Under The Whip

Don’t be Afraid to be Brave

"The bliss of surrender in slavery is a wondrous thing- a rare and treasured delight not savored by many. To achieve it, we must approach the temple wherein it awaits those who have prepared themselves for the journey in the spirit of adventure, reverence and courage. Know this: slavery requires bravery. If you’re not courageous enough to make yourself take risks, then I suggest that you go out and insert yourself into programs designed to help you find your own bravery within yourself. If you are too frightened to proceed toward the realization of your slave passion, then the acquisition of this courage must be the first par of your preparation for the journey into submission." (Slavecraft essay 2) by Guy Baldwin;

We have just redefined our entire dynamic and TPE. It does feel refreshing to me to have it all written down and set in stone with my new expectations and rules and what control and how much my masters have. We decided for the TPE and with that Total was focused on the most.

However I do have fears still in regards to our dynamic. That maybe my masters will not remain consistent. That I wont be able to succeed with giving over the control to them. I wont succeed in obeying my new rules and will fail of course in the future. I have already come close once.

I dont want to feel like I am falling backwards in my submission and I definitely want to ignore the old patterns that seemed to be issues in our dynamic. So far I havent seen any and that thus far has been a complete breath of fresh air. The funny thing is, I have been in this lifestyle since 2003 and over and over again I have taken risks and never really been afraid.

Now I have that fear of failure looming over my head.

I am sure at some point every submissive has felt this way. Fear of being hurt. Fear of failing. Fear of losing themself completely. The fear of giving up completely. In fact I have thought about it recently. Before we redefined our TPE I was angry. So much anger and nothing made it go away or feel better. To the extent that someone messaged me and actually said maybe I need to top someone and do impact play etc. Even if I did I would not do that out of anger. That isnt safe. I dont have to be a dom to know that.

I did give it much thought, considering if maybe I was a switch and needed a submissive/bottom of my own. That stopped because absolutely not. Not that I lack the skill. I honestly think if I chose to be a dom I would be amazing at it. I just have no desire to do it. It would not make me happy. So that thought went right out the window. One less fear I had to deal with.

Still the normal ones always loom ahead of me. Am I enough? Do I even have a purpose? Those are two I struggle with on a daily basis. Being a submissive who is disabled and blind makes serving extremely difficult. Though I know my masters tell me over and over again they love me and I do have a purpose. For me to feel it, is a different story. Which is something I dont always feel.

Still I know they are just fears. They are thoughts that dont matter and feelings that dont make things true or accurate. Just simple small insecurities that are constantly there and I can just tell them to shut up, or better yet my masters reassure me so much they shut them up. Which is even better.

I know that nothing in life that is worth a damn isnt worth it without taking risks. It is why I continue to gete up everyday and put my best pleasing foot forward and do my best to be the obedient and pleasing slave girl I so long and love to be. If I listened to these insedcurities, these little whispering fears then I would never be a submissive. I would never be true to my heart and I certainly wouldnt be with my masters.

If all of that happened I would never be happy. So I will choose to push through all the crap and do my best to ignore the little whispers and try to remain focused on my masters, our dynamic and just being happy with who I am, and as I am.

So my advice to all new submissives. You are going to be agraid but if you can battle and fight through the bullshit of your insecurities and learn to take a leap of faith in taking a risk to educate yourselves, find adom and submit, then you will know what happiness there is in living your truth, and choosing to seek happiness and peace within your own submission.

Take a leap!!!

I read something about a week ago that broke my heart. It was a writing by a female dominant who was basically fed up and putting her crown away because she is just not every submissive's cup of tea.

This got me to thinking, naturally because that is what a ton of you on here make me do. I realized I had been guilty of things in the past with my masters. To which after I processed things and my own thoughts and feelings I did apologize to them and give them praise for doing all the good things.

You see in the past when I wasn't communicating correctly when I wanted and needed more S&M things I kept saying you aren't doing the "Dom Thing." Like what?

