A Purposeful Journey

I'm in a really good mood today, it's Friday! I'm feeling sassy and sexy, 2 things I would not have felt 6 months ago. It's like crawling out of a cocoon into the light.  I'm not a gorgeous butterfly, but I am feeling like a fairly cute, reasonably fit, competent human being of the girl variety lol. 

I’m really loving how submission is helping my efforts to improve myself.  I sent E a pic a couple weeks ago and he was like hey, you should compare that to the first pic you ever sent me and you can see how much thinner your face looks - and how you look so much happier!  He knows that I'm really working hard exercising and watching my food intake in an effort to lose weight. 

I compared, and it was true! Now let me be clear, my drive for self-improvement is for me, and it started before I joined this site and met E.  But having him as my cheerleader is so wonderfully helpful.  He’s also the voice of reason when I get stuck on something.  

In submitting to E, I feel like I have more instead of less.  I have unloaded my worries and I LET him help me.  I tell him my uncertainties as well as my victories, and he encourages me, but without bullshit - he's honest.  Sometimes I need to vent, and figure out how to handle something - I don’t like to bring up a problem without being open to a possible solution, if I don’t have one in mind myself. 

I tell him when I’ve had a rough day and just need him to, well, know what I need.  And he does.  So I get to focus on the things I need to focus on. As I feel better and better about how I feel and look, my confidence has grown as well, cascading across all the areas of my life. Even though we’re separated by distance most of the time, I still feel like I can lean on him.  E is a really good Dom. 

I’m really lucky to have found someone compatible, who wants to help me explore, and who is ok with being friends with benefits.  Just being divorced for a few months, I don’t want to get into a serious romantic relationship. There's so much to learn and so much fun to have!  But we are close - we message every day, take an interest in each other’s lives, and I can count on him.  E really wants me to be the best person I can be, and wants me to find my way in this world and develop into the person (slave 😉 ) I am meant to be.

Being the best person I can be, for me, means being healthy.  I will never fat shame anyone as one of my sisters has done it to me too many times.  But for me, it was time to lose the weight.  Having the breast pre-cancer diagnosis and going through treatment was a wakeup call.  I don’t have any genetic tendency for cancer, but obesity is a risk factor.  AND per my surgeon, exercise is statistically shown to help prevent the recurrence of cancer.  

So the hiking that I started around the time of my diagnosis has become a passion - I love the peace I find in the forest, and the physical conditioning is amazing too. When I started I struggled to hike 3 miles. Now I can hike 8 miles easily and can’t wait till the weather cools off - I want to camp out and do a 9.5 mile trail at a state park near the town I grew up in. E applauds my passion and he’s impressed with how much endurance I’ve built.  I’m working on running the hilly 3 mile trail nearby and I update him each time I go on how much of it I ran, how many hill drills I did at the top, etc. 

E doesn’t dictate what sort of improvements I do or what girly things I explore.  Sure, he has suggestions sometimes - he mentioned a corset for instance back when we were first talking.  I recently bought one online, because as I felt more and more feminine, the more the idea of wearing one intrigued me.  I have to say I like it, it feels very sexy.  But if it didn’t intrigue me, if I wasn't willing to try it, I wouldn’t have bought it. He wants me to find pleasure in the things that I do, such as painting my toenails pink, when I didn’t paint them at all for a few years, or buying a pretty top, when I used to wear drab colors all the time.

My self-improvement isn’t about trying to be someone else’s idea of perfect.  I’m trying to be my own idea of better.  I take pleasure in so many little things now, putting on makeup and jewelry when I leave the house, wearing a bra that doesn’t flatten my boobs (lol or just skip the bra with the right top.) 

I laughed with E last weekend about how I decided to put makeup on before I drove a load of junk up to Goodwill to drop it off, thinking hey there just might be someone cute there to flirt with - and there was!  A guy about my age was dropping off junk as well.  I’m learning how to flirt, I was never good at that.  We bantered a bit and it was fun.  

Building on that, I ran an experiment.  I put up a dating profile on a free vanilla dating site.  Ok,, free sites are not the best.  But this was just an experiment.  I posted my recent selfie along with a simple profile that hinted at D/s, but also came right out at the bottom and said “D/s friendly.” I kept the profile up for about 36 hours, and I received more than 60 emails.  Sure most of them were just the “Hi beautiful love your smile” that they send to every new woman that pops up, but there were a handful that actually read my profile, even a couple that mentioned the D/s. It was nice just to feel like I’m attractive again after feeling frumpy for so long. And with a couple of them being D/s aware, that might open up more local possibilities at the point where I am ready for that romantic relationship.  Can’t hurt to have options, right? 

Even regaining the ability to cry was an emotional improvement. Since I was able to visit E a couple of weeks ago I’ve gotten back in touch with my tears.  Mmmm, kneeling for him in submission was really powerful for me, and he gave me what he knew I needed - enough pain to get me to really let go and let things out.  

Since then the tears have been close to the surface a couple of times - I didn’t really need to cry but it’s nice to know that I can now. Lol I may cry some tears of frustration as I work on projects around here, it’s hard as hell playing catch up on a place this size.  Last night I stepped in a hole, lost my shoe, and planted the other foot right in a sticker bush. Many 4 letter words were said. But stress tears can be a good release, so I’m glad I can do that if I need to.

Let’s see, what else?  Oh, E gave me a couple of hypnotic commands that help me get back to sleep when I wake up at 4 am and stress about work - I want them to work, and they do, so using them is helping me build a new habit.  Again, I told him about the problem and he helped me with a solution.

Submitting to E has helped me in so many ways and I love what this journey is doing for me. Even after we've both moved on at some point in the future, the benefits of this relationship will stay with me. 

I hope that others who are working on themselves are doing it FOR themselves.  It’s great to have help and encouragement, but you have to do what YOU want to do.  Having a strong sense of self is really important. Changing yourself for someone else is something to be done very carefully. 

If I was in a serious relationship, would I make changes to myself that my Dom liked?  That would depend on the change.  I wouldn’t do certain things, but others I would consider.  For instance, I just spent the entire pandemic growing out my hair.  I dyed my hair for 20 years and I’m not interested in doing that again.  My hair is pretty and I get compliments on it.  I have white locks in the front, the rest is darker but greying.  I should have just embraced my X-men Rogue look years ago but didn’t.  But would I change the length or style for someone?  Sure. Probably wouldn't shave my head though.

Would I get a tattoo or piercings for a Dom?  Yeah I probably would.  Would I let him control my food?  Nope, that’s not good for me.  A boob job?  Probably not.  Wear a corset or something super sexy or bondage-y under my office wear?  Sure, why not?

I love the variety of humanity. We are all different and have likes and dislikes and things that we feel strongly about. The trick is to find someone whose likes and dislikes mostly match up with yours, along with mostly matching kinks, and then negotiate where the limits are both for kinks and for your body. 

As someone who identifies as a slave, I would really have to take my time and get to know someone really really well before I did anything like give up my limits in favor of his.  I don’t have a ton of limits, but I wouldn’t be comfortable, for instance, with someone who is super into needles.  

And as far as limits on modifying my body, I wouldn’t be comfortable with a guy who wanted me to get a boob job or had a burning need to control my food intake. But a guy who wanted me to pierce my clit and wear a corset to work?  Hmmm, I might go for that. Or fuck yeah, I should say ;)

I’ve been thinking more in the last few days about last weekend. I shared much of what happened over the weekend but I wanted to share more about how it made me feel.  We had a lot of fun but one of the things I really wanted from the weekend was to very deeply feel my submission in E’s presence.  

I’ve been rereading some of my other posts that talk about submission, especially the mental aspect of it.  While the sexy stuff, the flogging, and the other physical trappings of submission are fun as well as helpful in deepening my submission, the need to submit had to be there already - and for me it definitely was.

My bond with E has grown stronger over time since we first began chatting over email on the site.  Our bond as friends and as Dom and sub has deepened because we have interacted with openness and honesty on both sides.  Submission does not happen in half-measures.  While it can happen slowly, or quickly, depending on how quickly you open up and share with the Dom of your choosing, it cannot truly happen without sharing the deepest parts of yourself, and that’s not an easy thing.

I’ve read many Dom profiles that talk about submission as though it is somewhat one-sided - either it’s a gift offered by a submissive, hopefully obtained, or it’s something demanded, something that must be offered to a Dom in order to “earn” the position as his submissive.  Kneeling as well seems to be often expected, or only hopefully inspired without detailing WHY a submissive should be inspired to do so.  

For me, my submission is offered only to a Dominant that I respect, who respects me as well. We both have a clear idea of what the other has to offer.  Though I have the power, I offer it to him as an exchange, believing that we are BOTH worthy of this. In return I get his guidance, his caring, his leadership - his Dominance. In E I have found this mutual respect.  He has guided me in this journey and encourages me at every turn to share openly, to be honest about my needs and my feelings, and also to be the best person I can be.  

Since prior to this past weekend we had only had the one very short visit, I have been feeling a deep need to physically show my submission to E for a while without any way to do so.  Though we’ve had many conversations by text and over the phone, and on Face Time, it’s not the same. Especially since the time I received a correction, I’ve been feeling an almost uncontrollable urge to kneel at E’s feet. I instinctually figured out what I had done wrong at the same time that he told me, and I sank into my submission in my acceptance of him correcting me.  While I’ve mostly experienced submission long distance, I really wanted to show him in real life how I felt. 

I really wanted to kneel for him, to show him the true respect that I feel for him and to offer myself to him.  In assuming that position, I wanted to show that it is more than just showing that I know how to do it.  It’s a symbolic offering, and a state of BEING more than the simple physical act. 

My particular flavor of submission is more slave than submissive, I’ve learned.  Maybe this has deepened my need to kneel for E, but in any case, the need has been there for a while.  It’s a delicious, shivery need, deep inside me, a need that I can feel in the pit of my stomach when I think about it.  Occasionally I assume a position and send him a picture of me doing it - for instance one day last week I sent him a pic of me in the corset I bought online (part of my exploration of “girl stuff” that I’ve lost touch with in recent years) in the wall pose, with the bruises on my bum from him flogging me clearly visible. I also sent him one of me kneeling, presenting myself so he could see it from the front.  I enjoy doing this, but the feeling isn’t nearly as strong as it was when I was finally able to kneel for him in person.

We started the weekend off easy - lol at least that’s the way I think of it.  I knelt in the chair and he started off with a bit of spanking and cuffs on my ankles and wrists, along with the posture collar.  This again was the fun stuff - the trappings shall we say - and we moved into the sexy stuff from there.  I didn’t really get the chance to kneel for him until Sunday.  

I wanted to surprise E and kneel at a point where he did not expect it.  I NEEDED to kneel for him, to formally offer myself to him.  But what happens after I kneel?  WHATEVER he wants.  I wanted to offer myself to him with no expectations, with no wants or needs, to just offer myself, as I am, and let him decide what came next.  He could touch me, play with me, have his wicked way with me - or he could do nothing at all.  E could leave me there while he did his thing, accepting my submission by just allowing me to be present in that moment, allowing me to show my submission by just being quietly there.  Not that he would ignore me - he would not do that, he would acknowledge my submission in some way. 

