The Belly

First started in kink during my Army tour in Germany. Now, I've officially been a civilian for a year. Got the house (no roommates or pets), car, business, and Harley. I guess a part of me thought a submissive would appear from the depths of my accomplishments. Wishful thinking, but you never know. 

I went back over the advice of all my mentors about "getting/being ready," preparing for the future, staying open to new possibilities, while solidifying my foundation to support and guide. They were talking about marriage, I was talking about my romantic life in general.

I completed all my milestones and am now focusing my time on BDSM. Weird time, I know. I set this plan in motion when I realized that time was the only thing people wasted, complained about not having, then stole from others without any consideration. So instead of a backhanded dive into distractions, I decided to sit down with this. Reached out to friends, went online, had Tinder, browsed the Cage. Had some fun and a couple of good runs, and I'm choosing not to go down the negative thought route. I am looking for who is going to be mine. 

I have my shit together...is what I tell myself to just get through. I focus on the basics and proper breathing. I worked my way up from nothing and I want a woman who likes, appreciates, and supports that part of me, in and out of the bedroom. I will do the same in kind. 

Not for a night before you run back to your ex. Not for a week before your schedule gets "crazy." If your life is in shambles, stay away from me. I have learned that if someone's life circumstances are inconsistent, most likely, so are they. 

_____

If you're reading this, and you're a submissive with her shit together, good posture, and takes care of herself...I'm waiting for you. I have prepared, waited patiently, given freely, learned from my past experiences, and have the time + space to train and guide the perfect sub for me. 

I will not judge you for your past or flaws. I will call you on your shit. I will not be a scapegoat, extra wallet, or emotional whipping post. 

I will care for you during and after scenes. I will not accept inconsistency or illegal activity. 

I am aiming for a dynamic where we both have our goals/careers/travel plans aligned. This will eventually lead to a 24/7 dynamic. 

____

While some may say the wait is unbearable. Just accept some of you may die alone. Especially if you're being lazy about your search and self-care. 

I'm enjoying the quiet, but not the isolation. I'm over my phases of being on the hunt. I am actively searching for her. Hell, you may even know someone.

I want some coffee and then I'll hit the gym. 

 

Have a good day.  

 

 

 

My best friend and spiritual advisor are trying poly with a man (John) she has known most of her life. They were both under the mistaken impression that they could do this because they both had the basics, had years of connectivity, and both wanted to try something new. Upon introducing new partners, the man found women who wanted something long term, while my friend kept finding men who just wanted sex. They chose to handle this by attacking what they perceived to be a threat. Instead of conceding ground and supporting their partner while being transparent about fears, partners, goals, and just how much they don't know. 

The story continues. John's two partners are 1. an older kinkster who is in an open marriage 2. a younger porn star and socialite. 

While Spirit Lady had 25 messages an hour coming in from the Cage, Tinder, and Bumble. 

Being the voice for poly in this conversation. I knew this wasn't an equation for happiness.

A stubborn monogamy minded woman + John who just wants people to be happy + a lack of awareness + whoever they might be dating at the time DOES NOT equal a stable poly relationship. That's just a mixed bag of bad vibes and confusion. After the breakup talks, John is visibly shaken and asks "what did I gain from that?" My friend attacked this. Only to realize John asked that question BEFORE they were officially dating. So...now...she's mad, he's emotionally isolated, and the competition is trying their best to get him back. 

Better make it a two on two decision, instead of a three on one, women vs men decision. 

End result. At my friend's behest, John chose her. BUT upon having a stressful breakup convo with two women, my friend chose to give John an ultimatum. Break up with those two or I'm leaving. 

Rewind. If you want a man to do something, then they do it. Is it in your better interests to threaten them with loneliness and isolation if ....what....they don't do what you already asked?

I advised my friend to support her goals. Life is about transactions, what you get, and what you give. She wants this one guy in a relationship where they both try kink. That one guy is doing what she asks and is trying to be in a relationship with just her. Now....the perfect thing to add to this is threats. Clearly.

I further advised: The next time he has doubts, sit in his lap and give him a beer. Look him in the eye and have a positive moment. It could be sex, a walk, reading together. Cement the FACT that you are the better option, instead of angrily preaching the theory of it.

In Leadership Training, my career mentor advised me (when managing people) "Don't be just another source for stress and confusion. People naturally run from stress and confusion." Just paying it forward. 

My friend laughs. She hates this. She didn't think she would have to fight this hard if at all, to get what she wanted in a situation where her thoughts of personal worth, connection, and intimacy would be at risk of being fractured, stressed, and/or expanded. We hugged, I told her about my recent bout with monogamy. I told her to OWN her process. The selfish and broken parts of her included. If you're going all in, go all in.

"Keep playing games in these streets, and you will end up under them." ---Uncle David. RIP 2004

She's trying poly and going for monogamy. I'm in a monogamous relationship, going back to my roots in poly.

____

I was in a monogamous relationship that ended recently. We met online. She was curious about BDSM but hadn't really practiced it. She had a corporate job, her own car, place, dog, and family backing. Covered everything my mother could drill and burn to the ground (she loves me).

In the beginning, I was a poly dom, working in adult film and casually dating who I wanted. Well...that came to a stop. 

As my relationship grew, other things were slowly eliminated. Then a few months later, I was miserable, hadn't had sex in weeks, quit making $$$ in AF, barefoot in my kitchen, texting (while cooking) when she would make it home for dinner. COVID cost me my security clearance, so I'm in limbo until the Fed hires me back. 

Her job became more stressful, I got COVID on Thanksgiving, and then hoes started hitting me up to cuff up for the holidays. 

I found myself in a mindstate where I was lonely in my house, staring at the floor, telling myself "just don't talk to other women and it will work out."

Which was similar to the mindstate I had on deployment "Just keep my head down and it should work out."

At the time, she had helped me pay rent, got me through the VA case management process, drove me to my rehabilitation appointments, and more. I was watching her dog every day, cooking healthy meals all day, and cleaning/doing laundry. Obviously, life put us here, I didn't aspire to this situation. We had tangible benefits and for a time, had personal and logical reasons to be together. 

We were not doing anything substantial to support the inside aspects of each other or our relationship. We were so busy handling the rest of our lives. Which I will note, could be a motivating factor for why people on here are trying to stuff as much of their lives into BDSM. See previous posts. 

The breakup wasn't even that. Since the intimacy had died slowly over weeks, this was more of a formality. Which made it easier for us to be friends. I admitted that she taught me some valuable life lessons, helped me through depression, and apologized for overloading her with everything from my job, family, and contractor life at war. She told me to call her. We have plans. 

She revealed some things I didn't know before. 1. she never had been in a successful poly relationship, only bad monogamous ones. 2. She didn't like or respect other women much. 3. Between work, her dog, and family, she wants her love life to be easily managed and engaged with. And just doesn't have it in her, at this point in life, to learn new ways to connect/expand, while taking the good and bad of new partners. 

Then we both saw I was becoming more miserable, she was becoming more unhappy, and her dog was mad that the river of snacks had dwindled. 

I conceded. We made plans to grab beers later. We still talk

I am now reflecting back on all my monogamous relationships. Speaking specifically on the classic Christian monogamy practiced in America. You know the one, with the diamond ring and a legal contract with the state...not God. Always had an issue with mainstream religion. It seems that a bunch of perverts who like to play with kids made laws on who gets what when people sign contracts. Land, slaves, women, money, crops.

The sunrise wakes me up. It throws bolts of sunlight through my blinds and my man cave of blankets, cannabis, and snacks. 

Last night, I took the chamomile tea with WIllie's Reserve Indica. Out like a light. 

Good thing I laid out a tray of fruit and bread last night. I am so good to me. Thank you to myself as well, that man be putting in work. 

 

I stroll into my kitchen. My shoulders are wrapped in a microfiber blanket, thick lumberjack socks adorn my feet, and I finally found my old baggie beanie to wear. I hear bells. There's a family in a horse-drawn carriage passing by outside my window. All I can think of are all of the people who would hate to be up at 6 am, in winter, to ride in an open carriage. Sadri would snarl, her family is from the islands, she does not play that BS.

I keep my phone off and open my laptop. I'm dedicated to keeping the noise out of today. To reconnect with people after the holiday fever has died out. 

Social media and news don't interest me much, fuck around and find out Obama got kidnapped. I can't handle that emotional stress right now. 

I see messages pop up on the cage. Mostly stall for time texts and questions about poly. I'll find someone more interested in feeding me than their own demons. That will take some time. I've had a few women who were healthily obsessed with me. For one, I will compliment them for keeping the beast in check. It felt good to have someone want and need me but didn't make me feel used. They wanted to capture and add to my life, not take away pieces of me in order to control and take away from my life. The difference is like night and day once emotional awareness sets in. I chuckle over my tea about times when I couldn't make this distinction. Blindly grabbing at every text and notion of opportunity. "Maybe," "I just don't feel like.." "If only I could feel better about.." "You have met my standards, I'm just really picky"

They all translate to: It's not going to work. 

The carriage comes back around. I take notice that there are two fewer people in it. God, I'm good. 

Throwing the skillet onto the stove, I feel like cinnamon french toast and a scramble would be a good start to the day. Coffee is already brewing. 

Two exes and a former playmate send me friend requests on Facebook. I delete both. 

A notification pops up. A new message in my college email. I click it open. It's Donna. She's going to be taking some finance cert class. 

Which means, she moved here? Oh....well this changes things. 

I hear the Streetfighter announcer: "A New Challenger..."

I was just contemplating saving up for the next year and moving to Thailand or South America in July. Should I start working on finding a sub who would like to travel with me? Meh...on the road is not the place to find out glitches in the dynamic. We should be settled for at least 6 months before going. I have some friends in Thailand. I'll be there for a year or two then I'll move to Vietnam then the Philippines. Whichever one is best is where I'll hang the hat at. Rented a 3 bedroom house in the countryside for 200 bucks a month. I'll build a canoe to paddle upriver to the local market. 

Honestly, if Donna could work things out with me, it would be awesome. She has the home-field advantage over other females. Tan is already in Thailand. Those two would get along. It's just Tan's schedule is crazy now that...well that's for another blog. 

For those who haven't tried remote life, it isn't as barbaric as you might think. We have wifi, running water, heating, and A/C. The local market meets most of our food needs. If you want the fancy snacks, head up to the gas station. The food is raw and heavy. I miss old Mama-san, she should be 72 by now. And she makes the best chocolate covered mango pancakes on this planet. A faint thought of nagging paranoia hits me. What if she dies before I go back. Then I realized........I've never heard of a Thai woman dying from old age. They are immortal beings. 

The last time I was in Thailand, I met a submissive at the beach, she was Thai and Swedish, she was on vacation with the family. It was a lucky night to find someone like her. We chose to drop pretenses, you could have sworn we had been together for years. You know the connection is solid when you can show someone your inner child and your inner grand parent. 

Merry Christmas to all. I think I'll stay in for New Years' also.

The house is empty. The neighbors have put their kids to bed. It's Christmas Eve with clear blue skies and the sun is shining well past 4 pm.

It's late winter, but I am going to count my blessings while I have them. 

