A Purposeful Journey

I just spent a lovely weekend with my Master. E knew that I desperately needed some in person submission as long distance just isn't the same, especially when life is so busy. After helping me bring in my things from the car and giving me a big hug, he had me kneel on a padded stool (so he can reach me better, he's tall,) then pulled off my dress and fastened the collar around my neck as I held up my hair.

I had to get up on my knees on the stool as my ankles were hurting so I held onto to his shoulders, making sure to keep my breasts exposed for him of course. God, looking into his eyes while I'm whimpering from the pain and pleasure as he squeezes and pinches makes me shiver. While he smiles and tells me softly that my whimpers turn him on, that he loves it when I suffer for him, and then cumming from that, as he has trained me to do - sooo satisfying!

We also tried a few new things over the weekend, of which my favorite was probably cockwarming and cock & ball worship.  I recently read someone's very helpful post about it on here and had to try it. 

I've always loved giving head and I'm always turned on by it, but I've never just had a cock in my mouth without intent, so to speak, just keeping it there and suckling gently off and on. It made me happy to do something that he enjoys, and I found it very sensual and comforting. My submissive feelings were also triggered by this as I was lying between his legs with my head cushioned on his thigh, as though in my proper place.

I also enjoyed cock & ball worship, gently running my tongue up and down and around his balls, finding and noting the spots that made him catch his breath, licking from his taint all the way up, just taking my time and enjoying it. He eventually started fucking my face, which I love.

Sunday morning he got up and fed his dogs, and then lounged in the living room, dozing in front of sports while I was still asleep. I woke up a little later and went out to join him. I laid down for a cuddle - we both love cuddles - and then I slid down to cockwarm him. What a delicious way to wake up on a Sunday. Fortunately E isn't one of those who doesn't like a slave to take initiative, because I needed to please him, and I wanted his cock in my mouth.

So he was ok with that, and I laid there suckling gently on his cock and licking his balls and taint for a while. While my pleasure was not the point of this, it does really turn me on and I had several orgasms from the lovely sensations combined with the thought of serving my Master this way, like his useful little slut. After a while he turned so he could trap my head in place with his leg so he could face-fuck me hard which made me cum even more.

I told him after that I love it when he uses me hard. God it's so hard to describe the feeling I get when I'm nothing more than his slut. I'm not A slut, I am HIS slut - there is a difference. The more he uses me and tells me what a good slave I'm turning into, what a good little dirty whore I am for him, the more turned on I get, but I also feel incredibly fulfilled. Then I'm not the corporate leader, or "the one" who has to take care of everything from the house to the yard to the cars, etc.

He respects those parts of me, yes. But when I'm lying on my back with my head hanging off the bed, and he's shoving his cock down my throat and using his hands to push my legs open and slap my pussy or squeeze my breasts, doing whatever makes HIM happy, it makes ME happy. I feel valued by this man as a woman, and I feel intensely feminine and sexy. I feel owned. I feel relaxed, knowing that I only have to be a girl. In those moments I am happy to be his slut - nothing more, but also nothing less.

I guess it's really been a rough month for me since I've last seen E in person.  I've been busier than I want to be, but life is that way sometimes and when you're long distance, it makes it tough.  We stay in touch though, text every day, call quite a bit, etc.  I'm still his slave, my pussy still belongs to him, and I love his guidance, but I'm DYING for some in person slave time.  I need my Master's hands on me.

Last night he was there for me.  My elderly parents live in Florida along the Gulf Coast, south of Tampa and north of Sarasota.  Not on an island thankfully but close to the water.  They decided they weren't leaving, and last night it looked like they were in for a direct hit.  

So I went for a hike, hoping I'd feel better.  I did until I hit the deer on my way home. I was only doing about 30, and the airbag did not go off due to the angle I think.  Bumper is busted up and hood a little dented but I made it home.

I sent E a pic and told him what happened.  He was already aware that I was stressing about my parents. He called, then had to call me back. In the meantime I got the dogs out, put the ducks away, heated up some dinner, etc. Lol I had texted right after I got home and included the "Sir," but I forgot a little later.  He texted me wondering if I needed a pre-emptive "punishment" spanking lol (I'm still in my grace period until Friday) and I was like sorry Sir, not doing well, had a cry.  