My chance came after breakfast, when E asked me if I’d rather try the Sybian next or play with some impact toys.  I chose, and while he went to the kitchen, I quietly went out to the living room, put my cushion down on the floor, and assumed the presentation position with my eyes down and head slightly bowed.  I wasn’t nervous, because I NEEDED to do this and had been thinking about it for weeks.  Time seemed to stop for me then.  My head cleared, and I felt nothing but an overwhelming need to please him.  It felt so good, so incredibly right to truly let go of all my thoughts, all my expectations, and just be in that moment, just be a slave waiting for her Master to arrive. 

E wasn’t expecting to see me kneeling when he walked through the living room but he definitely enjoyed it.  He touched my hair and ran a hand down my body, saying “What a pleasant surprise.” It felt so good, kneeling while he walked around me, enjoying what I presented to him.

What happened next?  E decided to go get a flogger, and things progressed from there.  I stayed in my kneeling position, then as we played he put me in other positions.  The humble position was VERY exposing and made me shiver, I loved how it pleased him that the position exposed my pussy to the flogger he was using. I did my very best not to shy away, but when I did and he called me on it, I quickly moved back into position so we could continue.  

Of course he was mindful of my limits - I did not safeword as the pain was also a turn-on for the most part, but he checked in with me several times to make sure.  I LOVE when he whispers encouragement in my ear and tells me what a good girl I am, taking this pain for him.  It makes me feel so submissive to suffer for him even when he’s flogging my pussy or my breasts - and that makes me feel so VERY female, and powerful in my submission to offer him all those parts of me for his enjoyment of my pain.

E flogged me for a while, progressing through his collection until he reached the one that made me cry - as I’ve said previously, he was very careful with this one because it had little metal skulls on the ends of the strands, but he made it sting because he knew that I desperately needed to cry. 

Again, E did not HAVE to do any of this.  We could have gone in any direction as long as he chose it.  I had offered myself in good faith to do whatever he chose to do with me. But he not only did what HE enjoyed, he gave me what I needed as well, which I am thankful for.  1 - I needed to submit to him, and have him accept my submission.  And 2 - I needed to cry, and he got me there. 

After I was all cried out, E moved up to sit on the couch so that I could sit at his feet and rest my head on his thigh.  I wanted to do this after my correction and it felt just as wonderful as I expected it to.  Head still clear, without thoughts, just enjoying being at my Master’s feet while he stroked my hair and let me settle.  Then as I settled, he took what he wanted again.  He grabbed my hair and pulled my head back, and proceeded to show me what it felt like to have someone tease my ear, and the spot where my neck meets my shoulder. He loves my helpless lust and loves the look on my face when he shows me something I’ve never felt before. I’m fortunate in that while he does restrict me sometimes, or edge me, or make me edge myself, he does love giving me orgasms.  

But again, getting orgasms was NOT my focus in kneeling for E.  I wanted to show him my respect, and in slave fashion kneel and offer myself to him without expectations, instructions, or demands.  I am a strong, intelligent, professional woman, a leader in my job.  And yet, the slave space feels like a natural counterpoint to all that, the space where I can let go and be my true self.  It takes strength to submit - it sounds silly but I don’t submit because I’m lost, or because I don’t love myself, or because I just want to be used, or any other reason that involves me being less than a whole, functional person.  I know who I am, and I am happy.  I am not lost, and I do love myself.  I submit because I choose to, with my eyes wide open. 

I said it feels powerful, but I say that without pride - I am not better or worse than any other submissive in any other role, I’m just me, and I love being me. I feel humble instead, and very glad that with E’s help, I’ve found this part of myself where I can act in accordance with my true nature and be the person I have always needed to be. 

Good evening friends.  I’m sitting here this evening watching the 3rd installment of the Hobbit movies, the Battle of the Five Armies while I write this post.  I do love all the Tolkien movies, almost as much as the books.  It’s been a rough week, work ate up my life and I experienced sub drop for the first time on Tuesday & Wednesday, coming down from the weekend.  I got back home late Sunday evening and was still quite high on Monday - I even managed to run 3 miles after work that evening. I wanted to write this to say how the weekend actually turned out compared to my fantasy of how the weekend might go, which I wrote in part 1.  While we didn't have time for everything that we had planned and reality is rarely like fantasy, it was still pretty close, and close enough for me.  I loved being a slave for 24 hours while I was with E.  He made me feel so good, and I feel more comfortable now with the whole slave idea lol. 

I arrived at E’s house late last Saturday afternoon, after a 4 hour drive. Along the way I texted him every 30 minutes as directed, and let him know if I stopped to get a drink or use the restroom.  Lol I told him that a few men had definitely checked me out, clad as I was only in my peasant dress, fully made up, and walking with a definite sway to my hips as I was feeling pretty damn sexy on my way to him. He enjoyed hearing that, both because I’m gaining confidence in myself as a sexual being, and because he liked the idea of showing off his property a bit.

I was nervous and chattered a bit as he helped me bring my things into his house.  I fluttered a bit inside and drank a hard lemonade to calm my nerves - not drunk at all, no worry there, just a bit of relaxation.  After I calmed a bit he gently directed me to kneel on the chair he had placed in the center of his living room.  He buckled leather cuffs with rings attached around my wrists and ankles, and then buckled a type of collar around my neck that I hadn’t experienced before  It’s called a posture collar, he said, and what he liked about it is that it would force my chin up, but when I was restricted from eye contact I would have to keep my eyes down.

E then lifted my dress over my head to remove it, leaving me naked since I wasn’t wearing any panties or bra. That caused a shiver as I knew that I would love the feeling of being unclothed while he was clothed, and I did. After that he applied nipple clamps, and pushed me forward over the back of the chair so that he could spank me.  He spanked me for a little while and I squealed and giggled, of course. I was very turned on by it and he allowed me to have an orgasm, at which time he took off the nipple clamps - the combination of the pain with the orgasm was lovely and made me cum all the harder.

After that E took off the posture collar and led me off to the bedroom for a few hours while he played with my body, moving me around on the bed as he pleased.  Like a good slave who trusts her Master (or Dom with benefits lol) I let him. Mmmm, I loved pleasing him with my mouth, taking him as deep as I could.  He reacquainted his big fingers with my g-spot, to my deep gratitude.  I can also happily confirm that I no longer have any PTSD regarding receiving oral, E made certain of that.  He kept eye contact with me when he moved his mouth to my pussy (his pussy), and all he saw was helpless pleasure while I took what he gave me.  E also found some strange ticklish spots as he explored my body with his hands - who knew that my shins and shoulder blades were ticklish? 

Many orgasms later, we cuddled on the bed.  I love cuddling so much, I’ve had such a cuddle deficit for a long time so it was so wonderful to snuggle against him while he ran his hands over me in a comforting way. I was a bit shy about touching him but quickly learned that he enjoyed the contact as well so we continued to lie there, cuddling and stroking each other’s skin.

We took a break after that to order some pizza and watch a bit of tv in his office.  I was still unclothed but soon put my dress on for a while with his permission as I was cold.  After a while we decided to go to bed, and E realized that he had not put the silver collar around my neck when he had removed the posture collar. He grabbed it and locked it into place.  It was cold and I shivered, but mostly because I liked the way it felt. He then took a length of rope and tied my ankle cuffs together using the handy rings, then tied the end of the rope into a loop.  Back in his room, I had to use the small footstool next to the high bed to get up into it with my feet bound. E took the rope loop and threw it over the bedpost.  The point wasn’t to truly make me unable to go anywhere - it was to make me think, to make me FEEL owned if I woke during the night with the rope keeping my feet bound to the bed.  It made me feel safe and cared for to be honest. 

I started to make myself comfy for sleep but E chuckled a bit, rolled me back over towards him and said “You think I’m done with you?” Lol he was NOT done with me.  E spent the next couple of hours making me cum over and over, twisting and pinching my nipples while I whimpered and begged, hurting and sore but so aroused by his attention, and wanting so badly to please him. I kept cumming because he wanted it.  Another round of cuddles ensued and he stroked my hair as he said quietly, “It’s ok if you’re a slave, you still have the power.  You can give it to someone, but you can also take it back if you need to.” He knows that I’ve been unsure of what it means to be a slave.  Not unsure as in I don’t know what it is, but unsure of how I feel about being a slave.  As I’ve written in a previous post, it feels so natural to need to obey, to need to please him without thought for my own pleasure, but also strange since I’m new to this world.  Surely it would be easier to be anything else that isn’t so damn deep in feeling, so damn deep in being?

We slept till morning till E had to get up and take care of the dogs (he has 3, just as I do.) We slept a few more hours before waking up and sitting in the office for a bit. I took a shower and had a little something to eat, and he asked me if I wanted to play with the impact toys or try the Sybian first.  I said hmmm, tough choice lol. I chose the Sybian.  Then when he got up and went to the kitchen, I quietly ducked into the living room and grabbed the cushion that I had brought with me and put it on the floor (as I’ve mentioned before, I need the cushion while kneeling due to old foot and ankle injuries. When E came out of the kitchen, he found me there on the cushion, kneeling and presenting myself to him with my head slightly bowed, eyes down, and hands turned up on my thighs.  I had been waiting to offer myself to him this way and felt it as a visceral need inside me at that point.  I had no idea what he would do with me next, but I had to do this, I needed to offer myself to him beyond what I already had - symbolically I guess.

E came out of the kitchen and began to walk through the living room, stopping short when he saw me.  He was pleasantly surprised lol and decided that flogging was in order. He had about 6 different floggers on hand, and started trying them out on me.  The first few made me giggle more than anything, but they soon grew heavier and caused more of a sting.  Other positions were tried, such as on my hands and knees, and the humble position which left me feeling both exposed and excited, especially since the position was emphasized by the fact that my knees were still up on the cushion, while my upper body was close to the carpeted floor. E swung a heavier flogger at my pussy, making me yelp with a bit of pain, but still feeling pleasure.  I moved away from the flogger just a little, but moved back into position and he praised me when I kept myself exposed for him to continue. 

Mmm, I can still feel the flogger wrapping around my sides as E tested different areas, and occasionally stinging the exposed bottoms of my feet. I was intensely aroused by the flogging and he allowed me to orgasm a few times as he continued to strike me. At one point he walked around to my head, and had his ankles on either side of my neck, trapping my head in place while he continued to whip my back and bottom. Then he stepped back and moved my left arm so that my left hand was on my lower back, and pushed my left shoulder back so that I raised up a bit, exposing my breasts to the flogger.  E alternated between my nipples and the underside of my breasts, holding my breast out by the nipple for easy flogging. It was quite stingy, making me cry out, but it was still pleasurable.  Periodically he would change floggers, and also stopped to whisper to me sometimes and tell me what a good girl I was, and that he wanted me to take a little more - which I did.  

