Firecracker Diaries - A combination of stories, random thoughts and an appreciation log of life with Daddy

1 more day and then he will be in the air on his way back to me!!! 

The time has been dragging by in the anticipation! I have been babysitting the last couple of days and was hoping that would help to consume the time...but not so much. I’m finding that cuddling with a baby for the last couple of days has just made me miss him more.

I’m feeling like I’m floating through the last couple of days...just waiting for the time to pass. Just waiting for him to call...just waiting for a video call to see his face. Then once he does it’s like I’m frozen in that space...wanting to say everything but drawing a blank at the same time. It’s like the anticipation is making me lose my mind...literally!!!

The next 30 or so hours is making my heart race and skip beats at the same time!! It’s crazy that all I need is to be wrapped in his arms...to have his lips on mine....I have been waiting so long and now I’m wanting him so badly it hurts!! Not that it hasn’t been that way this entire time...but as it gets closer I’m getting lost in the thought of it.

I keep thinking that each time it will get a little easier...and it’s not...it actually gets harder because my need for him grows stronger over time. My submission to him grows deeper....I have to learn how to control my mind to be stronger through each time. I’m learning...it just feels like I should have found something to help this already....but I have not as of yet. I’m celebrating the fact that I’m not in tears like I was at this time last time...so there is progress!!!

I’m gonna need strength to get through the next 30 hours and still concentrate on what’s going on around me!! Lol

Until tomorrow...

2 more days!!! I’m actually aching inside for him. My body is responding to my excitement...my senses are becoming heightened!

Have you ever been so connected to someone that your body and mind respond to everything about them? Their voice, their face, their body, their smell...the way they move, the things they say, the things they don’t say, the look in their eyes, the way their fingers move, the shape of their lips, the sounds of their breathe, the beats of their heart, the way he looks at me when he is inside of me...all of these are the reasons my Master has absolute control of me.

My desire for him is insatiable. It’s not only a physical desire...it’s for is mind, his attention...and my need to serve him. As the days become shorter my need to him becomes stronger. 

It’s like the opposite of when me leaves...when he leaves I go through withdrawals...physically and emotionally I become devastated. As my emotions run through the emotions...my body does the same thing. Now that he is about to come home it’s that same but backwards...his touch could easily give me an orgasm...as well as the site of him in the flesh will bring me to tears.

I can’t wait...I long to have him...all of him...

Until tomorrow....

3 more days and then he will be coming home to me. The time is just not passing fast enough!!

I have been thinking about so many things over the past several days...one of them has been about my thoughts about a relationship.

Just so we are clear...I’m learning how to be in a healthy relationship. I have never been in a relationship that I would consider healthy...or anyone would consider healthy. I have seen everything from abusive to neglecting and experienced the emotions that are derived from them. And as hard as I try to not let past experience have any baring on my current relationship...sometimes it creeps in.

Today during a conversation...I asked a question about something that I really didn’t care about but was curious...and the response hurt my feelings. Then my Master got frustrated with me because I didn’t communicate in that moment why I got upset. Well...I was in a spot I couldn’t speak freely and also I needed to process for myself why it hurt my feelings.

We got it all worked out...but I really did have to think about why it hurt my feelings...even when it was about something that I didn’t really care about. I know that my head and self esteem has been damaged from different things in my life...but I don’t want any of that in my world anymore!!! 

I want everything to be about us and what we are learning together about our love. I don’t want any of the ugly love lessons to be apart of the love story that we are writing...I want us to have blank pages to fill.

So how do I erase my emotional memory to not respond negatively to an innocent response from someone that has not emotionally scarred me??? It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to me....

This man makes me happier than I have ever been...and the pages of

Life we are writing together are beautiful...I would give anything for this love to be the one that taught me the right way....but since it isn’t I have to work on making sure that this one is about us and nobody else... and enjoying the ride while we write our story!

Until tomorrow....

4 more days!!! So excited!! And I will be busy over the next several days so the time should fly by!!!

I did what I said I was gonna do yesterday...I got up and got myself ready to go to the gym!! Then got a sweet surprise with our early morning video call!! I didn’t think we were going to be able to have one this morning since he had already told me he was going to be busy...but he made it work and was able to call me!!!

I’m not sure if he knows or not...but for me hearing his voice and seeing his face is like morning coffee...I need it. I hope he feels the same about me...but for me it makes my day go so much better when I can start it off right. 

I know I have co-dependency issues when it comes to him. I feel empty without his communication. I wait for the calls, I wait for the texts...so much so that I never leave my phone and I usually have an earbud in so I can ensure I hear the alerts. If I call him and he doesn’t answer...I immediately worry. Mostly about his safety...I don’t have the “what the hell is he doing thoughts”...more like the “oh no...he didn’t answer...I hope everything is ok”....and the longer he takes to call back...the stronger the worry gets.

He’s not in the safest job in the world so it’s understandable to feel this way...but my mind will take over and thoughts of “how will I get to him if something happens?” “How will I know?””what will I do if something happens to him??” ...and before I know it, I’m a mess!!!