I called him once I got into bed and he was like it's not that bad, not a lot of damage, etc.  I was like I'm just tired, I've been working SO HARD at all this stuff trying to keep up with the mowing, hike, eat good food, take care of myself and my animals and now this happens and I'M TIRED!!  I sniffled and said I'm all "whinypants" tonight lol.  He gently agreed. 

E was encouraging though, pointed out that I'll most likely get a rental car for my trip this weekend and possibly my trip to Florida depending on when I can get my car in to be fixed. That will save wear & tear on my car.  He also sent me some updates showing that the storm path was moving south, trying to help ease my mind.

I tried to point out my positives. I'm almost done with the duck pen - I'm leaving for my parents house on 10/8 and it has to be done before then so they're (relatively) safe-ish while I'm gone.  They currently free roam around the yard all day. Once I'm done with the pen, I can slow down a bit because the other stuff doesn't have deadlines.

I said I caught myself stress-snacking lol and put the darn crackers away.  And didn't beat myself up because as E said to me, the whole weight loss thing is a marathon, not a sprint. Lol he said that he knows I'm going to keep going and keep losing because I'm so damn stubborn.  And reminded me that I need rest to lose as well, I've been going full out for a while now.  But soon, I will rest.  

We chatted after that about random stuff and I told him the story about when my ex's ex-girlfriend in Iowa wanted to come down and visit with her boyfriend.  Telling that one had me laughing my ass off, it was such a special kind of awkward and awful (FYI wigs and roller coasters don't mix.)  E enjoyed it too :)

E encouraged me to go to bed early, and I crabbed a little when I had to let old Sasha outside again - darn dogs will expect a treat again since someone went outside lol.  E said rightly that it's my fault for feeding (ha) into that behavior.  I said yeah, yeah, I know.  He said hey, is it good for YOU to eat right before bed?  I TRIED to say yes but started giggling.  He said did you just try to brat and fail???  I said yup, apparently.  He laughed at me and said someone else must be rubbing off on me. Lol I think it was just the night.

E was really sweet to me last night and I appreciate him helping me get through it.  This is what a good Master does, I tell him I'm struggling and he knows what I need.  In this case I needed positive thoughts, distraction, and a little firmness :)

Can't wait to see him.  Can't wait to serve him and be used by him. Can't wait to be on my knees, looking up at him with all my trust and submission shining in my eyes on Friday evening.

E and I talked about roles in a relationship recently and about how a man and a woman in a relationship each have their role. He said that they do what they are suited to do, or at least they should lol.

In the work world, E and I both believe in equal pay for equal work.  I work in an office, and I should be paid as much as a man with the same experience doing the same job. 

With some jobs there might be other considerations - for instance, if you want to be a firefighter, you have to pass the physical tests as well as learning tests. As a 5'4" woman, I know that I'm not able to handle a 100 pound ladder, or carry an unconscious man out of a burning building.  If there are women that can and want to fight fires, great!  But it's not a good thing to lower physical standards for the sole reason of being more inclusive. This is my opinion people, we are all entitled to one, right?

I also speak from past experience.  In my late 20's/early 30's, I worked in transportation.  I drove a cargo van and delivered packages, drove a forklift, and threw freight on the dock.  After 5 years and 2 trips through physical therapy, they told me that I was too small to keep doing the job.  I got into insurance and have been there ever since.  My shoulder joints still feel the effects of those years.

My idiot ex was good for nothing so I've gotten used to doing everything myself.  I had to take on both roles in our relationship. I had to put myself in the mindset of SUCK IT UP AND DO IT just to survive lol. 

Change the oil, mow the lawn, weed eat, fix the koi pond (try anyway,) clean the house, do the laundry, clean the duck house - I did what I had to do, and still do now that I'm on my own. (E is across the state so he can't realistically help me.)

I had the marvelous epiphany after our conversation that wow, in some future relationship I could actually work and have the incredible luxury of JUST DOING THE DOMESTIC CHORES!!!  This honestly makes me wanna cry a little. 

Of course I thought about this all weekend while cementing 4x4 corner posts, sinking T-posts, and running wire fencing for the duck pen I need to finish before I go on vacation. I am exhausted today and my bruises are coming in nicely, thank you.  Domestic chores? Well, I've named the spider that lives in the corner of my sunroom window.  Frankie pops out to chat in the afternoons. (I like snakes too. Louise the Larger lives out in my yard.)

When I pictured women who only have to do the domestic chores, I realized that I was stereotyping, and that's why I wasn't really comfortable at first with the thought of being the woman who takes care of the house while the man takes care of the outside chores.

