Under The Whip

So for todays Advent Calendar, unfortunately I am not going anywhere at present time. So I was supposed to go out and just smile at people and see how many people smiled back. I was going to bring the counter clicker but alas I am still sick and it is still going strong. So sadly I will not be going anywhere. However I have devised a new plan for todays activity. Nothing wrong with changing things up, Right?

So today I have chosen three different songs for everyone. Jingle Bells, Jingle Bell Rock, and of course Carol Of The Bells. I feel these songs are very cheerful, and fun songs to bring in the spirit of the holidays. They say bells bring smiles so how many can I bring today with my choices of music.

### For your pleasure, Jingle Bells

### And for your pleasure Jingle Bell Rock

### For Your Pleasure my favorite version of Carol Of The Bells. The only version I like that is not spoky.

And for ALL of my Skittles out There

These are all some of my favorite versions. They are unique and different. I am all for singing traditional versions but I also encourage you to get out there and find something that resonates with just you. Clearly as a Skittle, I am more eager to listen to the darker, spookier side of Christmas. So I hope this can bring a smile to all of your faces today. You never know, if you get out there and smile and spread good cheer, you might just save someone's life.

### and Last...but NOT least...In Honor of my Mema

True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new.” -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

For todays advent calendar we are to make a list of all of the accomplishments we have done this year. Either big or small. Should be things that we have done and make us happy. So buckle up, let me see what I have done this year.

- Moved a 3 bedroom 2 bath apartment into a new house in three days. Packed, moved, and unpacked in that time. - So happy to get it done, downsized, and shifted in that time. I was happy to help coordinate everything and keep everyone on task. My Masters and the team of people we had were amazing and I was glad to organize it all.

- Leveled up in Pokemon Go. - Silly I know, but it takes FOREVER to gain the amount of exp I need to level up now since I am so high of a level. I did a happy dance when this happened.

- Made it finally to the medal on my blog over over ten thousand views on a single post. That was AMAZING!!!

- Made a good bunch of new friends. Which makes me even more happy because I feel connected to this world again.

- Started to open up more and get out of my comfort zone by talking in groups, and to random people. I am anti social even though I am an ENTJ. So I am happy to try to get more out of my shell and put myself out there.

- Created a nice community in the BDSM world on Discord. I am so eager and happy everyday to log in and spend time with these amazing people.

- Finished mentoring a submissive this year. It was a good accomplishment. I feel confident that they have the necessary tools to make a safe and educated decision moving forward as a submissive and finding their perfect Dominant. I am happy to see them grow as a person and blossom.

- Learned to set healthy boundaries - This makes me happy because it is something needed for my mental health and well being.

- Ordered my first braille workbook. I am happy to get it so I can start working on it. It means I am one step closer to accepting fully my disability.

- Won some art competitions this year. This made me really happy. Gives me more motivation to keep moving forward with my art.

- Obtained some commissions from some people for my artwork to be created for logos, and such for business cards and T-shirts. I am elated because that means someone out there LOVES my designs and my style of art and want to have it on as their merch and such.

- The best one this year is learning to control my anger and temper better. This has made me so happy because I do not want to be that person. Being able to come to the table of a disagreement or with my upset feelings and not scream and yell has been liberating for me. So for this I am extremely proud of myself.

- This month on the 16th will be @Damon-Koch and my 9 Year anniversary of him being my Master/Daddy and my partner. He has been the most stable, mature, and long lasting relationship I have ever had. I am so in love with him, and so grateful that we are together. Despite all our trials as a couple. We are going strong. We will iron out all issues we ever encounter and come out stronger on the other side. I am so grateful that we get to share this milestone.

On top of all of these things that might seem menial to other people I have also helped my Masters redefine our TPE dynamic. I have put good faith into them, and I have put a good foot forward to give up the control. It is NOT easy. I still have moments where they have to reassure me. I am working on it to put a deeper meaning into my submission, and into our relationship. Nine years with Damon, and Three years with Calvin included. I am so happy to continue on this journey and see where it takes us.