WTF is even the "Dom Thing?"

For me it was scenes, impact play, sadistic play time, me getting my masochistic needs met. However after reading what SelfPortraitist wrote she made me see things from a completely different light.

My masters were of course doing the "Dom Thing." They had given me rules. They have been guiding me as I need it. They have been a leading presence in my life. They have been running their house. They are on top of all the things.

What is not that "Dom Thing?" At least to me in my new found insight? Beating my ass for one. Forcing me to scrub the kitchen floor with a toothbrush as they shout at me degrading humiliating things. Giving me a million orgasms only after denying them to me for hours at a time. Are these what really make a dominant?

Of course not. Dominants come in all shapes and sized, sexual and nonsexual. Some aren't even sadists.

This reminded me of course of when Damon and I first go together. He was to be my master without any sexual side of things. I was just to be a service submissive. Naturally feelings changed. We grew so fast into loving each other that we had to rethink and agree to a new dynamic that was indeed more romantic, sexual and service oriented.

Still at the beginning he was not less of a master to me. I was happy to just be his service submissive. The lack of S&M and romance did not make me see him any different. Over time things evolved and changed so I had to sit here after reading that and realizing that I was in fact looking at the relationship/dynamic completely wrong.

So now I am understanding that when I was thinking Dom Things, what I was thinking was S&M. What I was thinking was more sex, and sadism. Does the lack of that in my life make them any less dominant? Absolutely not. So I definitely owed them a massive apology.

Honestly I did not even realize I was communicating incorrectly but that is not even an excuse. My lack of proper communication for the longest time destroyed their confidence. I can only do my best from here on out to communicate even more correctly and learn to praise and lift them up even higher. These two men are so wonderfully amazing they never deserve to feel any less of who they really are.

So true is what I am saying that even SelfPortraitist needs to know that she is not deserving of said treatment. It is not her fault that submissives are not communicating their needs correctly. Please hold your head up high. You submissive is out there searching for you just as much as you are for them.

You may not be interested in a ton of S&M, Sadism, Degradation, Humiliation, etc. It does not make you any less of a dominant. Please everyone always remember that you do not have to change yourself to fit into some stupid little box. Stand up and shine exactly the way you are. Someone out there will love you for just being who you really are!!!

> “You have the right to be proud of what you are. Being a submissive is nothing that should ever bring you shame or feelings of reproach. Your submissive nature is a gift and should always be a source of pride and happiness.” – Unknown

As I first dove deep into this rabbit hole of BDSM I was young. I was so naive and unsure of what I was doing, and naturally why I was doing these things. What is wrong with me desiring to please men? Especially since society is telling me as a woman I should become independent. That I dont need a man I just need a career. Screw having a baby and getting married, it doesnt go with the narrative. This is NOT what I wanted.

First off I wanted to be married. I wanted to have a husband that I can love and serve. I wanted to be a traditional housewife and be a mother and just live my best life. This was something I really wanted. I got half of what I wanted at least. I did adopt my beautiful, talented and intelligent, NOW adult daughter.

The husband thing just did not work out for me at the time.

Like I said I was struggling really hard with wanting so badly to be a submissive/slave and to have a master I could cherish and serve. I wanted to be loyal to them and make their world so much easier as a service submissive. Though it was really difficult because I had NO idea what I was doing. I had so much to learn.

Secondly I did not take things seriously. So that made things even more difficult to find a master. It wasnt until I met my mentor Sir Seven that I began to open my eyes. Through his guidance and intelligent teachings I learned to ignore society and only listen to my heart and soul. This began to make things so much easier for me, yet there was still parts of me I was ashamed of showing. I still was not comfortable in my own skin. I could not fathom being naked in a collar for the entire world to see. I could not fathom the entire world knowing I am a submissive. I would hide my face, cover my body, etc.

Finally I met my current master Damon. He was the first master I ever had to begin teaching me to accept my beauty inside and out. That I am more beautiful as a naked collared slave girl at his feet. It boosted my confidence for sure. I began to walk more proudly. I began to smile more and see myself in a different light.

