Firecracker Diaries - A combination of stories, random thoughts and an appreciation log of life with Daddy

Day 9 and its basically the half way point to having my Heart back to me. I miss him so much...I see him on our video chats and I just want to touch him. Its so funny how its the little things that mean the most...the way he softly rubs my cheek in the middle of the night, the smell of his skin, his breathing when he sleeps, the biting of his cheek when he's not realizing he's doing it, the energy he brings into a room...

Ok...enough of that before I cry...

I had a friend notice my collar today. She said...I love your necklace...did "He" get it for you? I said yes...and she said Oh that's so sweet...I'm going to have to tell him he did a good job! It looks so good on you! She made a mention about it having hand cuffs...but never ask a thing. A little later she called me (she was just in another office) and said...Why does your necklace have hand cuffs? I said...would you really like to know? She said yes...and I said to come back over to me and I would be more than happy to explain.

Now...this is the first person that has notice my necklace...or maybe the first person that really to notice to it. As I was waiting for her to come back and talk to me I was thinking to myself...How am I going to explain this? Is she ready for my truth? And I realize that this is my moment to be honest about my lifestyle and how I have chosen to live it....this is not a blog...this is not a random person...this is real and in person...and its my time to explain to her what this means.

She came in a sat down...I showed her that the heart is really a lock...and it's locking the handcuffs together...and I can't take it off. I don't have the key...my Master does. She just looked at me kind of strange...and I said it's my collar. Her eyes got big...and she just said OOOOhHHHH. I then asked her if she knew what that meant...and she said "I think so...it means he owns you". I said yes it does...but let me explain it all to you.

I took the time to explain what the collar meant and what it meant to me and him. I took the time to explain the Dom/Sub relationship. I took the time to explain to her that its more that just kinky sex...that when I became his submissive that it means that I surrender all to him...my body, mind and soul. That there is nothing he doesn't know about me...and how I have rules to live by that ensure that I am surrendering all of my mind to him and building a bond like no other. That by doing these things I am opening up all aspects of myself and allowing him to control it all...and through this I am able to experience a love like no other...and to enjoy the physical parts of the relationship like you can never imagine. That when you are truly free and open with your one...the experiences you have together are more than electric...they are pure ecstacy.

She was so mesmerized by the time I was finished...I'm sure she is at home now googling everything she can about it! As for me...I felt liberated!!! I felt like I had just freed a secret that I never want to be a secret!! I was able to explain to someone that the love I have for this man is so much more that love...He is my heart, my protector, my lifes blood, my air I breathe....I was always meant for him...and my body has its missing piece and I finally feel whole.

I have been on cloud 9 ever since letting out this truth...I love how the honesty verbally made me feel even more honest with myself...and even more in love with him. I love how what I thought might get a judgement, was greeted with compassion and a confession of her own that she wished for that kind of love. 

It did make me miss him a little more today....because all I wanted to do was come home and worship him for what he has given me. He will reap the benefits of this day when he returns...I will thank him over and over again...as long as he lets me ..:-)

Until tomorrow.

I know this is a random subject...but stick with me. With all the Halloween hype and movies it just has me thinking about ghosts. Not this floating bedsheet kind of ghosts...but the ghosts we gather through this life.

We have a kinds of ghosts that "haunt" us...past relationships, failures, family issues, personal tragedies, etc. And we let these ghosts haunt us and tear us down. Everyones ghosts effect them in different ways...depression, promiscuity, drugs, alcohol, self mutilation, etc. Some people like their ghosts...and define their lives by them. Some people fight them everyday wanting them to go away. Some do a little of both.

I've seen all kinds of ways that ghosts effect people...and let them define their lives. Some sad, some interesting, some are down right scary...and thats all OK if its working for you. But I bet for the most part its not...

I was thinking about my life before and how I had a lot of "ghosts" that were dragging through life with me. I used a lot of my ghosts to give me excuses....or even push me through the hard times. But now that I am starting to see clear and understanding what life is...and how it is meant to be....Im starting to feel like I have been a ghost in my own life.