I used to be the type that never accepted a compliment. One because I never felt I was ever worthy of having one. I would always shut people down. Being told that I was beautiful or intelligent etc was a no go for me. I even recently shut down a compliment where someone said I was extremely nice. I laughed and said, "You do not know me. I am far from nice."

I shut them down hard and seeing that now I can see how I invalidated them as if they dont know what they are speaking, etc. It is a habit I am trying really hard to break. I need to just accept a compliment for what it is, even if I do not agree with it. Thee nicer thing to do is just to say thank you or smile and move on.

I have found this easier with my Masters in charge of me. They made it a rule of mine that I cannot talk bad about myself and if they give me a compliment I cannot deny what they are saying, and I have to accept it.

Their reasons behind it is because, do I believe they would ever decide to be with someone who wasnt beautiful, intelligent, or didnt offer anything? Of course they wouldnt. Plus they showed me that the way I feel when they belittle themselves is also how they feel when I do it.

So now I do my best to accept compliments. I am still a work in progress but it is coming about. I am learning, taking baby steps and adapting and growing as a person. I may fail to accept a compliment sometimes but I am aware that it happens and I make steps to move forward and striver to do better.

I always prefer to give then to receive. Maybe that is just my nature as a submissive. I have always been this way. Despite my lack of empathy and compassion for the majority of the world. However I have always been about putting myself out there and performing small acts of kindness all over the world we live in.

Being blind has made doing some of these things rather difficult. Like getting out and being able to drive myself around to go and do food basket deliveries to families, or delivering toys to kids in need, etc. However it doesn't make me not want to do these things. I don't know if its just me masking or a deep innate need to help people.

Some of the things I enjoy doing the most:

- Helping someone needing money on the side of the road. (Yes I know some are scammers but you never know who really are in need so I do it anyways)

- Helping out at soup kitchens

- Creating help bags that include (blankets, toothbrushes and toothpaste, bottles of water, umbrella, granola bars, some cash, and other things we can think of people needing who are currently homeless)

- Donating food to food drives

- Donating toys for Toys for Tots

- We enjoy sponsoring a family for the holiday season.

- I enjoy doing things to help out our veterans.

- Donate my time to help friends and family.

- I will tutor if asked (I used to be a teacher)
I have done photography for people

- I have donated some art. Both digital art, and painted canvases for charity causes.

- Pay for the car behind me in a drive-thru

- Purchased that persons groceries that are either in front of or behind me in line.

- Visiting animals at the animal shelter and just spending time with them.

- Adopting a grandma/grandpa at a nursing home.

Some of my most memorable times growing up have been when I was performing an generous act and honestly I never expect to get anything in return. For me this world is already so dark and full of inconsiderate jerks that I don't need to add to that list. I think if you can put a smile on someone's face with a selfless act and then each person does that everyday the world will be a better place.

One of the most memorable moments I recall from my childhood was a time we went on a school trip. Our parents gave us all money for lunch and naturally our schools took us to places like Mc Donald's, Taco Bell, Burger King etc. I recall that place having all three where we parked and we were given a good hour to order food eat, etc.

I remember I saw two men sitting outside who were homeless and they looked pretty badly off. I did not eat lunch that day. Instead I asked if they were hungry and they said yes. I then went inside and I used all of the cash I was given for lunch of souvenirs and bought them food and something to drink.

I was not looking for anything in return and it did not matter that I was hungry on the ride home from our trip. I could eat when I got home. Skipping a meal was not a big deal to me. I was I believe thirteen/fourteen at the time. I felt good about what I had done. I do know that those men had called my school to thank me for helping them. I was informed about that from the principal and my parents who had no idea I had done that.

Honestly I did not even want any recognition I just wanted them to not go hungry for a day.

I love knowing I can make someone's day brighter, easier, or better. You never really know if someone is on their last nerve and might just choose to hop out the window. I would hate to know that I could have put a smile on their face and failed to do so.

