This one is NOT about food

So, this is my second post for the day. 

Disclaimer *Cannabis is being used in the production of this blog*

There is freedom in being yourself. Freedom in accepting what it is you love in life. 

I just read a blog in which a man proclaimed his love of his kink. It was a small piece of what BDSM is, in a very isolated region of where interest lies. But he was able to stand proudly and proclaim what it is he has enjoyment and what he loves. Regardless of its popularity, it's part of him. 

I may not have interest in his kink, but I can respect someone for standing up unabashedly for what they love. That takes guts. It takes fortitude that few people have, especially knowing that it is not widely practiced.  

I want to live my life with that unabashed love and passion. I want to celebrate all of the things that I love. 

Part of my problem is that my list of "have experienced" is next to nothing. While my list of "to be tried" extends beyond my arm. In part I want everything because I've tried next to nothing. I still have no idea how I will truly react in any situation. 

I have found myself in a position where I have chosen to isolate myself, although I find out tomorrow about how my future will look. A decision will be made and my future sealed. Of course where I wound up here is because of the choices of my past. They always have consequences. 

I had a friend of mine from work once tell me "Ask yourself, if I do this what will be the consequences 3 years, 5 years, 10 years down the road before you take action". The thing is I have witnessed that statement come true in a multitude of ways in my life. Most of them are negative now because my choices reflected poor decision making. They were self gratifying in the moment but had monumental impact in the long run. 

The thing is I've made mistakes that have caused all sorts of torment, and not the fun kind. 

I've owned up to my past and I have been able to put it behind me finally. That being said as we move forward we all evolve. So a friend from 6 months past might now after working through some things might be a much closer fit than you imagined. But every opportunity has to begin with a choice. 

The thing is I've realized that no matter what it's not your decision to make. You can't make any choice for any person unless they have put that responsibility on your shoulders with consent, negotiation, and all the other important aspects of developing a dynamic that could withstand the test of time. 

(If you happen to be reading this and have no idea what proper aspects to consider when beginning an interaction with someone please send me a message and we can have a discussion) 

One thing a very dear friend once told me " If someone is right for you today, they will be right for you years from now" I believe she is correct, in that if someone who is right for you and is truly meant to be in your life then regardless of when you actually get to physically see them if that happens to be years in the future it will occur because it was meant to happen. 

The thing is we can't live in the future. We only have the present and today in which we can live. We just need to do our best to be honest, authenticate and open about who we are, and what we love. 

Hope you all have a wonderful day 

Hello friends,

Have you ever felt a little lost within yourself? 

Today I am struggling. Well to be honest the last few days haven't been super easy. I mean don't get me wrong nothing challenging has popped up in my life currently. I mean just the usual stuff. The typical have to deal with this bullshit on the regular. 

The thing is a few days ago I had a very real and eye opening conversation with my ex. We discussed our past history, shared a few tears and came to acceptance. 

The question why would a good conversation end up making you feel lost? 

Because after that conversation I reached out to a friend. While conversing with my friend I did that magical thing where I put my foot in my mouth. You know, you get partially excited about an honest truth you realized and while expressing it you didn't think through the ramifications of the words. The person you are speaking to, and how those words might affect them and their well being. 

It definitely wasn't intentional. It definitely wasn't something that I even described accurately or with any forethought. The words came tumbling out and foot immediately went in mouth as soon as I had hit send. 

I am proud of how I managed to handle that situation. It wasn't necessarily my fault but the thing is I caused my friend to have a moment of being triggered because I put her in a terrible position that she had endured in her past. The thing was I didn't know all of the specifics but I damn well knew enough to understand what kind of impact my words would have with her. 

The thing is just because you have some information, just because you could say something doesnt always means you should. There is such a thing as tact, and wisdom when approaching situations. 

After these interactions I had to look at myself. I had to do some evaluating. I had to be honest with myself. The issue is that my honesty within myself is based off of incomplete knowledge. 

I found something out when discussing a few things with my ex. These weren't unknown to me but I have a drastically different understanding of the situation now than I did months ago. 

The thing is I have been ashamed of my past. I have struggled with my mistakes. I feel as if I fumble over them, but yet I don't want to continue making the same mistakes. How do you prevent that? How do you actually make change in your life? 

I believe knowledge is a great first step. 

Take part of my interaction with my ex. I had control over the finances, I had control over the money she spent, and she had to request me to add something to the cart. I did all I could to be who I could for her but the funny part is through out our relationship she wasn't looking for a Master she was looking for a partner. She wanted someone who could equally share within the dynamic. At that point in my life I wasn't looking to share. I wanted everything. I wanted full authority. What I now realize that I didn't at the time was my desire to have a lifestyle within BDSM. I want to operate within this lifestyle non stop. I desire to have someone submit fully to me. To trust in me, to have faith in my ability. I desire to own someone. That is apart of me, that is within my essence as someone. The thing is months ago before I even really understood bdsm (not saying I do now, but I have a much more solid grasp of the concept now) I couldn't even acknowledge my desires for what they were. The thing is throughout my relationship with my ex I did not handle situations appropriately. I put my foot in my mouth more times than I ever could have hoped to. But I had very little understanding of what I was trying to do. In some small ways I understood what I wanted, but I lacked the ability, the knowledge, the self mastery to even approach that situation. I didn't have self awareness. I lacked so many critical tools within my tool belt that led me to failure within that dynamic. The thing is I was a fledgling then. Barely scraping the surface, feeling an intense connection to all of these emotions and intense experiences but I couldn't break through that bubble. 

It wasn't until I found this website and began speaking with people. Finding mentors and friends who understand the lifestyle. Who understand what it is to be a work in progress and accept that that's okay. To accept these desires that I literally felt like I should hate for being within me. Because my father told me that these are things to hate, these desires are not wholesome. They are NOT right and I am a terrible human for wanting these things. I felt so much self loathing. I felt an intense self hatred. I mean I had problems left and right. The biggest issue was that I was completely unaware of my issues, I didn't accept or look at them. I pushed them down and let everything eat away at myself. I was rotting myself from the inside out. I was poisoning myself from within. 

The thing is I wasn't a dominant when I was with my ex. I wasn't capable of being the necessary partner that she was looking for. At that time. 

The thing is people shift, our emotions fluctuate. We experience new ideas and it changes how we see the world. We evolve. We have the potential to become better. 

I believe I have. In many many ways. I know I have. I'm not even the same man I was a short time ago. I am evolving. I am accepting myself more and learning how to become responsible for my home, myself, my property and my wealth. I am learning to take ownership. Ownership over my past and current actions. Ownership over my household. Ownership over the lives I'm responsible for in my life. Do I still have massive room for improvement??? Hell yes I do. I won't ever be able to stop growing, because if I stop then I become stagnant and boring. 

The thing is I've spoken about being a switch, and finding new sides of myself. I found a little side that I had never known about for 29 years. The question that I had really struggled with was how do I balance all these sides of me? What is necessary and important in my life? What do I need to address to take care of myself? 

