Firecracker Diaries - A combination of stories, random thoughts and an appreciation log of life with Daddy

Funny story...

I read a blog today that just took you to a porn video. In this porn video the male has his balls tied up and then proceeds to put his balls in the females ass.

Now...I have to admit that I am not the most experienced person. I don't have most of the experiences that alot of women that are my age has had. I am very green when it comes to anal sex. I had an experience once where my partner wanted to have anal sex and must have thought that I was used to it or was ready for it...and he just decided to do it...and I about came out of my skin!!! And ever since I have not tried it and honestly it scared the crap(no pun intended) out of me!!

My Master has given me some pretty amazing orgasms that included the stimulation of my ass...including some penetration of his finger or with his tongue. I have to say that because of this I am interested in trying it with him. I have read that the orgasm from anal is awesome...so who wouldn't want to at least try!!??

I was showing Sir this video while we were video chatting today...and joking/serious he said "are you ready for that?" and I said "For you to put your balls in my ass??" "my ass can barely take your finger...its so not ready for your balls!!" and he said "Well we would have to get you ready for that...you see her ass how it's more open...she has to work up to that" and immediately I felt a panic and just blurted out the first thing that came to mind..."how does she hold in her poop?" And through giggles and probably a little horror that I just asked him that question...he explained that it goes back to normal....Now all I can think is....OMG what a dumb question...why do I not know more about this stuff...I mean it doesn't embarrass me...Im not a prude...I can talk about and say anything....but when I realized how inexperienced that sounded I got embarrassed!

There is so much I want to explore with him!!! But I don't know a whole lot either....so how do I learn if I don't know?? I have to ask questions...I don't mind porn at all to learn more...but I also don't want to be seen as boring because I don't know!! Does anyone else feel like this?? Do you want to do more and be amazing to your partner?? But sometimes fear admitting that you really don't know if you will like it or how to do it because you have never done that???

Well...there you go...my funny for the day...my embarrassing moment with my Sir...showing him some of my inexperience!! But at least Im willing to try with him... :-)

Until tomorrow....

48 hours and counting!!! Im like a gitty little school girl on the weekend before the first day of school!!! I honestly can't wait to kiss him...I can almost taste him!!! I have to confess that I went to his vehicle today and just sat inside for a few extra minutes...It smelled like him...OMG...why did I not realize this sooner!!! I could have been getting a daily dose!!!

I've had a whole lot of new beginnings over the last couple of months. I finally started dating my crush...who had been my crush for the last 4 months prior to our first date!!! I become his submissive...which most of it is all new to me...and he has taken me under his wing and is teaching me daily. I start experimenting more sexually with him...and find I just want to explore more!!! We become exclusive and start falling in love. Learning to truly submit my everything to him opens me up to a love unlike anything I have ever experienced or dreamed of. I have found myself...the person buried deep inside...he helped uncover her. I became a blogger! And now I am taking the leap to change jobs to be able to be with him on a full time basis!

This is a giant leap of faith for me. I have always been independent...and during this transition I will need to depend on him for more. He is so supportive and encouraging...its just me that is nervous. And the weird thing is that I'm not nervous about the change...I'm actually really excited!!! I've just never had anyone want to do for me like he does. I got a random gift from him today...it came in the mail...and it was hair products...It may sound strange to anyone else...but to me it was like opening up the best present!!! He knows me and pays attention to even the smallest details of me...it's these types of things that just make me fall more in love with him...It just makes me want to submit more to him. I love that even though he is my Master and I am his slave...he encourages me to show my strength...In fact he pushes me to live my life strong. He pushes the best out of me...and he holds me accountable to it.

The direction I am going professionally will require me to have a self drive and ambition. I am already a great manager of my professional life...but going forward I will have to hold myself accountable for success. Sometimes I get so side tracked with my focus on him...my personal accountablity for things I need to do suffer. I know that he is supporting me and backing my decisions...I also know he will hold me accountable to being successful. I will not disappoint him!

I just want to ensure that he is as happy and content as I am. I wish I could just read his mind!!! I am literally at a place in my life that is completely new....new career, new love and new life. It's wonderful....I hope he feels exactly how I do!

I know alot of this is rambling and I'm sorry...but this is all new and I just have to get the nervous energy out of my head and keep remembering that I am worthy of him and this love...and keep fighting the doubt....it's getting so much easier every day...this helps (the blogging)...and the encouragement from all the people that have been reading our story.

