This one is NOT about food

Hello Cage friends,

We all walk our own paths, each of us has moments of trauma or highlights of experience. We each create markers of our lives and look for significance to say "Ive made it this far". 

Each marker, each milestone will look different for the individual. It will look different for the specific person vs the relationship. Because you may have a personal goal and yet those are separate and distinct from the goals of the dynamic. They are different than the goals set by your Person, or different than the goals you set for your person. 

As dynamics move forward you will pass through these stages. As you grow and build trust and reach deeper spaces you will see and acknowledge the different stages, markers and milestones you walk past for yourself and for the relationship. 

Recently progress has been made in massive and tremendous ways. 

Faith and I have hit a fair few massive milestones in just the last 3 weeks. She just recently posted about strength and I laughed when we read her post together one day after work. I had intended to write a post about my side of the experience and low and behold she beat me to the punch. So here I am, in a sense writing a follow up and yet this is about my experience. About my perspective. You may see where things correlate but as a Dominant I hold a different perspective and experience of the same events. 

So to begin I first need to delve into my history just a tiny bit. 

In all of my past failed relationships I really did not feel comfortable. I struggled being honest. I struggled with negativity. I struggled with infidelity. I made plenty of mistakes and I have many more yet to make. Although I am learning my lessons and working at not repeating my history, I still struggle in learning the lessons of those previous errors. I'm hopeful that as I age and improve I will work at making new glorious mistakes such that I learn new lessons and continue the process of becoming the best version of myself. 

In the past one thing I did was in essence lose respect for my person. I didnt show them the respect they had earned because I didnt see them as capable of handling me. I did not embrace their strength because I was concerned that they would not be able to handle what I desired. I did not believe in their strength.

Part of the conversation that Faith and I had revolved around the concept of Person only desiring one aspect of what she may offer. Or only seeking what they needed from her. In many senses they saw her innocence and did not want to besmirch how they viewed her. They didnt want to corrupt or taint who she was to them. But that was just a way in which they were saying "I dont trust in your strength because you cant handle me in my totality." 

Within these past weeks Ive reached a point. Ive passed a marker. W/we have reached a new stage of the relationship because for the first time in my life I made the intentional choice to believe in her strength. I witnessed her actions, her words, her dedication and I trusted in her. I believed in her strength and when we finished our conversation I put into practice my trust in her strength. I didnt hold myself back from anything less than what I needed. I didnt curb my words, although I didnt quite lean into my deepest desires. But I walked forward in my thoughts and actions knowing she was strong enough to exist for me. I trusted her to not only support me, but witness me in my totality and accept who I was. W/we went deeper into existing for each other. W/we took a giant leap forward together. By simply being and allowing each other to exist in the most natural of states, without reservation. 

Now, each person has their own milestones of whats important to them. Whether it be as simple as telling the truth over something youve lied about in the past. Or inviting your significant other to meet your child. Maybe its about creating a drawer for that P/person in your home. It can be as simple or complex as you require it to be. If its important and essential to you then it will become a milestone that you watch for when your P/person walks past that point. When it is reached you will soar to new heights together. It will deepen trust and your dynamic will evolve. 

I found it exceptionally liberating to believe in my girls strength. I found it exhilarating and completely transformative to have trust and faith in her in such a way. Its opened my eyes in new ways and I can be more authentically myself when, where and how I need. She gives me strength to be who I am because I trust in her and her strength. Because she is exactly who I need in all ways and she will serve me exceptionally now and in the future to come. 

Thank you for reading my words and taking the time to observe O/our journey. I hope it helps inspire you to take steps in your own walk that you find deeper satisfaction and joy. 

Hello Cage friends,

As a dominant I am looking to craft my own little world. I am looking to find the pieces that are lacking and improve upon them. I want to create my own space, my own world, my own universe. Now I'm not God, I am all too human. But as a Dominant I wish to create my ideal property, I want to form and shape my reality. 

I have been considering the house I want to live in. How many rooms should it have? Which one will become sound proofed? How do I desire the layout of my perfect home to look like? What should that include? Would there be a large yard? Would it be close to neighbors or would it be secluded? There are so many considerations. I like where I currently live but there are so many ways I desire something just a little different. In many ways finding a space that I can craft my perfect home in, exactly how I see it, almost like a blank slate to do what I want with. To make it fit perfectly into my life. 

Part of creating something to fit perfectly into your life begins with knowing yourself. Its about knowing your Will. Understanding your needs. Its about shaping your reality around those aspects of the fundamental parts of yourself. Finding ways to make your space work for and with you. I have had lots of different ideas on how to make this happen, but its also about finding the property with the bones and framework set up to make those concepts reality. If the framework for the house has been set, and it doesnt work with the concepts you have in mind then in order to make that property perfection you have to destroy everything and create it brand new from scratch. Where as if you find a home that already fits the concepts it just requires some renovations to form that property into exactly what you are looking for. 

Now, these concepts all apply to your s type. 

Consider a dynamic where you feel forced, like every aspect of the interaction requires tremendous energy to move forward because you are not aligned. You have radically different views on what submission looks like, what dominance should entail. Now dont get me wrong, two people with different perspectives can still be a match. It can be very beneficial to have differing viewpoints creating different perspectives so you gain a more complete view of the situation. But when each aspect of who you are as a Dominant, and your prospective submissive clash then trying to move the collective dynamic is like trudging through quick sand. It is the house with the framework that doesnt fit your concepts. It takes massive work to start from scratch and try to build something from the ground up. Now in a sense building from absolute ground zero can be quite prosperous. You get to make every tiny detail exactly to your specifications. But this requires immense effort, patience and time. Well any worthwhile dynamic will have those components. These are quite essential in my humble opinion. I guess the point I'm attempting to make is that you can make a dynamic work but if you dont have anything in common, your desires are different and your opinions clash, if there is no commonality between the two (or more) of you then it becomes much more difficult to create a healthy thriving dynamic that fits all parties involved. 

When I "met" The Velveteen Slave I knew immediately that she was someone worth my time. Yet I didnt fully comprehend just exactly how well we would meet each other. As we've spent each day conversing and spending time together we are slowly realizing from both sides how well we meet and fit for each other. We are both weird yet our weird is impeccable together. More and more, day by day we grow closer and the deeper we walk into each others space the more we realize how our needs line up. Just the other day the comment was made "how have we not realized these things (intrinsic needs we both share) about each other until now? How did it take this long to know each other in this way?" The thing is it takes time to build trust between people. It takes dedication and showing up consistently to earn that place within the others mind. You dont get a free pass, you should have to prove yourself in some way to earn the reward of that trust. Sometimes that reward is a sacred piece of information that only you hold, or getting to understand your girl in a way no one else understands her. Perhaps its having the revelation of a new aspect of the nature of her character, or a new area of play you are now both comfortable attempting because trust has been formed. 

Regardless of how well you meet each other though there will always be some work that needs to be done. There should be a future goal of aspiration and forward momentum. No matter how well the bones and framework of the house meet the expectations for your future vision, for the concepts you envision there will be renovations and adjustments that are required. 

