Under The Whip

I do not recall what group it was posted in but a woman had asked in a submissive forum if as a submissive do you feel more submissive when your dominant does something, says something, touches you etc. They asked does that make you feel more submissive, needy, aroused, etc.

Honestly I enjoyed the entire question. That was just my summary of it but it went into more detail and it made me smile. Mostly because everything she was saying in her writing I was simply nodding and smiling and agreeing in my mind to it all.

So then I scrolled down to the comments. No point in me writing something if someone had already said it. However I was astonished. Every comment said No. The majority of women said they are submissive by nature so nothing makes them feel more than what they already are. Now I understand everyone is different, but still...What?

His footsteps on the wood floor.
The clearing of his throat.
The way he looks at me.
The scent of his cologne.
The way he grabs my hips and pulls me into him.
The way he grips my wrists.
The way he bites me.
His voice when he calls me a good girl.
ALL THE REST!!!

I do NOT understand how this does not make a submissive feel anything at all. How can it not? The very thought of the small list of things they do to me causes my heart to race with mere thoughts upon the topic. So I do not understand and cannot wrap my mind around a submissive saying nothing makes them feel anything becuase they are naturally a submissive. Where is the fire at in your belly? I am a naturally born submissive just as all the rest are. It is not a role I step into like I am acting out a scene.

Sometimes I feel more submissive. Sometimes I feel more eager to serve. Sometimes I am enthusiastic to please them. Sometimes I needy bitch in heat. Sometimes I am so overrun with my desire and slave needs that I am writhing and begging to be used. My masters can look at me a certain way and all I think about is how eager I need to service their pleasure and climb them like a damn mountain.

The fire in my slave belly burns so damn brightly and yes they keep relighting it when they do little things that to them are nothing but to me is everything. I encourage it as well. I inform them how much I love it because I want more of it. I need more of it. I have to have it. Just my master standing in front of me and being able to look up at him and see how broad his shoulders are.....makes me want to kneel right now,

I am not trying to bash on anyone that is not what this writing is about. I know everyone has their own experiences, their own journey, their own stories etc. I am just baffled. Are there really people out here serving a dominant and not feeling alive and free from it? Is being a submissive not liberating for you? For me I understand I can do all the adulting. I can do all the things needed to survive if I had to but damn it I love not having to. I love the control stripped from me and taken care of for me.

I get butterflies when they tell me No.
I feel my belly twist in yearning when they enforce my rules, structure, routines.
FUCK, make me crawl with that lustful look in your eyes.
Tear my panties off with your teeth as you call me your good girl.
Let me be your object, I only ache to serve you.

As much as I know that some submissive are out there serving without feeling these things. I do not think I could ever enter and agree to a dynamic where I do not feel these things. For me it would be robotic servitude and damn it that is not what I want.

Burn me with your dominance!!!

I love moments in a day where I can fall in love with my masters all over again. Usually it is just something small they do, or say, and sometimes it can just be the way the light hits their faces or a look in their eyes that takes my breath away. However tonight it was something else entirely.

My mother is getting up there in age. Not entirely old but with her health detreating She has to have two major surgeries coming up soon. One is so big that there is a good chance she might not survive. I am not sure I am even prepared for that. Still it is her decision to go through with it and thus I have to accept it.

That being said my master Calvin made me fall in love with him all over again. Due to complications my mother is having she tends to not get a lot of nutrients in her diet becuase she has issues eating. So she often feels sick, dizzy, etc. Tonight she was walking out of her bedroom and she began to get dizzy and then she fainted.

My master Calvin wasted no time when he saw this. He rushed over to her threw his body between hers and the floor. He hurt his hip in order to make sure my mother did not get injured. He caught her despite being injured from it. We have hard wood floors so I know it must have hurt to have her entire body weight land on him on the wood floor.

He held her there until she came around. He and my master Damon assessed my mother. They did all the things necessary to see if an ambulance needed to be called. They got her up slowly, checked her vitals, and once she was fully aware of what happened she was better.

Sometimes her sodium drops and so we got her situated with things needed to correct that. They helped her back to bed where she was told to remain there and if she needed assistance to just call us on the phone. So her cell phone will be with her at all times.

I have never seen Calvin react that way with my mother before. I never thought he would. Not that I ever thought him to be a bad person. It is just my mother is not the kindest of people. Still she isn't the most vile of people either. She has her issues and even though it isn't an excuse, I definitely do not want to see her hurt.

