This one is NOT about food

I am here. I am tired. I have been productive. I have risen above. I will continue. Tomorrow is another day, Good night.

Hello Friends,

So it may have been a few days since I've spent time collecting my thoughts into a blog shaped item, but I've had a lot going on. 

So my life was and still is in many ways a mess. But a few days ago I had a particularly low moment. 

It will take a minute to explain the background and what I've been going through but the crux of the issue comes down to this moment of realization. I have very little amounts of love for myself. 

This whole series of events began when one morning when I was in a dark and very low spot. My mind was filled with absolute loathing and disdain for who I am. There was not a single thought of light, positivity or any joy. I was miserable and pretending to all those who could see me that things are fine. Because if we put a smile on our face than no one will realize how much hurt is going on within you. The issue with plastering a smile on your face is that it does little to quell the fucking shitstorm that can be roiling around inside you. And ultimately it does not address the issue at hand. 

So my problem. Well hahaha let's talk about one of my problems. Because I have many. 

My issue revolved around my lack of attention to my household and physical environment. I allowed all areas of my physical space to fall into disrepair. There were a number of concerns that were steadily growing in difficulty and severity the longer I choose to neglect those issues. 

One prime example, was the plant that I am growing. I didn't look at it for days on end, not even a "Hi, how are you? Let's take a quick peek and see where you are at" After days of negligence and walking downstairs and seeing it wilted and with a number of nutrient deficiencies and only throwing the tiniest amount of water at it (because I was late for work and didn't have time to do a proper watering) I let it go. Same with my yard. Same with all of my responsibilities within my household. Everything was building up and becoming problematic and I was sitting on my ass doing absolutely nothing to improve my situation. 

I was stuck in a mental downpour of vicious self degrading comments and thoughts. It was a general "You're fucking useless etc etc." Because I was being unproductive. Because I was allowing my physical space to be a spot for negativity. These issues were becoming larger and more difficult to handle because I was doing NOTHING about them. 

But that day stuck in that deep vortex of self loathing and hatred for who I am and my inability to accomplish even the tiniest thing wound up being the best thing that could have happened in my life. 

You might be asking yourself "Ummm why?"

The answer is super simple. I have FUCKING AMAZING friends. One of which I was scheduled to speak with later that day, and when we began talking I started to express some of the things that were going through my negative headspace. 

She wanted nothing more than to help and set about offering something I desperately needed. Some accountability. 

The thing is I've never been accountable to and for myself. Everything in my life has been for others. Someone else. But we began to delve into conversation, and exploring what occurs within and why it was that I am feeling this way. It clicked in my head. I don't love or appreciate myself. I don't care about my well being, which is why I can go and not shower for weeks at a time. Because I don't care enough about myself to clean, or handle what's going on in my life. Because I don't matter. So why should I bother taking care of my lawn or doing anything productive? Why should I do anything for myself when I don't care? 

So in some ways identifying one of the largest issues I was currently dealing with we began to work on a gameplan together. 

How does one become productive? Why can't I consistently take care of the things that are requirements in my life? It's because I didn't care, so how do you begin to care? 

It starts with accepting yourself. There is a lot to understand, and I won't lie it's not easy for me. I don't see my value and I struggle defining within myself what I believe to be my best qualities. I mean I can parrot what other people have said are my good qualities and yes absolutely to some degree those things are valid and true. But they come from an outside source and my issue has been that I don't create my own positivity. I lose the light and I'm blinded to my own beauty and what I bring into a situation. But other people see it. They point and say "You've done a great job". I desperately need to hear that from people, and it can be a huge boost to your confidence and sense of self. The thing is I NEED to begin to believe in my own ability. I NEED to start the positivity from myself so that I offer more of who and what I am. It all must stem from me first and foremost. I mean yes I'm happy to accept a compliment and that will always make my heart soar, but I need to find a way to make my own heart soar because I exist. Because I am me. Because there is no other reason than I am. 

One very simple way to begin to take care of ourselves is by taking care of our environment. Often times when I was a child and my room was messy my head would be filled with clutter, excess noise that would lend to me being frustrated easily, and overwhelmed because there was JUST SO MUCH. Turns out when I would clean my room my mind would calm down, I could think more clearly and I didn't feel as much pressure. Now mind you I always put pressure on myself, I strain and say in my mind "Hey, you need to accomplish things. Be better, do more. Run faster, jump higher...." (Nods to the karaoke group) So how do I keep from letting this internal pressure build to the point where it spawns negativity? 

*Runs to the top of the nearest structure, clears throat* 

TAKE ACTION!!!!!

That's right. After our conversation I set about myself to handle my life. I started cleaning up my yard, and as of this moment I actually have a decent front yard that isn't an embarrassment to look at. My backyard a whole other story but I have been putting semi-consistent (I say semi because I missed yesterday) time towards handling the absolute jungle that is my backyard. 

I have been cleaning my dishes, cleaning myself, working out more consistently again, taking care of my plant, I trimmed it down and am working at handling the deficiencies that have built up in the soil. But I'm making progress. 

Since moving into my house the other day I finally bought a bed frame, and now that it's assembled last night I slept on my bed in *MY* bedroom. For the first time. And I say for the first time because prior to this that room once my wife and I separated was an empty husk of a space. It was a mattress on a floor. With a dog bed beside it. See I used to pass out on my couch every night. That's where I slept because it didn't matter. Why should I bother to walk over to my room and sleep on a mattress that's on the floor? My couch is comfortable enough and it puts me to sleep. So why should I bother? Well now I have a bedroom that's mine, because I put some effort into creating it for me. 

Part of the entire issue though too, was that this whole space was supposed to be created for my wife and I. When we separated it became very difficult to imagine this as my home because it was supposed to be our home. Now I am here with only my animals and all of the responsibility. But I am not certain about my future here. So why should I put effort into a space that may eventually no longer be mine? The answer to that question lies within your self love and self worth. I have value, and I need to respect that value by caring for myself. Nurturing that value so it continues to grow instead of stagnate. No one else can grow my value but myself. The thing is other people can easily help and add value to your life, but if you take that person and perhaps they become busy with their own struggles and don't have time to tell you how valuable you are. You need to be able to see that value stem from within so when you are perhaps alone you don't crumble under the weight of the oppressive negativity that can consume you. 

Even when we began this course of improvement in my life, the thing is I am held accountable by my friend but I'm not doing any of it for her. Because if I was doing it for her than the entire point of this would be wasted. I need to stand on my own two feet for myself. Because I matter and I'm important to me. 

The thing is being productive and accomplishing those tasks that are weighing me down and dealing with that "To do list" can be a very fulfilling and empowering. The first day I woke up and had this changed mentality I started my day at 6 am. By the time 3 pm had rolled around I had accomplished a great deal and I still had my afternoon and evening to enjoy myself with ANYTHING I choose to do. Because I had put in effort to change my physical environment and I had earned my rest that day. 

