Contemplative musings of a sub.

A great relationship is about 2 things:

First appreciating the similarities, 

and Second,

respecting the differences.

We all deserve to be in spaces....and relationships that make us happy.

Our souls need to be fed...

And we need .... yes NEED to Grow!!!!

We are all worthy of having people in our lives that are kind to us and authentic.  People with whom we are loved and nourished.

Before we settle for anything less.. we need to remember that the places we visit and the people we journey with through life should allow us to feel safe, loved and ENOUGH.

The right person will give you attention, affection, love and commitment because they LOVE You.

No relationship is worth it if you are not happy.

Never be reckless with someone else's heart, and dont tolerate anyone who will be reckless with yours.

Standing alone is better than being around someone who does not value you.

You have to learn to get up from the table when you realize that love is no longer being served.

And you should know what you bring to the table ....and dont be afraid when you have to tell someone that you are not afraid to eat alone.

Letting go of someone can be really really hard....but its not as hard as trying to hold onto something that was never real.

When someone treats you well.....its okay to move mountains for them...but if they hurt YOU .....learn to drop those mountains on their head.

The only way to win with a toxic person is to refuse to play with them.

Much discussion about whether the glass is half empty or half full is stupid.....the glass is always refillable....with something or someone  else.

Much discussion happens here about people who claim they are dominants while being very young.  And yes blah blah we have no business judging one another.  Just let me make one point.....if they are home living in mommies basement, they dont have a job...or a car....or pretty much nothing beyond their action figure toys....what perspective will they have with YOUR life.   How can they understand your current challenges?

How can you grow or fix things in your life if you are busy helping that other person?

Let me be clear.......Learn to BECOME the priority in your own life.  Take care of you first.    Let the world worry about itself....take care of your life.  Pull your act together.   You are responsible for yourself.  No one else.

This is a New Year!

New Chances,

New Feelings,

Same Dreams and some new 

Fresh starts......

Today be a better person than the one you were yesterday!

Remember .....that...You are amazing!!!!!!!

Happy 2018 may it be a great year for all of us!

love is not something than can be forced

You cant make yourself love someone

and

You cant force Yourself not to love someone

it is impossible to will emotions 

in and out

of existance.

And lets face it...no two people are identical....and it's impossible to have identical relationships with two different people.  So any rule that demands that someone love two people equally is absolutely absurd.

If you love one person more than the other it would mean that you have to hide it from the other.....or....fake similiar feelings for that other person....and that would be totally exhausting....And some people (libras  for example) are sharp enough to catch on.  For them they are not likely to feel like staying for very long.

Sometimes you will  hear this out of a person claiming to be poly...."This is how i am - if you dont like it ...leave."  It is a common attitude and it means that the person who is spouting it at you has every intention of controlling your part in the relationship/s and no intention what so ever of explaining themself to you.  In the end you may figure out that you were allowed to go along for the ride.  Again....can you say exhausting?

So the primary and secondary language crap is totally designed to be a relationship smoke screen.  You will find that the person driving the relationships will drive using their personal rules of the road book and the sooner you figure out that the book is subject to their interpretation and revision when needed  the sooner you can get off the trip.

"We want to add a woman to our relationship" STop right here and think.  Be very careful as you navigate this part of the relationship.  At times we have all heard a couple whose vanilla marriage is on the rocks announce their plans to have a baby....to add one to their relationship.  sound familiar???????  What they may or may not tell you is that they hope the new baby/person will strengthen their relationship.  I dont know about you but for me its a lot of unneeded pressure to be added to a couple with them expecting the addition of "YOU" to fix their relationship issues.  Use your brain.

So now that ive been a complete  bitch and torn this all apart you might be wondering if there are any benefits in poly relationships.  Yes if someone is really unique and has their shit together and can make everyone involved feel validated and special.  Ive met very few of these.  Generally there are great benefits only for the person driving the bus. managing the relationships. THEY choose the other partners not you. but you and the other people choosen will have to learn to work with each other to do your best to have a viable civil relationship while you are both together at times.

RED FLAG right here if you are added and expected not to form any attachment with the others when you are present at times with the others.

Personally i think its time for women to see that there are perks to being the person driving the bus instead.  Then as the driver  YOU decide who gets to be a play partner of YOURS.   And You can decide other stuff like if they can play with others.  And You can edit the rules of the poly book you use when it suits YOU.  You will never ever find another person exactly like you with your likes and interests.  so.....Cultivate relationships  where people have a few or even one of your interests.  Find a dinner buddy.  Or a movie buddy.   Get a few sex play partners   well and throw in BDSM ..but what YOU like cause its YOUR way not anyone elses way.  You can decide if your other partners ever get to know each other or NOT.  But Give everyone their sliver of YOUR life and enjoy your special relationships with them during the special time YOU allow them to have with YOU.