When I picture a woman who just does the domestic stuff, I picture some of the women that I know. They work, and tend to spend a lot of money on clothes and purses and stuff, and they can shop and/or talk about shopping for a long time. They like to gossip, read People, and watch reality shows. Uggghhh I like them but I can't relate.

They're the kind of women who MIGHT go for a short hike, in expensive exercise gear of course, but they would talk the entire time (my pet peeve, people who won't STFU while hiking.) It's not that there is anything WRONG with these women, I've just always been different.

I guess my fear was that I'd end up with a man who expects me to be like those women because I want to be in that woman role. I needed to insert my own personal weirdness and create my own view of me in the woman role in a relationship.

Here is who I am:

• I LOVE to hike and I need as much forest time as I can reasonably get
• My towels don't match my bath and they're probably 15 years old - they still dry, so I don't care
• I love to hang clothes to dry outside, especially sheets - they smell so good!
• My home decor consists of black and white photos, random things like vintage marbles, things I've picked up on trips, and lots of peaceful empty space
• Stores are full of stuff I don't need - the thought of walking into Bed, Bath, and Beyond gives me hives
• Clothes shopping can be fun in small amounts - I enjoy it but I get overwhelmed easily
• I love to be sexy for my Master: shaved pussy, makeup, lingerie, etc. - but I'm not the "high maintenance" type overall
• I'm allergic to reality TV
• I will WORSHIP the man who builds me a darkroom for my black and white photography equipment
• I never have enough bookshelves for my books - and I'm always bringing home more
• I'm a better baker than a cook
• I love to knead bread by hand - I used to use my stand mixer for that but as I get older, I enjoy the process as much as the end result
• I like to learn new things - I'm currently taking singing lessons
• I purposely bought a stick shift car because it's fun to drive
• I love to be silly - I wrote a poem poking a bit of fun at myself as a silly slave resume - see former writing

I boiled all this down to me in a nutshell outside of work: Bookworm, curious, LIVES for hiking, loves feeling sexy. NOT driven by acquisition of stuff, loves road trips, likes to do old fashioned things like hang out laundry and knead bread by hand. Amateur photographer. Likes to keep a comfortable, peaceful, and uncluttered home. Slave who NEEDS to obey and serve. Silly girl who loves to laugh. Peaceful inside. Lover of a simpler life.

This is the woman I am and the person I bring to the slave role. Hopefully, someday when I'm looking, I'll find someone compatible with all that. We all have our own weirdness, just have to find someone else whose weirdness fits with ours. I'm not better or worse than any other woman or slave, I'm just me.

I love finding my way.  It really is a process.

Thinking sweet slave thoughts today . . . one more week until I see E again! How will it feel to call him Master after he snaps the collar around my neck? I started calling him Sir in our texts and phone calls just this week, after 3 months together. It was a defining moment for me, everything suddenly felt more "real."

What wonderful submissive feelings are in store for me I wonder? What delicious sexy fun will he use me for? What lovely pain and pleasure is in store?

We've discussed a lot of things that all sound attractive to me. I don't need an itinerary, I know him well enough to know that what he wants is what I want. I will relax, obey, and trust him to guide me.

Feeling my strength deep down in my need to serve him. Looking forward to being valued for my femininity and my ability to please. I love being "just a girl" when I'm with him.

I will go where he leads, and enjoy being his slave in real life for the weekend. I'm always his slave, but IRL is just MORE and is very much needed.

I've seen some slave resumes out there and thought I'd have a little fun.  Hope you all enjoy it!

Slave

I'd like to be your slave perchance
Said Ozark with a sideways glance.
I'll make your tea while wearing pumps,
And nothing else and then I'll jump,
 
Into your bed where I can show,
My skills at sex proceed to grow.
My deep throat skill is getting strong,
I shove it down there off and on.
 
The dirty talk, well what do I say?
Yes, please, more! Lol okay,
I'll say it too if you insist,
But I'm not so sure about your fist!
 
I don't yet know high protocol,
But training fixes most shortfalls.
I've sampled Gor and like the thought,
Of being treated like I'm bought.
 
I love to kneel, it feels so good,
And if you want I'll wear a hood.
You flog and spank and clamp and poke,
But I hope that I will love your jokes.
 
I went to school, I'm not a snob,
And I do plan to keep my job,
But I'll let you lead and let you rule,
I'll be your slut and your footstool.
 