When I played videogames and watched Netflix that night I had a greater sense of enjoyment because I had accomplished something that day. I didn't have to hold negativity in my mind, that I was enjoying myself because I had managed to remove those thoughts of "I need to get this done". Because it HAD been done. So now I didn't have to waste any mental energy thinking or worrying about that issue. Or berating myself for another day with nothing accomplished. 

There are so many areas where I am seeing improvement because consistent effort and determination have warranted results. 

Just yesterday I found a new sound in beatboxing, and I managed to hold my handstand longer than I've ever done before. 

I've also been attending a mediation class and for the first time had an interactive experience while meditating. It wasn't much and honestly I lack the words to fully describe the experience. I mean it wasn't anything insanely profound. It was just a sense of calm, that radiated through my whole body and then a moment where I began to feel the heat resonate from my right forearm. And I could sense the heat emanating from my arm. Yeah it was weird and that's about as far as I had gotten, but it's more than I've ever experienced before. So improvement!! 

There is still so much that I struggle with. I have many problems that still require my attention and my effort to improve. But I'm making progress. I am improving myself and for the first time I'm doing it for me. I want to continue to grow positivity in my life and surround myself with good things. I want to become a light in my own life, just as I desire to do that for others. But before I can truly help someone else I need to help myself. 

So today I will be enough. Today I will do what is required of me to be a successful human male. At least for me. The needs that I have in my life will be addressed. But it takes time and when you neglect something for a few days, or a week, or longer.... Well it takes time to work on improving it and the longer the neglect has been allowed to thrive the more difficult overcoming that challenge is. I've allowed a lot of negativity to build up, I've allowed a lot of situations to regress into difficult challenges. I've made the work harder on myself. Now it's time to make it easier. By doing a little bit each day. 

One thing I've found useful, especially when dealing with really distasteful and unappetizing tasks is to set a timer. I use my phone and set a timer for 10 minutes or 15 or half an hour. Just work on accomplishing that task for that amount of time. Then if you don't get it done either you find it's not so bad and you can keep working or you say "Today I have done enough, tomorrow I will do the same or more" 

Now just because things are going well and improving doesn't mean that all of my negativity has gone away with it. I mean 95 percent has for sure, but there is still parts that are weighing down my heart and making me feel heavy. 

But the thing is you just need to remain aware. 

Part of why drastic change has occurred so rapidly in my life is because I am beginning to understand the reason behind my actions. The WHY  of the situation. When you see how your pattern of behaviour is created by one or two situations you start to realize where you are failing and it's not quite where you imagined it to be. 

So I don't spend enough time with my dogs. Part of that issue is because my backyard is unusable. I'm worried about being back there because it's a mess and unsightly. If I manage to put in effort and keep my backyard clean and in usable condition (clean of dog poop, because no one needs that on their shoe and maintained lawn care) then I can use that space to play with my dogs and I can help them have a better experience in life as well. All these things impact different areas and sometimes the consequences are much farther reaching than you intend. I mean all mistakes have a cost, it just depends on how you pay and how much.

Each mistake in my life has cost me something. Something small. Something big. Something expensive. Something invaluable. It all just depends but each mistake has a cost. You may not always fully realize the price of your mistake until much later on as well. 

But I'm here, and working on myself. I'm making great strides and I am going to continue on this path. I need to remain consistent in these changes I'm employing in my life. 

So take each day as a new opportunity to thrive and grow. We just need to continue to move forward as best we can.

To those that took the time to read this thank you, and I hope you have a stupendous day!

Well hello again,

It seems we keep bumping into each other at the same point. Perhaps that's because you have found some interest in my journey or perhaps you were just bored today. 

But I had a very interesting conversation with a dear friend of mine who is becoming more and more significant in my life in many ways. She has always posed questions about my process and prodded into my life because I want to know her opinion. I'm curious to see her perspective and the questions she asks helps me define myself when I explain parts of who I am. Sometimes I just ramble until something strikes my head like lightning and I realize "how much this is me" while attempting to explain myself to her. 

So today, I brought up one of the issues that I will struggle with for probably a little while yet. It had to do with my age. My experience. My ability and again what it is I can offer. 

She made a comment about my honesty. She expressed and informed me that I have the potential to shape and offer an abundant source of "value". I just never saw it as such which is often the case with me. 

I can be downright ignorant sometimes. Oblivious even. Until someone can point and say to me "Hey, you help me this way." *POINTS AND FLAPS ARMS* I tend to dismiss myself (another comment mentioned by my friend who does not want to see me disregard myself) The point is though that I struggle seeing my own value. 

Oh!! Yeah so I've spoken about confidence and how I'm gaining more. Just understanding and internalizing that there is a massive difference between self love, and confidence. 

So I'm beginning to be more confident in my abilities but something that is still lacking in a sense of self worth and appreciation for my effort. I still do not value myself. 

I still hide my eyes to my own work, and pretend like I'm not doing any good. 

The thing is I have been working on a number of different viewpoints. 

I would like to begin with understanding. Understanding ownership. The thing is I hope to become a fully realized dominant at one point in my life. So in part of walking my journey is understanding how ownership of myself, my thoughts and actions, my property, my physical self, those around me, the things I'm responsible to and for, the relationships in my life. It's about understanding what might ownership of a relationship with my father might look, sound or feel. How is that different than a relationship with a friend? How is ownership within a relationship different than ownership of property? Where is the responsibility towards that physical property? How is that different from physical item to item? 

As you can tell there was a bullet train of thoughts and questions rushing through my head. Each one has to be looked at and evaluated on its own, and has to fit within my life and how I choose to walk. Ownership of my relationship with my father has to do with understanding him and myself. I create boundaries for consent because he would not be fully accepting of my lifestyle. So to protect myself and him keeping things a little lighter has to be my response. Because I know him. It's unfortunate that I may never be able to fully express myself to him, he will never know all of me and that is a sad thing. But I do not wish to put added stress on a relationship that has already undergone a significant trial. (I can get into it, but there was a period of about 6 year's where I did not interact with my parents, siblings or nieces and nephews) I am working on improving my relationship with my family, and the thing is I already adjust myself according to the family member. 

Example! My interaction with my sister. I've already told her that I'm into bdsm as a lifestyle. I have had a closer connection with her than with any member of my family and as such she has been the first person that I've opened up to. I can express myself more openly because she is more likely to accept all of me without reservation. Although I do need to be careful because I trust her more than the rest of my family it hurts when she betrays my confidence more than anyone. It's also a problem because I let her in more than anyone, and as such she has the most potential to hurt me. Which she has done in the past but trying to get past that stuff means allowing her an opportunity to prove she is trustworthy. So giving her a small piece of myself that I haven't shared with anyone else in my family is a way of doing that. 