Everyone is out flying around the country, deployed for jobs, or visiting family. I have no plans and no company. 

Just enjoying the still quiet that is only interrupted by the oven and the dryer.  

I decided to skip buying Christmas gifts. As the weeks to Christmas ticked down, I watched people devolve into greed, stress, debt, and conflict. 

An astounding amount of people hit me up in November. 

Cousins.....who I have never met. 

Exes.....freshly single and feeling nostalgic. 

Friends....eager to drown sorrows and memories in alcohol. 

New Interests....sending one-word texts with a pre-formed response that they were waiting for you to hit them up. 

___________

There is a difference between emotional depth and emotional capacity. 

If emotions were physical strength. I'm talking about the difference between a tai chi master and a bodybuilder. 

**I light my pipe. Dani brought me some tobacco leaf from the Amazon. I mix it with cannabis and enjoy the feverish kick that hits my face and lungs. 

Two texts have my phone light up my face in the afternoon shadow of my living room. It's Teresa. She apologizes for ghosting me. I delete the text before reading the rest. The second text is from an old Army friend. We talk for a bit. The Rough Rider Group after 5 years. Two dead, one is an addict, the strongman is deployed in Iraq, I'm injured, and old Moon Dog is still in the Army about to be a Drill Sgt. I tell him I'm proud of him. He was always the best of all of us. Not in a superior/inferior standard of meaning, but in that he just learned from our life lessons and continued to be friends after his success. 

___

Letting this entire battleship of festive holiday experiences pass me by on the waters of time and creation.......has let me fall in love with the idea of peaceful days. The oven beeps, I'm baking sweet potatoes in maple sugar and cayenne pepper. Looking out the window, couples are running left and right into the nearby park. A young couple splinters into a quiet argument. I can't help but notice the woman has a very nice ass. To which the guy points and shouts something. She walks off. 

I open up my Macbook over the kitchen counter and let a couple of motivational videos play. I like to boost the vibe while I cook.

It's usually trap hip hop, a speech music video, or jazz. 

I fire up... the electric face stove, prep, and oil the skillet, then threw in kale, eggs, butternut squash, cabbage, rice, and Brussel sprouts. On my life, I never thought I would willingly buy, cook, and eat Brussel sprouts. But I have eaten my body weight in sugar the past couple of weeks so blood sugar control is on the mend. Apple cider vinegar will be next up.....AFTER desert. It's Christmas Eve, best believe I'm going HAM on this apple pie.

I want coffee. I decide to have a smoothie. Orange, banana, and strawberries. Seems like plants would be more compatible with plants. 

.....I stop. The Devil on my shoulder sits down, and says "Bruh...coffee is a plant."

Mind....BLOWN. I nod in humbled silence. 

The angel on my shoulder replies "So is this." Then lights a blunt (Willies Reserve Green Caffeine) and hands it to me.

A balm and solace against the burn from earlier. 

I hear the neighbors screaming at their kids from the car that they are going to be late. Traffic is BOOMING. You would swear one of the most impactful diseases known in American history....wasn't lurking around every corner. 

I had COVID on Thanksgiving, recently tested negative again. Even though there are rare cases of reinfection, I can feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. More than a few contractors had to admit that they are at high risk. Which in turn lost them their job opportunities. Case and point, usually you can't deploy as high risk or immunocompromised. If you test positive, it's 60 to 90 days for the test results to reach the recruiter, corporate, on-ground management, flight team management, and more. So to recap, I lost my job, clearance, spent most of my savings, helped out a few people along the way, and now I'm pending cases and applications. 

Ok...good pep talk. Enough about work. The holidays just have me reminiscing and getting the itch to go out and make some money. I'm still waiting on my workman comp claim. Now reading articles that say it took a minimum of two years....before COVID. So.....fuck. Going to have to go back to college, but I have a math placement test tomorrow. 

You know what? I'll turn this into a self-development day. ALL DAY tomorrow, I'm gonna study math. Then take that stupid test. Probably bomb it and then get whatever degree I can. Damn, that's nerdy. I take a hit of Green Caffeine and toss a CBD treat in the air. Took 3 weeks but I mastered Jackie Chan's gumdrop wall toss. 

__

My spiritual advisor is 5'4, long black hair, compassionate alpha type, raised in a temple before immigrating to the states. All she does is eat right, meditate, and work out. She fine AF. If there was an opportunity to date this woman, it would be scary at first, but I would take it. Even knowing it was doomed to fail after 8 months. My thoughts go back to BDSM. My spiritual advisor calls to ask about canceled plans. She advised against me downloading the Co-star astrology app. In the middle of it, I cracked a joke about how she broke my heart a few days earlier. We went soaking in the hot tub downtown, she invited a female friend.

In the half-hour we were alone (before a said friend arrived), I decided to tell her straight to her face. The truth. If those cheeks can get clapped, let me give my standing ovation. She tells me what I already know. I boldly replied: "Give me the top 3 reasons you think it won't work (for 8 months), I'll see what I can do."

She sits back into the hot tub wall. Her pose is confident and compassionate. She looks like she's about to tell me that even though she knows I have kids and a sick mother, she has to lay me off from the company. 

Number 1: You're a man. 

The bedrock of logical thinking in my heart takes a heavy impact. Fractures are evident. Internal damage most likely. 

Number 2: We are not fully compatible. She's a rebel vegan spiritualist. I'm a former US government contractor. 

Internal temperature is critical. We are losing this fight. Mayday. Mayday. 

Number 3: ......

Ego defenses activated. Trauma blocked. 

_____

Thinking back to BDSM. I watch the cannabis smoke sneak out of my room into the hallway. I got a Molekule air purifier. So it won't make it far. 

For all the messages, blogs, comments, and chats that I typed and read, I feel like I missed out on something. Something complimentary in value, but vital in the market of dating today. I skim through another set of blogs and forums that are filled with frustration and disappointment. There are a couple of gems to smile at, I send a message or two. I think back to the spider battle. Anna, my sub at the time, would probably just grill me and then let her imagination free roam on the strings of delicate and deeply personal questions. 

I make some tea and tuck myself into bed. The kitchen is clean. This is so fucking nice. 

 

 

 

My life coach suggested that I'm at a point in my life where I can work on the things I compartmentalized over the years. Since now that I'm back from war, it may be more than just those memories that are surfacing in my nightmares. I have moved into being a complete human being. Without secrets, or needs for pretense and dramatic obstacles. Lo and behold, after Thanksgiving, my father emerges. 

My father was a cruel man who used half-assed military psychological techniques to gaslight and mentally abuse anyone who came around him. He tried to dominate his environment through fear and intimidation; maybe this was the only version of "respect" he has ever known. Hate to admit it, but many of my insights for what NOT to do in a relationship/friendship comes from him. 

After over a decade of not speaking, we reconnect and he says that all he wants is to have his current three businesses run by his children. 

He says many of his insults were meant to inspire and motivate me. I asked him about when he covered for his oldest son, my shitbag brother, being a molester and rapist. Or when my father tried to discourage and beat the idea of me running track. He lied to me, told me I wasn't good enough, that he was shocked I was even accepted. He told me this, at random, over dinner, 2 months AFTER I already had gone to state and won an MVP trophy. Both were in my backpack during his speech. I never trusted the words from an older black man after that. 

Boots and fists were his ways of talking with me about my future after I turned 18. Bet that garage door still has my blood on it. 

"Wall to wall counseling" is what he called it. I lost it when he tried that on my younger sister. 

___

Present-day. During the call with my father...I felt nothing at first, then the temperature started to rise. Remembering the times he would wake me up by stuffing ice in my mouth and underwear. Which of course made me remember the perverse interests of my shitbag older brother. Every day, we would fight about how my mother screwed him over, if only he hadn't married her, and if only I could be better at football and grades. I always hated playing football. Actually, I always was cautious of all-male environments and all masculine energy environments. My mother already showed me what is to persevere and be mentally tough, so being physically tough in a room of juveniles, gangbangers, and wannabe celebrities....just didn't appeal to me. My father was furious. Told me I was a useless nigger who would only experience negative growth. 

Backstory: My father was in the Navy for 28 years. Always bragged that he worked around Seals, without becoming one. Pushed me to graduate high school early. Put me on the street, at 17, with no car, no clothes, he "lost" my cell phone, and we never spoke about the money I saved under my bed. I just bit my tongue, I didn't have time to feel sad or self-pity. I was hungry and homeless. 

He told me if I ever got arrested, he will just hang up the phone. 17 was too young to work without paperwork, I couldn't get into Job Corps, halfway houses were full, and family wasn't answering the phone. I wore down my 2 pair of shoes within a month from all the walking. Gangs were getting their cheap thrills and entry kills by killing homeless people in their sleep. I swore I would never beg for change. I joined gang life in Tijuana Mexico to survive. 

I slaved every day and night in Tijuana. Sold my dignity and innocence for food and ammunition. My father's insults rang in my head every time before I did something I knew would destroy something vital in myself. After a few months, I built myself up from the ground. Got a car, an apartment, guns, two girlfriends......right when I started to get good at it. My mother called. 

My mother was in the Marines during my childhood. We had our falling out when I was 12 (they divorced when I was 4) and went to live with my father after. A mistake, but this is life. My mother was hard on me every day, spanked but never beat me, took me a while to realize that. After the divorce, my mother remarried and moved to NY. 

When she found out what I was becoming. She reached out, encouraged me to join the Army. Got a train ticket to NY from San Diego. Didn't hug me when I arrived. And gave serious thought to me joining Aviation instead of Combat Arms. I was self-destructive and hell-bent on hurting the world, but I couldn't say no to my mother. So I joined Aviation and it turned out to be the best thing for my life, career, and education. 

____

I wanted to just write that down. It was bugging me and affecting the energy in a budding BDSM dynamic. Which after some thought, we both decided it wasn't a right fit. I realize that my father never had this skill. To reflect, look back on and learn from his mistakes, and to give that turn around to someone he hurt. 

He would always make himself the center. As in, he loved bragging and sending threats about how much people in the family needed him. How essential yet independent he was. How much people should invest emotionally and financially into respecting him and his vision for all of our futures. I noticed that he only spoke of legacies and inheritance to me during the threat part of the conversation. I never believed one word, but it still hurt.

I can see myself actively trying to prevent doing this kind of damage to someone else. I worked for years to raise my mental and emotional awareness. To heal and discipline instead of hardening and abuse. 

Obviously, I declined to join my father's new empire. He is only speaking to me now after finding out I was contracting in Iraq for the last three years. 

He keeps talking over the vibe as if he owns the conversation. As if I am to submit...again. I feel that cold dark creeping through my lungs. I snapped and said some things I wish I hadn't, but I'm glad I did. 

In response, of all the concepts and words available, he chose to call me a "Momma's Boy." Spoke at length about how my mother was promiscuous during her younger years. Insulted her memory, looks, and how she performed as a mother. This was not expected. Honestly, I understood every villain and hero who said they were disappointed when they saw the true state of mind in their lesser rivals. 

____

I started a list of the things my mother did for me. Even when I lashed out at her. Even after we had fallen out after falling out. 