My legs are strong, my boobs are real,
I hope to hear just how you feel.
I'll wash your clothes, I pinky swear,
And shave off all my pussy hair.
 
I'll skip the clothes and can the sass,
In hopes that you will fuck my ass.
I love to cuddle and kiss and stuff,
But also like when you get rough.
 
I'll wear your collar and your leash,
but don't expect me to make quiche.
I'll wash the pots and dust your whips,
But I don't run the tightest ship.
 
In closing here I'd like to say,
If you're a Daddy there's no way.
I'm not a babygirl or brat,
Cause being a slave is where it's at.

Last night E messaged me to let me know he was on his way home.  He lets me know this so that I know he'll be free to text and/or chat in a short while.  I texted back "Just spent half an hour in the shower trying to shave my cunt without accidentally amputating a goddamn labia!" I added lol to make sure he knew I wasn't actually grumpy, but he knew I was going for the laugh on that one.  I LOVE to make him laugh, it's part of my interactions with him every day, and he makes me laugh as well.  Humor is definitely an important part of our relationship.

Before I started this relationship with E, I had shaved my pussy a total of 1 time back when I was like 22.  Then after E and I had our first play session, he said one day - the 70's called and they want their bush back.  OMG I about died, both laughing my ass off and kind of embarrassed. So I started shaving it, and I have to say I love it.  I love how smooth and soft it feels when I play with his pussy.  And I love how much easier it is to pee in the forest while I'm hiking too - gotta consider the practical as well lol.

E and I have grown even closer over the last week.  In my last couple of posts I talked about how I've grown into my slave identity and how I love being owned by him, and also how I've brought E closer by making sure he knows about all my online activity, not just here. 

He is training and mentoring me, and knows that eventually I will move on, but for now we are together.  My submission to him deepens every day, and his mastery of me grows as well. 

I'll share here some of the reasons why I feel that he truly deserves the title that I have given him.

E helps me in so many ways, and I appreciate all of them.  He knows I'm working hard to build my duck pen before I go to Florida in a few weeks, but when I said I needed to hike last night, he agreed.  He said that the hiking makes me happy, and though I'm losing weight doing the physical labor that needs to be done, the hiking and trail running really keep the weight loss going. 

He know that the happy factor and the weight loss are both VERY important to me. He also reminds me when I get impatient that it's a marathon, not a sprint.  It took me a while to gain the weight, it will take a while to lose it.  He shows me all the time how he wants me to be the best person I can be for myself, not for him or anyone else.  Lol he gets the benefit of my increased stamina and improving appearance but I'm doing it for me.

Over the last week we've had important, reasoned conversations about how I should handle communication with other Doms, how he would expect me to communicate with him if and when I decide to move on, and other things.  For instance, we had a convo about feminism when I asked about it and why that's mentioned as a negative in so many Dom profiles.  He walked me through his POV, I expressed mine, and we largely agree.

Not to get anyone stirred up but I'm not feeling like a feminist these days. I've worked for many years to do both the physical labor and the domestic chores while married to a lazy slug who didn't have a job or do much of anything else at home, and now I'm doing it all while on my own, so if I had the incredible LUXURY of only having to do the domestic chores on top of my full-time job, it would really be wonderful.  I would probably cry a little. This girl is TIRED down to her bones some days.

In all of our conversations E has been reasonable, kind, respectful of my points of view, and he answers my questions in a way that is easy to understand. He has shown himself over and over again to be a wonderful Dom, friend, and mentor. 

I also love that he is training me to be a good slave.  Last night he gave me instructions for bringing myself to an orgasm, including what to visualize for inspiration, in this case kneeling for him as he flogs me.  In this case he's helping me deepen the connection between orgasms and pain and submission - I already get turned on by flogging and by kneeling for him but training is good reinforcement.

E has NEVER demanded that I call him Sir, or Master, or Daddy, or anything but his name. Early on he helped me try on different sub roles, and use different titles for him to see how they felt.  He cautioned me though not to decide on a title too soon, because then he would expect me to USE it in every interaction.  And he wanted me to feel more certain about my identity, which of course took a while to figure out.  He also wanted me to truly feel that he DESERVED the title that I chose for him.

At last here we are.  Lol it's only been 3 months so at last is pushing it, but I feel like it's been much longer than that.  Over the last several days I've been sprinkling "Master" into our text conversations, and last night E called me on it.  He asked me if I felt that he had earned that title.  Since we were texting at that point, I asked him to call so we could talk. 

