A Dom's Tale ~ The journey there and back again

We read it, we see it, we hear it.  it permeates the lifestyle like red wine upon a white carpet.  Expectations, perceptions, pre defined mental images of what we seek......and all of it being constantly reinforced.

the Dom - Devilishly handsome, built like Arnold Schwartznegger in Conan, strong, powerful, all wise, mind reading superhuman that only a few may obtain ....impervious to mistakes. 

the sub - strong yet yielding completely, Sharon Stone in handcuffs, helpless, unable to survive without Superman above. waiting for us curled up in a corner,  desperately needing somebody to completely take over their life and make any and all decisions for them.

And the issue with being a Dom like that?  A fable ...

A Giant Oak stood near a brook in which grew some slender Reeds. When the wind blew, the great Oak stood proudly upright with its hundred arms uplifted to the sky. But the Reeds bowed low in the wind and sang a sad and mournful song.

"You have reason to complain," said the Oak. "The slightest breeze that ruffles the surface of the water makes you bow your heads, while I, the mighty Oak, stand upright and firm before the howling tempest."

"Do not worry about us," replied the Reeds. "The winds do not harm us. We bow before them and so we do not break. You, in all your pride and strength, have so far resisted their blows. But the end is coming."

As the Reeds spoke a great hurricane rushed out of the north. The Oak stood proudly and fought against the storm, while the yielding Reeds bowed low. The wind redoubled in fury, and all at once the great tree fell, torn up by the roots, and lay among the pitying Reeds.

Better to yield when it is folly to resist, than to resist stubbornly and be destroyed. How can you possibly protect your sub once your pride rips you from your foundations?  Why would a sub wish to be in a situation like that?

Really?

You see, the issue with pictures of people you paint BEFORE you even meet them is ..... they most likely DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON in the first place, Yet, as society has taught us to do, as all of the stimuli out there constantly bombards our brains as to what we "should be" or "should seek", we strive to become that perfect picture, . We want to become that unrealistic bullshit fantasy Dom or sub so that the shining of our greatness will attract the person we have pre painted as well. 

And so the circle goes ... round and round, ever repeating itself, keeping us on the hamster wheel.  When it stops, it just begins...

We meet, we judge, we dismiss, and start the search again.... over and over and over. Tossing potential mates to the curb because they did not fit our little mold.  Well... guess what... you can prolly get a body to fit a mold, but not a soul.  You can find a great looking set of boobs, just the right looking man sword,  the right beard, the right age, the right color (yeah .. I said it .. get over it .. it happens),  but what connection are  you seeking anyway? Do you seek the True Dynamic or just a fuck buddy? Because guess what .... dem boobs - yeah buddy, they gonna change, dat man sword - gonna lose some edge, That six pack? Might just turn into  a pony keg.

Do you want to connect in bed or in life? what are you more attracted to? Which one stands a better chance of completing your dynamic... the body or the mind?

Dominants - what would you give to find the one you could truly trust your "kryptonite" to?

submissives - what would you give to meet the one who's mere presence quiets your all to active mind, the one you could trust to take you into subspace and back again?

And yes, this search sucks. its takes time,  but if you cannot open your mind to the possibilities, its gonna take a helluva lot longer. But it can be done.

For myself, I tend to be a bit harsh trying to always play fair, to make certain I can be able and willing to give what I expect. the last few years have been rough, not gonna lie about it.  I buried my father, my pet, my marriage and almost myself in the accident a few months back.  And after the accident, I cut all ties with any potential mates I was exploring with,  because I was afraid my injuries would turn the object of my affection into a nursemaid, and I could not allow that. And in that moment, I hurt somebody that did not deserve to be hurt, by taking away her ability to decide for herself, albeit with only honorable intentions, but still the road to hell got another pavestone that day.

But as with all things, I try to learn from my mistakes, take away something positive that will guide me closer in the future.

And yes, on the way home Saturday night I once again pondered haging up the search, like so many of us do from time to time, but like an old friend dropping by to visit, once of my favorite songs from the 70's came bouncing into the cab of my truck on the way home and reminded ,me to wear my badges of life proudly, and stand the fuck back up.. so here I go again back into the search .....

How will you earn that submission Mr. or Mrs. Dom?

   The answer to the question rests in the method of the attempt. Consider mountain climbers for a moment. Do you think they are all the same? Do you believe they approach the task at hand with the same processes? I can tell you for a fact, they do not. For each climber there is a unique set of circumstances imho.... these are but a few

   Some wish to climb the mountain to the top, leaving no or as little evidence that they were ever there, leaving it as unchanged as when they found it.

