Journey as a New Submissive

I’ve been filled with so many emotions I only get to see him once in a while because although we are only 2 hours away from each other give or take he works a LOT especially with quarantine kinda lifting. So we text, talk and FaceTime and agree to meet at least twice a month we try to shoot for three if possible. We are just getting to know each other so it’s fine.

Last time we met he talked about how he partook in the polyamorous lifestyle and I’ll admit I was thrown off because I didn’t see it coming. Should I have seen it coming? Anyways I just kinda of left that there and didn’t ask any more about it my mom always said “don’t ask questions if you don’t really want the answer” and I knew I didn’t want the answer. 

So we met up ( he always insist on coming to me) at one of my favorite restaurants and began to talk. He asked me about work, how’s my summer etc etc.. and the whole time he was talking I only had one question racing through my mind. “Do you still want to live a polyamorous life?” Nothing in me wanted the answer to that question I was perfectly fine not knowing. However something in me asked anyway. 

Getting to know him speaking to him just being around him was amazing I for ONCE in my 23 years of living wasn’t a giggling anxiety ridden mess around him and I liked that no I loved that I could actual have a conversation like an adult. 

Once I asked the question it really felt like years pasted and time crawled all at the same time. He told me he did still live the polyamorous lifestyle and after trying to give it up once. ( he was married for 15 years if memory serves me correct) he wouldn’t do it again everyone was miserable. In more or less words that’s what he said. There’s a significant age gap between us so he’s for sure seen more done more and lived more life. He knows living that way is when he’s his best self.

He asked me how I felt about that and truly I was crushed I don’t like the idea of sharing or being shared but I also don’t like the idea of letting him go. So I simply told him I didn’t know and if I could think about it. Because maybe I’ll be that person for him and only him maybe it’ll be worth it?

We finished eating and he walked me to my car like usual, what was unusual is when he pulled me into a hug and once the hug was over he kissed me on my forehead and made me promise I wouldn’t disappear on him and that I would get back to him about how I felt about our conversation.

I have no experience in the realm of sexual or even intimate things but when he did that I felt as if my entire body was on fire. I was convinced that if he said he lived the polyamorous lifestyle I would walk away.

Ha I’ve never been more unsure of anything in my life. 

Confused...

As the 22nd approaches and I have Another  a face to face date with a Dom I’ve been speaking with a sense of unease is building and I can’t place why. I feel it’s because things may work out with him and that’s scary but i want them to work out right? That’s the whole point of this... 

I’m 23 years old and I’ve never been in relationship and I say that to say this I don’t have a problem with it, I’ve never felt empty or alone or any of those things that I SHOULD feel. I know me and there is no realm of uncertainty. But a piece of me wants this to work why I can’t really put my finger on it. But another piece of me is completely scared I don’t like change or the unknown I need things to be planned out scheduled. Just simply going with the flow is anxiety inducing but there is nothing to control here the only thing there is to do is “go with the flow” and I don’t know if I like that I don’t know if I can do that I just don’t know.... 

I want to I just don’t know if I can I don’t know if my mind will allow it. When i face situations like this my nature reaction is to run away I find safety in myself and in being alone but I also want to venturing out?

this made no sense and I’m just as confused as you are probably reading this. I’m trying and it seems like I’m losing a battle against myself.

Thinking Out Loud...

This isn’t related to anything bdsm but I need to write it down so I thought why not here.

Traveling feeds my soul I’ve been to 12 out of the 50 states and to Vancouver twice it’s so pretty there. I take classes online so having to go to an actual class doesn’t hinder my travel plans but I can also get my degree while doing what I love. This quarantine is driving me crazy I’m going to lose my absolute mind. The only thing keeping me from going off the deep end is getting lost in a book but I still need to travel anywhere somewhere 

“One morning she woke up different. Done with trying to figure out who was with her, against her, or walking down the middle because they didn’t have the guts to pick a side. She was done with anything that didn’t bring her peace. She realized that opinions were a dime a dozen, validation was for parking, and loyalty wasn’t a word, but a lifestyle. It was this day that her life changed. And not because of a man or a job but because she realized that life is way too short to leave the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket.”

my friend just sent me this and it describes who I’ve been my whole life. I stayed to myself in school not because I couldn’t make  friends I simply didn’t have the desire it was never there it still isn’t. I’ve never till this day had a boyfriend. All my life I’ve been made to feel like I’m not doing life right. Why because I don’t feel the need to have a husband and 3 kids right out of highschool? Because getting black out drunk waking up in a person I don’t know bed isn’t my type of night? There is nothing wrong with any of those things if they float your boat.

