Not Ashamed Anymore

I know how the title sounds, but honestly having take to wheel for a while would be great. 

Just having someone giving me orders and just taking the lead and having that control is something I really need right now.

Crazy right? After all I've been through and that's what I need? Trust me it sounded odd to me for a while, but having something take the wheel would be a relief, a breath of fresh air. 

Its been keeping me up at night lately thinking about this and also having human contact would be amazing too. I hope I get that soon, because it's depressing and getting lost in my head for too long is also not a good look.

Violet 

I never thought I would be one of those people that say they never saw the abuse coming......

I was raised to be smart and I also had to grow up fast. My mom was sick when I was a kid and my dad was always travelling for work, so I had to learn how to do things fast. My brother was was always the good one, the one would make my parents proud, he just did everything right, where as I was always the one to give my family a hard time, so when the dating and coming to terms with my kink years came around and someone paid attention to me, I thought it was a good thing...  I was wrong!

He was nice to me and there were no red flags or warning signs going off saying he was a bad person. We had the same interests and wanted explore our kinks together. Hook line and sinker. The first time he hit me I didn't know what the hell to do. I was in shock and numb. He said it was because I didn't do something right or spoke without being ask to speak. This was his face he made to me, but to the outside world he was an angle. He got his brother and friends to join in when he got bored of me and yes they raped me multiple times, used me as their personal ashtray, craved "cunt" into my arm and beat me until I couldn't stand or fight back. They use to get off on the fact I would try and fight back.

I didn't see away out. To my family I was a disappointment, a. Girl who was killing her mom with the way she was acting and the daughter my dad never wanted. The police didn't believe, said there was no proof! This went on for years until one day I became pregnant.... I didn't know who the father was and I wasn't about to say anything.... Be some how the group found out and beat me until I lost the baby..... I wasn't strong enough to protect my baby and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life.

After that the beatings, burning, cutting and stalking got even worse... I was just so tired and alone.. It felt like a never ending circle, until one day I got out. I don't know how but I did and I thought that would be the end, I wrong yet again.. 

A few years went by and I moved around, it's what makes me feel safe, but for some reason they found me or well my ex did and that's how I got the 32 stitches. He said it was time that I come back to him, that I had my fun but now he was time to be his again, that I belonged to him. When I said no, he came at me with a knife. I was able to fight him off until help came and he got taken away.. 

Sounds crazy I know! Like something out of a bad movie or book, but no sadly that was my life and it hasn't been easy. But I am here picking myself up and doing what's best for me. I spent a sometime making sure that my kinks are something I really want to be comfortable with and the truth is I'm scared that history will repeat itself but I hope that I find something or someone I should say will accept me for who I am my baggage and damage and all.

Thank you Cage family and friends for supporting me and for making me feel safe to explore my kinks.

Much love, 

Violet 

Rant blog coming at you full force tonight!

Apparently I'm in a manipulative b****! Yup heard it first hand from someone I was talking for a few weeks now and since I hurt my hand yesterday and when he asked for pictures I didn't want to send them cuz I was you know not in the right mind, he got all pissed off saying that I'm a lying about this lifestyle that I'm not a sub that I don't need a Dom.

Oh and they said that I could fix it by sending a simple picture and video and if I didn't well then I was just a lying b****!

Some people I just want to punch in the face and rip out my own hair and then second-guess my feelings and what I want and what I need just because some prick tells me that I'm not good enough that this isn't the lifestyle for me just because I won't bend the knee for them.

Honestly I just have to shake my head at this because this is what I'm used to this kind of talk and actions. The feeling of not being good enough that I'm just some stupid little girl looking for a good time just because I'm f***** up.

Well they can shove it up their ass because I am me, I am strong and I know what I want and need and if they don't like it too damn bad for them.

A very angry Violet ??

Well hello there everyone and Happy Valentine's Day! !

This week has been interesting to say the least. From crazy work life and stupid messages on here things are never boring. I got 32 stitches in my hand today, that's a story for another time. But some people think that it really doesnt matter and that when they snap their fingers I have to come running or else.... Its frustrating to say the least. I get it Dom's are Dom's but they can't be heartless, I know some aren't for a fact. Ugh it's shows how much respect they have for me or lact there of.

On a happier note, because hey I know my blogs can be depressing!! I have met a few great and amazing people on there that have been a great support! Just wanted to thank those amazing people for showing me some love and support. Make all the bad shit worth it. Seriously I was thinking about running from this place, but then the nice people show up and while my fears are put to rest. I love you nice, sweet, loving, kinky humans!!

Good morning Cage Family and Friends!

Many of you have encouraged me to write out my feeling, that it helps and many of you are right, but there are a few that don't see it like that. I have gotten an out pour of love and support and I want to take the time to thank all of you for that. I have never had any support in my life like this before  and it helps so much.

So then you're probably wondering why does my heart hurt? Well because I've gotten a few not so nice messages after my blog or don't respond to messages right away. Telling me I don't take this lifestyle seriously, that I'm a fake and wasting everyone's time, that I should go away and never come back and that I'm a terrible Submissive.

To be honest I went to bed crying and cried for hours. I was alone and just feeling broken. I had some not so nice thoughts come into my head and I knew of those nice people on here knew what I was thinking they would be upset, so I came on here to write. I don't feel like getting out of bed and I feel like crying all over again. 

I'm trying my best and it just feels like it's never enough once again! Yes I'm being whiney and a Brat. I'm just really sad and my heart so fucking much.

Violet 

The title says it all..... This blog is hard to write, because it's mostly admitting I get lost in my head, listening to that stupid voice that tells me I'm worthless and unwanted. That I'm just someone's hole to be used, that's all I'm good for... 

Yup my last Dom really fucked me up. I'm not one to live in the past, I pick myself up and more on. But this, what he did and said to me.... It stays with me, makes me doubt myself and thinks maybe he's right.

I love that I'm not ashamed of admitting what I need and want. It makes me feel clearer, but how can I just let go of all the pain, hurt, scars, burns and just let someone in again. To see it all the bad and good and be okay with that? To still want a Sub like me? 

Have you ever just felt stuck? Like you can't move forward? That seems to be the theme with me these days. Finally admitting what I want and acting on it are two different things and are a lot harder to do then to write. 

I got myself out of a bad "relationship" with my former "Dom" and it took me awhile to heal and to find myself again, once I did I found myself here. Which is great, I don't feel like there's something wrong with me or that I'm crazy for wanting this lifestyle. But then I get some Intresting messages and it feel like my former "Dom"  is right there again and it's frustrating, because it makes me want to give me. Then I get some really nice messages and then it makes me rethink or question myself if I'm ever going to be a good enough for someone?? I know I'm being a Brat about this, I'm just feeling confused... 

For as along as I can remember I always felt like something was missing, like all the other pieces of myself weren't fitting together. There was a need and want for something I couldn't place. 

Believe it or not I came across some books that talked about Daddy Dom's and something just in me clicked together and it was like I found my missing piece. I knew what I wanted and what I needed, but why?

There is no easy answer to why I have this want and need its just there. To outsiders to this life it will probably seem crazy and not normal and that's why I don't tell anyone, it's my dirty little serect but it does make me feel so very alone.

Violet xx

I'm finding it hard to find the right fit for me as it seems everyone I talk to is after sex and that's it. No bond to be built or nothing. 

I get it sex is great, but building a bond with someone is also something that I need and want. Maybe I'm just an odd person for wanting that......