When he got to the heaviest flogger but one, he walked around in front of me again.  Knowing what he wanted, this time I moved my left hand to my back, raised my left shoulder, and looked up at him knowingly.  E said, “Damn that’s a sexy move,” and he leaned down to whisper in my ear, “Do you know why you did that?” I gasped out, “Because I’m a slave,” which was the right answer.  He then proceeded to flog my breasts and belly while I cried out in pain and lust. 

I still giggled a bit occasionally between cries, until he got out the most serious flogger - this one had little metal skulls at the ends of the strands.  This is where the giggles stopped. E knew that this flogger would sting like hell and he was VERY careful with it because he didn’t want to break my skin.  He purposely flogged my ass with just a bit of force, which pulled a loud cry of pain and surprise from me. He struck me again and I started to cry.  E knew that I desperately needed to cry, hell, I needed to sob my heart out because I hadn’t had a real cry in years.  The first time we met I cried a little bit but I still had demons to let out.  So he said after the 2nd or 3rd hit, “Cry, you better cry and keep crying and let it all out or I’ll hit you again.” 

I could feel the urge to cry begin to recede so I said “Please, I need more,” and he struck my ass a few more times until I started sobbing loudly from the harsh sting of the tiny metal skulls slapping my skin.  E laid down on the floor, pulled me off my cushion, and held me tightly while I wailed out all the pain and anger of the past year - going through breast cancer treatment not only unsupported, but with my ex working against me to try to make me feel guilty and depressed, left me with a lot to cry about. He stroked my hair and whispered to me until I quieted. I felt so much better after that, I can’t describe it.  After a time he sat on the couch and I sat at his feet and laid my head on his thigh while he continued to stroke my hair.  

Once I felt better, E wound his hand tightly in my hair and pulled my head back. He put his mouth to my ear and nibbled gently, blowing a bit too.  I’ve had my ears played with before and it didn’t do anything for me, but I shivered and shrieked, nipples hardening and goosebumps covering my skin.  The difference is that he is in my head, first and foremost, so instead of feeling nothing because I was not engaged by my former lovers’ minds, I felt everything!  He continued to play with my ears, and then my neck, getting the same reaction where my neck meets my shoulder. 

We moved back into the bedroom then to play with the Sybian.  E put on an attachment that would go inside me and stimulate my g-spot, and then helped me mount it. The Sybian, wow what can I say?  The vibrations are so strong, and with the internal stimulation as well it was not hard to orgasm again very quickly.  That was just a tease though because E then started cranking up the vibrations - the Sybian has a very powerful motor!  E was enjoying himself, sitting on the bench against the wall at the end of the bed, grinning as he proceeded to tease me.  

He would crank up the vibe until it was almost unbearable, then lower it again.  I could cum as often as I wanted but it was almost too much - until it WAS too much.  E turned it way up, then while I looked at him he purposely dropped the wired controller, letting it fall to the floor. He said that the look on my face was priceless when he did that, and I shrieked in disbelief and tried not to beg him to turn it down - telling him something is too much just eggs him on lol. He of course picked it back up after what seemed like forever, and continued to tease me for a bit longer.  

My tears were still readily available and at one point I started to cry again as the overwhelming pleasure became almost painful.  E turned off the machine then and helped me extract myself. God, my pussy was so overstimulated at that point - of course then he fucked me after hauling me around so I was lying sideways across the bed with my ass in his hands as he drove deep into me.  He told me to cum and I did, crying out as I stared into his eyes. He soon came as well. 

Then we cuddled on the bed some more.  I scratched his back, which he enjoyed, though I laughed at my lack of long fingernails.  I explained that my nails are like a child’s nails, they are very small and soft and thin, and so I don’t grow them out because they bend and tear easily.  E grabbed my fingers to look at my nails and started to laugh at how tiny they really are, comparing his to mine. 

As we lay there cuddling and laughing, I had the sudden thought that I wanted to please him - no, that his slave wanted to please him. It was just a quick little thought but E saw it pass through my mind, he is so observant!  He asked me, “What was that thought, it looked really sexy?”  I said something like, just a thought, nothing.  Of course he wasn’t having it and made me tell him what I was thinking.  I told him, “Your slave wants to please you.” He told me that I did a really good job of pleasing him all weekend.  That made me glow, but also made me realize that I’ve lost my stone face.  I told him about that the other day, that him seeing that momentary thought flit across my face meant that I had lost my stone face, that face I had used to hide my feelings from my ex.  He said well yeah, it was a survival mechanism and you don’t need it any more. I thought about that for a bit, but he’s right - I don’t need to guard myself the way I used to.  I trust him, and I haven’t been wrong about that yet.

After a bit more cuddling, I mentioned that a nap would be good before I started for home.  E got up to set an alarm, and told me to make a nest in the covers and get some sleep. 

All too soon I was up, showered, and heading out the door, back to reality.  I continued to communicate with E all the way home, checking in periodically so he would know that I was ok.  He looked up the weather forecast for me when I appeared to be going into stormy weather to tell me that it had already passed.  

This week has been a bit surreal.  Monday evening, as I said, I ran 3 miles.  On Tuesday, work was hellish and I had to force myself outside that night to do some mowing.  I felt unmotivated.  It wasn’t until my Wednesday evening hike, however, that I realized that I really wasn’t right.  I texted E to tell him that I was fighting fatigue and not feeling like myself - I only did 5 hill drills and merely hiked rather than running the rest of the trail. He told me to look up sub drop and I did - I had before but didn’t really retain it since I hadn’t experienced it yet. And yeah, that was the issue.  I was dropping after all of the endorphins that had flooded my system over the weekend. Work kicked my ass this week which was hard when I didn’t feel like working.  E was very caring and was on board with me going to bed early, which I did. I tried to get good sleep that night and felt quite a bit better on Thursday. Today, Saturday, I’m back to normal entirely.  

E and I chatted by text today about the slave thing a bit in reference to something he copied from another profile and sent to me for discussion, where a slave has dictated to their master that using the safeword will still result in a certain prescribed number of additional strikes during impact play. I said that I wasn’t comfortable with that approach, because it turned the safeword of last resort into something that signaled more instead of stop.  I like the interaction between us during play, when he whispers to me that I’m being a good girl, and if I safeword he will stop, and whisper to me, and stroke my hair, and see if I’m open to pushing that limit a little bit.  Also, as a slave, I don’t want to demand, only to offer - such as kneeling for him when it was not expected, or putting my hand behind me and raising my shoulder because I knew he wanted it.

As he says being a slave is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, and I am growing more comfortable with the thought that I do have strong slave tendencies.  Whether or not I find myself the kind of man who can give me what I need to allow that part of myself to flourish, that is still in question.  But there’s no rush, I have plenty of time to enjoy what E and I are doing together and enjoy life before I start looking for anything like that.

Thanks for reading.

This will be a short one, just want to share my feelings since I'm getting so close to visiting E tomorrow, it's only our second meeting.  By this time tomorrow I'll be in his capable hands, letting him guide me in my journey IRL for 24 hours. I'm both nervous and excited.  I just finished work for the day and I'll spend my evening packing my things for tomorrow - a few clothes, toiletries, and the toys that I've purchased since I've known E. Lol my toy drawer was shamefully bare before I met him. 

Tonight I'm needy, both in a sexual and a submissive way.  I crave his confident touch and want to kneel at his feet and let the outside world fall away.  I trust him to know what I need, and to give it to me.  He understands my needs as we've talked so much about them in addition to playing long distance as we can.  My blog posts have also helped him understand what makes me tick, and how I feel about submission as it relates to me.  It's not that I haven't told him things, it's more that posts bring it all together for him and maybe make a few additional points that I hadn't thought about until I wrote them.

E's going to have fun with me tonight, winding me up to see if he can make me orgasm without permission - then a punishment spanking could be part of my weekend.  Not that impact play isn't already part of the weekend and he doesn't need an excuse to spank me, but a punishment spanking is different - a different tone, shall we say.  The crying might be good for me since I still struggle with releasing my emotions that way but ouch!  We'll see if I can avoid that tonight.  Will be a battle for sure.

I need this weekend almost more than I can say.  I don't think I could do 100% online D/s, I really need the physical touch as well as the texts, emails, and Facetime calls. 

This year has been a true reset for me.  I went through cancer treatment, divorced a man that treated me badly, and have been working hard on myself to be healthier, fitter, and happier all around.  The journey so far has not been too difficult because I've kept a strong emotional base even through the hard times, and I was truly ready for the changes.  I'm not becoming someone else, just becoming the person I was always meant to be.

This weekend, god, this weekend.  I'm going to be excited and so nervous when I walk through his door. Submitting to him in person will be a shock to my system, both mentally and physically, and it should be!  It's like a system reset, but more of a continuation of the work that I've done so far to try to become my most true self. Tomorrow I'll be gaining another piece of myself.  It's like the stiff uptight part of me that had to be in charge and hold down the fort for so long is finally going to crack, and then shatter into a million pieces.  Behind that façade it's just me.  I can't wait for that feeling of submission to roll through me like a tidal wave and bring down that wall.

Hope you all have a lovely evening.  

I’m smiling and blushing a bit, giggles are not far away when I think about my upcoming visit with E this weekend.  I’m trying out a new dogsitter so that I can go visit him overnight so that we have more time to play.  I’ll arrive at his house around 5 pm on Saturday, and I’ll be able to stay until about 5 pm on Sunday.  24 hours to play, yay!  And if the sitter works out then I’ll try a whole weekend next time. I wanted to write a post before my visit, detailing my feelings, uncertainties, and expectations.  Then after the visit, I’ll write again with my thoughts and feelings about how it went and what I learned about submission, and about myself.

E has been helpful as usual lately, celebrates my small successes – I saw my collarbones last week and had to take my shirt off for another look lol.  He laughed when I told him but was happy for me.  He also pointed out how much thinner I look in the selfie I sent him yesterday vs. the first one I sent him over a month ago.  He also says he’s looking forward to hearing about people’s reactions when I return to the office so much thinner and dressed and made up more feminine than I was in the past.

E has been messaging off and on with another new sub who reached out to ask questions after reading his profile.  He referred her to my blog, which she found helpful (I found this very gratifying as I hoped my experiences could help someone else ☺).  She messaged me to say so and I said that I hoped E was helpful and offered to answer questions if she needed anything, newbie to newbie.  He still can’t understand why I think he’s kinda special.  I brought up profiles again and reminded him what is in most Dom profiles – not enough info, or scary things that put off new subs, or just a few lines about looking for an “obedient” woman with no indication of what HE has to offer a sub. It's a power EXCHANGE, people! Ugh. The fact that he describes characteristics of a dominant in an articulate manner AND talks about submission as well is incredibly helpful and he seems very genuine, with no whining, no bitterness, no negativity about present or past relationships. E gets kind of embarrassed when I mention this off and on but yeah I’m doing it again, just for him lol. Hi E ☺

We also did a bit more hypnosis recently.  My work is going to be extra stressful for the next month.  I’m up for a promotion but I have to get my replacement up to speed before I can get promoted, so I’m doing training ½ days while also running user testing on a project and managing and mentoring my team. This affects my sleep as I have a tendency to wake up at 4 am with busy brain and I can’t get back to sleep.  By the end of the week, I am just exhausted.  