48 more hours!!!!!

Until tomorrow...

Only 3 more days! My heart is skipping like a school girl at play!! I am getting so excited to get him here!! I really hope the next 72 hours flies by....

So my world took a sharp turn today. A situation that is spinning out of control and really is pretty ridiculous is making me make a decision to make a drastic change in my life. And this change is going to get me closer to where I want to be...just a whole lot faster than I thought. And because some parts of my plans have not happen yet...but I still need to make this change...It means that I will have to depend on him a whole lot more.

For me this is very scary...I have always been the one that supports myself (and sometimes others). I have never taken a big jump and trusted someone to be there for me. It's scary...but for the first time in my life I feel like everything is telling me to trust and know that this is the right thing to do...and have faith in the love he has for me.

This situation that is happening...if it would be happening any other time...or if I were alone...it would probably break me. And honestly at this moment...even though I don't like the situation...I think it's fate doing what it needs to do to bring us together as we should be. Everything that has happened since I became his has been drawing us closer together...and now with this change it will allow me to be with him as it should be.

Because I am the giver...and I am his submissive....I am so excited that I will be able to please him more...and be able to take care of his every need. Because I am a strong woman...I am having to learn that real love means that he wants to support you through the hard times...and he wants to be a true partner in life with you. I don't know if I have ever had anyone want to take care of me (other than my mother)...and when you realize that he really does want to take care of me...its humbling.

At the end of it all I want to make sure that he is happy...I never want to add any stress to him. All I want to do is be with him and please him. I'm excited that all of our plans are coming together....maybe not how I thought they would...but they are still coming together.

I have so much faith in our love that I know that everything is going to be just as it should...I'm taking the leap and changing my world. It feels good...

Until tomorrow.

Warning!!! This is going to be a sappy sappy blog...

With only 4 more days to go I feel myself slipping into world of only him. What I mean by that is I only think about him and having him home (I know...that's everyday!!)...but its more than that...I can't think of anything else other than wanting to be with him. I'm a zombie through everything else...I even looked at myself a while in the mirror today...and I don't think I ever really saw myself...I know that sounds weird...but it's true.

Its so bad that even when we are on the phone...he asks me if I'm going to talk...and it's then that I realize that I have either just been staring (video chat) and dreaming about smelling his skin...or I have been concentrating on hearing his breathing (regular call). I might be losing my mind!!!

I just want to melt into him...if that's even possible. I want to be held like a child inside of his arms...I want to kiss him for hours...I want to make love and have crazy sex...I want to lay side him while he plays his games...I want to watch him, breathe his air and listen to his heart beat. I need to see his eyes and touch his lips...sleep beside him and hold him tight.

I can feel my "you can do this" suit coming off...and the emotions are rushing back. Its so close I can taste it and my patience for the next couple of days is very thin. My heart is on the verge of tears with every little thing(this could be my menstrating brain too)...but my sensitivity to ultra high!!! Everything is one or the other to me right now....it either doesn't matter at all or it might make me cry...there is no in between.

It also pulls at my heart strings to see that he is missing me more too...and ready to come home. I think our bodies and souls are screaming to be back with each other! I'm starting to stress about making sure everything is perfect...you know I want to ensure that he is 100% satisfied while he is home....and he is able to enjoy every single second of his off time.

I can't wait to have our physical time together...but mostly just to have our time TOGETHER!!! Even though I am that person that could have sex every single hour (maybe more)...no I'm not kidding...I would give that up just to be in his arms (if I had to). Im feeling so drawn to be with him....it is taking over everything else in my life. That has to mean that I am supposed to be with him...and I need to make that happen quickly. I have never felt this drawn to want to be by someone's side more than I have now. They say you get used to this...it gets easier....and you know what...maybe in my old life that would have been true...maybe with someone else that would have been true. Not with him...every part of me hurts more the longer we are apart...it doesn't get easier...its getting harder. And to be honest...I don't want it to be easier...I always want to feel this drawn to him....I always want to feel so much in love with this man that I can't imagine spending one minute away from him...I want it to hurt when I can't touch him. Isnt that the way it should be?? When you love someone and submit your everything to them....shouldn't it be horrible to be without them??

Am I crazy? Does anyone feel this frazzled about their one? Does anyone know how wonderfully different this love is? 