Part of that is having a place where I can exhibit control. Where I have dominion over my space. Where I am Master over myself and those within my dominion. I desire to have control and be in control. I desire to have someone trust in me, believe in me, to have faith that I am capable. That I am looking out for the best interests of all involved not just my own personal selfish desires. Am I truly there yet? That is a very tough answer because part of the experience is taking it beyond the theoretical knowledge and into the practical area. 

When I began I had no theoretical understanding of this lifestyle. At this point I wouldn't quite classify myself as a novice but I really couldn't say I have much more understanding than just that. My practical abilities are even further behind my theoretical understanding. I can confidently say "I am still a junior dominant" but I have grown a tremendous amount and no longer flounder like that fledgling I was. 

So in some ways I have figured out this dominant side of myself. The thing that I have run into a bit of an issue is this. If I desire to be dominant, to create an m/s type relationship will that satisfy all of my desire? What about the fact that I'm a switch? What about the fact that I have fantasies about my Mommy? 

The thing is I can't be monogamous and be able to eat my cake and have it too. Because if I am monogamous then will I feel as if I'm leaving part of myself behind? Is it possible to be a switch and exist within an m/s type dynamic? Honestly I don't see how that really works because those two things are diametrically opposed to one another. At least in my head. Perhaps, you think a different way and if so I would be very interested in having a conversation. 

So part of all of this was leading myself to feel lost within me. Who am I? What do I need? What is important to me within my life? What is the way I see my future? How can I balance everything within myself so that I am happy with me? 

The more I look at it, the only true way to be happy with myself is if I allow myself the opportunity to experience what I need. At this point I still can't say for certain one way or the other if I'm polyamorous because I need to experience the lifestyle. I need to interact and gain the practical side of experience. 

The thing is I am content with the knowledge I've gained so far. That being said obtaining knowledge is a worthwhile endeavour and I hope to seek out all that I can know. The search will never stop but I'm realizing that I need to have my practical experience catch up in some ways to my theoretical experience. 

The thing is it's a scary to say "This is me". It can be uplifting, it can be freeing, but there is also a sense of terror within you. What if I'm not accepted for who I am? What if someone wants to make fun of me or put me down or just downright disagrees with my beliefs? The thing is you have to show up authentically. To all of those around you. If you put on a mask and pretend to be what you imagine that other person wants you will spend your entire relationship failing, not living up to their expectations. 

We can't allow that to happen. 

Here's why. 

When you show up authentically without a mask on. Those people who see you. Those people that have spent time getting to know you will be able to make a judgement that best aligns with their beliefs. Because if you say for example, "Oh I'm monogamous" when really you are poly you will never feel comfortable because you will be lying. You will be hiding. You will be tricking that person into a dynamic based on a broken foundation. 

I did this to my ex. Not in this way, but because I cheated on her. Before we even had a chance to begin I defiled all of the trust and the entire foundation of our relationship, that which was completely built upon was false. When my ex looked at the situation and realized her love for me was based on false information all of the emotion and feeling and love she had for me fell away. It disappeared like nothing, and vanished into the universe. Because I lied, because I hid. Because I was scared to be authentic and myself. 

I have learned my lessons. I have put work into myself. I have a much better understanding of what is required of me. I have driven forward, and put energy into changing the lying version of me. I have put effort into mastering myself. Learning that emotions and feelings are valid but not true. They need to be felt but not treated as truth. The thing is I've learned so many things about myself, and I never would have had this type of understanding if I never would have stepped into this world.

Part of my life I felt like I told myself "No, don't do that, don't be that, stop doing this" I had a very negative view of myself in every situation. The thing is hating myself less, and accepting who I am really has helped me move forward. 

I will struggle and by golly I will downright fail somedays. But I refuse to let defeat rule my life. I can and will be better for those that matter in my life. I don't want to bring hurt and harm into anyone's space, and I feel very low when I manage through my actions to cause someone harm. The thing is you have to recognize your intention. Did you mean to hurt that person with those words you said? If yes, you need to stop immediately and determine why that is. Why do you want to hurt someone? If that is in fact the case then you need to be able to explain why, in a clear and concise way. So you can express to the person across from you why you are the way you are. Why you need this. Why it's important to you. The thing is though when you express yourself openly as much as it may hurt to get "shot down" it's ultimately the best thing regardless of how hard that moment and feeling is. That swell of emotion. 

Because it gives everyone the opportunity to evaluate you, and compare how they see YOU, authentically. They can say well I'm not a masochist so thanks but I'm not into being hurt. You were given the chance to be honest and honestly that person that you have spent months getting to know you find out that there is a deal breaker and that ultimately you may not be more than friends. You might not be the perfect partner you are imagining them to be. And how will you ever know that honestly if you don't show up openly? Will it hurt? YES!!!! If it doesn't you might be an unfeeling robot. Because you spent time cultivating a very special interaction. You devoted your time and energy into seeing the other person, it's impossible to disconnect and not feel *something*. But in the long run it will be better because despite all those amazing ideas you have they are based on the fact you might have completely different belief systems, which will cause issues and severe problems in the dynamic. 

I smoke cannabis, and that in itself could be a deal breaker for some. Drugs and alcohol are very big issues for some people. There are those that might take issue with my consistent drug use. But I can't hide that side of who I am, because it is apart of me. If I were to hide my drug use and find out my partner has past issues of substance abuse then I could be putting them in a position to relapse and cause all sorts of harm. Having open and honest and lengthy discussions over your deal breakers, what you hold dear to you as immutable morals and beliefs need to be expressed clearly. But before they can be expressed clearly they must be understood. 

Is it terrifying to say yes I think I may more likely be poly? In many ways yes because those that are monogamous may lose all interest. The thing is though wouldn't being within a dynamic where those Involved sacrifice their absolute morals and beliefs be a form of making that person give up on who they are? Wouldn't that be forcing them to be someone they aren't? 

People will always say though, "Oh but I love you so it's okay". But does that cause stress in your life? Does it cause you to hate who you are because you decided to give up your morals and what you hold dear to yourself? Will you push that feeling down and cause yourself to feel rotten from the inside while you try to make this dynamic work because you love each other? 

It's hard. It's sad. It hurts like a mother fucker when someone says "I don't think we are a match", but if it was because you closely examined your behaviours, your beliefs and compared them. You saw a difference and cause that would create a chasm between you. You have to acknowledge that perhaps for all the ways you connect and how well you fit, there is a slight chance this dynamic could be wrong in very significant ways. 

The problem though is when you also haven't had an open and fully honest conversation. It's also how you approach and bring up the ideas. You could take the one approach of not thinking clearly and jamming your foot into your mouth. This might cause unwanted harm and emotions that you didn't expect to erupt within this person you deeply care for. 

Or you can think, and see yourself. 

Take a deep breath and say "This is me, and this is what I need". Then you have to wait. You wait and see, give the other person time to think through carefully their options. What is best for them? How will your truth interact with their beliefs? Is it possible? Is there even any chance at all? 

Once you have this conversation though you have to be prepared for any answer. Yes, you hope desperately they will see you and accept you. But you have to hold your breath and allow them space to be honest just as you have been. You also have to be willing to accept their honesty. Even if they realize "I'm monogamous and I can't be with someone who is poly". That is a fair interaction, so long as each side has been honest about themselves and their needs. Because I believe if your needs do not align then the chance of a successful dynamic is shot. You can't give something to someone when it goes against your entire belief system. And if you do you are sacrificing everything about yourself. Either you give in and give up what's important to yourself harming yourself in the process or you go on existing missing a critical part of who you are.  Either way that dynamic as much as you desire it to be complete and whole will not be. Because the foundation wasn't set properly. 