E was able to add in some commands that I can use myself to help me get back to sleep, one command to relax and clear my mind, and one to help me go back to sleep.  So far they have been very helpful.  I know some people don’t believe in the hypnosis but when you want it to work it definitely helps.  And since he wants me as his sub to get my rest, that also helps it work – I want to obey him and even though I’m using the commands myself, they were given to me by him.

We have also been negotiating what we’ll be doing this coming weekend.  I know that my upcoming description may throw some of you off as we’re going to get very deep into things on our second visit, but there are factors that make me comfortable with what we’re going to do:

• I am in a good place emotionally and mentally – I’m not broken, I’m a whole happy person, I have a very strong emotional base – and I know what I want from this weekend
• I trust E with my safety both emotionally and physically – he has continued to be kind, respectful, and supportive while we continue this journey

So what do I want to get from this weekend?  Well, I don’t just want to be submissive at certain times – I want to experience what it would be like if I was a slave, since I seem to have some slave tendencies.  I want to feel owned, I want to feel that deep, deep submission.  Now, as I’ve said before, we’re not serious, but E takes his Dom-with-benefits responsibility very seriously lol. 

Yep, I’m jumping right off the deep end, but I can’t wait to experience it.  This will also help confirm for me whether or not slave is a role I could ultimately end up in – I say ultimately because as I’ve said in a prior post, it would take the right man for me to take on that role, and it would not happen right away.  And yes, a sex slave.  I like doing little tasks for someone I care about but I’m not primarily a service submissive.

When E suggested me being a slave the entire time from when I walked in the door, he included details like he would put a collar on me right away, I’d be on my knees, I’d be servicing him immediately sexually and would continue to do so throughout my visit whenever he wanted me.  I would definitely get plenty of orgasms out of it but the focus would be on him and his needs, not mine.  He explained that he was offering this due to our 24 hour time constraint and that he was confident that I could handle it and would benefit from the experience, but wanted my opinion and agreement of course.  

My immediate thought was oohhhhhh yesssss and that’s what I texted him first.  Then I went back and gave him a real response because I needed to use my words and communicate how I felt and why.  I said that I know that he respects me and cares for me as a friend and sub he is training, and that I trust him and respect him as well.  So yes, I would like spend the weekend as your slave.   I’m getting hot as I write this of course.  We have a joke – when he sends me something to ask how it makes me feel, like a kink I haven’t thought about yet, I always say that it turns me on and it makes us both laugh – I am up for trying almost anything.  Apparently, I am making up for lost years of kinky sex.

I’m taking time this week to pamper myself in the evenings, get my hair trimmed, doing my nails, etc. And I’m also practicing slave positions and kneeling on my cushion, trying to sink into the slave mindset to help me get into it more easily this weekend.   

We’ve also been talking about impact play and how that could potentially go this weekend.  E purchased some new floggers to try out on me.  He says he’s going to find the point where I stop giggling.  I’m curious myself how I’m going to respond, currently it’s a bit of a black box.  Will I enjoy it?  Will it be sexual enjoyment?  Will I get to subspace? Will I orgasm from it? I am so very curious to find out!  I don’t know at what point he will bring that in, it’s up to him.  I trust him though to keep me safe and also build it up properly.  E stated to me that it’s his responsibility to make sure I’m safe, especially if I go into subspace.  He thinks that I’ll be so deep in submission that I may orgasm from flogging, but we’ll find out. 

I’m currently on an orgasm restriction since Monday evening, but I had LOTS of orgasms over the weekend.  On Friday night I asked E for an orgasm before I went to sleep.  I made the mistake of saying that I had my remote control toy handy – about 50 orgasms later I finally got to go to sleep.  He ordered me to keep cumming and I did, over, and over, and over.   I was exhausted but quite happy. Ok I’ll admit that at one point I begged him to turn the toy back on because I was enjoying it so much.  E told me that I look extremely erotic when I’m cumming and he enjoys watching me.  Monday night he added a new orgasm command AND a command to freeze my orgasm and not complete it, so we played with those.  Now it’s Wednesday.  I’ll be horny tonight but I admit I love when he restricts me.  I gave him my orgasms and they’re so much better when he gives them back to me.  It makes me frustrated but gives me warm fuzzies at the same time when he restricts me from cumming.

This morning I woke up to an email from E.  LOTS of details about how I should behave this weekend with slave protocol in place, in addition to our prior text messages exchanged on the subject.  I read through it, both excited and also feeling very submissive and cared for, since he obviously cares enough to give me detailed instructions.  I’ve been re-reading it throughout the day, gives me shivers every time. I’ll share some of the details – with E’s permission and encouragement of course. 

I’ll wear a dress on my drive over to his side of the state, no bra or panties.  I’ll be wearing my tail – I have a long beautiful fox-type tail with a small butt plug that should be comfortable enough for the drive.  Lol I’ll have to pin it up or something if I stop to use the restroom on the way so people don’t see it.  I’ll wear makeup of course and look my sexiest.  I’m going to be nervous when I get there, I know this.  E said he will enjoy my nervousness and will use it to keep me on edge and feeling everything.

When I walk in the door, E will put a collar on me that will remain until I leave the next day. I will be restricted from eye contact and I will keep my eyes lowered unless he asks me to look at him.  Eye contact restriction is something that I’ve been very curious about.  I think I’ll be feeling VERY submissive when I can’t look at him unless he asks me to.  I get shivers thinking about it. 

I will be naked unless we order food to be delivered, in which case I would answer the door clothed, with my collar on, to accept the food.  E will ask me at different points to assume different slave positions, so I better know them.  

He will also use me sexually in any way he likes whenever he likes.  I’m not worried about this – we’ve established that I’m open to A LOT of things even if I haven’t done all of them previously.  He intends to shove his dick in my mouth right after I get there - I’ll walk in, kneel, he’ll put the collar on, and then my mouth needs to be open.  Mmm, getting hot just thinking about it lol.  I’m going to be his 3 hole slut for 24 hours.  And there is an order to that.  Mouth, ass, then pussy.  I have to earn the pussy fucking by making it good for him with my mouth and ass first.  And I enjoy all of the above, so it will be fun to earn that ☺

E will also tie me up at various times when he feels like it.  He’ll likely tie me to the bed while he flogs me, and also restrain me when he puts me on the Sybian.  He says it will make me talk to God, and I’m looking forward to trying that machine after watching some porn clips he sent me.  He wonders if it will make me squirt – that’s kind of embarrassing to think about and I never have done that before.  My assignment this week is to look it up and try to get comfortable with the thought so I’m not weirded out if it happens.

I will be restrained at night, hands bound together, feet bound together and tied to the footboard.  It’s hard to explain why I like this idea. When I wake up during the night I’ll instantly be reminded of his ownership, and I really like that thought. 

E’s intention is to send me home a well-fucked mess, as I’ll be used more in 24 hours than I have been in years lol. I’m so looking forward to this weekend.  I’m finding strength in my need to submit, to let go of everything that I know I am - an intelligent, professional woman, and be valued for just pure femininity.  I’ve always been valued for my other abilities, and while yes, those are necessary and important parts of me, I want to embrace the submissive and sexual sides of myself and give myself over to him to do what I am told to do. 

I’ll write more next week after our visit to share what happened and how my 24 hours as a slave made me feel.

Am I a sub or a slave?  That’s a really good question and one that I have been working through slowly for the last month, trying to figure out my place in this world.  Before I joined the site and dove into this world, I did a lot of research about BDSM in general, and I knew that I was submissive, but I wasn’t aware of the different levels of submission.

About a month ago, E had me look up the 9 Levels of Submission, by Diane Vera. I then fell down a very large and many branched rabbit hole researching the difference between a sub and a slave.  Why?  Because E had begun to notice that I might have slave tendencies.  As he said, just because HE thought I might be more sub than slave, that didn’t mean that I was.  He would never try to define me, that was up to me.  However, he wanted me to look up the 9 levels just so I had that information. Researching this topic was difficult because of the plethora of opinions and the complexity of the issue, but also because articles written by slaves describing the difference between sub and slave were written by people who were deep into the journey - had already been a slave for months or years, for instance.  There was a lack of material written by people who were in the midst of trying to find their way, which would have been more helpful for me.

Honestly, the idea of labeling myself a slave made me feel apprehensive, and I couldn’t figure out why until I was deep in thought about writing this post.  Before I write each post, I choose my topic, then contemplate it for a few days before I start writing.  I may do research, or look back on my communications with E, and then I spend a lot of time just thinking really hard and putting together the pieces in my mind.  I told E that writing this blog helps me put things in order so that I can see them more clearly.  But more about my apprehension later.

I know that the 9 levels is an old document.  Some of the articles that I’ve read are against such classification and are insistent that everyone should find their own way and not worry about labels. I agree that we should all find our own path and not define ourselves entirely by someone else’s opinion or by someone else’s words.  And yet we still call ourselves subs, slaves, baby girls, littles, etc. because it helps us find a way to relate to others in this world, and also helps us figure out what sort of counterpart we’re looking for. I found the 9 levels helpful as a basic tool to help me understand that there actually were levels, and it was helpful to read through them and take a guess where I fell in the list. 

At the point where I started doing research, though I didn’t know about the 9 levels, I would have guessed that I fell somewhere around a 4 (True Submissive Non-Slave) or 5 (True Submissive Play Slave.)  Lol so many articles took exception to the whole “True” thing and with good reason, I’ve seen many an argument out there online about what a “True” sub or a “True” slave or a “True’ Dom is. Essentially what “True” means in the 2 classifications is simply that submission is a real thing for us, but mostly about sex. The more research I did, however, the more I felt that I needed more from submission than just sex. 

Why did E feel like I might actually end up a slave instead of a sub? There weren’t a lot of concrete moments that said “I’m a slave,” it was more like my way of thinking, but I’ll list a few things here. 

• I don’t have a lot of limits - according to E, I “ooze sensuality and sexuality” and nothing he has brought up so far has scared me or thrown me - I am willing to try many things that might freak out someone else that is new to BDSM.
• I like to obey, in fact I NEED to obey him when he commands me - last night for instance, he called me and said, I’m not going to use a hypnotic command, but I want you to make yourself cum right now. He said that we might be in out in public, like in the grocery store in an aisle by ourselves, and he might tell me to make myself cum.  God, I just listened to his voice, and a little pressure with well-placed fingers and I had an orgasm in about 30 seconds.  As I said, I NEED to obey.  I'm betting that if that happens I won't even need to touch myself, just the look in his eyes and his voice will be enough.
• One day I told him that I woke up horny, thought about giving myself an orgasm to help me go back to sleep, but I remembered that they were his - and I smiled and went back to sleep.  Feeling owned, even just that much, makes me happy.
• We had a discussion one night about tracking, and he asked if I liked the thought of a Dom or Master being able to keep track of me, like through my phone - I was fine with it, thought it might make me feel cared for - with the right person of course.
• The way I felt when he corrected me that first time also showed that I could be a slave - the way I sank into my submission, realizing that I had been wrong, and that it was his right to correct me and guide me. 