When I met my slave I had no idea who she truly was, I had no idea what she looked like, I had no real idea of anything. Yet I was drawn to her. I felt the intense connection of how she met me in the small and big ways. More importantly I met her needs, but I didnt know it when we first began talking. It wasnt until over a year later that I began to see more and more how we perfectly meld together. See, I believe in the process of shaping and molding my girl. She is a diamond. She is beautiful and strong. I believe though that altering the physical aspects of who she is to be a much easier process than altering the mental. I mean her true nature of the quality of her character has been ingrained since she was born. The trials and tribulations shes had to overcome and walk through. The trauma and discomfort, the pain and sorrow shes born witness to. How shes handled herself and grown has been predetermined in a sense. I see the quality of her character and I am damn proud of who she is, how she acts, the ways she cares for those around her. She amazes me everyday. Its much more difficult to change the nature of someone. That said though, if it is important by diligent action, consistent discipline, creating a solid well thought out plan can help shift and mold and shape the form of her nature. I'm damn fortunate though that her nature fits perfectly with mine. I only need to help create a safe space such that I can help embolden the aspects of her character that she hides to protect herself. I want to pull at the spaces she feels uncomfortable expressing, I want her to know that I will hold a space for her without judgement for all aspects of who she is. Really to me shaping the physical form takes diligent effort, but anyone can accomplish that. Its building a routine thats healthy and sticking to it. But learning how to create a safe space such that she trusts my hands to mold her into exactly as I desire and will her. That takes true dedication. I want to see those hidden parts of her poke their head out and become embraced by my Dominant. That is truly worth my time and effort, and when you see the results and work towards a collective goal you both desire thats the true beauty of a dynamic. 

Ive been working at shaping my girls mind, I have been delving deeper into her true nature and I adore all that I see. I am immensely grateful to her and her continued support. That she knows and is learning how to exist quietly for me when I'm angry and frustrated. That she gives me space to be angry is a tremendous thing for me because Ive never known how to appropriately hold my anger. Its been a challenging process, one I struggle in more often than not. Yet she remains by my side. She remains faithful. She has told me countless times how even when I'm frustrated and pissed off that she still trusts me and would gladly kneel beside or in front of me, even in my anger. It makes my heart overjoyed to know how deeply she trusts me, and to see further growth in that trust each day is amazing and stupendous. 

We still have so much to learn about each other. We still have so much room for growth, but we have both come a hell of a long way. I cant wait to see whats around the corner for us, and I am excited for the future that I am shaping and molding her for. I know she will serve me to the best of her ability each and every day. Of course there is a bit of leeway here, as days shes sick or emotionally scattered it will become more challenging to serve. But sometimes the way you serve is simply allow yourself to be taken care of. Or kneeling in silence. Quiet support. Active participation. It all depends on the day, your mental well being and where you are at emotionally and physically. But I know she will do everything in her power to serve me with diligence, she will honour me in each moment. She will make me a focus of her life, and I am grateful that her focus on me helps motivate and inspire her to greater heights. 

Thank you to those who have taken the time to read my words today. I hope something about our journey sticks in your mind, or helps you navigate your own journey. I hope you all have an excellent day. 

Hello Cage friends,

If youve been paying attention you will notice I havent been participating much within this community lately. I have been self centered, or as I prefer to term it self focused lately. There have been so many wonderful amazing moments in my life, and yet I have also been trying to manage the stress, anger, frustration, anxiety, depression and worry that exists in my life. 

I just recently turned 30. In many ways it was just another day, yet I have been trying to make it a turning point in my life. I have just finished my vacation and today is the second day back to work. It has been challenging coming back into work, it seems the more time away I have from my job the more difficult it is to step back here. Especially that first day. Part of the reason walking back into my work space is so challenging is because my work is going through radical changes right now. The beginning of August marks the shift into the new structure of our entire department. People are no longer doing the job they have been for the last 10, 15 or 20 years. Management has upset nearly our entire work force, morale has never been lower, and everyone is on edge, upset, frustrated or stressed. Whats going to change? Will I still hold this position? Work this shift? Will my work partner change? What and how will things be different? Will my roles and responsibilities transform? Coming back into this space has been a challenge. I feel numb. I feel angry. I feel frustrated. I see the quality of my work has diminished in areas. I dont have as much patience with the customers I interact with. I am much less motivated. These things impact me. When I act with less integrity, with less compassion, with less care each one of these things hits me harder because I am failing in new ways that previously Ive had great success. Dont get me wrong I'm still good at my job, but it now requires more effort, more energy, more motivation to reach the same level of quality that I did attain a year ago. 

Lately I have been asking myself the question "What is it I want to accomplish by my hand?" The premise of this line of questioning ultimately comes down to "What do I want/need to spend my time doing?" I choose how to act in each moment. I choose how and where my hands work. I have always found I enjoy paper and pen. I like working with my hands. I prefer to make a dough with a whisk and my hands rather than a machine. I prefer to wash my dishes by hand rather than the dish washer. I like the concept of using my hands to accomplish visible task in front of me. But I am putting my hands to their best use? Am I making the right decisions for me, for those in my life? Am I using my time wisely? Many times there is this internal voice screaming at me that I'm doing it all wrong. That I'm making mistakes. That I'm nothing but a failure, even when I can see steps in progress. That those steps are meaningless, that I have no value, worth or anything important to say. Addressing this voice is challenging. Because each time I make progress it still manages to poke me and glaringly focus my attention on what Ive done wrong. Where Ive missed the mark. Even when Ive hit the bullseye. 

One way Ive been working in my life is to recognize that the many tasks on my plate will not be accomplished in a single day. There is simply too much work to do. From the house, to the animals, to my job, to my personal life, and all the ways life happens. So I have given up on fixing and finishing anything within a day. Its not about spending 4 hours on a single task to "just get it done". For me that doesnt work. I struggle to find the motivation to work that way in my personal life. I have found a modicum of success in acknowledging that my hands work best when I take 2 minutes, 3 minutes, 5 minutes or maybe half an hour to work towards accomplishing this goal today. Then move onto the next item on the list and give it 2 minutes, 3 minutes or simply whatever I can manage today. I have what feels like a never ending supply of *tasks to accomplish*, and I feel like I am unable to work through them all. So I do what I can to put just a few minutes towards making progress this day, in this moment. If I create consistent routines of managing each task a little each day, eventually I will reach a point where all of the "to do" will become "now done". It all comes down to consistency. The biggest issue with this method exists if you do not accomplish these tasks consistently. If you let something slip for a day, or two or a week when you begin to try and make progress then you need to spend more than half an hour just to make up the lost progress from neglecting that task the last week. A perfect example for me are my dishes. Ive begun to enjoy cooking more readily, trying to improve my skill and ability within the kitchen. Trying more complicated recipes, more intensive and challenging dishes. This has been fun and satisfying especially when I create something delicious. But I can make so many dishes when I try something new. If I havent kept up with my dishes for a weeks time then it can take me hours to clean up my space. If I spent just 2 minutes washing dishes I would never get ahead and my kitchen would never become clean. The thing is it becomes my choice not to do dishes (whether its for legitimate reasons or laziness or what ever the reason is I didnt wash dishes today) and when we choose to ignore a task it becomes that much more challenging to overcome the neglect. 

The longer we neglect something the larger an obstacle it becomes. Neglect can turn a molehill into a mountain. Neglect can create problems where none existed before. So where and how do I spend my time so I am not neglecting any one particular task for an extended period of time? Part of that would be organizing the important tasks and arranging everything such that you touch each task at least every couple of days. I'm still working at the organizing part, as its never been my strong suit. For the most part this new system has been fairly successful for me. I am still working at the consistent part and tweaking different ways of where and how I show up but its been reasonable so far. One of the largest issues I face is that I dont follow the consistent effort, although when I manage my blocks of time in short bursts its much easier to remain consistent. I can focus and burst to try tackling a task for a few hours at a time but then I find myself neglecting that task over the next few days or even weeks. Its this mental concept where Ive extended all of my effort towards this thing and have none left over. Focusing on the idea that I just need to keep picking away little by little and work at being productive in the different areas each day is a much more manageable way of life for myself. Its not perfect, and I still struggle but I am finding more consistent success in this approach then "do all the things today". 