Of course having a rule that says I cannot talk terrible about myself helped as well.

Then you bring in my other master Calvin and between him and my master Damon, I am not ashamed anymore. I am proud when I am at their side, kneeling before them, or just standing there. I feel so strange wearing clothes and all I want to do is be naked, in their collar as free as I am.

To some being a slave is daunting. To some it might seem like a prison. To me it is complete freedom. It is my home, my salvation, my peace. I do not even care who knows it.

I belong to Damon and Calvin. I am their slave. I am their Ava. I am their babygirl. I am their bunny. I am their duchess and they are my masters. They are my kings. They are the very Gods I worship.

I want to stand on top of the mountains and scream at the top of my lungs that I belong to Damon and Calvin completely. That I am happy, proud and honored to have chosen them, and for them to have accepted and chosen me.

So for todays Advent Calendar, unfortunately I am not going anywhere at present time. So I was supposed to go out and just smile at people and see how many people smiled back. I was going to bring the counter clicker but alas I am still sick and it is still going strong. So sadly I will not be going anywhere. However I have devised a new plan for todays activity. Nothing wrong with changing things up, Right?

So today I have chosen three different songs for everyone. Jingle Bells, Jingle Bell Rock, and of course Carol Of The Bells. I feel these songs are very cheerful, and fun songs to bring in the spirit of the holidays. They say bells bring smiles so how many can I bring today with my choices of music.

### For your pleasure, Jingle Bells

### And for your pleasure Jingle Bell Rock

### For Your Pleasure my favorite version of Carol Of The Bells. The only version I like that is not spoky.

And for ALL of my Skittles out There

These are all some of my favorite versions. They are unique and different. I am all for singing traditional versions but I also encourage you to get out there and find something that resonates with just you. Clearly as a Skittle, I am more eager to listen to the darker, spookier side of Christmas. So I hope this can bring a smile to all of your faces today. You never know, if you get out there and smile and spread good cheer, you might just save someone's life.

### and Last...but NOT least...In Honor of my Mema

True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new.” -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

For todays advent calendar we are to make a list of all of the accomplishments we have done this year. Either big or small. Should be things that we have done and make us happy. So buckle up, let me see what I have done this year.

- Moved a 3 bedroom 2 bath apartment into a new house in three days. Packed, moved, and unpacked in that time. - So happy to get it done, downsized, and shifted in that time. I was happy to help coordinate everything and keep everyone on task. My Masters and the team of people we had were amazing and I was glad to organize it all.

- Leveled up in Pokemon Go. - Silly I know, but it takes FOREVER to gain the amount of exp I need to level up now since I am so high of a level. I did a happy dance when this happened.

- Made it finally to the medal on my blog over over ten thousand views on a single post. That was AMAZING!!!

- Made a good bunch of new friends. Which makes me even more happy because I feel connected to this world again.

- Started to open up more and get out of my comfort zone by talking in groups, and to random people. I am anti social even though I am an ENTJ. So I am happy to try to get more out of my shell and put myself out there.

- Created a nice community in the BDSM world on Discord. I am so eager and happy everyday to log in and spend time with these amazing people.

- Finished mentoring a submissive this year. It was a good accomplishment. I feel confident that they have the necessary tools to make a safe and educated decision moving forward as a submissive and finding their perfect Dominant. I am happy to see them grow as a person and blossom.

- Learned to set healthy boundaries - This makes me happy because it is something needed for my mental health and well being.

- Ordered my first braille workbook. I am happy to get it so I can start working on it. It means I am one step closer to accepting fully my disability.

- Won some art competitions this year. This made me really happy. Gives me more motivation to keep moving forward with my art.

- Obtained some commissions from some people for my artwork to be created for logos, and such for business cards and T-shirts. I am elated because that means someone out there LOVES my designs and my style of art and want to have it on as their merch and such.

