Someone posted that on my blog the other day and instead of making just a remark to them they inspired this writing.
I have not had a real relationship for 5-7 years. I part because other then short flings I am willing to wait to find someone who fills my needs totally that person is worth it.
May it take a while to find them might I never find them sure maybe but id rather wait for my unicorn then settle with a troll.
Why I am at the best place in my life.
I have done more soul searching in the last 6 weeks then I have my last 10. My issue where I considered Jay was important because it ended considering Cis Hetro males or Transmasculine people who put out cis het vibes for intimacy. This concern exited since up until 13 I was raised as “male” being given FtM treatments for my intersex condition against my will. So a question existed did I discount “men” because I’m a lesbian or because of how I was raised. Yet having reality collide made it quite clear it wasn’t how I was raised!
Why did it take till my mid 30’s to figure this out I Had a hard time even accepting myself as human because of how I was treated. Family abuse and having medical professionals apologize for me being female and or calling me trans by mistake so a non stop need to keep educating people made me wonder how can I have or be a “female” when was the last time a female you met go to the ER for a possible broken wrist have residents taking photos of their privates.
Realizing I let my life even for a moment break my spirit showed up visually drastically by me putting on over 100 pounds of emotional eating when previously I had been running marathons and doing professional combat level martial arts I could barely walk up steps without getting winded.
What kept me alive through the suffering was a sense I had to change the medical health system for trans and intersex people fundamentally so others don’t have to get broken like I was.
Working as an EMT I was in an accident on route to transfer a cancer PT to long term care when I was in an accident a combination of the speed my weight and poor car of the unit I had a tear that caused me to be bedridden for nearly 3 months. This was the start of me having the time to work on myself but I still didn’t believe I had the capacity to heal since with a life so crazy how could it be possible. Then I realized thanks to some choice people If I went though it and I’m still here I have the opportunity to write a new chapter in my life and turn the page on who I was into who I want to be manifest finally.
I had always been an activist but took good intention to avoid Intersex issues because I didn’t want to be a public face. Too afraid I was unstable and would be a bad role model I’m imperfect and still at times had thought of suicidal ideation figuring that once I got to live to see intersex genital mutilation in the United States the one dream I lived for achieved I wouldn’t have anything to live for anymore.
But in part because of the injury I had to have a bone density scan it ended up coming back normal for a woman in there 30’s. This is not remarkable for someone with my condition since “People with CAIS are genetically male – 46, XY (instead of 46, XX) – but in every other way, they are female. “ I always wanted to compete in martial arts but held myself back worried that somehow my intersex status would be used against me. I have had to watch other trailblazers get to go out and live dreams I held back from. But why the issues people cite ( testosterone advantage ) I produce zero and even if I did my condition I can’t use it Bone density nope. So the only hold up now is getting into elite athlete shape LETS FUCKING GO!
Feeling fired up about something I always wanted to but never had the courage has me realizing its ok to do things I want on the way to being a medical provider. I don’t have to stay hidden anymore I’m awesome I love me and what I have done and what I will be able to achieve. I am more than a label But I don’t mind if people need some to define me: Honest, sincere, disciplined, Intersex, Female sex, Non-binary gender, demisexual, lesbian, activist, pacifist, Intelligent, atheist, Buddhist, these labels and more can be used but really lets face it when your dealing with the one and only A.K. let’s not worry about labels I sure as hell don’t.
Thanks and love to all.
I am technically pansexual but I have never yet been with a guy even though I'm in my 30's!
Why? Simple more then pansexual I'm demisexual which means I need a deep emotional connection with someone before I view them as a sexual partner.
The only guy I even attempted with was my best friend J who I knew for 15 years first and we ended up not having penterative sex and I view even attempting it with him as a mistake because it hurt our friendship.
Why when I have been clear about this do I keep getting men coming at me sexually especially right off the bat?
You might argue well you mentioned fantasies with a guy thats true but that would have to be one special guy for me to attempt with and as of right now I am father from believing thats a thing as possible.
Additionally switch means just that I'm not a sub so if a guy wants to be with me unless your open to me chaining you to a wall whipping the shit outta you then fing or plugging your butt and having you down on your hands and knees collared worshipping me as the goddess I can be then don't bother! I am not a sub and in most aspects of my life I'm an alpha female that has an intensity yet sincerity that blows people away.