She took me in when I had nothing and never asked for a dime in my ENTIRE life. Bought me a jeep. Took me to England on July 4th (a huge thing for me when I joined the Army). She wasn't perfect. She had me at 19, while in the Marines, and had to grow up while raising me.

++Side note: I remember when I was small, my mother was approached by someone trying to jack the car. He had a friend. My mother threw it down. Fists, teeth, and feet. There was no clear sign that she would lose. I stood there and cheered as these men stepped back with mouths and ears bleeding.  It was a rush to see her winning. To see SOMEONE, anyone winning in this world. She fell back against the car, they walked off. 

My father was 33 when he met my mother, who was 18 and just joined the military. I'm a fan of age just being a number, and people finding lasting connections across any distance/boundary. It's just that I read my mother's diaries. And combining that with what I know of military life. My father was a predator who mentally manipulated and took advantage. 

My mother responded with divorce, remarrying, moving away, and getting child support. Actions that I believed were the cause of the family tearing apart. Partly because my mother NEVER spoke ill of my father. Ever. She also never told us the truth about my dad. Now, I can see how it protected the few facets of the family we had left. 

At this point in my life, I like who I like. I actively practice ways to avoid falling into or starting the cycles of misery and disrespect that my father reveled in. 

____

Back to the moment I snapped and said things I wish I hadn't said, but don't regret. I shared how much pain and anguish he caused during those years. How I now know how much of a pervert and sick fuck him and his firstborn son are. I was calm, quiet, and cold in my words. Tone and volume would not interfere with this message getting across. Next, I explained if you're a grown man in your 30s and you get an 18-year-old pregnant, and it turns sideways. WELL FUCKING DUH.

I understand that my mother grew into a man-eating shark. Sharks are great. They mind their business, only attack when hungry or crossed....or if you look weak and bleeding. Know how you don't get bit? Stay the fuck out of the ocean that's how. MESSAGE to all the dommes/doms out here cradle robbing. 

There are many things that I know about dating now, that if my father had just grown the fuck up and treated people like humans, he would have known and I could have learned/healed from. Not putting the sole blame on another for my self-development, just noting how things could have gone. It's fun to imagine right?

++realization: Having watched many young men get addicted to video games. myself included. I remembered the hours, days, and weeks of collected time that I spent angrily screaming at strangers to kill imaginary aliens on a time limit. Being stressed...but trying to enjoy it. While paying more money, time, and effort. Then filled with rage upon seeing that the methods for communication that I had fashioned and honed in one environment would not work in another. What if life and having children was my father's post-video-game life. His life before my mother was just yell at people and things got done. Even before he joined the military. 

I do not want to see aspects of my father's mistreatment of women and relationships, leak into my BDSM life. Having said that, I am seeing a lot of people in the BDSM community (new and otherwise) trying to stuff as much of their life experiences, trauma, ideas, and above/beyond desires into every dynamic they come across. Without having fully healed from whatever they went through before. Or proactively try to heal that pain in another. Having admitted and learned from what is listed above. It is easier to see who has not done this kind of work and those who don't need to at this point in their life. 

That may be all that's keeping them going. They may find a dynamic that lets them express and structure those energies.

Fair warning though, the other side of that fence is worth working over. The road to emotional/mental recovery is hard, daunting, painful and many times invasive/uncomfortable. I am saying it is worth it to be vulnerable, to heal from being broken, to drop the narcissism that you claim is realism, and to connect with those around who genuinely care about one's well being. 

At the moment my father responded to all this by deflecting and choosing to only insult my mother. Whom he has not seen in over 30 years. I realized that there are too many things broken in him for me to actually GET anything positive from him. I saw nothing of the man I feared when I was younger. I was expecting to be outsmarted and one move behind despite my life experiences. I solved the mystery that he wasn't hiding his intellect and planning life lessons and stability for all in the future. It's just that past abusing others and earning money, my father had no other skill sets.

__

I remember screaming and wrecking my house. The conversation was not what I was mad about. It was the surging amount of disappointment. Metallic bile builds up in my chest. It freezes and shatters. I feel that furnace melting the pieces down. I can not believe that THIS is what I feared. You couldn't be a good father, at least be a good enemy. My sense of honor keeps drinking and says: "I would have rather we fought and he killed me instead of this."

My inner "hero" was tearing his own eyes out. We trained for years, suppressed all those evil intentions, to ride across whole continents and conquer an old rival. Only to find that their lands were barren, there's no fucking treasure vault, and my actual enemy is just a crazy old man with a crown made of bills. Fuck. 

___

My life coach hugged me when I told her all this. Invited me to her place and we soaked in her hot tub. She gave me a couple of hours to destress in private. As I floated above the jetstreams and energy recovery salt mix. I felt the chain, on that anchor of madness, snap. I close my eyes and feel the smooth glide of my vessel progressing through the waters of life.

Later, I open my eyes and she is standing over me with a blunt and a smile. She hands me cold water and the blunt. Then starts to tell me how she tried kink, chooses to block out her past trauma, and focuses on healing others as her own personal therapy. She tells me how her ex cheated on her with a 15-year-old, how her friend of 20 years turned spiteful and jealous, and how her mother is slowly slipping into dementia. 

I don't sit up, I just float and accept. I cannot do anything about these past events, and my coach is way above me in this regard. After this entire ordeal. I deep cleaned my house. Found myself waking up earlier. It's easier to study without hearing the past echo my resentments and most painful moments. 

I've moved on, for now. 

I sincerely hope everyone gets to find closure. Not the pretentious version filled with memes and "deep quotes" where one depends on time to erase the memory. No, I mean the groundwork, the progress, the struggle with madness and depression, facing the past demons and bullies, then choosing to move on. My mother taught me young that it is better to face pain and hardship instead of running from or blocking them out. I ignored her for years. Knowing I needed that anger to survive. 

Fight on humans. You will not be victorious "one day" when it's "meant to be."

We can be victorious every day that we choose to break previous cycles, and build our own.

 

The realm of dreams and the trials of existence have been at war for eons

I had a dream about that guy. 

He was all the man you thought he would be.

I beat him. 

We both moved on. 

He beat me in that too. 

———

I saw death not too long ago

A hooded figure made of cold glitches and self-reflections 

I say cold because when you see death, you will not fear it. You will understand it. Then you will run from it. 

You will scramble to baton down the hatches

Thinking whatever it is you believe is why you’re alive and should go on living 

By instinct, one will seek to defy that demanding darkness 

From that struggling.... will one will find a moment of peace?

A sliver of solace breaks across me like the first rays of that one sunrise. You know the one I’m talking about

Devoid of bravado, I say that death did not come to me with a cruel sneer and a mean grip 

No. There was a warm blanket made of my brightest moments and absolute beliefs. This blanket was split in two. One half laid at my feet. Over a piece of expanse. The other draped across my shoulders.

A boon against the cold silence of the falling night

I was then embraced by the balance as my own father cursed my existence

Death formed a mouth and asked me in my mother's voice 

“You did all that killing to kill yourself huh? “

In that moment, fueled by all we imagine, desire and fear 

I accepted that I would not give up

Now I’m laying bed and eating a bagel. 

Kind of funny how that worked out huh? 

 

Recently received a few angry messages about my tastes for ddlg. One of which started with "A real man does this..."

 

Normally, I leave the details vague to leave room for conversation and for me to learn from my mistakes. But, I'm pretty dead sure about this one.

I struggle to find a difference between DDLG and pedophilia. Distinctions and arguments can be made, but it's just not for me. 

 

I have two main platforms in my life that force me to see things from different perspectives and levels. My community of friends and my counselor. 

What makes people happy is their business. When people try to insult, bully, and nag their way into my life, I do not care for what role they want with me.

That energy is disgusting. 

If I split dating and dynamics into 3 reciprocating phases. Today's dating environment focuses on an imaginary bridge between the beginning and the third phase. 

Phase 1: Startup. The meeting. The butterflies. The intrigue. Exploring. The hunt. Attracting someone's interest. 

Phase 2: The building and maintenance. Setting boundaries, goals, budget, and lifestyle. 

Phase 3: Maintenace and Conflict resolution. 

I question if this bridge is where people choose to mull over inconsistencies, cheat, lie, pretend to be children, or escape to whenever one or both ends of the spectrum are too much. 

To put it in the words of Chen Li, "I would rather dance drunk in Limbo than work in Heaven or burn in hell."

Not my cup of tea. 

______

I was speaking with a couple earlier last week and they introduced me to two women (both late 20's with careers) who are re-entering BDSM with a specific focus on DDLG. We spoke over coffee and it went worse than I thought. 

"I'm a brat." Was the main defense for disrespectful, mischievous, or ignorant behavior.

Side note: I have helped raise real children. I don't want to date one. 

Halfway through the conversation, I realized that I usually conflict with people who enter BDSM with the intent to stop thinking, find an escape from their problems, or to in some way disable a part of themselves. They essentially want to get drunk on BDSM. Also, in this day of digital cocaine, I have seen many subs find ways to microdose on subspace. Leaving huge gaps of time where the dom is not involved. This unnatural extension usually revolved around the sub relinquishing control but not influence. 

I will be with someone who is fully aware of what they want, need, and have to offer. From the foundation of roles and dynamics that we build. Not just hope to attain. And they will choose to give that to me on a regular basis. That's real, authentic, and easier to maintain for the long run. 

When I was in the Army, video games were a vehicle of fantasies for young men. A vehicle of ideal situations where you can never die, start over from critical mistakes, and feel physical feedback whenever you do something good. 

Romantic fantasies seem to be video games for young women. With the roles of the controller, console, and type of game played interchanging. Not my kind of shindig. 

___

My mother helped me see another side to this. I have spent years of life on anti-human trafficking task forces. I have seen the glint and gleam that comes into a perverse predator's mind when they see someone new and inexperienced. One thing I hate about Hollywood is that they show most kidnappings happening violently. Coercion is one of the main ways people are victimized. This coercion usually involves meeting people who disable a part of themselves in order to have fun. There is a distinct difference between someone turning off their ability to think, versus a sub choosing to surrender conscious control to the dom. 

That entire thought train will not be on these tracks. Just gonna steer clear. 

___

So there it is, I don't like ddlg, brats, littles, or any romantic interaction between an adult and child-like mind. I think it's detrimental, uncanny, and inappropriate. But if you, within the confines of the law and with consent, have found someone willing to be vulnerable in this way with you. Good job. 

If you're trying to force your opinions into a scheme or aimed hostility at people who don't whole heartedly agree with you. Fuck you. 

 

 

Shout out to "Anna." Hands down one of the best short-term arrangements I've had as a dom.

I kept this blog post journal for a few weeks so it is long. This was written with full consent and knowledge of all people mentioned. 

________

She told me that she only had 3 months for a dynamic. Yeah…..COVID and career choices hijacked that timeline. 

Prior commitments would take her out of the area.

We spent a month talking on here, 3 weeks getting introduced at a safe distance, then had her fly in for a week. The shining moment for her deciding if she wanted to meet me was later revealed to be......

When I asked for pictures in the second message. She upped the bet with a Facetime request. Honestly, I wasn't ready. 

