone’s thinking that they project onto you.

Each of our fears, insecurities, doubts, needs, wants, co-dependency, beliefs, values will all play a part in how we view what another person’s actions or thoughts are. In those lenses we will all make judgments in the way in which WE would navigate.....and then place those parameters on others because we cannot understand anything else.

The thing with grace, compassion, and tolerance is that we each ask of ourselves to not pass those judgments through our lenses onto anyone else.....because we truly do not understand or know their journey. Their reasons. What they have been through. What they are navigating. What they are seeing. What they feel. What they think. We can never truly be in their shoes. No matter how much we believe we can be.

I was raised in a very strict Christian household. With values that spoke of only one way of seeing things. Black and white. Right or wrong.

I have spent a lifetime seeking to find a balance between what are my personal values and how very little difference they make for anyone else. What I think is just that........mine. My opinion is just that......mine....for me. Not for ANYONE else. What difference does my opinion, thoughts, ideals, values et cetera mean to anyone? Not much. But, they are mine......and I will live them. Others may not approve, agree, accept, understand, like, believe, want them in their life. And that is absolutely ok. I accept that 110%. I applaud that. Know what you want and what you do not and follow it. Absolutely. You cannot, however, simultaneously tell me you do not accept what I believe for myself in your sphere while telling me you want me to receive your ideals, thoughts, beliefs in mine and not be a hypocrite that should be taken warily.

We each come into this world, life, our communities, our environments fighting our hardest within ourselves to be who we are. Whether we are accepted, approved, understood, received or not is not really the issue......it is whether we approve, understand, accept, receive ourselves. Because often times THAT is the beginning of our tolerance for others. The measure with which we use to place on others intentions are often the same strict perfectionist ideals we hold for ourselves. Because we struggle to give ourselves grace in this area, this area, and that area, when we encounter others in the same space we struggle to extend to them the tolerance we fail to understand. We often limit our perception by all we understand and can see.......never truly willing or capable of just extending trust or faith in the other individual........after all, it is their journey, not ours. Yet, we seem to have this belief (especially those closest to us) that we cannot let them go it alone here in this space where we can see them making a mistake!!!

Why?

Have they not navigated their lives so far up to this point?

Why do we feel we would know or understand better for anyone else?

Why are we so afraid of others making a mistake in their lives that maybe, just maybe they HAVE to make in order to grow?

Why are we attempting to stop a person traveling a road they must?

I get it. We do not want that for them. We do not like to witness the uncomfortable pain they will surely endure. Yet, it is the very thing that helps them to be better.

Example:

Which parent tries to stop their infant from walking?

Why not?

They are going to fall and hurt themselves absolutely!! Why not stop them?

When they learn to run they are surely going to trip at some point.......we should stop teaching kids to walk!!!! It is dangerous!!

As preposterous as this thinking is this is what we are doing with adults around us. Especially in the BDSM community that is about inclusion and diversity this should be the LAST thing we do to one another.

Others journeys are just that................theirs. Leave it to them. If their journey upsets you too much then that is yours to navigate. Or, walk away. Otherwise, unless asked for, your opinion and beliefs are just that...........yours. Keep them.

The following has been my journey. For ME. This is not about you. If you find sound wisdom in it.......cool. If you find drivel.........cool. Either way, I hope your life today is blessed with peace, gentleness, prosperity, comfort, kindness and grace.

 

 

Namaste

 

 

Drago and Amethyst

 

Have a sit, grab your popcorn.....this will be a long one!

 

 

When we first moved to the big city we sought out a MAsT Chapter to get involved in our local BDSM community.

We met them there. At the time they were a submissive with her Daddy Dom husband and her more strict Master. 

We were there when the Master was expelled from their lives. 

We were there when they moved from one side of the city to the other as we helped them.

We met regularly for meals and comraderie.

I made friends with him and her. She stated her demisexual nature, and their personal struggles in a 30 year marriage of his supposed 'emotional immaturity'. Her and I talked (emailed is more honest) regularly about any and everything mentally stimulating. I enjoyed the challenge her questions proposed. Her husband and I enjoyed fishing together. Chatting about construction (as we both are in project management). 

Time passed where Amethyst felt estranged. She never felt quite allowed to voice her perspective when we were all together.

Amethyst did a writing mentioning her jealousy over the type of conversations her and I would have. That it pressed on some old wounds. Not calling her out. In fact, not about her at all. Just Amethyst stating where she was on her journey.

The fallout was not pretty. The submissive took it personal. She felt attacked and summarily pushed Amethyst out of the circle. 

