Under The Whip

We haven't had a chance this holiday season to go and do some of the things we often like to do in regards to charity this holiday season. I have written it before we often like to sponsor a family or do the Angel trees and such but this year we have had to take a step back and devote our time to our family to take care of elderly sick family members.

However I did do one thing which was send a birthday and Christmas card to a little girl that I saw on TikTok. Apparently her maternal grandmother passed away a year ago and would always send her a card. Her father is currently in prison and they had to go no contact for safety reasons and due to that his family has disowned them. It is tragic. Still all this little girl has wanted was cards. So we sent her some. I do not know why I felt so compelled to do so. I just had to. I am unsure if she will get them all before Christmas but it will get there and she will have them. Everyone in my house signed the cards and wrote something inside for her. So I am just happy if it just puts a small smile on her face.

One thing that we did by Proxy through my master Damon was we had made a bunch of fudge and toffee for him to take to work. He was having an office party so that was his contribution. However the majority of people did not show up so four pounds of candy was going to go to waste.

UNTIL

A woman who was new at his work was talking to him and we found out that her mother passed away a year ago as well and one thing she did every year for them was make fudge. So Damon asked if she wanted to take all of it home. She was happy to. The woman cried and said this would be a happy memory for her and her children.

It does not take much at all to put a smile on someone's face. To lend a helping hand or just be a shoulder for someone to cry on. I think that is one reason I have a hard time during this time of year. Sometimes it feels as though it lacks a bit of real genuine feeling. Why arent people doing these things all year around? I don't know I just know that I find the holidays to be far more enjoyable when I am doing for others then worrying about if anyone is doing for me.

Please get out there at some point. Donate your time to chartiies. Help out homeless people, purchase a gift for an Angel kid, sponsor a family, make a meal for someone, bake cookies for neighbors, donate supplies to schools, just SOMETHING. Something that is selfless and that you do not gain anything from and you aren't seeking a pat on the back.

Besides isn't this the whole meaning of this time of year?

I went to the class:

Bound To Match - Introduction To Finding Your Perfect Match Within the LGBTQIA+ Focused Community - Presented by my dear friend Kai

It was a very well put together workshop that she did about how to present yourself online and finding a good match in the romantic world and the world of BDSM. One thing I really liked is how Kai spoke about needing to list your intention on your profile. It needs to be clear.

"Intention Should Reflect Your Purpose." - Kai

I agree with her there. Your intention should reflect what it is you are truly wanting, looking for, needing, and then it should share the expectations of what you expect in return to fully experience happiness in these dynamics and relationships. Honestly I think she is spot on there. Regardless of the people who lack any social etiquette, the people who are genuine will read your entire profile. So having that information is pertinent to them contacting you.

One thing I do feel she could have touched based on and she might in the future since she will be having more of these workshops, so I might be jumping the gun here, but some good advice for profiles as well is to make your profile a postive read. You attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Kai did speak about how you should make your profile reflect who you are as a person. Giving them a glimpse to your personality. You want people to be attracted to how lovely of a person you truly are. So it is always good to have some good information about yourself as well. Though it is not necessary to give into novel long descriptions of yourself, but short and sweet clear cut information is a good place to start. Plus as Kai said, as you grow as a person, your profile will change over time. Which leads us to the next topic as well. This is one that is very dear to my heart.

BE WHO YOU SAY YOU ARE!!!

This means that how your profile looks, what it says. How you speak in groups on any social media platform. The messages you send people, DMs, instant messaging on apps, should ALL reflect who you actually are in real life, in person face to face. I for one do NOT appreciate a catfish.

For me one of my biggest peeve is a fake person. I understand you enjoy portraying this person that you feel like you COULD be, or you WANT to be. Instead own who you are right now. No one in this world is perfect. We are all on different levels of our journeys. If you do not just own your truth, and hold yourself accountable for your faults and you are constantly showing that your word does not match your actions, then in my opinion you have no business being here, or being my friend.

That is my opinion NOW. We all know back in the day I was a little shit. I was that person. I used to be fake. I used to put on my best submissive behavior in front of people, online where it was safe. I had NO consequences behind a computer screen. You know where that left me?

Fucking Lonely!!!

No one wants someone who lies. No one wants someone who is a complete phony. Eventually your lack of honesty will come forward. Eventually you will lose good people who truly care for you because they will get tired of you not keeping your word. They will get tired of your lack of maturity. They will tire of you making them look bad in public becuase you cannot compete with your own damn words.