The way I am opening up to him (and myself) is helping me see that I have floated through life not really letting anyone see me. They may have seen parts...and there are some people that have seen a lot of my parts....but I have never truly let anyone see all of me. To know whats going on in my head....how I over think everything, how I have so many questions bouncing around in there that no one else would care about, how I study people and want to know their story, what really turns me on, how I can be cruel, how I can be so blind to truths, how I have a morbid curiosty about things...I could go on...but you get the drift. There is no one on this planet that I have shown my true self to....until now.

There are somethings that I am discovering everyday...for myself...but no matter what I am finding out about myself good or bad...I am not afraid to show it to him.

I have no idea how he knows that I need to talk...how does he make me want to tell him everything?? I mean...I can be sexy, stupid and an incredible dork in the matter of minutes...and he loves it. I can do in front of him what I have only ever been able to do in the shower or in the car by myself. He knows more about me in the span of months...then people do that have been in my life for my entire life.

Each day that passes I can feel another ghost passing on and leaving me. Soon all of my "ghosts" will be a distance memory....and I feel the life that they were taking away from me coming back more each day.

My Master has all the glory for what he is doing in my life. I will never be able to give him what he deserves in return...but I submit my mind, body and soul to him as my gift to him. 

My hope is that you can recognize a "ghost" that you have been letting haunt you for to long...and let it go. Surrender to the power of submission and open up your soul to a new dominance...if you have not found your one to help you...then let your own power help you...so when you do find your one...you are ready to accept without the ghosts.

I have been truly blessed today by reading all the encouraging words/comments on my post from yesterday. It is really humbling to know that their are so many of us that feel the same ways about ourselves and our lives. I have been on this journey of change and discovery of myself for a while now...and up until recently it has truly been by myself.

When I found my Master...I never would have dreamed in a thousand years that he would be my Master. You know how when you meet someone and there is a spark that lights a fire...but you feel that you are the only one that knows that the fire is burning...and you should just keep that fire hidden because he would never chose you...NEVER. Well that was me with him...He would grace me with his presence, melt my heart and then off he would be...in his world that had nothing to do with me. I would dream about him, have butterflies at the thought of him, flirt with him...but everything in me said he will never be with you...NEVER. And then the day came that he looked at me different...or maybe he just finally let me see that he looked at me different...and when the moment came to his lips touching mine...I knew. I knew because I have been waiting my whole life for that moment. That moment when every single thing that I thought I knew about love, sex, devotion, passion and desire...came rushing in to say that everything has been getting you ready for him.

The night that I felt his hand on my neck in such a way that showed me he wanted me...and he wanted more that just my body...he wanted all of me....he wanted my mind, body and soul. I whispered to him that I wanted him to dominate me...that I could feel what he wanted...and I wanted to submit. Little did I understand what that meant at the time...little did I know that I would have to work hard to give to him what he deserved.

He took time to help me understand what submission is and what I would have to do to be his. How he wanted all of me...he wanted my thoughts, all of my emotions, all of my truths, he wanted us to be one in all aspects of the word. He gave me time to understand and agree. I have rules that I must live by...I can't hide anything from him...nothing at all...he must know everything...all the emotions, all the fears. I must ask for permission for everything...which i have learned is helping me be truly open with him. In fact...I am learning that every single rule is helping me become more in tune with him and becoming one...and these rules are imperative while he is away...to keep me focused on my focus of us.

This is also opening up parts of myself that I have hidden away...even from myself. Some days are hard...really hard. I mean there is parts that I don't want to be honest with myself about...much less anyone else....but he is there with me every step of the way...and now I see a growing community of friends that are just like me. It really helps to know that there are others out there that feel the same way I do about relationships, that understand why I submit to him, that see the beauty in what we do and understand the emotions...understand that my love for my Master cant compare to a love in the vanilla world....that the love for my Sir is to my core...he is literally my heart...and he is the only person that keeps it beating. How the pain of being with out my Master is real...not just an emotion.

