Firecracker Diaries - A combination of stories, random thoughts and an appreciation log of life with Daddy

16 more days...

Sounds like a long time. I know it’s really not...but at this moment it feels like forever. 

Nights are the hardest for me. You see...when we are together he holds me tight all night...we rotate back and forth holding each other. Our bodies touching everywhere. We even hold hands while we sleep! Even when I’m like a fireball...he still holds me. He rocks me out of my nightmares when they come on...I have less of them when he’s with me.

I dread nighttime when he’s gone. It’s the loneliness time. Even with pillows all around me...it’s still hard to sleep...and I’m a sleeper!!! I miss his breathing...his soft skin...his smell. How did I ever sleep without him before??

My bedtime routine is just not right when I don’t have his chest to lay on...listening to his heart beat...studying his face...and kissing him goodnight...getting to hear the sweet “I love you” in the middle of the night when he thinks I’m asleep. Getting the videos of me sleeping and snoring sent to my phone ....

I review every picture every night...just to ease my anxiety and have all the mental pictures before I close my eyes. I refresh my pillow with his cologne to try and be with him while I sleep.

16 more days...

Until tomorrow.

D Day for the 5th time and it’s still no better than the first time. I feel emptiness...

I keep hoping at some point I will get used to it...but I’m not. I think I’m learning to cope a little better and maybe better prepared mentally for it...but the emptiness and loneliness just hurts more. Even when I know it’s coming...the pain is still horrible. My air has been taken from me and I feel like I am slowly suffocating. 

I have planned out my days to ensure I won’t just sit, cry and stare at the wall begging for the time to hurry and bring him back to me. I will be productive...and I will try and curb the tears to a minimum. He suggested I look at it as a really really long day...and the nights as my naps until he comes home to me. 

I can do this...I am his and he gives me strength. Time to start the countdown....17 days....

Until tomorrow...

Tonight’s our last night together for a while so I’m going to keep this short. I will be back tomorrow blogging all of my misery...

Take time to love on each other. Kiss each other often. Tell them you love them. Hold hands whenever you can. Make love, have sex, ravage each other. Look at them often...taking in every single feature. Memorize their voice and their scent. Appreciate every moment. 

Be in love...every second.

Until tomorrow...

I should not be thankful for a winter storm...and I’m sorry for everyone that is effected negatively...but for me it has allowed me to keep him a couple more days.

Since his travel has been delayed due to the storm I get to keep him a couple more days. And it is well needed...I’m dreading this upcoming trip apart.

I have been blessed to be able to have been with him pretty much the entire time for the last 40 days...just a brief little 5 days apart. I am not prepared to be without him for 18 days....and I was dreading taking him to the airport this morning. I knew that I could not hold it together this time. I had already started crying last night. Just watching him gather his things was too much. Hopefully I can get it together before Monday morning before I have to take him. I’m thinking a couple more days is exactly what the doctor ordered.

It has messed me up so bad that I have forgotten or lost track of when some of my tasks were due...leaving me with punishments that will soon come due. 

Hopefully he will be compassionate when he delivers my punishments...as these were due to my distress of preparing to be without him...after being spoiled with getting to have him for as long as I have....I honestly don’t know what I am going to do.

Think of me in the coming days...I’m going to need some support!! But I’m going to enjoy the next 48 hours....

Until tomorrow...

Why is it that I am strong and confident in every aspect of my life...but with him I’m sometimes paranoid and all the insecurities creep in.

The slightest thought that he might be upset with me or that I might have disappointed him in anyway is absolutely crushing to me.! Like debilitating and painful. It will take me to a place where I don’t know what to do. 

This is something I have been working on because it’s all very new to me. I don’t know how to act or what to say when I actually care about not wanting to lose someone. My usual before was to just be like...I don’t care, go if you want...but now it’s different and I don’t want him to ever go. This causes problems that I create...because this makes me hold back and that’s not what he wants. He wants me to be open and forthcoming with all my thoughts and fears. 

This is all about my personal insecurities I know...and I’ve gotten so much better than 6 months ago. But it’s still a daily struggle to accept that he loves me for who I am.

I working on it...but it’s still hard. 

Until tomorrow...

Stress is a funny thing...it effects people different. 