Worst case scenario is everyone becomes aware of my preferred lifestyle. The thing is I hold no shame over my desires any longer. I can have a conversation with my father about why I resonate with bdsm, but I am doubtful that he would understand. Which is why I choose not to allow him into this portion of my life. 

You can look at it anyway and say I'm being small minded, if I'm willing to give my sister a chance why not my father? 

The difference is the person. I mean if my sister chooses to tell my family about my preference then I will handle the conversation at that time. But it's not something that matters because it doesn't affect my relationship with my father. I would enjoy being able to wholly express myself and not hide any part of who I am, but I'm afforded that opportunity here. So do I need my father to understand this part of me? Not when I feel like it would add more strain and potentially ruin what progress we have made. 

But the thing is ownership isn't just about the relationships around you. It's about taking ownership over how you breathe. It's about taking ownership of the air you use to fuel who you are. I mean we can get super critical and break this down to the point where you consider the ownership of intention. When you intentionally shift how you walk, your swagger, how you hold your body, the way you breath. You can own everything about your life, it's in part understanding what that looks like to you. 

So for my physical space (which is a nightmare) I see ownership as having clean surfaces from the kitchen to the bathroom to the yard outside. Although a clean surface outside would be trimmed trees, mowed lawn, the siding of my house, the fence, cleaning up the doggy fecal matter. 

I have gloriously failed in my physical space in my life in ownership. My living room is a mess, my kitchen a bit of a disaster. Currently my mattress resides on my floor with no sheets or boxspring. I don't even have a bedframe for my mattress at this moment. Fortunately my bathroom is clean because I took care of it a little while ago, but the issue with cleanliness is that it's always required again. Given enough time things get dirty. Life is messy especially when you have dogs. So I constantly have to keep up with cleaning, and as a child I never liked to clean. So as an adult I need to find ways to motivate myself to take care of what's necessary and important to owning my life. Especially now that I'm expressing it beyond just thoughts in my head. Because when I speak the words in my mind they haven't been actualized. They aren't real because I'm just making this all up in my head. So when I expressed myself openly to my friend and voiced for the first time aloud to someone else "ownership" finally became real to me. Which means now I am responsible for clean surfaces. I have to be accountable and hold a certain standard in my own life that I would expect ANYONE, INCLUDING MYSELF to hold to. 

So understanding this and expressing it today in written form is a way that I can begin to move forward. I am saying the words aloud and going to embody these ideas of ownership into each area of my existence. 

How am I going to do this for my physical space when I've not had success before? If you have spent any time reading my blogs you will know I procrastinate. I put everything off for as long as possible. As such my floors as dirty. My lawn is kind of okay, but should be handled today or tomorrow else it will become a massive hassle to handle. I have laundry in all manner of random spaces that shouldn't be there, but should be taken into the laundry room and washed so I have clean clothes to wear. I need to make sure I am looking after my hygiene and maintaining consistent patterns of showering and brushing my teeth. 

So I recently attended a mediation class. I stepped into the deep end a little bit and was thrown about with very little understanding of what it was that I was trying to do. The thing was during the class I kind of forgot how to breath and I wasn't in the right mindset. I also struggle with sitting still. Unless I smoke cannabis. 

The thing is I'm hoping to be able to utilize effective methods of visualization and mediation as a tool and be able to utilize them as I need within my day and life. As such, I cannot smoke just anytime I wish. So as much as getting high can cheat me into that mindset immediately I would enjoy learning how to find my way there without any substance. 

But I had a very "Aha" moment for me. The other day I hit my vape and while in that already altered state of being I began to think about my life and the goings on and try to find some time to meditate and find understanding within myself. 

I had recently taken all of my dogs for an outing to visit with my wife, as she hadn't seen the dogs in over a month. It's been a huge adjustment for her not having her babies around so we are making plans to try and keep her connected with the animals. What that will look like is still up for debate and will be determined by schedules and other nonsense. 

The point though was while I was meditating and going through my mind I realized something significant to me. 

I do not appreciate the things I have in my life. 

Part of going forward is determining how the eventual divorce will split up our family. Tentatively we have decided that I will get Max (Great Dane) and the two Kitty's, while my wife will get Teddy (Pomsky) and Lucian (German Shepard). 

While meditating I thought about saying goodbye to Lucian and Teddy. The idea that at one point they will no longer be in my life. 

Before I could really follow that path into the emotions and depth of all that it would mean for me to no longer see Lucian or Teddy, it clicked in my head that I don't appreciate my time with them as much as I could. 

It was this thought of not appreciating the things in my life that I have. 

I do not appreciate my home for the protection that it offers me. The reason I don't appreciate my house is because I do not take proper care of it. Well no, I don't appreciate my house because it still doesn't feel like I've earned it. But my lack of attention is discernable because there is evidence everywhere that I don't respect my home. I don't appreciate any aspect of it, because I've allowed it to get into such a state of disrepair. The same has gone for almost all aspects of my life. You can tell that I do not appreciate physical things in my life because there is no care to detail around them. 

Take for example my desire to appreciate the people in my life. I will do my utmost to show people that matter in my life just how they matter and why they matter. I will take effort to show that I appreciate the work and time they have dedicated to me. I will try to reciprocate and give as much to them as I feel has been given to me. Equal parts to the exchange. I want to give that back and bring positivity and give back what I feel like I've received. 

So what do I receive from my living room table? It holds my papers and I put my feet on it when I want to relax. But how do I show appreciation for my table? I've allowed all manner of papers and clutter to fill that space. Is that appreciating my table for what it can offer my life?

By my own definitions and my own truth, NOT AT ALL!!!

So, what is it that I can do? 

Well first learn to appreciate what I have. Even the small things that I constantly forget about. The things that don't "impact" my life. Because it's just a table that holds things for me. Why should it matter? It's the principle of the thing though, what it means to myself and someone who sees me. That I don't respect my surroundings. I don't take care of my property. I don't handle the necessary issues in my life. So how can I do that for someone else, and hold the space and responsibility and prove to them I'm capable. When clearly Im not. 

At least not yet. 

The thing is, I have so much work to do. I'm on my path and moving forward but I don't always take the right next step. Sometimes I can't even see the right next step. 

Fortunately I can see, for the time being where I need to walk. I'm beginning to connect the way I want and desire my life to be to the physical space around me. 

But I tend to get caught up in the ACTION of being responsible for me. That's where I've failed more times than I care to share.

My friend mentioned to me though that my honesty, about my position and where I am. Where I desire to be, and my own unique path forward. How it looks and the documentation of where I'm at and how I'm trying to get there. That's the value I can offer to those that are within my sphere of influence. That right now, with my lack of experience within the community and lifestyle and where I'm at in my path is the most wonderful thing I can offer. 

So I wanted to write. Here I have. The things that hold importance to me in my life and how they connect. Some of my thoughts and current struggles. 

I would like to embrace my value, and see it for the potential I have. 

