Not Ashamed Anymore

Good Morning Everyone!

Today is a new day, even though money is tight, more payments got taken out, my family is being well you know the story and I don't want to get out of bed. I woke up feeling okay!

I woke up holding Hank and even though I'm stressed out of my mind, some how I know it's going to be okay. I've been im tough spots before and I got myself out, this one is not going to be any different. ?

I woke up imagining what it would be like to roll over and to be in your arms. To feel your touch on my warm skin, your soft and rough kisses, the feel of your tongue on my skin or the way so many firsts are going to be like.

I woke up knowing people out there love me and care about me.... I woke up knowing there is hope.

Violet and Hank ??

Honestly here's the thing, every few months I don't live up to the standards of my family and they freeze me out until they want that prefect family image.

Every time this happens it hurts and I ask why? You know I try so hard to make them happy, but I can never live up to what they want.

Some might ask why do I put up with this crap? Like really get capped on when I'm around them and then capped on when they push me away. Basically I'm fucked either way and I can never win. I'm the problem and the black sheep. So it is what it is....                                                                         

Violet and Hank ??

Moved into my new apartment this morning..... Basically it's the same lay out just a little smaller, do to the fact I could no longer afford the bigger place.

I haven't been able to work due to being so sick and putting money into my brothers gym hasn't helped in that area either. Also paying full price for a storage unit which is both for my brother and myself is not easy either as its a bloody big unit! Also being an adult and paying bills on top of everything else is well.... ?

So basically I'm screwed for the next few weeks and it's not the nice screwing either. Anyways I'm looking ahead for brighter days. ??

Anyways off to help my brother before I get disowned again.... 

Violet and Hank ??

So today was exhausting to say the least!

Dealing with a little bit of heartache when I first awoke, to a killer migraine, to lunch with my mom and then a stop by my brother it's just yeah been a day... Who knew you can feel so much in such a short amount of time. Ugh what a feeling that is to be using my feelings again. Usually I just sit there numb and take all the crap that was thrown at me and I move on. Now well apparently I'm feeling everything and I'm not sure that's a good thing! Being told how I'm not good enough, not a good sister or daughter yet again was ugh! I mean Jesus I get it, I suck. Now let's move on already! 

Then getting told by someone special that I'm beautiful, loved and wanted was overwhelming again! It's like I'm being torn into two and don't know what I should be able to trust. Like I don't know how to be or feel beautiful, now that's just fucked up!

All I want is to be wrapped up in someone's arms and protected even if it's just for a little bit. I want to be able to let my guard down and cry ??

Can only be strong for so long! Ugh!!

Violet and Hank ??

I know your hurting, confused and angry, but don't turn you back on the ones that you love and need.

Let us be there for you ?

I want to play..... I want to be bent over, hair pull and fucked hard from behide. No mercy and I want to take it all.. I want you to take control.... 

I'm getting wet just imaging your hands on me... Shhh are you going to punish me for speaking out like this? Mmmm I can't wait to find out and I will be kneeling in the corner waiting for you! 

A naughty Violet ?

Standing outside in tonight's air after a draining day is peaceful. Seeing the stars and moon is beautiful and smelling the air is refreshing after a day like this. I'm not suppose to be out at night with coming off a pneumonia so shhh! No one sees me! ?

Today was one of those days where I'm in my shutting down mood and the depression is trying to over take everything I have worked hard at. It's so frustrating when the depression and anxiety take over. It's even worse when you have to act like everything is okay and put that fake smile on your face. I've gotten good at doing that, it almost feels normal. 

Those I have gotten close to over the past few weeks, has been amazing and I'm so thankful for that. I just know that they have others in their life and I don't want to be the downer for them. Yes I know I should let them in and let them be there for me. But talking about having suicidal thoughts is not a sexy topic to talk about. Also will they think less of me? Probably not but again I don't want to burden them with that. 

I just.... I know I'm a lot to take on and I just don't want to disappoint anyone. It's hard to balance the good and bad in my head. But maybe this could be a good thing, I want this to be a good thing, I just don't want to over step anyone either and be apart of something beautiful and amazing. Hopefully in the end we can all be happy. 

Violet and Hank ??

Today is a tough one, but I got Hank... So I'm just going to stay in bed a little longer and hope it will pass. Just wanted to stop in and SAY Good Morning to everyone and I hope you all have a wonderful day! ?

Violet ?

When everyone's asleep and there's no one to talk to my mind starts to spin, so I write ?

I have hundreds of notebooks with stories I have written and since everyone's asleep tonight and I really don't want to be left alone with my thoughts, I got dressed and headed to my Storage Unit and began going through my notebooks. Most made me cry and others made me laugh... 

Then I came across a bin with some of my Aunt's things in it. Letters she wrote to me and postcards she sent me throughout her travels and I sat there alone and crying. God I miss my Aunt! She was the one person who loved me for me, damage and all. Her hugs, God her hugs were the best. She would wrap her arms around you and it felt like nothing could hurt you, that you were safe and loved. She gave me strength on my darkness days. It's been four Years and it still hurts like hell but I've had to push my grief down and once again be the rock for everyone around me, because my grief doesn't count....

So afterwards I was feeling a type of way so I got myself a new Teddy Bear, which I named Hank. We got home and I crawled into bed and began writing. I'm working on a new story and I think it's going to be a good one. 

But of course as I got tired I had to stop. I did too much today and pushed myself a little too much and my body is not happy with me. Stupid pneumonia! So now I'm left with my thoughts and Hank. I want to reach out to my loves but that's something they don't need to see when they first wake up, me in a full on anixtey panic attack. Not very sexy. So once again I'm left to my own self drowning night.

I know I'm too hard on myself, but for along time it was just me, I took care of myself and did things on my own. I'm getting okay with the whole opening up and sharing, I just don't want to worry my loves with my emotional moments, when they are sleeping.

So it's just Hank and I tonight!

Violet ? ?

Thank Bloody Christ this pneumonia is almost over with! I hate being sick and being sick means no working out! Boo!

I have some of the best people in my life that understand this and work with me! My trainer is awesome and sweet. He has been a mother hen this whole time making sure I get sleep, food and anything else I need.

My coworkers I work with at a friends gym have been also very supportive and helpful. All ex military men, but sweethearts. They have helped me over the past year or so with me loosing over 140 pounds. It feels good to back my normal self without the extra weight.

We all train in mix martial arts and have a lot of fun doing so! I can't wait to be back in the Cage with them so I can kick some ass!

Even though I have to take it easy for awhile and not push myself too hard, still down my left lung do to an infection. I'm excited to get back out there and train!

An excited Violet ?