So my suggestion to everyone here today is take some time and sit with yourself. Get to know who you are, and if you find an area lacking ask yourself why? Why is that important what was the significance of it? Why does it matter and what does that say about you? 

Remember though in this moment you have to be objective about yourself. Because I've tried to see myself authentically but when those voices, monkeys, demons, that self doubt that permeates me begin to talk instead of *myself* the view is skewed. It's only the bad you see, it's all the mistakes. This mishaps. The anger and insufficient lack of talent. The inability. The self doubt. It's the ways you have failed and the voices that keep telling you "You are no different" "You haven't changed" "You are still incapable" "You are small" "You are weak" "You are nothing". These voices lie. As hard as it is to accept that, it's not the truth despite how you fool yourself into believing them. 

I don't want to fool myself. I don't want to hide myself. I don't want to allow my past mistakes to be repeated. 

I want to be the best man possible, I am rare and precious. Unique and special. Wonderful and talented. I am capable, and one day I will prove that to myself. 

Also! I was fooling around with my beatbox yesterday and wanted to write a blog but couldn't find a title or the words yesterday. So I am going to add yesterdays beatbox to this blog. 

Hope you enjoy the weirdness that is me. 

Have an amazing day, I pray that things will work themselves out exactly as they need to occur within your life. 

Well hello again friends,

First a disclaimer:

*Cannabis was used in the making of this blog

I took some time today to sit in darkness to try and find my sound that I can create. I have begun to hear from a friend that I should look into voice acting. So in an effort to get over the idea of fear stopping me I have recorded myself and hope to continue to make one each day especially as I have the beginning of my glorious 8 day weekend. 

This can be time to be productive as I currently have nothing planned, but I'm just going to see where things take me. Most likely around my house to take care of the things that require my attention. 

Eight days is enough time to organize and get things sorted in my life because it has been tumultuous.

As much as I see tremendous growth in my personal life I currently am weighed down with crushing debt, and it very likely will change the landscape of my future. I still haven't had a chance to find out exactly what will happen but that's because I've been finding ways to make myself fail. 

I sabotage myself when I choose not to believe in my ability. 

Now that we are caught up just a tiny bit with my personal life, the reason I actually decided to write this thing.

Space. 

So there are a fair few definitions based upon this word but the way I want to direct your attention is summarized best with this definition:

5. The freedom and scope to live, think, and develop in a way that suits one.
"a teenager needing her own space"

The thing is people live busy lives. Each one of us has our own way of handling life. We all see things differently even to the way we interact with our bodies and those around us. 

I want to touch on the idea that sometimes people need time and area to themselves. 

My ex is currently my roommate for a short duration, although because of aforementioned financial situation my living situation could very well drastically be changing. Which would throw everything into a bit of insanity. I'm trying my best, but organizing and planning are not my personal strong suits. I'm very weak in this area. 

The thing is she has a date tonight, and is spending the night out. This gives me my entire house back. And which is why in part I also felt comfortable recording myself tonight because I was alone. 

Which leads me into this whole idea and concept of space and why it's important. 

*Oh man, when you completely forget where you are in your house because you are so engrossed in what you are doing. Plus it's really dark outside and the light from my phone blinds me a bit to my surroundings* 

(I was standing in my kitchen but when I looked up from my phone I was disoriented about my location in my house) 

Sometimes you need your own area. There are moments when perhaps life is coming at you because a close family member was injured while working. Or you might be losing your house. Things go sideways all the time. It takes focus and attention to remain on course. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone to add value to their life is to simple let space exist. Room for the other person to handle what is in front of them. Space for them to handle a hard day because they won't be able to communicate and it will be more of a burden than a benefit. 

The thing is there are all sorts of reasons to need space. But you have to understand when to give it, and when you need it yourself. 

I always seek to add value to those I interact with. It doesn't matter in what way that looks like. So if I can add value by respecting your space, and giving you the area you need to operate and handle your business. Because guess what? I have my own mess to attend to. I need to remain focused on my peril, because that is immediately important to ME. 

So with this time I hope to not only still give you the warm comfort of my embrace when you request it but the space you need outside of our interaction. 

I just need to ensure that I properly utilize my time when allowing space so that I can be benefiting my own life by adding value to me. Taking care of the responsibility of my life, and taking ownership of my responsibility. 

The thing is action is required to fulfill these words. And at this point words are meaningless. It requires action. Whether that action is stepping back and allowing space, or handling yo shit, or however that might look. 

But space is essential. It's very important within an interaction. 

Just some sentiment I wished to convey this evening.

Be well. 

Hello once again friends,

I hope you all are well today. So I'm not going to lie I have felt a little defeated over the past few days. Well spots and moments where I felt defeated. 

I even attempted to write a blog a few days ago and when I was about halfway done expressing myself I checked one thing on my phone and lost all my progress. It was a blog that was close to my heart and I put so much energy into writing it. I was exceptionally happy with what I had expressed and all of the thoughts and emotions I was trying to impart. When that blog entered the abyss I said "Fuck this, I am not going to try and repeat that glorious formation of words because I won't be able to remember everything I said." I had tentative plans to write another blog later that night which never occured and here we are days after the fact finally sitting down to write out another attempt. Hopefully I can make it all the way through on this one. Else it might be another week before I post again.... 

I've had so many ideas and thoughts that have passed through my noodle, each one of "Oh man, I need to write about this" but eventually I get distracted by my day and the thought slips away. Usually not to return. 

This thought process today has stuck with me and continued to revolve and rotate and transform while rolling around my brain space. 

So let's begin, shall we? 

The initial thought began with reading a blog of a Dom that I'd never bothered reading before. I saw the title and had interest and clicked on the blog. The cliff notes for the blog were as follows:

1) How do you know you've found the one? 

2) You get along great, things are amazing and then suddenly it fizzles out or after years of being together suddenly it seems like there isn't anything else to be gained.

He made mention that he had found love, it was reciprocated and yet even then in that situation where your kinks align and you love each other but yet somehow it all ends up crashing and burning. It didn't end where he thought and she wasn't "The One". 

Of a few more blogs Ive read it seems that this has been a theme. 

People pointing out how do you even manage telling someone after you've spent years getting to know them that this dynamic just isn't quite what you need or are looking for? 

Now, I'm going to put words on this "paper". Please feel free to disagree or be pissed off. This is just my thoughts and opinions on the matter based on my life experiences and what I have seen. If this bothers you then that's okay, I can't change you. But perhaps you might want to evaluate why this is sticking in your craw that you can't close your mouth. 

Soap. (I use this instead of so from time to time) 

I'm in a very different place and have had a few interactions that have shifted my views on the matter of relationship, friendship, marriage and the communing of souls. 

Yes I do believe that there is someone out there that was meant and made for you. I do believe in the concept of "The One" but I've also read blogs in which they have broached this subject and found out that your soulmate or however you would like to describe this person is not actually the best fit for a relationship. Who knows whether that's actually true or not, and to be honest I don't think it particularly matters at all. 

