Firecracker Diaries - A combination of stories, random thoughts and an appreciation log of life with Daddy

Less than 24 hours now...

Nails done...pedicure done...

I have the outfit picked out that I will wear to pick him up already laid out and ready to put on....

I have everything ready for him...

I can't wait to be back in his arms...holding me tight.

Every second drags at this point....

I need him so badly...

I can't wait to blog tomorrow....our reunion will be complete!!!

And I will have him all to myself for 10 days.....10 days of heaven.

Until tomorrow......

We are both going crazy to have each other....with 2 more days to go our appetite for each others bodies is out of control.

Master told me yesterday that he wanted a video of me playing with my pussy so he could see what he is missing... I made lots of excuses all day or changed the subject to avoid this topic. I mean I have never done that before...made or sent a picture or a video of me touching myself...what was I going to do?? What if it didn't look good?? How do I make myself sexy in a video? What if he doesn't like it??

So last night he sends me a text that basically said...I have made a request for a video multiple times and you're disobeying me. OH shit....and I had just been sent the lists of potential punishments I could be given....I need to get up the courage to do this...

I find the perfect spot to put the phone to film myself and I strip. I press the record button and go... I caress my pussy and open it up. Slid my fingers in and feel my warmth..oh I'm wet! This is turning me on... I tickle my clit with my fingernails and moan....slide my finger inbetween my super hot lips....OH GOD I have not came in 20 days, I can't stand this for long. You can hear my pussy and all it's wetness as my fingers slide in and out and flicking my clit.....I remember that I still don't have permission to cum...I stop and send him the video.

I laid down in the bed wishing I had finished...thinking in my mind that if I rub my legs together I am sure i will cum....will it count as not getting permission to cum if I didn't actually touch myself?? As I toss in the bed...wishing I could relieve this pressure...He calls.

I open the video call and he says...I like seeing your pussy...but I want to see it all....I want to see your face while you pay with yourself. Why don't you cum and let me see your face? What?? I have permission to cum?? Yes baby...cum for Master. So with one hand holding the phone out....and the other covering every inch of my pussy I start to play. Oh my GOD this feels so good....and its so hot that he is watching me!!! No one has ever watched me play with myself...live or on video....my pussy is so wet....and feels so good on my super smooth pussy....and him watching me with those eyes...It doesn't take me long....and OMG my body explodes!!! I even shutter and jerk after feeling the after shocks....these normally don't happen with masterbation...only great sex. He tells me I did good and he is proud of me...I feel like I have just been given a great gift. I thank Master...and I know he can see that I want to sleep...he binds me goodnight, tucks me in and we end the call.

I slept like a queen....

Less than 48 hours now....and my heart, soul and pussy will be in heaven!

Until tomorrow...

3 more days....

As I ache for him...the anticipation of us back together makes my nipples hard, my pussy wet and my clit throb. As the days count down...the thirst I have for him just grows stronger. 

Each day we talk via video in and out most all day long...I can see the hunger in his eyes growing stronger as well. Our animal instinct becoming more primal each day. Our first hour together will be a blur of passion I know...

I day dream about what will happen...how he will take me...how my body is ready for him to take it all. The reunited kiss...long and hard...not wanting to let each other go. Taking in his smell and becoming intoxicated by it...tasting him again...letting his fingers embrace my head and pull my hair to bring me in closer to him. Feeling his body and the massive hard on in his pants...literally grinding on each other out of instinct.

Once in the car...I want to take him. Take him in my mouth so I can taste him....worship his cock with my lips and show him how I have missed him. Can I climb on top of him in the car? Let him thrust into me right there in the airport parking lot?? Like two wild teenagers who are sneeking away from their parents to fuck!!!

How will we make it home if all I want is to have him inside of me??? Will we pull over on the side of the road, crawl into the back seat so he can fuck me on all fours in the cargo area? Can we fuck a little longer in the garage while I am getting carpet burn on my ass from the back of the cargo area...hanging on to the lift gate??

I want him to control of me and give me everything he has been holding for 21 days...let the animal out! Fuck me hardcore and leave his mark on me.

We will have time to make love as much as we want....but in the that first hour...I want him to show me whos Boss...Why he's my Daddy...and the Master he is.

I can't wait....

Until tomorrow...

Have you ever felt like something was too good to be true? That feeling of impending doom just because that's the way the world has always worked for you? Mostly it's your psyche messing with you....but it's there. 

I have been dealing with these thoughts for several days now...and I'm hoping if I tell everyone the why maybe I can work it out in my mind and it will stop!!!! I have never had a healthy male relationship in my life...every single one has failed me in some way shape form or fashion. My father gave up rights to me when I was very young so he didn't have to pay anymore, stepdad #1 beat my mother, stepdad #2 didn't want me so he degraded me at every opportunity, husband #1 hit and cheated and then finally husband #2 was a roommate who help pay the bills (thats it) oh yeah and cheated. So my track record with males is really really shaky.

