Contemplative musings of a sub.

a post off site entitled.....The awesome-awkward anal hook conversation.

Heres a thing - there's a factory  somewhere that actually makes the anal hooks we see in the kinkypics around here. {RIGHT HERE RED FLAG....THE KINKYPICS AROUND HERE means that this person is not a fan of anal hooks which translates to...if you are into anal and want to play with anal hooks this guy is not the guy for you}.

a bunch of people come into work every day, put on their work overalls, head out to the factory, and start up the machines that bend, weld and polish up anal hooks.

they have meetings about adjusting the machines for a wider bend (to accomodate different shaped asses) and for larger knobs at the tip ( to accomodate different shaped assholes) {no factory worker has that kind of design modification power.  everyone has a split in their ass no matter how big their ass cheeks are. those of us with smaller butt cheeks  just end up with the hook sticking out some and makes it fun for the Dominant to hold it and play with it.....and the reason why the balls are different sizes is the same reason why there are different size butt plugs.....everyone's nerves are in different places different size butt plugs give different sensations and higher levels of sensations according to where the nerves are and which nerves they are stimulating.  same thing about the balls on anal hooks...depends on where your nerves are and how much stimulation you work up to being able to accept and which part of the taboo you can get past in your mind}

the rest of the post was redundant.

what is important here is the fact that if you pay attention to things that people say about the lifestyle you can discern a lot before you invest too much time in them.

now in this case if you are 100% sure you dont want to play with an anal hook then this person would be the one to play with.

But like with all the other kinks you might have...if experiencing a anal hook is something on your BDSM wish list ...dont be shy about talking about it.  and try to get the picture about the other person and how they feel about it.  there will be  nothing worse down the road then not getting an experience you want regardless of what it is especially if you are going to experience BDSM in real life.

The difference in the case of a spanking between cyber play and real life play is that someone is typing smack, smack, smack....and someone else is typing...ow, ow , ow or maybe   1 may i have another....2 may i have another...and thats great .....the mind can think up all kinds of things and imagine what it must feel like.  But a real life spanking ....for one you will feel the strikes, and you will feel your body react, and you will feel the resulting sensations, and you will feel your body's  responses ...and eventually you will hit sub space.   there is a great big difference.  And be sure that when someone is spanking there are techniques.  It has to do with covering the complete ass with strikes and with frequency and how much pressure is used and which implements is used on any individual person.

Being the Dominant in real life is a way different animal from cyberland.  And being a submissive, a bottom or a slave is also way way different.

When you are talking to someone who is a prospect pay attention to the things they say especially if you are yearning for real life play.  question them extensively about their kinks, about their needs and wants and make sure you discuss your kinks, needs and wants  until you feel that you have been heard  and validated .  If it doesnt feel right then back off.  There is nothing worse than investing time when you had an idea it wasnt good for you.

over 5 years ago i stepped off  a plane for the first time in my life in Vegas.  and i had the time of my life.  loved every inch of the place. and fell in love with every inch of Sir at first sight...and the same thing happened for Sir!!!!  every inch of me...He was already a huge fan of Vegas.

my second night in vegas i knelt on the arms of a large chair facing the window and watched the lights of vegas as i received my first erotic spanking from Sir.

i woke this morning to the news of the horrific shooting and now i carry a rock in the pit of my stomach.  no one has the right to do what this asshat has done.  the weight of the dead, 50 funerals, all the agony, the costs and the use of resources  every dime that will go into trying to give the survivors quality of life after this all rests upon the eternal soul of this one old man.

and lets be honest...i get it...some people  lead shit lives but that is not society's responsibility.   everyone is responsible for their own life. and get this ......everyone in every community and in society's as a whole....EVERYONE  has a moral mandate NOT to take a life.  

all these rifles this asshat had  did not make him a righteous man.  the way he used his rifles made him  a sad excuse for human life.  he had NO right to pull those triggers and aim at innocent people.

and the worst part now is i have a vacation planned for vegas in less than a month.  i had planned on being on fremont street for halloween which is the anniversary of the day that nevada entered the union besides being halloween and my Sirs birthday is a couple days before that...and out of all the other women in the poly family.....i am the one spending His birthday with Him.