Why doesn't it matter? 

Because of my perspective. I am extremely blessed and fortunate and I have been given much in my life. To be honest if I didn't have the support of my friends, family and just random people that I sometimes have barely known I would not be where I am today. From the property I live in, to the way I process information. 

Allow me to be clear though, just because I've had help does not mean I've sat on my ass and done NOTHING. I  used to. I used to procrastinate and push all of the necessary and important things in my life to the side because I had no love for myself and could not find the motivation to do this for *ME*. I'm changing that about myself slowly and it's really hard. I see myself falter more times than I care, and it stings everytime. Why can't I just be all the things I need to? Why can't I just be exactly who I desire? But it's a path, a journey, an adventure. It takes steps and you have to take time to allow yourself a 180 and look back and realize "Yes, I'm not where I want to be, but look how far I have managed to make it so far. And I'm not done yet". 

I've even taken some very very good advice and realized when I've not been applying it to my own life. 

"You must meet the minimum of your own requirements" this has been some of the best advice Ive gotten. It's about being accountable and taking command of your own life and handling what you need to. It's about acting with integrity and honour and being able to say "I've set these rules in place and *I* follow them, my expectation is that you will follow them as well". 

So let's take this and realize what that means for me. 

When I speak with my friends and communicate to them one of the things I say all the time is "Don't worry, focus on what's in front of you. I'm a conversation over the internet and ultimately I can't help or change much about your situation. If your kid is crying you have to attend that, if your dog needs a walk that takes priority, your life around you is more significant than a conversation with me" Here's the thing though, I've fallen into the trap of not recognizing and taking care of what's DIRECTLY in front of me. I say to everyone else don't worry and deal with what's in front of you and yet I can fail in that way myself. I'm not holding to my own requirements. But I'm learning. 

I even had a moment where I was supposed to meet up with a friend. She was extremely busy and missed our meetup time. She was a little bit late. When we began the conversation she immediately apologized and I nearly fell back into my old habits. The thing is this. I was deserved an apology. My tendency was to always say to her "You don't have to apologize, you have a busy life going on". But we had already pressed our meeting time back and she was still late. If I ever show up to an event, a meeting, a promise to a friend that I say goodnight or that I will show up on time and I'm late, I WILL APOLOGIZE PROFUSELY. I don't like to be late for things, I believe that punctuality is important even though I don't manage my time as well as I should. (Room for improvement) The important thing was though for once in my life, I didn't make excuses for her being late. I didn't say "Don't apologize" because if it were me? If I had shown up late I would be expressing my remorse for not making it on time. So I instead of brushing it under the rug and saying it didn't matter I finally changed my answer. I accepted her apology and thanked her for still making it. I admitted to myself that I was owed an apology and that if I brushed it under the rug I was actually doing a disservice to my friend. 

Part of this lifestyle is being held accountable. I mean punishment is a way to atone for your misdeeds. It's literally a huge part of the whole dynamic. And part of the fun. 

The most important part though is being able to acknowledge and accept that "If this is a standard I would hold to myself, then I must hold it for other people". If I would apologize for my tardiness, then so should someone else when they "waste" my time. In this example I didn't actually consider me waiting for her a waste of my time, because I was excited for us to interact. Especially since we have begun story time and are reading a book together!! I look forward to this moment when we can find time together to read a story and a book series that she hasn't finished. 

Okay, so relationships. I actually almost don't enjoy that term because relationships are pressure. They are drama and intensity. Not saying that's a bad thing, but emotions run extremely high and can cause all sorts of pain and hurt. But pain and hurt exist each day within all aspects of our life. It's a constant and can't be avoided. 

I have spent 1/3 of my lifetime with a single person that I was with for 10 years. All of my adult life up until around 7 months ago I was with the exact same person. We had fights, and pain. I caused her damage and hurt her. She caused me pain sometimes and left me feeling really shitty somedays. Since our separation and subsequent work on mentality we have rekindled our friendship and are better friends now than we ever have been. 

Here's my point. 

My interaction with my now ex, is better than it ever has been. Why? Because I've first approached her and all of the interactions and friendships in my life with brutal honesty. 

I am doing everything in my power to live with integrity, and part of that is allowing all those I choose to interact with in significant ways that they be allowed to know what is going on with me and my other interactions. This alone has FREED me. I don't have to hide who I am, or what I've done because everyone knows where I'm at. I mean yes, have I faltered and made mistakes?

DAILY!!!! 

I have missed opportunities in some cases to be completely forthright, but I have done the hard work and presented myself before them saying "I messed up". 

The thing is I do not want drama in my life. I want to live simply. That doesn't mean things won't be complicated and messy, but I want to sort and organize that mess so that it holds some form outside of pure chaos. 

So this idea of "The One". I believe in it, and I believe that I have also managed to find someone who completely embodies my physical desires. She was made for me. I do believe that, and as we are interacting we are finding out more about ourselves. We have had chances to explore and come to terms with who we are. And found that it's an extremely close and insane connection that we both have to each other. Currently we are friends with benefits and nothing more. 

So here comes this whole idea that I have been ruminating on for the past few days. 

Why does it matter if you have found The One? What about that interaction is different than others? What is it you are searching for and does the other person fit into that? 

The thing is though you have to break down your interactions into "Does this have value". I am beginning to explore new avenues of myself. Because of my interaction with my friend. That has value to me. 

When I can help change the way someone views their world or speaks to others because I impacted their life. That has value to me. 

When I can offer a unique and special variation to maybe something you've already tried, but I did it in my own way that can't be replicated by ANYONE else. That has value to me. 

So why are we so hung up on finding the perfect person we will spend the rest of our days with? 

I mean I have many perfect people in my life. Each one adds value to me, in their own unique and special way. The thing is I desire for them to remain in my life for the rest of my life. I don't care if I call them friends, roommates, lovers, my wife, my sub, my girl. It doesn't matter. What matters is that they remain in my life. 

So how do I go about accomplishing that? 

I can't. 

My wife was going to be mine for the rest of my life, oh wait.... That didn't happen. I had it all planned out and surprise surprise the way life twisted I wound up alone. 

But I'm not alone.

Now I have more impactful, deep and meaningful interactions with many people that I call friends, acquaintances and other varying titles. So does the title really matter? I'm certain for some it does, but for right now in my life the titles don't actually make a difference. The difference is in whether or not there is value to your interaction. I have found by breaking down my relationships into this more simplified formula that it has offered me a greater amount of freedom to be myself. To add value to those around me and gain value and search out the value from the interactions I've manifested. 

Now, if I may take you even further into the rabbit hole. 

I have 2 friends of which both have a significant and deep importance to my life.

Why were these 2 individuals people that pulled me to them? What was it about these interactions that I felt connected to? 