For example: I can roleplay a pretty slave girl. I may not be a Nobel prize winner with my writing. I do not publish books. However I believe my writing is decent enough. I am a great role-player. When I roleplay as a slave and we get to a part where I have to beg. I can roleplay beg and type all the nasty, humiliating, humbling words.

On the flip side face to face. I have the hardest time forming a complete sentence other than please let me, or please my master. It is not something I am very skilled in. I often over think things. I am so embarrassed and I never know what they are looking for in my words so I tend to stutter and feel so ignorant that I just feel like my brain stops working.

The difference here for me is that I OWN that lack of skill. I inform my partners I am willing to beg. I am willing to be trained how to beg. I am honest. I let them know that I personally feel like I suck. I tell them how I fail, how I overthink, how I feel so damn stupid. I never used to tell people that way. I would just shut down.

Moral of the entire story and writing here is just be who you are. In all of your strange quirky goodness. The people who dont like you or respect you for it dont matter. Those are not the people you want to have in your life anyways. The people who will accept you for who you are in all your messy honesty are the good ones. Those are the people who will be your ride or dies. I ramble so much and maybe I got lost in this writing, I do not know. Just love yourself more than other people. Fuck the ones who want to hate you for being authentic.

Also to Kai, So proud of you for hosting this. I know how stressful it can be to stand up before a bunch of people, in person and online and present a topic/class/workshop. Not everyone will ever fully agree with you and some might walk away having learned nothing. Do not ever let any of the negativity stop you from this amazing journey of teaching. You have done well with your first one and I know you will do even better t at the next one and eventually this will come so naturally that you will be a strong force out there with everyone gazing at you in wonder for your wisdom to be taught to them! Thank you for your time and energy here. It was well worth it.

So todays activity was just a fun one in celebration of the holidays. Baking annual Christmas cookies. Fortunately my daughter did that already. Chocolate Chip, Snickerdoodles, Molasses, and I believe in a day or two my daughter is making more. Not going to lie my all time favorite cookies are Peanut Butter, however she has made me fall in love with Snicker Doodles, and then just now her Molasses cookies have become my favorite. In fact I do believe both of my masters fell in love with them as well.

However my master Damon had a work part and he had to bring stuff for it. So my master Calvin got to making his infamous fudge recipes and I thew in some batches of Toffee. Granted my master Calvin the amazing chef and baker he is did most of the cooking but I did help. The Toffee is my recipe, and let me tell you. It turned out so well I didnt want Damon to take it to work. However luckily it is simple to make and we can just make another batch which will likely be the one set to perfection.

English Toffee is my favorite candy in the entire world. It is my favorite anything, it can be dipped in chocolate. It can be crushed up into your coffee, it is perfect for toppings on ice cream, yogurt, etc. I will be buying molds to make mine into perfect little candy shapes next time. However the majority is just the shattered glass that we make. It is tasty and I end up making about eight to ten pounds of it during this time of year.

I will be making some soon to ship out to a friend or two along with my masters chocolate and peanut butter fudge. We are so excited that we get this chance to do all of that. Plus with the Toffee recipe we did try something new and I feel like I died and went to heaven. It was tastier than the original recipe.

Not many people on here know that I am a self taught baker. When my daughter was young she had a dream of being a baker so I went all out. I learned how to bake,, how to frost cakes, cupcakes, candy, etc. I learned how to pipe frosting, which by the way sucked so badly. I got her the entire piping kits, etc. We would bake every weekend. I took pictures of everything we ever made. My Chocolate Ganache recipe is fantastic but since I have become blind I havent really enjoyed being able to bake, or cook.

It does make me sad not being able to do these things all on my own anymore but I am grateful that my master Calvin is passionate about cooking and baking. He takes my recipes and he recreates them. My Italian Fried Chicken was one of them that Damon really really missed but Calvin made it one night and Damon was so happy. He said it wasnt exactly the same taste as mine but I am grateful that I can still teach the recipes and it can still be used.

So I may not always be able to cook and being blind my recipes may not always come out perfect anymore but at least I know they wont die. At least I know I have passed them off to my daughter and she has grown as a baker, and my master Calvin uses them and we can still enjoy the good food. With him doing this I do not have to grieve anymore feeling like I lost all the joy of that, because we still get to use them.