   Some wish to reach the top regardless of what they leave in their wake. They simply want  to reach the top at all costs.

   Some wish to embrace the adventure. take it all in with every breath from step one, to gain a lifetime of memories 

   I can also tell you that making the attempt with others who do not share your desires can have disastrous results for one or both of you.

   So now comes the moment of truth. As you have finally met that new sub or Dom you wish to explore with, what goals do you have in mind? Are your goals the same? Are YOU being totally honest and truthful with the object of your desires? AND JUST WHAT ARE THOSE DESIRES?

   There are many pathways to the top of the mountain, but all require one main common theme ... honesty and integrity. 

   If all you are wanting is some playtime, some physical intimacy, some NSA interactions, be damn sure you are upfront about it. No lead ons, no hidden agendas. And if along the way your goal changes, be honest about that too. Yes, the "things have changed" talk is prolly going to hurt somebody, but it will hurt less the sooner you have it, or you may even get surprised and find you BOTH want to change it.

   If you are wanting a dynamic, but not a committed serious type of thing, again .. honesty is key, and you both better want the same thing.

   But if what you seek is what I have referred to in prior bloggings  as "the true bdsm dynamic". Treat it with respect, treat THEM with respect.  Get to know the person, not the body. Any woman can get a man in bed, and it doesn't take much of a man to fuck somebody, But if you want that deep life filling connection, you are gonna have to build it.  Take in the ENTIRE experience, from day 1. Celebrate each new discovery and level of trust you discover together.  The physical will come as it should, wanna make it Earth Shattering? Learn to touch each others souls, and when the trust is there to even allow that...... your time has come.

Just my 2 cents worth...

~ID~

"For the poison of hatred seated near the heart doubles the burden for the one who suffers the disease; he is burdened with his own sorrow, and groans on seeing another's happiness.

~Aeschylus~
456 B.C.

   This blog has been n my mind for some time now. I have postponed it's writing for a few different reasons.

1. So that the people involved would be obscured by time, especially those who told me of this.
2. To be sure my purpose in writing it was a positive one, not a retaliatory slashing out.

   So it come to this. COUNSEL.  So very often we see our fellow cagers reaching out for advice or counselling on a situation. This is a good thing! It is part of our strength as a community! In fact, it is probably one of the BEST things about our community, helping, educating, and supporting each other.  That is NOT what this blog is about, for that, let me give some backround ...

    A time back, i had just begun speaking to a very nice lady here on the Cage, and a short time into our chats, she felt the need to enlighten me on a topic.  She had been approached by another person here, one whom I thought was a friend, and a rather good one at that.  Long story short, this "friend" had said I was a "nice person" - then went on to declare that I was fat, ugly, and a few other disparaging remarks (there were actually 2 different people that had told me the same story in as short period of time )

   So as it turned out, this person was randomly contacting people I interacted with and telling them as many poor remarks as it took to drive them away from me.  There is more to this story, but revealing it would identify the person, and I will not do that. Needless to say, I was shocked and sickened by this whole situation.  Why in the world would this person befriend me to my face, and then go bout doing such things behind my back?

   I guess in the long run the why is not as important as the what.  So the moral of the story? Do not take all counsel received, ESPECIALLY unsolicited counsel to heart.  People have their own motivations, and gossiping and trash talking others has been the "make me feel better / important/valuable/jealousy ridden,  go to exercise of people from a wide variety of sufferings for as long as language has existed.

   I was angry and yes, hurt at first that this person had betrayed me in this manner, but today I feel sorry for them, I pity them truly, and will pray for them, that they can someday come in the light and see their actions for what they are,  and never do it again. until then my friends - take unsolicited counsel with a grain of salt.  

2,3   - meh, mom, sisters, pests, nuisances, stuck with them

5, 7 Penguins! disciplinarian masochistic nuns! Safety place (mom) pests nuisances (sisters)

11, 13, Strange things, all of them changing, not the same as me anymore, curious!

17, 19  Damn good little gameplayers, but so freakin emotional! Nice to keep one handy though!

23, Startin to see em as valuable, VERY valuable, but also so fragile and yet so strong .... confused again.

29, 31, Ahhhh.... starting to see how much time I wasted not seeing them as they really are. Weird that my life is a third over before I really noticed ......

