A Dom's Tale ~ The journey there and back again

1: My favourite childhood toy.

   My "Lost in Space Robot when I was 10! he was motorized and actually spoke! Sadly, 2 months after Christmas my Brother amputated his motor to make and sell an "electric pencil"

2: Favourite album

Rush  - 2112

3: Favourite childhood TV show

See above! Lost in space of course!

4: First film at the cinema

Tagging along with my much older sister and her date at a drive in theatre - Jaws! Never forget that silhouette swimming in the beginning!

5: First crush Celebrity and Personal

Celebrity = Batgirl from the TV series - actually wrote her a letter too!

Personal - Elizabeth Traylor - kindergarden  - she loved being chased around and caught (go figure right!)

6: Favourite animal

Snow Leapord

7: Favourite film

Basically anything "Star Trek"

8: First kiss who and where

Hiding out in a tent in the back yard in Orlando with my GF - and it was well more than a kiss!

9: First real contact with the Kink world

several years ago now - The young lady I was dating at the time, while snuggling at bedtime, me stroking her hair trying to calm her migrane, looked up at me with her head resting on my chest and asked me if I would spank her sometime. Prior to that night, in my world, in my upbringing, BDSM was something only "those people" participated in, and was to be shamed and scorned.

10: Only one person to be left on a Island with for a year, without any technology.

Assuming alive or dead is available, Isoroku Yamamoto,  CIC of the IJN in WWII - would love to speak to him, learn from him, and get his varied if not controversial perspectives on WWII

   I woke up this morning in a place I hardly ever like to ... lol. Yesterday had been a very long and trying work day, one of those days where you come into the house at the end of a workday, and even though the only thing there to greet you is a couple of furry meowing hungry roomies,. you are happy to be finally home. So I had some dinner at my desk, and literally fell asleep in my office chair somewhere around 930 I guess. 

So about 430 this morning, I woke up in that damn chair, one of my roomies sitting on my chest looking at me, the other lay on the desk, head resting on my arm, peacefully sleeping. There are worse ways to wake up, and while the sleep was not as good as it could have been, the day could not have started any better. Just how those little villain's knew what I day I had, I have no clue, but ... there they were, and I was happy to have them.

   So my day started 2 hours earlier than normal, but it started out well. So I fell asleep with the cage on the the screen, and I woke up to a message and a new profile like! Both good things! As I normally do, I went to each users profile and read their posts and or blogs before communicating with them.  I mean, if people take the time to write a profile, or blog, or forum post, I want to read it and learn some about this person reaching out in whatever manner in this electronic world. It makes me feel a bit more like I am talking to a new acquaintance rather than just tossing messages in a bottle out into the ocean 

   One of them had written a music in bdsm post, and I noticed a Sara McLachlan song on her list.  Now that woman has haunted my soul since first hearing "In the arms of the Angels", so naturally, I gave this new song a listen, and once again, very happy about it!  This naturally led me back to my favorite song from her, and every time I hear that song it means something different to me!

   The first time it resonated with me, was right after I had gotten divorced some years back now. After 30 years of vanilla marriage, she had left, casting all our plans, hopes, dreams, and memories onto lifes funeral pyre. It had ended long before she left, we both knew it, and today, I place no blame or fault. Yet, when it actually happened, I remember how utterly alone and despondent I felt. How I wondered if I had the courage to continue on, to try and rebuild my life, or whether I even wanted to. I had thought of trying to reconcile with her, finding a way to stay together, and then a Conway Twitty song reminded me of the futility of of even trying, she had found somebody new, and was finally happy again, and I had no right to try to take that from her. The lyric that stuck out was:

t's your life, you say you need a change
Don't all the dreams we've seen come true mean anything
You say it's different now and you keep staring at the door
How can you walk away, don't I matter anymore

If being free is worth what you leave behind
And if it's too late for love to change your mind
Then it's goodbye time

Publicly, you would not have known anything changed. I was stoic, strong, and determined in appearance, I sought neither help nor support, I especially hid my true condition from my two wonderful adult children, Both made regular contact checking in on me, and I did what I had to do to convince them I was allright, and help them come to terms with the divorce without casting blame or having them choose sides between their parents. Yet behind the closed doors, only my two furry friends ever really saw the truth. And then I was watching movies one night, and "City of Angels" came on, and that song "In the arms of the Angels"  played.   It gave me comfort, made me see a flicker of light for the future, and somehow inspired me to tap into my true inner strength and begin the long journey to find myself again, to repair my battle damage, and put my feet back onto lifes pathway/

So, after a year or so of the most honest introspective journey I have ever taken, I came to peace with the situation.  I always thought I needed to forgive her for leaving, that somehow that was the ultimate goal. For abandoning everything we had built. For casting aside the vows of forever we both had taken in front of our friends, family, and God. But it simply was not true.  You see, our marriage was tested many times. We had faced trials and tribulations most couples I pray will never have to. We had endured so many things, so many challenges, and in retrospect, each challenge took it's toll.  Each victory was at the cost of some of our strength.