I was in a different room when this happened. No one told me what happened until it had passed. Finding out my master Calvin did this just made me fall in love with him all over again. The fact that when I thanked him for rushing there and doing that and he said, "Wouldn't Even Be A Question." just brings tears to my eyes.

My mother has never been extremely nice to him. She does not accept our relationship and is constantly bad mouthing men that I wish sometimes I could just gag her. She frustrates him so much sometimes but he never once allowed that to be a thought in his mind when he caught her. Easily he could have just let her hit the floor and the help her after.

Wouldn't Even Be A Question!

Means that no matter what he has to endure to be with me, it would never be a question from me to ask it of him. That he would never make me ask for something like this. It means that when it comes down to the nitty gritty, despite issues in our dynamic, There Wouldn't Even Be A Question if he was ever going to be unreliable. That I can trust him. That he will protect me and my family without me having to ask and beg him to.

I am safe
I am loved
I am wanted

So I love the moments out of the blue that remind me as to why I fell in love with these men in the first place. It silences all that background noise of stupid shit.

Despite our issues and everyday stresses. I have chosen two amazing men to lead me. I am proud to be their slave. I am honored that I get to live the rest of my life with them, and I am so lucky that I get to fall in love with them all over again each and every day!!!

Many people out there often misunderstand me. I have been a villain in some people's stories. I have been a saint in others. The funny thing is I am both I suppose. I am a reflection, a shiny mirror of your own behavior shining back at you.

I have always been this way. I easily get along with anyone no matter what they believe in, where they come from or their own political standings. I can fit in anywhere and just have pleasant conversation and enjoy my time meeting new people.

I always approach someone for the first time with kindness. I do not know them so I give them the benefit of the doubt to be a good person. It has taken me a long time to learn people are human and make mistakes. Since I was of the mindset if you're an adult you know right from wrong, but my master Damon is the one who has convinced me to give people second chances.

I TRY!!!

Still there are reasons why I am a villain in peoples stories. Those reasons are I will treat you precisely the way you treat me. If you are going to pop off and cross a boundary that I have put into place. I am going to remind you once politely and then clap back after that. Most often I try to redirect you.

Which is what I did yesterday to someone and now I was called RUDE!!!!

The other reasons I become a villain in someone else's story is just because they are being a total asshole and well you get exactly the behavior right back at you becuase submissive or not I am not a door mat and I will be treated respectfully.

PERIOD!!!

The majority of people I encounter I have noticed do not have manners and have never been raised to set boundaries or follow boundaries. In fact I only recently learned of them about four years ago when i started placing boundaries in my life. It was hard at first to do so but once I got the hang of doing so it was much easier.

Enforcing boundaries were hard as well. Sometimes I wonder if I am being to harsh on someone when they violate a boundary but then I have to remind myself if I am lenient and do not keep my word on what will happen when you cross a boundary then I have shown that person they can walk all over me, and yeah....NO....again I am not your doormat and I will not be treated like one.

I am a Gemini, born in May and I have always been a mirror. I give you what you put out there. If you are going to put out into the world that you are a jerk well I am going to remind you that you are one. If you continue to break a boundary I will keep my word and excommunicate you from my life.

I am rude because I told you when you interact with me, it was strictly platonic conversation only. You chose to remind me of how horny you are. I thus redirected you like a dumb fucking toddler to go tell the person you claim you are in love with. If that makes me rude so fucking be it. It will be the inspiration of my new art piece today.

You also don't get to be a dick to me after you have shared some information and I chose to throw that back into your face. I may be rude sometimes when I tell you to stay in your fucking lane, but at least I am not cheating on my wife simply because I cannot tell her I am unhappy and either divorce her or open the marriage.

I am also not Willy Wonka, I am not going to sugar coat anything for you. Cheating on your spouse/partner is NOT a fucking Kink...its VIOLATION OF CONSENT!!!

I might be rude becuase I didn't care about your arousal, but at least I am not lacking integrity and self respect.

So how about grow the fuck up and stop violating peoples boundaries, that way when you meet someone like me, who reflects your behavior, you wont sit there and cry over being treated the way you treat others.

You were Disrespectful, not the other way around!!!

My Inbox Only:

2024 is almost over, so RESPECTFULLY confess something you've wanted to tell me. It will be between us.

~Put this as your status and see who surprises you.~ Hoping I don't regret doing this.