Well let's start with something very simple. Friend A and I were speaking. It was a very interesting conversation and while we were chatting I asked her a question. The funny part? When she answered her answer as much as it answered my initial question, actually had very little to do with that. The real question she answered was the first off my vetting list. And holy fuck did she answer it. Not only was her answer one of my deepest desires wrapped up in her own words, the extent to which she explained. Offered brutal and revealing honesty into her mind, her process, HER deep and real desires. In that moment I felt an immediate connection, I felt like we were made for each other. And as we have continued our interactions that feeling from my side has only grown. She embodies my desire, holds space for me every which way she can. She holds me accountable, she pushes me when I need a shove, she doesn't allow me to wallow in my own self pity. She makes me a better man. Quite simply she is stunning. She offers me immense value and each interaction whether it's understanding she has needs and desires that I cannot help her with and only tease her more, and accepting that I cannot do much of anything for her. So allowing her the opportunity (and when I say "allow" she asks my opinion and I offer it to her) I'm not saying she can or can't, because that's not my place. I'm not her dom, I'm not her sub. I'm not anything other than someone who has added value to my life because of my interaction with her. So why should I hold her back? Why should I restrict her when I have no control over her? That isn't fair of me, especially since I can't offer to satisfy her physical needs when I'm across the continent from her. So she has every right as a single female to approach any person she wishes, she can interact anyway she wishes, and she can be freely and wholly herself. The best part? She allows me the same courtesy and opportunities. She doesn't restrict me, she allows space for me in all the ways I need it. I make her laugh, and I bring joy to her life. She does the same for me. She is someone who I desire to have in the rest of my life, now the question remains how do I ensure that she stays apart of my life as long as possible. I believe the answer to that is remaining open and honest. To not place expectations around the interaction. To allow value to simply be that value. If it ever occurs that there is nothing gained from our interaction then we will have to walk that path when we get to it. I hope that never occurs. I hope we can remain in each others lives but I've also come to the understanding that we all change. What we need, how we see the world. If a dramatic shift occurs you have to deal with it immediately. You have to be prepared to bring brutal and radical honesty to the situation. This doesn't mean it won't hurt, and that you will be free from pain. If this person matters to you then separating from them will feel like ripping half of you away from yourself. It will hurt. There is no escaping that. But it's what you do with that pain. Do you wallow? Do you hide yourself away? Or do you do the hard work? Put effort into improving yourself? 

Maybe I have a very skewed view of the situation but I have managed to reclaim past relationships through hard work. I have done it and so I can say it is possible. So what does that mean for the relationship with "The One" that broke down? If it does occur I am optimistic that I will be able to retain her friendship in a way that adds value to my life. Because so long as there is value in the interaction whether it's a tiny small iota, or an ocean that fills you to bursting value is value. 

So let's jump into another example. Friend B and I have been getting to know each other much better over these last few months. This is actually one space where value for values sake has extreme importance. 

Why?

Because for reasons that don't actually matter to the relevance of this blog, I won't be able to make her acquaintance for 10+ years. Her situation is such that we won't have a chance to meet in person for a very long time. Of course you can't know how everything will turn out, which is why this idea that value has value is a necessity. If it does occur that I don't have a chance to physically see her in over a decade then what are the chances we actually meet in person? I'm a radically different person than I was 5 months ago, so how in 10 years time can I plan to meet with this person? I believe in taking it one day at a time. Because she has added immense value to my life. Every interaction she has shown me what it means to be capable. She has taken the time to hold space and allows me to be comfortably me. There is no expectation of how I need to be or should act. She has aligned herself and shown me parts of who she is, the depths and deep dark spaces that very few people know. That is intimate. That is special. That is value. She is someone who has looked after my injuries from across the world, and given me practical advice that I was able to implement regardless of our distance to help myself feel and be better. She even managed with an off hand comment of my own to diagnose my friend who she knew nothing about except the tiny bit of information I gave her. That is value. We have had a very interesting series of interactions when we first began talking, and yet despite how well we were aligned it was not in the cards for us to continue talking, and I was actually banned from speaking with her in private messages. 

*SIDE NOTE* 

If you approach someone who is protected ensure you take the time to ask their protector for permission to speak with them. It's the same thing as asking a Dom if it's okay to speak with their sub. We have rules in place for those people's protection, and you need to abide by the decision made and honour that decision because it's made with the person's best interests in mind. 

Despite the bumps, I looked at myself and did an evaluation. I noticed where I fell short and made adjustments. Since those adjustments I've been able to reconnect and interact in ways I never expected. The value I've recieved has been stupendous since we were able to reconnect and it's only grown from there. 

I have been extremely fortunate to be a blessing in people's lives, and with those I interact with having been told "I have changed how I see this, or how I speak in this situation because of you." I know this isn't a one sided me receiving value. I give back as much as I get, and I hope that I return more than I receive. Because I want to add abundance into your life. I want to bring as much value into the interactions that have become commonplace to me. But I don't want any moment to be common. 

Repetition and routine is very much apart of this lifestyle but I know for my personal experience repetition can become boring. It can become dull and drab and hard to continue on in. So a very critical point that I feel must be made is about bringing intention behind every action. 

What's the difference between showering and actually taking the time to appreciate yourself through cleaning? 

I can shower in 10 minutes. If I rush everything and go about it as quickly as possible. Sometimes if I'm really in a hurry it can be done in 5. But is that really showing appreciation for yourself? Honouring yourself? Not really, you are rushing past to get this task/chore/work done. 

What about when you hold space for yourself? You intentionally imagine yourself relaxing? Allowing a few minutes to just enjoy the water cascade down on you? To massage your sore muscles prior to scrubbing your body or while you scrub yourself clean? There is a massive difference between the time it takes to get through the task and intentionally go through that task. I can take up to an hour when I intentionally show myself appreciation while I'm showering. 

So for me, when I create simple little routines it's not just about accomplishing them. It's about remaining diligent. Remaining true to the intention behind the act. Allowing to focus on the intention behind the 1000th time I've already gone over and done this. Because that intention turns this everyday mundane task into something more. Something with meaning. Something with purpose. 

So how do you know if you can find someone who will forever remain in your life? 

Well I hold no expectations. 

I look for value, that I may offer it and that I may receive it. 

I act with intention, even if I don't know what I'm doing. 

I educate myself, so those instances where I don't know what I'm doing are few and far between. 

I think part of the issue is that you expect someone who will be in your life for the entire duration to be someone significant like your wife/sub. The thing is what if they were just your friend? What if it never went beyond friendship? But there was still value? There was still hints of the lifestyle because you can simply ask them to fill up your vape while you are on the way home so that it's ready for you the minute you walk through the door? Like having a glass of your favourite whiskey ready for you so you can sit and relax after a hard day of work? 

Why does the title matter? Why isn't value for values sake enough? 

I mean we all want that special person to enter our life, and we find them all over the place. But when you do find them how do you ensure they remain in your life? I believe your actions will determine that. I mean maybe the universe will have its say as well and put roadblocks in your way. But perhaps those roadblocks are there for a reason and it's not quite the right time for you to interact with that person because you have work on yourself to do. I mean we have no idea how or why certain things occur, but when you take the ego out of it and allow life to exist. To just be yourself and see where things go. All the while trying your best to be the best version of yourself and putting in the work where you see your own shortcomings. Or if you have someone brave enough to point it out to you, don't allow anger and emotion to overwhelm you. Sure take your time feel the loss, that sense of "Fuck I wish I was more or better" then do the hard work. Evaluate and take the time to say "Why do you view me that way, is there honesty in it?" More often than not those people are telling you this because they see a pattern in your behaviour and believe you can be better. Of course you need to be conscious that some people are assholes and have no reason other than putting you down makes them feel better. Which is why asking the question of "Is this honest" can be instrumental in realizing when someone is projecting their own shit onto you, or if they actually see a shortcoming you haven't yet recognized. 