37, parenthood .. wow. So amazed, so utterly reduced to basics. To experience the beginning of life, To feel the first movements of a new life, to see it enter the world.  To realize SHE made this possible....

41, 43, My God the roles! Mother, Wife, Lover, Partner, compatriot, professional .. how can one person fulfill so many roles? How or why did it take me half my to see all the facets of this stone....

47, Grandmother? really? theres only  billion out there, why didn't I see this coming?

53, OMG, after all these years I discover some can be submissive? Luckily, not as blind to facets as I once was, I can clearly see the strength she can draw and focus from all of her other facets, how strong her "submission" really is . and it is mind altering

 59 Is just around the corner, and now I finally see what I need to complete myself. To complete myself, I must complete another, 2 joined into one, the true BDSM dynamic.  So with great challenges behind me, I once again take my quest upon my shoulders and start the journey reborn..... I will find you......God Willing. 

Preface:

I want to preface what I am writing today so that the spirit or intent is not misconstrued in any way. It has been a very long journey for me, several years in fact, to finally arrive at a place where I, in my heart, will finally find some peace and solace, and come to terms with my first and likely best way of moving forward. I also want to say I appreciate all of you, cherish quite a few of you, and deeply care for a great number of you. You have been there with me through thick and thin, through my sometimes mindless ravings, and applauded me when I actually wrote something that touched you, and for those things, and for all of you, I will remain eternally grateful.

   And to preface this blogging, please understand and accept it is not written from a place of, or to secure from any of you ... pity.  I have simply rounded a corner in my life, and the road is now different than it was before, my reality brutally and forcefully changed, and I am coming to grips with it, and what it means for the future.

   Ok, enough of that... lol. On October 23rd last year, I was involved in a car accident traveling at a rate of 65 mph.  BY the hand of God, the other driver recovered completely, and I am still here to talk about it  as well. But the life I had sought for myself, and my pursuit of the "true bdsm dynamic" is all changed now, and I am surrendering them to the past.  Now I can hear you!!!  But please listen a bit more, and perhaps you will understand more.

   I am a strong willed man of 58 years. I do what I must do, I land on my feet, I survive where destruction is assured. I am also a realist. I do not and can not, take more than I can give, and to the best of my ability, I do not cheat, lie, or steal.  I try to be as brutally honest as my soul will allow, in all things, holding the truth.

  So the truth be told, I Simply do not currently have the physical ability to give what I feel a Dom should be able to give to a sub. And I will not deprive somebody of the things they need, to satisfy myself, nor will I turn a beautiful thing into a nursemaid.  So my adventures into this world now come to a anticlimactic close. Bright and early tomorrow, the playroom will be disassembled and packed away, along with my dreams of a life that cannot be.

  However, I will remain here with you all, and contribute what I may to the community, and maintain my friendships that I have found. And hey, who knows, maybe I will come out of all this in the end healed? I will certainly strive for it, but until I can be a partner in the true sense, I will remain .. solitary. It has taken me 3 months to come to this conclusion, so please do not think I made the decision lightly or without the sincerest contemplations.

You know those poor bastards who truck along for hours delivering Doordash? Well imagine what might happen with certain types of BDSM'ers if their Doordash driver got to come into the playroom for 5 minutes?

Starin Karen

You just KNOW the idea of a good solid flogger or Mahogany paddle has been in his mind since the "day of the missing napkins",,  of course she may have an issue using her safeword with all that duct tape around her head .....;P

Ok Barbi ...Yeah right ... SURE you are!

He left the door thinkin .. "Ain't nobody REALLY like that!  This gal is in for the orgasm denial party from hell, until she shrieks for it like a wilda beast......

Shy till ya try..

Oh yes, this one has "The new adventures of Danny the Doordasher" written all over it.  Now where did I put those cuffs?

Betty the Barbarian

(as the duct tape is ripped off his mouth)  Holy shit lady! All I remember Is i was droppin off some food, next thing I know I wake up with my balls being stretched to the floor, and a freakin dildo up my ass! huh? what?  No, I didn't say let me loose ......