Original challenge can be found here:

https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=117847

"There are a hundred ways to kneel and kiss the ground.” – Rumi

This quote strikes home for me and so hard. I honestly feel that this should be one of the first lessons every submissive should learn. It would save so many heartaches, and headaches for many a submissive in my opinion.

I remember how I felt after I broke my knee back in 2010. It was so difficult to kneel at all. I tore my ACL, me Meniscus, snapped a tendon and now have permanent nerve damage. This is the same leg that I have broken in three places as a child. I have broken this ankle a dozen times. It has been extremely difficult prior to breaking my knee to kneel and now its almost damn near impossible.

Then you cut forward many years and I broke my back in two places from work. My upper left shoulder muscle was torn completely away from my spine. I also herniated a disc in my lower back, so now bending over, walking, kneeling, sitting and even laying down is difficult. I am constantly changing positions, and just dealing with pain.

When I got with Damon I was able to kneel even if it was difficult. I broke my back about six months into our dynamic and relationship. He was there with me through all of it. He never forced me to kneel after I was seriously injured. In fact we changed our entire dynamic because I was in so much pain and agony. To this day I still am but I am living with it.

This had affected my mental health so much. I had lost my way for a very long time. I lost my feeling of being a submissive/slave. I for whatever reason resonated that if I could not kneel before my master then I was less of a submissive. That I in fact just was NOT a submissive. To this day I don't understand why this stuck to me so heavily.

It took much reassurance from my master Damon to get me out of this state. I know deep down not kneeling does not define my submission. Hell not wearing a collar does not make me less of a submissive. They are just symbols. Kneeling is a symbol, a collar, a tattoo, a brand, a piercing, they are all just symbols. They do not define my submission or my heart.

Still why it took me so long to force my brain back into that state I have no idea. Perhaps I was grieving, I do not know. So what I had to learn over again was to adapt my submission around my injuries. There are indeed a hundred ways to kneel. There are so many ways to visualize my submission.

If I cannot kneel in Nadu. Down on my knees, my back straight,, my shoulders back so my breasts are more lifted and beautiful. Thighs widely open for viewing pleasure. My weight back onto my heels as my palms rest there up in open service upon my thighs as I hold my head proudly, revealing my collar, my neck, and keeping my eyes so humble and lowered to the floor. This kills my knees, my lower back, my upper back etc.

Well instead you know what I can do? I can sit on my ass. I can bend my knees up, and keep my legs open in the same way I could in Nadu. I can keep my hands up on my knees. If my back wont allow this poisiotn then I can keep my legs open straight on the floor. Do I need back support and cannot fathom to have my hands open on my thighs? Well lets appear to be braceleted behind my back. In appearance that they are bound I can use my hands on the floor to support my weight while appearing bound.

My legs are in the walk way and taking up to much space. That is fine. I can keep them open and pull my legs in putting my feet together. This allows me to either appear bound to give my back some support or I can still put my hands on my thighs in open servitude. What if this is not possible at all? What if my body won't work that day or even allow me to not be in pain like this?

Well then what if I sit on my side a bit more. Put both of my legs to one side and look adorably attractive on my hip. I could use both of my hands to prop up my body. That is beautiful and I am still low on the ground. Perhaps laying on my belly? Or I could lay flat on my back with my legs open. It matters not that my masters can see my face. What if I cannot be on the floor today? What if that floor is to hard a surface or too cold?

Well my lovies I can get a meditation stool. I can even sit in a chair. The chair offers great support for my back. I can keep my legs open wide and my hands then on my thighs. I can even be tied to a chair with delicious rope and chains. So many good things can be done with a chair. Cannot get into a whipping position on the floor? Cannot stand today bound to a whipping post? Well my chair can do that. I can just turn around in it, press my belly flat against it and just sit there. I can kneel before it if my knees allow and lay across it for support so my ass can be used. Press the chair to the cross and I can be tied to the cross while sitting.

Truth is these positions, these things do not define me as a submissive or as a slave. They do however make it easier to perform. They allow me the chance to still serve while being safe. For example we have a bed that is mechanical. It lifts up at the feet and at the head. The head lifts so far that it can be a ninety degree angle. I was able to kneel on my bed for close to three house, my belly pressed against the mattress that was up. My hands clutching the other side for support. For hours we had a great impact scene. Floggers, canes, paddles, hands all of it. One time during I had to reposition and get a large pillow for under my knees and one for my belly and that was it. It was intense and honestly I felt dumb for not thinking of it before.