But you have to use your best judgement, and allow space for whatever opportunities arise within your life. 

I have no idea if the friendships I've cultivated will remain in my life for the duration, but I know I can have a hand in trying my best to ensure they remain there. 

I hope you all have a wonderful day and find value in my words. 

SUPER IMPORTANT PIECE I FORGOT TO MENTION.

Yeah so all of this is great and awesome but I forgot to add one little tidbit. 

No one can make you happy. 

You must be able to be happy within yourself. To bring your own version of joy, and happiness because no one in life can make you happy. It must already exist within you. 

If you are searching for someone else to bring you joy and lift up your life then you are asking them to do everything for you and the minute you are away from them everything will be dismal, dark and horrendous. You need to be able to sing in the sunshine by yourself. To experience joy and light and laughter on your own. 

No one else can manage this for you. 

You must bring your own happiness to any interaction.

Yeah totally forgot to mention this and had to edit the post because it's only *SLIGHTLY* important. Oh did I say slightly? Yeah I meant *MASSIVELY* IMPORTANT!!!! 

Anyways, have a grand day. 

Well hello again friends,

I need to make a disclaimer that cannabis is being consumed while writing this blog. 

Now today has been a tremendous day for a lot of good reasons. I'm going to share a part of my day, and thought process and I hope that you can begin to understand. 

So I just had the thought mere minutes ago that I am at a point where I am really happy where I'm at. I feel less new, and I'm beginning to grasp my sense and style to BDSM. 

I just had an experience with a friend. It was monumental because I realized a critical part of who I am. 

I have a sub little side. 

I will explain in a moment, but let's leave that right there for now. 

Part of all of this, is that I'm realizing I've done work. I've busted my ass, and as such I have managed to improve my relationship with my ex. I have seen improvements everywhere in my life, all at my own hand. My motivation and my effort. 

Which could not have been achieved either of I did not have the support of another friend. 

I have been blessed with two phenomenal people who have helped me grow in tremendous ways. They will be lifelong friends and I only hope to grow my friendship with each of these people. I need to acknowledge the support I have had because I have never gotten anywhere on my own. I've always had some help whether that was my family, my wife(now ex), or my friends. 

Through all of this I had the realization tonight that I have reached a level where I'm satisfied with my basic understanding of the game of BDSM. I have achieved a class upgrade. 

See I figured that I had reached in some ways the end. It felt like things were clicking and they are because I allow them to. The thing is it was the end of training. The rookie class. The beginner mode. The hey let's get introduced to this insane new idea that literally has changed your whole life, in so many positive ways. 

So now that I understand the basics, I get to do the fun part. I get to explore my desire. I get to understand what and who makes me. 

I have had quite a lot of outstanding interactions with females today. And all in the absolute most positive ways. 

*All names have been changed to protect identities, I do not have consent to share their names*

So today I had to go see my chiropractor. I am now almost finished my treatment (although I have not been extremely consistent with my exercises, but I do include them in my workouts from time to time) which would help me get through my last few treatments, but the thing about the chiropractor is the receptionist. She is attractive, and we have had plenty of enjoyable conversations about all sorts of things. The last visit I had been there it was extremely chaotic and Karen had a lot to handle. She had 2 calls coming in, a person in front of her and the Dr, was asking her a question from down the hall. So after I had paid I said a quick "Goodbye" slipped out of the door and hoped it would be less busy next time. 

Next time:

Which happened to be today. There was no one in the room. It was just us, so I got a chance to ask her about her trip to Fernie in British Columbia, the province to the west. She showed me some photos of the lakes, mountain, waterfalls and all sorts of photos. We had a really outstanding conversation that was just positive. Plus I got to ask about her birthday which happened to coincide for her trip. She even reminded me what day it was. I had already paid for my appointment, so there was no point technically for me to stick around well except that I was in the middle my work day. Luckily we only had filler work to do, so I wasn't neglecting my job technically. Anyways, after the conversation when I stepped outside to melt for us it was 35 C. We don't usually get much past 30 C so this is murder for me, and I don't generally handle heat super well. While I was outside the thought passed through my head "I want to leave her my number, and if she decides to call or text me it's her choice" So when I am finished with all of my treatments I am going to ask her if she would like my number. Then she can decide if she would want to get in touch with me. Honestly I think you're an idiot if you ask a girl for her number. You never know if she could give you a fake number. I mean unless you enjoy the element of surprised when you find out she is a Chinese food buffet place. See the thing is I know my phone number. I know I probably won't get it wrong unless I'm crazy nervous, so at least the information is correct. Unless she has her number blocked as soon as she decides to text or call you, you have her number. 

Anyways, I think I'm on the right track and that's all that fucking matters. 

I also encountered one of the leaders that works on the same floor that the general trouble office is. I had a great conversation with her about a part of the situation that I have experienced over the last few months. I didn't bring up anything actually relating to BDSM, but I just talked about the fact that I was able to play with my dogs outside in my backyard because I managed to clean up all of the dog poop and mowed the yard. I turned it from a jungle into usable space. Which I used. And took advantage of. I plan to try and continue that behavior, and develop how I interact with my dogs because I can be a very poor owner. It's an area that needs significant improvement. Which will become a focus now that I have a space to work with them. So long as I continue to keep my yard in usable shape. 

I also found out that Samantha had kids, and is most likely married. The thing is I haven't asked any of the women I've interacted with what their relationship status is. 

So I have no idea, but I will say Samantha had a number of rings on her fingers which included something on the ring finger. While Karen did not. I'm not reading into anything but I'm guessing Samantha is married while Karen might be available. 

But I'm no Sherlock Holmes. 

The thing is it didn't stop there, I got picked up by my ex after work because she needed to borrow the car. 

We had some errands to run, and stopped by Costco for some items and fuel. Lowe's for some paint and brushes. 

In Costco, (I freaking love Costco) the mask hander outers and door guard were both women, and it was nice to be very friendly. Saying hello and wishing them a good day. 

Even the lady who helped me in the checkout lane, she scanned my two boxes of kitty litter so I didn't have to lift them up. I was very gracious. 

Even in Lowe's with the person who helped ring us through the self check out isle, which is funny. We went there not to have to interact with people and did anyways. Well I think it was more so self checkouts tend to go quicker. 

There were just an abundant amount of positive interactions. 

Which leads us up to the moment we've had to wait for. Tension has built and now we can finally get the sweet release we NEED. 

My friend who is outstanding, have begun to make arrangements in meeting. Part of planning is setting a realistic time which could be October. If everything works out. But questions need to be answered before decisions can be made. So we have to wait, but while we were discussing part of the itinerary it was brought up that since it was October we could do one of the scary haunted houses they do. So yeah, I'm not huge into scary. I would let my ex watch pretty much 1 scary movie a year with me. Maybe 2 if she got really lucky. But horror hasn't ever really been my genre. 