I have thus far only dommed people and have been curious about exploring something different if you have a problem with that not being my idenity good move along.
I'm tired of having to say the same thing every few days.
I spent the good first part of my sexuality only doming and thinking that's all I ever was or could be.
Yet as I study for medical school, work as an EMT, and better appreciate my feminine body and desires I just don't at the moment have the energy or will to go there.
I pleed and almost beg someone to take the decisions away to please myself, and make a moment no longer about what I want but what someone knows I need!
I never felt comfortable with my body as been discussed but I am ready to explore it and embrace it to a whole new degree then ever before, but somehow now that I'm ready to grow as a woman and human being all I get is uninteresting human dildos looking for my attention.
Where's men of value, or females that would like to ravage me. Alas it seems like many things the moment I'm ready to go everybody has already left and I'm stuck looking for a partner I don't wanna be paired with the kid who eats paste huffs glue and has mommie issues.
Press me into a wall, put your hand up my skirt when I say not here or now, whisper in my ear as you shove your fingers inside me does it look like I asked you now enjoy it bitch. As my pussy grabs around you and I cling to you smile knowing you can own me anytime you want.
Sigh 😔 I guess that's my punishment for being undesirable such thoughts will only be dreams.
I have been open to everyone on here and it's been cathartic working through my demons. I don't think I have been able to adequately express that my body mind and emotions are hyper feminine. I always had a female body.
Growing up because of my condition people constantly were harassing me to model its an open secret that many models have my condition because being unable to process testosterone we have beautiful features in terms of standard beauty.
I updated my photos so you can see what I looked like for the majority of my life. Albeit I was pensive, that picture came about because I had a friend at surprise me with that outfit and they wanted to see me wear it to dinner.
Until someone decided it was ok to roofie me which made me feel ugly and give up on myself. The abuser was the first male to ever penetrate me it was quite painful. As I have voiced before I have had issues with getting comfortable in my body to begin with and that compounded it.
I felt unable to function properly for a long time, the fact I'm female I sometimes feel obligated me to a life of punishment for merely existing.
I'm trying to combat the bullshit in my head and gain a confidence and appreciate I never had prior. This blog has been so good to me as many of you have tried to help and support me. That's why I even as I'm crying as I write this I feel that its important for me to post this for all of you to see.
Thanks for the continued love and support,
Icegirl
I had to correct someone as intersex about trans and intersex being different this is what I explained...
Hello friend, I don’t know you personally and I think you may have some misunderstandings about me. I want to make this clear as you are well aware there are many intersex conditions and how those are expressed, how people and their families interact with said experiences, and what if any treatments are given, (without consent or requested) is different for all.
With such a range of experiences it isn’t uncommon for some intersex people to see themselves as trans or a cis heterosexual. Intersex is an umbrella term that covers so much and this reddit tries to make it comfortable for all who wanna have discussions and a safe space for intersex people, our allies and people curious.
I’m intersex I’m sick of feeling ashamed of my biology, here is the summary of my story. I have two conditions CAIS and Persistent Mullerian ducts. When I was born my family originally put me in foster care because they weren’t even sure they wanted me, for better or worse they did decide and opted to correct me as a male child which is almost unheard of in the case of my condition.
I didn’t know about my intersex condition growing up, but they would often tell me I was male on the outside but female on the inside but what I did know for sure is anytime I showed any interest at all in female toys, behaviors, or activities I would be abused.
To spare the details it was pretty grim while this was going on they were forcing me to see doctors and take treatments to try and masculinize me, the medication unable to do much of anything just would make me sick. I would beg and be afraid because it just was getting to be so much. During most of my schooling children would make fun of me for being so pale, sick, and weak which was a direct result of this treatment.
Finally I had enough, as I started growing breasts and not showing any signs of masculine development for puberty I demanded that I’m female and I didn’t care they needed to respect that.
Well there response was to send me to an all boys school and shave my head where I was sexually harassed daily for being FtM eventually this led to me being assaulted where males just apparently needed to see me naked.