I found this ^^^ to be quite insightful and based similarly on the concept that I am trying to build in my life. 

Now how does all of this (time, effort, diligence, consistency) apply to space? First off you need to identify what space you are referring to. For me I break up space as internal or external. Internal space would be anything from the pain in my elbow, to the thoughts in my head, to the emotions I feel. The internal space of myself. How can I work on my internal space? Well I can dedicate time to meditating everyday (well I have missed the mark on that most days, but its still a priority). I can focus on my mental well being, my emotional well being, my physical well being, my spiritual well being. I can focus by setting goals and working towards them. The easiest to describe would be my goals for my physical well being. I have goals of things I desire to accomplish for me in my journey through calisthenics. If I am to become serious about my physical space then dedicated solid time to this particular goal, breaking it down into exercises and sets of exercise to build strength to accomplish what I ultimately want. In fact Ive recently managed to hold a handstand upright for longer than 10 seconds which I had never accomplished except back in middle school. Its been a long road to mastering my handstand and technically I'm still not there because I cant do it every time consistently yet. But I have managed a time or two to find the balance point and am actively learning how to suspend my body upside down on my own hands. Now, there is one other concept that I wish to apply to space. Its the embodiment and intention behind the physical space that you exist in while accomplishing these goals regarding internal space. So I have a room inside my house. This room exists and yet will serve innumerable ways to me in my life. This single room becomes my gaming room, my meditation room, my work out room, my dungeon, my anything I need it to be. How does this singular space exist in all these capacities? It is the intention that I set within myself before I step through the threshold. If I am about to begin a work out, trying to master my handstand, my L sit, my physical goal for the day I set in my mind exactly how this space will serve me. "This is my workout room, I will exert myself, I will push myself, I will go beyond and master my physical self" then step into the room. I find it helpful to set the intention before walking into the space such that I am more motivated and energized to accomplish my goals. The intention will shift and be altered depending if this is my meditation room, or my relaxation (sit and watch Netflix room), my gaming room, my creative room, my dungeon.

I do have to say though my dungeon is not necessarily a physical space. My dungeon is my girls mind. This is where we start to move into the external space. External space is anything outside of myself. This includes my house and property. My animals. My yard. My vehicle. My dishes. My girl. My girls mind. My girls body. My girls emotions and emotional well being. My girls mental well being. My girls physical well being. My girls spiritual well being. When delving into my property, when handling my external space I again work at setting intentions prior to walking through those spaces. Its in the moment when you set a goal, I will clean these dishes (setting aside the ones you will need to make the next meal in, plus a few extras to make progress towards cleaning the kitchen). Its about having plans for all sorts of fun with your property, and then realizing that something isnt right so shifting the immediate priority and goal to handle the well being of your property. Its about creating a safe space where the ultimate goal is the overall well being of your dynamic, which may have to include adjusting the set intention from sexy fun times to handling negative view of self. Ideally you do this in such a way that there is a completeness to the healing that after youve properly addressed the negative self view both of Y/you can then walk into the sexy fun times with much more vigor and enthusiasm. Of course depending on the severity and intensity if you choose to adjust the intention from sexy fun times to handling the well being of your property you may not be able to walk back into the space of sexy enjoyment. It depends on the way you manage, the issue at hand itself, the toll this disruption has taken on your girls mental well being and how she feels after the corrective process. 

The point of all of this is simply this: How you spend your time, how you use your words, how you view your space, how you expend your effort, how you set your intentions, how you exist all matter. We all make choices. We all make decisions in life. Work towards making the best decisions possible for yourself, your dynamic, your girl. Make each moment count and if you miss the mark aim to do better, be better and act better tomorrow. We still have time, but each second is priceless. As time marches forward our lives are shortened bit by bit. We dont know how much time we have been granted. We dont know how long we have left. Make this moment count and if you mess it up, do your best to make it better the next chance you get. It very well may be your last chance. 

To those who have taken the time to read my words today I appreciate your participation in my journey. Thank you for your time, I hope you have an excellent day. 

Hello Cage friends.

Today is a glorious day. I know its been a while since I have chosen to participate in this community but I am making an attempt at a return. Honestly I needed some time away to try and sort through some of my life. 

This day happens to be the day I was birthed, three decades ago. So today was a day that I made the choice to celebrate myself. I spent the very early moments of my birthday being greeted with song and time with my family. They called me first thing in the morning to make sure I knew I was loved and that I was supported today. 

I wound up watching John Wick 3 Parabellum on Netflix to begin my night, as well as half paying attention while I also played on my phone which happens to have a game boy emulator on it, in which I am replaying old games from my childhood. First up that has my attention is Fire Emblem. Its such a fantastic entertaining game. If you havent ever experienced the joy of playing Fire Emblem then I suggest you take a look. Although there are about 50 versions of the game now. Maybe a few less but it feels like they just keep creating newer versions each year. 

I managed to actually sleep to which I was woken up with a phone call from my parents. It was perfect timing because I had plans and I couldn't sleep my whole day away. So I got up and went about taking care of my house, animals and self. I had to run an errand to renew my license. So I went to the store that we have in town and managed to get a new ID photo taken. Although I nearly broke the record for most attempts on the debit machine. It took 4 times and a reset to accept my payment. I stopped off and grabbed my mail from our post office and went on my merry way. 

When I made it home I had begun preparing for my birthday gift to myself. A round of golf at the course nearby. I had to eat a little breakfast and get my animals ready to say good bye. After I grabbed everything I was out the door and on the road. After the short drive I managed to sneak my way onto the course. Because I hadnt made a tee time and was walking on I was a bit of an anomaly. So the attendant scurried me out the door and even told me to pay after my round because they were busy and she didnt have the time to try and set me up in the system. 

So I made my way onto the tee box and set off on my first round of golf this season. I hadnt had the time or money to golf before today. 

I honestly had the best round of golf in my life. I finished the day shooting 100 which Ive never reached before. I was pretty damn proud of my accomplishment although I had a monumental opportunity at the 18th hole to really save my round. But I always compete with myself when I play a round of golf. Its the front nine vs the back nine. Especially on small courses where you repeat holes 1-9 to play a full 18. One focal point of my game today had been about an "effortless swing". When you watch pros they dont even look like they are trying yet they can contact the ball over 300 sometimes 400 yards. So I wanted to be easy in my swing and make solid contact on the sweet spot of my clubs. 

I definitely had some misses but I managed some beautiful shots as well. On the front nine I managed to par one of the longer holes making a reasonable 10 ft putt to find my fifth stroke. I had a glorious drive and second shot that set me up very well. I have to be careful though and constantly reminded myself that I cant do anything about the last shot. And good or bad, I just needed to focus on making my next shot as best from where it lies. I managed to also par on the front nine a second time but I cant really count it. There was construction on the course as they are trying to build up the creek shore and do some major landscaping to the gully that runs through the course. So they had moved up the tee box past where the construction was happening. It turned the par 4 into a par 3 based on distance. The scorecards didnt get changed and so when I managed to shoot 4 on that hole it appeared as if I managed a par but in truth it truly was a bogey. 