During our conversation it was brought up that the actors in the haunted houses are not allowed to touch you, and if they do you are entitled to touch them back. In a forceful manner. It was interesting because when she acknowledged herself as "Mommy will come protect you" it set off something inside of me. 

That part of me that just wanted to be protected, loved and looked after. To be seen and cared for with a mother's love. 

I even mentioned how when I found out how much of a badass my Mommy was, that I was going to cause all sorts of mayhem and make her beat up everyone. In which she replied with "In which case, I would have to take you home and punish you for the rest of the night." She said it in a playful manner, but there was sinister intention behind those words. 

I told her "It would be well earned, I would need to be punished for acting out".

That's pretty much as far as we got when she had to go do work things and I was in the process of setting up my vape. But I thought on these things and realized if I didn't write about it immediately I would lose the courage to write it at all. 

I have seen a part of me that I now understand. Well that I am going to begin to understand. It's all a journey. 

It's just that this is the time to explore, and learn. I just have new areas that I will be growing in. Each one will complete another part of what I enjoy and who I am. I'm really excited because now the fun begins. 

I hope you all have a wonderful evening, there is so much that you can do. You just have to be open to the idea. It's whatever your mind can create and fathom that you want to see realized. So long as it's done in a SSC way. 

Hello once again friends,

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, it's been a while since I have written a blog and more of my time has been spent away from this site little by little these last few weeks. I still like to pop my head in to check what's going on, but I find myself on this site less and less. I would like to maintain a consistent presence here as I find great value in being able to express myself. Sometimes the half formed thoughts become fully realized when I begin to write them down. Sometimes my brain power alone is insignificant to turn thought into action. Where as putting it down formulates the thought into a "solid" form that can be acted upon. 

So allow me a brief moment to say life has been tremendous. Things have been falling into place and the growth that I have managed to create for myself through dedication has been wonderful. Despite this great growth and improvement I still have so many areas I can improve. 

Here's the pork rub, I want to be my best self. The best possible version of me in my mental health, my emotional health, my ability and skillset. My physical self. In as many ways as you can imagine I desire to be my best possible self. 

How does one achieve *the best possible*? 

What is that standard? 

Why am I so worried about accomplishing that standard within myself? 

Well let's just say I had a mini break through. I've been working on improving my physical surroundings, which includes all manner of things. Cleaning and organizing. Taking time to imagine *MY* gaming room. Cleaning up the yard and mowing the lawn. Cleaning dishes, doing laundry, taking care of myself and being a good steward of myself, my property, my wealth and my home. 

In general the typical adulting we all need to do. 

On Saturday, just over the weekend I had an opportunity to go hiking with my friend. He invited me out, and let me just say this. Getting an invite? From someone??? Yeah that doesn't happen often. At least not anymore. Well that's probably because I've said "Nope, not for me" for one reason or another. Typically because I deemed it as unnecessary and not worth the money etc. The thing is if you say no enough times, eventually people stop asking you to do things. 

So this new friend from work invited me out, and I thought "Hey, let's be responsible. I would like to go but I have a large list that I made for myself to accomplish". So I set to give myself Saturday to get everything done, and Sunday I could go for the hike. 

So I got a bit motivated and set about accomplishing what was necessary that I had asked of myself. The thing is I still desire to be the best version of me. So while I was trying to get everything done I started thinking in 2 ways. 

The first: Time doesn't matter. How long it takes to accomplish a task is irrelevant. It will take as long as it takes. Keep in mind though I also had plan to communicate with my friend. We had a time set where we were going to have a date on zoom, and catch up. See what's going on, and in general how we are each doing. So I had a time limit in that I was not going to be late to speak to my friend but the time it takes to finish the dishes or mow the lawn. It takes as long as it takes. I made sure to set an alarm 2 minutes before our appointed meeting time because I love speaking to my friend and I don't want her to wait. At least I try to show up on time as close as I can. I still usually show up a minute late because even when I'm "on time" I'm usually just a few minutes late. 

The second: Now this is the more critical part. Well reminding myself "It takes as long as it takes", is actually the most important part. It helps put me in the right mindset to just get it done, instead of fighting and arguing with myself about the task. But the next part, is to approach this chore, task, game, event, whatever it doesn't matter, with EXCELLENCE. 

What is excellence? 

To me, it is an earnest attempt while utilizing your skills to the best of your ability *TODAY* in whatever task is in front of you. 

The key part is realizing our own limits, and accepting that TODAY maybe your best isn't up to your own standard of where you know you can act. You think to yourself "I could have done that better". The thing is maybe tomorrow you could do this task even better, because you have a little more experience tomorrow than you did today. So ask yourself "Did I do my best today in this chore?" Maybe you get to "Yup, I did good enough TODAY. Tomorrow I could do better, and that's fine. Because today I have done enough and I have acted with excellence in mind." 

No matter what the job, the chore, perhaps even that funishment you organized. Do it with excellence within the scope of your ability. 

So let's speak on "within the scope of your ability". 

Where are your strengths? Your weaknesses? Of course I'm not speaking of that negative Nancy that can scream from inside your mind saying "You're miserable at EVERYTHING" 

Im talking about an objective evaluation of yourself. What am I good at? (Still working on figuring this out for me, but I believe I'm making progress) 

So now that you have a fair self evaluation based on fact and not conjecture. We have to begin to consider Wisdom. 

I can, but should I? Or maybe the situation after a fair evaluation is that "I can't" and should defer this to someone who has more experience in this area. 

Sure, you *could*. But here is where I fall a little short. Is the next most important step for me in my journey. 

The INTENTION behind the act. Why? Why are you trying to accomplish this? For what purpose are you trying this or pushing that? What reason do you have and what is your planned intention for these actions? 

For me in my physical sense it's a pretty easy answer. I am cleaning my house so I don't feel like I live in garbage. So that I have pride in my property, so that *IF* I have company over I'm not embarrassed by the state of my property. All sorts of reasons and each one is pretty easy to answer. 

Where I fall short is based on "What are my intentions for the relationships in my life". These emotional connections that I have made with different people, at different levels. I've let some people in a significant portion, and allowed them to see all of me. Others have barely scratched the surface and some yet barely spoke 5 words to me. I am learning to give back what is given to me. I used to go all out for each conversation, but I have quickly adjusted my style to match the level of effort put forward. You send me a message with 1 question and 2 lines of text? I send you back 3 lines of text and maybe half a question. You send me 15 paragraphs and 10 questions? You better believe I'm writing a novel to respond to every line I can, and for fun let me add in a few questions of my own to generate further conversation. You want to invest in me, then I will return the courtesy. 

So now we have an established friendship and things are amazing!!! 

But what do we do with this budding relationship? I can, but should I? What is my intention? Where do I want this to go? What is my desire for the long term? What goals do I want to accomplish within this dynamic? How do I lead someone to this desired outcome? 

Because here's the thing. 

Right now, I could be most closely described as a service top. While that is outstanding and I have come a very long way to get here, it's still not the end to *MY* journey. My desire is not to be a top. My desire is to be a dominant. My desire is to go as far as I can within my ability. I want to be the absolute BEST. 