Scrambled to trim my beard and floss. She drilled me on my profile pictures, noted that she appreciated not being catfished. I understood the hesitance to send pics is a patience test to screen for detrimental intentions. She then asked about my genuine thoughts about sharing media so soon... and tried to come up with a compromise. In my mind, anyone who can build a life plan and explain their intentions to a blank screen is a true sociopath. I need a face with the info. 

She was curious how in my mind, anyone who can build a life plan and dynamic in their mind without tangible input from the other person........is a sociopath. Olive branch: that guy who just sends a dick pic and says a sub belongs to him without knowing her name/tastes/preferences. Is in the same lane where a woman would ask a guy to lay bare his vulnerabilities and desires to a blank screen. It's madness. 

We both were in agreement about physical + virtual security when meeting strangers online. She found a lack of nuance in the process of doing a background check. I can admit there is a cloud of euphoria that accompanies meeting someone new and in-depth with little to no complications. Getting a one and a million shot, off a BDSM site, during covid, barely weeks after coming back from Iraq. She crunched the stat down to 1 in 68 billion. 

That we could meet and get what we desired from each other and the dynamic, in the allotted time that we both agreed upon. We still did the background checks as a courtesy after the conversation, instead of a boon to hold over one another. She had a small-time criminal past during her college days. Forging papers and pushing pills, clearly Pablo Escobar in female form. 

Her pictures were clean, smooth, and had an organized bedroom. Petite, pale, brunette, big butt, flat stomach. She credited her abs to hours spent using an ab wheel while playing Assassins Creed. Raging erection.  

Conversations were smooth, brutally honest, and had a healthy back and forth when we called each other out on our shit. I felt refreshed that we both gave enough room to admit when we were wrong. Also, we were not afraid to openly admit what we desired and longed for. The amount of energy I used to spend on keeping everything compartmentalized and "not that serious" ....was internally exhausting. We took a look at our schedules, both applied for remote and lined up our free time. 

 

We discussed poly and monogamy at length. Anna asked about how we should handle additional people and partners. For the time she was here, we were exclusive. While apart, we keep things transparent and vet whomever the other would interact with. 

If I'm honest, this raised the quality and reduced quantity of potential women I could be within a college town. And my standards whittled her pool of bachelors to zero. 

One comparison she made is on intentions. I was very clear that I wanted a sub or slave who chooses to serve me how I see fit. I do not want me to settle upon distraction or escape. There can be a time where I can be that for my submissives, but it can not be the base or foundation for the relationship. Anna states she is impressed. Made me feel like I just danced and sang in a video. 

We both had recent STD and COVID tests. She appreciated the courtesy. 

Anna's hardest laugh came from reading some of the worst-case scenario messages I got on FetLife. Women sending pictures of their eyeballs and legs... as if I only like women in pieces. "Hey, daddy" texts with a string of emojis. Mad creepy. 

We were sending these jokes, memes, and screenshots while she was flying in. Now the adventure begins:

Day 1 of Anna's visit: She hated my Xbox. I hated her choice of shows. We compromised on board games and watching anything else from documentaries, to video game walkthroughs, and bank robbery heists. We concluded she would most likely be caught by authorities before me. I promised that if she got caught, I would handle her share fairly. This set something off in her. For argument's sake, we both decided not to do anything physical the first night. When addressed openly, it was fairly easy. I did wake up twice for snacks. She rolled a blunt for me in booty shorts. The finesse was highly appreciated. We both skated on thin ice above the tension and appreciated the skill we each displayed. As a gentleman, I never asked if she regretted this. 

Back....back....back to how she waited until after the Xbox diss, that THIS year was the year she would BDSM and romance a fair shot and 100% effort. I took it as a warning of temperament, not disrespect, which is exactly what it was. We both learned the unique ways to apply the following lines of logic: Awareness is separate from compromise, compromise is separate from insubordination or lack of order. 

"This year is the year I will give BDSM and romance a fair shot with 100% effort." 

(We met after May, so I'm going into a late start. She’s originally from Denver, so that’s nice. I liked that she only hinted at previous doms instead of venting every minute detail of the disappointing factors.)

I can imagine that if the above was the headline for her profile, the lies, and fantasies in her inbox could make another Twilight saga.  

I will always be thankful for my endeavors in Europe. That taught me 3 valuable lessons

What it feels like to be desired and pursued to the point of exhaustion. 

What happens in relationships (casual and serious) when people only engage me (in intimate settings) SOLELY for my skin color, physique, bank account, or dick size. 

What it feels like to have someone genuinely strip away and forget boundaries. All in the effort to get to know me more as a person. 

We go over house rules, expectations, roles, and responsibilities. Most of this journal has that as the undercurrent. Saves time on having to describe every minute action of submission. 

We form guidelines from our love languages and specific emotional/mental requirements. The physical is established as something for me to lead and guide upon. Very appreciative of the fact that we fit well together. Hands, positions, cuddling, hugging, movement, and stride. Compatibility is important. 

Day 2. We went out to the bar. COVID was in a lax phase. Another woman joined in our conversation about arcades. Further cementing my suspicion that women are attracted to men with women. A homeless hipster man interrupted our conversation, under the mistaken impression one of these women was single. His opening line was about how he's poly but just wanted someone to get out of the bar with. Confusion abounds.
 We actually went home and passed out at 5 pm. Like some gangsters. 

We went back out for a ride on my Harley that night. Pulling into College Street, a woman called to me from a bar balcony, asked how much my bike cost. I replied politely, she asked if she could go for a ride. I gave an awkward grin and shrugged it off. Anna smiled and held my hand softly. As I turned away from her, I felt two hot coals burning into my neck. And Anna's two hands holding my one turned into a business handshake. I didn’t look up at her expression. I was crunching the numbers on how to handle this improbable situation. 

I gave her a full gang sign secret handshake. Two slaps, a pound, and the bring-it-here hug. 

She kept holding my hand, smiling, amused and slightly confused.

Fair warning to all doms: the change in the hands is critical. You can only finesse your way out of these situations. The answer is to focus on your woman. Nine times out of ten it will work. More like 7, I can't speak for everybody. 

After she laughed, she straight up asked, "So would you fuck her?"

I looked Anna dead in the eye and told her the truth.

"Hoes are scarce when the hunt is nigh. Leave those to starve who can only thrive."

Short answer: No. 

Anna asks why. She doesn't want to be comforted or consoled, she wants to be informed. A platform that's nigh impossible to arrive upon without mother fucking FINESSE. 

Yes...I'm bragging. 

Because any error in my handling of this situation would have ended in disaster. 

After the blunt "no." Anna sits forward in my lap on my bike and just starts swinging in the dark. 

She wanted information, took out a mental notebook, grinned at me, and asked if I was ready. 

Her questions:

Do you know why you're here with me, right now?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you want to strike out on the hunt and see if you still got it?
If you find out you do still have it, would you kick me to the curb?
If the stranger danger lady rejected you for any reason, how would you try to recoup the situation with me?
Threesome?
Would you want to line up something with her for the day that I leave?

I noted that I was losing my vibe. I cut off her questions and spoke of her in the 3rd person. 

I told her the truth. A couple of tears messed up her mascara. We went home. 

No pressure. Just day two into handling a semi-open, brutally honest BDSM dynamic, on a time limit, with a woman I flew in 2 days ago.

Around 11 pm, we go for a drive in the city. We talk about everything from Greek mythology to the US prison industry. I pull into Walgreens, we will be blazing later, I grab snacks. She creeps into my lap and gives me a loving blowjob then rides me. It was feral, deep, and yet she remained submissive the entire time. 

Her last words before cumming "I'm not losing you to some random bitch." The energy was that of desire, not negativity. Which was nice, and cemented an iron cross in the heart of my subconscious thoughts for other women. Seeing that she was pleased to see me satisfied was a much more welcome sight than to see her hesitating and holding back, over insecurities that I never saw in her. 

Day 3. Woke up to Anna making breakfast. She cleaned up the living room and prepped the chessboard and my guitar. Even though she doesn't play either. We spent the day learning chess with kink dice. Kept clothes on the whole time. Lapdance teases and whatnot. She forgot to rinse soap out of the coffee maker when she washed it. So……...that was an interesting breakfast. 
Later in the day, Anna goes into the back bedroom to take a phone call. She's back there for 3 hours and doesn't come out after. I mind my business and head to the store for some essentials. Upon coming back, Anna is in the bathroom crying. She just got promoted and will be cutting the vacation short. This will also speed up her leaving the country and thereby ending the dynamic. 

Her career field (in finance) is selective, competitive and the contracts are something out of Darth Vader's imagination. I start thinking of all the white lies and false information we would need to get through this. I decided to say nothing. 

I pick her up and she falls asleep reading manga while I smoke weed. 

Day 4: We start packing for day 6. At noon, her co-worker calls to let her know that due to COVID, her placement is being put on hold for another two weeks. Anna turns to me, I blink twice, grab her butt and nod. She continues. Handcuffs and ball gags were broken out the second she hung up the phone. So we are now gonna get another two weeks. It was today that fully revealed the fact that she is satisfied when I'm satisfied. Today, it's as if her body was wired to go off at just the right time. We made smooth transitions between verbal instructions and physical demands. Was it the adrenaline of euphoria….how low does the corporate world sink you that one would near explode at the thought of it being delayed for but a week? 
I wipe that thought from my mind and step into Anna’s new world of heightened senses and submissive desires. 

Day 5 to 8: Cruise control. There is a certain level of intimacy that feels like handling raw sunlight. That's when you are both aware that 100 percent is being given. To many of my internal faculties, I was skeptical of feeling this deep...this quickly. But I noticed that I have dated some women for months to years without going outside of our comfort range for emotional expression and capacity. So...fuck it....torpedoes are damned. 
Anna wanted to try the yoke collar and domestic servitude. It was, at first, obstructive. I didn’t want to introduce it as a discipline measure until she got a firm balance with it on. 

After 10 attempts (impressive), we both decided to hang that piece of kink up. 

 

In the aftermath of the coming nights, we were just an old couple. We drank hot cocoa, watched anime, learned chess, and took baths. Anna cooked, cleaned, did the laundry. I gave her a massage, a foot massage, and I did the dishes and trash piling. 

Now reflecting, it was natural that we went these couple days without any kink. Maybe we both just wanted to feel peace in another’s presence. Maybe we hit the gas too hard and too fast, and now we need repairs before going that speed again. Maybe this level of intimacy is reserved for those who can risk it. 

 

____________

Side note: I miss her. Like every relationship/dynamic, I'm reflecting on things that could have gone better, and things that I know I may never get to experience again. My romantic experiences abroad were much more intense than my experiences here in the US. So it was refreshing, surprising and fully satisfying when Anna gave her ALL to me. On a budget, on common sense, and common ground. This was a three-pointer to win the game with 3 seconds left. 

____________

 

Day 9: We wake up late, work out, and have breakfast. Upon going to get the mail together. A couple of college women walk by. “Hey, sexy.” A blonde called out to me. I closed the front door. Anna went to her knees and gave 100 percent in the face fucking that was about to take place. She swallowed, learned, and submitted. 
I asked what was on her mind during that entire ordeal. She started talking about the best ways to leave a subconscious marker. She wanted to attack the root thought of other women with her fully vulnerable self in a hardcore sexual and submissive fashion. I was impressed and floated on a cloud for the rest of the afternoon. 