The final hole absolutely screwed my front nine. So far on the day I had managed to keep myself from shooting any 8's. I had tried setting a goal, no 8's and no 3 putts. I failed a few times but thats always my goal. I can have a good round if I manage those two things. On the ninth hole I pulled and miss hit my drive into the water. I had to drop on the side of a steep slope. When I dropped my ball it nearly rolled out of bounds straight away. When I managed to stop it from rolling I wound up a practice swing and approached the ball. I completely wiffed. It went 2 ft in front of me. Now I'm vicious when I count my strokes because if you lie you dont give an accurate accounting of your skill. So that was 3 because of the penalty for playing out of bounds. My fourth shot landed me on the fairway but short 30 yards to the green. Now my short game is my weakest aspect of my golf game and I had been giving the wrong weight all day. I was shorting the greens or running well past. There were very few moments when my low irons really helped me. This was not one of them. I landed all the way past and when I finished my 3 putt I had my first 8 of the day. 

I stopped in at the lodge to pay for my round and I bought myself a can of traditional ale as a small birthday gift. I never buy food or drinks when I go out, at least I try to avoid it when I can. But I was celebrating. So I went back out after my purchase and began the back nine. 

Now the back nine is always more difficult. Because I'm competing with myself I tend to get worked up when I can see how much better or worse I'm doing. When I'm ahead I constantly think "dont do anything to fuck this up" but when I'm behind I'm just angry that I'm not doing as well. Today had its ups and downs. The funny part was I did the math and realized if I could manage to keep pace with myself for the first 8 holes then I could take advantage of my poor performance on the ninth hole and par it would save me 4 strokes and put me at exactly 100. 

So I was chasing being even, and I managed to miss some golden opportunities to make par, but was still playing very well. The tough part was when I reached the first par 5. I had managed to make par here the first time around and yet I completely whiffed my drive. My second shot was decent but put me under a tree which made the next shot difficult. So I was frustrated when I dropped behind myself on the front nine performance. I kept trying to tell myself about making my next best shot. After that unfortunate par 5, I managed to help my situation by saving a tying score of double bogey on a long 20 ft putt. I had resigned myself to being even further behind and barely lined my putt. I just swung and managed to sink in the same number of shots on the first round. That helped spark a better attitude and on the next hole I managed some beautiful shots that earned me an even par on the second par 5 of the course. 

After managing the first 8 holes it turned out I perfectly managed to replicate my score of 44 on 8 holes. All I needed was to par the 18th hole and I would shoot my best round of golf. So I waited on tee box for the group in front of me. When I finally stepped up and swung for real, I managed the absolute best drive of the day. I landed 15 ft from the pin nearly on the green in 1. I had landed just on the fringe and the pin happened to be on the front edge of the green. I had a chance at an eagle. When I lined everything up I missed by an inch to the right. The third shot lipped out of the cup, and the fourth par saving shot went in securing my best round. Now I was happy but there was something about just barely missing eagle to give myself a final scord of 98. The first time to have ever finished with only double digits. I had wanted it so badly. But still theres always next time, and really I cant complain about shooting my best round. Except for the weird intense sun burn and farmers tan that I now have along my forearms and nowhere else. 

Thanks to all those who choose to read my words and those that have wished me well on my birthday. Which is now technically yesterday. I tried finishing this before midnight but I just wasnt quite quick enough. 

Hello Cage friends,

I've been existing quietly in my own little world of insanity, stress and struggle. Each day it can be a new challenge, or an old one. I have been finding myself in many different headspaces, I've been motivated and lacking complete motivation. It seems there are moments of absolute desire to accomplish all before me, and moments where I just want to hide under a blanket.

There are times when dealing with overwhelming situations that I simply run and hide. I push thoughts of the situation to the back of my mind and do my absolute best to forget. When I choose this, when I make this decision to ignore the tasks, challenges and difficulties of my life I unknowingly put myself in harms way and those around me.

See I think I'm really good at hiding. I think I'm so clever and that by running away I can't let these things hurt me. That's so very far from the situation. I am always affected. It will play with my emotions, causing reactive responses to other absolutely arbitrary situations. It's laughable how immune I think I am. How indestructible I want to be. I eventually come to the realization that stuffing my troubles into the bowels of my subconscious does little to help me, or those around me.

I see the way I overreact to a different conversation that has nothing to do with my situation, but there is something wrong and I'm not addressing it appropriately. It rears its head in different ways and then I am reminded "Oh yeah", I'm dealing with some turmoil. Ignoring that turmoil does no good to me. It becomes about the choices we make. Because we choose our actions. We choose how we handle stress. We choose how to navigate those areas and either we will be able to walk forward knowing we kept our integrity or we slink away feeling defeated and lost.

In each moment, we have the freedom to choose our actions. I am going to work towards choosing actions I am proud of. I am going to choose to not allow bitterness to overwhelm my heart. I am going to do what I need in order to know I've acted with my values and beliefs. That I will hold to my code of ethics. Not everyone will understand the decisions I make, but no one else walks my path. No one can make my choices for me. I hold that power.

I acknowledge that I hide. I acknowledge that I run from certain problems. I'm tired of running and hiding. I need to take decisive action towards the places I must move in order to get my life sorted. I can't hide any longer. I can't run. I won't.

So deep breath, time to roll up the sleeves and get to work on the important trials I have in front of me. It's simple, just do the work.

Now, onto the real reason I decided to post today.

Those in the lifestyle are searching for their way forward. Each of us has our own views and perceptions about what BDSM means to us. It's all very individual, very unique and we all get the chance to walk where we need.

The most important work we can do in the lifestyle is to know ourselves. To be self aware. To understand our needs. The drive we feel. Where we want to go.

So what happens when as a Dominant you recognize the shifting of your needs?

I liken it to a mirage. You see it on the horizon. You can nearly taste what is in front of you, and yet it's nothing but air. You thought you were heading safely home, yet you got spun around and were simply walking in circles.

When you recognize that your needs are different than they were a month, or two, or six ago what do you do?

It can be terrifying. It can end dynamics. I had a conversation with my girl about this space I was walking. About how the needs that I had felt were shifting. The biggest issue is that I had set some mentalities in place which met my needs, yet with all of the struggles I am working through those needs are much less important in this moment. These mentalities that I imprinted do not just disappear. I crafted them carefully, I worked at instilling them in every moment. They are part of the lifeblood of the dynamic that we share. To have my needs shift away from these mentalities means that in order to move forward I either have to navigate this space differently while remaining in the D/s framework or break those mentalities.

To break those mentalities will destroy what was created, and make it near impossible to ever return to the depths of what we have created in this space. That is not what I wish for. The interesting part of our conversation was when my slave told me that "word for word" this conversation was had with her previous Master and immediately after their dynamic ended. Now there were a lot of factors, but a critical shift that can end any dynamic is the changing of needs in either side of the slash.

It immediately had my mind working, how do we move forward? I mean I had known me. I thought I had done the work to become self aware! But still I needed to delve further.

When you begin building a future based upon the needs you've determined you set a future for those involved in the dynamic. When those needs shift that future becomes a mirage. It no longer really exists and becomes a phantom of where you were heading. As your needs shift, as you become aware of what your current needs are the goalposts move. So what can you possibly do when you've set thought processes based solely around the needs you had expressed? Now with a shift in your needs those thought processes no longer mean what they had. They no longer serve the purpose of meeting your needs.

It can quickly become a quagmire that weighs both sides down and results in the dissolution of the dynamic. A necessary part of the process becomes identifying the shift in your needs. Why did this occur? Is it a permanent shift? Take the time to do the soul searching, take the necessary steps to find what it is you are searching for. Then it becomes about communicating this shift. Why it occurred, and it should come with a gameplan. With an idea of what the future may hold, it should come with some idea of how this affects the present and where the path will follow. I must admit I did a shoddy job of formulating a plan. I understood why my needs were shifting, I could communicate it, but I did not have any answers. Fortunately I do not need to destroy the work I've already done, because there is a solution here that upholds the work I've implemented and meets the requirements of my needs.