Masking or not I do receive enjoyment out of helping others. I have worked hard to become a kinder person even if I do not feel empathy or compassion for other people. I know it is a conundrum. How can someone who lacks empathy and compassion for the world, still try and be kind? I Do Not Know!!!

I am who I am, and honestly I do not want to change. I enjoy being kind to people. Whether people agree or not with what I do that does not stop me. I literally cannot sit by and not help if I can.

When are you most aware of being an owned submissive?

So there are so many instances where this feeling and awareness comes into play. It happens ALL the time. Naturally it is ALWAYS when my Masters get that very masculine stern tone. I am certain that the majority of submissives get that feeling when their owners do that.

However what I want to talk about is the moment that happened to me today. I have so many rules to follow and I love each and every moment of them. I am only allowed to eat what my Masters approve of. I have to be grateful for the food they give me.

On top of it I have to ask to eat my food when it is given to me. I have ways to ask in different settings. So yes even a way to do so in a vanilla setting that no one will ever recognize or know about. If I am not having a salad before my entree then I must also wait for them to take the first bite.

However I do not think anyone knows the struggle for me personally and my Masters having to have a slave who suffers with ARFID. Let me just tell you what that is like for me.

If the food smells bad...Nope
If the food is the wrong color...Nope
If the food touches each other...Nope
If the food tastes weird...Nope
If the food has an odd texture...Nope
I never feel hungry
I forget to eat all together
Don't ask me what I want...I dont want to eat.

The list goes on and on and let me tell you it is the most frustrating. Sometimes trying to get me to eat ends up with me sitting here frustrated and crying because I physically get sick. If I put something into my mouth that is bothered by one of the mentioned things at the top my body tells me spit it out or you will be forced to vomit.

I know it is really frustrating to my Masters. Not that this happens. They are so caring and understanding. I know they have told me the get frustrated only because they want to fix it for me and they just cant. I love them so much and I know it is not their fault.

There are moments I go through eating the same things over and over again for months at a time. Then I get so sick of it I cannot have it ever again, A year and half of French Toast with Yogurt and Fresh Fruit for breakfast. Now those fruits taste like dirt to me and the bread if far far far too sweet and weird tasting to the point I cannot even eat a sandwich.

So that leads me to today. The awareness that I am an owned submissive.

After my morning routine was started. It was time for breakfast. I was waiting for the typical conversation of what might sound interesting enough for me to eat. Nope, not today. Today I was handed a bowl of life cereal. I smiled and asked permission to eat it. I was able to eat it and this time I was able to even drink the small bit of left over milk which normally I cant.

It sparked such a happy feeling in the pit of my slave belly. The fire burned a bit brighter today and I was grateful and appreciative. It makes it so much easier sometimes to actually eat when the choice is taken away from me. Though that doesnt work ALL of the time.

I felt taken care of, loved, cherished and fully owned. My Master didnt even voice a command. He handed me the bowl in a silent order that I was to eat it. Taking that control from me as I have begged them to do makes not only my eating disorder so much easier to handle, but it grounds me even more. Sets my day up to be full of gooey emotions and feelings.

In a way I feel how he handled this morning was a reward to me. Odd as that sounds.

I dont know most might think I am silly for feeling this way but I do not care. My journey is my own and this small thing he did has lit my submissive heart on fire and has made my day warmer and now I know ALL day I will feel so loved, safe, protected, cherished and fully owned.

I love my Masters so much. Thank you for doing the one thing I asked so much for. Thank you for taking the control.

"To cede control to another is not weakness; it's a calculated risk, a dance of trust and vulnerability." Rope_aficionado

This quote right here is everything. When I hear people that are submissive or desiring to go and become a slave to someone but they dont even put themselves out there. They refuse to open up, be transparent and show the darkest part of their souls becuase they are "scared" to even share who they really are.