- The best one this year is learning to control my anger and temper better. This has made me so happy because I do not want to be that person. Being able to come to the table of a disagreement or with my upset feelings and not scream and yell has been liberating for me. So for this I am extremely proud of myself.

- This month on the 16th will be @Damon-Koch and my 9 Year anniversary of him being my Master/Daddy and my partner. He has been the most stable, mature, and long lasting relationship I have ever had. I am so in love with him, and so grateful that we are together. Despite all our trials as a couple. We are going strong. We will iron out all issues we ever encounter and come out stronger on the other side. I am so grateful that we get to share this milestone.

On top of all of these things that might seem menial to other people I have also helped my Masters redefine our TPE dynamic. I have put good faith into them, and I have put a good foot forward to give up the control. It is NOT easy. I still have moments where they have to reassure me. I am working on it to put a deeper meaning into my submission, and into our relationship. Nine years with Damon, and Three years with Calvin included. I am so happy to continue on this journey and see where it takes us.

I used to be the type that never accepted a compliment. One because I never felt I was ever worthy of having one. I would always shut people down. Being told that I was beautiful or intelligent etc was a no go for me. I even recently shut down a compliment where someone said I was extremely nice. I laughed and said, "You do not know me. I am far from nice."

I shut them down hard and seeing that now I can see how I invalidated them as if they dont know what they are speaking, etc. It is a habit I am trying really hard to break. I need to just accept a compliment for what it is, even if I do not agree with it. Thee nicer thing to do is just to say thank you or smile and move on.

I have found this easier with my Masters in charge of me. They made it a rule of mine that I cannot talk bad about myself and if they give me a compliment I cannot deny what they are saying, and I have to accept it.

Their reasons behind it is because, do I believe they would ever decide to be with someone who wasnt beautiful, intelligent, or didnt offer anything? Of course they wouldnt. Plus they showed me that the way I feel when they belittle themselves is also how they feel when I do it.

So now I do my best to accept compliments. I am still a work in progress but it is coming about. I am learning, taking baby steps and adapting and growing as a person. I may fail to accept a compliment sometimes but I am aware that it happens and I make steps to move forward and striver to do better.

I always prefer to give then to receive. Maybe that is just my nature as a submissive. I have always been this way. Despite my lack of empathy and compassion for the majority of the world. However I have always been about putting myself out there and performing small acts of kindness all over the world we live in.

Being blind has made doing some of these things rather difficult. Like getting out and being able to drive myself around to go and do food basket deliveries to families, or delivering toys to kids in need, etc. However it doesn't make me not want to do these things. I don't know if its just me masking or a deep innate need to help people.

Some of the things I enjoy doing the most:

- Helping someone needing money on the side of the road. (Yes I know some are scammers but you never know who really are in need so I do it anyways)

- Helping out at soup kitchens

- Creating help bags that include (blankets, toothbrushes and toothpaste, bottles of water, umbrella, granola bars, some cash, and other things we can think of people needing who are currently homeless)

- Donating food to food drives

- Donating toys for Toys for Tots

- We enjoy sponsoring a family for the holiday season.

- I enjoy doing things to help out our veterans.

- Donate my time to help friends and family.

- I will tutor if asked (I used to be a teacher)
I have done photography for people

- I have donated some art. Both digital art, and painted canvases for charity causes.

- Pay for the car behind me in a drive-thru

- Purchased that persons groceries that are either in front of or behind me in line.

- Visiting animals at the animal shelter and just spending time with them.

- Adopting a grandma/grandpa at a nursing home.

Some of my most memorable times growing up have been when I was performing an generous act and honestly I never expect to get anything in return. For me this world is already so dark and full of inconsiderate jerks that I don't need to add to that list. I think if you can put a smile on someone's face with a selfless act and then each person does that everyday the world will be a better place.