Given all of these things and some others, I read the 9 levels again and gave things some thought.  They are a rough guide, not a be-all and end-all of submissive classification, so I came up with 7 (Part Time Consensual but Real Slave.) I still wanted to know more though, so I kept doing research on sub vs. slave.

What did I find?  What I found is that there are many different opinions, but I managed to boil it down to a need.  A sub enjoys being commanded to do things.  A slave NEEDS to obey a Master’s commands. I also felt a kinship with level 8, the Full Time Live-in Consensual Slave, but I have a job so I would not truly be available 24/7. But as I said, the 9 levels are a basic tool, I could be a full-time slave and still have a job if that is the way that my Master and I defined it.

E and I chatted about this off and on, each time making sure he told me that it’s MY place to figure out what I am, not his place to tell me.  He was simply making observations so that I could think about things. He also pointed out each time that it would take the right situation, the right relationship, in order for me to really sink into the slave role.

And so I thought about it, and it made me feel a bit apprehensive.  I mostly ignored it internally, skirting around it in my mind and not thinking about why it bothered me. (Sorry E, I know it might bother you that I didn’t say anything, I truly wasn’t fully aware of how I felt.) Though I did ask him once, why would someone want a slave, isn’t a slave a lot of work for a Master? He said there are plenty of men out there who would love to own a slave, but that there are fewer who actually know how to treat a slave.  He said that a slave must choose carefully, and never settle. 

I dove back down the rabbit hole and kept doing research.  A part of my apprehension came from reading personal ads and profiles as well as forums talking about property.  Many personal ads seemed to be looking for a one-dimensional person who may or may exist - a woman who is happy to simply be owned, make her Master her whole world, and take care of all domestic chores as well as being available for sex at all times.  I took these ads with a grain of salt, because the men behind them may not really know what they’re doing, they may not understand that the vast majority of women are NOT one-dimensional creatures.  Some of these just seemed like selfish creeps who didn’t want to do the work involved with having an actual relationship.

Many of the profiles that I read expressed an interest in owning a slave, but focused more on the “no limits” sexual piece instead of actual characteristics of the person that they were looking for.  And many didn’t share much about themselves either. Again, not inspiring confidence here. 

Forums were another source of uncertain feelings. While some of the M/s forums on assorted websites were informative, others were really hardcore about degradation - owning their property, shaving a slave’s head, not letting her work, making her eat from a dog bowl, all in the name of ownership.  It seemed very misogynistic to me, though serious degradation is not my kink.  If some slaves enjoy that, then ok.  We are all different and I’m not throwing stones, just trying to relate what I was reading to the person that I am, and the person that I am becoming. 

While I did see some profiles that seemed to be looking for a slave that was an actual whole person, they were definitely in the minority.  E’s words about choosing carefully and not settling were definitely in the forefront of my mind while I was doing all this research. And this was all contingent of course on me WANTING to go down that road.  It does attract me though, I must admit. The thought of being with someone I trust enough to truly let go of limits, let go of everything and just obey, sounds both exciting and comforting at the same time.  It would definitely take time to get there even with the right person - meaning months or years, not days or weeks.

I just figured out my true issue behind the apprehension this week in the course of contemplation for writing this post. It’s the fact that I was in the service of a narcissist for almost 10 years - my ex-husband. When I read ads looking for women for domestic and sexual service with no life, well gosh that was me for too many years, though the sex was shitty.  Each day was lived for him.  I would work each day bright and early, while he slept in.  When we first got together I begged him to get a job, but he just waited me out.  I didn’t dump him then though I should have.  We had moved from Cedar Rapids to St. Louis together so we were both on the lease, and he was seeing his daughter finally on a regular basis. So the pity card worked there and I eventually gave up after a year and a half.  I fell a bit in love with the kid too, she’s pretty great.

When we (I) bought a house in 2018 out in the country, he was just FULL of ideas.  The house came with 1.5 acres, grapevines for wine grapes, asian pear trees, asparagus beds, a koi pond, and lots of perennial landscaping. He was going to microfarm, sell vegetables, make wine, build a greenhouse, etc. But each day came with a reason why he couldn’t work on things.  He had a headache (lol never when he wanted sex though,) he didn’t feel well, he was tired (fuck I was EXHAUSTED both physically and emotionally from all his bullshit.) The excuses went on and on. 

And then he would complain about all the things that we DIDN’T have.  We didn’t have a fancy pole barn like the house up the road.  We didn’t have a zero turn riding mower, just a 20 year old craftsman mower I got dirt cheap the 2nd year we were here (it ain’t pretty but it still runs and cuts the damn grass.) He would insist that we absolutely had to do something, and I would end up buying materials for a project that never happened.  Or worse, a project where he tore something apart and never put it back together. 

Each day involved him sharing every single nuance of how he felt, and my job was to dispense sympathy and excuse him from doing anything at all.  During the pandemic it got worse, he was just angry all the time and very bitter about everything he felt like he didn’t have. Anytime he chose to do something it usually involved tearing something apart that we didn’t have money to rebuild.  Then it was all me “blocking” him which made him even more angry.

Friends were thin on the ground.  Moving to a new city in your forties, especially when you don’t have kids in school, makes it really tough to make real friends.  When your narcissist gets all jealous that you’re going out with friends and he’s not invited (and has always had VERY few friends, imagine that) you start denying yourself that pleasure as well.  You don’t want him around your friends because he’s likely to do something that creeps them out. I managed to hang on to a friend or two but we didn’t get to go out much.

The upshot here is that I was stuck in domestic service and sexual service that I did not want to be in.  I ended up doing all household chores in addition to working my ass off at my job, while he would get up mid-afternoon and sit down next to me and start playing video games.  When I was close to being done for the day he would ask, “What are we doing for dinner?” (Not sure what you’re having motherfucker, I’m having ramen.)

When I was diagnosed with pre-cancer and had to go through breast cancer treatment, he went off the rails entirely because he was no longer the center of attention.  After months of gaslighting and one incident of coercion and not letting me leave along with threats of stalking, burning the house down, etc., I was finally rid of him.  Lol now I have a boatload of unfinished projects, neglected grape vines, neglected pear trees, a koi pond that is pretty well screwed, etc.  But I have my peace, and my strength.  The rest can be handled, one thing at a time.

So back to my apprehension.  I felt apprehensive because so many of the ads and profiles I read seemed to want something similar to what I had just been through. They didn’t take into account the richness of each person’s inner self or the needs of that self.  

I feel like each one of us is like a beautiful embroidered tapestry on the inside.  Deeper than the roles we play of daughter, mother, sister, brother, father, friend are the true pieces of who we are. We go through life with threads sewn into the tapestry in different colors for the different parts of ourselves. During tough years, such as my years with a narcissist, the threads may become very thin, laid down as placeholders for the traits that are still there, but hidden from view while we are going through tough times.  My threads were very, very thin, but now that I am free and rebuilding my life, they are beginning to be laid down more thickly, in a variety of stitches and colors that illustrate who I am. 

A part of me that I’ve found again is the girl who loves music, from classic rock to alternative to pop to bluegrass to oldies - Sam Cooke is a favorite.  I play music all the time now, where before it was all his music when played at all, which consisted of EDM and Depeche Mode - not much variety.  This girl has always wanted to sing karaoke but was a marching band kid in high school, so she’s taking singing lessons and loving it!

The 10 year old tomboy is another part of me that has returned.  She thinks that the forest is a wondrous place, and when hiking in the woods thinks that something magical might just happen if she just waited long enough. She also likes to stuff her keys, cards, and phone in her pockets and take off on short notice for a drive or shopping trip, unencumbered by the typical bag of crap that women tend to carry around. The tomboy enjoys activity books made for kids and fills them in with pencil or crayons depending on her mood.  The tomboy is tough and can be stubborn, such as when I was stung by a wasp when doing yardwork a couple months ago.  Instead of taking care of it, I got mad, bought some spray at the dollar store and laid waste to the nests - it was like the bombing of Dresden lol.  Then I proceeded to do yard work in the summer heat for 4 more hours, trimming trees and mowing, ignoring the wasp sting (ouch!)  Needless to say my arm swelled up and it was painful and ugly for a good 10 days.

I have other parts that are newer to me, though they were probably there and just hidden before.  The woman who “oozes sensuality and sexuality” is one of those parts. She is up for kinky sex pretty much all the time to my surprise. 

I am not a domestic goddess who enjoys household chores. But while I do not want to be responsible for all household chores, I do enjoy making sure someone has what they like, or what they need.  For instance making sure my significant other has food that they like, or clean clothes, or perhaps I learned how to make a dish that they enjoy just because it makes them happy.  

I enjoy being a professional woman. I find satisfaction in a well built piece of automation, or a new process that works as planned. I enjoy being a friend and spending time with friends.  I LOVE the forest and love challenging my body with trail running and hiking. 

I’ve told E a few times that when I'm ready for a relationship it will take a strong, confident man to handle me and inspire my submission because I’m going to be a lot.  Meaning I will be strong, smart, fit, happy, sexy, adventurous - all those things that narcissists like my ex hate because they can’t control us. I’ve worked with a therapist for the last 7 months and she has helped me find my strength. My journey along the path of submission has helped so much as well. 

Here’s where I figured out the solution to my problem, and was able to settle my apprehension and start to feel more peaceful about the slave part of me just in the last few days.  In the articles that I read about being a slave, the authors all talked about finding someone whose limits aligned with yours, because if you reach the point of vacating your limits in favor or your Master’s limits, it’s best to be sure that they feel similarly about the things you feel strongly about. I would add to that though.  

In looking for someone who could be the Dom to my sub, and possibly the Master to my slave (eventually,) I would want to be sure that he would value all the parts of me that I value. Use the sex slave.  Flog the masochist (if this ends up being me as well.) Celebrate the successes of the professional woman.  Smile fondly at the tomboy when she’s curled up solving word search puzzles or connecting dot-to-dots.  Make sure the trail runner gets her forest time.  Make sure the social side of her gets time with friends. Go on adventures together.  Teach me something you love because I love to learn. Let me spoil you, and please spoil me too. Value each other in all our complexity. Push me to be a better person. I’ll be your treasured possession, and I’ll treasure you as well.

Everyone’s dynamic is defined differently, but all are valid if both parties are in agreement with that definition. Though I may never find the right situation, consensual slavery calls to me. As E said to me, “Choose carefully, and never settle.” Sounds like a good plan.

Califia, Patrick, and Diane Vera. “Nine Degrees of Submission.” The Lesbian S/M Safety Manual, Lace Publications, Denver, CO, 1988, pp. unknown.

I’ve learned on this journey that submission has a very strong mental component. Sure, I could have put up a profile and found a Dom to play with, getting my kinky sexual needs fulfilled without ever trying to develop a true understanding of submission.  I could have explored things like spanking, bondage, etc. and expected a Dom to give me what I wanted, without offering anything real in return. I think that there are people who go this route, maybe they’re not really submissive, or maybe they are but they’re afraid of embracing submission.  However, the changes in my life combined with the research that I had done left me with a clarity of purpose, so I knew that I wanted to find out if I was submissive.