And when the police knocked on our bedroom door in the middle of a cold winter night ( I still have no idea how they entered the house unless the alarm company let them in) , we had to face one of our children attempting suicide, multiple times over several years, we each poured all of our hearts and souls for years into protecting and helping that child. In the end, it was fine, that child is now fully grown and happily married to a wonderful spouse. But, when that crisis had passed, we woke up as strangers. We still loved each other, and likely always will. But the other parts of the relationship had long since been abandoned, and had fallen into the abyss. We had given all we had into protecting one child, and making sure the other stayed safe. We had grown over the course of the years into different people, leading seperate lives, no longer a couple. And happiness had eluded us in the end. Was it worth it? Neither of us would do it differently if given the chance to do it again. A parent cannot take that risk. 

  So, my long term goal of forgiving her was true folly. Forgive her for what? For doing what she had to? What we had to? For having the courage to walk away and find happiness again? For realizing it was over and putting it to rest? If anything, I owed her a debt of gratitude. For doing her absolute best to protect the family, for helping to insure our childrens future. And for waiting until they were fully grown and capable of understanding before acting to find her happiness. Had it been left to me, I most likely would have continued on forever, with a good friend living with me, ever mindful of  the promises I had made to keep, honor, and protect her. And I would have seen both her and I into oblivion, unhappy, unto the end of our days. 

So nowdays, as I listen to this song again,  it gives me hope and strength, it reminds me what I am seeking, it shines the promise of a brighter tomorrow above me, helps me continue my quest to find "her", and the true BDSM dynamic. I am finally whole again, able to finally give my heart to another after passing through the fires of hell to get here, and I am ever thankful for the "Arms of the Angels" for helping me get here.  And I am eternally grateful for my two furry roomies who know me so well.... together, we'll find her  :)

Treks For Kinks

Imagine what the opening credits of Star Trek might have been if if were based on kink? Well .. wonder no more!

First off - the ship would be shaped a but differently ... lol

And the original opening prologue ...

"Space: the final frontier.
These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
Its five-year mission:
to explore strange new worlds;
to seek out new life and new civilizations';
to boldly go where no man has gone before." 

Would DEFINITELY had to change! Here are my suggestions  :)   enjoy...

............................................................

Dom Trek

Face, the final frontier
These are the voyages of the Domship Enter-her
Its five year mission
To explore strange new toys
To seek out new kinks
And new bondifications
To guide them both where his sub has not gone before

Sub Trek

submission, the final frontier
These are the voyages of the sub-ship Earn-It
Its life long mission
To submit to one who has earned it
To seek out he who is worthy
And surrender herself
To boldly offer what no man has held before

Brat Trek
(oh God don't let us forget the brats!  :P)

submission, prolly not the final frontier
These are the voyages of the brat-ship "Oh yeah?!"
Its private little mission
To push your limits and hit your buttons
To seek out just where your sanity ends
to make you go
and redden her ass far more than ever before

The sun peeks through the bedroom window and lightly warms my face as I awaken from a sound nights sleep, complete with yet another of “those dreams.” The dream was an erotic adventure of mammoth proportions, and as the fog slowly lifts from my mind as I become more awake, I also frantically struggle to remember all the events of the dream. The more awake I become, the more the details of the dream become foggier and foggier, further hidden from my conscious mind, until all that is truly left is a basic framework of the adventure, but that will have to suffice I tell myself, and get up and begin the new day.

   Throughout the day I get glimpses of events from the dream, and begin to wonder if this was perhaps an intuitive glimpse into a possible future? Unresolved satisfaction begins to morph into insatiable frustration as I struggle to get a mental picture of the woman’s face in my dream. Who is she? Have I met her? Is she real? Yet she eludes me again, as she has on countless previous occasions, and I succumb to the reality that for now at least, I will not remember her face.

   As I sit down to watch the news after the day’s work is done, my mind finally relaxed and at ease, I am able to recall more of the details which have been suppressed in my mind. I remember the way she was biting her lower lip as I bound her hands above her head in the shower. The soft gentle moans she was helpless to prevent escaping as I stood behind her in the shower, my body pressed against hers, her head titled backwards as I held her by her long brown hair and slowly hand washed her body.