I wanted to share a couple of excerts from an article about submissives. I relate to these so much...They are some of the why's my soul has been searching for him...why I want to submit to him my everything...and why it pleases me to do so:

Deep Trust & Intimacy: I give my subs a safe emotional/sexual sanctuary. They show me a deeply intimate part of themselves that they have usually never shown any other man, even their former husbands and boyfriends. They know they are emotionally safe to be completely “naked” with me knowing they are unconditionally accepted for their desires, kinks and fantasies. They also know that any desire or fantasy can be realized with me without any judgment, ridicule, criticism or rejection. We share a journey of deep intimacy to places they won’t likely travel to with other men.

Pleasing & Servicing Other’s Needs: Most subs are pleasers by nature and by their upbringing. There is a deep sense of accomplishment and self-worth that comes from meeting the needs of others for them. Sexually and non-sexually pleasing a Dominant give them a great sense of accomplishment and self-worth.

I hope that each one of you that read this find your one. The one that can dominant you and build you up at the same time. The one that makes the lights a little brighter when they look at you. The one that your soul comes alive for. I'm here to tell you that it's not easy...and I'm still learning to give to him my everything...but its all worth it. Be patient...and understand that sometimes becoming his means understanding and giving to yourself.

Until tomorrow...

So I messed up this morning and sent a text to my Master that sent him into frustrated mode.You see I have little moments of self doubt and I guess it has shown its ugly head more times than it should since he has been gone this time. 

I explained in a blog not to long ago how I am defining myself as an Alpha Submissive...and how I am really trying to work on truly submitting my mind over to him...it was easy to give him control over my body...and it was an easy decision to open my soul to be his. My mind is a work in progress...

I don't mean to frustrate him...that is the absolute last thing I want to do...and he wants me to stop the self doubt immediately! One of the things he reminds me of is how the self-doubting actions is not what he fell in love with and he doesn't know how to handle it...that its not me. So after tears this morning...because one of the worst things in my world to do to me when your upset with me is stop talking to me...for me its torture on my heart...breaks me to my core...and this only has power when I love you...and he was so frustrated that he didn't want to talk to me. Broken...

So why do I do this?? I am a strong, very confident woman who typically doesn't give a damn about what anyone feels about me. I will be your best friend, be the person who saves you in the middle of the night, listens to your problems at 3 in the morning, gives you advice and will be there when no one else will....Im not the kind of person that will ask for anything from anyone...Im too proud for that. I will suffer in silence and no one will know. I am happy all the time and so laid back its kinda creepy.....but I can cut people out of my world in the blink of an eye. 

Prior to him...I would have fun with someone, go out for a while and at some point we would go our separate ways. Ive always gone into a "relationship" with someone knowing that at some point they would go away...and have the attitude that when they do..C'est la vie....and its done for me. Just like that...DONE.

But now....I have made a commitment to give him my mind...and that means tearing down those magnificant walls that I have built around me to protect myself from hurt. I have worked years building these walls....I built them even when I was married...I put lots of work in these walls to protect me from being hurt my men...starting with my father. I painted the walls with beautiful colors and wonderful pictures that were all mine....now I am tearing them down.

Dont get me wrong...tearing them down for him is so worth it. He is worth it all....the pain, the remembering, the fear of the unknown...a real love, a real devotion...a real man....who is for me. He sees the doubt as a reflection of past relationships that I am pushing on him.....and I dont see that at all. I have worked hard to block out everything everyone else did to hurt me...and I haven't let anyone hurt me in a long time. But what I am doing is projecting my personal lack of trust in myself onto him.

Learning to trust yourself is by far the hardest thing I am learning to do. I trust him with everything in me....but trusting myself to be able to accept all that he is giving me is hard. Learning to trust that I am the same person without the walls I have built. Trusting that I love the person behind the walls...so he will love me too. These walls have been my protection for a very long time....so trusting that his protection is better is hard....and I realized today that me asking for reassurance from him comes across as me not trusting me...but its really not trusting the naked and exposed emotions that I have hidden from everyone...hiding behind those damn walls...trusting that I am still a great person without them. Trusting myself to be able to receive this amazing man, because I do deserve him.