So making Toffee, Christmas Cookies, Etc. Has been humbling this year but it has been really fun. Especially watching my master Calvin teach our nephew how to make the Toffee as well. How proud they all are when it comes out well and not burnt.

I grew up in complete chaos. My house was so loud and obnoxious. You had to over talk people, cut them off to say anything, and the music or television was turned up louder and louder to drown out the people talking. On top of that there was a house of nothing but anger.

So at the age of 20 I moved away from my family and to Seattle I went. I moved in with my boyfriend at the time and I spent a good five years with him and his family. It was like moving to an alien planet. His family were very quiet people. It was the first time I ever spent the majority of my time not talking above a whisper. There were days I did not even talk at all.

I learned the appreciation for silence.

Honestly I learned the first steps here to communicate without having to cut people off. I tried my best to practice that but it was still too soon for me to break free from my habits. What I learned the most was I did not want to live in total chaos anymore in my life. I found the first parts of foundation to the kind of life I want to live.

Now that I am back with part of my family taking care of them with my masters I have been thrown back into the chaos. It is loud here on most days and on the days it isnt I feel stressed out from the triggers of my childhood. The house we live in here is open concept so when I see everyone in the kitchen just talking normal it throws me into a panic. It makes me angry that they do this and honestly it shouldnt.

Being back here makes me miss Seattle so badly. Though my masters are amazing. When my parents are having bad days. Bipolar/Dementia days they just have me put on my headphones and tell me tune it all out with a movie or music while they deal with it and get the house back in order. I appreciate them for protecting my peace. It does definitely show me they care so much about me.

I do not thrive in chaos and stressful situations. So I am learning that speaking softer will help me to not only sound more submissive but it will help tone down conversations around me to help lower the noise and chaos.

It makes me so eager to finally move with my masters to PA, and get set up in our new home. Silence is and always will be a peaceful virtue. It will always be something I cherish. So I am glad to spend today in speaking softer. To lower the chaos of the season. To chase away my chaotic thoughts and bring back my inner peace.

“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’
‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.
‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.
‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’
‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit bybit?’
‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out
and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter
at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t
understand.” ― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

I have been in the lifestyle since 2003. However I did not take it at all seriously until 2014. I had many potential dominants within those 11 years. I had been on and off again with 2 of them. However we all know when a submissive is not taking it seriously it is NEVER their fault right? It is always now a FAKE dom situation.

We know that when the submissive doesnt get their way, and they stomp their foot and the master puts his foot down, then the submissive can now go call them a fake dom and storm off in a righteous manner.

I mean I did that so often and I was validated by so many people. That what I did was right and they shouldn't have treated me that way and yada yada keep just being who I am and doing these things. Instead of telling me I was a little shit and I was not being obedient and pleasing.

I don't know how it happened but in 2014 I ended up meeting someone named Sir Seven. I had just ended a dynamic with someone after I was hurt in real life. I was on the verge of leaving BDSM, and the lifestyle. He took me under his wing and mentored me. He was direct, and was not into just telling me what I wanted to hear. He told me the truth and I think this was the right time for me. I was completely receptive and I was emotionally growing.

Honestly Seven told me he never though I would be able to be a submissive because my personality is so dominant. I wont lie it is not easy all the time for me. I just make it look easy but really it is hard for me to shut my mouth. Which is the number one thing that makes seems to get me into trouble, or makes it hard for people to understand me. I am very blunt, direct and honestly need to have tact beaten into me.

I am honestly not sure if Seven was saying that becuase hefelt it was true, or if he was trying to bring out my stubborn side which would prove him wrong. Either way I graduated from his mentoring program. I ended up staying at his house as a submissive there and assisted in training other submissives. I was used a demo submissive for dominants to practice with and it was a really good time in my life for me.

Seven taught me how to vette people. He taught me that my needs are the most important thing and are not negotiable. He was the first dominant that told me I could in fact say NO to a dominant and call and use a safe word. I had so many good moments with him and these lovely people. It was the main turning point in my life and my submission.

I do not think that I would be where I am today without his guidance. Do I know everything in the world about BDSM? Absolutely not. I can go to BDSM 101 classes still and learn something new.