However there is also nothing wrong with wanting to stay in and get lost in a good book with a nice up of tea, or driving 2 hours to the beach to simply watch the sunset and listen to the waves for hours, or just simply sit outside and be. Every once and a while I’ll step outside my zone of comfort and try to do things that sometimes The thought of excites me and most times I’m reminded why I prefer books.

I was told recently that being this way id end up alone.... why is that a bad thing why is that always made out to be an insult. Okay and? I like me, I like my presence. I would rather live alone and LIVE, see, explore go on adventures. Then simply be with someone just to be with them just to say look I have somebody So I fit the norm. No I love me. I know I may be different and not the average 23 year old but that’s fine too.

In my bio I talk about How Rome wasn’t built in a day but when it was complete it was magical and how I looking forward to building my Rome one day. I’ll build my Rome either way weather I’m with someone or alone and either way it will be magical because it’ll be mine. 

Thinking out Loud...

Gentle at times, peaceful at first glance.

One after another each fighting for a chance.

The shore is the goal will they make it in time?

Is there even  a clock, or just a fragile state of mind?

The sun pulls left the moon right

Causing what once was gentle to put up a violent fight.

They rise to new heights with power behind them.

The goal of the shore now a shallow  time of the past.

The force they have leaves nothing but destruction in their path.

The journey was short lived, the goal of the shore missed.

Should they try again?

Do they have anything left to give?

Thoughts...

I recently met a wonderful man who’s 17 years my senior. I adore more mature men I find them extremely active much more than those in my own age group. We’ve gone on a handful of dates and FaceTime as much as possible and it’s been great. Nothing kinky yet because he says he just wants us to get to know each other as people first. Which is amazing and I love talking to him. During our last interaction he let me know he has lived poly in the past and it’s something he enjoys. He didn’t say weather he still lives it and when we met he said he was single. This threw me because although I know especially in this lifestyle being poly is rather common which is okay... just not for me. What’s mine is mine I don’t want to share or be shared. So where does that leave me? Do I stop getting to know him, maybe just keep him as a friend? Do I just keep the same course and if he chooses to be poly that’s his choice I can still choose to just be with him? Is that even a thing? Ugh! A part of wishes he never said anything another part is happy he was honest.

Thinking out loud....

I went to a play party with every intention on talking to the man with the captivating green eyes that I met at the prior munch. As I entered the party a wave of anxiety hit me and the fact that it came out of no where made me a bit dizzy. Prior to arriving the event leader told me if I ever needed a minute I could just pick a room and decompress. I entered that room but it also had a bathroom so an older gentlemen entered shortly after.

Once he emerged  he struck up a conversation with me that led to him saying seven words that put my entire night on ice. “ being shy will get you no where” yes he said in BDSM but  hearing those first seven words caused hurt and pain to ripple through my body. As an introvert I’ve heard those words more times than I’d like. It’s heart shattering to hear someone say because of your personality you won’t get far. I’ve beat many odds and done many things. The fact that I was even there was a big deal for me. But it still hurt, I have tried to be the life of the party the out going girl the center of attention, not only is it not authentic it’s exhausting I can only keep it up for an hour two max before my social battery is completely drained. 

I know the majority of people want a head turning, life of the party center of attention type of women I know I’m not oblivious to the fact. But I also have to believe that someone out there won’t care that I’m introverted it won’t bother them. Because to be that girl the majority of people want would mean to be someone I’m not. No one wants something or someone that isn’t authentic. 

Although those words hurt and left an impression I won’t let them detour me. I am who I am I can’t change that I know I tried all of high school and most of college. Me being an introvert doesn’t mean I won’t find a Dom or I can’t be submissive it just means it may take a lot more time but one of my favorite quotes is “Rome was not built in a day but when it was complete it was magical” some journeys are long others are short but each one is unique and different in its own way. 

I wish I would’ve stayed but I mingled for a bit, so not to be rude and left shortly after, in the moment those words echoed in my ear and wouldn’t stop which prevented me from doing much of anything. Words hurt and people should be careful how they use them. I’m going to vettings, munches, and play parties and that should count for something. 