When you arent giving it all you have. When you arent risking yourself to be opened up and hurt becuase it will happen. Then you arent even trying. People dont even want to put the work into making a relationship work anymore. Whether it is a romantic relationship, BDSM relationship,, or even friendship. I shouldnt have to pull information out of you and I shouldnt have to feel it is all one sided.

Dont sit there and tell me you want ot be a slave. You want a dominant to own you. To have full life control over all of your actions and then turn around and not even give someone a chance. It takes a leap of faith that this person wont hurt you. It is a risk because likely you wont find your forever dom for a long time. However if you never step outside of your comfort zone and open up and take a shot into the dark you arent going to find one either.

Life is mess and brutal and lonely. Why do you keep building up brick by brick around you when all you are craving is to have that one connection with that one person who you should be sharing your soul with. I have been hurt a lot in m dynamic/relationship. I get hurt, I get angrry, I get upset, and disappointed. It is hard to see dominants as humans sometimes,, but that is what they are, and they make mistakes just as we do.

I would never be where I am today without taking a risk. Without trusting the two dominants in my life to care for me and not hurt me. i would rather work on my dynamic and relationship with them through the hurt and the pain. I will never be that person who has ten men in my back pocket that I can run to when I dont get my way. I value the people I choose to be in my life. I take the risk to push through the hurt and pain when someone makes a mistake.

I cry just like anyone else does, but I choose happiness. I choose to push through my fear and insecurities to rip open who I am down to the very core of my being and share that with the two people who I have chosen to rule my life. Not doing this would make me completely lonely and then what? What or who would control me then? My Fears would. My insecurities would. The people who caused me so much pain and trauma in the past would still control me.

I refuse to let that happen. I will always take the risk of being hurt over living in the shadows with a lonely miserable life controlled by my fear!!!

How about you?

I was talking with some Masters and a few slaves today in discord. We got onto the topic of rap music and they were discussing their favorite artists in that genre. I do not often listen to rap it just isn't for me.

However there is one artist I do listen to. He goes by the name of Dax. I first found his music on TikTok with this song:

I wanted to share it with all the men in this group because it had broken my heart when I first heard it. I still cry every time I do hear it and I was sharing this song with people today.

Between my Master growing up in a world where they are screaming across the media that men should just unalive themselves because of their so called "male toxicity". To being told that real men don't show emotion, don't cry, and aren't really a man if you aren't working yourself to death to provide for your family.

To my brothers who served in the military, and one brother serving three tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. He suffers everyday with his mental health and no one out there understanding what he went through. To have to live in todays world where a man is literally not worth anything.

To all the men in here. To the struggles you are all going through. The fight you have to have today to defend your right to be who you are.

I hate that you all have to continue to endure the abuse this world throws at you.

Just know you are never alone. There are people out there that do cherish all of you. That you are loved and understood and truly respected. Not all of us believe this worlds narrative. We will stand beside you and lift you up and do our best to help you get back the respect and love you are owed.

Thank you for existing. For your wisdom and guidance. For holding on even when you feel like you shouldn't. You are needed, and wanted in this world.

How does music connect you to the world around?

The sound of the beat, the melody, and even the lyrics moves my soul. It causes me to feel something deeply intense. I have always had a love for music. It transforms my thoughts and tears me from the realm I am in and transports me to a better place emotionally. When I am jamming out, singing, and just vibing I am calmer, happier, and stress free. Music also allows me the opportunity to process much of my thoughts.
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Do you have a theme song?

Oh I have several theme songs. It depends on my mood. Plus I am sure the Ash system plays a HUGE role in what my tastes in music are.

Thinking about when we play with our partner, or fantasize about doing so – is
there a playlist in mind?

Yes I have been creating a playlist for years now. whenever I find something that is arousing to me, or kinky related etc. I add it to the list. The list mostly also consists of songs that make me feel sexy and submissive.
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Do you have specific music you love to play to? What are they? Why do you
think they connect you to the moment?

Like I said before I have an ENTIRE playlist. I call it my Master Songs. They are songs that make me think about my Masters. Make me want to serve them, please them. They in turn make me feel safe and submissive and completely aroused and sexy. To some they likely wouldnt even see a song as submissive, but for me the lyrics are definitely there for me. Here are just a couple from that list.