While I still had conversations with each of them, I no longer went over for regular meet ups. If Amethyst was not welcome, why go?

Oh, I went for the occasional birthday or moments after he and I came back from fishing. But nothing intentional otherwise.

 

She was the leader of the local submissives group. She had been for 7 years. Encouraging newer submissives to take it slow and helping others to see red flags.

 

A year went by and the couple began talking about including a third again. She wanted more than what her husband could give. Stating she needed more emotional connection. Deeper intimacy. 

After speaking with him, he stated his concern over her desire for a 'performance' in their intimacy. She wanted things to be just so.

He voiced his trepidation over adding a third.....and as a friend I encouraged him to sit with if he truly felt he was poly. If it is what he wanted or was it what he wanted to give her? Either choice was not wrong..... whatever he chose was ok. He confided in me that he wanted her happiness. And felt this was his only option. In my true fashion I asked him about his happiness. Does he deserve to be heard? What about what YOU want? Because you are allowed.

The difficult conversations between them were had. She too came to the realization that she really was not poly by the definition that she had subscribed to in the past.

They were left with a very difficult choice. End a 30 year marriage so she could find what she was looking for in a partner......or continue with both of them feeling unmet and unsafe.

 

They both agreed to an amicable separation. They were very good friends, and they always would be. They discussed everything from how navigating this new space would look moving forward, to when would this all take place.

They both agreed to not date anyone while they were still together.

They both agreed that she would get all of her healthcare needs taken care of while still on his insurance.

They both agreed he would pay off all their debts currently to give her the cleanest start possible.

They agreed that within 3 months she would have a job, a new place and an agreed upon $750 a month alimony from him.

 

See, she has not worked in quite some time. She stayed at home and raised their son. Homeschooling him. Taking care of the house. Making a home.

Their son is now 28. They would not have to worry about custody on any level.

 

Shortly after they agreed to separate she asked to have a conversation with me after our return from fishing one afternoon. In this conversation she proceeded to tell me she had feelings for me and wanted to know how I felt for her. I assured her I felt nothing but friendship for her because I stated from the outset of our communications that I would NOT engage in ANY emotional conversations. Most certainly not about any of my own on any level. It is a boundary I hold for myself with ANY woman.

 

Now I would like the reader to note something......this conversation happened in HIS home. While he was asked to stay in the bedroom so she could have this moment of privacy. She also dropped on me that she had been feeling this way towards me for approximately 9 months prior to this revelatory conversation.

 

I succinctly told her I felt nothing for her other than friendship. That I would never express to her any feelings I had around anything because I believe that is a recipe for disaster. That if she could not control her emotions please tell me and the friendship would end. I did not wish to see her struggle. 

 

This was on a Saturday. On Monday I called my friend and apologized to him for any disrespect he felt I may have caused him. And honestly asked him if there is ANY thing I have done that would have been unbecoming. I reiterated the importance of he and my friendship and assured him I had no feelings whatsoever for his wife. He assured me he did not believe I was anything but honorable and transparent and he believed it was simply his wife's desire for that elusive 'more'.

 

6 weeks later she reached out to communicate with me as we had always and asked if I would have some time after fishing this weekend to simply have a brief chat. As she put it, "Nothing major." She reached out on a Thursday. I did not respond until Friday morning. On Saturday afternoon again her husband was relegated to the bedroom and this time she professed her love for me. That the 6 week distance only made those emotions more pronounced. She expressed how upset she got that I did not respond until Friday morning. How she had figured I just kind of blew her off. I pointedly told her that is a red flag. She should not allow herself to be feeling ANY kind of way towards a man she truly does not know, let alone while she is married and living under her husband's roof!!!

She proceeded to try to convince me we would be great together and how she wanted to be my slave (trying to play on my ego). I told her no. Period. That just because I feel like strangling my coworkers sometimes does not mean I act on those emotions! And this is a case where the same truth applies!!!

We parted that afternoon and have not talked since.

 

 

At this moment i want the reader to hear my heart here.

I think she is a good person. 

I am not here to crucify or vilify her. She is a human being that is hurting and lost. That's all. She deserves and gets my empathy for the pain she is operating under. I know some of what she feels and why.....I have navigated spaces just like it.....of course from a dominants and male perspective. I write these things because I believe it is important for others to see what pain looks like. And how in that pain our actions can destroy us and the individual we purport we desire to be.

 

She was a leader in the community. Respected. Valued for her wise encouragement of other submissives to take their time. To be choosy and not rash. 