   Lightly yet firmly wrapping my hand around her neck, her, pulling her gently backward, and whispering into her ear “Who do you belong to?” She answers me with in a soft moan and presses harder against my body. I slowly run my hand down her body until I position my hand between her legs, and after getting a firm grip, whisper again into her ear “that was not an answer Princess, who do you belong to?” Another soft moan from her precious lips escapes her mouth before she finally replies “I belong to you Sir.” I release her crotch from my grip and whisper “Good Girl” as I move my hands back to her shoulders.

   Now,moving my way down her body, slowly washing her breasts with the soft silky soap, circling her nipples but not touching them until at last I grasp her tits firmly with both hands and draw her body into mine. She begins sliding her moist pussy back and forth along my pulsating cock that is resting between her legs, beckoning me, almost as if she is teasing me to enter her.

   And that is when the sun appeared, and the day had to begin. But now I am but a few hours away from sleep, and I hope and pray for the story to continue, but even moreso, I cannot wait for the day when the dreams become the life ……..

It is my (perhaps amateur) view that the hardest endeavor we can undertake in this flicker of time we are granted on this Earth is the one of self.  The sordid journey undertaken to step back out of our lives and take "the strangers" views of something we may not really want to see... ourself. To be able to honestly and passionately take a personal inventory, To see ourselves as others would see us, to strip away the rose colored glasses that so wonderfully superimposed image of our desired version of who we WANT to be over who we truly are....

   Yet, if we are to grow, if we are to develop, if we truly seek to find the heart that seeks us, to embrace it, to hold it, to become 1 heart with it, this trip cannot be avoided. We must learn who we truly are, and what we truly seek. So it must begin with definitions......

So who am I? 

Does this mean I am weak? Damaged? Needy? Distraught? Hardly.  Five days of every seven, I don my suit, put on my much despised tie (yes, I truly hate wearing them!),  and go help lead a sales team of 25 "Alpha" type personalities, keep the peace between them, and help them retain their focus, energy, and pursuit of their personal and professional goals.  THAT my friend, can suck the life out of you .... lol.  So why in the world would I ever want to be a Dom in my personal life?  Seemingly to continue that same type of developmental role in my time off? Because at my heart, in my core, at the center of who I am ... that is what I am.  I can no more change that than the moon can decide to orbit elsewhere for a better view of the universe.  

So ...back to my inventory. My honest inventory ....

I am strong.  I am resilient

Notice I did not say invincible. I am not pounding my own chest. But, I know I am strong enough to face whatever life has thrown at me so far. And I have both endured it and become a wiser person for the travels.  

The death of a parent,  the suicide of friends, the end of 30 year marriage, and all the other tribulations and trials of my life, I have weathered them. Not always perfectly, not untouched, and certainly not without damage. But I still exist..... and am stronger for the travel, and have repaired my battle damage, and healed the parts of my soul that took those hits to become the person I am today.

I am not perfect

None of us are. At times I am headstrong and bullheaded, especially when faced with troubles, guess it comes with being Irish German. I tend to muster my strength and prepare for whatever is coming in times of trouble. I know there will be time afterward to repair, but cannot be focused on that during the battle,  And if the trouble involves a loved one, God help the person bringing it.  Now not saying I am psycho with a pen fetish, but I won't give up defending my own ....

I am not the most physically fit person I know of, lol. But it is something I work on daily.  Reason? Because I want to make sure that when I find her, we have all the time I can possibly give her together.. that's why.  Because I want to see my granddaughter become the person she is destined to become.  Because I want to see my grown children happy with their lives, and succeed in whatever manner suits them. Because I want to live long enough to die with no regrets...

I am not complete

My journey thus far has led me to see a part of me I never knew was there. There is a empty space inside me that will only be filled by completing my journey and find her.. this I know. An ever burning need to find the Holy Grail, the true BDSM Dynamic. Odd how we can live so many years and not see something inside us until we stumble on it unexpectedly ....and finally embrace  it.

Before I get started on this particular blog, let me preface it by saying if you are one of people in the world who's belief is that we live, then we die, and simply turn into nothing and vanish, this one likely is not for you! So if you read past this .. that's on you lol.

There are so many things science can and has told us about how we work, function, and continues on. But, when you look at the answers, it is blaringly apparent that science can tell us many of the "what's", but very very few of the "why's". For instance ...

We all know that if we get cut, it will heal and grow together. But WHY? What gives that particular section of our body to instruction to develop new skin and flesh, and heal the wound? And what tells it to stop producing new flesh or repairing old? Solve this one folks and you just cured Cancer.