We talked, and I said that I really feel the Master title as I am happy to be his slave and I feel that he has earned that title.  He pointed out that Sir is a lot easier to use in texting, and that he will expect me to use his title in every text.  He said that if I feel that Master is appropriate, I could use that when we are together and I have my collar on.  Then use sir for text and phone conversations.  I said, "Okay, I'll sleep on that Sir."

I tried really hard to go back to sleep this morning when I woke up too early, but instead I thought about our relationship and his title and started writing this in my head. 

I messaged him a while ago to say "good morning Sir," and let him know that I thought that Sir was good for text and phone, but that when I am with him and my collar is in place, I really do want to call him Master.  I said again that I completely feel that he has earned the titles. 

E then asked me if I agreed that I would use Sir in every single text message from here on out, and that if I did not, I would present myself and bend over for whatever punishment he deemed appropriate.  I took a deep breath, and texted him my agreement.  I immediately got that shivery feeling in the pit of my stomach that I love, that deeply submissive feeling. 

He reminded me that a punishment spanking would NOT make me giggle, it would be a punishment and the mindset is completely different.  I said yes, I understand - and that curious kitten will likely find out about that at some point lol. Curious kitten is our running joke with the punishment spankings.  I have to say that I like that he is requiring me to use his title, after all I'm the one who put it out there and said that he has earned it.

I think it's the slave part of me that loves the rules and structure and understands the need to punish me if I don't follow the rules.  I need to obey and I need to please him.  Is it weird that if I do mess up, I want him to punish me even though I know I won't enjoy it?? It's more of a "rightness" thing I guess.

I have my responsibilities in the relationship but he has his as well.

I feel safe.  I feel cared for.  I feel seen and heard.  I feel supported. I understand what is expected of me. E is fulfilling his responsibilities as my Master, and I am happy.

It's a good thing he then gave me a few days grace to get used to using his title - I've messed up on a few messages already lol.  Going to take a bit of getting used to but my Master is worth it.  WE are worth it. 

Have a lovely Tuesday people.  I sure am.

I wrote a post earlier this week on what happened when I told E that I had been on Fetlife and had been "bantering" as I called it with another Dom in the comments on some writings. He wasn't upset, and said that I had handled things appropriately, as I said in my prior post.  He also said that if I wanted to chat with another Dom and slowly vet them over time if I became interested, that was ok.  However, no other Dom could give me orders or anything like that until he and I discussed things and I expressed my interest in the other Dom.  I was really glad he put rules around my behavior, and that he could now keep track of what I was doing in the public forum on Fetlife as well as here on The Cage. 

In talking about it later that evening, we talked about where we stand with each other.  I said that I'm very happy right now with our relationship, and I'm not looking for anything with someone else. E said he loves owning and possessing me, and that it's been a pleasure guiding me because I'm so open to him and to learning about submission and being a slave. 

He never pushed me towards the slave identity of course, but he could see it developing as I grew into my submission.  He went back and read through my blog posts yesterday and pointed out even more signs of my blossoming slave identity.  I told him that I love how he cares for me, and how he is so interested in my thoughts and my progress.

E doesn't want to give me up yet, and he knows that right now I don't want anything serious as I'm exploring and enjoying life after my last relationship ended.  We are very well-matched and we are enjoying our relationship.

BUT he also said that at some point I will be ready for a new Master.  E said that while he knew that I stated that I was with someone in my profiles on both sites, he asked me to update my profiles on here and on Fet.  He asked me to add at the top that I am currently owned, but that I'm able to communicate with another Dom if one should show interest and communicate with respect for my current relationship.  If I reciprocated that interest, I would need to vet them for a while and really try to get to know them before discussing a possible first meeting with E.  Expectations for vetting time will be set the next time that E and I meet in a couple of weeks.

He wanted me to make the rules for contact more explicit, and said that anyone who truly understood what my instructions meant was more likely to be an individual of quality who was willing to take the time to get to know me properly.  He also said it would help weed out the asshats lol. 

I updated both of my profiles in the last couple of days, and I tweaked them a bit more this evening. I changed things up a bit and made sure to include the qualities that I would like in a potential Master.  I included the parts that E asked me to include, along with my preferences for a potential new relationship: IRL, not too far away or can travel to me, potential for a long term relationship.  I also included that I posted this with my owner's full permission, and would share any communication received with E as he is my owner.