It’s a deeply personal thing to learn about submission and find in myself the deep need to submit to a Dom both sexually and otherwise. In the research that I did prior to joining this site, the thought of submission appealed to me but until I actually started communicating with a Dom, I didn’t truly understand how fulfilling it could be. I still lack intimate knowledge of submission since we’ve only met in person once so far, but that will change in a couple of weeks as we have plans for me to travel to him, this time for a couple of days.  In the meantime, however, I have what I have, the control that I have given over to him, and I enjoy it tremendously. This control was given over time, not all at once.

My conversations with E began small.  We slowly got to know each other. As we built trust between us, he started asking me about things, what sort of sexual experience I had, what turns me on, etc. I had filled out my checklist and published it, as I said in a previous post, since my intention in joining the site was to be as open as possible. Night after night, he would bring up a few new things and ask me how I felt about them, what I pictured, what sort of fantasies I had. At one point he sent me a link and warned me that it was from a porn site and not to be surprised. 

I giggled a little and told him I was not offended and that what he sent me turned me on. I’m VERY visual and have enjoyed watching porn at times in the past.  After that we traded porn clips, researching to figure out what I liked.  For instance, E sent me 2 blow job clips to compare.  I said they’re both hot, but I prefer the one where I can see his hands moving over her body, one hand eventually covering her pussy possessively while he is fucking her throat.  I love seeing a man’s hands on my body.  I’ve NEVER been so open about sex with anyone before, but I quickly got used to it, though sometimes I would blush in the privacy of my living room when he would hit on a sensitive topic, something naughty perhaps that I was afraid to admit that I was interested in.

What does all that have to do with submission?  Well, E was getting into my head.  I expressed my frustration with my lack of experience, citing prior exes that had no imagination and no ability to pull me out of my head and keep me in the moment.  E laughed and said that’s the problem with modern men, they don’t understand that sex starts in the mind.  He said he would find out what I like and use it against me. Against me meaning make me cum, over and over again if he wanted, or use it to get me all hot and bothered and then deny me the right to cum.  In discussing the importance of foreplay, he expressed how he prefers to make a woman cum before she even takes off her clothes - again, using her mind to turn her on to the point where she has an orgasm before he touches her.  This all resonated deeply in me.  

I felt like a novice, almost virginal, finding out that there was a whole world of sex that I had no clue about - how in the hell could a woman orgasm without being touched when I could barely orgasm with a long period of direct clit stimulation?  Shit that thing would go numb or feel bruised sometimes from overstimulation BUT while that was happening, the rest of my body was untouched, my mind was uninvolved and I would just never get there. Getting up and making a sandwich would have been more satisfying. Some major things had been missing all my life. My world was opening up.

E also started talking about hypnosis as a way to make a woman cum from a distance, for instance by texting her a command that would make her orgasm. It gave him a heady sort of power to be able to do that, to make a woman cum without even being present.  He sent me videos to watch of erotic hypnosis that showed women having orgasm after orgasm on command.  They gave the hypnotist the power to put them into a trance and got pleasure in return. We talked about it more and more and included it in our plans for our first meeting. I really wanted to be able to do this.  I still had trouble reaching orgasm on my own frequently, even though my libido had awakened after I was finally divorced and on my own. 

The beginning of giving E control of my orgasms started with a simple challenge.  One night I told him that I was going to go to bed and play with myself and have a nice orgasm before I went to sleep. He said something like, “I challenge you to work yourself up to the edge, and then set a timer for 5-10 minutes, and NOT come until the timer goes off.”  Well, challenge accepted! I smiled with happiness that he took such interest and went off to my bed with the timer to do what he said. The next day I told him that I succeeded and shared with him the naughty thoughts that I used as fodder for my masturbation session, as he had also told me to do. He was pleased.  I found that I really liked pleasing him, it gave me a feeling in my stomach that I really liked. 

That was the first of many commands that he gave me concerning orgasms.  E would give me the instructions, and I would do as I was told.  I said once early on that I would try, but then he said “don’t try, just do what you’re told.”  He started telling me what to think about as well - detailed fantasy fodder based on him and me acting out my naughtiest fantasies that I had shared with him. Sometimes I had trouble - for instance, one night he had me do the 5 minute timer again, but after 5 minutes of staying on the edge I only had 60 seconds to cum.  If I didn’t make it, I had to reset the timer for 5 minutes and try again.  That was a tough one!  It took me 3 rounds that night to finally have an orgasm, and I told him so the next day. 

Here’s where the mental thing really started to come in.  I could have lied.  I could have just gotten myself off anyway after the 60 seconds was up, and not reset the timer to try again.  BUT that wasn’t what I wanted. I really wanted to please him, and it pleased ME to please HIM even more than it pleased me to have an orgasm. And he was pleased when I was truthful with him about how I handled his instructions and what challenges I faced.  When he added a little pain by having me put clothespins on my nipples during the timer phase and then remove them when I started to cum, he knew that I was being truthful about actually doing that and sharing how it made me feel (I liked it even though it hurt lol). I eventually gave him control of ALL of my orgasms, they now belonged to him and I would not cum without permission.  I could play, but not cum.  Which meant that sometimes I wouldn’t play as I was too close to the edge just from the mental stimulation of our conversations and I didn’t want to accidentally cum without permission.

The commands he gave me served several purposes.  I got used to doing what he told me to do - accepting his dominance - and I enjoyed it. I enjoyed pleasing him and getting a “good girl” when I succeeded.  It also helped me learn to orgasm when I was ordered to, setting the stage for the hypnosis with the intent of making it more effective.  And finally, it gave me a variety of orgasms that were ALL better than I had experienced in the past - one of the things I needed for hypnosis was a really strong memory of a really good orgasm, which I was lacking.

At one point I started asking E for instructions every night. At that point I still expected to cum each night but then he planted the seed for true orgasm control, meaning he could also DENY me an orgasm if I truly meant to allow him control. The first time I let him deny me an orgasm was a defining moment. He told me that before he came to visit, he would deny me orgasms for 3 days before, so that I would then cum incredibly hard when he was with me.  He wanted my first orgasms from the hypnosis to be spectacular.  He wanted anything else we did to also result in huge orgasms.  So when he said to me, no orgasms tonight, be a good girl and go to sleep, I did just that.  It felt good to give him my pleasure not only so he could give it back to me, but also so he could withhold it from me. Again, it was about pleasing E.  

While I knew that he would make me cum eventually, it was really hard to not cum for several days, especially since he purposely wound me up each one of those nights and sent me to bed unsatisfied. He let me know that he really enjoyed doing this too, it turned him on to get me all hot and bothered and then leave me unsatisfied, knowing that I was obeying him. This is when I truly started to FEEL my submission.  It wasn’t about me, it was about what gave HIM pleasure, about the plan that HE had in mind.  

While all this was going on, I was also becoming stronger as a person.  Due to the breast cancer treatment and divorce, I was already in the process of making major changes in my life.  My femininity had gone deeply into hiding for years, and I was slowly bringing it back.  I was also exercising and starting to lose weight like crazy since I was also suddenly moving my ex’s junk out of my house (freaking hoarder had a shopping addiction) and maintaining a 1.5 acre yard that could not all be mowed with a riding mower.  

E applauded my small victories as I shared them - shopping for clothes was a big one for me.  For years I had mostly worn dark frumpy clothes, and I wanted something new and cute.  Shopping has always been a challenge for me.  I am easily overwhelmed by the huge selection of clothes to look through.  I have to choose an area and try to stick to it and not deviate from the plan. If I start going through clearance racks I can get lost, struggle to make a decision, and end up leaving with nothing. I managed to maintain my focus while shopping for over an hour and I must have tried on about 20 different items, including dresses, tops, and shorts. It was actually fun!  I ended up buying a dress and 2 tops, which was a big purchase for this shop-phobic girl. E was happy for me and hoped that I’d wear one of my new purchases when we met.

I mention this because this is something that E mentions in his profile - building your sub up is important. I was doing the work and would have anyway, but it made it feel even better that he was encouraging me as well. He enjoyed me sharing all the little things that I had started to do or feel again, like putting on makeup before leaving the house, wearing jewelry, painting my toes - last night I shared a pic of my collection of colors and said I was trying to pick one.  He asked, “which one makes  you feel like a slut?” Lol I said none, but the pink makes me feel pretty.  I haven’t liked pink for a long time but it’s coming back to me. He liked that answer - said it made him smile. 

I fed on the praise and felt stronger and stronger as a woman.  Submitting to E and giving him control of my orgasms gave me confidence in my femininity which as I said previously had been in hiding for a long time.  I told E one day that I was much more confident in myself when I went out into the world now.  Before I did my best not to be noticed.  But now I enjoyed the world a lot more:  I held my head high, walked with confidence and smiled and spoke to people. 

I said that even though I had given him control of my orgasms, I felt like in submitting I had MORE instead of LESS.  Having the strength to find what makes me happy (submission) and act on it was making a difference in my life. And I gave him credit too for helping me along because the things that he did for me were important and made a difference in my life.  Even though our relationship is more FWB or as I think of it, Dom-with-benefits, the control, the tasks, the praise all mean a lot to me - it showed that he cared and wanted me to succeed in life as well as submission.

What other things strengthened the mental part of my submission?  Practicing positions at his direction definitely helped.  The kneeling presentation position (also called nadu) made me feel so VERY submissive, and so exposed for anything that he wanted to do, or not do - he could play with me, or just leave me kneeling there while he went about his business. 

All of the positions in general served to remind me of my servitude, especially when practiced naked on a pillow (for my bad ankle.)  Suffering for him also helped, such as kneeling with clothespins in strategic places and seeing how long I could go before taking them off or leaving the position while also trying to masturbate to an orgasm.  He would give me a “good girl” or “good job little one” and I would just glow inside.

My first correction (described in a prior post) also strengthened the mental part of my submission, as this was when I first truly felt submissive OUTSIDE of a sexual context.  When he called me on my mistake and I realized what I had done in making demands instead of asking my Dom for help, I really sank into my submissiveness and let him correct me instead of getting defensive.  Even though my transgression didn’t merit a punishment, I would have submitted to him if he wanted to punish me.  All fun and games aside, this was a major turning point for me mentally. I wanted so badly to kneel at his feet but he was far away.

Soon I’ll be heading over across the state to spend most of a weekend with E.  I’m so excited! Lol I told him the other day that I’d like to be drunk on submission and orgasms all weekend.  He said it sounds like a good plan.  I really want to explore the mental side of submission deeply when we’re together.  Yes, I want the physical side.  I want the sex.  I want to try out the new impact toys he ordered too!  But I really want to FEEL submissive, to kneel for him, to please him with my body, to bend over the bed for a paddling when he orders me to - to be present in each moment and focused on HIS needs and not mine.  I crave submission and feel it as a physical need at this point and can't wait until we're together again.