The best thing about this is that you do not have to stick to one position. You can design what positions are best for your body. You can have your dominant assist in this so they can say what is attractive. they can tell you when sitting in a chair open your legs this much. Keep your feet flat on the floor or up on your toes with your feet flat against the legs of the chair. You both can name them something unique so when the command is given you know exactly what it means. You can shopw for a chair, a meditation bench, stool, pillows, yoga mats, rugs, etc. That are JUST used for these things only.

That is what I love so much about this lifestyle. It is not cut and dry. It is noy ONE way is the right way. The beauty about positions is I can still express them even in my wheelchair when I have to use it. Cant sit at all today but I can stand for a bit. Well guess what I can express my submission with standing positions. I can design my submission around my needs. Just as you can.

So yes, there is a hundred ways to kneel and kiss the ground. You can decide for you in the moment, what your body needs. You can kiss the ground in the position that your body allows. The act of kissing the ground is what is needed. If you cannot kneel in Obeisance to kiss the ground, well then lay on your belly, on your side, put a pillow under you, use a yoga mat, wear knee pads, do it from a silken cushion, do whatever you need to do. If you cannot make it to the actual floor to kiss the gropund....

Then grab a piece of paper...write ground on it...KISS THE PAPER!!!!!

It is not the actual thing you have to kiss...it is the act. It is the intent. It is the humble loving yearning desire to serve, to be pleasing and obedient. It is the devotion that I will not give up I will find a way to do it attitude that gives me the strength to continue forward to find my submission and visualize it as best as I can. Why do I care if a girl in a picture looks absolutely beautiful kneeling on the ground. The majority of people in BDSM type images are just models anyways. Beautiful as these images are, they do not define submission.

Find your submission. Find your visualization, and remember you are not less of a submissive just because you cannot do these things. Submission is in the intention of your devotion and obedient pleasing servitude. Submission is not you just kneeling before your owner.

You are and always will be submissive even if you cannot kneel and kiss the ground. just find a way to bring the ground to you!!!

Christmas lights are one of my favorite things of the season. Between that, snow and a REAL tree that smells delicious. Throw in a cinnamon candle on top of it and goodness it is heaven for me.

I don't know what it is but there is a bit of peace for me to sit there all the lights in the house off. My one candle going, the lights on my tree glittering in the window as it snows behind it outside. Me curled up in a fuzzy blanket with a hot cup of peppermint hot chocolate. It calms my mind and brings me some inner peace.

Becoming blind has made a lot of things really difficult for me. I can only see five percent out of my left eye. So seeing things is near impossible. However one thing I can really see, and see very well are colorful lights. So despite me not really loving this time of year or the commercialism in it all the one thing I do look forward to seeing is ALL of the lights. Even if I cannot see them one hundred percent clearly I can get a feel for what they all make out. Pair that with music and it creates something very emotional for me.

I honestly do not care how cliche it is to get into your car with your family and drive around to look at all the lights. That was still something I enjoyed doing when we were able to do so as a family growing up. However the best time was Christmas Eve, with my Mema. She and I after all the gifts were under the tree would have Christmas music playing on low,, and would just curl up on the sofa and drink our cocoa as we watch the lights on the tree. That for me has become tradition. Even though the majority of the time I do this now alone since se passed away twenty years ago.

This year it is going to be pretty hard on me. We have decided not to decorate at all. With all the stress we are going through taking care of family members who are ill and just trying to get by day to day, I will not have a tree here to do that with. However that is NOT going to stop me. My masters keep this tradition alive for me now so we will have our hot chocolate and I will have peppermint in it. I can always pull up a video on youtube and listen to music and stare at a Christmas tree on screen, OR I can remain in good spirits and this year we can do our cocoa with a Christmas movie.

Violent Nights
Krampus
Red One
Some animated Christmas movie.
The Christmas movie, Die Hard

I do not know which one we will pick if we opt to do that. Still I have options and honestly I am not sure how I feel not having the proper tradition I usually do. This year has sucked so hard for my family and I, and I am sure for many people everywhere. Still we have taken some new steps forward with our new defined TPE and everything. So as we embark on a newer journey I think it is a good thing to remain optimistic and I think just enjoying the tradition differently this year does not make it a bad thing.

I am going to remain in good spirits on Christmas Eve. I am going to get my hot chocolate. I will have peppermint in it. My Mema will be there in spirit and I will spend the evening offline with my masters and we will just exist and be happy.