Is this a girl thing?? Do men ever think like this??

Anyway...I did a good solid 1 hour and 15 mins at the gym...make-up was on point and I did pretty good with my diet today considering the circumstances!! I’m proud of myself!!! I’m hoping that he will see the little changes to when he gets home!!

It’s all better when we are together or at least closer. Sorry for the rambling...just some thoughts of the day!!

Until tomorrow...

Only 5 more days left and it is DRAGGING!!! I need him home!!!!

Soooo...I’ve been in a funk lately...mostly missing him and bored out of my mind while job hunting...and it doesn’t help when your stir crazy, missing your Master and your on your period!! So to say that I’ve been emotional over the last couple of days would be an understatement.

I broke down and talked to him today about it...and also about trying to get feedback about if I’m doing the right things and doing what I should be about learning about this lifestyle. He reassured me and told me a few things...which I’m grateful for. I’m not really sure what I was looking for him to say...I also don’t know why it makes me so nervous to talk to him about what I might be feeling...but it does. I think I get so tied up in my head that I will push him away because I’m not doing what I’m supposed to...or I will push him away if I ask to many questions because that’s not what a submissive does. He is very supportive...and continues to talk to me about communication and how important it is. I think I get so wrapped up in the...should I or shouldn’t I discussion in my head that I freak myself out.

So what did I do??? I read another article about how to be a better sub. And what I got out of it was...I need some retail therapy!! One of the best ways I can be better for him is focus on myself. I am a direct reflection of him...in every aspect. This means the way I talk, the way I look and my health. 

So one thing that I will focus on while he is away is me. My body and my health...dedication to my gym time and my diet. My skin routine. My wardrobe and my physical appearance. This means making myself to his liking even when he is not here. I will allow myself some no make-up days to let my skin rest...but I would not be around anyone. I will continue to ask for permission for my daily activities...and consult him on decisions. This will also help to ease my mind about obsessing about him...not that I will ever stop being obsessed with him...but building my personal power just increases the power I give to him.

I think that this will help me focus on something good for myself...that will benefit him in so many ways. I also think that building on me will bring me the satisfaction I crave the most...his satisfaction.

Until tomorrow...

Only 6 more days!! I’m missing him so much over the last couple of days...more than normal. I think a lot of it has to do with excitement for our upcoming trip....but either way...I’m ready to have him back.

I was reading today and found a great website that you should check out... Domsubliving.com. There are a couple of articles that have really helped me change my train of thought...especially when I get sad. It really helps me get out of my head and focus on what I need to do in the relationship.

There is a great article about things to do when you have a long distant BDSM relationship. How do keep the kink while you are apart? Things like me keeping this blog so he can see my journal...having video calls...setting a schedule for video calls that have a theme or an activity to do together (dinner, watch a show, take an online BDSM class, etc)...still doing punishments and different ideas for punishments...gift ideas and sub maintenance ideas while apart. It also gives me lots of ideas on topics to discuss with my Master.

Sometimes I have so many questions that I feel like I might overwhelm him with my questions. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t ask or bring up topics to discuss since I’m the submissive....I mean is it my place to bring up these conversations? Would I be over stepping my bounds? Or do I just overthink all of this...and I should sit back and wait for his direction...and then at that point we can discuss if I have questions or concerns?

It’s hard when have just a little bit of time together. We try and pack in so much in the 10 days we do have together...and I also have to remember that these are his days off...so he does need to rest too. I will get to spend some more time with him on his next trip back to work as I will go to him over Christmas and New Years...so we won’t have such a huge gap of time apart!!

Maybe I’m just too eager to please...and just want to ensure he is pleased. It’s hard to know for sure when your apart....it’s so much easier when he is with me...I know when he is pleased...and I can also get into a mini routine of what to do...and he tells me.

Just 6 more days though....and maybe I can make use of some of my readings!!!

Until tomorrow...

7 more days to go...and my excitement is building!! I honestly am tapping my fingers already!!

So with all this excitement and trip planning....why the tears tonight? Why did tears just start streaming down my face the moment I got off the phone with him tonight? Not just little tears...fat sobbing tears!!

I’ve been so consumed with being sick, Christmas shopping and trip planning that I had not realized how busy I have been. Busy is a good thing while he is gone...it keeps my mind going and the time passing faster. But today it kind of slowed down for me...and I think the lonely set in a little.

Lonely is not always a bad thing. It helps you appreciate all the time you do have...and cherish the physical touch so much more when he’s with me....but it does make me cry.  

I was alone before him...and I have felt lonely before...but now...with him...it takes on a new meaning...a deeper feeling of emptiness without him. It’s not about any attention or physical contact...it’s simply to be in his presence...this is when I feel alive. Without him either on the phone or together...I just exist. Just waiting to be back with him.

I know this sounds crazy...and maybe it is...but it’s truly the way I feel. I still have my identity and am very much still my own person...but I just feel black and white ...no color without him.