One of the most memorable moments I recall from my childhood was a time we went on a school trip. Our parents gave us all money for lunch and naturally our schools took us to places like Mc Donald's, Taco Bell, Burger King etc. I recall that place having all three where we parked and we were given a good hour to order food eat, etc.

I remember I saw two men sitting outside who were homeless and they looked pretty badly off. I did not eat lunch that day. Instead I asked if they were hungry and they said yes. I then went inside and I used all of the cash I was given for lunch of souvenirs and bought them food and something to drink.

I was not looking for anything in return and it did not matter that I was hungry on the ride home from our trip. I could eat when I got home. Skipping a meal was not a big deal to me. I was I believe thirteen/fourteen at the time. I felt good about what I had done. I do know that those men had called my school to thank me for helping them. I was informed about that from the principal and my parents who had no idea I had done that.

Honestly I did not even want any recognition I just wanted them to not go hungry for a day.

I love knowing I can make someone's day brighter, easier, or better. You never really know if someone is on their last nerve and might just choose to hop out the window. I would hate to know that I could have put a smile on their face and failed to do so.

Masking or not I do receive enjoyment out of helping others. I have worked hard to become a kinder person even if I do not feel empathy or compassion for other people. I know it is a conundrum. How can someone who lacks empathy and compassion for the world, still try and be kind? I Do Not Know!!!

I am who I am, and honestly I do not want to change. I enjoy being kind to people. Whether people agree or not with what I do that does not stop me. I literally cannot sit by and not help if I can.

When are you most aware of being an owned submissive?

So there are so many instances where this feeling and awareness comes into play. It happens ALL the time. Naturally it is ALWAYS when my Masters get that very masculine stern tone. I am certain that the majority of submissives get that feeling when their owners do that.

However what I want to talk about is the moment that happened to me today. I have so many rules to follow and I love each and every moment of them. I am only allowed to eat what my Masters approve of. I have to be grateful for the food they give me.

On top of it I have to ask to eat my food when it is given to me. I have ways to ask in different settings. So yes even a way to do so in a vanilla setting that no one will ever recognize or know about. If I am not having a salad before my entree then I must also wait for them to take the first bite.

However I do not think anyone knows the struggle for me personally and my Masters having to have a slave who suffers with ARFID. Let me just tell you what that is like for me.

If the food smells bad...Nope
If the food is the wrong color...Nope
If the food touches each other...Nope
If the food tastes weird...Nope
If the food has an odd texture...Nope
I never feel hungry
I forget to eat all together
Don't ask me what I want...I dont want to eat.

The list goes on and on and let me tell you it is the most frustrating. Sometimes trying to get me to eat ends up with me sitting here frustrated and crying because I physically get sick. If I put something into my mouth that is bothered by one of the mentioned things at the top my body tells me spit it out or you will be forced to vomit.

I know it is really frustrating to my Masters. Not that this happens. They are so caring and understanding. I know they have told me the get frustrated only because they want to fix it for me and they just cant. I love them so much and I know it is not their fault.

There are moments I go through eating the same things over and over again for months at a time. Then I get so sick of it I cannot have it ever again, A year and half of French Toast with Yogurt and Fresh Fruit for breakfast. Now those fruits taste like dirt to me and the bread if far far far too sweet and weird tasting to the point I cannot even eat a sandwich.

So that leads me to today. The awareness that I am an owned submissive.

After my morning routine was started. It was time for breakfast. I was waiting for the typical conversation of what might sound interesting enough for me to eat. Nope, not today. Today I was handed a bowl of life cereal. I smiled and asked permission to eat it. I was able to eat it and this time I was able to even drink the small bit of left over milk which normally I cant.

It sparked such a happy feeling in the pit of my slave belly. The fire burned a bit brighter today and I was grateful and appreciative. It makes it so much easier sometimes to actually eat when the choice is taken away from me. Though that doesnt work ALL of the time.

I felt taken care of, loved, cherished and fully owned. My Master didnt even voice a command. He handed me the bowl in a silent order that I was to eat it. Taking that control from me as I have begged them to do makes not only my eating disorder so much easier to handle, but it grounds me even more. Sets my day up to be full of gooey emotions and feelings.

