Let’s be honest for a minute

I have been busy with my business, building the infrastructure to create something long lasting. The hours are long on top of a full time job, attention to detail required, listening to customers and watching and learning from others. Taking the time to invest in something I truly want.

My approach to my business is how I approach a new dynamic. Get to know you as a person, learn about each other, see what is real and what is not. If there is interest then we build and develop. Not every dynamic is meant to be a sexual one or one that may be seen as traditional. Some are of learning and mutual respect. I have been talking to a sub on here for a while, there won’t be a dynamic between us in the standard sense but there is a dynamic of building mutual respect and navigating different situations. There is a space for them to explore and a space for me to reflect and guide but also connect with someone and to have interesting conversations.

I enjoy that aspect of this site the being able to connect with people, though always prefer dynamics irl it is also refreshing to connect with people and interact in an area of mutual respect. That doesn’t mean my whips and paddle are not waiting on the sidelines just waiting to come out and play, it just means that there is more than one way to enjoy being me, and part of this community. 

I look forward to the next conversation and the ones that lead to building something interesting 

I haven’t slept and am now running on over 24hrs without sleep, with no rest in sight. I had a stall at a market yesterday for my business, it didn’t go as well I had hoped. It did though; make me think, give me ideas, see what I could improve. Looking at what other traders did, looking for ways to stand out, listening to feedback from others. I have been up all night designing new labelling for some of my items, looking up new recipes, tweaking others, gathering ideas but remaining true to my brand, to what I am trying to create.The heart of my small business.

So what does this have to do with anything in this world? Translate this into the world of dominance and submission, the learning about each other, the likes and dislikes, learning from others by having conversations, interacting in this world, reading and listening. I’ve blogged about this before, yet it is a conversation I return to. The core of who I am doesn’t change, I respect you, I expect respect in return, if it is not given then I will walk away. I know who I am yet am constantly tweaking and refining. What does my sub need? What do I need? What do we need? The fascinating characters you meet along the way, you pick and choose what you want from them. Some are in your life for a short while and have a profound effect or you have a profound effect on them; either good, bad or maybe indifferent. Yesterday I learnt from others by both what they did and didn’t do, I learnt what makes my small business unique and what i know I will continue to stay true to.

It is the same for me as a person, I engage, I flirt, I watch, I learn, I give and receive, I take and am given to. Dominance and submission are both about learning and growing, staying true to who you are but being happy to explore, learning and knowing what you are willing to change and that which you will hold close. Whilst shaping a sub into true submission, they too are shaping you, the people you meet along the way, they can too if you wish or not if you don’t.

Enjoy the beginning, don’t lose out to the headiness or what the crowd is doing. I for one will continue my journey and look forward to meeting some of you along the way.

The dance of seduction and flirtation, the subtle glance, the little smile, a slight touch. Walking a line of professionalism and flirtation within the office environment. Never crossing the line. The dance part of the game, the thrill. Two powerful people manoeuvring around each other, enjoying the balancing act, the game but knowing the line. 

Do you cross this line or do you walk the tightrope? Enjoying the tease, the power exchange, knowing he would be on his knees if I  said the word but neither of us taking that step… knowing he admires the curve of my hip, the shape of my leg, the way my ass looks in heels, him knowing that I know that he looks and admires. 

Delightfully delicious. A moment to enjoy, until the next time we dance our dance

Last week I sat for a new tattoo. With the craziness going on in my life at first the thought of sitting for over 4 hrs when there were a million other things I needed to do, not least finish baking and decorating my first big order, I was excited but anxious of the time I was wasting. Instead the experience turned into one which settled me and filled my heart with joy. Sitting watching the tattoo artist at work, the pain leading to something beautiful reminded me of the beauty of someone giving into their submission, of  using my paddle or a flogger on a beautiful ass to bring pain leading to exquisite pleasure. The beauty and the pain. The release and that handing over of trust and control to reach a new height.

I miss watching this transformation to watch a person submit and them truly relax and enjoy the pain and pleasure. So I have made a promise to myself, to not let everything else in my life push out the exquisite pleasure of life.

And if you were wondering, yes the tattoo has meaning. The kite represents me and I will leave it there for you to ponder why.

This week I hurt two very special people in my life, you know who you are. Not intentionally, not maliciously but I hurt them nonetheless. I pride myself on my honesty and respect, expecting to put as much into a dynamic as I expect from the other person. I believe the energy you invest in a dynamic is important and for me, as a domme, to hold the space and structure and provide the support required to enable the dynamic to grow and a submissive to flourish.

Due to time commitments, I am starting my own business on top of working full time, I have had to say that I need to step back from these two dynamics as I do not have the head space or emotional space to provide them with the support they deserve. I have not taken this decision lightly but after much reflection and a long conversation with my husband. The decision based on this; that at the end of the day, it is unfair of me expect them to respect me as their domme if I am unable to provide, at this time, the support, structure and respect they deserve.