So I'm going to continue to bring you along with me, and I hope you manage to find some added benefit to your journey from interacting with me and mine. 

Have a day that's just right for you! 

Okay..... 

I'm going to be honest. I'm a tiny bit disappointed in myself. I have been taking more and more time away from the site as it's become slightly less of a priority in some ways in my life. 

Sooo, in general a tiny update. Things are improving. I've made more efforts to be active and involved in those around me. I had a chance to go floating with a friend and got into some activities that have been a long time coming. I used to white water raft, canoe and all sorts of things on the rivers and creeks around my area. I haven't touched water in what has felt like years (except to shower, but even then I have taken months off at a time from even doing that. I should mention previously, I do try and maintain a more consistent level of hygiene and maintaining my health currently) 

So I spent some time getting things done, taking care of necessary tasks and errands that required my attention. I've even been more social at events and parties hosted by those at my work. Normally I am forgotten about and typically not invited to these events, which normally doesn't bother me. I like being left alone, because I don't feel a genuine effort from their part to participate in my life. There is literally one work acquaintance that I consider a legitimate friend because he will invite me to participate. He invited me to go float, he invited me to that party. He's the only person who ever thinks "What about Jon?". 

The thing is I've begun to encounter more people who care to participate in my life. I'm realizing as more individuals are drawn to me in whatever form or capacity that there is less need that I require from anyone around me. I have myself, and a much stronger sense of my worth. Especially when I have amazing people who care deeply for me. How can I deny what they see in me and my ability? I mean I constantly feel like I'm too young to offer anything. I mean what experience do I have that can help improve someone else's day??? Seriously, when it comes to the lifestyle and interacting with people I feel like all I happen to do is take. I feel like sometimes all I do is absorb and pull in all the energy around me and leave those who give to me without any reciprocation. The thing is I've spoken with those people constantly. I've asked them over and over "What benefit do I bring to you?" I've asked myself over and over "What value do I bring?"

Sometimes. The answer is as simple as happiness. 

Sometimes, the answer is a lot more satisfying that I have managed to change how someone sees the world and interacts with it. I've managed to improve someones life by simply existing. 

So why do I constantly doubt myself? Why do I still argue and complain and say "I'm not good enough?" When I have talented, smart, caring, lovely people who believe in my ability? Who say I'm good enough, who say what I have to offer is valued and important. That I do matter and I do make a difference. 

The thing is I WILL make a difference in those that choose to interact with me. Whether that difference is positive or negative would depend on our personal interactions and a clash between our beliefs. Or their respective alignment. 

There was one other thing I had wanted to mention. 

Last night during work I watched a Ted x talk about leaders. And how they should be addicts. 

The premise was this. There are 3 things that are required to survive being an addict. 

NUMBER 1) Your unreserved authenticity. 

Your ability to show up, to be emotionally vulnerable, to be present, to be nothing more or less than you. 

NUMBER 2) Surrender the outcome

This I need to work on constantly. All I can manage is all that my skills and abilities can bring forth. After that I can't do anything except see what the outcome will be. 

NUMBER 3) Do uncomfortable work.

It takes action to improve things in our lives, and most of the time the work is crummy. It's hard and challenging. But we don't grow when we overcome molehills. I mean it isn't that much effort to get over a molehill. But when you tackle a mountain and end up on the other side that is when drastic and permanent change can happen. 

I have an opportunity to gain a new skill set. I have new kink and fetishes to explore and discover. 

I have a lot of potential and exciting moments just on my horizon. 

I'm getting more excited and ready for the necessary changes in my life. I want to embrace them and make a radical improvement to my life. It is possible, it just takes effort. The right mentality. The right determination. 

I'm making progress and I won't stop, and to those who care to spend their time interaction with me I want to thank you. You constantly show me what it means to give and share compassion. When you can offer help and healing from around the world you are someone extraordinary. I'm impressed and floored each day that you manage all you can. I'm damn lucky to have a friend as honest and forward as you, and I deeply appreciate that I can trust who you are and what you say because in every moment you have proven your worth and your measure. You are phenomenal and I hope to see you grow. 

Be well everyone, and I hope today brings you a smile. We all deserve happiness and joy, let's come together and share that which we can create with each other. 

Holy hand baskets everyone,

It has been a few days. I had deeply wanted to write a blog previously but I was underwhelmed with topics. For a few days I could not imagine anything inside my head that I wanted to spread to the outside world. 

I was at a loss and kept wanting to write something. 

Until last Thursday, when I realized my weekend was going to ridiculous. I have been wanting to write something because I have so much that's gone on in the last few days. 

To say it has been a rollercoaster would be selling it just about right. There has been tremendous positive things in my life, and I'm extremely grateful for the people I can lean on when I'm not my best self. 

So I would really enjoy taking you through a portion of what occured and my thought process and results. 

I guess I should begin with my work week last week. I was very negligent with my attention to my household and needed to do some lawn maintenance. It was so bad that I was called by my villages bylaw, requesting the mowing of my lawn by Monday. 

Anyways, I went from sitting on my rear end to having so much work to do over my weekend and the moment I realized all of this was when I had an event going on Thursday evening. Suddenly it all clicked in my mind exactly what was going on that weekend. 

I had a party in which I held a role of importance. I had events to connect with people and it turned out to be my birthday the Monday after the weekend, so I had dinner plans with my parents on the Sunday evening. 

I worked Friday, had Saturday and Sunday off. Then had to go back and work Monday to Wednesday this week, (heck yes tomorrow is Friday for me) 

So Friday I just went through my regular shift and I just relaxed in my evening. 

Saturday, I began my day early. I had a lot to get done. Today was my friends party. Last year he organized an event, right around this time. It is meant to be a Stampede party. For those that may not know, the Calgary Stampede is one of the largest outdoor rodeos in the world. We host the event through to showcase agriculture and all sorts of events. They have carnival rides and the most terrible but amazing food. Deep fried and delicious. They have musicians and the whole spiel. Anyways, because of Covid they had to cancel the event but as things have begun to open he was able to host a block party. It started early in the morning and while he was organizing the event he was speaking about having someone referee the games for the beer Olympics. I offered my abilities and services to become one of the refs for the day. 

But on Saturday I had made plans to have a conversation with my friend at 11 am and there was no way in hell I was going to miss that conversation. So I began my yard work early Saturday which was a really good thing, because my weed whipper ran out of fuel. So I had to take an hour's worth of time to go get some supplies from my nearest store. Luckily I bought the right type of fuel for the weed whipper I have, but the whole ride home it was hard not to think "I've bought the wrong shit". Luckily I guessed right and bought the fuel I needed, so I was able to finish cleaning up my front yard which was my goal on Saturday and then Sunday I was going to finish my back yard. So I finished whipping everything down and checked the time it was 10:15 am. The thing was I had written on my calendar that our conversation was supposed to happen at 10:00 am (Wishful thinking that we could talk sooner, but we didn't calculate our time zone difference correctly) I was super thankful that I was able to have a bit of time because I needed a shower. During my time taking care of my lawn I was all dressed up with big winter boots, sweatpants and a winter jacket that made me look like a lumberjack. I had to layer up because I live on marshland and my house and yard houses around 10,000 mosquitoes my largest nemesis of the bug community. So dressed to the nines I was sweating bullets. Dripping. I also had an issue with my glasses constantly falling off of my face because I've bent my frames from dropping them too many times. It's a vicious cycle. 