I do believe that because Seven told me the truth no matter how hurtful it might have been, he helped me change for the better and I think he prepared me so well to be apart of a healthy dynamic and who would have thought an entire year later I met my current master Damon. He and I have officially been together 9 years. Six years into that dynamic we opened up and Calvin arrived.

None of this would have ever been possible without Sir Seven taking a chance on me.

The proverb "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" originated in England in the 12th century.

I have been a mentor in the kink community for nearly ten years. I mostly educate on kink and submissive behavior and education. I am not an expert and there are things I still dont know and that is why I say if you need a mentor make sure you get a few not just one. I also always advise to take my advice and was of doing things with a grain of salt and pick and choose what works for you. I was a teacher as well for a few years before life went a different direction. Still even a teacher knows you will always keep learning it never ends.

I have a degree in psychology, forensic science and criminal justice. I often get people that come to me for advice and for help or just to vent to and that is usually alright with me. However the narrative for me lately has been asking me for advice then dont take it, then come back and ask the same advice just to not take it again.

For example: Hey Ava, can you help me figure out a diet and exercise routine to help me lose weight?

Me: Sure, here is what I do. Though I would suggest speaking to your doctor to confirm you can do these things safely first.

Them a month later talking to me while eating an entire bag of chips or cookies, "I dont know why I am gaining weight with this routine you have me doing"

Reasons like that above keep happening. It is my fault for not setting boundaries with people. I have sacrificed my peace for far too long for people who do not care to stop being lazy or want to remain stuck in victim mentality. I normally have no issue being a good person and friend if you need one, but the audacity of people who just do not want to put the work in, is astounding to me.

So I will be putting my foot down from now on. If you arent going to help yourself, then why should I invest my time and energy for you? If you arent willing to see your faults in the mirror and work to fix them so you can find a healthy dynamic and relationship, then dont bother asking me for help.

I am not going to sit here and pull information out of you as if I am fishing for Moby Dick. If you arent going to open up, change, grow, then stop coming to me with your issues. You arent going to take my advice or help anyways, so you can simply google your answer. The AI will likely give you the same answer anyways.

So here is my final advice

Educate yourself.
Realize you are part of the problem.
Get professional help.
Emotional Maturity needs to be achieved.
Stop being in victim mentality.
Stop being lazy.
Stop procrastinating.
Open the fuck up and stop hiding.
Be honest with yourself and stop lying.
If all you came to do is bitch about everything instead of fixing your situation, the door is over there.

I know it sounds harsh, and it is likely a very unpopular opinion but honestly I do not care. We are all grown adults here and people need to start acting like it, instead of crying for a pity party.

Besides I am not Willy Wonka and I reuse to ever sugarcoat anything for anyone.

Now if you are serious about growing and changing as a person and actually are reespectful of someone's peace of mind and their time and you are truly seeking advice or help, then by all means my DMs are open.

So I am constantly praising people from my past that have helped me along my journey. My mentor Sir Seven, my masters, friends, etc. So many people that I am so grateful for along this long road I have been on for so long.

However today I want to thank someone new. She is someone I met randomly in a group on fetlife. We were both seeking friends, but I answered a question she had asked in the group, and we just hit it off. We realized we had so much in common.

She has been someone I have been getting close to and confiding in. As my masters and I began to redefine our TPE she has been a blessing. SHe has given me some sound advice as her daddy has as well. One in particular is I have to just be silent. Do not remind my masters to do anything unless they command me to remind them.

Damn near impossible for me to do!

However she had a point. If I constantly remind them to do the things that are their responsibility then how are they going to grow as people and dominants? Just as I fail sometimes and must learn and grow from that, they too have to be given the opportunity to succeed or fail as well. It made me stop and think about it and she was right.

As hard as it is for me to do I have been doing it. This does not stop me from getting angry for certain things. However it has helped me to realize that with my reminding them when they never commanded me to, I was not giving up my control. In a way I was taking the control to ensure things that mattered to me were done on time. So yes I do get angry still but I am a work in progress.

So here is to Sophie, Thank you so much for coming into my life. You have become such a great friend to me and your wisdom and advice has given me new perspective plus have given me some hope that I can grow and adapt to my new dynamic TPE and be successful in it.

Sophie, you are amazing and I love and cherish you so much!!!