I added more about how I feel about being a slave, and emphasized that I'm not broken and I haven't chosen the slave role out of weakness.  In discussing this with E last night, I said that I have to be really strong to be a slave.  Strong mentally, and strong emotionally.  I have done the work, believe me, to be both of those things. 

While this year's challenges were harsh, they only dented me.  I have an advantage - I have had to rebuild my life several times over the years.  I worked dirty, manual labor jobs until my mid-thirties and was used to life on the edge of disaster until I went back to school and got a couple of degrees. I've had other emotional challenges prior to this year and once healed, I've gotten stronger each time.  My emotional base was strong enough by this year's challenges that I was able to move through the hits fairly quickly, and I had the help of a therapist as well.

I feel like my emotional strength has been the key to being able to find my slave identity.  I say find because it was there inside me, I just didn't know it.  I didn't choose it. I FELT it in the pit of my stomach, in my NEED to obey him regardless of whether or not we were physically together.  I feel it in my need to kneel and to please him without care for my own pleasure. I feel it in my inability to hide my thoughts and feelings from him, as I am his open book. I feel it in how natural it feels to be (happily) nude in his presence but for a collar and cuffs.  I feel it in the knowledge that I'm very sexually open and have few limits.  

I felt my slave identity when I knew that I had to tell him that I was speaking with another Dom, however innocently.  I feel it now in the feeling of safety that I get from knowing that he can see my activity, and that he cares enough to want me to make clear that I'm owned in my profiles. I feel it in my wholehearted acceptance of his need to help me make sure that when I do move on, it's with someone worthwhile. 

This is certainly a beautiful development.

Sooo, to paraphrase what I saw on a woman's profile on Fetlife the other day: I'm smart AND beautiful, a rare combination - here's my Amazon wishlist, if you want me show me you're worth it.

Excuse my naivete but I can't believe this is really a thing!!

I've only been on these sites for a few months and I hadn't seen this yet. Where were the people in her life who should have reigned that shit in and told her she's hot but she's not the freaking Queen? Conceited AND materialistic, wow! I'm just stunned, I couldn't stop laughing when I read it. No, I didn't check out her wishlist.

A few months ago I got out of a relationship with a guy who had to go buy something whenever he needed "a happy." Which was all the time, to the point where we had boxes full of "we might need this someday" and Fingerhut rejects from Goodwill stacked in the corners of all the rooms because the basement and garage were full. I'm purging but I still have a ways to go.

Maybe I'm doing this wrong? I should update my profile:

Middle aged slave, reasonably cute, slightly dented from life lived. Has master's degree, actually likes men. Loves to bake, also skilled at ordering takeout. Enjoys being flogged and giving blowjobs.

Happy to be your sweet and obedient girl if you'll call up the nice folks over at Waste Connections and have them send a dumpster. They know where I live.

E and I have been together for a few months now.  He's been my mentor, my Dom with benefits, and has become a very good friend.  I really enjoy texting with him every day and sharing my life with him, as well as hearing about his life.  We send dog pics back and forth as we both love our fur babies. I love submitting to him and can't wait to visit him again. He has helped me learn so much about submission and has helped me adjust as I've gravitated toward the slave identity which seems to naturally fit me.

I've talked in a previous post about how I don't hide my thoughts any more like I did in my last relationship. I've become very transparent.  When I'm with him or we're on FaceTime he can see the thoughts crossing my face and then will ask me what I'm thinking.  Of course I tell him.  That's one of the important things about a journey like this, you can't hide stuff from your Dom.  I mean you can, but then you won't get what you need from the relationship - how can he help you discover the peace and joy of being submissive if you don't share what you're feeling so that he knows what to do next?

E has known all along that I still do a lot of reading and research and that this is not the only site that I'm on.  I've also been on Fetlife about as long as I've been on here, but wow there are soooo many people on there - like 10 million!  So I've lurked in the corners there mostly, just one small middle-aged slave paddling my canoe around in a sea of craziness.  I've looked up local events as I live close to a decent sized city.  I haven't been to a munch yet,  though I've thought about it as it would be nice to make some local sub friends that I could talk to. 