and i have a great halloween costume planned but now what if some other asshat is lurking that night? what if my costume brings unwanted attention?   with Sir i now have a great life that i have worked my ass off getting.  i divorced a drunk and paid my house off in 3 years.  healed from a back injury.  im job hunting in yes ....Vegas  and now this crap.

everyone has every right to be able to peacefully gather and just in general walk down the street.  we will prolly learn down the road that this dude could not get a ticket to the show and so decided to kill everyone instead.  its always stupid shit that leads to innocent people getting murdered.

already questions are being asked  ...how did this asshat get so many rifles into his hotel room.  so will unusual shaped packages being taken into hotel rooms be scrutinized now?  when i go to play with Sir later this month will His toy cases look suspicious to people?

im so sick and tired of unhappy people making life miserable for the rest of us.  i go to work, pay my taxes, pay my bills and when i take a vacation i have a right to that vacation and i have a right not to get killed by some unhappy asshat.

and if we get judged when our time here is up.  there is no punishment great enough for people who do these heinous acts.  the weight of these tragedy falls upon the shoulders of the person committing the acts.   

and the weight rests there for all eternity.....my advice is ..think twice and maybe a third time before you take a life.

Whatever anyone's reason is for being here it needs to be pointed out that BDSM and kinks are within the realm of Human ADULT behavior.  

I enjoy the chat room because it should be a place where mature adult conversation can happen between like minded individuals.  

And the bottom line is if you want to chat with the adults be prepared to speak like an adult.   

The place to act out your kink is when you are with your Dominant not us.

That is the reason why when you are discussing your needs and wants with a prospective Domly or sub you need to decide when and how play is to happen and what will happen at that time.

I cannot stress enough that it is irresponsible and very immature to involve other Adults in your kink without their prior consent.

And there are adults here in every different stage of life.  And they are allowed to make comments  that reflect where they are in their life.

Creating chat drama and putting a lot of energy into keeping it going is immature.

So lets get serious here.....

Do YOU know who YOU are?

Do you know what you want?

Do you know what you dont want when it comes to your ideal BDSM relationship?

Saying that you are a blank canvas with no limits is a complete contradiction of being free to be yourself.

are you young?

are you educated?

well its just like vanilla dating. 

Be the best person you can be  when you sit down to put your cards on the relationship table

what do you bring to the table?

Have you heard yourself tell someone...i need someone who can inspire me to strive to improve myself!

Really?????  Again....if you need that...what exactly are you bringing to the table when you talk to a prospective partner?

look everyone has requirements that apply specifically to them.

If you need to be micro managed just to get through your daily life you may need to rethink things a little bit.

I have not met many Dominants who have had relationships where their sub or slave needed to be micromanaged.  In fact most have the subs they do because of the fact that the subs were capable of managing normal day to day living and kept up with all the chores.   There are qualities that Dominants look for while choosing a sub or slave.

Do the hard work yourself.....encourage yourself to practice self improvement with daily tasks and a self imposed structure.

Get educated 

for god's sake grow up and mature 

and read 

meet people at munches 

its just like dating

Choose a Dominant carefully and be wise about it.  

The right Dominant will build you up!

The wrong Dominant will tear you down!

See all the flak that is generating today about  professional sports players  being able to show some sign during OUR National Anthem is totall bullshit.

Is it a sign of protest?

Or a sign of solidarity?

Its all bullshit!!!!!

Mainstream society knocks BDSM down every chance it gets; but there are things that they could learn from us that would make mainstream society way better for all of US.

Lets start with RESPECT.

Respect the fact that today you have a job.

Dont think that you are entitled to USE  that job to further a personal adjenda.

Stand up for your personal morals on YOUR OWN TIME just like the rest of us.

You can bet that if most people went to work and started some crap about  any issue that these people are bending their knees and linking their arms for.......it would likely involve being written up.  

If any of the rest of us were to publicly disrespect and disgrace OUR flag chances are there would not be reporters present to glorify us.  But oh dont you worry....phones would fly out and capture it and it would go viral...what then if YOUR employer were to recognize you???? what then???? do you think you would keep your job? My father  served this country for over 30 years and my immediate family sacrificed precious time with Our Father on weekends and family functions and family  together  time.