In a way I feel how he handled this morning was a reward to me. Odd as that sounds.

I dont know most might think I am silly for feeling this way but I do not care. My journey is my own and this small thing he did has lit my submissive heart on fire and has made my day warmer and now I know ALL day I will feel so loved, safe, protected, cherished and fully owned.

I love my Masters so much. Thank you for doing the one thing I asked so much for. Thank you for taking the control.

"To cede control to another is not weakness; it's a calculated risk, a dance of trust and vulnerability." Rope_aficionado

This quote right here is everything. When I hear people that are submissive or desiring to go and become a slave to someone but they dont even put themselves out there. They refuse to open up, be transparent and show the darkest part of their souls becuase they are "scared" to even share who they really are.

When you arent giving it all you have. When you arent risking yourself to be opened up and hurt becuase it will happen. Then you arent even trying. People dont even want to put the work into making a relationship work anymore. Whether it is a romantic relationship, BDSM relationship,, or even friendship. I shouldnt have to pull information out of you and I shouldnt have to feel it is all one sided.

Dont sit there and tell me you want ot be a slave. You want a dominant to own you. To have full life control over all of your actions and then turn around and not even give someone a chance. It takes a leap of faith that this person wont hurt you. It is a risk because likely you wont find your forever dom for a long time. However if you never step outside of your comfort zone and open up and take a shot into the dark you arent going to find one either.

Life is mess and brutal and lonely. Why do you keep building up brick by brick around you when all you are craving is to have that one connection with that one person who you should be sharing your soul with. I have been hurt a lot in m dynamic/relationship. I get hurt, I get angrry, I get upset, and disappointed. It is hard to see dominants as humans sometimes,, but that is what they are, and they make mistakes just as we do.

I would never be where I am today without taking a risk. Without trusting the two dominants in my life to care for me and not hurt me. i would rather work on my dynamic and relationship with them through the hurt and the pain. I will never be that person who has ten men in my back pocket that I can run to when I dont get my way. I value the people I choose to be in my life. I take the risk to push through the hurt and pain when someone makes a mistake.

I cry just like anyone else does, but I choose happiness. I choose to push through my fear and insecurities to rip open who I am down to the very core of my being and share that with the two people who I have chosen to rule my life. Not doing this would make me completely lonely and then what? What or who would control me then? My Fears would. My insecurities would. The people who caused me so much pain and trauma in the past would still control me.

I refuse to let that happen. I will always take the risk of being hurt over living in the shadows with a lonely miserable life controlled by my fear!!!

How about you?

I was talking with some Masters and a few slaves today in discord. We got onto the topic of rap music and they were discussing their favorite artists in that genre. I do not often listen to rap it just isn't for me.

However there is one artist I do listen to. He goes by the name of Dax. I first found his music on TikTok with this song:

I wanted to share it with all the men in this group because it had broken my heart when I first heard it. I still cry every time I do hear it and I was sharing this song with people today.

Between my Master growing up in a world where they are screaming across the media that men should just unalive themselves because of their so called "male toxicity". To being told that real men don't show emotion, don't cry, and aren't really a man if you aren't working yourself to death to provide for your family.

To my brothers who served in the military, and one brother serving three tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. He suffers everyday with his mental health and no one out there understanding what he went through. To have to live in todays world where a man is literally not worth anything.

To all the men in here. To the struggles you are all going through. The fight you have to have today to defend your right to be who you are.

I hate that you all have to continue to endure the abuse this world throws at you.

Just know you are never alone. There are people out there that do cherish all of you. That you are loved and understood and truly respected. Not all of us believe this worlds narrative. We will stand beside you and lift you up and do our best to help you get back the respect and love you are owed.

Thank you for existing. For your wisdom and guidance. For holding on even when you feel like you shouldn't. You are needed, and wanted in this world.