Oh and as a submissive....you can have as many play partners as you want.  Up front tell all of them that you do NOT want a collar.  And also tell them you want NSA.....No strings attached.  That way.....You dont have to answer for yourself.  You dont have to tell them where you are going and what you are doing and who its with.  just tell em....i have plans.   and thats the end of it.  Ladies  hold the power in Your hand. 

Pursue pleasureable activities with the person of your choice when You want to and when you are done with them...send them on their way until you need em again.

If they want to buy you stuff or do things that are going to improve your quality of life......LET THEM.  and dont forget to thank them profusely.  Turn on all Your charm then.   Make them really feel that you completely appreciate what you did for them. 

Figure out how to make POLY work out to YOUR advantage. My youngest son is a very wise man....he keeps reminding me that i have control of the pussy and the tits.   Ladies....its true   You control your Pussy....use the power.

Well and lets not forget now........The goal of BDSM relationships of course.....is to find  play  and love (if you are lucky) with persons that have common interests with You in BDSM and that you have good chemistry with.

Day after day we sit in chat and tell one another about how our past relationships have failed.  Lets stop the insanity right now.    Its time for stuff to work out to OUR advantage.    

My partner enjoys hurting me emotionally

He feels pleasure in destroying me physically and especially emotionally

i can take the physical pain for the most part

but the mental pain is really affecting me

im conflicted since it seems to me that W/we developed feelings towards each other.

His emotional sadism is affecting me mentally

it has become a scary game for me

How Can He Love ME And Still Enjoy Seeing Me Emotionally Suffering???????

this does not feel sane

is this a red flag????

it is a red flag because

Emotional Sadism from someone you love without consent is a particularly damaging form of abuse.

You need to have it put on hold while you figure it out and decide if its for you.

if emotional sadism is a must have for the Dominant then that is what it is and you may need to walk away.

You shouldnt have to push yourself beyond what is comfortable for you to stay in a relationship that in the end wont be mutually satisfying and healthy for you.

Emotional Sadism is edge play and it needs to be CONSENTED to.  And remember  everyone has areas of their inner self where its too painful for them to be hurt.  its just too hurtful.

THE most dangerous thing would be for someone to consent to something (any form of play) that isnt good for them in order to stay in a relationship.

STOP the emotional sadism in the relationship indefinitely (and accept it might be for forever).  And this means that the Dominant is going to have to be able to enjoy the relationship wtihout it.

it should NOT be a goal for you to be able to be okay with some level or form of their sadism so that you can continue to have a relationship with them.  Accept that you are not compatable for a healty relationship with them and move on.

unless you really feel that you enthusiastically want to experience emotional sadism....it should probably be a hard limit 

And some will call the emotional sadism a mindfuck,but damaging anyone emotionally crosses a line

Of course you may have to accept that someone like this will never explain themself.  And You may need - in order to move on...to be able to accept the apology that they will never ever give you.

Dont forget as a sub you are entitled to have needs, wants and feelings.

Your mental health and well being is important.  It may be necessary for you to take steps to protect yourself from an emotional sadist.  Do whatever it takes.   be smart

If it ever gets to the point where the Dominant cant or wont take care of you (sex, aftercare, emotional etc) remember it is YOUR responsibility to take steps to take care of yourself.

Love is not enough on its own.  Remember its easier and faster to heal from most BDSM Physical wounds.   Psychological wounds take a long time to recover from and never truly heal.

And some will call it Emotional  Sadism as if they are rationalizing the fact it is a form of abuse.

First and Foremost your well being physically and emotionally is a PRIORITY.   If the Dominant cant care for you then  the relationship is not going to work.

Emotional sadism has a wide range from small light stuff to heavy duty mindfucks.

If someone tells you they are an emotional sadist do not submit to them unless you have had experience with it.  If you allow yourself to enter into play with one you are putting yourself in very deep dangerous waters.

the creativity and intimacy of a mindfuck is exciting and intoxicating ....but its not something to enter into lightly.  

Protect Yourself.

its been a month since i released myself.  and no its not normal ...i was supposed to ask the Domly to release me.  But i was hurt and angry and was not going to respect Him enough to allow Him the courtesy of releasing me.

and yes everyone's gut feeling is...if someone was so nasty to you...how can you say you love him?  well as other subs will agree.....we dont know where the other persons heart is.   no one has predator tatted on their forehead or even over their heart.   its not even on their fingerprint.  and putting our best self forward....we want to love them because in our hearts we want them to love us.  just because the predator did not have integrity in their thoughts, words, actions and deeds  does not mean that the unsuspecting sub or slave didnt.   Love is pure.  and when Love exists its not a bad thing even tho the person being loved can be an absolute animal.  