I first started communicating with E towards the end of June, shortly after I joined this site.  I had been researching BDSM for months and finally decided to take the plunge and make myself visible, though without pictures.  I immediately began to receive emails from an assortment of dominant types.  Before deciding whether I would answer each one, I took a look at their profile. 

Red flags anyone?? Yeah there were a few.  Profiles that talked about just wanting a woman who would OBEY, or talking about how much of an alpha male they were and how they didn’t need to know anything about BDSM because they were just naturally dominant.  Umm, I’m not a doormat, and if I’m going to invite a guide along on this lovely carnival ride I’d like for him to know more than I do.  Oh and the ranting profile – those are very common on vanilla dating sites as well.  I prefer a man who can keep his sense of humor and not come off like a bitter jerk in his profile.  

A few profiles were actually in the “seems ok” category, so I responded to those to see what would happen.  It was pretty nerve-wracking as a newbie waiting to see what happened next!

I went back and read E’s profile again while I waited for responses.  His was the best of the ones that I read, for several reasons:

• He had a lot to say. He was open about his history with BDSM, and was very descriptive about what he felt made a good dominant – bonus points also for describing what he felt submission was and how to recognize it.
• He didn’t sound like an angry creeper with an axe to grind – the things he felt made a good dominant all made sense to me, and seemed to match up with my prior research:
  • Courtesy
  • Respect
  • Honesty
  • Knowledge
  • Integrity
  • And the list went on, but all good stuff

Ding!  Got a reply 10 minutes later.  I got a few responses from the other Doms I messaged as well but I didn’t get that good a feeling from them, some wanted to move too fast, others wanted to talk sex right away, etc.  One thing I was SURE of was that I didn’t want to jump into a serious relationship since I was just coming out of one. 

I was open to seeing someone in real life, but I was hoping for more of a guide/mentor/Dom with benefits that would help me learn about submission, and how I identified in this new, crazy, wonderful world I had found.  I’ve read differing opinions on mentors on many sites, some would argue that a mentor should be another sub, not a Dom.  But where’s the fun in that??  I mean sexy fun is definitely part of it for me, and my libido turned on with a VENGEANCE once I got the narcissist out of my life.  I’m pretty sure a puff of dust came out of my cooch, like the door creaking open or something when I was finally free.

In chatting by email with E, he seemed to be a good fit, as he wasn’t looking for serious either and enjoyed being a friend and mentor to new subs.  So we kept chatting.  He made me feel very comfortable and safe as we chatted more and more.  I currently have 18 pages of email conversation history between us on this site if that tells you anything.  We talked at length about submission, about sex, and just about life in general – we started to get to know each other.  And we’re still getting to know each other, it’s so much fun!

About a week in, I sent a face pic.  He had asked, very politely, and made it clear that it was totally my choice.  His photo was on his profile, so I already knew what he looked like.  No, not what his dick looked like, his actual face.

Another week in, and we started talking about erotic hypnosis, which is something that E likes, and was something I did not know much about. He sent me an assortment of videos as examples, and I watched them.  It looked interesting, and I started thinking about how much I would love to orgasm on command – seriously?? It was hard to believe when my ex and every other man I had been with had needed a solid 20 minutes of clit stimulation to get me to orgasm, if they were lucky. 

Not one of them would talk dirty, or just talk, or try in any way to keep me in the moment – just their very presence and a finger on my clit was supposed to make me hot enough to come.  Meanwhile on a good day, I’d be off in my head fantasizing, and I might get there eventually.  On a bad day?  Well, I’d add a few things to the running grocery list in my head and then eventually tell him it wasn’t gonna happen and did he want to just get off?  Very sad, I know. So hypnosis was a big yes for me, I really wanted to try it.

E asked me to start thinking about the best orgasms that I had ever had, since I would need those memories for the hypnosis when we eventually met.  Ummm, yeah not much to choose from there with my lackluster sexual history.  So he helped me out there since I had started asking him how I should make myself cum each night.  Oh boy did I love the sexy suggestions!  I started having very intense orgasms, largely due to the fact that he was using my MIND to get to my sexy side.

What else was I interested in?  I had filled out the BDSM checklist on the site and made it public on my profile.  While it was sometimes hard to get the words out, I had decided when I put my profile out there that I would try to be as open as possible.  You can’t get what you don’t, or won’t ask for, right?  We chatted about LOTS of things, but spanking was something I was really interested in, along with impact play in general.

So we had a couple of things, and worked on a few more.  E sent me to the toy store (yes sex toy store lol) one night to find something that interested me, since my collection of toys was minimal. I came home with a remote control vibrator that was meant to be inserted and would vibrate against my g-spot if I had it in right, as well as a butt plug that turned out to be a challenge to put in – I swear it looked smaller at the store!

NOW we’ll talk about the g-spot.  I didn’t get to use my new toy right away, because E asked me if I had ever had a g-spot orgasm, and my answer was NO, I had never found my g-spot.  Was he sure that I had one? Did that really exist???  He laughed at me (over email) and said yes, you have one, and I’d love to find it for you.  Ummmm, yes please???  So he didn’t want me to find it with my new toy, he wanted to save that for when we met.

Okay now, I’m sure you’ve all read about safety protocols, you don’t do anything sexy like at your first meeting, just talk and get to know each other, make sure he exists, he isn’t a serial killer (not sure how you do that because they usually seem like the guy next door) and all that. 

However, we are both adults, with lives and jobs and multiple pets, so it’s hard to get away for more than a half-day without having find a dog sitter and all that.  E lives on the other side of the state and it’s a 4 hour drive between us. And I felt that we had built up enough trust to actually play a little when we finally got to meet. 

E waited for me to initiate the process of deciding when to meet up.  We had discussed it but he wanted me to feel safe, so he let me drive the interaction and decide when and where.  When was a Sunday, and where was first in public – we would meet for lunch – and then my house, for our chosen fun stuff.

Hypnosis and spanking were on the list, as well as showing me what it felt like to wear a collar.  And if I felt good after that, then we might see about finding my g-spot.

So we finally met!

We met at a local restaurant.  E had told me to wear something that would allow me to put in a vibrator or a butt plug AT THE TABLE if the opportunity arose, so I put on a peasant style dress with no panties (no bra either) and put my necessities in my purse.  To be clear, I could have refused, but I looked at it as a fun challenge.  So in nothing but my dress and a pair of sandals, I drove up to town to meet him.  Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately for my nervous self) the restaurant was too busy for any shenanigans.  In the parking lot I got out of my car and he hugged me.  I say he hugged me because I’ve never been a hugger, which is something that is changing.  He’s much taller than I am, like 6’3” to my 5’4”.  I’ve never dated a big man before but I didn’t feel threatened, just small, which was nice. He didn’t try to grab my ass or anything like that, it was just a simple hug.

We at our food and talked, and then when we left E asked if I still wanted to go back to my house.  I said yes.  He walked me to my car, then went back to his car for something, and came back with a pretty silver collar in his hands!  Oh wow that was a moment, I had been wanting to know how it felt to wear one.  He put it around my neck and locked it.  He smiled, and then followed me home.

I drove home, feeling the collar a lot as I made the 10 minute journey back to my house in the country.  It felt weird, but exciting as well to wear a collar that this Dom had put on me.  For the rest of the afternoon, I was his to play with - that gave me a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach that I loved. 

Once we were back at my house, I followed protocol and sent my sister his info, along with a pic of him, his car, and license plate, and made arrangements to call in 2 hours to assure her that I was not dead.  Then we went inside.  I introduced him to my dogs (I have 3) and showed him around.  We were standing out on the back deck talking about how pretty and peaceful it was and then he looked at me, and reached out and tweaked a nipple, watching my reaction.  I gasped and looked at him, my eyes probably telegraphing how excited I was lol.  Newbies, right?  We get worked up so easily especially when our past sex life was more like the Sahara desert than a lush tropical rainforest teeming with life.  E smirked and invited me to go back inside and start on the hypnosis.  AND he made sure I knew my safe word – we used stoplight colors since they’re easy to remember.

He put me under in my recliner in the living room.  I don’t remember a lot of that of course, that’s kind of the point.  But I DO remember when I came out of it, he texted me the word CUM. I looked at him in shock, eyes wide probably as I had an orgasm without any sort of physical stimulation!  Oh wow.  He had given me a few commands, and made it so he could give the commands either verbally or over text.  I know some people don’t believe that erotic hypnosis works, but damn I sure do believe it now.  Wanting it to work is half the battle, you need to be open to it.

After the hypnosis, he had me roll over in the recliner so that he could try out a bit of spanking.  E had me raise my dress, and then NOT LOOK as he wanted to surprise me with it.  And he did!  I surprised him too because he gave me a couple of good firm smacks and I giggled each time.  Yep, had no idea that was gonna happen. Me, giggle at pain?  Ok I get mad sometimes when I hurt myself but I never thought that intentional pain would make me giggle.  Admittedly he wasn’t trying to make me cry or anything but still, it was a shock. He took a small flogger out of his bag then and tried it out. 

More giggles.  He hit a bit harder, and then in more tender places.  I cried out a bit, but still giggled after.   So we’ll say impact play is a yes then.  I decided to move us to the bedroom – again, E made me initiate that, he wasn’t going to push anything.  He also stated that he did not plan to have sex with me, as we agreed, and that he was keeping his clothes on.

I’m pretty sure that my dress ended up around my neck after that and I realized that I really LOVED the feeling of me being naked (effectively) and him being clothed.  Talk about shivers, yumm! It made me feel VERY submissive.

We laid across my bed (channeling that old song here, Lay Lady Lay as I think about it now) and he spanked me some more.  He spanked my ass, then spanked my inner thighs, my breasts, my pussy.  I enjoyed it all. 

At one point he spanked my bottom for a long time, then pinched it until I started to cry a little, which was something that I had been hoping for.  I had told him that I hadn’t cried in months, through all the cancer treatment and divorce crap (you learn not to cry with a narcissist around because your pain doesn’t fucking matter and can be used against you.) So he knew that I was pent up and that I needed to cry.  He cuddled me while I let some tears out, it was really lovely.  That night turned me into a big fan of cuddles, I crave them now where I was not at all touchy before.

Finally we got around to my g-spot.  E had already had his big hands all over me – I discovered I love big hands, wow – and my pussy was wet and begging for his touch.  He dragged his fingers through the wetness, then looked at my face as he pushed a couple of fingers inside me.  I’m tight, never had kids and I’m not a big girl, so yeah.  He curled his fingers up and watched me as he found that spot, that wonderful spot!  He told me to cum, and oh my god did I ever!  Shaking, crying out so long and loud, thrusting my hips up against his hand, I came for what felt like forever.  He said, “There’s your g-spot, little one.  What do you think?” I laughed as I continued to clench around his fingers.  “Oh my god that is amazing, I can’t believe I never found that before, thank you!” E then put me under again and added a new command to the collection of hypnotic triggers.