Anyways, I managed to shower and relax for a few minutes before my conversation with my friend. We had an absolutely outstanding conversation and during our conversation I mentioned a really important thing I have found for myself. I need to be able to rely on myself more than anyone. I need to be responsible for me and mine, and I had discussed taking the year of 29 for Jon. The thing is in so many ways I'm exceptionally happy right where I am, and I dont need to be anywhere else. 

So after our wonderful and fulfilling conversation I had to get a couple things ready for the party. I was actually in the middle of doing laundry so I had to wait for all my clothes to dry before I could get dressed and at that point I had also realized that I hadn't eaten anything yet that whole day. So I made the most amazing breakfast of coconut milk and chia seeds. Super tasty and awesome. I have really enjoyed them for a super quick and easy breakfast. 

So finally, laundry done, food consumed, dogs happy and taken care of, and ready to finally go. By the time I drove into my friends place it was around 1:30 pm or so. When I drove up there were signs all over saying "Block Party". So the way my friend organized the party was such that it was kid friendly until 8 pm. So there were signs up to drive slow, he had a bouncy castle set up, a treasure hunt for the kids and all sorts of events and made it easy to access snacks from a local restaurant that donated food and drink. There was a DJ that showed up after 6 pm and started playing music until after midnight. So my role was to take over the beer Olympics and games. My buddy, he had so much on his plate he wanted to delegate the games so he didn't have to think about them. 

Which meant that I had autonomy. I had control over the games. *I* was the final say along with the other gentleman who had agreed to ref beside me. So I arrived at the party, and I began to familiarize myself with all the rules of the different games we had set up and the different areas. I wanted to know my responsibilities so I could answer any questions as best as I could. So I took the rules that had been printed off for me and went about using my buddies kitchen as my staging area. Working from a clipboard and my awesome brain space, I began working out how I wanted to run the games. I had some pretty good ideas, and was getting excited for my role as "The Referee". I had really wanted to apply just a tiny bit of the lifestyle to my approach as governor of games, so part of my preparation was the mental side before I stepped out of the house. I stood there and repeated in my head, "I'm the referee" over and over. It was a way to embrace and embody everything that I wanted to. So I first found out and took my time scouring up and down the block counting heads and asking people to create pirate groups with team names and all your members so I could track who was playing alcoholic games vs non alcoholic games. 

I created a system that I understood and once we got everything going I quickly realized how inefficient I had designed my "round robin tournament". Because I didn't design anything. I set up and organized everything right there in those brief moments of centering myself. I did not pre plan anything and literally flew by the seat of my pants. There were moments where everyone would respond and suddenly it was "Oh what's next" "Who are we playing" So I would have to figure out available teams, along with available games and try to mix and match opponents. Honestly I did phenomenal although the system I organized was not really well established as I had to leave for a few hours to feed my dogs and let them outside. Unfortunately my other referee disappeared because he had family and friends stopping into town. Which was fine but when I left and handed everything over to my replacement the whole system fell apart. As much as I explained everything as best I could and I knew which teams were playing on which games it was a really poor system that was ultimately not well organized. I hope to have the chance in the future to run it again because I can do even better. 

But I had people pop by throughout the evening to tell me how organized, fun and the general awesomeness of what was accomplished. The thing was I didn't feel like I was much responsible for the organization of the party. I kept telling people my friend did all the work, but the truth is I did a damn good job. I was going non stop back and forth trying to keep everything going. As much as there were times where I was stressed and caught like a deer in headlights I still managed to keep composed. 

I had so much fun being in control. So many times I just had the biggest goofiest grin on my face, and it usually occured after I requested specific help with setting up or asking one person to take care of "holding this". 

There was also a really funny moment where I "propositioned" a woman nearly twice my age although I will say I am ATROCIOUS when it comes to estimating age. I was trying to find her a teammate, and we had an odd number of teams so I asked her to break up her team and create a new one with a few others. She mentioned how her husband had left her for another woman (apparently he didn't want her on his team) so I made a joke about how that before I could proposition her she would need to be rid of her husband. 

The reason I bring all of this up is because there was an interesting moment later in the afternoon. So a little while after this interaction, I was in my staging area writing down some info and grabbing some necessary "equipment" (beer) for the games. Anyways this lovely lady was looking for me to record the latest win from the beer pong table. So the kitchen where I was staying is hidden from the front door. The door was completely wide open, but she stopped at the frame and requested permission to enter the domicile. So I allowed her into the living room and came to meet her at the door because I had finished everything I needed to do. So she told me how the games had gone, and mentioned she could offer her help reffing in my place and would come record the games. So I told her which two teams were playing next and as she left the house she looked over her shoulder and said "I've left my husband, just so you know". I had no clue if she was actually serious but it put a smile on my face. 

The thing was the beer Olympics completely fell apart when I Ieft at 6:30 pm. By the time I made it back which was around 9 pm, things had completely stopped for the games. In some ways it was actually nice because I finally had some time to relax and enjoy the party myself instead of being responsible for it. My buddy even mentioned how much it was like I was working even before I left to get feed my animals. So when I got back I relaxed. Although I still wasn't super comfortable so I spent a fair amount of time just milling about not really talking to different or too many new people. I honestly enjoy finding a quieter spot and staying there and allow people to come to me. That's just my preference. Especially when in unfamiliar territory. The thing is as "the ref" I had a purpose to interacting with everyone. I needed to get all the teams, I had to relay information, and interact with everyone. But I had prepared and readied myself for that. As me though??? Just enjoying my time there? I take a completely different approach. So I found lots of reasons to run back into the house to use the washroom, or fill my water (amazing cycle as each one perpetrated the other) or to enjoy my vape that I brought along. But I did also shine just a little bit and break out of my shell. 

There was a few moments where no one was dancing and since the DJ booth was set up on a front lawn we could dance in the street. There was a moment near the beginning of when I got back that I wound up busting a move so hard my phone fell out of my pocket. I knew it was going to happen but I had to press pause on my awesome dance moves to deal with my phone. Luckily it wasnt any more damaged than it currently is, but I really did enjoy the rest of the party. 