Dont You DARE take the time spent during the National Anthem when My thoughts go to remembering my Father and all His comtemporaries and my Uncles  and my Grandfathers who fought so that we could live here with Our freedoms and turn it into a personal forum so you can enjoy the limelight when You are famous enough to call a reporter to your house for an interview.   Leave  the public time to "THE People".  I dont want to be harrassed by personal bullshit from sports players during ""We The People" time.  Stop corrupting our We The People time!!!!!   

And to the dreamers, and the sports players and everyone else who wants to kneel or hook arms and fling mud in the faces of all the people who have protected us in the past and are still standing....yes STANDING to protect our freedoms today......I .....one of the """We The People""" who you disgustingly disrespect will be happy any day to stand by the door of a plane to send you back to where you came from since you dont seem to be happy here with US.....The We The People that you seem to keep shitting on  every time you get a chance.  If its so bad living with us....then why the hell are you STILL  here?????  Let me help you find the door.

And in the lifestyle that many would fling mud at and want to prosecute us over and so on and so forth...... some of OUR relationships can be the most harmonious and peaceful ones found.   We respect one another and yes there is a lot of sex  but our collars can go way deeper than most vanilla marriage wedding rings.  It just depends on the chemistry between the  partners.

So its time for RESPECT  to make its way back into the fabric of the American Experience.  Yes there are hard discussions happening about keeping the doors open and allowing people in.  But lets be honest here as people have entered our country from other countries in crisis...they have brought their ways and ideals which didnt work in their countries  which is why they come here.  And when they try to push these ways and ideals on to us they disrupt the fabric of our way of life.  Again they leave their countries because they arent happy there.  Things arent going well for them to live.   And so they come here but they want to bring their problems with them.  And they want to push their society's ideals upon us and change the fabric of OUR SOCIETY.

I dont care who comes here and who stays here.  If you are a dreamer then take the time to work on your citizenship status.  Just last week my grandfather's citizenship application came to light. It was great to see a picture of him as a young man. If my grandfather could study and earn his citizenship ....so can anyone else.

 And bring with you the best your personal heritage has to offer....your music your food your crafts your holiday customs as long as there is no violence.  We want the good part of you.  But leave your country of origin and leave your batshit crazy crap behind.  We already have a society in place here.   We dont need yours to replace ours.  We expect you to join us. Not come to our public functions and openly and blatantly disrespect us and all the freedoms we have in place for our society.

If the climate of your society causes you to need specially designed clothing to protect you from the elements....then my guess is you dont need it here.  We dont have deserts covering the entire country you wont get sandblasted hanging out with us. One of our societies norms is that everyone bathes on a regular basis.

But come in peace and goodwill.  Come to America like my forefathers  did..with strong work ethics and a thirst for a safe  peaceful life free from anti-semitism and all the other social ills that plague societies.

We can choose to pollute and further corrupt our society together ....or with RESPECT America can still be that place where together everyone can live and  still STAND  for our way of life.  May  """WE THE PEOPLE""" endure.

kinks- unusual taste in sexual behavior.

We need to talk about this.   

Kinks   everyone seems to have them and thats  awesome. 

Kinks and the differences in our kinks can mean a lot of things for us all.

Over the years   in my chat room experiences i have learned one thing....you never know when someone has arrived who is trying to try acting out their kink in the chat room.

And this needs to be stated that involving unsuspecting strangers in your kink in an effort for you to find sexual gratification is many many shades of wrong.  An example is a masochist making an appointment to have their teeth cleaned because the stimulation and/or pain from the work triggers her endorphins and then she can go home and ride the high.  It would be irresponsible for the masochist to have involved the dental tech  unknowingly in her kink.

Have watched as some people have seemingly intentionally started fights and then continued to say things to keep the fight going.  And then returned to start the same fight over and over again.  Some people feed off the chat room drama.