The first step is to acknowledge the mentality and mindset created in your submissive. Acknowledge their own need associated with the thought process you've created in them. Then it becomes about communicating that while you see their need that you are not in a place where that specific need is required to be filled today. Then it becomes about redirecting the energy into spaces while utilizing a D/s framework to meet the current needs you require. It's about establishing and maintaining the power exchange that is necessary, it's about maintaining the balance by remaining in the framework of D/s. It's about being able to say "Today, you will serve me not in *this* way but I have need of your service in *this* form." I believe that by shifting the energy you can maintain the health of the dynamic and relationship. It still focuses on the submissives need to serve, to be of service while meeting you where you are at.

It can be difficult, it can end dynamics. The change in need can shift the future into a mirage that no longer exists. By acknowledging the mindset you have created though you protect that future, you create a safe space to let your submissive know that while things may shift, her service to you is not negotiable. That her service is required. That she is important. That she is necessary in your life. It's about finding ways to remind her that no matter what her service may look like, that it is still essential.

I hope you find value in my words today, and I thank you for the time and energy you have spent in reading my blog. To those who see this, have an excellent day. 

Hello Cage friends,

Has it ever been a minute or two. I had some interesting occurences happen in my life and I have become very self centered lately. I have been withdrawn. I have been taking some time to work through who I am and where I desire to go.

I have had a wonderful bit of a vacation. I managed to get organized in my life, being more productive than I've ever been on a daily basis. I have been making steady progress in a number of areas of my life. The true outcome of many of these events are yet undecided and in a sense loom over me. But I believe some progress has been made.

I have also been at a loss, concerned over whether or not what I have to say has any value or weight and I felt lost within my search for what my desires hold and my needs are. I was searching for answers and yet couldn't verbalize what a part of my process is. To simply have a place to be able to vent is also a possibility. But I'm not someone who enjoys or desires to air dirty laundry for all to see. I live as a private person. So it can be hard to open up and share aspects of where my train of thought goes, how I decide to communicate, and choices that I get to make in my life that make sense for me and my needs.

But I have a desire to share a moment that Faith and I were having.

So there were a series of events, leading from evening my time into the morning of when I woke up.

I have been trying to work at creating boundaries for both myself and my girl around certain limits that exist. It's a process of learning how to use the best tool for a particular job. Understanding what is required and when. Why is it required and how much better does it make your likely success?

Its finding out whether a particular tool can do a job better than any other tool around it. What works most effectively? Can I use those tools for purposes that further my work, my desire, my skill.

But I asked myself one day "What helps to create a scene for a dominant?" Where does the imagination spark. Is it a moment when you see an item around you and you could imagine a reason for why it exists in your life and how it might possibly be used. Finding that spark, that flame that can generate an idea and create a future of scenarios all wrapped up inside a box that you get to play with. I mean there is a joy and fun to being able to create ideas of what might just occur during the interaction between Master and slave. Especially when you have the proper space, tools, and proper equipment to play out your fantasies. I mean having the live in part would be nice but there is so much to be gained by starting a dynamic slowly. It takes time to build rapport and gain understanding over someone. Even as you go through the process sometimes an idea you create is not something that makes sense or is feasible to the other person. Perhaps it's something that crosses a hard limit. Or for whatever reason isn't well received. 

There is a hard turn of trying to curb the enthusiasm for something you created and realizing that it's not quite the right fit for the person on the other side of the table. Because part of what we do as people who engage in any form of kink, we need to create communication and negotiate what it is we have created. It needs to be established what is allowed, where it can go. So you have to discuss things. You first have to stand up and admit that you desire to do said thing. 

So in the process of bringing an idea that I had whipped up, Faith and I were discussing over what I had written down. I realized that I touched in a dark part of everything about where I am asking her to go. Part of all of this hinged on a miscommunication though. What I was expressing was missing a critical concept that had not been fully understood. I had extra context because I can see inside my mind and she can't. So when we went to bed because of a miscommunication as much as we could go to sleep, there wasn't the usual depth of true joy that is found in those good nights. 

So we woke up refreshed and with new eyes we had to talk "about the elephant in the room". There was a bit of that pully tangly knotted sense of awkward, and uncomfortable. But we had to sit down, and talk through all of what was missed. Because I hadn't clearly communicated something the night before. We looked together and we found the missing piece of where I hadn't communicated, and where the disconnect occurred. We manage to not only switch the energy by finding a solution, but we didn't give up on something despite the initial interaction. It's led us onto places that will help us go much father together, and it happened because we opened lines of communication and were able to discuss and work through a new concept that was a little surprising.

There can be so many missteps that someone can take. There are lots of ways to go wrong and into territory that borders on harmful, abusive, demeaning behaviour. It is simply a choice of what you will do. How do you plan to create, communicate and experience what you desire? If you find successful ways of communicating what you need and can come up with as scenes, you may find yourself enjoying those fantasies more often.

I thank you for your time in reading my words today as I share part of my journey. I hope this evening finds you well. 

Hello Cage friends,

So I recently saw a challenge to adjust your voice recording to the noises of Chewbacca. I made a half hearted attempt to recreate the noise and while I can make some interesting sounds using my vocal chords, I haven't really attempted to master Chewy's excellence before.

I have altered my voice recording such that you may have a laugh, or if you're interested you can check out my first rendition from TVS. The first bit of her profile recording is my attempt at Chewy. Of course I had to make my own attempt, and so my own profile has been updated as well.

Hopefully you enjoy listening to the randomness that I can create and that if you do take the time to listen it brings a laugh or a smile to you.

*Let's pretend there is an image here that says "A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor", or you could look at the pretty image on this blog's twin.*

This blog is a collaborative work. My words are in orange. Faith's are in teal. 

Hello Cage friends, 

It has been a ridiculously long time since I have been active. I have honestly felt completely emotionally overwhelmed due to the current life situations. Events led me to isolate myself, to shut down from friends, from events, from existing except from my job and my person. I had been feeling lost in many senses, lost in myself, lost in D/s, lost in an emotional maelstrom that left me scattered and adrift in my own internal insanity. 

Fortunately with some space, with opportunities and once again finding the courage to reach out to friends that matter in my life I regained some confidence, stability and safety in feeling like I am able to interact and be free to be myself. 

Faith had written a blog some days ago about how an event had occurred in her life, and how it had created instability in her experience. How she had been unsettled. Lost. The thing was I was feeling the exact same way. I was feeling identically to her but I had not identified those aspects of unsettled, uncertain, and lost feelings within myself. It wasn't until we had a hard discussion in moments leading up to a scene, through our debrief that all of this became crystal clear to both of us how off balance we had been. How tilted and off centre our dynamic had been. Simply because at the end of the scene we were able to find balance, and it wasn't until regaining our balance did I realize that we had even been wobbling. That **I** had been wobbling and unstable. That **I** had helped cause part of the imbalance in our dynamic. So we came up with a wonderful idea. We were going to write about it together. From my perspective and hers. It's about being cohesive together and we thought it might be an instructive moment for those who have witnessed our journey to see from both perspectives and how this all came about and impacted each of us. 

Aloha, so a few days ago I wrote a blog and then I did something I never do. I took it down. I did not do so because I feel there is no value in what I wrote. I did not do so because I wish to hide from what I wrote. I did so, because I feel like there is a more productive and helpful way i could present the same information. I also did so because there was a lot that went on after writing it that helped me to see my writing in a new light. 