She left her post as the submissive groups leader of her own free will and determination around the same time her husband and her decided to get divorced. She felt she needed the time to focus on her.

This woman purported to be demisexual. She said all the right things around being an emotionally intelligent human. She used her intellect as a way to show her value and to reiterate her boundaries and healthy limits.

 

 

That was a year ago.

 

She is still in her husband's home with no job.

She now has a dominant that is her son's age.

This dominant has recently been banned from the community for a consent violation with another submissive. She stays steadfast at his side.

Her husband gets to sit and watch her become this completely other person whom she has spoken in the past warning other submissives not to become. She has no ambition or desire to find a job, support herself, or move out. She will not file for divorce or do the things necessary to prepare for a life without her partner of the past 30 years.

He has paid off all their debt. Continues to pay all the bills, groceries etc cetera and STILL gives her an allowance. To his credit he recently got his own bank account and started having his paychecks deposited there so she can not get to it ......much to her frustration. As he puts it, "He is done funding her social life."

She goes out nearly every weekend to munches or play parties. Playing recklessly with her health and consent, with those whom she barely knows or can trust. 

 

Time and decorum would not permit me to expound upon all the ways she uses and manipulates her estranged husband. It is awful to watch.

But that is not the point of this writing......

 

This writing is to draw attention to the pain and what it causes us to do.......

 

Her stance for needing 'more' in the way of emotional connection is a lie. Her actions today prove it. Meaning, the gaslighting she has and still does to her estranged husband over his inability to be emotionally available is a crock of shit.

I know this man. I have spent 4 years getting to know him. He is not an emotional powerhouse by any stretch of the imagination and he will tell you so. But that's just it!!! He will tell you so!!! THATS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE!!! He knows himself. VERY well. He is more emotionally intelligent than he gives himself credit for. He is very wise. INCREDIBLY kind hearted and patient. I have RARELY met a man who is so emotionallly available as he is.

Imagine how challenging it must be for him. She has drilled into him that he is not emotionally available. So much so that he has believed it! He has, in the past, accepted that HE is the reason why they needed a third. And why she wants a divorce (which oddly enough she says today is his decision. More gaslighting and projecting).

And I would like the reader to notice......this is what pain looks like within ourselves. She is SO scared to look at herself she projects. She has done so for possibly decades. It appears innocent enough. It shows up as simply a need that she determines her husband cannot fulfil. When he has absolutely tried to meet her as she outlines she desires....she moves the goal post and he is still a failure.

It reminds me of Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown......."Come on Chuck. I won't do it again. You've got this." As she pulls the football away once more.

Rather than admit her husband is so emotionally in tune that he was getting too close to her and that caused her panic, she creates a fiction where no one can possibly measure up. Because the second a person gets close to doing so the goal post is moved. 

 

"That is good but I also need......."

 

Something she has said on repeat to her husband.

 

You see, when they first got together 30 years ago he was a very detached man. He had some AWFUL things happen to him that bruised him so horribly that he withdrew. He became an unfeeling-cold-asshole. So much so she threatened to leave (and did for a while) 10 years ago. Since then he has crawled back with help from Emotions Anonymous, a 12 step program for the emotionally challenged. He is not close to the man he was back then. In the 4 years I have known him he has only grown as I have witnessed him!!

 

The point?

She chose him because of his emotional immaturity those 30 years ago. He was safe. He did not expose or press on all that which she does not want to look at. And today he does.

 

If she wanted to truly look at her pain as she purports she wants and says she does she would begin by realizing her actions and how they are affecting those around her.

 

When she professed her love to me......not once did she take into consideration how that profession would make me feel. How it would affect me. How it would make her husband feel. How it would affect him. How it would make Amethyst feel. How it would affect her. She saw someone in front of her that she felt would distract, manage, take control of, fix, stop that pain. And we all know.....that is an inside job. Nothing external will make that pain cease. 

 

You know how I know???

 

Because if it could, we would interact with that thing once and our pain would no longer exist. 

And we all know that's not real.

We would get drunk/high/ BDSM/online games/online chat/work/shopping/exercise WHATEVER just once and then no longer have to do it.

The honesty is......our pain remains. And because anything we extend our focus to so intently as our savior because it 'makes us feel good' in a moment that does not last is so enticing.....we continue.

 

Her actions today prove it.

All the things she warned other submissives about for 7 years not to do she is doing today. Ignoring all the red flags. Getting lost in sub-frenzy. Ignoring others in an attempt to just stop the pain.

 

Is she evil? NO!