After a shower and a cup of coffee, I am surprised to find the living room...changed. The lights are low, the chessboard set up and the cushions are positioned to sit down...not lie down. 

This is the “We Need To Talk” set up. 

She takes my whiteboard and dry erase marker and writes down:

Poly, other subs, vetting other partners, best/worse case scenarios. 

I immediately felt a disturbance in the force. I’m not prepared to…...well….ok, I’ll be honest. She got me in a state where I wasn’t fully able to manipulate the conversation in my favor. Well played. I can be vulnerable as well. 

Last we talked, we were both exhausted after the “vetting” was addressed as more of a tool to eliminate rather than consolidate, we decided to leave it as two more subs max. She admitted she had no desire for other doms. She just didn’t know how to balance herself outside of her expectations and experience.  And that she was curious how different in range and scale the level of attention and support she could get from multi-faceted dynamic. 

I decided to remain quiet on where this could have gone and enjoyed the warmth of our best-case scenario. 

As we lay there on the couch. She takes a deep breath and starts with her notebook: 

She has insecurity about being replaced or having to compete for her dom’s attention. In all honesty, she prefers not having more doms and has never been in a successful relationship with dom and other subs. 
Playing it safe is separate from playing stereotypes, and that’s something she wants to unlock but doesn’t want to be taken advantage of. 
Being cautious of a man who wants multiple women is common sense. But don’t we all aspire to be or be around men who have multiple women? 
If truly a man’s desire for multiple women will always fall outside the boundaries of conventional relationships, am I hedging my bets against the competition by having a teammate? (what is this death battle of dating we find ourselves in?)
If there was to be another sub, the details would have to be nailed down. 

I had politely interrupted how I wasn’t ready to answer on the behalf of all mankind, and their part-taking in their individual and collective pursuits of women. That’s the open field of opportunities to conflict over imaginary obstacles and unlikely situations. Let’s keep the conversation local. 

As a dom, I want 2 or 3 submissives. I have worked toward being the man and dom of that level. 

We both have spoken at length about what our standards are for others. Meaning it will be some time and effort we would find, connect with, plan for, and be with someone else in a committed dynamic. 

Over the years I have dealt with waves of misinformation, stereotypes, insults, and negative comments about my ideal dynamic. I ignore it. I am better equipped, served, and satisfied in a dynamic with multiple subs committed to me. I’ve run two households and have references. Anna takes a deep breath. I can tell that she isn’t getting the kind of answer that she wants. Even more so frustrating is that she doesn’t know the right questions to ask. 

Anna speaks about budgets, degrees, career choices...I stop her and straight ask if she’s coming back to me if her career allows it. She says she doesn’t know. But for now, she wants to experience this conversation. IN the comfort of my home, away from prying eyes, while not being afraid to express her honest, at times selfish, vulnerable, and/or die-by-my-principles type of thoughts. 

We decide to call it a night.

Day 10:

Another lazy day sleeping in. COVID zombies running around outside. 

I leave for a couple of hours so Anna can work on her emails and projects.

Upon coming back, I find Anna in panties and a baggy t-shirt. With kitchen gloves and one of my steel toe boots on. 

Apparently, there was a spider and this was the standard outfit for battle. I hold in the laugh I deserved to have. Scanned the room and found the spider near the light switch. Small little bastard. Killed it with a napkin. 

I walk over to Anna. Grab her shoulder and turn my head slowly. “The battle is over.”

Anna rolls her eyes and points at the couch. Ah, having more submissives. How could I forget? 

She notes that the very concept of any man with multiple women is easily misinterpreted as, and easily attached to, negative and/or perverse concerns. The argument for monogamy is as old as any book you’ve read. The same can not be said for the other spectrums. 

Anna notes that she has never openly discussed polygamy or polygyny in an objective or supportive fashion. The bare minimum requires that the dom be emotionally intelligent, financially stable, and committed, and present.

Is this about establishing a conducive environment for a level of kink and connection? Or reigning in a man’s desire for all women into a set spectrum of 2 to 3 women? Or lessening the burden of related expenses and hardships across multiple people? 

I asked if she is genuinely asking or looking to have my sex drive be the lynchpin for all endeavors. That is an unnatural amount of pressure that should be evenly distributed to other aspects of the relationship. Because one aspect of me will eventually tire and burn out from that level of emphasis as a headliner in a relationship. 

She noted that the amount of effort needed to make that work is much clearer to view in a negative light than the blind-corner-lottery of the regular dating. I noted that most people’s romantic disappointments, hardships, and lowest points of self... came from monogamous interactions. 

Anna threw her book at me. “So I am to be property?” 

I make a stand in my mind to leave an anchor here. Explaining my intentions, I take her into the bedroom. Place her in restraints. I’m making a play call. We both need to take a step back, and she needs to know there are some answers she needs to find on her own in order to internally direct herself toward serving me. 

She breathes evenly and decides that she wants to enjoy and receive this experience instead of finding a way to distract herself from it. 

At the behest of the earlier question, not the concept, I discipline and push Anna to have orgasm after orgasm. I place a hood over her head. Have her do squats and push-ups until she is sweating. Forcing orgasms between rounds of exercise. 

I have orange juice already iced (BOOM). After all, is said and done, we shower. Nap. 

We both come out of slumber around 4 am. So this is day 11. 

________________

Day 11. 

Anna jumps on my back while I’m making coffee. She smells like cannabis and cinnamon. I like it. 

Anna:

Most people that I have dated did not have a lot of positive team-based environments or achievements. 

++++me internally screaming. “It is 5 freaking AM.”

I put her in the plank position. 

Anna takes this as a sign. 

I start making breakfast while she stays in a plank position. I tell her she can do squats or push-ups if she gets tired. 

She bends over and starts playing with herself. Direct disobedience. So hot. And well-timed. 

I have my way with Anna right there on the couch. She rolls over satisfied and sweating. Quickly horrified when I said, “Go shower and get back to the plank position.”

Spent the earlier part of the day sweating her out in our agreed-upon training schedule for maintaining the dynamic. After lunch, Anna sits in my lap and asks if we can go get lunch. We head to the grocery store. 

While inspecting the bread for wiretaps, Anna coyly asks how I could afford multiple submissives. Not financially, since everyone will have a job and life goal that is structured into the dynamic...she’s talking about the physical and emotional tolls. 

Will I be able to keep 3 women satisfied? Mentally, physically, and emotionally?

How will conflicts be handled? Are there ranks or set positions? If someone feels 

I responded with:

I emphasized how WE will help keep each other satisfied with the standards of our agreed-upon dynamic. Everyone will be on the same page. And the effort to get to an agreed platform of communication and relationship responsibilities will naturally filter out the unwanted. I will be able to do my part as the man of the house and dom. That does not equal me carrying or covering for all lacking aspects of the relationship. There will be order/structure for submission and behavior. There will also be shared responsibility, having respect for common ground, and a focus on supporting each other. Over the common notion to eliminate competitors and “win.”
How often have these questions, and my first point, been openly and at length discussed? I just wanted to know what level of experience with these issues I’m dealing with. There is a difference between me managing and me compromising. 
 Conflicts, breakups, and deviations will be handled with logic, common sense, and compassion. 

“I just don’t like other women. What if I can’t be with other subs?”

There’s no way to tell her the future. What will happen if we both openly and fully went looking to make a best-case scenario for polygyny? And what if our best efforts fail? Or the third partner messes it up? Would we recover? Would it be worth it? Why would I even go through that?

Hardline. If Anna becomes more destructive than helpful in my life. I will try to make amends, resolve conflicts, and stay fair and sane. There will be a limit. If it’s breached, we will end or take a break if both parties are willing. I will do what’s best for the dynamic and those commit to and agree best with it. 

This is how I best operate in a relationship. 

I just reply: “What if it turns out to be better than your monogamous adventures?”

Anna finishes cleaning the kitchen. I put the laundry in the dryer. 

She puts on a bandana and some sweats and starts scrubbing my hardwood floors. I honestly do not know how to respond. Pinesol is a powerful substance. I should be careful with my words. 

We talked about poly and dynamic structures at length before her coming here. Did she come here with an idea to change me to her ideal dynamic? Was I unclear in my intentions before coming here? A couple of hours go by, we both shower. 

We decided to drop the previous line of thinking and go get donuts. 

Anna asks if she could make it as a contractor in the Middle East. I tell her I don’t know. We get back in the car and she tells me how badly she wants me. We don’t make it out of the parking lot. Upon getting back to the house, Anna sets up her laptop. 

Anna showed me the convo when she spoke to a previous sub of mine. They talked about the usual and who would be where and why we broke up before. Some time goes by and Anna decides to try and talk to another sub for the first time. 

Sarah enters the scene. Brunette with lighter highlights, same build as Anna. Sarah works in life insurance. Prefers red wine over cannabis. 

I’m sure she will keep me on the edge of my seat with tales of action and adventure. 

Sarah lives in Denver. An hour away. Has her COVID and STD test. 

We talk later over the phone. Anna takes a deep breath during the conversation. 

There is a small, but present, sense of caution with how quickly Anna met Sarah. I could scour sites, bars, parties, and events for weeks and never meet someone this compatible. Did she build this woman in a factory? Sarah used to do Jujitsu but hurt her back rowing in college. 

How in the godforsaken name of the US dollar, did Anna find Sarah on a whim? Not even fully looking? Just browsed? 

Can I be honest and say….I kind of wish she could know the pains of trying to find a compatible submissive. She already knows about that hardship from finding a dom. But…..you know what….Anna wins. She is better with searching for, screening, and approaching women and submissives than I am. 

Back to Sarah, we were both relieved to see none of us liked ropes. Fixed restraints win the day. For stability and comfort. Anna says I should be a kink salesman. 

Day 12: 

Anna and Sarah have lunch without me. To this day, I don’t know what they talked about. Anna decided to go for a drive after, probably to clear her head. she came back to the house around 11. Then slept on the couch. I respected that she wanted space. We talked about how she wanted me to push through moments like these with what I wanted. But instincts told me to let this play out. She was silent for most of the day. Curled up on the couch working on her projects and writing in her journal. This went on for a couple more days.

Day 15: 

We spent the last couple of days avoiding one another. I figured there is a volatile mixture of emotions with a ticking trigger. We have nine days left before she leaves. 

“Can I be property today?” Anna asks quietly. 

In my mind, I’m imagining we are on a ship. I’m captain, she is the support crew. I’m managing parts of both of us to an agreed-upon heading. We decide to sail to a certain location. She chooses the heading that works best for her, I choose how to manage the daily operations, schedules, responsibilities, and how we respond to outside threats. 

I have too much curiosity to just wing it. I ask about her change of heart. 

“I just want to be owned and stop thinking.” 

I take a step back and politely refuse. I’m looking to be a life choice, not an escape or refuge. 