I also realized my error at this point in the night and that was that each team did not get equal opportunity to play games during the beer Olympics. So if I do end up showing up next year I need to organize a schedule of which teams will rotate and to which games so that it's a fair chance for everyone. Because I messed that up in the very beginning it became difficult to award the winners. So to make it fair to everyone and after some hemming and hawing I decided we would do a dance competition for the winners. It was ridiculously sad as 4 people jumped at the opportunity. No one was really interested so, the "grand finale" turned into a bit of a bust. 

Really the last thing of the night was the moment I got lasso'd on the dance floor. Although she was doing this to everyone pretty much, since there were not a ton of people interested in busting a move. It still felt really awkward and weird but I did allow myself to spin with her until I nearly fell over. I remember stopping and I was looking at the tree that overhangs the DJ tent, and they had those light up projectors for decorating houses and large areas with colourful lights. I remember staring into the tree trying to catch my balance while these green lights shifted and moved all around and I thought I was still spinning. 

Honestly the party was a pretty large success and so many people just enjoyed themselves. So it was an absolutely awesome time and hopefully there will be another opportunity next year. 

Fortunately I left the party around 1:30 am or so, and made it safely home and let my dogs out and then completely passed out. 

Sunday I took it easy, but still had to finish cutting through my backyard which took a few hours of my day. I took my time so much that I actually missed a munch that I was supposed to attend. But I just barely had enough time to shower and head to my parents house for a birthday dinner after I got my backyard finished. By the time I was done and back home after the weekend and work week I was just pooped. 

So Sunday night I get home and completely fall into the trance my couch can put on me. 

Now at this point I hadn't set my alarms and did not plug my phone in.

I woke up Monday morning at 6:15 am. I needed to be at work by 6:30. I was so late that I rushed to take care of everything I needed to before I could leave, and called my boss telling him I would be late. 

When I finally made it into work, I was a little flustered. I managed to turn the whole day around though and even though we were busy I handled myself exactly as I needed to. I had multiple instances of dealing with irate customers, getting them answers and alleviating their concerns. My due diligence kept us from making a terrible mistake that could have been very costly, and I was doing everything I needed to. 

My co worker was even super awesome and allowed me some time with my family so we could have a family zoom meeting and look through some photo albums. 

But I spent my entire day so focused and busy, I desperately wanted to write this blog yesterday but I just didn't have time. Even today I have been working on this since the morning. Writing a paragraph or few sentences here and there so that now that I'm home I would be able to finish this without using all of my time for this evening. 

Anyways, by the time I finished work I was actually supposed to join another munch just through the discord app. So I drove home partly listening to music and beatboxing, until 7 pm rolled around. I spent the next 2 hours just creating awkward situations that were small misunderstandings but kept piling up. I'm also the type of person who can shut down and withdraw from those I feel like I've made a fool of myself around. So after a few silly little misunderstandings I felt the need to approach and apologize the person in charge of the online munch. During our conversation she asked me what I had hoped to gain and what I could offer by being accepted into the community. 

I thought about it and I don't exist within that city at all. I work there and that is my only connection there. I live outside the entity that is the city. I've also realized how little effort I've put towards embracing that community, because I've put all my efforts here into this community. I really felt out of place, and not that I didn't feel welcome but I just didn't feel like I belonged there. But there was a lot said in the conversation and when I finished talking it was 9:15 pm. 

So at this point I realized a few things. But there was a very critical moment during my conversation that shattered my perception of myself. 

So my mind hasnt given me trouble in a while. I've been extremely stable with my mental health and keeping positive and remaining in control of myself. 

But this shook me. 

It was like looking out through a cockpit window, but you realized the window is actually just a cardboard cutout and the framework literally cracked and split. The entire stability of my mind just shattered and the negativity that had been sealed away just sprung forth. There was not a positive thought that went through my head. I literally squished myself into my couch and tried to become one pushing myself into the cushions. I began to actually process my day. 

I thought through my morning, waking up late, busting my ass all day, even to the conversations and comments that absolutely made their way under my skin with my family during our conversations. Just tiny little things that don't even register that they are bothersome until hours later when you look back and realize how much that actually DID bother you.... Even just the feeling that I was left absolutely and completely alone as soon as I finished talking at the munch. 

But I was fortunate for many reasons. One I gave myself time to grieve and bawl like a baby. I felt my fear and doubts and let everything just overwhelm me because I was feeling just terrible. The thing was I had barely eaten anything, I had a long and stressful day, and trying to participate in a munch when I had no time to prepare for it was a little much. The thing was I tried to compose myself a few times, managing to sort of gain control over myself. Until my Aunt texted me a birthday wish, along with a very nice memory of my grandmother. The thing is my grandma passed away a few months ago. Actually about a week after I wound up separating from my wife. 

But the thing about this memory just brought up the fact that I had ignored my grandmother along with my family for the last 6 year's or so. I barely saw her before she passed and the memory my Aunt shared with me was the how happy my grandma was that I came to visit her the night prior. Except she was asleep so I didn't want to wake her up and we never actually talked. In many ways, I didn't say goodbye. Which when my mind was already tilted just helped me back over the edge once more. 

Luckily for me I have an amazing friend who was there and was able to help pull me back into reality. Which at that point was my exhaustion and famine. So I managed to kick my butt and make myself a birthday dinner. It was a ton of mushrooms cooked in butter and coconut oil, with a chicken breast. There is nothing special about that dinner, it's almost the exact same thing I eat every night. But I needed sustenance and it was perfect. 

So I'm finally 29. 

I still have a lot to figure out, but I'm here and found an amazing place to connect and grow. I hope to continue to interact with everyone and be able to create more connections with amazing people. 

I don't know what I would have done without the insanely amazing people I have found here. 

I want to sincerely thank those that have watched and participated in my journey so far. 

I'm really excited for my future, because I'm slowly learning to accept that I'm an awesome person. I just have technical issues with technology that make me seem like a creeper who is lurking around. The thing is I am just going to lurk right here and continue to do the same things I have been. I've found out and continue to find out through my friends how significant my impact can be, and I'm exceptionally happy that I can make a difference within those people that interact with me. 

I want to continue to make a difference and grow not only as a person but within my capabilities throughout the community. 

Okay. Now it's dinner time. 

I really hope you all have a superb evening/afternoon/morning! Depending on where you exist in the world. 

There is something that just speaks to your soul when someone takes a moment to consider your feelings and take some of their time to send you just warmth and a message of encouragement and reassurance. 

That is deeply appreciated. You want to internalize and hold onto it. Savour that taste and enjoy the moment for what it could mean. For a potential unlike any other. Because there could be no other person that could replicate how that one person makes you feel in that moment. 

The thing is when we look into our past, when we try to see what's going on behind those curtains of why we were and how we acted. You can recognize certain behaviours and how those relationships impacted you for better or worse. 