 

She is human.

I absolutely know I have done the same thing in the past. This is NOT a judgement on her. I actually feel great sorrow for her. Because I know some of what she is feeling. I know how lonely it is. How unwilling you can be to look in the mirror. How scary it is to not know how to stop and find a safe space to navigate this pain. How terrifying it is to even consider looking at the pain even if you did have a safe space!

 

We ALL have those things we are frightened to look at. I am honestly no exception.

 

What I hope we take away from this writing is what fear can do to us. I have not used that word yet in this writing and it was intentional. I have used pain as it's substitute. Because the result of our fear is pain. Pain within ourselves. Pain that we subject those around us to when we do not resolve to navigate our fears.

I have caused pain in Amethyst and my connection because I was too afraid to navigate my fear of trust. That pain was not such that it threatened our dynamic. Gratefully we are aware enough to have those crunchy conversations and work together to support one another as we navigate our fears. And it sucks!!!! 

But the alternative is what???

 

30 years from now, if left unchecked, that fear grows into a monster that controls us and we feel out of control with.

 

That is not to say that fear is impossible to be navigated! 

 

Something I have noticed with fear that I would like to leave you with as an encouragement:

 

We all feel so overwhelmed by our internal pain at times. Like it is insurmountable. Or we have no clue where to begin. Fear can absolutely feel like a monster we cannot overcome. But it only takes one action. One step towards bravery. One courageous choice to stop the cycle. It maybe that you have no clue where to start.....that is ok. It only matters that you do! Because YOUR peace is worth it!!!!

 

Can you imagine the hell she must be in internally????? How scared and how much running within from herself she is doing??

 

While where you are may not be the same. While you may comfort yourself with the thought that, "at least I am not living that life in my pain." Are there other areas where you run and hide into things that 'make you feel better' but never truly bring you peace??

 

 

Conversely, my friend, while in deep obvious pain. 

Sits and supports his wife in the safest way for himself he knows how.

He does not go out and seek the solace of another woman's arms. 

He does not go out to the bars. 

Or take drugs.

Or gets lost online.

Or works himself to death.

 

He comes to me, and others, and speaks his pain. He courageously takes a step and bravely says, "I am in pain and I am afraid." It does not heal the pain, that is not the point of courage. But it DOES bring healing. 

 

 

How can YOU begin to heal today????

 

If I can encourage you, please, for YOU, find someone you trust to hold a safe space for you and speak your pain. Give a voice to your fears. It will not solve them, but it WILL be a courageous act that shows your fear you no longer wish to be controlled by it.

 

We say all the time, "Communication in a relationship is vital and the key." This is just one reason why! A very important reason!

 

 

I truly hope each of you finds your voice and peace today!!!

 

 

 

Namaste

 

 

 

Drago and Amethyst 

 

 

 

Trust is a funny thing.

We earn it. We give it. We build it. We share it. We lose it. We jeopardize it. We appreciate it. Yet, we know and understand very little about how much we need it.

I am guilty of trusting very little. In ways that I have not even understood.

I have not trusted others enough with the truth to speak it.

I have not trusted others enough with who I am to be myself.

I have not trusted others to understand so I did not share.

I have not trusted others intentions so I decided, before I really ever knew them, that they were not worthy to be believed and taken at face value.

I have not trusted the kindness of others, I saw manipulation around every corner.

I have not trusted others with my heart, when they have not proven a reason why I should not.

I have recognized within myself......my mistrust or desire not to is my fear.

Fear of my own life.

Fear that I will not survive the hurt, pain, loss, betrayal, misunderstandings, difference of ideas because of my ego.

Fear that I will be wrong and have to shift what I believed to be honest.

Fear that I will get to grow and it will be in an uncertain, uncontrollable way.

Fear of not knowing.

Fear of loss of control, that to be honest, I never had anyways.

Those of us who seek a deep rooted connection within our dynamics often desire love, devotion, passion, loyalty, respect, admiration, friendship, validation, even acceptance. I have come to witness how much of what I seek must be trusted. I have believed that the simple desiring of love will therefore bring me such. I have believed that if love looked like xyz it was honest and therefore true.

What happens when what we desire or what we believe love is looks different than what we think it should?

Does love cease to exist for us?

For myself, I have found pieces within me that rebel against the idea of love looking any different than what feels “safe” to me. Safety, it seems, became a combination of ideals, actions and accountability that kept me from facing my fears. Specifically, the fear of trusting others.