What has become an annual posting for me, edited just a bit each year.. I really enjoyed writing it, so relax your minds Cagers and let me take you through a little Christmas Fantasy

Twas The Night Before Christmas - on the Cage

Twas the night before Christmas, just home from the pub,
Not a creature was stirring, 'cept me and my sub,
She was on our big toy, with love and with care,
And I as her Dom, could not wait to be there;

 Her bottom I'd paddled, now warm and so red,
;While release found in orgasm, screamed in her head.
With my sub damn near naked,  and me in my cap,
I just settled her back down, for more swats on my lap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the dungeon to see what was the matter.
from the side of the window, so no neighbor we’d flash,
still rubbing her bottom, still warm as fresh ash,

The moon glancing off her, every curve it did show,
I found myself grateful, and my heart was aglow,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
I glanced at the clock, midnight it did chime,
We were up way too late, now we had no more time.

My wishes I’d asked for now raced through my mind,
But we were not asleep, Santas here... in a bind.
We were both well aware, if he saw us awake,
No gifts would be left, our presents at stake!

We dashed for the bedroom, got there in a tick,
But just too damn slow, racing good ol’ St. Nick.
In a flash he appeared, standing there in the room,
My hopes for this Christmas, were replaced now with gloom.

He’d caught us awake, now the presents were lost,
But he just faintly smiled, we well knew the cost.
My sub started weeping, laying there on the bed,
Her eyes getting swollen, tear filled and red.

My Sir, please forgive me, she started to say,
I fear I have failed you, and ruined this day.
As her tears started running, across that sweet cheek,
My heart started breaking, and I knew I must speak.

My love I replied, there’s no fault in you,
This is not your doing, your heart is so true.
Her act of devotion, this attempt to distract,
My resolve it did strengthen, and I knew I must act.

Please Santa, I pleaded, it was not her fault,
I kept her awake, tied up by the vault.
She gives me so much, and asks for so little,
Her last Dom was cruel, he’d berate and belittle.

He promised the world, said he's honest and true,
Yet all that he sought for, was using her too.
The day that she found me, still clear in my mind,
Was my day of rebirth, her soul bound to mine. 

And on this first Christmas, together at last,
She's finally living, getting free from her past.
Please make an exception, she is not to blame,
The fault here is mine, tis me you should shame.

The gifts we have asked for, seem odd to the norm,
But I desperately need them, her heart to keep warm.
There’s paddles and crops, and tools for the top,
And blankets and cocoa, and things for sub drops

And nighties and leathers, and great stuff to wear,
Along with some comforts for great aftercare.
These things that we asked for, perhaps way too much,
Are things that we need, they’re not just a crutch.

He looked at my sub, so gentle and pure,
Then gave me a glance, as if to assure.
“my boy you are blind, it’s so easy to see,
But take some advice, from an old man like me.

Indeed your first Christmas, with her as your own,
There is more to this story, than you've ever known.
This woman God made you, and brought to you here,
He brought you here too, to help silence her fear.

For you see I have known her, battered and weak,
Her heart rent to tatters, her future so bleak. 
With her body and soul, and mind under attack,
So close to the end, with no will to fight back.

Yet the power within her, so pure and so true,
Found a way to preserve her, and bring her to you.
Her search finally ended, her future secure,
With this dynamic God gave you, so strong and so pure.

She has travelled a road, not many could walk,
In search of “a True Dom” not bullshit and talk.
When others surrendered, gave in to the dark,
She has somehow endured,  her life only a spark.

 Her soul has survived it, these heartbroken tours,
Not perfect for certain, but neither is yours.
The power within her, now blinding and bright,
She now offers to you, keep it safe with your might.

See all the toys in the world, would not be enough,
Not the whips or paddles or padded handcuffs,
The gift that is lent you, that she trusts in your hands,
This act of submission, so noble and grand.

A tear gently rolled, down Santas red cheek,
He lifted her chin, then again he did speak.
Take care of her son, protect her and pray,
Shelter her heart, and do not fade away.

Her heart is now speaking, gentle and true,
For her there's no other, no other but you.
Keep her and hold her, for her safety I pray,
And worship the gift that you hold on  this day.

   Staring silently over the forest that embraces the rivers edge last night, I had to take a break from the realities of life and look into the dark, swirling, lightless abyss that I have once again created around myself. I know what I did, and I know why I did it, though I suspect few juries would agree with me instead of showering down rain, conviction, and condemnation upon me.

   It was good with us, it was VERY good. We had never laid a hand upon each other, never exchanged a simple kiss, held a hand, or sat outside in the darkness silently looking into each others eyes, and being overjoyed to have the experience. I had planned, as I am certain she had as well, countless trips and activities to share together for the rest of our time. Truth be told, we had never met in real life, only via phone calls and texts.