All bodies, human or otherwise, are controlled via the nervous systems, using electricity to transmit signals and information within the body. But ... what generates this electricity? Where does it originate? How is it modulated? What allows our brain to actually store and retrieve information? 

We all have experienced physical and emotional pain in our lives.  Emotional pain can be recreated by revisiting the experience in our mind, but physical pain ... can be remembered that it was felt, but not the feeling itself. So what is it in us that allows for all this emotion? Why are we different than a tree in the forest, existing but not self aware.

   Most of us would agree that there is a something, call it a soul, call it an energy being, something that basically uses our physical bodies for our existence in the world.  And we are ever developing and changing over time. Science fiction (Star Trek and the like) many years ago actually had fantasy items  that are some of todays realities.  So, in that regard (here comes the leap for consideration!), what if they are right about human evolution? that someday we will be beings composed of pure energy, Or as some have suggested, when our physical bodies cease to function, the "energy" that is us continues to live on and evolve, free from the physical constraints we endure in our current states.

Now, let me ask you a question or two!  Remember that (be honest .. no fibs!) person (Dom, sub, whatever) that you had interest in? The one who you chatted with for a time, all the while wondering if this was "the one" for you?  The one who, because you had no idea of their physical anything, engaged in and were excited to get to know? Oh, but then came the fire hose! Stomping that fire out faster than lightning! Remember what it was? Ag difference?  Height?  Weight?  Handicap? Eyes? What exactly was it that made you do a 180 and write them off or banish them to the friend zone?

Now,  I ask you ... what if we WERE energy beings. What if you removed ALL PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES from that person, would you still have done a 180? See, the heart doesn't know any better. It just wants what it wants. It's the eyes, the fear of public opinion, our our own prejudices that torpedo these people from the good spot.  Ever wonder how happy you might have been with them if you were blind?  

Just food for thought peeps .. just food for thought....

~ID~

A few of my own .....

   What is this power we experience deep in our dreams? Is it our own power, yet untapped, undiscovered, showing us glimpses of what may yet be, reassuring us that the unwritten future still holds the promise of a brighter day? Or is it possible that somehow, we are connecting with the person we are searching for somehow, and two dreams are forged into one, even though we may not have yet met.  If we have already found that person, is it possible that even in our deepest sleep we are sharing our dreams, our power ebbing and flowing to and fro between us, drawing us closer together than our conscious minds can even perceive?

    The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened. ~James Arthur Baldwin

    It is only now, in this stage of life that I have come to embrace the facts of what we can or cannot force into reality. What cannot be forged by strength of will or sheer determination. In my pursuit of the "true dynamic", I, as many before me, have tried to find it by strength of purpose, by diverting massive amounts of my time and energy into the search, and by many many other efforts. So at last I come face to face with my predicament, and only now realize that it cannot and will not be found in these ways. 

   So for the now at least, I embrace that my path is to be the one of the solitary man,  and I will patiently embrace the beauty that life has to offer me in this journey, and try to simply trust in the powers that be that it will not always be so. But if at the end of all things, this is the way it was to be, I will know as I face my creator that I at least did not waste the greatest gift in the universe ... the moments we are alive. But, I will still enjoy the dreams ....

Every rose has it's thorn, every day has it's night,  as I enter this second stage of the Holidays, I reflect upon the events that currently permeate our lives ... Challenge? Add a section and repost it  :)

I hate this damn Virus, the distancing, the death, the sorrow, and the misery it brings to us all
I love that I still have my health, and the people I hold dear in the world have theirs..And I am proud, VERY proud of our health workers and the war they have fought, and continue to fight this pandemic on all fronts.

I hate that our troops are still overseas, fighting and dying, and the grief the families of our fallen heroes must endure.
I love having the simple freedom to be able to write this, and will always be eternally grateful for those who, past and  present, living or gone, both provide and protect that freedom.

I hate that our election is still being fought over, that our country remains, and will remain, partially divided while it continues.
I love that I live in a country where every decision or fact must stand the scrutiny of truth, and not merely be swept under the carpet, be it real or imaginary.

 I hate the bitter cold of winter, the dangers the temperatures bring, the hazard the falling snow brings with it.
I love thinking of sitting by a bay window, sipping cocoa, holding my sub, and looking at the freshly covered Earth.

I hate the commercialization of the season,  the constant bombardment from the media about this sale or that sale.
I love the look in a child's eyes as they widen with unbridled joy and pure gratitude as they unwrap their gifts.