I do trust him...with everything. The more walls I tear down....the more the self doubt keeps coming out. I'm hoping that I knocked a big enough hole in it today that I dont have to let him see that ugliness anymore. I am submitting my everything to him....and trusting myself.

Until tomorrow....

Today I wanted to work on some of the things I talked about in my blog from yesterday...trusting my submission to my Master. It just so happened that he wasn't going to be able to talk to me a whole lot today...so perfect timing.

I made sure to think about what he liked my hair to look like, my make-up, my clothes, etc...and focused on making sure I would be pleasing him with my appearance I got ready this morning. Focusing on his satisfaction with my presentation of myself to the world. After all I am his...I should make him proud of what he owns.

While working my thoughts never left him....but I tried hard to keep my thoughts focused on pleasing him...what we would do once he was home, how to make him smile, what I could do from here to serve him there, etc. More of he positive thoughts...not the depressive selfish thoughts that usually keep me sad. And you know...it really works!! I found myself more in a planning and thinking mode...not depressed. Its actually nice!!

While thinking I want to plan on talking to him about maybe being more specific with me on how i can serve him while he is away. I also would like to discuss the possibly of us having some set times where we focus on us and growing our Master/Slave relationship. Its good for me to have him give me direction and hear him explain. It helps me understand how to serve him better. I also gives us time to learn more about each other and how we think...and exactly what we need from each other. I believe that this helps us both create more of a bond....which makes all of physical time even more magical.

I also want us to have some sessions planned out when he comes back to play and experiment. I always want to play and have sex...I honestly cant get enough...but what I am talking about is true Master/Slave Dom/Sub sessions where we are exploring our limits and taking each other farther. I am very inexperienced and honestly have no idea what I can take, or exactly what I like...and I cant wait for him to help me find it.

I want to be amazing for him....the best he has ever had. I want him to think about our life and know that this is perfect and everything and everyone has lead us to be together....and have an amazing everything.

I'm working on making sure my mind is his....my body and soul are already his!!! My training to focus on serving him has starting today...I always think about him....now I'm just trying to make sure I use these thoughts to benefit him!

Until Tomorrow...

Today I took sometime to think about my submission to my Sir...and why somethings are so hard for me.

I read another Sub's blog and her revelation of what has been holding her back with her Master...her own mind set! Her learning to let herself truly submit to him and not try and control the situation. It made me have an AH HA moment for myself. I also read a couple of great articles on dominantsoul.com that really brought some things to light for me.

I have realized that I am a submissive that is an Alpha female in all other aspects of my life. I am naturally bossy and aggressive in everyday life. I typically intimidate other men or in my past have dominanted the relationship. This is probably why all of them have failed....that doesn't fulfill me and honestly turns me off. I think I have always desired someone that control me and could handle me...and all others never could....until I found my one.

Because I have always been this way in my life...even though it was not what I desired...I still have an urge to control a situation personally. This is not how a true submissive acts. When I gave myself to him I committed to turning my body, mind and soul over to him...and to trust him to take me and lead me in all aspects of my life. Turn over all control of everything to him. Here is an excert from one of the articles:

He is Your One: This is how an anonymous sub described her submission in a private email to me, “He is my heart divorced from my body. What I do for Him I would not do for any other soul. He often remarks that He has yet to find the thing I will not do for Him. I kneel in supplication because it honors Him. There is no way I can ever repay Him for making me whole. Instead, I give Him all of myself. There is no part that I do not offer to Him. I am not a masochist. I know he enjoys inflicting pain. I give this to Him. My tears are part of my service. I endure, comforted in the knowledge that He would never harm me.”

I really am going to work on trusting where he is leading me...being patient on our journey getting there...and having faith in the love he gives me.He is my one...and I will only do these things for him. He fell in was interested in the Alpha female that he knows in the real world...and he feel in love with the submissive that gave all of herself to him. I am learning how to be both at the same time!!

I am loving the journey...and cant wait to learn more.

16 more days...I miss him so much....but love him more everyday.

Until tomorrow.