And at times it can be tempting to look at your friends and consider introducing them to the lifestyle.  Trying to make someone your perfect BDSM play partner is again irresponsible. Our kinks are inbred into us....we are born with them.  trying to teach someone a kink is impossible...but we can all learn about others kinks...and some days it might just to be the right thing to do for that special play partner you have.....to participate in an interest of theirs.   It is worth the effort to look around and try to find a play partner with kinks that are similiar to yours. You never know at any time you might meet the person of your dreams.  

But setting out to use someone even a perfect stranger so that you can have gratification is bad karma.  So dont be surprised when you throw out bad vibes and bad actions.....that  they come right back at you like a boomerang.

play safe and be responsible

responsible goes beyond  condoms.

So   the submissive journal

Things  to write in this journal.  

Well write in every day especially if you have any playtime.

write about your journey as a submissive or slave

write about the daily challenges that you face

write about the worries or concerns that you may have

write about any limits you would like to work towards.

write about any goals you might have for your personal growth as a person and as a submissive or slave

write about any goals you might think are appropriate for your relationship.

of course ...if you are not in a committed relationship it wouldnt hurt to modify the topics and get in the habit of writing.   write about what you are looking for in the other person.  write about your hunt for that other person. 

And some Dominants want to see the journal entries.  And others feel that a subs journal is her private property.   it differs from Dominant to Dominant

again  the rules pertaining to your journal should be discussed and agreed upon before you accept someone's collar

just like everything should be discussed and agreed upon before you go accepting someone's collar.

So  recently i saw a post somewhere  asking about the best ways to determiine pain tolerance.  

And it was asked......Why not say ...just hit me as hard as you are okay with?

Tolerance. the capacity to endure pain or hardship.

We all have seen high school players  practicing in august way before school is scheduled to start.  And for the first number of weeks they are really sore.  But little by little their bodies get used to being hit.

And so a sub that is spanked frequently will build their tolerance after a while and be able to accept harder strikes for longer amounts of time. In simple terms   they get used to being hit.

And the same it true for pain.  If frequent work is done the body will build up its tolerance and the sub or slave will be able to accept and process heavier pains  for longer periods of time.

Now i have lost count of the number of self proclaimed Dominants who have talked openly about that they love to whip a sub.   and thats  all they talk about is whip.....whip this and whip that ......

Just as pain tolerance builds  over time....each and every play date should be structured to build tolerance as well

Warm-up. prepare for physical exertion or a performance by exercising gently beforehand.

In BDSM play warm up is important.  Start lightly with the lightest implememt and gradually increase your force.  Then go to the next implement.  And coverage is very important as well....work on lining up your stricks so they land next to each other...side by side.   Getting good coverage will help your sub or slave get turned on and they will be able to enjoy the play time.

If your intent is for the spanking to be an erotic spanking  then you need to develop your technique so that the playtime will be enjoyable.   Hitting the same two spots on the butt cheek will draw your partners attention to how annoying that is instead of helping them cum and/or hit sub space.

And yes  self spanking is totally boring but a sub can find an implement and can work on their technique so that they can increase their tolerace on their own.  So because you currently dont have a play partner it does not mean that you cannot imporove your tolerance and having amazing orgasms.

im just gonna be blunt here......and tell you  yes you....we need to talk about ""red flags""

and yes i mean red flags as in...when you are talking to a prospective Domly....pay attention to the things that they tell you.  

First of all...experience.  yeah yeah yeah ....there are those who show up in here and talk all about how they are 18 but dont let that get in the way...you are gonna be soooo surprised when you learn how mature they are.  Now im gonna take my gloves off and speak very frankly and i expect everyone to take this seriously.  Mature???????? mature is good but Masters are Masters for good reasons.   they have experience and they are very very good at what they do.   they can tune into their partners body and know when enough is enough and when its time for after care and yes when there are dangerous signals and yes ive known people who have had to call for help.  But let me tell you......being mature is great ....but there is a whole lot more that rolls into being a BDSM Master.

So when someone is 18 and claiming that they have Mastery level skills in BDSM it screams..RED FLAG.  And by the way ....red means stop do  not proceed with them. You dont want to be tied up and have things done to you to overstimulate parts of your body by someone who has spent 10 years of his puberty and teens controlling his star wars toys.  that just isnt a great idea.  