I hate that of the approximate 686,000 police officers seerving in this country, placing their lives on the line for our protection and safety, a handful of events have caused such a backlash at the entire group.
I love that in this country, one life lost is considered too many. 

i hate that so many people spend their lives judging and hating other people merely because they are not the same as them.
I love the fact that I found The Cage, and along with it, all of you. We may not always agree, we certainly are capable of a good fight, but in the end, I know how true this community is, and that even if the method may not be sound at times, the motivation almost always is.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays Cagers, and thanks for being here   ...

~ID~

I ran this last year, many seemed to enjoy it, and I really enjoyed writing it ... so I revisited and edited it a bit for this year ..

Twas The Night Before Christmas - on the Cage

Twas the night before Christmas, just home from the pub,
Not a creature was stirring, 'cept me and my sub,
She was tied in her stockings in my dungeon with care,
With the hope that her Dom, soon would be there;

 Her bottom I'd paddled, now warm and so red,
;While the wish of an orgasm, danced in her head.
With my sub damn near naked,  and me in my cap,
I’d just settled her down, for more swats on my lap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the dungeon to see what was the matter.
from the side of the window, so no neighbor we’d flash,
still rubbing her bottom, still warm as fresh ash,

The moon glancing off her, every curve it did show,
I found myself grateful, and my heart was aglow,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
I glanced at the clock, midnight it did chime,
We were up way too late, now we had no more time.

My wishes I’d asked for now raced through my mind,
But we were not asleep, Santas here... in a bind.
We were both well aware, if he saw us awake,
No gifts would be left, our presents at stake!

We dashed for the bedroom, got there in a tick,
But just too damn slow, racing good ol’ St. Nick.
In a flash he appeared, standing there in the room,
My hopes for this Christmas, were replaced now with gloom.

He’d caught us awake, now the presents were lost,
But he just faintly smiled, we well knew the cost.
My sub started weeping, laying there on the bed,
Her eyes getting swollen, tear filled and red.

My Sir, please forgive me, she started to say,
I fear I have failed you, and ruined this day.
As her tears started running, across that sweet cheek,
My heart started breaking, and I knew I must speak.

My love I replied, there’s no fault in you,
This is not your doing, your heart is so true.
Her act of devotion, this attempt to distract,
My resolve it did strengthen, and I knew I must act.

Please Santa, I pleaded, it was not her fault,
I kept her awake, tied up by the vault.
She gives me so much, and asks for so little,
Her last Dom was cruel, he’d berate and belittle.

He promised the world, said he's honest and true,
Yet all that he sought for, was using her too.
The day that she found me, still clear in my mind,
Was my day of rebirth, her soul bound to mine. 

And on this first Christmas, together at last,
She's finally living, getting free from her past.
Please make an exception, she is not to blame,
The fault here is mine, tis me you should shame.

The gifts we have asked for, seem odd to the norm,
But I desperately need them, her heart to keep warm.
There’s paddles and crops, and tools for the top,
And blankets and cocoa, and things for sub drops

And nighties and leathers, and great stuff to wear,
Along with some comforts for great aftercare.
These things that we asked for, perhaps way too much,
Are things that we need, they’re not just a crutch.

He looked at my sub, so gentle and pure,
Then gave me a glance, as if to assure.
“my boy you are blind, it’s so easy to see,
But take some advice, from an old man like me.

Indeed your first Christmas, with her as your own,
There is more to this story, than you've ever known.
This woman God made you, and brought to you here,
He brought you here too, to help silence her fear.

For you see I have known her, battered and weak,
Her heart rent to tatters, her future so bleak. 
With her body and soul, and mind under attack,
So close to the end, with no will to fight back.

Yet the power within her, so pure and so true,
Found a way to preserve her, and bring her to you.
Her search finally ended, her future secure,
With this dynamic God gave you, so strong and so pure.

She has travelled a road, not many could walk,
In search of “a True Dom” not bullshit and talk.
When others surrendered, gave in to the dark,
She has somehow endured,  her life only a spark.

 Her soul has survived it, these heartbroken tours,
Not perfect for certain, but neither is yours.
The power within her, now blinding and bright,
She now offers to you, keep it safe with your might.

See all the toys in the world, would not be enough,
Not the whips or paddles or padded handcuffs,
The gift that is lent you, that she trusts in your hands,
This act of submission, so noble and grand.

A tear gently rolled, down Santas red cheek,
He lifted her chin, then again he did speak.
Take care of her son, protect her and pray,
Shelter her heart, and do not fade away.

Her heart is now speaking, gentle and true,
For her there's no other, no other but you.
Keep her and hold her, for her safety I pray,
And worship the gift that you hold on  this day.