   In our hearts we knew this could be it, this cold easily become forever, and we had to do was let go of old lives and fall together into a new one. And I was ready for it. And I wanted it more than anything. To become her Dom, to look out for, care for, protect, nuture, and help her become whatever she had ever dreamed of becoming.

   And from out of nowhere, like life has a tendency to do, my world got crushed, with me underneath it. It started out by developing a little edema in one leg. No prob, saw the doc, he said exercise more, eat better, it’ll vanish. We talked about it, she has a love for cooking stuff that is great for you, so it was another match! I even outfitted a bedroom as a workout room … treadmill, Bike, weights, elliptical etc etc.

Then, right before she was to visit, I got hit by covid, and we had to postpone. I got past it in 10 days, and it reflared the doc said 10 days later for a couple weeks. Then it happened – full force collison at 65 mph. Totaled my truck, and left me with an 8 in gash in my leg. All I could do for 2 weeks was constantly pray for the driver of the other vehicle. He had touch and go, but made it in the end, now a full recovery.

Then, 2 weeks after the accident, I began to get dizzy for no reason, was feeling nausea, and occasionally piercing come and go headaches. So off to the doctor I go. Sure enough, brain injury, I had been slow bleeding for 2 weeks. In I for CCat? Sure enough .. confirmed, but cannot get into a neurologist for 3 more weeks.

Well, since I was on my way home from a seminar for work, my insurance company instituted a claim against my employers Workers Comp policy as I was technically working at the time. My employers takes this badly, and after 21 years of employment, is trying to force me out, get me to quit. So now the home I have nearly paid for is at risk, my entire financial future could be shot, and I might easily be forced to relocate and find a job for a 57 year old man to start over in.
N ow I AM NOT crying in my soup. I can take all this and a lot more and come out the other end. I am far stronger than this bullshit. But … that’s not what I can’t do.

What I cannot do is drag her into this disastrous mess that is about to become my life. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a helluva strong lady, she’s been through hell and back herself. But I just can’t do it to her. My head injury could easily become permanent damage, disabling even, or .. it could just go away. She’s a few years younger than I, but I cannot, will not, turn her into my nursemaid.

In my current condition, I cannot keep her safe, protected. I cannot even guarantee her a home to live in, or her basic needs and wants being met, including physical and mental D/s needs and wants. So, I did the unthinkable, I left her alone. No texts, no calls, and last night by the river I sent her a “sorry” text..which has gone unreplied to. I pray for her she has found another, and it leads to her happiness, because God know she deserves it. As for me, I feel a lot like Puff…..and I am certain to be spending a lot of my time in my cave for now ….
Thanks for the read people, I always find this therapeutic…..

Reposted by request  😄 A few mods   😄  I hope you enjoy it

   As she awoke that late November morning, she gently rolled over to silence the alarm clock, and his scent was still there on his side of the bed, his pillow still warm from where he had laid with her through the night. She reflected back on this first year together with her Dom. She recalled how before him, she had felt her life was so together, so complete, she had accomplished so much. What she knew now, that had escaped her then, was how finding each other would so radically change her heart, and life, and fill voids in both of them that they never even knew were there....

   So on this first Thanksgiving Eve together, she had come to a life altering decision.. As he walked toward the front door, he was taken aback... for she was knelt by the door, but not in her normal Nadu position to bid him “hurry home”, as they had vowed to never say “goodbye”, unless it was to be final. As he approached however, her hands slowly raised together, presenting an envelope to him. On the outside was simply written “Sir, please go to work, and open only in private, and alone”. She was trembling, visibly shaken, as the tears found their way out of her red swollen eyes and ran down her cheeks when he grasped the envelope.

   His mind was racing with a thousand possibilities of what could be inside. Could this be the end? Is there something wrong? Has she taken ill? Try as he might, the morning commute was totally overshadowed by that envelope, and the tears that had sealed it. So, when he got to his office, he left instructions not to be interrupted for any reason. He closed and locked the door, and stared at the envelope for a few moments before finally mustering the courage to open it, it read ….

My Sir,

This world that I walked in, eternally alone,
meant I'd long since surrendered, A true Dom of my own.
So I took all my love, and deep darkest fears,
and hid them forever, obscured by my tears.

I had searched from my True Dom, for far way too long,
and was finally accepting, my life all alone.
For despite all my efforts, my search was in vain,
And I could hardly endure it, so hollow, such pain.