So please enjoy these moments. Remember just because a tradition has to change for a small time does not make it bad. Live in the moment and just be as cheerful as you can be. For me it is the simple things this year.

When I first started my journey back in 2003 I was told as a submissive that I was to be obedient no matter what. That a command given was the voice of God and even if I did not like something I had to do it, no matter what it was. This type of behavior went on for much of my time before I was mentored.

When I say I was a little shit in the past. I am not wrong. I have done things I should not have done, one being not getting my way as a submissive so ending the dynamic and calling them that shitty narrative "Fake Dom" bullshit. Yes I was also at one time part of that problem.

The other times I ended dynamics because I just could not fathom doing what they told me to do. I still had not been educated enough about hard limits, soft limits, safewords etc. I always felt like I was the problem and I just could not find a good dominant that would be the right one for me. That wasn't the actual issue.

I was in the thinking pattern that the dominants knew everything. They were in charge and so my education as a submissive should be taught to me by them. That is first off not true. I had a responsibility to educate myself. I did not learn any of this until my mentor Sir Seven.

Still after he taught me that I can say, "No!" and I am allowed limits, and safewords to make sure that I am playing safely both physically and emotionally. I was still finding it hard to even have agency for myself. I did not call my safewords in moments I still should have.

Yet, why did I do this? Even if I knew it was alright to do so? Honestly I sit here and still shake my head to the person I used to be. So many mistakes and times I was so naive and pretty much a doormat. Once that knowledge was processed and I found myself in a dynamic with my master Damon. I still did not call the words right away.

Pride
Guilt
Fear

I was to proud. I did not want to be seen as a fluffy submissive. I wanted to prove I can be super hardcore and do all the things no matter how much it hurt or if I felt sick.

That made me unsafe to play with!!!

I felt so much guilt. Did I not want this? Did I not ask for this? If Damon was willing to take time out to do these things with me and we were both enjoying ourselves, then hell I did not want to be the one to end things and ruin the fun. I did not want him to think or feel as though I wasted his time.

That made me unsafe to play with!!!

I was fearful that if I called my safeword he would walk out the door and never want to play with me again or even be my dominant. I was fearful as well that he would be so angrry with me for doing such.

This made me unsafe to play with!!!

It took me some time with Damon to safeword. I understand today that it was not fair to him to not safeword. He wanted us to have a good time. He wanted us to be safe. He wanted me to explore and truly find what made me happy as a submissive while learning what made him happy as my dominant and sadist. How was I doing that if I was secretly betraying us both?

I know much of why I did these things stems from trauma. How I was always the problem when I did not like something. I recall one time telling a dominant that owned me that I did not like doing a certain thing. He actually left me saying well if I wasn't going to do what he wanted then he was bored with me and would go find someone to do it with.

That was painful and I was worried Damon would be the same way. That is still not an excuse. Abandonment issues, trust issues, past trauma of any sort if not an excuse to hide things from your partner.

So I had to learn. The first step was talking with Damon. I confirmed how I was struggling with using my safewords and the reasons why. He was a bit upset because he felt he violated me and we had to work through all of that. Then we implemented me having to safeword. He would command me verbally...Safeword. So I would. Then he would reassure me that he isn't mad at me. He never pushed me to the point where I had no option but to safeword either.

Then during one scene I safeworded freely. We stopped, put the stuff away and he gave me some aftercare and told me he was proud of me for doing such. Honestly that was the first time I found my voice as a submissive. It was the first time I truly felt safe, loved and cherished.

I am now able to safeword IF I need to. Both of my masters do not get angry with me for it. They are not upset, disappointed, or hurt. I advocate for people to do so now and to never feel guilty for doing it.

Using a safeword does not make you weak. It just means you are human and you have limitations. That does not make you less of a person. It just sets a boundary for play. It makes you safe and fun to play with.

It is a journey and even though there are some people out there who just do not desire to use safewords for their play because of their reasons and that is okay. Safewords are used in my dynamic. It is the one way I can keep myself safe, and also keep my masters safe.

Even my masters have safewords, which they actually use. So I am proud of them.

Still this is my journey as I have said and in my journey I have found agency for myself. I have found beauty in being safe. I have found a deeper meaning in my submission and I have found peace and home where I am with my master.