“Do not be like servants who serve their masters expecting to receive a reward; be rather like servants who serve their master
unconditionally, with no thought of reward.”
– Antigonus of Sokho

I struggle with this so much. I am obedient and I enjoy performing acts of service for my Masters. However I struggle so much with the reward system. I definitely appreciate when I am rewarded. However it is hard for me to even see if I am rewarded.

I must admit that I do become depressed over time if I dont get rewarded at all. Now that being said my service and submission is not transactional. I am not out here doing the things I do for my Masters in hope and expectation of receiving a reward. Just over time not even a good girl can become depressing.

If I do not know that I have pleased my Masters then I am going to beat myself of and become depressed over time.

So as I reflect on rewards in my dynamic I understand that I have had to constantly shift my thinking and looking at rewards in a more humble and submissive way. Most think oh I was given a gift, or they spent X amount of dollars on me to make me happy for pleasing them.

I as a person have never cared much for money.

So when I perform an act of service which can be actual tasks, or just me listening and engaging in a deep conversation with my Masters. It can be just me helping out one of the Masters or Mistresses that are my Masters friends. It could be as simple as waking them up on time for work without them even asking. Just things like this. What sort of rewards have I been granted?

- Good Girl!
- We are so proud of you!
- Dancing around silly with me to celebrate a small achievement.
- Head pats.
- I get a Gorean Bina from a Master when I help him.
- Sometimes a Tasta. (Which is a piece of candy for those not familiar with Gor)
- Bubbles for my bath.
- My favorite meal cooked.
- Movie night where I get to choose.
- Daddy draws me a picture.
- Butt Pats/Spankies
- Sometimes a song they sing recorded for me.
- Cartoon time.
- They do a writing challenge for me.
- They help me with a task.
- They do a task meant for me that I was meant to do but said for - me to just relax.
- Buy me a present sometimes

To be fair the list could likely go on. I can definitely see anything they do for me as a reward. It really is how the way you look at something. Still sometimes when I am really depressed it can be difficult to recognize a reward. Sometimes they have to tell me it is a reward for me to be aware of it. As much as I would like to know that their smile is reward enough my Masters have to actually use their voices because I am blind.

Still I do like what LunaKM said. As I resonate with it just as much. I went from being a service slave to an obedient slave. So with that I appreciate it the most when my obedience is rewarded instead of my acts of service.

"I’m not service oriented. I’m obedience oriented." LunaKM

"Spend about 5 minutes thinking about the advice you have received from others about life in general, living as a submissive or searching for a Dominant. How has it helped you grow and why does that advice keep coming back to you?" - Submissive Advent Calendar, LunaKM
"There is no wrong or right way to do BDSM as long as it is consensual." My Mentor, Sir Seven

"Needs are not negotiable." My Mentor, Sir Seven

"A submissive and slave can say no, and have safe words." My Mentor, Sir Seven

"Just because I am angry with you does not stop me from being your dominant. Just because you are angry with me does not stop you from being my submissive. Therefore you can be angry with me from your knees." My Master, Damon

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." Rose Kennedy

“Only a life lived in the service to others is worth living.”-Albert Einstein

"Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game" Babe Ruth

“Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be part of who you will become” Nick Portokalos, From My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Plato's - The Allegory Cave

Anne Desclos - The Story of O

John Lange aka John Norman - Gor Series

Now granted there are so much more I could have listed. I was limited to five minutes. So many creators on youtube, podcasts, and even people within therapy that have guided and helped me. Let along all of my personal experiences over the years.

Some of this was sound advice and others were lessons I had to learn the hard way. Still BDSM and D/s is a journey well worth traveling. Nothing ever good is ever had by taking the safe paths. You have to risk being hurt and heart broken to find true happiness. It was hard to get where I am, but I am proud of my journey.

Learn to love and accept yourself. All the good and the bad.