Am I upset by this, yes, am I saddened by the pain I have caused, absolutely. Do I believe I am wrong in this decision, no. Others may disagree. As hard as it is, for now it is the right one. These two dynamics are worth proper investment and not just a slither of my attention.

To the two very special people that I am referring to, know this, you deserve the respect and time of Domme/Dom who is able to give you the support and structure that you desire. You are both amazing and beautiful people. Supporting you to flourish has bought me much happiness. May you hold onto the fact that, in this instance, the cliche is very true, it is me and not you.  Be Strong, Be Beautiful, Be Fearless and remember your worth x

On a blog post by @Orgazmo, there is a post which says ‘A dominant accepts you for who you are and help you become who you should be’.  This resonates very strongly with me, especially after conversations I have been having with two lovely subs over the past week or two. I am a firm believer that I am not there to judge, but there to support, to give guidance (and a firm hand when needed) to support a person to be who they are meant to be, to be confident within themselves, their wants and desires. 

A blog on another site, written by a sub, commented how within any dynamic there needs to be the space for communication, to be open and to allow the sub to express themselves. I believe that this aligns with accepting who you are, and helping you become who you should be. We are not one or two dimensional. We are messy, loud, multi dimensional creatures and being a sub and wanting a dominant is one part of a person, like being a dominant and wanting a sub is one part of a dominant, though they may be integral to who we are. I love the sweet surrender of a submissive, the willingness and trust in handing over their control to me, knowing that they can be who they are and want to be and I will support and push (not boundaries) to be who they should be. Can this be both light and dark, joy and desire, pain and pleasure, submission and control? Why yes it can and that is in the beauty of accepting a sub for whom they are, to help them become who they can and should be.

I will end this slight ramble down a forest path, with this final thought, whilst in Italy earlier this year I met a lovely Italian man who I ended up talking to about ‘memento mori’ Latin for ‘you to have die’. This conversation led me to getting a tattoo the very next day, booked on a train whilst on the way to Pompeii,  funny story, by an amazing tattoo artist (I was lucky cause it was not tourist season yet so they weren’t busy). The tattoo says ‘Memento Mori, Memento Vivere’ which roughly translates to ‘you have to die, so you have to live’. A reminder to myself to own and be who I am and to work towards being better and trying new things. A reminder of the duel dichotomy of life but there is, hopefully, a whole lot we can do in between.

Oh this weather is glorious, people smile more, you want to get naked more and just be naughty 😈 

And as I sit here with a cool alcoholic drink I am pondering the question that I have been asked a lot this week, that of ‘how long have you been a domme?’ When I hear this question I feel like I should have attended a domme school or training course. Sorry folks, if there is a school with a certificate I was supposed to attend, I will disappoint you and say I didn’t. If the questions are; how long have you known you were a domme? How long have you been a strong woman? How long have you known what you want? How long have you owned who you are? Now those are different questions and ones worth asking and discussing.

I, like any beautiful rose with sharp thorns, have grown and learnt, known struggles and pain. I have grown into myself, accepted myself, my sexuality, the way I want to love and live and my likes and dislikes. Being a domme is part of me, it is not something I have been taught, or just become. Have I made mistakes? Of course. Do I continue to learn? Of course. Do I question how long you have been a sub or you have been a dom/me? No, as if you are a submissive or a dom/me or both, then you have not just become, you are. You have grown, you have accepted and you want to continue to experience and learn. 

Are you new to your journey, then welcome, are you further on your travels, welcome to you too, what learnings can we share? Let us travel down our various paths and at the different intersections respectfully converse, have some fun (if both consent) and see where we go from there.

In the meantime I will continue enjoying this glorious heat and a cheeky drink or two.

I write this as I am going on 36hrs without sleep, so if it comes across as slightly delirious, I forgive myself. The reason I have been up so long, is because I had an accidental run in with a big kitchen knife and instead of chopping into a sweet potato, which ended up on the floor, I instead ended up cutting into my finger. Cue me running around the house, with a tissue around my finger, blood dripping and me calling for my husband to help. I will not bore you with all the details but needless to say, at 12.30am BST, I ended up in the Accident and Emergency (A&E) department and sat there for 6.5hrs, going on 7hrs, with my finger in the air, to stop the bleeding, until I was finally able to see the doctor at just past 7am this morning. I then safely returned home, with a bandaged finger which I can’t currently use. 

Now in all of this excitement two things struck me. Firstly, I am very grateful for the NHS and those brilliant and kind people who are the doctors, nurses, cleaners, reception staff etc who are there when we need them to be. Secondly, WHY THE HELL did they have a triaging system in place when they didn’t use it effectively or efficiently? Why did they not say to me ‘Mrs idiot who cut your finger’, we can’t put stitches in your finger where you cut yourself, we can’t do much to help you, but clean the wound and bandage you up and send you on your merry way. So actually turn around, go home, ask your husband to bandage your finger for you and sit on your coach, in comfort, with your finger in the air to stop the bleeding.’