Today was a much better day...a whole lot less emotional!! Yay!!! Then I made a poor decision to make a "joke" to Sir concerning something that resembled an emotion from yesterday....not a good idea. Because my emotions have been all over the place throughout our new relationship (a whole lot has happened in a short amount of time) and his emotional side is very different than mine...Its understandable that the "joke" didn't come across that way. But on the bright side it opened up a window for us to have a serious conversation on how each of us see and take the emotions we are feeling.

After our conversation it left me feeling guilty about what I had been dealing him...so I decided I needed to read up on a few things. I found an article that discussed how men and women deal and process emotions differently purely based on our chemical make-ups.

Men need to be needed...its something that is ingrained in them from cave man days. And women have been trained over the past 100 years to take care of themselves...so how do you balance it? My balance is I submit myself to him...but I also need to show him and thank him for all the other things I need him for....the man things...he professional drive, holding my door open, ordering my food, etc. 

Remember that we all need our own time and space. His escape is the video game...and thats his release from the world...I need to give him that time. He needs to give me my time too...a long bath, a massage, book reading time, etc. I also need to make sure I take that time for myself...I need it so I can grow my own self confidence more. And remembering that a man works like this...you know how when you have a big meal and your super full so your done now...that is exactly how they work. I just got everything I need right now and Im done for now. Thats with just about everything...they get their fill and then they are done...no over thinking, no remanissing, no shoulda coulda woulda thoughts....its literally I got full and Im done and dont worry about it until Im hungry again. Compare that to a woman's brain...OMG.

I just need to remember that even though I don't see his tears...he is hurting and missing me too. I don't expect him to do anything about my hurt...other that just love me through my missing him.....and all he needs from me is to be strong and verbal about what is going on in my head....He can't read my mind.

I Do LOVE my Daddy very much...and I hope he knows that...even when it seems I'm crazy.

Until Tomorrow.

All I can say about today is that I am glad it's almost over! It's so frustrating to me because after my blog last night I got up this morning ready to face the day...even though I was running on little sleep due to tossing and turning in an empty bed.

I woke ...sang in the shower...put on a professional outfit...did my make-up and hair...and thought I looked pretty good concidering I hadn't really slept and had cried the day before. I'm guessing that I didn't look so hot...as all greetings were started with "You look tired"....Ok...keep pushing.....

Get to work and I am having a pretty productive day! Im missing my Sir...he has been busy today so not a lot of communication...but I'm good! Keep Pushing...

And then bomb...a hard left turn...into a wall. Something at work happens...an issue that now has HR involved...and I lose it. Between me trying to keep it together and drama at work....I just lose it. Its just all too much! The trama of Master leaving, the getting used to him gone accompanied with not getting to talk or see him as much because he is working, drama a work...It's just too much for today...

I know that I'm not making him happy with the way I am feeling...and that just makes it harder on me. Once I have got to this point its so hard to control what is coming out of me...and now it's just tears.

I need to be held..I need to be squeezed tightly....I'm in that spot that I wanna curl in a ball and hide in the closet...

I want this feeling to leave...I'm ready to be happy and content again....I know it usually takes me a couple of days...but my GOD...please give me myself back!!

I just need words of encouragement and love....what I really need right now I cant have and that is him.

Sorry for the rant...just needed to vent a little....tomorrow has to be better...

Until tomorrow.

I know...it sounds so pathetic...alone again...but its true!! I feel like I can't function correctly when he is not here. I mean I DO function...I did get up and go to work, was productive, went to the gym, picked up groceries, remembered to feed the dogs, watch a TV show, did laundry...SEE I can function...but its like its robotic or just going through the motions...

I did cry today...but it was just a few escaped tears that ran down my face. Last time on day 1...I was a huge cry bag...like a 3 year old that you had taken their candy away. This time I just feel so melancholy...like Im just floating through the day with nothing to look forward to at the end of it. I called yesterday D-Day and I feel like I am mourning the death of our time together. 

I know that I just need to look forward to the day he comes back to me...and I will...but today I just needed to mourn.