This brings you to what happens in my mind after all of this....with all of these opportunities for someone to love me and they didn't...surely something is wrong with me? Maybe I did something wrong....was I not pretty enough? skinny enough? make enough money? make too much money? not good in bed? too aggressive? not aggressive enough? Well...you get the picture.....and for the past several years I had resound myself to not care about these things....I built up my self esteem and put all of these things in the past....and I have manuvered through different men since then without even thinking about these things. I have kept men at arms distance....and never let myself feel like I do now.

Then He comes along...my One. I fall head over heels, ready to change my world and become his...in love with this man. And I will be damned that those damn thoughts came right back?!?!? Is it because I am so afraid of losing him? Or am I afraid of what it will do to me if he fails me too? Maybe it's both. 

I'm trying so hard to relax and just let what happens happen....but little things happen that make it all play in my head...that evil little bitch voice that says "you will never be loved...you will never have the dream...your not good enough"...AND I HATE THAT BITCH!!! I want to shut it off and never hear that bitches voice in my head again!! I do deserve this...I have been waiting for this my entire life!! I have been preparing to love someone like I love him. I have been taught exactly what I DONT want in a man. And guess what....he is the ONE I have been waiting for. He is nothing like the others...NOTHING! He has treated me 1000X's better in our first month than I have ever been treated in my life. 

He has never given me a reason not to trust him...even when there have been outside forces trying to pull me the other way...or pull him....he has not strayed from me. The amount of time he focuses on me even as he is away is amazing...and makes me feel so special...I can't even explain. He has included me in very personal conversations and pulled me into his world on every turn...which just makes me fall deeper in love with him. He pulls emotions out of me that I didn't even realize I had...and I believe as I submit myself further and as he guides us to our perfect D/S bond...my admiration and love for him will grow deeper and deeper. 

This is what is should be....and everything that happened in my life should have happened...it has led me here. Even with all of my experiences...I am grateful to begin this wonderful and new life he is giving me...but I am most grateful the he has chosen me. 

See...that does make me feel better....I worked it out in my head as I wrote.

Its getting closer to him coming home...and the anticipation of it all is so exhilarating. My body aches for him...for his touch, his kiss, his body moving with mine...to have him inside of me completing my body's rhythm...making the world right again. But more than that...I need to be connecting with him in person so I can be the best for him in all aspects of his life...and mine.

4 MORE DAYS!!!

Until tomorrow....

Excited to get him back...excited to really be in this new life and relationship we have started...ready to be his sub, his slave, his everything in the flesh for 10 days!! STRAIGHT!!!

We have been discussing all the things we want to experience with each other. All the things we want to do. I am learning more each day how to respond as his sub...and these conversations just bring us closer an closer. I can't wait to see what experiencing these moments does to our relationship.

This is my first relationship as D/S and first experiences in the BDSM lifestyle. My experiences in the past have been very vanilla in comparison to what I am open to trying/doing with him. He wants me to tell him what I want to try and do...and of course my first reaction is the normal fifty shades of gray answer - tie me up, bondage, blindfold me, sensory play, spanking, teasing an light torture. I'm not even sure what else I should mention at this point?? Is it strange that I want to try everything with this man?? I want to try the things that I didn't even know exsisted!! Its hard to admit that I am extremely green in this area...its kind of embarrassing to say I am jumping in with both feet and I have no idea what I am even jumping into!

But with him it feels right...I feel the need to open up everything for him...I feel more free with him than I have in my entire life. I feel more alive everyday...because of him.

But this is extremely exciting for me!! I have been searching all of the blogs and forums to get more information...I want to know what I don't know...I want to know where to start...what to tell him I want to do!! I want to find things to do to him...things that will amaze and blow his mind! Please him beyond his wildest dreams!! How can I get this information downloaded into my brain?!?!

My soul has opened up to this man...now my heart and soul belong to him completely. I want my body to experience everything with this man...my one. I will use my time with him wisely and value every single minute...cherish every single kiss and hug...memorize every single touch and feeling. Im so gitty with the thought of learning more about my body and worshiping his...I feel like a little girl with a brand new bag of make-up....Im ready to put it on, get dressed up and rock his world!!

5 MORE DAYS!!! :-)

Until tomorrow...

6 more days...

Its so close and still so far away. Every single moment feels like forever when you are away from the one that makes the blood pump through your body, the one that is the feeling in your skin, the air you breathe and the harmony to my song.

I'm playing our moment when we are back together over and over in my head...and no matter how it's played out...it's mind blowing.

