Firecracker Diaries - A combination of stories, random thoughts and an appreciation log of life with Daddy

The days are counting down...and I’m starting to feel the countdown to him coming home! I miss him so much...

I had a bad dream last night...it was one of those dreams that manifested from a conversation where I took something that was said (nothing horrible) but my lonely brain changed it into something it wasn’t. I worried about it instead of talking to him about it...because my sane brain kept telling my crazy brain it was ridiculous and to stop...so why bring up something that was a no issue and I knew?!?!? But the worry brain still worried about it...which in turn made me have a nightmare. This could have also been cold medicine induced...but still. When Master called me first thing this morning...I guess he could hear it in my voice...he asked and I didn’t tell him...when he called again a little later he asked again...I knew I had to tell him...so I explained as I have on here why I didn’t bring it up...and he simply said...well they me anyway so I can confirm that you have nothing to worry about. Problem solved....I am always amazed how he can read me like no one else...even just through a phone call. He can calm my mind like no one else...and I know that I need to talk to him when about everything...but have you ever known that your having unrealistic thoughts or emotions...and the more you try to urge them away...the more you think about it!! Ugh...

Anyway...on a happy note....We have scored us an invite to a private BDSM club! I’m so excited!! I have never been to anything like this...and can’t wait to actually meet like minded people! My imagination is already in overdrive!!! I will be with my Master...proudly his Submissive!! It will be one hell of a birthday this year!!

Until tomorrow...

Lust, Sex and Love. These three things are very powerful. If you really think about it...these 3 little words can control the world.

They can exist alone, or together in different combinations. Sometimes there is one without the other or others. Sometimes you have two of them but not the third. Sometimes you have none of them.

All of these can stir multiple kinds of emotions....in fact any emotion you can possibly think of ...any one of these can be at the root of it. They all make your body physically feel things...both good and bad. And the lack of any of them can do the same thing as if you had them.

My younger brain always connected lust and sex to love. I now know that is incorrect. You can have either of those or just one of those without love. 

Love is a totally different animal from the other 2....and it means something different for everyone...and it’s different as to how you give it to others depending on that person. The way you love a mate is different than the way you love your mother, etc. You can love someone and they don’t have to love you back. Love also can change...the way you love them can change. There are some people that give love freely...and others that hold it tight and only give it to a few...if any. 

However you are...I think everyone should experience all of these at least a few times in their life. Whether it be individually or combined together. And no matter what emotion any of them has spurred for you in the past...keep experiencing them...because when you find the perfect combination of all three with the one person that can blend that perfect harmony with you...it’s all worth it.

When you have that perfect combination of lust, sex and love with someone that knows you like nobody else...and that person feels the same way...the stars align and those 3 words all become one...Love.

Until tomorrow...

Today I was looking for places to stay for a little trip we are planning in December. I have been looking for homes to stay in...you know like Airbnb and HomeAway. It’s very interesting to me looking at other people’s homes.

I’m a very curious person...I notice the slightest of details on things and people. There are times that I purposely don’t try and pay attention to these things because I can get wrapped up in them. I will let my mind go into overdrive thinking about the why’s or how’s and coming up with so many conclusions or scenarios very active imagination.

There is no set story that I play out about things...it’s always different. I’ve always thought that I write the best novels inside my head...but no matter the story that I play out in my head...it always always always ends happy. Even when it starts out sad or even scary horror film type stuff...my endings always are good. 

I think those of us that are submissive...we always do this for others. It’s part of our desire to please...we always no matter what will find a way to make it happy for someone. Sometimes at the detriment of ourselves.

I’ve been learning how to write that happy story in my head for myself and it’s such a beautiful thing. Learning to free yourself by submitting to someone is ironic but it’s very true for me. 

My story in my head included lots of scenes with my Master in these homes I am clicking picture by picture through. Some included ravenous sex scenes...but mostly it included just being with him...watching a movie, cooking dinner, enjoying the scenery, cuddling by a fire or simply holding hands as we walked to a shop.

I love that my stories are getting sweeter in my head...especially when they come to me. I have my Master to think for this...he sets a great example of how to enjoy life and he continues to free my mind more and more.

Until tomorrow....

Felt better this morning...but as the day passed by I started to feel run down again...damn cold!!! Anyway...hopefully you all got some Cyber Monday shopping in...I know I sure did!!

I picked up things for family members...some things so My Master...and then I got sidetracked!!!

I have a task that has to be completed before Sir gets home...and that’s to find and obtain nipple clamps with weights. So I thought hey...everyone is having a sale today...I bet I can find a good deal!! 

So I google nipple weights...and came to a website called “Extreme Restraints” which is a website that basically has everything you can imagine for a BDSM play house! I start with my weighted nipple clamps and some how I’m wrapped in a world of jeweled butt plugs, men’s locking Chastity devices, fucking machines and gallon sized lube! 