I feared that a True Dom, so seldom and rare
At least one I wanted, for whom I could care,
To walk thru this life with, and give my heart to,
would never be found, until there was you.

You offered your friendship, not making demands,
you took time to know me, held my soul in your hands.
Our lives slowly banded, our hearts and our souls,
And you’ve never faltered, this one in control.

So today I give thanks, to God and to you,
For holding my dreams, and making them true.
I’ve just one request, as this note I requit,
To you heart and soul now, I humbly submit.

   He was unaware at the time. But those tears, the ones that fell from her eyes as he left that morning, he had taken with him, and they now found their way down his cheek. He checked his schedule for the day, and it was booked solid. Then, in the notes he saw “set her hairdresser appt 11:00. He told his secretary to clear the days schedule, and after that, to take this Thanksgiving off, and the weekend as well as well, with pay.

   As she opened the door, hands overrun with groceries for their Thanksgiving dinner, she gasped in disbelief at the sight before her. The groceries fell to the ground, unnoticed by either of them. There, in the entryway, was her Dom, in the middle of the work day, kneeling before her on a single knee, head deeply bowed, and arms outstretched, presenting an envelope, taped to a slender golden package. On the outside of the envelope was written “My reply, please open immediately” It read:..

My love,

I too wandered this life, and did so alone,
And likewise surrendered, a sub of my own.
I’d spoke with so many, but none quite a fit,
I felt so defeated, and ready to quit.

I felt that my true sub, gentle and fair,
would forever evade me, then I saw you there.
You were unlike so many, yet so out of my reach,
your beauty abounded, had taken my speech.

First let me thank you, for becoming my friend,
I’m eternally grateful, for the time that you’d spend,
just talking and laughing, and letting me know,
that our hearts had a small chance, that love just might grow.

And so now time finds us, together at last,
Our hearts beat as one now, our fears in the past.
And when I was certain, I could ask for no more,
this gift that you offer, brings my knee to the floor.

Never in my life, in my wildest dreams,
could I ever imagine, a gift so extreme.
I humbly accept now, this offer you make,
This collar I offer, if you would but take….

This gift of submission, I shall never forget,

And I pray to my God now, you'll never regret,

For the rest of our lifetimes, and eons beyond,

I pledge myself to you, as we enter this bond.

   Nobody knows for sure what happened after that, but what is known is that the groceries remained on the doorstep for the entire Thanksgiving weekend, and when she left to go shopping Monday morning, she wore a golden necklace that she would never again be seen without, but yet when they were seen together, the light shining from inside them both made it very difficult to see.

  And.. if you ever asked either "What are you thankful for this Holiday Season?", you could almost make out an aura of golden power surrounding them both as their eyes were instinctively drawn to each other, yet no answer would ever be given, but then again...why would it need to be?

   A week or so ago, on my way home from a 1 day adventure, I wrecked my truck at about 65 mph. The officer on the scene was astonished that I was "walking around" instead of being hauled off by ambulance... or hearse. It has become one of those life defining moments that force us to review and evaluate all aspects of our existence. Now it comes to my search in this lifestyle, and what realities my search must contain. There is no clear cut direction afforded to me as of yet, but I must explore it, and make some decisions. Our time here is fleeting, and can be gone in an instant, and wasting that time .. well... simply unacceptable. Blogging here has always been somehow medicinal in my past, so please forgive and understand my predicament. 

In the beginning of this journey to find her, she was so clear to me. I could sense her presence in my waking hours as I searched for her to no avail.  I could feel her soul beckoning to mine, I knew instinctively that her heart was out there, beating in time with mine. She was there, you ARE there, you must be there.

In my resting hours, I hoped and prayed to be able to dream of you again,  to gaze into your eyes, to hold you, protect you, keep you safe, and help you grow. To be able to embrace the power we forged together, daring man, beast, or demon to risk intervening at their own peril. It was all I could have of you until my dreams could be forced into reality by finding you at last, and this gave great power to my search. 

But in these times, the dreams have become more infrequent, and when they do come, while I can still sense you, it is a far far weaker signal, and I wonder if it is just my own folly that I should continue the search. The playroom lies dormant, just another closed off room now in a house I begin to wonder why I keep it.

"There is no fool like an old fool" perhaps this is the source of my misgivings. Perhaps the world does not share my belief that I truly am not old, that there is so much left to see, to feel, to explore. Or perchance could it be truth that I am simply proving to the world how foolish I really am, by standing on a field for the young, refusing to accept the realty of my existence.