I sure hope others feel like I do...It's crazy, painful and wonderful all wrapped into one.

Until tomorrow...

Only 5 more days…and it feels like it is so far away!! I need him so much…my desire to have him, to smell him to touch him are so strong. I can almost taste his kiss…when I stare at him while we video chat it takes so much of me not to want kiss (literally) the screen!!! My body is in over drive with the anticipation. It makes me impatient!!!

I didn’t want to “adult” today. Have you ever had one of those days that you just think I really don’t want to have to deal with the bullshit. I don’t want to make a decision about anything. I don’t want to stress…I want to be the submissive…I want to be told what to do and cared for. I want to have clearly defined rules and know exactly where I stand and know exactly what I need to do to be rewarded. I want to know my punishment if I disobey.

Life as a Sub is so much more simpler in my mind. Why can’t the real world be like that?? I mean…I have clearly defined rules, there are clearly defined expectations, clear communication and outlined punishments. I don’t have to worry about anything as I know exactly what my Master wants and what I am expected to do. My Master knows what I need and what to say. There is no guessing games in my Submissive life.

I wanted to be his Baby Girl today…and nothing else. I wanted to be guided and told what to do….I wanted to be punished for being a brat. I wanted to be held, cuddled and spoiled. I wanted to have my face caressed and my ass spanked. I wanted him to show me all of his dominance in full force and then hold me tight against his chest and rock me to sleep.

I didn’t want to “adult” today….I would have given anything to be able to be with him today. It would have been so much better than this typical Monday in the stupid Vanilla world where nothing is defined and the games you play are cruel with ever changing rules.

He is my rock and the light I look towards to get me through. I love him so much…I need his guidance and reassurance some days more than others. Some days I just need him to tell me what to do…Even when it’s ridiculous…I would follow him to the ends of the earth, through hell and back and then do it all again….I didn’t want to do anything today…but just be his.

Until tomorrow…

Six more days until my world is back in the right spin...when Sir will be back in the same space as me. Where we can breathe the same air, smell the same smells, touch each other's skin. The desires I have just to be in his presence are strong. So strong it really gets me thinking about my "wants".

Most of us have the same "wants"...the simplistic ones of happiness and love...which mostly we can control ourselves...then there is health...which can be helped with a lifestyle condusive to health, but is some times defined with your genes...then there are the materialistic ones...win the lotto, nice house, nice car or Louis Vuitton everything.

My wants are a little of all of that combined...just a lot more defined. I want to be able to be with him all the time. I want to have a job that lets me do what I want and be where I need to be to serve him. I want the kind of bank account that would allow us to travel and do things that enhance the joy in this life. I want to be healthy to be able to do all the wonderful things our body's are meant to do...especially what our bodies do together...for a very long time! I want happiness for all the people I love...especially for him.

Sometimes all of the wants cloud the mind for what you have. As much as I want to be with him every single day...and I am working hard at trying to make that happen...Im realizing that I do have him every day. I have his voice, his pictures, his video calls...I have the love he expresses to me each time we talk...We have jobs that allows us to have fun when we are together. We have a roof over our heads, cars to drive, TV's to watch, Cellphones to talk and most importantly we have each other!!

So in the moments that I am wishing for more and hoping to get there soon....I really want to stop today and appreciate what I do have. What I do have is an amazing partner that fills my life with so much joy and happiness...and has opened up a world that is real...and opened my soul to experiences that I never even knew exsisted. 

As much as I would love to win the lotto....I truly already have! I have dreamed about having a man like him my entire life. I have dreamed of having a connection with someone that goes far deeper than skin or bank accounts...I have dreamed of finding someone that wanted to love all of me...and I have dreamed of finding that one that I can truly give all of myself to. I have...and I am forever thankful because my one true "want" has finally came true. A dream, a wish that is true....and I have him every single day. He is mine and I am forever his.

I still wouldn't mind a couple of Louis Vuitton purses though..... :-)

Until tomorrow.

Lucky 13!! Only 7 more days....and it just can't come soon enough. But I can now start the planning process of him coming home. 

I start the "getting ready" process with my own personal things...hair, nails, toes, lashes, skin care (exfoliation, waxing), facial, etc. I start saturating my skin with lotion 2x daily including lip and eye cream. These things make sure that my body is the best visually for him. Then comes the house...cleaning a little extra, washing the sheets just before he comes home in luxury linen soap that smells amazing. Then outfit planning for when I get to pick him up at the airport. Then I want to plan a little getaway for when he is home....somewhere we can go to have some fun and really enjoy each other! 