Just thinking about having him back here, breathing his air, smelling his smell and feeling his touch makes me wet. My body is in such withdrawl from him...that I might just orgasm at the sight of him in the airport. My lips crave to be connected to his, my hands all over his body, his eyes looking into mine. Our first night will be unrelenting...

I am also excited to be fullying engaged in our D/S relationship. All of the rules will be in effect and I will be expected to execute all of my duties as his slave. I'm extremely excited to show him my full devotion daily...worshiping his body daily and kneeling at his throne(so to speak). Submitting myself to all his needs an having him guide me into all that he has to teach me in our physical playtime. Introducing me to my new world of exploritory sexual escapades and making new experiences for us both...exploring all of the sensations our bodies can give us.

I am nervous that I might put myself into punishment with my actions (or my mouth) or a rule I might break...and how am I going to respond to the punishment? Will it teach me a lesson? Will it be painful? Will I cry like a 2 year old? Will I like it? All of these thoughts run through my head...and I fear that my overthinking things will lead to some sort of disappointment from him...and that's really what I want to avoid!!! 

How to I stop overthinking about the one that I can't stop thinking about??? I just want everything to be perfect...and I don't want myself to ruin it. Lol...that sounds crazy...but it could happen! 

I want to be as perfect for him as he makes me feel. I want to give him everything he deserves and more. I want him to have enough "moments" to make it through the next 20 days when he has to go back. I want to be able to share some of the amazing moments in this blog for everyone to see how perfect he is...

The butterflies are in full flight everyday just thinking of him...and each night I write this blog brings me another day closer to him.

Until tomorrow...

Only 7 more days until he is home...and my tears are flowing tonight. 

I feel so very blessed to have found my "one"...how could I have ever imagined this feeling I have for him. These feelings amaze me daily and catch me totally off guard...tears will just roll down my face just thinking about him. I feel like I cant breathe at times without him near me...or knowing I cant be with him tonight. It kills me that I should be there to care for his every need, want and desire...and I'm not. How horrible it makes me feel that I am not doing right by him.

Its so strange to me that before I entered into this relationship...my idea of what this was going to be or how these relationships went was totally wrong. I was always intrigued with idea of being a submissive in the bedroom and playing a part...I never actually thought it would be a lifestyle. I also never concidered the emotional side of it. I thought it would be something like this....I am told how to do it and when...and thats pretty much it.

So here I am...a collared submissive...slave for my Master...owned....how ever you want to call it...here I am and it's nothing like that at all.

It could be that I fell for him before he collared me...but submitting myself to him has been more than just waiting for him to tell me how he wants it. Its making sure that everything I do contributes not only to his happiness but enriches our relationship. Its allowing myself to give my everything to him so he can open up my body for extreme pleasure, open up my emotions to being free and honest and guiding me to blend them both to experience what true love is...through the body and mind.

He has opened my soul and let himself in...he shall never want to anything anymore...all I have I would give him. What I wouldn't do to make him happy...what I would do to ensure he understands everyday how much his happiness is my happiness.

Here lies the curse in this situation. I am cursed to be pained with not having him with me daily so I can care for him. Which makes me doubt every single day that I am worthy to be called his. Am I doing what my soul has vowed to him? Am I taking care of him like my heart has promised? No...I am not...and this adds to the pain of my selfish needs to be with him and my promise to care and submit all for his happiness.

He comforts me daily and encourages me with his kind words and wonderful optimism for everything...but I need him more than he knows...not only for me but for him. I don't want him to see my pain...sometimes it just comes out. And I fear it will get worse If I don't figure out a way to be with him longer tha 10 days a month...

I want him to be proud of who he has collared for himself...I want him to know what a King really feels like...everyday.

Until tomorrow...

Lucky number 13 means I only have 7 more days with out him!! Its getting closer and I cant wait!

He asked me today why I am so taken with him...I dont know if I can put it into words and do it justice...but I am going to try.

First of all I do truly believe that everyone has the "one" out there for them. Sometimes it's the "one" that you have for the moment...the "one" that filled a void for a brief period of time...the "one" you should have ran away from...and ultimately the "one" that completes your soul. The "one" that will complete your soul is what everyone wants...but usually never finds. I believe I have found mine...

I have had lovers and husbands...some were good and some were not. Some made me fill good some not. Some I kept around for different reasons or for convienence or because I was in such a bad place personally...I didn't have the strength to leave. But from the moment I met him...I knew he was special.

I was drawn to him for no other reason than there was something telling me to hold on to him...don't jump to fast or you will scare him...but hold on and don't give up on this one. I looked forward to seeing him even if it was just for a brief moment...I made excuses to need to talk to him...played it cool so that he wouldn't know I was dying for him to pay attention to me. I played this game for months...until I had to get just a little more aggresive. Just let him know that I look forward to seeing him...tease that I miss him when he leaves(which I really did)....and it worked...he finally asked me out.