She didn’t make this distinction, and this was an act of resignation to circumstances, not a conscious choice to serve or be involved in a dynamic. 

Anna decides to go for a drive. Of course, I agree. True submission can exist wherever we go, I’m hoping she finds a solution soon. 

Day 16:

Turns out Anna spent the night in Denver. Didn’t tell Sarah or me. These two go out for lunch again. Then Anna crashes at Sarah’s. 

So far. I’m giving ground left and right under the pretense we need space to grow and hammer in how we can best move on. I spend the day speaking with the VA and preparing my notes for a black lives matter meeting. 

The dynamic is in a building phase. From experience, I know that this phase (for this specific type of dynamic) is volatile, plagued with a lack of support from extracurricular sources, and unknown territory for many. 

I text Anna and tell her to come back. She asks if Sarah can come. 

Sarah just got laid off. COVID has people caring less and less about buying life insurance. 

She has a few months of unemployment and another 2 jobs lined up (in the city.) But she’s still upset. 

Fully admitting the classic block to emotional response common in men. I completely miss my chance to be supportive and respond with

“Yeah, that’s cool.”

The vibe took a 45 degree turn and continued down this perverted path. Ladies arrive. Wine is bought. Sarah and Anna facetime Anna’s gay cousin. Who I will admit has some impressive cheekbones and makeup game for a guy. Like, he could be a model. But chooses to live a regular life. The ladies bid emotional stories over wine and Killer Dave’s Cinnamon Raisin bagels. 

Smoking weed in the background, I realize that this is something I like. Everyone together, pouring in what they desire, healing with and feeding from each other’s positive vibes. Anna looks at me and tosses some chips at my back. I smile and go to shower. 

The cousin who shall not be named asks to talk with me. Anna is getting sleepy. 

Sarah asks if she can crash, I say sure. She washes the dishes and changes into sweats and a tank top. Anna is out on the couch. 

The cousin notes that he sees my eyes are bloodshot. If I’m stressing over the ladies, don’t. It will or it will not work out depending on how much they choose to try. Turns out he is an Air Force veteran and shares some skincare secrets for those who returned from Iraq. 

I was blown away. 

Sarah and I play a couple of games of chess. She crashes into my bed. 

I don’t sleep. Just pace around my house smoking weed and reflecting back on Iraq and how much I miss some of my friends who are gone. 

Day 16:

Sarah and I have coffee and discuss finances. I will be focusing on my nonprofit business. 

Sarah has her family’s restaurant, but she said she would only take that offer if she lost a leg or something. 

In the back of my mind, I decide to never open a restaurant. 

Sarah remembers that she used to trade crypto. She forgot she had over 9 grand in digital currency sitting in a coin base account. Her 9 grand was almost doubled with the rise in bitcoin. 

“Looks like I’m having wine for brunch.”

I head to the grocery store. Sarah and Anna have a twerking competition over who called dibs on the last cinnamon bun. Anna won. How in f***....as a man…..did I miss such an event in my own home? F**************!!!!!!

Day 17: 

Another 5 am wake up. 

Sarah goes back to her place. We had bagels and eggs. 

___

Anna finishes the laundry, cleans up the bedroom and bathrooms. Then comes back to the property discussion. Apologizes, but thinks that’s what she wanted, not what she needed at that moment. 

With that said, she doesn’t want to be in a dynamic with Sarah. I pop my back in the kitchen and take the news in stride. I don’t want to seem selfish or complacent. Sarah was great, and it is rare to find a woman who wants to be a poly BDSM dynamic. But upon deeper thinking, I could see what Anna was saying about a long term fit. This was something she wanted to be consoled on, not guided or informed. Trusting a man’s gut on a lady’s intuition…….I started thinking about what Anna wants to eat.  

“Holy shit. You’re really not mad.”

What?

We played UNO, she destroyed me. I smoked her out. We ended up baking sourdough bread and playing the most intense game of tic tac toe in my life. 

Day 18:

Anna’s cousin texts me asking to borrow 50 dollars for uber. Turns out he lost his wallet at the store. I pay for uber through my app. He cash apps me a couple of hours later after making it home.

While Anna is doing her skin and hair care routine, we talk about Sarah’s newfound fortune in crypto. Thank god that he and I both lost money in crypto. It was such a relief to find someone else who lost out in the open range wild west of crypto. I needed that consolation. 

Later that day, I had a photography job for a celebration dinner. I didn’t know the occasion. But it was focused on these two women and a married gay couple. A couple of guys were both into real estate. Had been together for years and played dominos. 

I took 20 photos with my E90D and we played bones and smoked Sativa all afternoon. 

I learned from consecutive interactions that gay men have impeccable advice for straight men when it comes to fashion and communicating with women. These were my elders and they are in a happy dynamic so I should take some notes. 

Anna was by my side smiling at me and stroking my ego as I lost hand after game after hand after the game. It was tragic. I was getting blocked out on the table, schooled in conversation, and pitied after.

It felt good to be humbled. And to get these experiences from people who actually care about how I feel. 

We got home. I put Anna over my knee and spank her. I want her in a bad way. I put Anna in restraints and fun abounds. 

Later in the night, she wakes up, sweating and crying. She had a weird nightmare about Trump and healthcare. I have no idea how to respond. 

We go for a late-night run. Running late at night develops a focus in me from my Army days.

We get back. My hands are aching to hold a firearm or put on the gear and drive somewhere.

Anna lays on my lap as I’m staring out the window. Can’t get the war off my mind. 

We eventually fall asleep on the couch. 

Day 19

Uneventful morning. We both woke up to see that there was yet another version of fort nite skins that our Xbox addicted friends were fiending over. Honestly, I should just toss this thing out. 

Over lunch. Anna asks me about my plans for children. I tell her that I had a vasectomy in 2009 and I have a son and daughter from a previous marriage. At that moment, I realized we had sex and talked about bringing in more people before fully disclosing who was already present in the most intimate parts of my life. Whoa…... This is what so many women have tried to tell me in my younger days. 

Ok, backtrack. I remembered that Anna is dedicated to adoption ONLY. That’s only IF financial goals are met before she is 35. She repeated this so curtly that there was no room for question or deviation. 

“Can I be honest? I would like to pause the dynamic and take a day to roast you. Like fully grill and drill into what I want from and can do here. I guess, walk the grounds in another set of shoes as they say.”

I ask if there are any limits or special issues I should be aware of before agreeing. She notes that I rarely choose to argue but instead suggest boundaries or better alternatives. And then she admits that it can be frustrating because many times she can not be in the mood to wholly agree or plan. Sometimes she wants to argue, do damage, rebuild, have room to be selfish and forgiven. 

With a mouth full of sandwich, I realize that she’s got me out of my depth. I could have handled this in stride over the phone two weeks ago, but not on the fly after recent events. I take a deep breath, collect my thoughts, and pull out a pen and a small notebook from my jacket. 

“Hit me.”

___

Skip forward….

We had a threesome with THE redhead who has chosen the nickname, Donna. Yes from the show Suits. Redhead works in gov. Compliance, curvy, former volleyball player, bad left knee to show for it, hates chocolate only in food form. Donna was my former match from Tinder, who turns out, through a set of work and social connections, had met Anna a few years back. 

Previously, on The Showdown…. Anna’s federal investigation into every aspect of me as a human being has hit a critical point. She surfed through my porn favorites, previous dating profiles, and of course, came across a woman she knows. Anna texts Donna on Facebook, and the challenge series begins. Anna asks if Donna can stop by. 

COVID and STD test clear. Cool. 

Donna remarks how presumptive this seems. I note back how presumptive THAT seems. 

HA! Take that. Donna and Anna play checkers. I go to the store. 

The cousin texts me from his friend's phone and asks for another uber. And to not tell Anna. She always holds it over his head every Christmas dinner. I assure him of my discretion and send the uber. I Will not disclose further details. 

____back to the future of the threesome…..or right before. 

With wine in one hand and a phone in the other, Donna and Anna are jointly grilling me. 

……………….Channeling my inner Doc Holiday to handle the situation.  

It’s all on the record. Anna has my previous texts. I didn’t trip, backtrack, or get caught up once.

Gonna get me to preaching. 

It was all on the line. My backstory. The timeline of my deployments versus my relationships. Worst breakups. Sex injuries. Embarrassing sex stories. Challenges of fatherhood. Any regrets and major reflections as a dom. What makes me believe I can handle and satisfy multiple submissives. What will happen when, not if, I cannot fulfill my part in the dynamic and the relationship? 

My answers were tracing back to the level of transparency that comes in a true poly relationship is a daunting factor for most. Yes, you will have conflicts, no it won’t be perfect, yes, we will all be growing and learning as we move along. But no matter the setup, there is a requirement of your very self that you will have to give to make things work. When there added factors of uncertainty, THAT seems to be what fuels people’s ability to attack and sabotage any plans for happiness. 

Throughout my life, any new idea I had would receive the same vibes of doubt I get when exploring poly. Having another career, working for Google, being with someone my family dislikes, joining the military, or being a commercial diver. 

The older gay couple noted that’s just life. The level of relationship I’m looking for is simpler but more arduous than the regular one on one. They settled into monogamy for financial reasons at first, had a nice couple of sex parties but never involved a third partner. Both advised me to stick to my mindset of dominating zones instead of individuals. And only engage with submissives who understand that. 

The air in the house changes. Donna centers on wanting to know how many women I had been with when I was on deployment. The conversations sidetrack into us betting who can beat who in Uno. The spoils are massages and a car wash.  

In the middle of it, Donna notes that since Anna was on a time limit, could she have a sort of fully committed trial run as a sub. I told her we would need to design that to custom fit her with regards to Anna. Anna tosses grapes into her own mouth and kicks her feet up and says 

“God damn right I’m calling the shots.”

Donna turns to Anna and asks her straight in the face. 

“Can I really join or would that make you uncomfortable?”

Anna smiles and asks to take it slow. 

I gasp in shock. Sarcastically. 

++Dom realization: Maintaining balance is more important than enforcing an order. I was glad that table punishment was in the house rules. Offense 1 or 2 types of disobedience would have set types of punishment. Donna was open to punishing Anna as a support sub, but Anna did not want to take part in any discipline of Donna. Just play support when we have sessions. 

We put the cards down and the threesome's energy focused on Donna and me, pleasing and pushing Anna to a new plateau. Cards on the table, Donna knew Anna’s body better than mine. It was like watching someone drive your car in a bank heist. Successfully.

There was a huge payday. Everyones all smiles. I think we all needed something like that to vent some of the everyday madness. 

Donna and I go to sleep. 

I wake up with a screaming headache and my right ear ringing. My eyes are watering and I think I’m having a panic attack. 

Anna is up, in the living room, deep cleaning her hard drives. I come out into the foyer, she sees me. I sit down and she brings me some water. I’m sweating. 

We get dressed and go for a walk. 

Donna texts Anna asking if everything is ok. We head back and give Donna a foot and head massage. We smoke, talk and Donna passes out on the couch.

Anna stays up with me, we go for another walk. She pulls me behind the trees in the parks. And we make out before having a quickie. 

Day 20:

Anna’s last day. She flies out tomorrow. It almost feels as if she’s not even thinking about it. Donna called in sick to work. 