"When negotiating a scene or even talking with others about a potential scene, remember your disability doesn't make you broken, it just means you have to take extra steps for your scenes to happen and that's ok. There is nothing wrong with that happening as it protects everyone and gives a better scene to happen" - @PBKane

I was at the HouseofKane's Disabilities and Kink discussion today. It was a new one I hadnt been to before and I did not know everyone. Though I did learn a few things. Enough to improve more of my own dynamic and scene play with my masters.

I learned far too late that even in my 24/7 dynamic when it comes to S&M play, impact play, etc. That you still need to negotiate your scene, and aftercare. it is incredibly important that you indicate exactly how you are feeling emotionally, mentally, and physically. So that the scene can be tailored around all of these things. Not just for the submissive but the dominant as well.

My masters and I have come to the understanding that negotiations help ease us in and out of the scene Instead of how we used to do it, where it was just do whatever you want if I need to call a safeword I will. Now I understand some people prefer it this way, but I can tell you for us, the experience has enhanced when we use neegotiation first.

How We Negotiate

Negotiate the kind of scene we will be having.

Talk about Emotional, Mental, Physical ailments for the day.
Talk about the risks that might come out of the scene. Emotional Risks - Share concerns and past experiences that might come up during the scene.

Negotiate toys that will be used. (Once scene starts nothing new will ever be added).

Explain expectations of the scene and what you are hoping to get out of it.

Physical Safety Measures, IE safety sheers, water, first aid kit, etc.

Negotiate Safe words and Non verbal signals.

Negotiate if any sex will be happening during or after the scene.

Negotiate Aftercare

When I say negotiate it is for both sides of the slash. Dominants are entitled to aftercare as well. No matter how it looks or what it might be. People also need to remember that aftercare is YOUR responsibility. Not the responsibility of the person playing with you. It is your duty to ensure you get aftercare the way you need it. If the person you are playing with cannot provide said aftercare then it is your duty to make sure you have someone that can provide it, if you need aftercare with another person.

So one of my reasons for writing this was one to help people out who are new. This is how my masters and I do things, it is certainly not the ONLY way to do things. However the quote I posted at the top was seriously endearing to me. Being blind and disabled I always feel like a burden and completely broken. Despite the constant reassurance from my masters telling me I am not any of those things. It is just nice to have another person in the world out there say it just as much as my masters do.

I am sure plenty of people who suffer a physical/mental disability out there feel the same way. That we are deformed, defected, a burden, broken people. When really we aren't. Like he said, we just need to take an extra step to get where we need to be going.

So I greatly appreciate all the people out there who are hosting these disabled and kinky events and classes to help the disabled kink community who lack a place of belonging. It also brings awareness to those who lack the knowledge on how to make their kink spaces more disability friendly so it can be inclusive to all types of people.

As a reminder if you know someone in kink or hell not even in kink that is disabled and you want to include them in events, or something you are hosting. Please just ask them. Ask them the best ways you can go about making the area more safe and friendly for them to get around and to do things. I promise you they will appreciate it so much.

We are supposed to sit and reflect on the submissive prayer today. However that has never resonated to me. For one it is in its own way mocking the actual prayer to which it was taken and changed. I do not believe that is something we should be doing. I know for others they wont agree but this is just how I feel. I may not be religious but I do not believe that desecrating someone's religion is apropriate behavior.

So I have my own ritual/prayer that I prefer. We have played with the wording of it, and by we I mean, my masters and I both have. It is a beautiful ritual. Like I said I am not extremely fond of prayers but rituals now that is something I can definitely get behind. To me this could be my prayer. Though to others it is just a ritual, or affirmations.

Regardless my masters and I have constructed this to fit our needs, and I say these words everyday. They help to put me in the proper headspace. They help ground me completely in my submission. Sometimes if I am having a really tough day I can repeat them repeatedly throughout the day.

The best part is my masters are included in the ritual. They speak the words and I echo them. It is intimate , it is a bonding moment, it is a grounding moment, it is I am theirs, and they chose me just as I have chosen them. I think it just bring me back to my heart and soul and brings me back home to them so easily. These are words that pull me from my darkness and back into the light.