Love, in my lens, unconditional love, is about no fear. It is total trust. Submissives can resonate with this idea heavily I believe. Because it is wound up in surrender. Surrender of what you “think” is the truth in exchange of what you “trust” is the truth. The two are diametrically opposing ideas.

In this I have found failure within myself. Because I sought safety over the willingness to trust.

Trust, in part, is the extension of faith towards another. Because we can NEVER quantify in total the heart of anyone else. Oh, we do our best. Vetting. Time. Patience. Deliberate, intentional, focused witnessing of another person’s character. Still........our fears often do not allow us to trust someone. We express we want, need, desire open-connective-devoting love yet we do not trust enough to feel it. To receive it.

Trust is more than what another person does or does not do.

More than what they do or do not say.

More than the longevity of witnessed character of another person.

Trust, is about ourselves.

When we wrestle to feel loved by someone........that is NOT about someone else’s ability, or lack thereof, to be trustworthy (certainly not always anyways). It is about our unwillingness to trust that we are okay to be loved by someone else as they express it. We lack an acceptance of their love because we do not trust we deserve it. So we, even in small ways, do not receive it. Which in turn keeps from us the feeling of connectivity and depth of that connection elusive. Somewhere out there beyond us to be discovered.......while simultaneously being something right in front of us.

When we struggle to believe someone is there for us, cares about us, desires to wrestle with us and authentically love us and they have proven time and time again that real, honest truth of their love that struggle is NOT about them needing to do more, give more, be more, in this way or that way..........it is about OUR failure to trust that we are safe. Safe to let them in. Safe to believe in them.

What is the worst that can happen by trusting another? We end up in the same space we have found ourselves in the past. Tired. Hurt. Jaded even. We struggle to allow another person’s actions not be about us. We struggle to separate out what they do that harms us from what did we do wrong that allowed them to do that harm? Sometimes, dare I say most times(?), another person’s actions have very little to do with us. It is often about their fear. Their insecurity. Their inability to trust.

Example:

In the past I have lied to people because “I” could not trust that the person with whom I would be honest would act in a way that I wanted. A way that made me feel safe. I would lie to them to appease them.....keep them happy with me. The truth, while honest, would have meant POSSIBLY they would not be happy with me. Or I would be admonished by them for whatever truth I had to share that they MAY not like. “I” decided for them what their response would be so I did not have to face the uncomfortability of expressing a truth that MAY leave me standing in that truth alone. Better to lie and have “someone” than to speak the truth and have “no one”. All of that born from MY fear. Fear of abandonment. Fear of being alone. Fear of trusting that whatever the other persons’ response may be they are allowed and I get to live in my character of speaking the truth no matter what. How that is received and dealt with on the other side is NOT mine. I do not need to feel threatened or afraid to speak the truth simply because someone MAY be hurt, or MAY lash out, or MAY not like that truth. What another person feels about the truth is theirs to navigate. It has ZERO to do with me, nor does it shift the truth from being honest in comparison to the alternative of a lie.

When I tapped into the honesty of my inability to control the response of another it frees me from fearing that response. It allows me to trust that regardless of their response I will be just fine.

Why?

Because I am living with character. Honesty. Integrity.

By deceiving and hiding the truth I become duplicitous, fraudulent, an unhealthy living out of my existence that shows not only my character, but my fear and lack of trust. Which then also makes me untrustworthy. The very thing I seek to attain in connection dies at my own hands, because I allowed fear to cause me to mistrust that which I have no control over anyway.

Trust is a funny thing.

We, more often than not, are the reason we do not last in relationships. We shift the lens onto others a lot, but, if we do a search within ourselves honestly we may discover there is an awful lot more that can be done on our part to nurture the well-being and health of those dynamics by taking accountability for that which we fail to trust.

Life is a risk. Always will be.

On our last day no one will talk about the risks we did not take or the way in which we failed. However, we may end up living in regret if we do not truly make the choice to actually live by taking the risk to seize the possibility of reward.

Yes, we may fall. It can hurt, no doubt.

It can also teach us to be more. Teach us to be smarter. Teach us to be better at how we trust and love. Teach us to release the fear that controls us to embrace hope.

How we face our fears is how we love. Either afraid and courageous, or scared and mistrusting. That choice is ours alone. Whichever we choose is what we bring to us. Is what we nurture and have.

 

Either trust and love..........

Or

Fear and co-dependency.......

Neither can exist where the other is.

 

What do you choose for you?

 

 

 

I pray you find your solace, comfort, direction and purpose today.

 

 

Namaste

 

 

Drago and Amethyst