We haven't had a chance this holiday season to go and do some of the things we often like to do in regards to charity this holiday season. I have written it before we often like to sponsor a family or do the Angel trees and such but this year we have had to take a step back and devote our time to our family to take care of elderly sick family members.

However I did do one thing which was send a birthday and Christmas card to a little girl that I saw on TikTok. Apparently her maternal grandmother passed away a year ago and would always send her a card. Her father is currently in prison and they had to go no contact for safety reasons and due to that his family has disowned them. It is tragic. Still all this little girl has wanted was cards. So we sent her some. I do not know why I felt so compelled to do so. I just had to. I am unsure if she will get them all before Christmas but it will get there and she will have them. Everyone in my house signed the cards and wrote something inside for her. So I am just happy if it just puts a small smile on her face.

One thing that we did by Proxy through my master Damon was we had made a bunch of fudge and toffee for him to take to work. He was having an office party so that was his contribution. However the majority of people did not show up so four pounds of candy was going to go to waste.

UNTIL

A woman who was new at his work was talking to him and we found out that her mother passed away a year ago as well and one thing she did every year for them was make fudge. So Damon asked if she wanted to take all of it home. She was happy to. The woman cried and said this would be a happy memory for her and her children.

It does not take much at all to put a smile on someone's face. To lend a helping hand or just be a shoulder for someone to cry on. I think that is one reason I have a hard time during this time of year. Sometimes it feels as though it lacks a bit of real genuine feeling. Why arent people doing these things all year around? I don't know I just know that I find the holidays to be far more enjoyable when I am doing for others then worrying about if anyone is doing for me.

Please get out there at some point. Donate your time to chartiies. Help out homeless people, purchase a gift for an Angel kid, sponsor a family, make a meal for someone, bake cookies for neighbors, donate supplies to schools, just SOMETHING. Something that is selfless and that you do not gain anything from and you aren't seeking a pat on the back.

Besides isn't this the whole meaning of this time of year?

I went to the class:

Bound To Match - Introduction To Finding Your Perfect Match Within the LGBTQIA+ Focused Community - Presented by my dear friend Kai

It was a very well put together workshop that she did about how to present yourself online and finding a good match in the romantic world and the world of BDSM. One thing I really liked is how Kai spoke about needing to list your intention on your profile. It needs to be clear.

"Intention Should Reflect Your Purpose." - Kai

I agree with her there. Your intention should reflect what it is you are truly wanting, looking for, needing, and then it should share the expectations of what you expect in return to fully experience happiness in these dynamics and relationships. Honestly I think she is spot on there. Regardless of the people who lack any social etiquette, the people who are genuine will read your entire profile. So having that information is pertinent to them contacting you.

One thing I do feel she could have touched based on and she might in the future since she will be having more of these workshops, so I might be jumping the gun here, but some good advice for profiles as well is to make your profile a postive read. You attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Kai did speak about how you should make your profile reflect who you are as a person. Giving them a glimpse to your personality. You want people to be attracted to how lovely of a person you truly are. So it is always good to have some good information about yourself as well. Though it is not necessary to give into novel long descriptions of yourself, but short and sweet clear cut information is a good place to start. Plus as Kai said, as you grow as a person, your profile will change over time. Which leads us to the next topic as well. This is one that is very dear to my heart.

BE WHO YOU SAY YOU ARE!!!

This means that how your profile looks, what it says. How you speak in groups on any social media platform. The messages you send people, DMs, instant messaging on apps, should ALL reflect who you actually are in real life, in person face to face. I for one do NOT appreciate a catfish.

For me one of my biggest peeve is a fake person. I understand you enjoy portraying this person that you feel like you COULD be, or you WANT to be. Instead own who you are right now. No one in this world is perfect. We are all on different levels of our journeys. If you do not just own your truth, and hold yourself accountable for your faults and you are constantly showing that your word does not match your actions, then in my opinion you have no business being here, or being my friend.

That is my opinion NOW. We all know back in the day I was a little shit. I was that person. I used to be fake. I used to put on my best submissive behavior in front of people, online where it was safe. I had NO consequences behind a computer screen. You know where that left me?

Fucking Lonely!!!

No one wants someone who lies. No one wants someone who is a complete phony. Eventually your lack of honesty will come forward. Eventually you will lose good people who truly care for you because they will get tired of you not keeping your word. They will get tired of your lack of maturity. They will tire of you making them look bad in public becuase you cannot compete with your own damn words.