I am my Masters' slave
I belong to Them.
I live to serve them.
I am their beautiful treasure.
I will make them proud.
I will be open and honest with them.
My deepest desire is to please them.
I surrender completely.
I willingly give up my control. They will give me what I need.
I am obedient and respectful.
I choose to obey.
I come before them, offering my submission.
I am proud to wear their collar.
I trust they will guide and teach me.
I am grateful for their guidance.
I am here to be used by them, in any way they desire.
I am their slut.
I know my safe words and I will use them whenever they are needed, but not earlier.
I will keep my masters informed about my body.
I know they will protect me.
I surrender, because I am safe.
I trust them with my heart, body, mind and soul.
I aim to be pleasing with all that I say and do.
They love me for who I am.
They chose me and I chose them.
I am always striving to be obedient and pleasing.
It is ok to have fun and enjoy myself.
It is ok to make mistakes and to learn from them.

What is a slave girl?

A girl who is owned
Who owns you?

I belong to my masters.
La kajira!!!

For me this is my prayer. This is my truth. It might sound silly to others, but the beauty is, is that my masters and I can do our dynamic and relationship however we want and no one can say a word. So long as we are happy and it is consensual then they are my Gods. They are my religion. They are the altar I pray to. They always will be and no one can tell me anything different.

Also those who noticed yes there is a little bit of Gorean mixed in. My masters and I adore and love Gor for all of its beauty that it offers. We take from Gor the parts that represent and mean something to our hearts and soul. So yes, you will find very much in my dynamic I have so many parts of Gor in my life. I am proud to have it.

Our Needs Reclaimed

“The paradox is that the needs of the master are not, in fact, superior to the needs of the submissive. Rather, they share equal importance.” – Kacie Cunningham

My Needs That Are Currently Being Met:

Clear and Honest Communication

- Trust
- Reassurance
- Transparency
- A sense of belonging to and being possessed.
- Clear and Regular Routines
- A 24/7 TPE Dynamic.
- Mutual Respect
- Established and Clear consequences for bad behavior and unsatisfactory service.
- Reinforcement of good behavior and service.
- Preferred Expressions of Affection

My Needs That Are Kind Of Being Met:

- Sex to completion of Big O - Sometimes
- Sexual Physical Touch

My Needs That Still Need To Be Met In The Future:

- Quality Time
- Impact Play
- S&M Scenes
- Alone Time
- Conflict Resolution
- Intimacy

People fail to realize that needs are not negotiable. If you have a partner that cannot fulfill the needs you have eventually you will resent them. It just is how it is. You have to be out there searching for the perfect partner or partners that can maintain a healthy fulfillment of your needs.

Over the years needs do and will change as you grow and change as a person. There is nothing wrong with that. You just have to come back to the table with your partner and inform them. You cannot abuse them and be angry with them for not fulfilling a need they have no clue you actually have. If you do not share it, then you cannot punish them for not doing it.

If your partner sees your new list of needs and they openly say they cannot fulfill that need for whatever reason. Then you have two choices. Either open up your relationship to allow each other new partners to be involved on both sides of the relationship, OR you can choose to part ways. It might hurt because you were so happy but it beats ending in a horrible way later down the road.

If you notice my list above there are needs that are not yet being met. They are however being worked on. People are human and we need time to iron out kinks in a relationship. Especially when everyone in it has their own issues. We have other stresses in our lives as well that play a part on what can and cannot be happening in this exact moment.

As much as we want instant gratification sometimes we have to put our needs on the back burner. This is of course fine to do just so long as we do not let them sit there forever and burn in the background of our mind causing us to become hateful bitter people. Remember it is OUR responsibility to make sure our needs are being met, and HOW they are being met.

For Example: For me quality time means I am getting 100 percent undivided attention from my partners during an activity I enjoy doing.

For someone else it could mean just watching a movie together while we are playing on our cellphones at the same time. quality time looks different for different people. It is your sole responsibility to define what your needs are, exactly how they should be met, and to ensure they are being met.

It is ABUSIVE to sit there berating our partners for not fulfilling our needs the way we want if they do not communicate them. We cannot blame them for unfulfillment if they do not know about it. So please remember that. It is also OUR responsibility to advocate for ourselves and be the bigger person to choose ourselves over someone who is super hot. Needs come first, attraction second in my opinion.

Besides looks are simply cosmetic they can be changed so lets not be shallow and always remember that.

Anyhow I wonder how many of you who read this have actually written your needs list? Do you actually use it in your tools to vetted a dynamic/partner/relationship? I honestly feel if I was taught this as a younger teen I would have saved myself so many heartaches.

Have you tried to figure out your needs? If so, do you apply them today in your current relationships? Are you happier now then you have been when you haven't used them?