He keeps me smiling all the way through it...tries to keep the mood light and teases me about little things to keep me on my toes. I know this is his way of trying to change the mood. I know I will be back to myself in a couple of days...I just have to get used to a lonely bed, missing kisses and cuddles...not to mention the hot sex!!! 

I will start the count down to him coming home and back in his arms...Just need to let a few more tears out and all will be good again. Because there is so much to look forward to...His eyes, his hands, his lips, his arms, his amazing body...the smell of him when I snuggle his back in the middle of the night, the way he buries my nose in the back of my hair, the way my hand fits in his...basically everything!

I have a mission...I must find a job where I can be with him always...and this pain can be gone. I need him and he needs me....we need each other! He makes my world better, he makes my world the kind of world I want to enjoy and take in all of its beauty..he makes me better.

Tomorrow is a new day...and another day closer to him...

Until tomorrow. 

The last of his home time...we spend all day together. Enjoying every moment.

First we enjoyed a really long shower together... We held each other and then he gently massaged my clit with his right hand as he held my neck with the other. He brought me to orgasm and then continued my pleasure by bending me over and taking me deep....using my shoulders to pull me in harder to him. Marking my hips with his grip...sending me over the edge with multiple orgasms.

We finishing getting ready and then hit the town. Eat some lunch and then shopping. We find him some nice outfits and shoes...so he is looking fine as ever! He treats me to an outfit as well!

We do some more errands and then it’s off to the adult store...where a cat of nine tails and a vibrating egg is purchased!

We head home and snuggle on the couch for a while. I love how he is making sure to give me the extra time to snuggle...he knows exactly what I need.

We head to bed and he tells me...it’s time for your punishment. I was hoping he forgot...but he did not. He reminds me what I did and why I am about to be punished...snuggles me some more...and says 3 lashes from the cat of nine tails. 

As I lay there naked and nervous...I remember I have to count each lash and I can’t cry out or I will receive more. 

He rubs and tickles my skin with the leathers...and then the first lash is laid upon me...I count 1. Then the second and the third. It burns...my backside stings....but it wasn’t that horrible and I know I deserved it. He immediately comes to caress me and lays on my back...rubbing my ass....before I know it his hands are rubbing deeper ...and to my surprise I am wet...and he doesn’t stop...and he is inside me with his fingers...and now he is inside me with his cock...straddling my backside and taking me deep. OMG this is ecstasy...and he is slapping my ass hard...but it’s just making me more wet! He fucking me harder...My orgasm is hard and new...just making me what him more and more. He turns over and lays down and I move to get on top of him...he is so hard!!! I position myself exactly right and he pushes inside of me. My body can’t get enough of him! I’m pushing down and grinding on him hard...I’m screaming in ecstasy as orgasm after orgasm is rocking through my body...as I am almost spent he grabs two hands full of my hair and holds me in place has he fucks me hard from underneath me giving me one last orgasm with his pulsating cock as he cums hard! 

As we lay there holding each other feeling the aftershocks of an amazing session...I Know I am about to break another rule. I’m supposed to blog every night...but I’m not going to do it tonight...I don’t want to let him go tonight...not tonight. Whatever the punishment is...it’s worth it for this tonight.

Day 11 - D-Day

The dreaded day of him leaving. 

Im holding it together well. We have a wonderful morning together...snuggles, eating breakfast and him making me laugh all morning. Trying to keep the smiles on our faces...

Shower and loading the car to take him to the airport. I can feel the sadness kicking in...I don’t like this feeling...It’s just that he is my world and I feel so empty when he is gone...a piece of my soul has been taken from me.

We arrive at the airport...and I go with him to check in. All that is going through my head is - hold it together, hold it together. Every step we are hand in hand...we get to the separation point and he puts down his bag...hugs me tight...kisses me deep...pulls me in close and whispers those 3 little words that my heart has been yearning to hear....and I melt. He kisses me one last time...tells me to be strong and says I Love You one more time.

As I walk away...the tears come. Both of sadness and happiness. Emotions are a funny thing...how can I be so happy and sad at the same time?? This man is everything to me....I am his and he is Mine....

Now for another 20 days without him...

until tomorrow...