I was mesmerized!! Talk about letting the freak side of me out...I looked at pictures at how things worked...read the descriptions...sometimes had to read it out loud to make sure I was understanding. I mean this website was great!! Especially for the curious submissive soul such as myself!! It showed real pictures...showed multiple ways you could use that particular product! I could have loaded up the cart...purchased a ridiculous amount of things...and been ready for Master when he got home with a giant grin on my face waiting for him to choose his first choice of game play!!

I got so wrapped up in it...it’s almost a little overwhelming now about which clamps I should get! There are a zillion kinds...4oz and 8oz weights...vibrating ones...sucking ones...ball to magnet piercing ones...I’ve never ever seen them much less tried them!!! And they have presented me with a giant buffet of them...which ones!?!?!?

I will look again tomorrow and try to stay focused...but it was sure fun going through all the options!!  Lol

Until tomorrow...

I’ve been a little sick...nothing horrible...just a little cold. So today I stayed in the bed...most all day. And after today I know for certain that I am completely and utterly obsessed with my Master.

He called several times today...mostly on video chat...and one of the times he said “Have you not changed the sheets since I left?” No I have not.... why you ask??? Well they still smell like him!!!

I am a clean freak when it comes to most things...except my car and when it comes to his smell! I also like to have clean sheets regularly...I’m normally a once or twice a week sheet changer...or at least I was before him. I think if he were here all the time it would be the same...but he’s not. He gets his smell and out smell all in this bed for 10 days...and then I have 20 nights without him! Is it so bad to want to keep his smell lingering here as long as I can keep it??

I have a shirt that I refer to during the day...I could go sit in his car for a bit...but to have is smell wrapped around me while I sleep...or like today while I feel bad...is priceless. Even for the clean freak I am...

It’s like his pictures...I look at them daily...all of them! I miss him so much...and while I can’t have his touch at the moment...I can smell him and look at has beautiful face...and I can see my collar every time I look in the mirror. These things I hold very dear to me...along with our texts and calls...without these things it would be simply unbearable.

I know I’m obsessed...and I don’t care! Surely some of you out there have some odd obsessions...and I bet you love it too!

Until tomorrow...

I was reading another blog today and it really got me thinking....why is BDSM such a taboo subject in the vanilla world? If people actually took the time to learn about it I think they would be surprised...

Take myself for example. Before the last couple of years I didn’t really know what it was...I thought I knew...but I didn’t. Here is what I thought...I thought BDSM was all the violent things you might associate it with...slave torture, beatings, strangling, and the complete degradation of women...and everything was built around the Dominants pleasure. I also knew that I wanted a man to be able to control me...that’s what I craved the most...was a man that wanted me like crazy but was not afraid to keep his control. I did not know that that meant I was probably a submissive.

I knew I liked to be “taken” in the bedroom. I knew I liked to please my partner. But in my life before...that was not the case. I had a partner that I could walk all over...and it just turned me off. When you have been turned off for so long...you forget what turns you on!! So I wiped the slate...got out of it and started a life that was mine...and I wanted to live it like I was craving to live.

I’m a dominant person outside of my personal life. I dominate in my friendships and in the way I conduct myself professionally. I need the opposite in my partner...and honestly I was beginning to think what I needed did not exist. I started looking in to this lifestyle and found partners that could turn me on...but could not fulfill my hunger to submit myself...it just didn’t feel right.

Then my Master came along and I immediately felt the need to submit everything to him...to serve him in every possible way. He taught me what a true Master/Slave Dom/Sub relationship should look like. He taught me that BDSM is not only about being open with what you desire and being able to be honest and open about it...but finding a person that can truly understand what you need to be satisfied. Understanding that everyone is different...and understanding that some people want the things I mentioned above...but having communication about everything to better understand each other in all aspects can open your mind, body and soul to true pleasure for yourself and then.

I think that everyone has some sort of deep seeded need to be Dominant, Submissive, Switch, etc. I also think that if the world was more educated on understanding themselves sexually and personally...everyone would be much happier. I mean if we were taught what it all was when we were younger and been able to decide what path we wanted to take...would anybody choose vanilla??? Maybe...but not me.

I’m so thankful for my Dom/Master/Sir/Daddy not only for his guidance, love and life he gives me...but for opening my eyes to what BDSM is and where I fit in. I can truly say that I feel fulfilled and satisfied with my life now...and true pleasure is an understatement.

Until tomorrow....

I had to do something to snap out of it. I had to get out of my head...so I did a little pampering for myself today. Mani/Pedi with a Christmas theme to help me get out of a funk! 

It’s funny how a little pampering and a little shopping can put you at ease...even if just for a little while! I also took advantage of a lot of deals today and satisfied my need to do for others (gifts for Christmas).