This home time I want to make a little more special...it will be his Thanksgiving holiday with me...since he will be gone again on Thanksgiving. I want to give him some really special time since this is our first Thanksgiving together. I want him to know how so very thankful I am that he has come into my life. He has brought so much joy and happiness to my life...I'm not sure how I can ever tell him how much...but I will show him through myself by giving him my all...and opening up my entire self to him in all aspects.

Tonight we had a video date...and we spent more than an hour on the a video call talking about random things, laughing and just enjoying each others faces. It was wonderful...and even though we vido call each other often...dedicated time to just admire each other is benefical...especially for me...I love the way he looks at me. To me he is the most handsome, beautiful human being I have ever seen...and he is calling me beautiful. I fall a little more in love with him each day...

The days are slowing getting brighther the closer I come to having him back to me. Until then I'm getting ready...All of me.

Until tomorrow...

8 more days and counting. I CAN NOT wait to have him home...I miss him so much. The emptiness of not having him with me is hard...I feel so much better when we are on the phone....but its still a little overwhelming sometimes how much my world is empty without him near me. I want so badly to be with him...I need it.

It's funny how you can notice the littest things about people when you're in that lost state of mind. Things that when you are going about your life regularly you really don't pay attention to or give a second thought...but today I noticed.

I noticed because my life is forever changed by this man. It's changed in so many ways...all for the better. I cherish the smallest things about him and our time together...every single second is precious. I makes me appreciate all the little things around me too...my family, my health, my pets...my book, my bed....I could go on...but you get the picture....the world is just a brighter place now...and I want to enjoy it all...especially with him. My worries are less and my happiness is happier (if that's possible)....even when I am missing him to my core and tears roll down my face...it's still a beautiful thing...even in moments of sadness...it's coming from a place of love.

I typically dont watch this news because I can't stand the sadness...I can't stand the hate that people pour all over each other. I want election day to be over...it doesn't matter what side you are on...nothing is ever protrayed in a good light to the other side. I listen to how people talk about other people, groups, opinions, religions...sometimes the person thats just down the hall....and it truly is heart breaking. I feel others distaste for me...maybe because I speak my mind, I'm in love and not afraid to show it...or maybe it's because I wore a cuter outfit than them today...who knows. But all I can think to myself is why....Why do people do this? Why?

I'm not saying I have never done these things I noticed....but I damn sure do it less. I makes me wonder if I was ever that ugly to others as some people I encountered today were. Did it take me finding a real love to find peace enough in myself to stop the ugliness? 

The world is such a beautiful place...even when there is sadness....why do we not stop and take value in the things and people around you. Sometimes people remove their own value and allow to much ugliness to come out and then it's up to you on whether you want to be apart of that or not....but overall we have control of how we want to live our lives....and why would you choose anything other than happiness and love.

Now that I have it...I never want to let it go. I want to ensure that I stay "beautiful" not only for myself and my Master...but to maybe give one other person the hope to know that it is possible to be in a world that is beautiful....and it's up to us to shut out the ugliness and not feed into it or let it be a part of you.

To the ugly people I encountered today...I feel sorry for you....and I hope that whatever you are going through changes for the better. I am removing your ugliness out of my mind and continuing to focus on my love. My Master has made me see differently....and the world is full of possibilities for me and for us...and they don't concern or include you.

Until tomorrow...

Today was a little hard...I really miss him. Its not more or less than any other day...but some days it just takes a little more effort to focus on the count down and not to get stuck in the moment and being without him. I did good...no tears...but it was hard to shake the emptiness of not having his touch readily available.

It also got me thinking about all the beautiful subs that comment on my blogs, that write their stories as well, or some of the others that are on this site...but never say a word. I think its very interesting that us subs follow each other and support each other...and its really interesting how many of us have the same kind of story. Our master is away, lives in another state, only get to see him on special occasions, etc. It makes you wonder why that is...it also makes me wonder if more doms feel that loneliness while away from their subs?

Most of us write about our deep need to have them with us, the love we bleed for them, the need we have to serve them. I often wonder what my Dom's blog would look like if he were to write one about me? I wonder if other Dom's read these blogs and see how their submissives bleed love for them?