The day my torment ended wasn’t because of my families love or understanding it was that I had developed a period despite the treatments and the doctors refused to give me male treatments with my protests.
My family so angry they neglected me, and tried to keep pleading with me they want what’s best from me being male on the outside female on the inside was a gift since the way women are treated will make my success impossible since so much is already stacked against me.
I didn’t care and the abuse continued so much so both my father and mother lost custody, and my mother fled the state due to her stabbing me. I didn’t care to pressure charges. By 16 I was a homeless independent minor and finally I had a say and that say was to correct the mistakes that were inflicted upon me.
I am not, nor was I ever trans. My body was meant to be female and my family tried to do unspeakable things to mold me into what they wanted for me, instead of letting my own agency take the point. Yet due to the abuse I am uncomfortable being female, I am ashamed of my body, I hate at how simply being a female, has cost me my entire family and the church I was brought up in. I want you to know I view gender as separate from sex I am gender fluid although I lean female because it is who I am.
I exist and my truth is just as valid as yours or anyone else’s. There’s a reason I say this is philosophical some would argue the fact my family tried to raise me as a male and I am now female I am trans. I say that’s horseshit because if it wasn’t for my condition I wouldn’t have pushed so hard because nothing was making sense from a physical sense I was deeply ill and had to have corrective operations done to fix what they did to me or else I could have died because periods.
LET ME BE CLEAR : I am not saying some intersex people don’t use or want trans as a label as a part of their process. I and many do not feel its valuable for us, I am a friend to trans people in fact I have argued that Trans people should have more self-determination if doctors will provide operations and hormones on intersex kids from birth, or in early childhood who don’t want it why not let someone convinced of who they are have fair access.
I am with you in the fact that Trans people and Intersex people have overlap but I disagree in terms of condition. For me the overlap comes down to the rights of body autonomy self-determination and the way some people stigmatize both communities for simply existing. There is a reason many intersex people don’t wanna talk about it or be open it is because they want relatively normal lives and seek approval from the medical establishment and heteronormative culture. I agree it might never be possible but I respect that is what they seek.
As for me I am a moderator here (on intersex reddit) , I volunteer as a board member of Oii America the largest intersex organization in the world, I have counseled many intersex and trans people, I currently work as an EMT on my way to medical school. I hopefully as a medical professional established can advocate for better treatment of trans and intersex peoples, AND FINALLY my personal desire I studied martial arts since I was 7 due to abuse and never wanting anyone to hurt me again.
I had a broken foot there was concerns about my bone density so my doctors did a bone density composition scan it came back perfectly normal bone structure and density for a female. When I got those results I cried and cried because for years I refused to compete in sports for fear the fact I am intersex would somehow be used against me. Sure anyone who knows anything about my condition would know I had no testosterone advantage shit I don’t even produce it never have as far as I know.
Then it hit me I could finally compete at the champion level I am in a Taekwondo studio that just came back from worlds winning 9 world cup medals in Slovenia. https://itftkd.sport/event/viii-taekwon-do-world-cup/
Since that moment of my bone scan I have been training on average 4-6 hours a day often until my hands are bleeding and I’m ready to puke. I robbed myself something I loved my whole entire life and I’m not gonna do it anymore. How can they ban me legally, medically, birth certificate its all Female and medically every test shows normal female and I haven’t had an ounce of testosterone in years which even if I had it would have no effect and now with this bone density scan what’s the objection that I have a Y chromosome that does nothing?
That I was raised as a male till 13 and somehow that privileged me. LETS FUCKING GO WORLD I’m tired of being afraid to see what I got vs the best of the best.
Nice to meet you now you know me the one and only!
Last night I was talking to a woman I admire she was going through some of her pain with me for her to open herself up to me in such a devoted and trusting manner already put me in a delicate position since she had taken three shots.
I know alcohol has a tendency to cause people to loosen up people have been using it as a social lubricant for years, however I never felt right even in just a conversation if shes only welcoming me into her sphere because she's relaxed more then usually then -- I would hate to violate our trust.
She made it quite clear not only is it a natural way, but it has only made her bolder in her feelings.