Me...I’m the type that the more stress I am under the more cooler I get. It’s almost like it’s where I strive and the best parts of me come out. Being under pressure just makes me become my best self.

Him...the total opposite of me. Stress puts him in a negative place. Throws his world in a spin...and he says that sometimes his anger will spill out. I haven’t seen that yet...but I’m sure I will someday.

But when we are together we balance each other. I can calm him when he is frustrated and feeling overwhelmed. And he can settle my emotions when I feel them coming in.

Sometimes I’m too relaxed...meaning I forget about things. But in the same regard...I get panicked if I’m not getting some sort of direction or validation from him. I’m pretty relaxed about everything...except him. I worry constantly about if I’m doing the right things...am I making him happy? I want to help him when he needs me....it’s where I perform the best. But I hate to see him having to deal with any drama....

I think as a submissive it’s hard to know when to step in an say “lean on me” for a bit...I got you. And I think as a Dom...it’s hard to admit you might actually need it.

Our balance is finding itself...and we are finding our yin and yang with each other.  

Until tomorrow...

Soooo...over the past couple of days we have made the decision to look for a permanent home together. !!!

We have been living together (well...his 10 days off) for 5 months now...but the place is not “ours”.  I can’t tell you how excited I am to really start our lives together. 

Our connection grows stronger every single day! This all is wonderful and exciting and exactly what I want in my life...it also makes it extremely hard to be away from him. So us building on the life we want to make together is helping my anxiety of him leaving in 4 days.

I will have lots to focus on during his next work days. Looking for homes and looking for a job. Setting us up to look at homes during his next days off and hopefully planning a move!

This man is my life. I have submitted my everything to him...and I can’t wait to be able to serve him in our home!!!

More to come!

Until tomorrow...

We drove home today...

We had a great trip!!! But the drive home was something we both needed. We were able to talk for a good long time. Expressing what we what for our future and for each other. I was able to express some of my fears and feelings...and he helped relieve them. 

My Master is everything to me...and being able to have someone that understands me and what’s to protect me and keep me is extremely fulfilling. I never dreamed I could feel so complete and connected with someone. The fear is losing him...and everyday he helps me feel more at ease...

I still struggle with feelings of not deserving of him...or more like feelings of its to good to be true and at any moment the illusion will be gone...but he is helping me fight those feelings. 

I have submitted my everything to him...and sometimes it’s hard to believe that I am deserving of a man that wants it...but I do!

Thank you Master for choosing me...I am yours forever!

Until tomorrow...

Just knowing that I belong to someone is an extraordinary feeling. I love knowing that he has me and us as a priority. To really be adored and treasured to a man that I feel the same way about is absolutely the best.

The way he makes me feel...I would give up everything to keep. The way we are together is precious to me...and it’s hard not to be defensive of it. This life is the one I always dreamed of. It’s far from perfect...but I will continue to submit myself to him. He makes me complete...

I am his...

Until tomorrow...

Watching him enjoy life is priceless to me. Seeing him with his best friend and listening to all their stories...made for a great day! 

There were many things that happened yesterday...including some moments that were not so pleasurable for him...but everything lead us to being closer by the end of the day.

As we crawled into bed last night...both exhausted...I was feeling super close and connected to him...more than usual. I ask him if I can make love to him and he tells me yes.

We made love slow and sensual. We touched each other all over...I was more relaxed than I have ever been...I made sounds I have never made...and I had orgasms that were long and beautiful...my skin felt like it was absorbing him...the pleasure he gave me connected to all parts of me...including my heart and soul...this made my orgasms loud and powerful. 

I’ve never felt so connected...physically, sexually and mentally. It was absolute magic. I’m not even sure I have all the right words to explain.

We held each other tightly and slept like king and queen after a feast!!! When we woke this morning (5 1/2 hours later)....as we lay there teasing each other about why we were both awake...listening to the sounds in this house...wondering if we are apart of some crazy scary movie....I’m rubbing him and enjoying his skin when he tells me what to do... having him in my mouth first thing in the morning is a treat...listening to him talk dirty to me and be rough with me to start the day...OMG it’s such a turn on!!! 

Starting the day with multiple orgasms is awesome...but sitting on the couch cuddled in a blanket on a Sunday morning...smelling like each other...is absolutely priceless.

Until tomorrow....