We cuddled a while longer, but the real world intruded.  E had to release me from the collar, I had to take care of my animals, he had to go back across the state.  But before he left, he texted me another command.  G SPOT ORGASM it said.  And oh my god, it’s still my favorite command out of them all.  I get this image in my head of his fingers inside me, curling up against my g-spot as he looks into my eyes and says, quietly but forcefully “Cum.” 

Obviously I chose wisely.  You can see the theme here, E made sure I felt comfortable with him before moving to the next level whether in communication or in person.  That is my advice to anyone else starting out, find the guy with those qualities that I listed earlier – respect, honesty, integrity, courtesy, etc.  

I’m really looking forward to meeting again soon.  I want to explore the submissive feelings a lot more, want to kneel for him.  It’s become a visceral need inside of me.  And as E said in his profile, submission is inspired, not demanded.  He inspires that in me.  And sex, oh yes please.  Give me some of that.  Or lots of that, or whatever we have time for.

Have a lovely evening friends. Hope you enjoyed my story.

I didn't know that when I started this journey that letting go of old trauma would be part of it, but wow what a great bonus!  To be clear I have a bit of new trauma as well, but that was actually easier to let go of than the old stuff.  In chatting with E, I told him about my past traumas and he said, "Why do you give those asshats ANY space in your head?  They're in the past, it's over, and you better believe that when you're with a Dom and he wants to do something that you feel bad about, you better not be thinking about anything but him.  If I wanted to lick that pussy and you admitted that you were back there with them and not here with me (because I would have to tell him), you would definitely get a punishment!" 

Now, my ghosts are old, I know this.  They only have the power that I've allowed them to have all these years.  I know many other people that have sexual trauma of varying degrees and it's not that easy to get past it.  Everyone is different, we're all different people, and our experiences are all valid.  And therapy is really important. But in my case, E was able to help me let go of my old ghosts. So please don't think that I think that this solution is for everyone, or that I'm belittling your pain. I am looking back at mine over a period of many years.

So trauma:

My new trauma is from the breakup of my marriage.  While I was going through treatment for the pre-cancer in my breast, I was in the process of filing for divorce from my husband.  He wasn't working (yeah, I know, don't say it) and so he was still living in our house with me as his name was on the deed.  He spent those months doing his best to manipulate me into thinking that we should still have a relationship (meaning fuck) even though we were getting divorced.  I didn't fight too hard because I was fighting through treatment, all those scans, then surgery, then 3 weeks of radiation. He was constantly gaslighting me, trying to make me think that I was the one at fault, I was the problem, I was depressed - but I was NOT any of those things!  At one point he lost it when I cut off the sex, got ugly, wouldn't let me leave, made lots of threats, etc. Cops had to come get him but he was out of the house after that. 

I was affected strongly by this at the time but it started to fade after a few weeks.  I stopped jumping at shadows, starting sleeping better, the divorce was finalized by the judge - I was able to move forward because I have a very strong emotional base at this stage of my life.  He dented me a bit but did not break me, as I like to put it.

My OLD trauma was with me far longer than it should have been.  When I was 21 (I'm 53 now) I dropped out of college.  I'd been struggling for years and was depressed, sinking deeper all the time.  I rented a crappy trailer and got a job delivering pizza.  I felt isolated as we had moved to another state after I finished high school, so I didn't have any friends.  I developed a huge crush on a fellow driver around my age, and he took me me home one night.  We hung out a few times with his much older friend (in his forties) and then one night I fucked both of them together.  It was exciting, my first threesome and I think first anal too. BUT then it became a thing, they wanted it every weekend.  I was convinced I was desperately in love with the one guy, so I went back, over and over again until it became something that I would dread. 

Why would I dread it? Well after the first time, they weren't content to just have sex.  They had to drink beer for HOURS before dragging me off to bed.  Lol to this day I have exactly zero patience with whiny drunks, because they would drink and whine for hours about who they used to be, what they used to have, solve the problems of the world, etc.  I would end up with a blinding headache, dry mouth, and just feel lousy by the time they wanted sex. I was a lightweight when it came to drinking - I still am. But I kept going back because I thought I loved the one, and he would call me up and when I didn't want to come over he would say, "but we love you!" Yeah, WE love you.  But I went anyway, insecure young girl that I was.

After they'd drag me off to bed, I had to get them both off or I didn't LOVE them.  And it's really tough to get someone off when they've been downing beers for hours, and then times that by 2.  Then they would try to get me off.  I say try because that's when I learned to fake it.  I was so incredibly tired and thirsty, and my head hurt so bad.  The older one always went down on me.  It ALWAYS hurt.  I would tell him not so hard, it hurts.  He would say, "That don't fuckin hurt, that feels fuckin great and you know it!" and continue to do it.  This went on for about a year before I worked up the courage to walk away. 

So I learned to really hate someone licking my pussy.  It makes me feel intensely vulnerable and I expect it to hurt, so I have trouble spreading my legs for someone to do that.  I actually hated sex in general for several years after that, was already in a black depression, didn't get therapy, etc. etc. But this particular act was the last holdout from that year. I got over the rest over time.

I never got past this because the men that I was with after that were never into it, they were fine not going down on me.  Since they didn't feel like trying, I didn't feel like I had to get over it. 

When E came along I shared my feelings on this with him. See the first paragraph for what he said to me.  He then told me to go out and hike, and stop and think about the past along the way.  Think about how I'm here where I am, and they're long gone.  I'm strong, capable, happy, a competent professional woman, and now I'm finding my place in the BDSM world.  Why let something from so long ago still affect my enjoyment of sex?  He told me to find a way to symbolically let it go.  I went hiking that next afternoon and did just as he said.  I stopped at different points along the way.  I thought about it.  I looked around me at all the beauty of nature.  And I let it all go.  

I thanked E for helping me let it go.  He said you just needed someone to order you to do it.  I agreed.  A therapist would have had me working through how it made me feel.  A friend would have given sympathy.  Neither of those things would push me to move past it. But trusting him and allowing him to help me let it go - that actually worked.

We've discussed several times how I would feel if he went down on me, just checking in really to make sure I'm still good.  And I am.  I look forward to eventually experiencing that either with him, if we are able to get together again, or with a future Dom or Master. 

I told my Dom friend, we'll call him E (I tell him he's a sexy evil man when he gets me going by text and doesn't let me have an orgasm) that I started a blog and that I wrote my first post.  I said it might be too long but I had to give some background.  He read it and enjoyed it.  He said, "Silly girl, it's not long at all. I love to read, you need to put your feelings out there."  I'm used to writing corporate communications, the kind where you write it and edit it several times down to its shortest possible form because senior leaders don't have the mental bandwidth available to absorb more than about 3 facts.

E reminded me that I did a lot of research before starting to chat, and that my blog could help other new subs going through the same process I did. He also suggested some topics and I chose this one.  I wanted to share the first time I felt truly submissive outside of sex.  From posts and profiles that I've read on here and other sites, the point at which a new sub should truly feel submissive for the first time can be a turning point.  It's a point at which some new subs back away.  They could be scared, because that feeling can be a little scary as well as wonderful at the same time and maybe they aren't ready.  Or perhaps they aren't really submissive beyond sex, and that's the point where they realized that they don't want more than sexy fun with someone who is content to dominate them just in the bedroom.  Or they could get defensive and realize that they can't really give up control like they thought they could. So here's my story about the first time I truly felt submissive outside of sex. 

You'll notice that I don't call him sir in my story.  It's not due to lack of respect - I have the utmost respect for him. It's because I don't yet know what I am, so I don't yet know what to call him - Sir, Master, Daddy?? We've discussed and he tries out names for me as well, but we're in no rush for me to decide.  While the destination is admittedly important, enjoying the journey is equally important.

When E and I first began chatting, I knew in my head that I was submissive.  I knew that I wanted to submit sexually, but I also had a feeling that I would need more than a bedroom only type of submission.  I wanted to be able to let go of my worries, work stress, etc. when I was away from my work. 

We chatted almost every evening, first by email. We got to know each other, and E encouraged me to share my sexual fantasies.  I shared, he made me feel that I was normal, and we kept chatting.  We chatted about submission, about sex - I needed some Sex Ed 101 so we discussed my history, he walked me through some things about my body. He helped me let go of past trauma that I was ready to get rid of, and I gave him control of my orgasms - one night I just asked him if he had any instruction for me and that just turned into a nightly thing.  Trust was built, and I enjoyed the sexual side of submission.

Shortly after our first meeting, I had a a really rough day at work, and then my ex called to tell me he had a raging case of covid - 2 days after he showed up at my place to pick up some stuff.  I ended up running him to the ER and dropping him off. 

I went home and messaged E.  I said something like "I'm really stressed out and I need you to distract me." We went back and forth by text for a little bit and I suggested what I needed from him.  He told me to practice the slave positions that he had sent me, spending 4 or 5 minutes in each position, contemplating my servitude. Then when he got home he messaged me again. He wanted to chastise me a little and wanted to know if I knew why. My first response was related to letting my ex get into my head again, but that wasn't it.  Right then I realized it, just as he texted me to ask if I had heard of "topping from the bottom." I felt awful.  I realized that I had demanded that he help me with my stress instead of asking politely.  I apologized and explained what I had done and that it was wrong.  E told me that it wasn't my place to decide what I needed, it was his decision to make, and he would decide what was needed or appropriate for the situation. 

He said it wasn't a huge transgression, but he wanted to catch it early and give me something to think about.  But it was HUGE for me!  I was disappointed in myself for making a mistake.  But when he corrected me, I felt the rightness of that.  It was good that I knew what I had done, but it was HIS place to correct me.  It was HIS place to guide me in my submission.  I felt it in the pit of my stomach and wished that he was closer so that I could kneel at his feet, rest my head on his knee, and feel his hand on my head. As a grown woman, welcoming that correction and taking it to heart was a turning point for me.

But instead of feeling fear and becoming defensive, I took a breath, and let the submission fill me.  At this moment it was no longer about fun and games.  It was no longer just about sex.  It was true submission, and it was real!  Regardless of the length or relative seriousness of our relationship, I respected and trusted this man enough to want to submit to him outside of all of the sexy evenings we had been having so far. 

I also realized that E cared enough to correct me.  That's a sign of a good Dom, that he doesn't just ignore my transgressions just because he's having fun winding me up sexually.  He was truly interested in teaching me, and I knew then that I was truly interested in submitting to him. 

We kept chatting by text and I asked him how I should handle it in the future when I was struggling.  He said just tell him that I'm struggling.  I said, you'll know what I need?  He said yes, a Dom or Master will know what his sub needs. Honestly that was a relief.  It's not second nature to give up control outside of sex when you've been running the show your whole life.  But now I know that I welcome it. 

E reassured me that it wasn't a major transgression, simply my first and he couldn't let it go because I needed to learn.  But he asked me, if I was there with him, and he felt that it warranted a punishment, would I submit?  Would I get the paddle if he ordered me too, and bend over the bed?  I shivered, and said yes.  Yes I would. 

E gave me what I needed that night.  Not just orgasms, but a deep feeling of submissiveness that resonated in my soul.