When I sat down to write the other day I even stated that I wasnt sure why I was. I didn’t know what I hoped to gain. I was grasping at straws. I expressed feeling out of touch with myself. I expressed having a hard time finding my “kneel.” I had gone through a circumstance that rocked me to my core and made me feel invaded. The thing is, I was off balance internally long before that situation. I just didn’t know how to say it. 

When I was a kid and used to hang out at the beach we would say that waves came in threes… a baby,  a momma, and a daddy and the third was always the biggest. The last few weeks have really felt like that and I’ve been treading water, or so I thought. 

After writing my last blog a certain really smart Dominant went out of his way to write a very insightful comment to remind me that my Person deserves all of me, my good, my scared, my out of control, my fear, my insecurity as much as my put together, loving self. He was right. However I didnt feel like I’d been “hiding” any of what I was going through or feeling from my Person…. Honestly I was hiding it from myself. 

Thing is, it turns out I do now know the reason  I wrote that blog… it was a cry for help. It was me desperately reaching out to my Person to say the things I didn’t know how to put into words. I didn’t know how to tell him how lost I felt. How hard it had been for me in the weeks leading up. I didn’t know what to do anymore and when I feel like that, what I do is write. 

I wish I could tell you that finding O/our feet again was easy or painless… it really wasn’t, but it was very much needed. On the other side is the peace, joy, comfort, and love that W/we both so desperately needed. 

A running dialogue:

Daddy… you say you were feeling out of sorts, and it only became clear after we regained our footing. You also said that you feel you had a part to play in allowing it to get to that place. Can you explain that? 

It began with a lot of external stuff happening in my life. For the most part I feel like I'm "put together". I have my ducks in a row, or so I try to convince myself. The thing is, external strife caused internal emotional turmoil which resulted in being unmotivated, undesiring to reach out. I stopped actively trying to spend time with my friends at events like karaoke, or meditation. I stopped showing up, reaching out and I began to hide. I hid myself from the community that I've come to love, I hid myself from friends, I even hid myself from me. I didn't want to do the simple necessary things required to be a living human. I became a couch potato. I just wanted to stay relaxed, stay calm, stay neutral. I didn't want extra bother, hassle, or any extra stress. So I stopped doing or driving to do anything. This had another side effect. My lovely girl took it upon herself to move things forward. In some sense she began directing us, because I had stopped doing my job. I had forsaken my responsibility. It was in small things, and small ways simple things that I would have made the decision to do anyways. "Let's watch a movie together" or "let's do some work work". The thing was I was so unmotivated, I was so distraught I wasn't forming the effort to drive those decisions. I was simply spinning in circles, and by neglect I was allowing the balance in O/our dynamic to shift. 

Thank you for explaining. I am grateful that you did not hide from me, Daddy. I never ever felt like you did. I knew You were struggling, reasonably so. You have and had SO MUCH going on. I was struggling to know how best to support You. <3 

Daddy you mentioned that I was helping to move things forward in the absence of your motivation, by suggesting the things you would have done so anyway, and W/we have discussed that You know I did this out of love and care and a desire to be helpful…. But the biggest problem was in my wording, As hard as this is, I think it would be fair to put this out there…. One of the things that was the hardest for me to hear was how my well intentioned actions made you feel. Would You like to explain what I mean? 

In many senses it was a switching of roles. I was not being dominant, I was not leading. I was not driving our focus, or pressing us into growth. The biggest issue though was the fact that I didn't bring these issues up. I have always been a bit of a pushover. I have struggled with the concept of "I am allowed to feel *insert emotion*" (specifically negative emotions) I struggle with the concept of being able to feel disappointed, angry, upset, hurt. Especially when I have caused an event by my choices where someone else has every right to feel upset with my actions. In those cases I would always logic inside my brain "Sure, I'm pissed but they are upset because I did X. So I can't be pissed" All of this is to say, I wasn't comfortable expressing when things weren't *quite right*. When I felt like my toes were being stepped on as a dominant. Like I had not taken responsibility, and in many ways I was letting my girl down. I wasn't there to be supportive. I wasn't in control. I felt disrespected. I felt insecure. I felt like a failure. 

I’ve said it to you privately, but I’m going to say it here…. Hearing that you felt that way is *incredibly* difficult for me to bear. I’m so terribly sorry that my actions contributed to you feeling that way. I’m so grateful that you told me, and gave me an opportunity to “fix it” and right myself. I’m mostly glad that you felt safe enough in O/our relationship to find the words to speak those negative realities and negative emotions and know that W/we would walk through those places together. That i would hear you, and do differently. Please forgive me for my actions which led to those feelings, I am truly and honestly sorry. 

So you see O/our dilemma, you can tell where and how this was causing a shift in the balance of O/our dynamic. You can see all the ways that this, if it continued on this way, might have caused a complete collapse of O/our dynamic and what W/we have been spending O/our time building. Now, how did W/we right this ship? What did W/we do to work towards improving and stabilizing the issue? It began with honesty. It began with me expressing my emotions, my feelings. There had been a few moments at work and in my life that perpetuated the uneasy feelings. I was honestly lost and it took admitting this openly to begin a dialogue that would work towards improving and repairing the damage done to O/our dynamic. I explained how just moments ago I had asked something of my Delilah. She is currently fasting for Ramadan and part of our routine is eating together when it's the appropriate time in the evening. I had taken way too long preparing my dinner, she had finished making her meal, and I was late in being ready for iftar. Faith had mentioned to me that she had been feeling woozy, nauseous, and many forms of weak and ill. I requested her to eat because I was upset with myself that I was unprepared and she had been suffering. The manner in which she said "No" was defiant, disrespectful, and a complete challenge to my authority. I felt shaken. I had a hard time being able to express my unease. It was not meant as defiant, it was simply meant to express her desire to sit and eat together with me. I knew she wasn't intentionally denying me, it was about being able to spend quality time together. I had to work through my doubts, my fears, my demons about expressing *negative thing* to important person. I had to walk into my negativity and accept that I am allowed to feel crappy. I'm allowed to be angry, I'm allowed to be hurt, I'm allowed to be honest about my emotions. Even when they are not positive because they are real, authentic and true to me. So W/we had a difficult and lengthy conversation. I brought situations to light where I had felt things had gone over the line of O/our established dynamic. Where I had felt like I hadn't been commanding the situation, the direction W/we were supposed to be heading. The issue was I wasn't honest *in those moments* and each time I didn't stand up and voice my concerns, voice my view of how things were sliding that they were allowed even more traction to knock U/us off balance. By remaining silent, I allowed damage to come to O/our dynamic. Partly because I put the immediate well being of my girl over the long term well being of O/our dynamic. I wanted to spare her the hurt of knowing something had been done wrong, but that's a fast way to destroy what W/we have been building. 

The point of all of this, it takes constant work to create a thriving, full, living and exciting dynamic. It's not something that can lazily be sat next to and have it succeed. It takes diligent effort and work from all sides to have something be successful. It's not just that I let my girl down. It's not just that I didn't voice my opinions and thoughts. It's that I wasn't able to identify in myself when things weren't right with me. I had to accept some hard truths about my actions, my choices, my behaviours that led U/us into this situation. I needed to take responsibility for U/us and I had to act accordingly. That began with brutal open, transparent and honest dialogue. It's not the easy path, but it's the one that must be walked if you wish for any dynamic to thrive. 