So both of them sleep in while I make breakfast. Donna comes out first. She pats me on the butt with that “Good Game” energy. I jump slightly from the impact, but it is hella funny. 

Anna comes out, they both go shower together. We all go for a walk in the park. And have a random game of 21 with a guy and his son. We had sanitizer on the ready. 

We all come back to the house. Donna takes out a pair of oversized glasses and reads over my house rules from Anna’s computer. Anna is giving input and answering questions as we go along. I decide to head to the store and get some vegetables for lunch. 

Donna’s phone rings. She just got approved to work remotely. 

I’m gone for about an hour. Come back to the house being cleaned and drill rap playing on the speakers. Laundry is done, beds made, and even my joints are rolled. I start looking for things to help out with. Donna is helping Anna with navigating spreadsheets formatting and error corrections. Listening over her shoulder, I learned a crucial trick in matching and backtracking sheet formulas in separately formatted worksheets. BDSM is officially helping my professional skill set. 

Anna and I ganged up on Donna this time. She accidentally kicked me in the throat when a foot restraint burst loose from the tether. We had a moment of silence, some laughs and the girls had fun while I watched. Anna cleaned up the bedroom. I went to go get juice. 

Day 21. 

Anna flies out early in the morning. Donna and I take her to the airport. Her flight gets bumped for 2 hours. We spent that time with her at the little coffee shop. We talk about the impossible. How Donna wants to serve and how we could get Anna to come back. 

Anna’s flight takes off. Donna heads to Denver and I go back home. 

I text that I’m gonna crash and toss my phone on the table. I woke up a couple of hours to Donna knocking on my door. She dropped a friend off at the Spine Institute in Loveland and thought it would be cool to surprise me. 

We smoke a blunt and play checkers. She breaks the ice first about how she may have rushed into this dynamic. But since it’s turning out better than she thought, it’s now weird to think she just wanted a couple of nights to be distracted with. She goes into very graphic details of shitty “doms” that have tried to own her when she was still just exploring. She asks if we come to the hump that is when people start doubting if long term is possible, how would it be handled. I asked how much comfort will she really take in planning the end before the beginning. 

She replies curtly if she can see how I can handle worse case scenarios, that will make her more able to trust me in the best-case ones. Also, I was a little too smooth during the double impact investigation. That’s fair. 

But….Couldn’t I just be that good?

She said no. Flatly. And without restraint. 

She gets on her knees in front of the couch and continues the conversation. The conversation then turned south over expectations, then ended with us being angry and we both said some hurtful things. Neither of us left the household. Stubborn in our own right. 

This is new, we have sprinted through our vetting processes and now don’t have Anna to balance out and filter parts of ourselves we spread out before. 

After a couple of minutes, she apologized and admitted she had some parts of herself that she didn't want to be involved with BDSM. But those same parts would at times be an obstacle in her giving submission in certain capacities. 

I flat out told her, that can’t work for me. I can compromise to find a middle ground, I can go through a development phase, but I can’t play musical chairs with the emotional development inside a poly dynamic. Donna perked her head up, admitted she didn’t think of it that way. 

++Dom realization: Sticking to your guns doesn’t mean ignoring possible compromises. However, do not sugar coat situations or factors. Finding out compatibility, or lack thereof is important in avoiding future damages. Which will compound the more partners you have. 

She asks if she can be excused. Then goes into the back bedroom to decompress. I texted Anna, who tells me she’s been talking to Donna almost this entire morning. Anna’s sanity is stuck in the middle of a 14-hour layover in NY. If she misses this flight, her company will just put her with the next group of people flying out next week. 

She asks if she can stop in at her place and spend the rest of that week with me. Just in case. I am fully aware there is an 80 percent chance she will be coming back. Donna passes out in the bed. I joined in a Destiny raid with some friends, smoked, and passed out on the couch. 

Woke up late at night. Donna was being approached by an ex in her DMs. She teared up a little and asked if she could show me the messages. In all honesty, this guy was smooth. I mean, punctuation, reminiscing on good times while saying how much he learned from being with her…... I mean this guy had half an R&B album in his messages. 

I explained that exes are attracted to positive energy, and hunters have all kinds of tactics to hunt prey. I noted the generic transitions in his responses. This is a guided conversation. Donna doesn’t get the difference between regular shitty pick up artists. I explain the difference between hollow tip rounds and shotgun shells. 

He will spray that auto 12 gauge. Best for hitting a larger surface area. Then fire hollow points at pain points. Small entry, large exit wounds. 

She gets it. Texts she isn’t interested. We crash. 

_____________________________________________

Day 22 and a later week recap. 

The flight delay drags on. Anna stops in her city then catches a red-eye flight to Denver. I pay for an uber to bring Anna to me. Anna cancels the uber, Sarah will be bringing her up. Sarah, in spectacular fashion, had tried going back to an ex and that fizzled quickly. 

Donna gets off work early and comes up. 

We all go out for drinks. Sarah is surprised to meet Donna but respects it. Two of my motorcycle buddies pull up. We have a beer. Donna chats them up. Anna and I talk about the upcoming three days she has with me. 

We bar hop. My buddy rides off with Donna for a quick ride. Sarah and Anna in front of me. Anna reaches back and holds on to my belt buckle for a couple of seconds. 

Getting that short story treatment, 3 drinks, and some heavy details later, Sarah asks about how to be a support sub and watch and learn but experiment to see what she’s looking for. Donna returns, curls fully ablaze from the ride. With a chicken wing in hand, I update Donna. She says that sounds sketchy but amazing. Anna later admitted she misheard Donna. And thought Donna asked to watch just Sarah being disciplined. 

Anna smiles, grabs my leg, looks at Sarah, and says she will play Donna her. Sarah is oblivious but sensitive so she says ok. We play pinball in the bar nearby. Donna wins by a hair. 

We all hug it out. Donna and Sarah ride back to Denver. Anna comes back to me. 

For the rest of the week. Donna came and worked remotely, Sarah managed her portfolio, and Anna just relaxed at the park to read. Play sessions were worked out beforehand. Sarah and Donna loved to go head to head on anything, Anna liked being in my lap and just...well reading into me. It felt really good that she just decided to drop everything in her arsenal to commit to making a poly dynamic work. I’m impressed, amazed, and grateful. 

She blows me in front of Sarah and Donna. She doesn’t finish me. I almost lose it. 

+++Dom realization: With 3 months of effort, I put to good use my abilities as a dom with 3 subs. I later realized I did not burn out. There were no star crossed or outright crossed parties, and we are all still working on ourselves. 

Sarah helps clean up the kitchen then heads back to Denver. Anna sits into my lap and asks if I could do her a favor and punish fuck Donna. Donna is silent but visibly wet. In the moment of clarity that comes from the distance needing to be crossed into full depravity. I realized that Anna is submissive, clever, obsessed with me, and would be a dangerous enemy if I ever crossed her. 

Donna gets the full routine. Tabata rounds with orgasm control. Deepthroat training in restraints. Confession games. And we went until she used the safeword. Anna gave her a massage after. 

During which she admits that she realizes she misheard Donna at the arcade. Donna sits up and asks if that means she gets to watch Anna get punished. 

__________________-

On Anna’s last night, it was Sarah running support, helping with restraints. Donna ran point and I joined in at critical junctures. It was amazing. For the few sessions, we got to do this over the next few days. Even after Anna left, having Sarah as support while dominating Donna was an adventure unto itself. Anna cut contact cold turkey once she was across the Atlantic. 

In weeks to come, Donna struggled through some things with her ex. And we worked it out as her BDSM commitment to me would be part-time since we both honestly wanted a poly dynamic, but just couldn’t see how we could keep that slot open for Anna. Nor how we could seek to replace Anna while our chemistry was still fresh. I’m writing about this not to expose or blame Donna. Just bringing a possible outcome to the forefront. There are those who have never tried poly and you need to realize an entire spectrum of unspoken laws before diving in. 

With my better judgment and a final nod from Anna (donna texted her), Donna spent a lot of time retraining herself to be my sole submissive. As our sessions got more intense, I realized that I was competing with a range of traumas that her ex was exposing. Even in a casual setting, I had to address that this set up would only last us a couple of months. Before we play with a mix of emotions and events too volatile to handle. 

I realized I was responding to her life's ups and downs through the lens of BDSM….Instead of training a submissive who was fully present and engaging. The ex, with years of emotional ammunition and having spoken with her family about holiday plans, got to her while they were in Denver. They haven’t spoken in a couple of weeks. It was a one night, 6-minute mistake on her part, something I could forgive. She’s taking some time for herself. 

Donna and I decided to remain casual friends. She has tried slave/master dynamics and seems to fit better into that role. It's just not what i'm looking for at this time. Our last session was very passionate. She was eager to give all of herself to me, to the point I wondered where this new-found enthusiasm to submit was coming from. This was the first time Donna wasn’t detached, out to prove something or just tasting something new. She was fully open, vulnerable, and just wanted to hold me tight knowing that I would guide her through subspace. I gave some good aftercare. 

She showered and came out and asked to go again. Not sex. Just the restraints and discipline. We still text. Might grab drinks after New Years. 

The story ends with Anna flying out to her new career in international finance. Sarah got pregnant and is now happily engaged to a great guy. I had a beer with him. He is a pool shark, runs his own business, and honestly loves Sarah. They met when he backed into her at a bank parking lot. 

_______

I learned a lot on this journey. I do not have the ability to fully explain how, but in many ways, this dynamic was harder to engage and navigate than my experiences in Berlin. 

Poly has always been my lifestyle of choice. I have headed a lot of butting head sessions with the standard monogamy mindset. 

Now, fair warning, since I do believe many people will struggle once they get to this part. In my kind of dynamic, I build up instead of break down. This allows for people to have room for error, develop themselves, and have to consciously choose what aspects of themselves they want to submit and/or change in a dynamic. But it will also leave open far afield for obstacles and distracting developments. You will have to choose and deal with the choices you make to abstain from or engage in your own set of long shots. This is a guide based on my personal experiences. Not a cheat sheet for elimination 

Following my formula, some of you will find life partners. Some will end up drinking alone and depressed. Some will end up worse off than they started. Some will leave a better person in other aspects of their life outside of BDSM. 

To the new doms entering poly, after the nuance, there will be a phase where all parties will have to grow into accommodating and accepting all aspects of this dynamic and other people. This usually is NOT when you’re going over house rules and laying boundaries. It will come out at dinner weeks later. No matter what, people need time to grow into something like a poly household. Giving people time to be human is what I’m saying here. Your sex drive will drop when having multiple submissives. It is not feasible to think that any part of a poly relationship could be handled by one person without the support and trust of other parties. So learn to share, train a lead sub, guide them to support one another, and engage when needed not if. 

Addressing the dom side of me that enjoys being supported. Next to no one is going to support you on this journey at first. Learn how to surround yourself with supportive and positive people who will advise and tell you the brutal truth when needed. New submissives will definitely find solace in you having references, trusted friends, and previous subs (that you're on good terms with). If you allow people who would destroy, condemn, or sabotage your relationships. Cut them off. Simple as that. 