Another thing that seems to be huge is having a scene at a party. For me this will not happen my first ever scene if I’m lucky enough to have one won’t be in a room full of people my anxiety would shoot through the roof and I’d how an anxiety attack. Of the two parties I’ve been too serval people have been looking to play I decline because not only does it feels like sand is in my mouth but even if it wasn’t. I don’t know if I prefer stingy or thuddy, what my pain tolerance is, how I feel about different toys, blind folds etc etc so if I don’t know how would the Dom/Top/Switch etc... know? They wouldn’t and again I’d much rather not find out in a room/house full of people.

Hurt girl thinking out loud....

      Traveling and capturing scenery feeds my soul. One of my favorite quotes is “you think adventure is dangerous, try routine it’s lethal” I’m not a spontaneous person when it comes much of anything. I’m a very well planned out bullet point have everything laid out type of person. Unless it’s traveling I’ll throw a dart to on a map get in my car and go or buy a plane ticket to a place I haven’t been before. There is both horror and excitement in this but it’s always worth it because traveling feeds me in ways nothing else does. I don’t need a big group or a massive plan just pick a direction and go.

     The chaos in that comes with a rush of peace and excitement. I’ve explore 14 out of the 50 states and plan to do the rest before I’m 30 I’m currently 23 I’ve also had the pleasure of going to Vancouver and the beauty it holds leaves me speechless. Another favorite quote of mine is “ traveling leaves you speechless, then turns you into a story teller”  with this virus I haven’t been able to travel at all but as it lifts I will be able to travel more and I’ve decided as I do so the only plan I will have is were I go I’ll attend a munch/play party and outside of my bubble of where I live I look forward to meeting interesting people anxiety be damned.

Thinking out Loud.....

     During this journey of self- discovery I’ve learned many things. One thing about BDSM is there are a lot of terms in the lifestyle. I’m trying to learn a fairly decent amount of them and came across “Switch” while I was learning roles and titles that people identity as. I learned a switch is just that a person who identifies as both dominate and submissive. 

     As I read I asked myself if I could be with someone who was a switch? Would I want to be? Does it matter? At first I thought no until I came across a well written article written by Vega North that states “Parts of the BDSM culture idealize the idea of ​​relationships with constant shifts of power. This means that one person is always in control, and the other person is not. Instead, dominance and submissiveness can be seen as a dynamic. The power is the concept that gets passed around and determines the roles.” 

    After reading this I understood what a switch was but don’t think I could ever be with one. When I first discovered BDSM one of the things that appealed to me so much wasn’t the sex, or bondages, or anything of the sort, as someone who is highly inexperienced sexually its  actually a bit scary. But what did appeal with the complete power that was given up and the comfort, freedom, trust, structure, and peace that came with giving that power up. With that being said I don’t think being with someone who also enjoyed giving up power even a little bit of the time would work because I don’t want to have that power.

Thinking out loud.....

I went to my first vetting event on Saturday 5/30 2020 and it was very laid back. As I’m trying to find a group I can become  familiar with and truly get to know those in the group and learn new things. Upon arrival I had to show my ID as no one under 21 is allowed within the group I also had to sign a waiver and verbally agree to a set of rules. Once this was done I joined everyone at the event leaders living area. 

it was about 30-45 people in attendance not all new some people were vetted members and just wanted to come for conversations and to meet the newbies I guess. I was okay and unlike the play party my anxiety was at bay. I spoke to many subs of both genders and one kitten I had never met someone who did pet play so that was fun and she was adorable. At the start of the night the event leader spoke of rules, what happens if they are broken the 1st, 2nd and 3rd time, memberships, and types of play that is not always allowed some plays like breathe play, blood play and fire play, and Consensual non-consensual may not be allowed depending on where the event is being held. He introduced us to his DM staff all weren’t there but most were and told us about an upcoming party on Saturday that we could attend if we’d like because of this we would be vetted and the party was for vetted members only.

Once he was done I spoke with more subs and was at peace and relaxed. Until a gentlemen with the most captivating green eyes I Have ever seen in my life approached a group of us and asked if he could have a moment of my time. My head felt like it weighed ten pounds and my mouth was dryer than a desert. I nodded and he proceed to introduce himself. I only remember bits and pieces as I was focused on not running out of the house and going home. I know he could sense my unease and tried to lighten the mood but my body would not stop trembling. I don’t know why, he didn’t make me uncomfortable and he had a very nice easy going personality I talked to the subs just fine and I don’t even know what category he fell under because my mind wouldn’t Allow my mouth to form words. I hope he attends the play party because I don’t care if it takes every fiber of my being I WILL talk to him and apologize. 

thinking out loud