I think the most interestingly helpful thing about all of this interaction was that immediately before this *hard conversation* You had been explaining to me about the things at work which had been frustrating You. You had been *off* the night before and I knew You were agitated, but why, I had no clue. THAT agitation had nothing to do with me, and You are incredibly good at keeping work at work and home at home. Thank You. However, it was just a piling up for You. So in explaining this You expressed to me exactly what You did here: that when you listen to someone else’s feelings many times You then dont give Yourself permission to *feel*. You acknowledge and respect their right to feel the way they do, but don’t then give Yourself the same respect. In a way it invalidates and disrespects YOU. So when allllll this can of worms got opened. (Thank You for acknowledging that i was NOT trying to be defiant or disrespectful…. At all, really i wasnt. I was trying to voice that I could wait. That it was *important* and had always been important to eat together. I was trying to voice my willingness to wait just 10 or 15 more minutes that i was capable, because I knew it mattered to You.) But in the end my intention was not how it was received. So I endeavored to NOT do what You typically experience. I endeavored to not do what I have been known to do in the past. Instead of insisting on my *intentions* rather I listened to Your feelings. I found out, in the process, that You know me well enough to already have known my intentions and already have known all that was in my heart. I didnt need to be “defensive” or explain myself. All I needed to do in that moment was listen to Your feelings, and how my actions had affected You. It was really hard to do, but at the same time I was massively proud of You for being able to actually voice them despite them being “negative.” I know how hard that was for You. In the end, this conversation, the honesty, the tears and the apology ended up “righting” both of U/us. 

Running dialogue #2:

I want to first acknowledge how impactful this entire situation was, past the tears I felt like a new man. I felt whole, I felt balanced, I felt so much more peace and comfort. I felt at ease and back *home*. I would like to hear how you felt after our discussion, after the hard moments and how you felt once we had gone through the apology? 

Similarly, I felt balanced. I felt like the internal spin which I couldnt stop had finally abated. I felt like I was *me* and exactly where I should be. To have You say that You needed to step back up and take responsibility for O/our direction was a tremendous weight off my shoulders that I’d not really allowed myself to acknowledge I was carrying. I had framed it for myself as being motivational…. Because You had previously been grateful to me for that exact thing…. But I hadn’t really acknowledged how much weight that was. Additionally, it brought back all of the positive things about O/our relationship and O/our dynamic. I always respect You, but in those moments I respected You even more. I always love You, but in those moments I loved You more still. It was a relief to say the least. It also brought up again the question for me of whether I’m an emotional masochist, or whether this is just me finding my kneel again and peace in my submissive soul. I know it also brought to Your mind some questions along the same lines. 

I am deeply grateful for your spirit, for your soul and how you help motivate me. It's not a question of function but the manner in which it's approached. The words used, whether it's an acknowledgment of authority and a request for *activity*. It's using interrogative sentences as opposed to imperative sentences. This can go a long way to helping maintain the order of the dynamic and ensuring that W/we do not succumb into the same pitfalls. 

Daddy, if there is a silver lining here, what do You think it would be? And as one follow up, if You had any advice about all this, what might it be? 

The silver lining in this entire situation is that there is tremendous relief when you walk through difficult and trying circumstances. It is a simple thing and yet very challenging to do so. Not only that, but there is an opportunity to learn more about yourself in these difficult moments. I had a very clear understanding of my nature when I had you kneeling in front of me. You were genuinely, authentically apologetic and the manner in which your heart hurt, the profound way in which you needed to share your remorse over the things you had unknowingly done moved me into a much deeper understanding of who I am. I saw a clear part of my nature, of part of why I am a sadist. It was a defining moment for me, and created a deeper understanding of myself and who I am as a dominant. It’s not that I ever desire to see you cry arbitrarily, but when you do for a reason, it is deeply impactful.

My advice is fairly simple. Be honest to who you are. Be confident and willing to voice your concerns. Be able to express yourself. Take care to choose your actions, choose honesty, choose to have integrity for yourself. Choose your actions with care, choose your words with care but do not be afraid to voice the hurt, the pain, the discomfort you feel. Walking through these difficult emotions will lead you to greener pastures if you and your partner are willing to work through the issues. 

I am deeply grateful that I have one who allows me to be open, to allow me to walk into my negativity and allow me room to express it. I have freedom, joy and light in my life because of my Delilah. I could not ask for a more willing partner who simply sees all of me and accepts it. Even when in my dark, agitated, and unfun spaces. You still kneel beside me, you still trust me when I am off centre. You still place your faith in me always. You are needed. The ways you love are needed. You are vastly important and necessary. I love you, my Delilah. 

~E

Hello Cage friends,

Oh boy howdy has life been interesting over the last few days.

So I am attempting to navigate my divorce and things have taken a rapid turn into far left field. The other day I had an interaction with my ex that left me scratching my head. So far in this process we've been quite amicable. But that has recently shifted. I do not know what will come in the future but the thing is I made honest mistakes in that relationship.

I could not be honest. I cheated. I created fights right before birthdays and went past those important dates without acknowledging them. I ignored her when we fought for days afterwards. I was constantly stressed and angry. We lived pay cheque to pay cheque and no matter what I tried we just grew our debt.

I admit I was a poor husband. I was not anywhere near prepared to be who was required of me. Don't get me wrong, I did try my best. But my best was always falling short. Was always making her angry because of a lie, or stupid choice I made. Sure I attempted to help her improve her physical and mental health. I tried supporting her. I tried being everything I thought I should be.

But that was the issue, I was trying to be what I thought she needed and wanted. I tried to say what she wanted to hear.

Thing is, I harmed her. I left deep scars that she feels to this day. She feels damaged and hurt after our interaction. I accept the mistakes of my past. I am diligently working at being a better man. So far I have to say I like me a lot more these days. I'm much happier that I am not living in the past wallowing in my failure.

Regardless of all of how I've improved I also can't go back in time. I can't change the wrongdoings of my past. I still live with those ghosts within me. Now, I am going to have to face them. The Reaper comes, and he is asking his due. He requires payment for my past transgressions and how I choose to walk forward will help determine my future.

There is a chance things could go very poorly. If every action gets called into question, and the worst case scenario is realized it could be disastrous for my future. The Reaper beckons calling my name. How I answer his call with determine my life.

We all make mistakes. Many times, those mistakes don't just go away. They linger, waiting to come back when you least suspect it. Or when everything is going so right. I am at a critical juncture and where I end up could radically shift either massively positive, or massively negative. But really we all have to pay the piper. It's just a matter of what currency is going to be used.

I know I made some very poor choices as a boyfriend, fiance, and husband. Ive walked through my demons emotionally. But that work helped me move forward. None of that work gave solace to my ex. That was for me. I needed it. Now, she needs help to let the past become the past. I'm hopeful I can be useful in helping her overcome our history. It's the least I can do considering my choices added to her baggage. Part of all of this also requires me to defend myself, so that I'm still advocating for my own future and well being. I can't sacrifice everything just to appease her, but there are now so many more complications. Life just got a heck of a lot more stressful.

I will walk forward one small step at a time and see what each moment brings. Thank you for hearing, offering your time, and listening to my words. Have a wonderful evening. 

Hello Cage friends,

It has been a minute.

I have to say I am exceptionally grateful to be where I'm at. I have been dealing with a little bit of frustration at my current situation seeming to have no end in sight. My ex and I have been separated for over a year, but the house, the animals, the finances all seem to be in this interlocked "deal with this, but need that key to move this part, but can't do that because we have to move this first piece, but it's locked from that".

Last night there was finally movement. Things are progressing. That is a massive relief and while the journey forward requires many steps it finally feels as if things are moving in a positive direction which had been stuck for the past year.