I've posted my writings from here on Fetlife as well.  I normally get a few likes and a couple of comments, which is nice but it's still just me, lurking.  In the last week I've been reading some writings by a Dom on that site. I don't agree with everything he says but he has an interesting point of view, and he writes well. I've commented on a few of his writings, as well as some others that he has commented on. Over the last few days he has read and commented on some of my writings, and we have bantered in comments on several writings.  

I started to feel uncomfortable about this.  I thought about it today and thought, I feel like I'm hiding something from E. I wasn't hitting on anyone or even messaging anyone directly, but I felt kind of icky about bantering with this Dom, even innocently, without E's knowledge.  

So I emailed E this morning and told him all about it. He laughed a bit and admitted that he had looked for me on Fetlife when we first started talking, but he didn't find me. My user name is just a bit different but enough apparently that he couldn't find me.  

He laughed at the funny post that I wrote there yesterday (haven't posted it here yet) and enjoyed the comments that went with it.  E said that since we are what we are, there's a bit of a gray area.  He said that I approached conversations with other Doms appropriately (as I said I wasn't hitting on anyone, and I often made mention of my Dom mentor) and that my profile clearly states that I'm with someone at this time. He also said that if I wanted to chat with another Dom and perhaps slowly vet them IF I was interested that way, that is ok.  However I could not allow another Dom to give me orders or instructions unless I first had a conversation with E to let him know that I found someone that I was interested in and wanted to explore that.

I was so relieved by this that it was almost comical - I knew I hadn't done anything WRONG but I didn't feel RIGHT about him not knowing about a few simple conversations. In telling E what was going on, we were able to put some rules around my behavior that were really helpful.  Being open about my conversations and knowing that E can see my activity makes me feel better.  

At this point, I'm very happy with E. We've grown close and I'm still exploring, and I have so much more to learn! He agrees that we have a really good thing and he is enjoying it too.  So for now, I will banter carefully where I will, and enjoy that without guilt or intentions of anything more. 

As I explore submission with E I read through profiles here and on other sites - lots and lots of profiles. I see some Dom profiles demanding submission, while others view it as a precious gift, "I will earn your submission my darling, please pick me, etc. blah blah blah." Sub profiles as well often characterize their submission as this precious thing that has to be earned.  If that's you, I'm not trying to piss you off, it's just not the way I personally work. 

I try sometimes to describe myself in both BDSM and vanilla terms as though I was in the market for a potential relationship, just to see what I come up with. 

• I'm 53 (good for some, too old for others)
• I'm independent (again good for some, and I'll stick with those who appreciate that)
• Submissive, with the potential to be a slave given time and the right relationship (this is an important point of compatibility as slave may be my comfort zone and it's a lot of responsibility for a Dominant)
• I enjoy service but don't want to be responsible for all household chores on top of my full time job that I enjoy (seriously, if you've got me on the floor on all fours I'm hoping your cock or a flogger is involved and not a scrub brush, cause June Cleaver I ain't)
• I like pain to a point but not severe pain 
• I'm cute enough, but not too crazy (lol not doing the hot/crazy matrix here, just saying I'm reasonably attractive and not too neurotic)
• My build is still chubby but shrinking steadily due to exercise and hard work
• Relocation would be difficult due to home and pets but not impossible if I wanted it badly enough

So what would I look for?

I don't like demands, but I'm not fucking precious. I mean, I love myself and I feel like I'm worth getting to know. Submission is something that I hold, this is true.  I have the power to give it to someone, and also take it back if I need to.

But in my mind the person that I give it to is equally worthy. A real person like me, with thoughts and feelings and needs and wants and kinks - all of which should be complementary with mine to a certain extent if we're gonna do this relationship thing.  It's a power exchange, an unequal relationship between (hopefully) equals, and both parties have responsibilities in the relationship.  I'm not interested in holding my submission over his head and telling him to earn it.  I'm interested in getting to know the person beyond the profile.

His wallet doesn't enter into my equations beyond the fact that he can take care of himself - I need character. Sure I want someone that I'm physically attracted to, but that covers a pretty wide range. I want someone who can deal with his life, have a passion for something, and in doing those things be a whole person who is happy. HAPPY is something that you do, you can't buy it at the store no matter what my ex-husband insisted. 

Keep your demands, your pedestals and your cash. I'd rather sit cross-legged on the garage floor keeping you company while you work on a car, or argue with you about which Star Wars movie was the best (spoiler - the original trilogy of course - ok that's 3 movies but whatever.) Oh and of course I'll sit at your feet and do slavey type things too - all part of the deal ;)