For example: I can roleplay a pretty slave girl. I may not be a Nobel prize winner with my writing. I do not publish books. However I believe my writing is decent enough. I am a great role-player. When I roleplay as a slave and we get to a part where I have to beg. I can roleplay beg and type all the nasty, humiliating, humbling words.

On the flip side face to face. I have the hardest time forming a complete sentence other than please let me, or please my master. It is not something I am very skilled in. I often over think things. I am so embarrassed and I never know what they are looking for in my words so I tend to stutter and feel so ignorant that I just feel like my brain stops working.

The difference here for me is that I OWN that lack of skill. I inform my partners I am willing to beg. I am willing to be trained how to beg. I am honest. I let them know that I personally feel like I suck. I tell them how I fail, how I overthink, how I feel so damn stupid. I never used to tell people that way. I would just shut down.

Moral of the entire story and writing here is just be who you are. In all of your strange quirky goodness. The people who dont like you or respect you for it dont matter. Those are not the people you want to have in your life anyways. The people who will accept you for who you are in all your messy honesty are the good ones. Those are the people who will be your ride or dies. I ramble so much and maybe I got lost in this writing, I do not know. Just love yourself more than other people. Fuck the ones who want to hate you for being authentic.

Also to Kai, So proud of you for hosting this. I know how stressful it can be to stand up before a bunch of people, in person and online and present a topic/class/workshop. Not everyone will ever fully agree with you and some might walk away having learned nothing. Do not ever let any of the negativity stop you from this amazing journey of teaching. You have done well with your first one and I know you will do even better t at the next one and eventually this will come so naturally that you will be a strong force out there with everyone gazing at you in wonder for your wisdom to be taught to them! Thank you for your time and energy here. It was well worth it.

So todays activity was just a fun one in celebration of the holidays. Baking annual Christmas cookies. Fortunately my daughter did that already. Chocolate Chip, Snickerdoodles, Molasses, and I believe in a day or two my daughter is making more. Not going to lie my all time favorite cookies are Peanut Butter, however she has made me fall in love with Snicker Doodles, and then just now her Molasses cookies have become my favorite. In fact I do believe both of my masters fell in love with them as well.

However my master Damon had a work part and he had to bring stuff for it. So my master Calvin got to making his infamous fudge recipes and I thew in some batches of Toffee. Granted my master Calvin the amazing chef and baker he is did most of the cooking but I did help. The Toffee is my recipe, and let me tell you. It turned out so well I didnt want Damon to take it to work. However luckily it is simple to make and we can just make another batch which will likely be the one set to perfection.

English Toffee is my favorite candy in the entire world. It is my favorite anything, it can be dipped in chocolate. It can be crushed up into your coffee, it is perfect for toppings on ice cream, yogurt, etc. I will be buying molds to make mine into perfect little candy shapes next time. However the majority is just the shattered glass that we make. It is tasty and I end up making about eight to ten pounds of it during this time of year.

I will be making some soon to ship out to a friend or two along with my masters chocolate and peanut butter fudge. We are so excited that we get this chance to do all of that. Plus with the Toffee recipe we did try something new and I feel like I died and went to heaven. It was tastier than the original recipe.

Not many people on here know that I am a self taught baker. When my daughter was young she had a dream of being a baker so I went all out. I learned how to bake,, how to frost cakes, cupcakes, candy, etc. I learned how to pipe frosting, which by the way sucked so badly. I got her the entire piping kits, etc. We would bake every weekend. I took pictures of everything we ever made. My Chocolate Ganache recipe is fantastic but since I have become blind I havent really enjoyed being able to bake, or cook.

It does make me sad not being able to do these things all on my own anymore but I am grateful that my master Calvin is passionate about cooking and baking. He takes my recipes and he recreates them. My Italian Fried Chicken was one of them that Damon really really missed but Calvin made it one night and Damon was so happy. He said it wasnt exactly the same taste as mine but I am grateful that I can still teach the recipes and it can still be used.

So I may not always be able to cook and being blind my recipes may not always come out perfect anymore but at least I know they wont die. At least I know I have passed them off to my daughter and she has grown as a baker, and my master Calvin uses them and we can still enjoy the good food. With him doing this I do not have to grieve anymore feeling like I lost all the joy of that, because we still get to use them.

So making Toffee, Christmas Cookies, Etc. Has been humbling this year but it has been really fun. Especially watching my master Calvin teach our nephew how to make the Toffee as well. How proud they all are when it comes out well and not burnt.