We are out and having a great conversation. I can feel myself wanting to just grab him and kiss him...just wait. We go back to my place and I can tell he wants me...but is a gentleman. So I take the chance...kiss him. I crawl behind him....kissing his neck, rubbing his skin, kissing his lips....when I feel him relax I move down his body so I can worship is cock with my mouth. He has a massive cock and it takes me a minute to get my barrings on how to suck it properly...I don't want my teeth to hurt him...but his gurth is huge!

He takes over and kisses me all over...not leaving an inch of my body go to waste...and then he slowly kisses my pussy...licks, sucks and teases with his tongue. Pushes me over the edge with pleasure.

When he starts to take me....his cock is so huge that he has to take is slow...my pussy is going to have to learn him...but when he is finally fully inside of me...I immediately can tell the difference. He is the one that fits me....completes my body perfectly! And as he moves in and out of me...my body is celebrating in a way I have never experienced...and when we cum together...my body convulses from pleasure...I literally purr....and what does he do???? He holds me tighter and puts a hand around my neck....squeezes and breathes in my ear...Oh baby.

OMG...what just happened? Not only did he make me have the orgasm of my life....but then he made me feel so perfectly sexy, desired and sexy by owning that moment...and owning me.

I knew then...I was in trouble. I definately just found my "one". Everyday he just pulls me in closer...I need him more that I have ever needed anyone in my life. He is the "one"...the "one" that my soul calls out to daily....the "one" that can make you let everything go for...the "one" that makes everyone else disappear. He is my "one"...

Just a little longer and my "one" will come back to me and my world can spin again.

Until tomorrow...

Rollar coaster of a day....happy and some tears. Its getting closer and closer to him coming home to me...which makes me extremely happy, but the anticipation is still pushing my emotions to the limits.

I know my attachment to my Master is growing stronger...my need for him increases daily. My body physically craves all of him...but my mind and soul crave him inside my head. Teaching and training me...and pulling me into him. Controlling all of me...

Physically I need him...my sexual drive has really been tested. I am a very sexual being...orgasms are part of my daily life...Until I became his. I must have permission to orgasm...either alone or with him. I have not asked for permission to orgasm while his is gone for a couple of reasons...I want to save it for when I am with him and after having an orgasm with him...why would I want one alone?? I will have an extremely hard time holding it back while he is taking me...i will beg him to let me have them freely. I want to give him pleasure until he can't take anymore. I can't wait for him to ravage my body with everything he has built up for me while he has been gone.

Emotionally I need him. For someone who is so strong and not dramatic...I find myself a weeping emotional mess about him...either from happiness or weakness for not having him with me. I would have never dreamed that I could have this much attachment to a person...much less feel like I'm not alive or truly living if he is not apart of me.

Maybe this is because I have submitted to him and this is my mind learning to let go. Maybe this was the way it always should have been and it just took us a while to find each other. Who knows...but what I do know is that in 8 more days I will be back in his arms,in his bed, under his protection and under his control literally. I want it....I need it.

Until tomorrow...

Distance sucks...it seriously fucks with your head. If my heart won over complete control over me...I would quit my job, abandon everything I have and go to him...across the country...no matter the cost and no matter the consequences that my fall upon me to do so. 

But my head takes over and reminds me that my job is to take care of my Master...my Daddy. What worries would I place on him if I abandoned everything? What stress would that add?

Above everything I want him to be pleased at all times. Even though my desires to be with him every second of every day are real...he has different desires and dreams that I have to remember to not take for granted. I have to be supportive in the other aspects of his life...his career, his hobbies and his interests....and not be selfish and want it all for myself. Part of being his is to ensure that he is my King and I keep him happy with everything he wants in life...not just me.

I am selfish in wanting what I want.... I want his attention, his kisses, his touch, his body, his cock inside of me...his love.....and this is where it's so hard to be his slave....I don't call the shots...I'm not the boss...I don't get what I want when I want it when it comes to this. 

Will this get easier? I can't see that it will....especially when I fall deeper in love and submission to him daily...even when he is not here. Can you imagine how I will be after I get him back for 10 days and have to let him go again?? 

Hopefully something will change soon and this will be easier or we find a way to make this situation better. I want to support him daily in all aspects of his life...and a man needs to be touched, pampered and loved...and allowed to be a man and take possession of all that is his....EVERYDAY...IN THE FLESH.

Life is to short to not enjoy the one you want to be with...and I want him to experience the pleasure of life with me daily...I want to give him amazing moments...and never miss one.

Until tomorrow...