Now, I've undergone a drastic shift. I am becoming a new man each day. I'm working on many different aspects and focusing my attention to a wide perspective. I am dabbling in understanding, learning and growth in about 20 some odd different areas. As you can imagine focusing on so many different spaces leaves little time to properly focus those spaces. But right now, I don't need to rush. I can take my time learning little by little the required parts of me.

I had a bit of a breakthrough last night, but truly this all began about a week or so ago.

It began in the dark morning, I had rushed to prepare for work that day. I was driving into town after getting my animals sorted and fed. I had a few ideas in my mind but I realized that any dominants journey requires them to take stock.

There needs to be an evaluation of "Is this where I need to be? Can things be better? What ways can they be better? What ways are they lacking? How do I guide myself, my s type, this situation forward into growth? What things are missing?" On my drive into work I did a heavy evaluation of my needs, what was difficult about my LDR, what aspects had I placed significant weight and how did those things truly satisfy me.

I came to the conclusion that my hand is only so good at relieving my physical desire. I had a bit of terror that perhaps I needed to take stock over the physical dominance I desire. It's not quite what I want because none of it is truly done by me. I can't touch my s type. I can't do more than direct her. The thing is, I see how immensely deliriously happy and fulfilling my girl will be for me. When I get the chance to spend my time within our physical spheres. But now, and for the foreseeable future that's not possible. So my brain did a whole line of thinking. Well if this isn't quite right should I be doing it at all? Is there ANY value in the ways we interact? Do I need to shift my focus from physical dominance into mental or emotional dominance? Am I existing in those mental and emotional spaces enough? Are they lacking?

The funny thing is I felt to some degree they were. I wasnt being emotional enough, I wasn't gaining enough control, I wasn't exhibiting enough of my influence, I just wasn't where I thought I could be. Flash forward to the end of the day, after being stressed worried and in my head I finally spoke with my girl. I went through where I was at. I expressed my concerns. I straight up kind of said "You don't satisfy me". I could have been more tactful. I could have been more kind in my approach. I also wasn't explaining the process of where I was, what I had been going over and over in my mind.

But when I expressed my vulnerability something miraculous happened. My precious Delilah, she broke down into tears. She was handling her own demons, her own internal strife. Her own triggers and past history rearing its head in a space and moment she has walked so many times before and gotten chewed out, walked over and walked out on. She broke down and I felt terrible. I felt awful, and like I had expressed myself wrong. I had put so much focus and attention into this all day long, and I had done it wrong.

It wasn't wrong.

It was necessary. It was required for growth.

She was overwhelmed because she cares. She was emotional because she felt she was failing me. She was a little frustrated and sharing her vulnerability in her own way. She was being open. She was being honest. She was being transparent. What her tears were saying is "I love you." She was expressing that her desire to be exactly what I need, to fulfill, satisfy, bring peace, joy and betterment into my life had become her failure. She felt like she had let me down, and her soul couldn't bear the weight of that failure on her shoulders. It was absolutely overwhelming.

Now I have realized there are happy tears. But in my mind most often tears and crying is associated with negative, with bad, with not fun, unpleasant grossness. I rush to this idea that "You shouldn't cry, you should be happy and smiling and laughing all the time." That's absolute crap. When someone significant in your life tells you that things may not be fully right, if that dynamic matters, if that interaction matters, if that relationship matters IT SHOULD HURT. There should be tears, but they aren't inherently bad. It's about moving into a place of understanding that emotions aren't good or bad, they are simply expression. It's GOOD to express yourself. It's required. It takes patient listening though, to understand what is truly being said. It's about listening for the small clues, for the signs of what's really being communicated in that moment. It also takes bravery to face those places, and continue in your own expression of honest open dialogue. To not shut down. To ask more questions, clarify more, explain where you are and where you hope to go.

Now, we weren't finished in our talk. My s type even went to the effort of finding some literature from a professional Dom who spoke about mental dominance. Because guess what???? I felt like I should be more, or doing something better or trying harder. Little did I realize in all the ways I was truly being dominant mentally. It took getting more educated, redefining my definition and looking honestly at my actions and identifying where and how I in fact do these things, and do them daily. I was so worried over not being enough, not doing more. The thing is LDR is radically different than IRL. You have to set different standards because safety is a thing. You need to approach things slightly differently because you aren't there to help your s type get in or out of bondage. The limitations of what should and can be done safely, and where the onus of responsibility falls is quite different. All of this impacts different aspects. Each little piece adding weight to the whole process.

So shift to last night.

Part of LDR is the anticipation. Getting excited for the idea of meeting and spending time with this P/person you've come to understand. This anticipation can turn foul though if you let it. Waiting can become a burden. Especially if the time you will get to meet is months or years down the line. That joy of anticipation can turn into frustration. So how do you combat that?

Personally I believe it's because you need to set the correct mentality regarding the situation. I can't and have to wait patiently to exist in my P/person's physical presence. This is greatly important to me and one of the reasons I could not manage LDR indefinitely. But it's a time frame. Eventually LDR will transition into real daily life. So how do I make the most of this time right now? By placing intention around my required necessities. It is in the act of cleaning my house, to prepare for my girls arrival. It is creating routines such that I can fulfill my immediate needs. It is looking after my animals such that my girl will be welcomed home, instead of chased away. It's about learning what I need to understand. It's about understanding that when my girl focuses on her work, or her daughter that she is in FACT SERVING ME. She requires to earn a living so she can best look after her own well being. She needs to provide stability, security, food, guidance, protection to her daughter. But these things, her work (which pays and provides for her) and her daughter (which is extremely important to her) become extensions of me, my Will, and my need. In cooking a healthy dinner, in the exercise done, in the time spent growing and expanding her daughters mind, ALL of these aspects are her doing what is required to take care of MY property. The thing is I need to focus on the same for myself.

I speak about wishing to heal. To use BDSM to grow the transformation of past negative trauma into healthy creative new experiences which rewrite history. Part of that is understanding the physical body. Part of that requires finding knowledge such that when I actually speak about a topic I have understanding as a guiding principle. Otherwise I'm talking out of my ass.

We as humans are such unique creatures. Our bodies take in different substances, react to stimuli differently, process differently. Each one of us holds our own history, our own challenges, our own lens and perspective. It's about managing what is difficult for us. It's about recognizing our strengths and weaknesses. It's understanding how our awareness guides and drives the physical embodiment of who we are. We are our own consciousness, driving our own unique vehicle. With its dings and dents, the way you have to shift gears backwards such to move forward. We fight and struggle against those things, and no one else can argue we are driving our body wrong because they have no idea what we handle or deal with on a daily basis. It's recognizing what innate skills and talents exist within our DNA. It's about learning how to drive us forward. About creating processes that work for us, give us fuel, get us from A to B.

I am learning I can be something of an idiot savant when it comes to the lifestyle. I have a natural ability to do things in very insightful ways, that are in line with responsible core practices to BDSM. Small things that just come to me, with no clue why I'm deciding to do it that particular way but when doing further research or learning coming to understand from a more experienced point of view why that was positive and good. I have immense potential, and as more pieces are falling into place I am learning more and more what I am capable of.

I hope you take a lesson from where I've walked. I hope you can see the beauty of what the lifestyle can offer. What makes it so appealing, so attractive, so powerful. I'm excited for my future, I'm happy where I am, but I'm going to actively walk forward. Growing my skill, my knowledge, my ability. I am going to sort my life and get back to exactly where I need to be. I will allow tears to help create spaces for significant growth. I will allow emotions their place. I will forge myself into the best version of who I am, and help those who choose me to do the same.

Thank you for your time, thank you for reading my words. I hope it inspires growth in your own journey.