To hear that finally from someone I had always admired and desired almost caused me to faint are we really cyber sexting -- what even fucking is this?
I don't know, I never wanted a long distance thing or online thing, shit even when people tried to have phone sex with me it felt kinda weird.
But in this moment last night just talking with her felt as if we understand eachother in a way that made my body sing. Imagining the things she says she wanted from me or to do for me.
Then she gave me a warning that she gets aggressive at times in real life I was thinking oh thank goodness. As someone who started BDSM in there teens and works as an EMT if it ain't intense is it even happening. I have had vanilla sex before with women and my god my mind just isn't backed into the moment at all I am forget phoning it in I'm just thinking about what I gotta do later today, or if I left something in the oven.
But passionate sex with someone you love: nails, teeth, force, sucking, fucking, rubbing, drinking licking. When both parties are covered in sweat, cum and my white skin matches my pink pussy from the engagement now that's a relationship with compatible sex and someone worth keeping forever. 😉
Sadly right when I was starting to feel my lips drip wet she excused herself to bed and I was so damn horney and frustrated 🥴 how could she go to bed at a time like this! She gets me going then teases me by sleeping, man she went from goddess to brat prettying quickly.
I tried to go to sleep as well but I kept tossing and turning in part because of the locktober challenge I had been a part of i had masturbated to orgasm in 2 weeks and she primed me in a very vunerable state so I had to just write to her.
You talk about coping with sex i know your asleep but man you got me going I am in almost agony because of how wet and longing I am for you.God if I was with you tonight I'd want to love you like it was the most important thing in the world and at the moment it is.
Then she responded why do you think I excused myself? She didn't go to sleep we were vibing and both our bodies couldn't take the attraction any longer without being addressed. I was so bashful finding that out.
I almost wanna blush even now 😳 I am shocked I can have that effect on people, especially a woman I'm capable of falling for 🥰
Yet I made a promise to myself to not take myself to orgasm because locktober and forcing Chasity and sexual cleansing can raise focus and desire.
Yet after tossing and turning I finally went to sleep but my dreams were of her. Shes studying to be a doctor so its gonna sound cheesey but hey it's a dream deal with it. If you read this far into the blog here's where you find out what caused
me to have to clean my bed today. While I was asleep I cam and all around my vagina ended up being a puddle.
So I am visiting her and its getting late wne were just going to bed and we haven't been together yet she looks at me and i open my blouse to expose my right breast and tell her "I have a problem doctor I think my heart is broken" then I continue forcing it into her hand as she's still kinda surprised.
Is there a treatment or prescription. She joking back says 'you know if your heart was really broken you'd need a referral to cardiology do you want me to get an AED"
I then say I think the only shock advised is you and i pull her into me and kiss her forcefully on the lips savoring the taste and then letting it slightly graze my teeth as she attempts to pull away for air.
I look concerned as she has a momentary look on her face like shes considering what to do next.
I see that hesitation as if she isn't sure if she wants me to feel rejected I sulk and sit on the bed ready to apologize for overstepping my bounds when all of a sudden she leaps on me tackling me into her bed and ripping my top off exposing my tender breasts nipples starting to swell almost painfully aroused.
Having just a moment ago think she was not gonna go for it I was nervous as a bunny. What is this hunnie i thought you weren't sure.
That's right i wasn't sure what i wanted to do next with you! And then she forced her wait into me smooshing are breast as she holds me tightly and beging to passionately kiss me as if that wasn't all she was up to her thigh somehow finds my vagina and is pressing on me rubbing with a forceful intensity in rythem to my body.
Then she says it I wanna hear you please show me your soul as we mate. I start crying from the intensity from the moment and i grab onto her and start kissing her neck nibbling her and then finally a jolt through my body casuing everything to shiver I can't hold it in any longer and i let out this yelp of exhilarating arousal. She knows she scored a victory and grabs my breasts and starts sucking on my nipples getting them to the point of nearly standing then she looks at me it dead faced and pokes me in the nose. I was like what's that for and she says see being a woman aint so bad silly 😜.
I hug her crying saying I never wanna leave her.