One thing I struggle with is jealousy. I don't like to be jealous because it makes me feel like garbage. My thoughts turn to poison and everything about myself can become negative. I used to be jealous that "You got to experience something cool with someone cool". I hated being left out of the loop so to speak. I'm slowly realizing that the past gets left behind and we only this moment and this time to contribute to the lives of those around us. Whether as a friend offering a shoulder to cry on, a friend to laugh with or something more significant. Maybe a serious point of trauma from your past, or a talk about your relative that has a critical condition. 

The thing is we all have stuff. Each moment is just another needle weaved into the tapestry of our lives. It's just what you can exude to those you interact with. Offer your best self today. 

But guess what happens when the sun goes down? You get another shot to be your best self. Hopefully, unless it's your last breath. In which case why not go out doing something you love with joy and exuberance in your soul? 

Live life fully. Enjoy the food you eat, the exercise you choose to do (or not). Learn to enjoy all the things necessary to live life. 

Anyways, no massive ramblings today. Just working on my self, *hanging* out, enjoying who I am. 

Hope you all have a superb day. 

Good morning friends! 

So my grueling 1 night is over, and now I'm back to my weekend. I also didn't realize until I checked the other day but I also have a vacation at the end of the month. 7 more days of work spread out over the next 2 weeks before I get a nice little 11 day vacation. 

I've had so much free time and plenty of opportunity to work on myself. I will have plenty more opportunity to grow and improve, but I read a blog that reminded me to be present. To be here in this moment and we could plan for a future that never comes. We just need to be here right now. 

So here I shall be, working on me and my things. Learning and improving skills, and growing each day. 

I am really excited like I haven't been in a while, and I am starting to really forge my own path in life. Do you, authentically. Just be who you are and exist. Those that are meant to be in your life will find a way there. 

The more you struggle the more the world view distorts, sometimes slowing everything down and remembering to control how you breath can offer huge benefit. 

We all have instability, and tremors that shake our foundations. It's about finding people who help calm those tremors. The thing is support only works so long as it remains in place. So being present and available is an absolute necessity. 

The thing is you need to stop and enjoy the scenery and learn how to appreciate this moment. You won't get it back. 

So I'm going to sit on my hill as long as it takes watching. Waiting. I'm really enjoying just learning how green the grass is right here and for once I'm not envious of the other side. My grass is perfect just the way it is. Well my metaphorical grass, me real lawn is an absolute disaster.... 

One of the things that must be accomplished. A task set forth to become conquered. 

So I'm dealing with all sorts of "green" today if you catch my drift ? That actually means I need to do all sorts of trimming and preparing to flop my beautiful green monster into flower and try the next step in the process of my grow soon. 

Lots to accomplish and achieve. 

I hope everyone has a phenomenal day, and remember "What can I do with the next 5 minutes?" Before you know it that 5 minutes turned into half an hour or an hour. 

Hi Everybody!

(I totally imagined this being said like Dr. Nick from the Simpsons)

So a tiny update. 

Today my suspension is over. I get to enjoy my Monday shift which also happens to be my Friday. Oh one day work weeks.... Now if I happen to have a bit of banked time I will see if I can payout a few hours and at least try to mitigate this loss of wage. 

Hopefully everything will turn out okay, but it's one of those wait and see moments. 

So I also didn't realize exactly how stressed I've been with all the ridonkulousness going on in my life. A friend pointed out that I've got a lot that could be considered "stress". The thing is I've been trying to hold firm in my mind that "I'm not stressed". 

I've been playing this game this whole time of peek a boo. Except the game goes more like this, "I can't see you so you aren't there". 

But closing your eyes and ignoring the situation DOES NOT change anything!! I've been doing this my whole life in a lot of ways. 

It's time to open my eyes. To see the truth and just accept it. To take action and ownership of the shit in my life. 

So with that all said, part of why I also wanted to write a little Diddy today is because I wanted to update you all on my sobriety. 

Absolute, CATASTROPHIC FAILURE!

In the most grand of ways. So I had a little back and forth in the comments of a blog. The thing about me is that I have a huge deal/paranoia/worry/anxiety over being dependant on substances. Abuse and addiction to substances is a prevalent thing in my family. It's something that my Father has actually drilled into me my whole life. Another piece that I hold his views instead of mine. I've always had a level of concern over my family and how addiction could impact my life. The weird part is when you focus on addiction in many ways it becomes worse. It becomes the focus and suddenly everything in your thinking and life exists for that sole piece of acquiring whatever substance you were using. For me that was alcohol and drugs. I was so concerned that I would fall into the patterns and habits that was a problem for my family it seemed. This blog though made mention that coffee is a tool, and if it's not hurting anyone and is offering assistance why not use it? See I even considered caffeine to be a substance that my body could become dependant on. So during my time in University I would try to avoid using coffee and I would work towards denying myself what might have been something that could have helped me.

Allow me to get a little weird but cannabis is my coffee. When I smoke there is a weird sense where I honestly feel more genuine, more sincere and more authentic. Here's the rub. I was worried that smoking was the cause of my laziness and procrastination. But I can be spectacularly lazy when sober as well as when I'm stoned. It has nothing to do with me being inebriated. Honestly more often I'm being productive because I am floating in my own perfect bubble. So why is it that I choose to deny myself something that I use as a tool daily to help myself? I've worked through a lot of my reasons and hangups on my abuse and what it's done in my life. I see why and when I'm using cannabis and if it's not hurting anyone, is a legal and permissible thing to do as an activity, helps me work through and handle my stress, my emotions, my ability to be me. It can focus my attention exactly where I need it to. Or can aid in that, but it is all about the mentality coming in. Literally "where is my head at?" 

Am I considering the proper variables? What's most important? How many things need to be accomplished? What can you do in the next 5 minutes? If you have to leave for work you have just under 10 hours to get everything finished. What should be accomplished and needs to be accomplished in that time? 

If you don't bring the right mentality you will falter and fail before you begin. It's irrelevant whether I'm intoxicated or not because I can function fairly well while "fucked" up on cannabis. I'm actually hitting my vape right now and have been this entire blog. 

Now this still pulls at the struggle that I'm constantly battling. My integrity. Saying "Hey, this is something I'm going to do" and making certain my actions line up with what I'm saying. The thing is in this one instance I'm going to say that the usefulness and benefit gained outweighs my honour in integrity. So chalk this one up as a loss, but that doesn't mean that I will walk forward with any less integrity. It's still something that I'm working on creating and fortifying in my life. This is just a tiny step in the wrong direction, but that allows for greater momentum forward. 

The point is I'm tired of looking at the things I love and saying "I shouldn't". There always seems to be a fight within myself when it comes to accepting part of who I am. The thing about struggling is eventually it makes you a little stronger. 

I hope you all have a wonderful celebration and 4th of July, but be safe and don't party too hard. 

I also had 2 songs that I really wanted to share. This first one had my whole body tingling when it came on so I figured that was a sign I should share it. 

And this one just makes me happy haha

Have a fantastic day everyone! 