And lets go back to experience...yeah  the star wars toys  or their sisters barbie dolls or maybe the family pets but if you hear that  actual flesh and blood human beings were being dominated then we are talking minors pure and simple.   if you are told that  adults were dominated then all you are facing is a really spoiled controlling little brat.  Do you want to be dominated by someone who is operating with nothing more than a childs mentality.   Cause lets be honest here ...who has time to hang out with a child in an adult body when there are other adults out there to be found?

And there are those of us who have put time into creating a profile.   when someone  emails you here and has definitely not read your profile.....its a red flag.  they have in fact disregarded you and  your profile by not reading it...what will they do to you when you are playing with them? Will they disregard your limits?  You can end up dead  by not paying attention to red flags.

And if someone for instance states that they love degrading their subs  and you KNOW that you are not interested in that....you need to clearly state that.  but if they continue to talk about it ....or you feel like they are trying to convince you to alllow it to happen to you....its a RED FLAG.

Never ever let anyone force you to do anything you dont want to do unless you have discussed it before hand.   Some subs are into consent non consent and that is a totally dangerous game.  Before you play this game make sure you have researched it and that you TRUST the other person completely meaning that you have played a lot with them and you know you can trust them not to intentionally or unintentionally hurt you.

And ghosting as i have learned its called recently.   when you meet somone online and chat awhile and then suddenly they disappear.   could be you cammed for them.  could be you sent them sexy pictures of yourself. you are likely to be used for someone to masterbate if you easily give up pictures of yourself or go on cam.    Now if that is your kink and you sexually get off to it...then by all means  have at it.  

But another reason for ghosting can be that person is married.   if contact between you is totally initiated and controlled by them   chances are they are sneaking around some kind of family.  there again if your kink is being that other person  then by all means  enjoy the fuck out of yourself.  but DO NOT  come in here into chat and bitch about it to everyone.   You can decide to be someones  toy ...but then you dont get to change your mind.  the only choice you have then is to quit the activity.

One of the oldest tricks that i have experience watching male Dominants do is the sub and slave switch.  They agree to you being their submissive.   and early on in the beginning of the relationship you make a mistake and they seem to blow it totally out of proportion.   and before you know it they are telling you that all will be forgiven if you agree to be their slave instead.   AGAIN....BIG FAT RED FLAG.

the minute they try the switch with you its time to block them totally from all communication with you.  if they tried to pull that off on you there is no telling how many times you are going to have to be on your guard as they continue to try to get you to be their slave instead.  save yourself the aggravation and walk away.  

And yes our hearts get tangled up in our shit...and we fall in love....and it can be tough  but in the end you have to think about what is best for all of you.  

TPE is total power exchange ....someone who gets you to agree to that...will take complete control of you and your life and quite possibly your money.  you could end up working and they could take every dime you make.  and then be told what to wear when to wear it. or what you cant wear.   who you can talk to or who you cant.  you wanna see them grandkids   well think again...it needs to be okayed with the Dominant.  you want to see your family for christmas? think again.  

So be careful what you agree to.  Before you seriously chat with someone.....make it known you only want online contact.  And if you want R/L which is real life...you had better damn well know what you want real life to be like and what you will and wont agree too.  and put slave on the top of that list.  make slave be something you can decide to do later down the road

And long distance......long distance is hard.  its not easy.  your insecurities play up and can make you nuts.  so if you dont want the hassles of long distance then  tell someone early on that you cant do it.  maybe online only.  let me tell you from experience its hard having a relationship with someone who lives 1000 miles away from you.

And poly  now there is a huge fat kettle of stuff that can be a real challenge for a new sub.  again  know what it is that you want.  if you dont want to share your Domly then poly is not for you.  However sharing that Domly means that you will not always be ""on call"" it means you will have more freedom.

and for all you beginners it sucks finding yourself faced with being a new sub with no experience and adding long distance on it...and then tacking on the Domly is poly.   its really tough to navigate and survive all those challenges. Im not saying that long distance and poly are red flags.  im just saying that if you put those challenges on your plate you are going to have to do some hard work to conquer the challenges you will face.

The biggest red flag of all is when you are chatting with someone and you just get the feeling that they are not listening to you.  if that doubt circles around in the back of your brain....its a red flag.