We will be back together soon enough and these feelings will be gone...my Master will bring color back into my world and my heart back to my chest. Until then...there might be a few more tears...

Until tomorrow...

Day 12! 8 more days to go!! 

I read blogs on here and some are inspirational, some are witty, some are sad, some are just good advice and some are really great stories. Depending on my mood I like to read different kinds each day. Sometimes if I start reading one and I can tell it’s going to be sad...I will have to stop and go to another blog...especially on my sad days. I like to read the different points of view...it really helps when you’re still learning.

Since I’m not that experienced...there are times that I have to google something from a blog to find out exactly what they are talking about.?...But anyway there are so many people on here that are new or still learning...and I have read in so many blogs that they need advice or they need a mentor...how do you find people to mentor you?

I’m not even sure if I need one? My Master is very good at communicating with me, setting expectations and rules and guidance. He explains things to me when I have questions. He challenges me to learn more on my own through reading...and encourages me to find like minded people. I feel very comfortable with him and it’s part of my requirements to talk to him about everything. 

But how does a sub find a mentor when it seems everyone is new? How does a Dom find a mentor when they are new? I personally don’t know anyone in my world that is in this lifestyle. My family is way to conservative to understand my lifestyle. I’ve often wondered if there is someone that I know that keeps it secret...and feels like me? I have friends that know about my lifestyle...but it’s not theirs...so it’s not like we can have discussions and compare notes...it’s usually just them asking me questions.

It would be nice to hear some others layouts of their relationships. I would like to have sexual advice about how to please him better or new ideas on how to bring him more pleasure. Advice on things I can do with my body to make it even better for him...like how in the hell do you use Ben Wa balls?! What resources do others use...books, videos, etc?To hear what other subs do for their Master...or to even be able to get new ideas on how I can better serve mine. 

I want to be the best for him. I want him to always look forward to his time with me. I want to blow his mind...

Until tomorrow....

Day 11...only 9 more days until I can be kissed by his sweet lips!! Time is flying by...and all the plans we have are making me so excited!!!

Master said to me today..”You will have to pack us for the trip before I come home” since we will leave the next day after he gets home. I agree and then he says...”Make sure you pack all of the toys and tools”...well of course Master!!! 

My mind is going wild with all the scenes that could happen!! You see...it’s kinda of rare thing to have access to the entire house all to ourselves!!! We will have 5 days in a house ALONE...OMG the possibilities!! And since I’ve already had 2 infractions since he has been away...what will punishment look like??!

My desire for him is so strong...and I want to explore more of the BDSM lifestyle with him. To explore more kinks and find where I can really please him like never before. Allowing myself to submit everything to him. I want to see all of his dominant side come out and take his control...and show me I am his. 

It’s not just the sexual side of it...it’s everything. This man makes me feel whole...he makes me feel everything in hi-definition...he brings me to life. Tears will fall at the slightest whiff of his scent, from the look in his eyes and at the sound of his voice...tears of joy for the love he gives to me. How could you not want to give your everything to show your appreciation for this gift? 

Needless to say I’m beyond excited. I can’t even remember a birthday that I’ve been looking forward to since I turned 21! But I’m looking forward to this birthday...he will be home and I will be receiving the best gift of all...him.

Until tomorrow...

Finally to day 10!! Half way there!! Finally to that mark of being able to count down just 10 more days until he is home...

Some thoughts from today...

Throughout my life I’ve encountered different types of relationships...some good and some not so good...but those helped define who I am today. I can reflect at how I used to be...and be happy with where I am personally at this very moment. I’m not bitter about my life lessons from past relationships...because I’ve always had the philosophy that everything is a lesson...it’s all up to you on whether you listen and learn and turn it into something beneficial for you life...or let it become an excuse for why you are not happy.

I’ve always been a very non-drama person. I don’t like to fight...I don’t like to argue...I know now it’s because at my core I’m submissive and just want to please. I don’t understand how or why anyone would continue to subject themselves to uncomfortable drama when it torments your soul. I truly don’t know why everyone doesn’t want to be happy and enjoy the moments all the time...and if you can’t do that where you’re at...then take steps away from the situation until you can!!

I know I’ve been told that I live in a lala land of pansies and poseys...and I say why not!! It’s my life...why not make it the happiest you can. But with that said...that doesn’t mean for one second that I don’t have a standard or a line that won’t be crossed. I have a very unique ability to cut off all emotions for you like a light switch if you cross  that line. 

I think everyone should love their “one” freely and fiercely. You should be passionate about each other in all aspects of life. You both should feel confident in the trust you build together and be clear with each other on expectations and where each other’s line is. You should be confident in the words you speak to each other...and promise to always be honest...even when you know that it might not be what the other wants to hear. Have constant communication...and express what you need and want...even when it might be ridiculous!

Be honest with yourself and make the decisions you need to make that make your life better. Sometimes that’s not what someone else’s wants...but you have one life...LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST!!

Until tomorrow...