So what does this have to do with anything? As I sit here now the parallels of triaging (but less clinically) of new people, people you have known a while and are exploring new territory or just even remerging people in this world, if not done effectively, empathetically but efficiently will mean that potentially you could be left in a position, where you are halfway into a brilliant conversation and realise you don’t know what the sub or domme wants. Or you don’t know if you are both exploring and wanting dynamics, or just wanting to meet people who you can share your thoughts with as friends and acquaintances . You don’t know if you are building connections or if this is just some fun play time. Without that triaging of asking questions, listening to the answers, exploring what something means, you do not know whether there is a potential to find a wonderful connection or just a fleeting connection from which you may or may not learn or even something which truly doesn’t work for one or both of you.

If someone had told me there was no point in sitting in A&E for 7hrs, for reasons listed above, I would have listened, said thank you very much, hope your evening isn’t too busy and gone home. It is the same when you meet people in our world, ask questions, be honest with what you want, explore likes and dislikes, what you wanting to get out of the conversation or dynamic and don’t be ashamed if you want a bit of fun or just want to meet people to chat too. Don’t hide yourself. That effective triaging is key to developing what you want and allowing us all to move forward and make decisions.

I like this time late at night, I use it to sort through things in my head, to look at wants and needs and to analyse my day, my week or something that has happened.

I like the quiet to calm my storm, to re-centre myself and to think through whether my needs and wants are aligned with people that I am talking to. I have had a week of having to walk away from people who want me to be their domme, I have had some truly interesting conversations and like always, I am lucky that most people I meet are wonderful people (those that aren’t I walk away from very quickly and I have no guilt in that). I have been told by many that I have spoken to recently, that I am a true domme, I am working out what that means, any thoughts please do send them on a postcard, but I interpret this to mean my energy and my approach. What this doesn’t mean is that I will take on anyone, if I don’t meet your needs I won’t be insulted, if you don’t respect my time and requests then I am not the right domme for you. Getting to know a person, their likes, what makes them ticks, to have a conversation is just as important as knowing that you want discipline etc.

Being a domme is me, it is who I am, I cannot remove that part of me but that does not mean, it is all of me, though it does come out in my daily life. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to know and talk to people. I say I want an intelligent sub, what I mean by that is someone who is aware of who they are, who is submissive, but also able to hold a conversation who listens and learns, who can teach me things. Who accepts their core, though it is just one part of them. We grow and develop by interacting with different people, by learning new techniques, by exploring this world, our kinks and fantasies, meeting other people, sharing ideas. In saying all of this if I do not find the conversation is flowing or that we are meeting each others needs, I will not ghost you or go quietly into the night, I will acknowledge the fact that I am not the right domme, or the conversation is not working, wish you well and say goodbye. There is power in walking away and there is power in accepting that it’s just not going to work. There is also power in saying this not for you or we aren’t aligning. Is this a reflection on you? No it just means we have different needs. 

I will end this splurge of thought with one finally thought, it is empowering to know what you want, to submit or to dominate but also be bold in knowing what you don’t want. And with that I look forward to many more interesting conversations 

A couple of months ago I was speaking to a Master, during one of our conversations, about a sub, he suddenly said to me that I should not to be afraid of my darkest desire. I responded back, ‘don’t mistake me being respectful as being fearful of what and who I am.’

I was reminded of this conversation after reading this post highlighted by the cage team - https://thecage.co/magazine,283.html. It made me think about respect and boundaries. I expect respect to be given as I should give it to others, unless something has happened, where respect is no longer warranted. I was further reminded of this conversation whilst speaking to a lovely sub whose previous dom had made her think that she couldn’t say no. A bit like the article says this is a red flag both ways. If someone has been respectful of my time and communicated to me that they are unable to do something for a valid reason, then being respectful back, acknowledging what has been said and discussing it, creates an environment whereby the person trusts me further and deepens our understanding of each other. It also builds mutual respect. If I am not communicated with, then that is disrespectful and I will not waste my time on you.

Alternatively in respecting yourself and being clear in what you want and how you want to be treated allows you to confidently and politely walk away, decline if someone approaches you and does not treat you with respect or you feel that you are not compatible. In respecting myself and my needs, I am able to walk away from subs and tell them we aren’t compatible whilst still being respectful of their wants and needs.

I will end this post as I started it, don’t mistake my respectfulness for fear or weakness. Instead see it for what it is, that it means I respect myself and will respect you as a person. That I know what I want and that I know who I am. I hope that you too, know you deserve this (unless you don’t want it in your dynamic 😘)