Not Ashamed Anymore

Good morning Everyone!

Found myself waking up through out the night from weird dreams and then finally woke up crying..... Seems I can't turn these nightmares off.

Figures just as I find something special and amazing my demons want to come back and try to take the good from me. I just want to crawl into bed and hide, for the pain to go away so I can be happy and be loved. I don't want to be sad or scared anymore.

It frustrating when this happens and my depression and anxiety start to kick in, but this is when I have to dig deep and push back, allow myself to yes feel everything but to also remember that I do deserve to be loved and wanted....

I just want to be in your arms right now as I know you will keep me safe and make me feel loved, even if I try to push you away.. You won't let me and that's one of the reasons why I love you. You haven't given up on me yet! ??

Sleepy Violet ??

Good morning everyone!

So this week I have been learning to open up and share. It's been a challenge and overwhelming, but I am getting the hang of it! 

One thing that I'm having doubts about is not sharing too much per say, just feeling like I don't want to burden my loves with too much. I feel like I'm over sharing with my past and all the crap that I'm dealing with from that.... Also sharing how I'm feeling is making me feel like I'm a bit of a pussy. That I should be happy and I have nothing to feel sad about or anything. I just don't want to be that person that's sad. I want to be the person they see in me.

Anyways thank you for tagging along on my journey!

Violet ?

Good morning Cage Friends and Family!

I know my blogs have been really emotional lately! I've just been going through alot of changes and growing. Which are all scary and overwhelming! It's funny how much you can learn about yourself when you find the right people that love, help, support, guide and care about you.

I don't do good when people do care about or love me. It's just never been a thing with me, because I've never had that. People have always overlooked me in the past, the includes family. So I've had to do everything on my own since I was young.

Letting people help me in new and slowly I am beginning to let people help me. It's not easy with the depression and anxiety saying shut down and don't let people in because they will hurt you and that we are not worth it. 

Maybe that's why I like stuffies and I mean I have a lot, they are warm, safe and comforting for me. I'm not ashamed of it either.

It's not easy letting go of some of control that I have so tightly kept under lock and key. Giving someone that is making me feel not in control and maybe that's what I need. I need to take a step back, be human and remember what is it like to let go and breathe.

Violet ?

On my journey of learning about how the proper way of being treated, it has made me realize things. Like that I'm not just a hole to be used and I don't know how to feel about it. It's new that someone(s) care about me and want to take care of me, but also allow them to take their pleasures and needs.

Its makes me uncomfortable to have someone ask if something is okay or if I'm okay.... Its different and new. So many new feelings and experiences, it's again overwhelming I still don't know how to feel... Its sad to think that I'm so use to horrible treatment that I don't allow myself to feel the good. Well I will continue to figure out things as I go along in this journey. 

Violet ?

Bringing down my walls means I'm feeling so much more, it's scary and makes me feel so many things it's becoming overwhelming!

I know I need to feel to be able to to talk about what's going on in my head or how I'm feelings, but I haven't been able to do that for so long it feels..... Let's just say I've been crying too much lately.... I don't thinks it's a bad thing, I just hate feeling so open and vulnerable... It's like people can start to see into my soul and see the real me. All my kinks, wants and needs too..

Right now I just want to be in the safety of someone's arms that really loves and cares about and hold me close. 

Vulnerable Violet ?

Yup two blogs in less then 10 minutes, but this topic I need to talk about too.. 

So if anyone read my 32 stitches blog, you know I have been through some messed up crap over the past ten or so years. Well seems like I don't caught a break and that group just keep on winning. They got off Scott free due to lack of evidences... Yup once again they get to go on with their lives like nothing happened.                                                              A part of me wants to get really angry, but I know there's no point to that. While the other part just wants to be held and keep safe. It's moments like this that I really hate being alone...                                                                                        Last night I turned to drinking, which is not a good way of handling it and I'm probably going to get into trouble for that as it's not good for my pneumonia, but I just felt so alone, locked in my own head, wanting to push away all the good in my life, because I feel like I don't deserve it...

But that's what this group wants, to get into my head and control me again, but they don't get to own me, they don't get me, they haven't won!!                                                                                                   So today I'm going to cry and get all my emotions out and then pick myself up and continue on with my life, because I do deserve better.

Violet ?❤️

Like I said in my last blog, no one has ever fought for me, helped, cared before. They've all used me for their own gains or wants. No one's taken the time to get to know or heard my voice. Most people just give up on me or throw me away when I don't meet their idea of me or their needs. Some just forget I'm even alive. 

So when people say they want to help or say they care, right away I get my walls up and start to try and figure out their angle.. Yes it's not a healthy way to live, but it's how I have survived since I was little. It's scares me when people say they care or want me to be apart of their life.

Could someone love really love me? Could someone really care? Am I even worth it?

Those are all questions that run threw my head, as of late more so as I'm getting close to some wonderful people and I don't want to push them away. I really don't, but if I do, would they fight for me or just give up like someone else?

I just don't want to let anyone down or disappoint them... But I have to believe that I am worth loving.. 

Violet ❤️

Being sick and being stuck in bed has given me a lot of time to think and reflect on the past few weeks. Though they have been filled with many up's and downs, turns and twists, I Violet might have found something beautiful and amazing. That's filled with love, trust and I'm able to be myself, damage and all.                                                                               It scares the living crap out of me. Apart of me thinks that I'm too damage to love, that once I let my walls down and let them in fully they aren't going to like that they find. But first how do I bring down those walls? 

Also another part of my gets uncomfortable when someone shows or tells me they care about me. I've never had that before expect for one person my Aunt and she died a few years ago. I don't know how to expect that someone could possibly love me. Am I really that broken?

Feeling like I could love someone(s) and I really mean love them is new and it makes me want to run away and push them away because no one has ever fought for me before.

It's all overwhelming and I just don't know what to make of it all... But I know I have to try and let them in ❤️

Violet ❤️

Being apart of something beautiful and special is a pretty amazing feeling, but lately I just don't feel like I'm enough for them..... I'm feeling left out and alone.. I feel unloved ?

Just finished going through a rough night, crying, getting weird messages on Cage and all I wanted to  do was tlreach out to them for comfort and love, but I just didn't want to feel like a burden as I know they are going through a lot themselves...

All I want is to be wrapped up and held while I try and get through this dark spell....

Still not giving up!

Violet ♥️

To say this week has been emotional would be an understatement....

I've been battling pneumonia for two weeks now and it's not getting better, due to the fact well I've been under stress this week and it hasn't helped.

From not sleeping for two days, then crying myself to sleep, from being scared, broken and to acting like everything is just fine has taken its toll. My heart is hurting and crying seems the best way of letting it all out. 

I'm writing this blog in bed, so bare with me if it's all over the place. My brain is fried and my body is mad at me....

I'm the type of person to put others before herself. I love helping others and being there for them and I've done that this week which means my health was put on the backburner. I'm not blaming anyone or what not I'm just tired and in desperate need of a hug!

My anxiety and depression is back with full force and I was triggered at the beginning of the week, so coming down from that is just great. To sum it up, I'm a hot F****** mess and it's not a good look.

Let the healing begin

Violet xx