It was nice to break out of the sadness for a while...

On the way home (1 1/2 drive) I lost cellphone coverage...and when I got it back...a voice message came through...from Master...oh NO!!! I missed a call!!! I’m in trouble!!! I listened to the message...and sure enough...he said this is the 2nd time you miss my call...there will be punishment. Holy Shit!!! 

After some begging and pleading for understanding...I could talk myself out of the no service one...but not the one in the morning while my phone was on silent (was a family’s house and didn’t want to wake anyone) would not be forgiven.

In a weird way I’m glad he holds me accountable for these actions...even though I did not do it on purpose. But knowing that he is holding me to a standard that he will not compromise on...is worth it. I am his and I am his above everything else...this alone should never keep me from breaking a rule...and even when it was not done with intention...i am still accountable for my decision to put my phone on silence and missed his call.

I’m glad that we are also starting to get back in a groove after D Day...I think we both need it.

Until tomorrow...

I never realized how difficult a holiday would be without your true love. Even though I have lots of family all around me...the one I love the most is all by himself. It’s just not fair.

The bright spot was talking to him the evening...seeing his bright and shiny face. Hearing his sweet voice and having his smart ass side poke fun at my pimple! 

Im learning how to cope with this life...and being without him....but I will never get used to it. It literally feels like my heart is outside of my body...and even though my body is functioning it’s just not quite right.

When all you want to do is please and serve him...and I can’t at this very moment...is torture. If this were a punishment...it would be the most cruel of all of them. 

It’s just day 2 and the pain of him gone is still fresh...I know the scab is forming....but it’s still very raw in me at the moment. It’s just trying to get back into the swing of things...I prepared better mentally this time...but the holiday put a new spin on it for me. 

Thank-you all for your support...it helps me tremendously! You all had me crying this morning with your words of encouragement. It truly means the world to me....

Until tomorrow...

Day 1 after D Day still hasn’t gotten any easier. It’s so hard adjusting to the change in the amount of contact I get to have with him. It’s almost a shock to the system...like an addict being denied their drug.

I remember last time I lost my mind a little and slipped into that dark place of doubt. I just kept thinking today how he reacted to my doubt last time...and that kept me acting right today! It also helped me that today was a busy day...and being with family for the holiday is helping to keep my mind going. But I still have him on my mind no matter what I am doing.

I really had to concentrate on not going down that depression road when I didn’t get to talk to him first this morning. For his voice to be the first I hear. I think I did pretty well considering!!! I’m also feeling extremely bad about not being there for him during the holiday...I know there is nothing I can do about it...but it still doesn’t change the fact that I feel bad or guilty or sad about it...it almost feels like I shouldn’t be able to enjoy it without him.

It’s tough...you can even see the stress in my body! My face has a pimple!! WTF??? I don’t get pimples!!! I’m way over that stage of life!!! But there it is staring back at me in the mirror...telling me “see...look at your ugly face!! I bet he’s glad he doesn’t have to see this” Those damn ugly doubt demons try and surface wherever they can...ugh....

Here’s to getting on to day 2....I want the time to pass faster...19 to go...

Until tomorrow....

It was a hard day...D Day...the day he has to leave to go back to work...21 days until he comes back home.

It doesn’t get any easier. The way I approach it has changed...but easier NO! This time was particularly sad because I was fortunate enough to spend the entire 10 days with him...we were apart maybe as long as a hour this entire time while I went to the gym...other than that I got to be with him.

I make sure I don’t cry...at least not in front of him. I make sure to stay positive...no sadness in the air while we are together. 

In the shower this morning...as I bathed him...I didn’t want to stop...i made sure to mentally take a picture of every inch of him. I made sure I listened to his heart beat just a little longer last night. I made sure to look at his eyes and his lips a little longer this morning.

And even though this is the most dreaded day for us both...we both make each other smile...try not to make an emotional mess out of the last moments we have. 

I made it through most of the day without any tears. I will say that the drive away from the airport always has tears flowing....but I was able to gain composure by the time I was back home. No more tears during the day...thankfully I have been busy with Thanksgiving prep and job stuff....but on our nightly call he sweetly tells me he hung one of his shirts in my closet...an undershirt. He tells me he knows how much I loved the first shirt he left for me....so he left a new one that’s fresh with his scent for me....tears (just the kind that come out and roll down your face without even trying).

So now I sit here writing this blog...with his pillows all around me and his shirt in my lap...and tears are steady flowing. It’s only been 11 hours or so...and I miss

Him so....I’m thankful for the many pictures and videos I have of him...and yes I look at them all...many many times until he comes back to me.

Love is a powerful thing....I’m blessed to Love and be loved by him. I am strong and so is he...it’s just another 20 days...we get stronger together every time.

Until tomorrow...