so when we are hurt we want to deny that we loved that person which i think hurts us the most in the long run.   holding on to hatred and anger just gives the predator the ability to continue to have power in our life.  i believe its okay to accept that we genuinely loved that person.   in love i believe its acceptable to forgive them.   they can be so sick and twisted that they will never accept responsibility for themself and apologize for themself.  

so in order for US to heal we have some important work to do.   use the love you know you have for them and forgive them.  no they dont deserve it....but YOU  DESERVE IT.  

and then use the Love you feel for that person and accept the apology that you know will never ever come from them.

and THAT completely takes away any power they may have had over you.  its the end of all the bullshit.

put them where they belong in your life....in the rear view mirror and keep them there.

and then for fun......figure out a 5 year plan for your life.  where you want to be in 5 years.   goals, dreams  whatever it is you want to do....while you are at it ....write a bucket list.  places to visit, stuff to do or try out.  

walk away from the mess you feel you were dumped into and pull yourself out of it.

you might never get any answers out of that person in your rear view mirror...and you shouldnt spend your valuable life trying to figure it all out.   

and the next time someone starts treating you the same way....use your brains and walk away before it gets too deep.

go out and live.   YOU DESERVE IT.  its your life.   

we toss people out of our lives for good reasons

over the last few months....before leaving for vegas an old play partner suddenly popped up.  and a few other new people hit me up on fet.  and so i chatted here and there ...dancing the dance with them.  

my exe Sir is poly and the understanding always was...that since we were long distance 1500 miles....that i could have other play partners near me.

and so a couple of potential people popped up...and i danced the dance...chatting, limits, wants, needs that kind of thing.  all along the way making it clear i was looking for play partners  not collars not permanence.   

well the old play partner is dancing around trying to get me to understand that i can offer my submission to him...my precious gift..and well he is a SOS spanker....same old spot.  so naaaaaa not going to happen. 

one of the new ones....well.....hes taken the side of.....when you run out of ppl to play with...call me.  and thats fine but thats  probably not likely to happen.  

the last guy.  was down to earth during all the chatting...his kids are the same age as mine.  but the most important part is ...i was honest ..about where ive been on my travels through BDSM and while He isnt into the abuse, the marks and especially the pain....He has shown me the side that ive never experienced before.

His light touches all over...the perfectly planned spanks.....the cuddling.....the closeness......the chat.....and more.....placed me on a summit i had not reached till then.  i felt like a violin  my body responding perfectly to every touch and caress and kiss and spank.  and afterwards while cuddling and chatting about everything i realized how comfortable...how mellow i felt. i was amazed at all that i had experienced.

me ...the way i am....He was happy with.  He didnt want me to change anything.....didnt demand i paint my nails or wear makeup next time.  absolutely no criticism...just 100% pure acceptance.

and so this morning the world for me looks completely different.   yesterday  my self-esteem came out of hiding.

and as i look at myself in the mirror there are no new bruises, temporary marks  and most importantly there was no new trauma.

by any chance has anyone figured out how to remove someone from bond that messages with a nasty message that makes the receiver feel like they want to delete the person from their bond?

i wonder if ignoring them will take them off of bond.   

we all have our dark times.  and i have certainly had some just recently.

and i definitely knew better but i just sat up on top of the fence watching  wishing   waiting for someone to decide that i deserved to be treated better.   and the point came where that didnt happen and my psyche needed to stop the insanity and so thats what i did.   i split and released myself from a poly Dom who clearly was and is no longer interested in me.

its a bitter pill to take when you realize that you are no longer wanted.  and the first gut feeling is to fight it and ignore it and hope, and watch, and wish and wait for it to change for the better.   but it usually doesnt. and my belief is that i will never stay where i am not wanted.

and so with hope the smoke and anger and hurt and prolly depression can dissapate without moments to spare as you try to heal ......and the decision is made to look forward and move on.

and so thankfully that has happened and just like all the stressful times behind me where i was learning to come to grips with my emotions and feelings while trying to adjust to a poly relationship ....my instinct to distract myself and busy myself with something to do kicked in.

and so back to basics.   i am an artist.  i love to create.  it also might be time for a job change....completely new life so i started learning a computer animation program called maya.  there are tons of tutorials on it on u-tube.  the funny thing is with my background in art and the methodical way i have developed to create murals ...animation makes complete sense so i am really excited and facinated with it. 

of course if your thing isnt computer animating  dont worry there is a world of tutorials on stuff on u-tube  you just need to put your ideas  or the stuff you are good at in that magic little search box and see if you can figure out what interests you or what you can learn that will lend itself to a better job in the future and a brighter life for you ahead.

there are plenty of assholes in the world.  and just because an asshole caught your attention for a few moments  it does not mean that you have to lower yourself and also be an asshole just like them.   the fact you are splitting and moving off means you are NOT an asshole.   