Personally, I have learned to organically guide instead of absolutely control this starting part of dynamics. As mentioned before, I want a best-case scenario, but I’m man enough to cut off the wrong type of situation for long term progress. 

Tests need to be kept current, finances need to be addressed, hiding desires will only hurt someone else. I built my own world for BDSM and was selective of who I wanted in it. For a time, it was fulfilling, balanced, and everything I wanted. Until next time.

____

Anna, I miss you. 

Sarah, you're awesome and I wish you the best. 

Donna, you're on my mind every full moon. Yes, I admitted it before Christmas. 

___

 

If you’re wanting to discuss and share, do let me know. Wish everyone the best for the holidays.

 

 

 

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rambling blog...

Started out barefoot and on the streets at 17. Now 34 with my own house. 

I say that to myself every morning in the mirror. To remind me to remain focused, humble, and flexible. I remember lessons past and achievements earned. Those who doubted, cursed, undermined, and attacked me throughout the years. And the lessons I had to teach before I got to fully learn, but luckily turned out ok for everyone involved. It is no shaming factor to admit one's luck. Be just as proud of your ability to survive as you are in your opportunities to succeed. 

Walking through my house barefoot. Enjoying the warmth of hardwood floors beneath my feet. I slide my feet through the grooves, proud that I spent a decent amount of time smoothing the floors of splinters and splits. 

This morning, I started counting all the things that I'm grateful for. And the hard-lined truths about why I'm missing certain things in my approach to BDSM and searching for new partners. The first thing that I am thankful for is the snow falling this morning. It keeps ringing in my mind how long I spent in the desert and many of the things in regular life that I missed out on. The second thing that I'm thankful for is the time skip. Seeing potential love interests change throughout the years has helped my personal perspective in judging and evaluating new people and interactions. Yes, COVID is helping....but not helping at the same time. The third thing I'm thankful for is awareness. In my romantic life, Mari will always hold the championship title. She was the first woman to ever ask me if I had food allergies and what gifts I hated getting on my birthday. She was too in-depth for me as a young soldier with a death wish. But now that I'm semi-retired, smoking a grandpa pipe and making hand ground coffee, I wish this version of me could take a shot at all Mari was offering. I'm thankful I have that experience to depend on when remembering those who were there for me, those who comforted and provided for me in my times of need. 

Speaking of awareness, the aforementioned "components", of myself as a person and what I have to offer as a life partner, though vital, do not dictate who is the best option for me based on what phase I'm going through in life. To me, that means I was distracted by the pursuit of a stable station, under the impression that this alone would ensure my best case scenario for other parts of my life. Including BDSM. This approach helped me mature faster than my peers, but also accelerated the eventual breakdown process of relationships. Especially relationships where I kept an end time in mind. Not a healthy habit. 

In my younger pursuits, while meeting new partners, a guilty pleasure of mine was the comparison. Knowing that I was better than my formers. Learning my own shortcomings in the process. But, if I'm honest, I also learned to hide flaws better than fix them. This was not helped by the realization that I was coming across women with more and more drastic dating backstories. Soon to be divorcees dealing with the struggles of discrete casual dating....seems to be a common scene. In BDSM, we work on breaking down barriers, b

From what I have seen, the American Dream is filled with traps that many don't recover from. I believe that many people turn to things like BDSM as more of an escape than a path to a better self. This is a distinction was something I was rarely if ever, concerned with when I was a younger dom. I regret I am only now identifying this need from years of its absence. And the potential setbacks that accompany such lacking accounts.  

 

 

 

This is a dom reflection and outreach post. 

Browsing through blogs and forums, there is no shortage of life “lessons” and bad childhood stories to share when these topics arise. However, rarely (if ever), do I see that same amount of energy used to portray learning experiences in a positive way.
Perhaps people just haven’t been asking or been asked. 

I got shot, crushed, stabbed, ran over, bit, and chased till exhaustion during my kiddo days. 

Years later, here I am a year back from my 7th deployment, pending disability, unable to work, and unable to get medical care. I remember all the cold and depressing hospitals I’ve been into. pain meds were a godsend, but the after-effects sucked. 
Looking into it, sometimes it’s better to have a loving grandma neighbor.

Getting stitches in a warm kitchen on towels and pillows is WAY better than a hospital, even without pain meds. The food is better too. But, when younger, I didn’t know what/how to appreciate what this environment signified. I remember kicking, screaming, and cursing at her. But I always went back. There have even been some hospitals that I scoffed in because Abuela could have done much better. 

Over the years: She reset my shoulder when I crashed my bike. stitched my forehead and leg. Pulled out teeth. took thorns out my neck. salved my burns (we set fire to dead trees). Push packed my hands and feet when they were cracked and split. 

I share the above story to say the following:

Pain and labor are the main two factors of human development. Having to toil through tasks and ordeals with a set direction and focus helped form me as an individual. I have noticed that I’m able to sense people whose past was devoid of these experiences. 

Not saying everyone should and must go through trauma to grow into who they want and/or are destined to be. I’m just observing; and these observations are helping me make sense of how bizarre, twisted, and convoluted many people seem to be nowadays. 

If you’re a dom who has read my previous blogs and you’ve been experiencing similar frustrations with brats, entitled women, abusive doms who only know how to chase twisted desires, and sugar babies, do read on.  

Within the boundaries of my life experiences, here are some key things I’ve learned. Hopefully, this helps you in your search. Going back to labor and pain, if you’re a leader, you need more of both in your life and will have to take on the burden of introducing and (in a positive way) reinforcing these into someone else’s life in order to produce the best result. 

1. Self-development as a leader is nigh impossible solo. As a leader, I have always been held to standards of exceptional achievements and socioeconomic efficiency, NOT personal development, social adaptability, and emotional intelligence. I learned the latter from reflecting on the few times I've come across and/or practiced it. 

As a matter of fact, the first time I was introduced to the concept of emotional intelligence, it was in an Army training program. Fair warning, those programs are designed to build rapport and extract information from a subject. And they advise you to keep an emotional distance and observational standpoint from the entire process and another party. It has taken years for me to sift through the internal damage this has taken on me and my ability to genuinely connect with others. 

Solution: Focus on healthy habits and your mental health. If you’re looking to assume a leadership role. See a professional psychiatrist first. Setting up and training mental defenses is essential. This helped me in professional, personal, and romantic endeavors. Decompress and vent stress routinely, not reactively. And immediately cut off people you recognize as a danger to your ability to grow and develop. Try to compromise and communicate but limits should be hard, defined, and final. 

2. You will have noticed by now how many submissive minded individuals will pack their trauma and need for past rearing and positive enforcement into their present interactions with you. It is a daunting task mathematically, to think that a sub/co-worker/trainee is asking you to provide the professional and personal guidance they may have been missing their ENTIRE life. By default, many of your lessons will be diluted or interpreted differently.

It’s easy to say just screen more carefully, I would like to genuinely engage and elaborate on what has worked for me in that area. 

Solutions:

Off the top, understand that no matter the age, gender, ethnicity, or profession, it is impossible to gauge someone’s internal development and character from just a few exchanges. Choose whether you want to go on a personal development journey before or with someone you meet. 

Hopefully, you set that psychiatrist appointment. The more you say you don’t need one. The worse it’s gonna be. 

If you chose to go with the WITH option (a wordplay on point). Brutally and quickly assess and address your own internal vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Under what circumstances do you lie, cheat, or want to hurt others. How you best learn and retain information. Name three of the biggest positive experiences in your lifetime. Now name three reasons for each that those experiences would not have the same effect on your potential submissive or trainee. 

There are definitive differences between weakness and vulnerability. Strength and resilience. A flaw versus a defect. And having knowledge versus understanding information. 

After the formalities. Forewarn and then engage.  Short, deep, and brutal conversations. Childhood trauma, learning styles, family history, genetic disorders, medications/allergies, and so on. 

3. Define, adapt, and improve your standards and boundaries. A perfect bad example of this is when you have a meal plan, but get hungry to the point self-discipline collapses and you eat what you have to. Reverse engineer that. If you come up with viable solutions that can be written down and implements, know that this helped me help others deal with addictions to video gaming, porn, casual dating, or gambling. 

Once the fence is set up, you can’t cave bruh. I know...hoes, distractions, junk food, and digital cocaine have trained you differently. 

4. Absolve the fever: if you’re a monk or troll, we get it. You can shut the fuck up. This is for those like myself. 

It’s common knowledge that men lose logical reasoning when aroused. In a commercial consumer society, keeping men aroused in order to control us in our most susceptible state, is the goal.

From what I’ve seen in modern America. The aforementioned model exists in everything from cologne to cars, the idea of having or doing something in order to satisfy our needs for physical and emotional intimacy. 

Current thoughts on a monogamous relationship: Will only teach me how to engage, argue, and have sex with a single person. Thereby leaving a single point of failure for my experiences and skills in romance. The argument of long term positive habits aside, I believe monogamy fails in the long run because it's based mostly on external interests. Socioeconomic status, what your family/friends think, what religion says based on a book written by people you never met, who are still to this day arguing what the hearsay of dead people meant. In addition, it is rarely made personally adaptable. It's a rigid foundation of who/what goes where. A system to handle relationships, under the pretext of free will, under the pretense of eternal damnation. Referenced in a legal contract with the state to dictate who gets what in event of death or break up. That's too much for me to process as a natural choice in mate selection.  

Please do read on for the approach that worked for me. Go to a target-rich environment for you. South America and East Asia for American men in general. Germany and Ukraine for black and Hispanic men. Thailand is for white guys. But it’s twisted now. Fuck until you get that control collar out of your subconscious. 
One of the main advantages that women have had over me in relationships is the development and benefits that come from being consistently pursued and offered material things in exchange for the company.

Until you know you know how that feels, it will be difficult if not impossible to get along with women in any capacity. It’s been a base foundation of logic for many female life experiences. Knowing this has been essential in my journey as a dom. 

5. Should have mentioned this earlier. Finances. Set a budget. Never go over it. Period. 

WHEN you do, choose rent and food over utilities. It’s illegal for most companies to cut off utilities during winter. Pay cell phone over internet. Don’t sell your car. Downsize monthly. Donating to charity is a joke. Get your money back if you can. 

Be honest, if you’re barely supporting yourself as an individual. You’re not ready to support and/or provide for someone else. Even if you're sharing bills with a sub, leadership is defined by the scope of influence. Keep your house clean and finances in order before involving others

6. Hygiene. Once you keep a refinement of recovery and neatness, it will come glaringly clear how many people you hang with....who don’t. Inform them then cut off those who can’t keep up. We all need to progress. 

to the new doms: shower daily, moisturize, manscape, clean your toilets and kitchen, sweep out under that bed and organize all that paperwork sitting around the house. whatever is messed up in the dark is usually what we need to work on. 

Inflation and life crises will come. Doubled by the number of people you bring in. to my fellow poly doms, it’s like fire prevention. Don’t let that spark burn your house down. 

7. Understand that I’m high right now. There are no official references to what I said above and we don’t know each other. But if you wanna share and learn together. Let me know. Dinner with the old lady may interrupt though