Hey guys,

So I made a decision for myself. 

I smoke cannabis everyday. Almost. Sort of depends what's going on in life, and all that noise. 

So I have a few issues with substance abuse, although these issues have been in my past. I see the potential for my will to give in to the pull of each substance. 

For me it used to be alcohol and cannabis. 

I was depressed, addicted and flooding my system with as many substances to stop my pain. 

Actually as a Christian raised individual, I would have never touched drugs in my entire life. I was raised that they were of the devil and you were condemned to hell when you choose drugs. 

Well life happened. My girlfriend broke up with me. I absolutely deserved it. But I was miserable. I was smitten, and even though I ruined the relationship I was still completely crushed. 

So depressed, angry and so many levels of frustrated I finished an assignment with a friend one night after we had both stayed late in the computer lab. 

He turned to me and asked "Hey, to celebrate you want to go smoke?" 

We had had discussions previously about cannabis, and I asked questions nonstop. I was curious and wanted to know more. 

But when that moment came to choose, I was so frustrated and low I said "Fuck it, let's get stoned" Maybe this substance could help change how I felt. I was miserable and hurt and at that time I didn't really accept my role in the destruction of our relationship. 

So we drove out to a park near my house, sort of halfway between my house and my friends. I remember that entire night. It was the first time I had smiled in months. I had fun. It changed my life that night because I experienced life in a new way that shifted my mind. Whether that was good or not I'm not sure. 

Here I am now. So back when I was in university I abused cannabis. The thing was I used to abuse alcohol. Until that night that I found cannabis. Everything then changed for me, and in many ways I was finished with alcohol because I now had a different substance that I enjoyed myself more on. So I shifted from drinking myself silly, to smoking myself into a stupor. 

So I at one point I was encouraged to stop my destructive behavior in my life, but the reason I changed was to prove to my new girlfriend that she mattered to me more than a substance. 

Everytime I've chosen sobriety it was for someone else, or my work. The reason was always for someone else. 

I know why I use cannabis in my life now, I don't allow it to control me like it used to. The thing though when you use it everyday there is a part of you that becomes clouded as to the reasons you are using a substance. 

So it's time for me to take a small step back, reevaluate and see where I'm at for me with my use of cannabis. 

So I had made a promise to myself that I wouldn't use cannabis until my birthday in July. 

Its just a few weeks away, and while it may not be much I'm just going to take this one day at a time and make certain I'm still using cannabis for the right reasons for me. 

I hope you all have a beautiful day and find joy today. 

Good Morning Everybody,

So I have a few ideas rattling around in the old noodle. I wanted to express part of them, but nothing has been fully formed into actual thoughts. 

This can be a dangerous place for me to write from. (In the sense that this is about this be complete nonsense, enjoy!!)

So I recently read a blog in which there were promises made and low and behold at the end of the day what was said wasn't meant. Or for whatever reason person disappeared. This is such a regular occurrence it seems. 

The thing is there is a leap taken for everyone when you decide to place trust in someone. For me this is something that is a need. I need to be trusted. 

Why?

Well that would do with my past relationships and what happened. See in this moment I have a choice to be as honest about my past and let anyone in as much as I choose. 

Well to those that time the time to read my words. If you never clicked on my ramblings then you wouldn't be here. 

But this is about trust in many ways. I recently spoke with someone that clearly gave me something I needed and without realizing even how much of a need it was in my life. She gave me some of her trust in a way that she has never shown for anyone else. 

That right there is the moment I need. To be vulnerable and open, to say "This is a special part of me no one else knows." 

A lot of this stems from creating a cycle of failing in a 10 year long relationship. I created a pattern by actions chosen, to destroy the trust of my partner who was my girlfriend/fiance/wife/soon-ish to be ex (still beginning to figure this out). It's been a crazy journey and you look back with different eyes than those that walked through it. 

But I got to a point where I was finally working past breaking that cycle. I was on the way to a better path as a husband, and man of the house. I was earnestly trying for her but the ways she needed love was not the way I was showing. I also continued to make errors that were pretty harmful and was not a healthy person myself. The issue that hurts the most is when it's your issues that spill into someone's life that causing ruin. In many ways there was good, but her path is harder to walk because of the extra baggage I have attached on. She will always have something special to unpack from me for the rest of her days that she will need to handle in her way. 

When you have added a tremendous weight to someone's life. You realize how it is to *not act*. Because if you continue to follow the same cycles nothing ever changes. 

But part of all of that is honesty. Being honest online as if you were there in person. Because if you choose to make up someone else when you meet in real life all of that time has been wasted. Both of your time because you pretended to be someone you weren't. Or you disappeared because you couldn't express a shortcoming because it was too difficult to talk about. I mean there are a million reasons to leave with no excuse or explanation. 

You're left wondering of the million possibilities of what happened? Because feedback is important. It can help guide you to correct behaviour in the future. If you take the time to ingrain the lesson within yourself. 

But that is work. Effort and dedication to yourself and your future partner. 

Are you willing to put in the work? 

Will you take the leap?

Some of those out there will catch you. 

Some will let you fall. 

It's exceedingly difficult to tell the difference when you can make anyone up as a profile. 

That's why this is all based on the honour system. Are you being authentically you with those you interact with? 

If not, why is that? Are you afraid to be seen?

New flash!

We all are. 

In whatever way we struggle we all have demons and those things we are afraid to show someone else. It's just being willing to give the other person the respect to say:

"This is me, I hope we are compatible." 

Because you will find people who look at you laugh, or shake their head in disbelief. 

But then there are those that look at you and think "Okay, now what?". It's finding these people that it's important to be who you are. 

Authentic. 

Because when those people see you and think about you and turn their mind to you. That is when you know the relationship is more significant. It's finding those people to connect with. 

But not everyone will see you that way. And if you mask who you are, then there is no hope in hell since you aren't expressing your needs and showing your vulnerabilities. It's when someone loves you because of your flaws and scratches and scars. The worst parts of you. 

That's what we all hope to find within someone. 

It's there, and you can find it. But remain honest. Be open and sometimes it's about taking a leap to see whether or not this person you are placing your trust in will catch you or not. 

But we all leap. 

Let's try to leap with joy and a sense of hope that those we interact with are who they say they are. At least a little bit, unless you get one of those types of feelings. Even to find out more from the people around them. 

I would use cautious optimism with being aware of the actions taken, and whether or not they align with the words being spoken. 

It seems to be a common mention in comments to trust your *gut feeling*, since I don't really get those I mean you can trust your instincts but I've been led astray in everyway of thinking. From my own senses, from my gut feelings, from advice Ive taken friends and family. 

In so many ways we are all looking for that special person in our life that completes us. It's just about making sure we all show up honestly to give each of us the chance to determine whether we are a legitimate friends or dynamic compatible or play partners or however you are looking to connect. 

Anyways, ramble over. 

Have a good one people!