Well I could go on but outta time especially since i still gotta clean this damn bed. Curse you infernal woman 🤣
Positive Relationships (R): Reflect on the quality of interpersonal relationships in your life. Do you have enough time with the people you care about? Are you able to demonstrate your positive feelings toward the people you care about in your life? What degree of support, laughter, joy, etc. do you offer and receive from these relationships?
Score Range : 0 to 10
R : 1
I have almost no positive relationships and have a near inability to have maintain or foster such relationships. I know what I am good at and the connection and relation with others isn't it. I believe this is a direct result of me having suffered damage to my first attempts at attachment. When I was born due to a situation my first few months were in a foster facility which clearly was so overrun and poorly staffed I had already learned not to bother crying since no one will ever come to aid me. By the time my mother did decide to try and raise me although due to her youth (teenage pregnancy) and a drug problem without help she wasn’t much better then total neglect since it was abusive. Being left alone or tormented on the daily by your mother who claims they “love you”. Thus it isn’t surprising someone who started out in my situation as their operative mode finds people who wish to interact with them dubious in nature and deed.
I still see myself as the child not even a mother could love the idea that a random stranger could ever love me or truly care just seems impossible. Thus my logic is anyone’s attempt at connection must therefore be discounted out of hand as them either being: mistaken, misguided, or looking to mislead me. I am the lone wolf, I seek no comfort from others although for those I have deemed worthy I’d bleed for them. I value others’ lives above my own. I lack the capacity to have human relations and have nearly no one who cares about me thus almost every life is more important than my own. People tend to have family, friends, and people who count on them. When I am gone I won’t even be missed thus I am always at the ready to make alchemy happen and exchange my peace and life for another’s.
When I first started in BDSM and any relationships of any kind I made damn sure everyone knew I was the dom the Alpha and Omega! I don't know if it was a result of abuse of shunning myself of needing to project nothing but a fountain of strength so I was a "Dom" / "Top" only! Women and even the first few guys I dated while figuring things out at times were shocked how even simple moments if there push back got resulted in a backlash of me wanting to break them for daring to show such insolence.
You wanted to try and top me of all people even for a second prepare for me to drive you into the ground pinning you by your throat asking you if you think this is a game filled with the fury of raging rapids. After even if they bowed there head still I felt awkward because they dared to challenge me and that itself was the only disrespect they needed to show for me to feel they didn't understand me.
Yet with age and wisdom I see that was coming from a place of insecurity of fear towards vulnerability. The moments I let go of control and started to flow with my partners I started to see a dynamic that was less force and more us. As I became more of a switch I Started to read my partner and play in the dynamic with them instead of drive them into what I wanted.
The reason why I am anxious around many doms is when I interact with them I see that they have many of those same poor tension moments when it comes to giving up control. Nothing wrong with that most my life I was there myself and I totally can understand how for some people that's what they need.
My natural desires often lead me to perfer dominate position but once I let the roles and strict expectations go, and started appreciating my lovers and what they bring to the tabel each as a unique expression of this brief moment called life. My sex and happiness was greater.
That's when I felt I reached something higher then a title of mistress or master and gained my own appreciations for the diversity within humanity.
Ps. Don't expect if you're a Dom and you wanna be with me that I can always sub that's not how it works. It isn't a for the moment thing, sure if I'm with a Dom matching the energy will naturally cause me to bring out my subby side more but it can't cause me to alter who I am, no sex or relationship is worth that.
Love the one and only,
Icegirl
The last blogger talked about attention from blogs I made it quite clear I am interested in dom women and women in general not dom men or men in general even though I am innately bisexual and could find either attractive.
The issue is I find it hard to have a genuine emotional connection with a man.
Yet I get usually 2-5 requests from men nearly daily when I'm on a bit yet almost no women ever.
I understand part of this is dreaded society and the social roles and expectations on women vs men.
If every woman wants to be a little chased and wanted well they gotta at least first let them know your interested I guess.
As for men I think it goes back to the dumb and dumber line so well you're telling me there is a chance.
1 in a million not goos odds and when I get so many guys giving me guff about how im bias judgmental too harsh because I don't know them yet a bully gets old.
I already know that me saying I might be curious having sex with men and at times even want that on a physical aspect but I haven't done it for my reasons what makes the next one up think he's the one.