My Dom read's all of mine...sometimes he comments and makes my heart happy. He always "likes" them...and I know he knows that I pour my soul into the honesty that comes out. And I know that I am truly blessed to be his...in so many ways. He takes a true interest in how I am feeling and what is going on in my head. He wants to know all of me...and the more I pour out...he more he pours into me to fill me up and make me fall more in love with him daily. The more open I am...with my mind and my body...the more I am drawn to him...the more I need him...the more I want to give.

My heart breaks with each of the heart wrenching blogs that I read about subs missing their Doms. I hope that their Doms are as wonderful as mine. I hope their Dom's love them like mine loves me. I hope that each one of them feel the way I do when my Master calls, texts, video calls, sends an email or tells me he's coming home. I hope that each one of them feels secure and safe with their Dom...no matter how far away he might be. I hope their Dom makes them feel more special than they have ever felt...every single day.

I know that this place is a place to be open and honest with our lifestyle...and sometimes I feel like some of my posts are all about love and not so much about the lifestyle....but to my this lifestyle has finally opened me up to real love. Not the kind of love you see on TV, not the kind any vanilla couple has, not the kind your vanilla parents taught you....but the kind that only your soul can understand. The kind that has unlocked your mind, your heart and your body to bond with someone else. The kind where all of that combined gives you the ability to meld all of your senses together and be free with each other. The kind that makes you hurt physically when you are apart....

I hope subs and doms both read through these blogs and understand that you are witnessing through words raw submission in it's truest form in the blog posts. Whether sad, happy or sexy...you can see a glimpse of the submissive heart and how it desires not any Dom but her one....It's such a beautiful thing.

I love you @Ltljoker...thank you for choosing me and making me yours. I miss you....

Until tomorrow.

Well its the half way point!! The first 10 days are the hardest....I start getting more excited now! It becomes more of a count down! I miss him so much...I just want to go to him...every part of my being wants to be with him...even it's just for a few minutes each day. I cherish every single second with him...the time we have on the phone either on voice or video call...the text messages....and especially being with him. It's funny how I could spend every minute of my day with him...we don't even have to talk...sometimes for me its just comforting to hear him breathing! I still am mesmerized at how I can't get enough of him...He never leaves my mind. Ever! And I love it....

Tonight he gave me a treat...One of my rules is I can't have an orgasm without his permission. Thats alone or together. As we were talking tonight I said "I need to make love to you"...and he said well, get out your toy, set up the phone and let me watch. And of coarse...I said "Now? Are you teasing me? Is this a request? Or a demand?" He said....it's a request...with his little devilish grin.

He got me a new toy before he left... a nice little remoted egg. It's main purpose was to be used in one of my punishments if that card is ever drawn...but it could be for fun too. But its been in the box since we brought it home. I have never used something like this...and surprisingly this little thing has a lot of power!!

Anyway....I get the phone all set up so he can see all of me on the bed. I'm a little nervous because not only have I not masterbated solo in front of him...but I have never done it in front of anyone...much less over the phone! But what my Master wants...my Master gets....and I need release....badly.

SOOOOO...I lay back and start to play. I rub this egg all over me...up and down...a little longer on my clit....I'm doing this over and over until I finally decide to put it inside of me....once inside I can feel my body starting to react....I'm getting wetter....I'm going to have to slow down...this is to much...and I haven't even asked for permission to cum!!! At this very moment another call starts buzzing in...and this pauses our video chat...NOOOOO!!! I have to stop, get up and cancel the call!!! So there I am panting in front of the camera...Ugh. 

He tells me...you need to slow down a little...I tell him I need to stop or I am going to cum....He tells me he wants me to cum. So I lay back down and start again....this time, I close my eyes and get lost in the moment. I am imagining him biting my neck, arms wrapped around me and his hands in my hair...thrusting inside of me and telling me I am his...I must of asked for permission out loud because I hear him telling me "Yes baby...cum for Daddy"...behind my eyes I can see him looking into my eyes as he is moving inside of me...telling me he loves me...and then it comes...sweet release...and Im spasming....OMG I cant stop...I'm reaching to pull the egg out and push it against my clit...more spasms...OH Thank-you Daddy for this amazing little toy....holy hell!!!

He loves my after orgasm face....and I love the satisfaction on his. I love how he gives me pleasure even 28 hours away...Thank-you Daddy for giving me this gift....I love you...

Another Day closer...until tomorrow.