yes its stressful.  yes there are uncertainties but you can always personally use a little sprucing up and its time for me anyway to take a leap forward and improve a significant amount.  and i know i can do it.

the tutorials on maya are very interesting and before i buy the program i want to make sure its really something i want.  and when im done...maya proficiency will look really good on my resume.  then ill move on to a whole list of others that i made.    i made a list of the programs they ask for on job applications on jobs in the art field and animating fields....that is how i knew what tutorials i wanted to look for.

but there are tutorials on office applications out there and if you are sitting there saying you dont know what you want to do...getting a better paying job being able to do office stuff might be an improvement for you.   maybe you are already in an office...and a new program might liven things up for you.  you never know. 

just dont crawl into a cave and give up.  no one is worth you giving up your lease on life  just because THEY are  an asshole. find a reason to get up every day and get dressed and go out and have a life.  You OWE Yourself that much.  

if you need help or ideas  my door is open!!!!!

Today will be a better day!!!!

To everyone who has been so kind to me since i returned from vegas...thank You.  I am truly very thankful for all the support everyone has extended to me.  I am blessed by all Your friendships. 

huggs ...and kisses 

very thankfully

Silver

From time to time the subject of journals pops up in random conversations.

Some journals are written on paper and some electronically.   With my experience with my computers....4 or 5 now  i like to take the time and energy to capture my journals on paper.  then i keep them up high where hopefully nothing will happen to them.  And  my journals number approximately 20 now.

Some subs  journals are regularly read by their Dominants  while some journals are left to be the subs private property.   And i have listened while some Dominants have waxed and waned on about reading their subs  journal so that they know what is going on.  And if i knew that my journal could be read like that....ill be honest when i say that i wouldnt bare my soul and put my in depth feelings down upon its pages.

However, since i was long distance i never had to worry that my journal would be read.   So i got into the habit of dumping everything that i was thinking and feeling into those journals.   If a meeting was getting close i would make sure i went down with a new journal so that my stuff wouldnt be exposed.

Being in a poly D/s that is long distance is not easy.  And truthfully when the Dominant is out with one of the others   the female human mind can go bonkers.  And lets be honest....its not just endorphins and body and brain chemistry.....bdsm also involves a womans  hormones.  Together it can all be a volatile cocktail of insecurities, hurt and anger.  And when the Dominants  poly skills suck....or in other words are severely lacking, the sub who is long distance can suffer quite a bit and mostly it feels like a broken heart.   And yes humans can be affected to the point where it feels as if your heart actually hurts.

So my journals have always been a sort of companion on the journey through fast tracking,grooming and god knows what other  tactics were employed in my BDSM initiation games.

The other side of keeping a detailed journal with your deepest thoughts and your feelings is that you can go back at any time and read your journal and you can remember ...and the feelings can come back and sometimes you can get high from remembering what that playtime was like.  

The more times you use your endorphins the more that are made.  if you keep triggering your endorphins life can be a very happy thing for you.   thats  how a sub gets addicted to a Dominant.   all those feel good chemicals make it really easy to get attached to the person triggering them.  And your hormones get mixed up in all the drama.  Thats is the REASON why most subs dont walk when they need to walk.  Their bodies are so flooded with feel good chemicals that they cant think clearly enough to realize the relationship isnt good for them and they need to get out.  Its not stupidity or the fact they cant see things.   They have their body being used against them.  Its  2 to 1.  The Dominant and their body working against them.   Its hard to see the writing on the wall when you are so high you can barely see.

So the good that comes from writing a journal i would learn as i started to keep track of my personal finances in a seperate journal, is that writing down when i made phone calls or documenting financial decisions and tracking rehab projects can be really useful.  I even documented mailing bills or making payments and then it was easy to go back and look to see when i mailed this or that....or had that conversation with whoever. 

But the ultimate good i learned especially when it concerned my submissives journal was that over time i realized that when stuff happens to me i spend a lot of time going over and over it in my brain  almost as if i am afraid that i will forget the details of what happened.   Which is bad because i learned that it then allows me to over think stuff or over analyze stuff and for me thats bad...because i can get so entrenched in why something angers me so much that i cant let it go.  Seriously writing in my journal would become very freeing for me.  It would almost become a highly trusted friend.   I could write stuff in it and then knowing it was safe on the pages on the book i would let it go and my anger and hurt  and be able to move on.  

So when  my insecurities flare up or i get angry or mad or sad...i turn to my journal.   i bare my soul and let everything out and then i can close the journal when i am done, dry my eyes and move on with my life.  If journal writing is the one lasting perk i get from the insane exploration of BDSM that i have been pushed and dragged along...im gonna be okay.