Let me be very clear, if you only want to be a top, or a kinkster, or only want to go so far within BDSM that's amazing. So long as it's right for you. For me, I desire to be everything. I want to have my girl know she is safe and cared for. That there is nothing I wouldn't do or handle, that she has the utmost confidence within me to handle any situation (which could be deferring to someone who has greater skill than I in certain areas I lack ability) Even this is an appropriate response, because you acknowledge your inability to do something safely, correctly or however you may fall short in that area. There is so much that I want for myself, and the future that I deserve. 

The thing is you need to put the work into fabricating that future for yourself. 

For me, manufacturing that future takes two very critical steps.

1) Acknowledging that all tasks take as long as they take. 

2) Act with excellence. 

This is where I am. I know I will get to where I want to be one day. The pieces are starting to fall into place, and the more effort I put into solving the puzzle that is me the easier it gets as I come closer to the finished product. 

Of course there will always be downloadable content. There will be an update where you need to refresh and restart. You will look at the picture and recognize that you can add more detail to a certain area. There will always be more work to do, but I'm working on my foundation. I desire to be rock solid within myself, so that I am not rocked or shaken by the turbulence of life. Or the turbulence of the drama and intensity that can manifest when you invite someone special into the home you have built. Because there will be baggage and if you can't support your own weight, how can you manage someone else's? 

So I am still getting *ME* sorted. I'm closer than I have ever been in my life, and each day I make more progress. 

But I need to remain diligent and continue my progress with EXCELLENCE!! 

I wish you all well, and a happy beginning to your week. 

Well hello again friends,

Today has been a good day, in many ways. 

So let us begin simply. 

I have owned 2 properties. Sorry, let me rephrase that. I have had the bank own two properties that I have attempted to make payments on so that I could own them. The first property that I ever held with my name there also happened to be my wife's name and 2 other people on that mortgage.... That quickly turned into a pile of excrement and perhaps that story will find its way here one day. But that entire situation was ridiculous and even though it occured I'm not sure if the details really matter. 

Well regardless, that property we all stayed there for just about 4 years. We managed to make it work somehow, although tensions built up and an absolute perfect storm of terrible occured. But that's not the point of this blog. 

This house was "owned" by all 4 of us. Although even how that occured was riddled with red flags that my wife and I ignored because we were trying to be good people. Anyways, we lived there for 4 years. During this time the entire property was in complete disrepair. I have to say I did not take responsibility for the property. I mean sure I wound up mowing the lawn here or there and sometimes I put in work. But the issue was the people we lived with didn't put any effort into the property either. It became a "well you didn't hold up your end, so why should I?" 

Well I could go on and on about the neglect in that property. Suffice it to say the important part was this. I OWNED that house. I DID NOT take care of it. I was EMBARRASSED to be seen walking into that house somedays. The issue that I had with it? 

It LOOKED like the people living there were renting. There was no care or consideration for the well being of the space. You would have been hard pressed to look at the house and say "Those people who live there care about how their space looks." Honestly it was a disgrace and it was difficult to walk through those doors. The atmosphere once you got inside was stifling. It got to the point where we didn't speak with our roommates and would actively avoid each other as much as possible. My wife spent all of her time inside her room because she felt safe there and no where else inside her entire home did she feel comfortable. It was a hard thing to watch, and I was so happy when we managed to purchase our own house for just us 2. Even though things have shifted and we are no longer together, we still get along pretty well. Even within these last few weeks our relationship has improved and I am very happy to be able to retain her friendship and be able to do simple things beside and for her. 

So come October I will have been in the property that was supposed to be just us 2. Now that it's a single one, I'm trying to figure out whether or not this is somewhere I will be able to remain and thrive. Would being somewhere closer to work be a more optimal option for me as a single individual? The thing is I do really like my house, and it was bought with the intention is of fitting the needs of my wife as much as possible for the options that we looked at. We viewed close to 30 homes before deciding on this one. 

Here's the thing, since we moved in late October the house had previously been unoccupied. The grass had grown to gross proportions, and was a little unruly. But we had just moved across the province, and didn't have the tools set up to take care of the lawn. The mower and weed whipper were stored away and I was not in the mood to try and get them set up so I could take care of the lawn. 

Then came 5 months of snow.

And the eventual thaw. 

So. 

Not only was the grass unkept my 3 dogs had been using the bathroom all winter. I had rarely been outside to pick any poop up. 

Trust me when I say there was a shit load...

So, the whole reason I'm speaking about all of this today? 

Because this morning, for the first time since living here I have managed to take care of my front and back yard completely. After working through these past few weeks I have managed to put a tiny bit of effort towards cleaning up my yard. In the front and in the back. 

Guess which took longer? (The correct answer lies within your rear) 

Today, for the first time in 5 years I have not been embarrassed by my home. 

For the first time since owning a property it actually looks like the person who lives there really does care about the place they live in. 

It no longer looks like a renter is stuck within the community. 

I'm really proud of the effort I've put towards my home, and to have finally accomplished a tough task that I did not enjoy doing is a good step in the right direction of where I need to head. 

The thing is I still struggle. 

I read a blog this afternoon while having a walk through the park. I sat down at a picnic table and looked through my phone. I saw DaddyDrago had updated his blog. I always try my best to go through and catch any of his readings. Because yet again he was literally inside my head. 

Earlier today I forgot to bring my facemask with me to come into town. 

I did not realize this until I walked up to the door of the bank and looked at the sign mentioning the new by-law requiring a facemask inside a property. 

That sent me into a bit of a spiral of self inflicted frustration. It stemmed from my forgetfulness. My incompetence. My fucking moronic self. 

I did manage to come up with a plan that eventually led me to getting my new debit card, (because I had lost mine just a few days ago on my second day of work) so I did get everything I had come into town to do. I got it taken care of today without having to come back. 

But I was struggling coming up with ways to combat that negative self loathing. 

This blog spoke to me on a level that fit into everything I had just FELT and struggled with just hours ago. 

It gave me a gentle reminder that we all have our moments and they aren't always happy, we all struggle with our own demons no matter what they look like. 

I have been improving with being able to stabilize myself when I rock my boat with negativity. The thing is I want to accel and not rock at all. I want to be the absolute best at everything I do. 

I don't want to be second in anything and yet it seems more often I can barely show up. There are a tremendous amount of talented people that exist in this world. If you compete with enough people you will eventually find someone who ends up being better than you.

The thing is I desire to be the best in the world at something. 

It doesn't really matter, it could be the game of tiddlywinks for all I care. 

But to be so capable to not be bested by anyone that happens to challenge you. Wouldn't it be fantastic to be the best in the world at something? 

Yet I doubt I will ever achieve that level of mastery in anything. That is one in a few billion chance. 

The thing is I can improve the things I do in my life. I have been lately in fact. With some consistent effort. More consistent effort I should say. 

Whether I ever manage to be the absolute best in the world at something I will always work at just getting better. Improvement is still worthwhile. 

I need to be my own measure to which I am evaluated. 

I'm slowly learning this, but it's a very hard lesson for me. 

I need to run as I have a class to attend, but I hope you all have a wonderful evening. 

*Points to self*

This guy 

Well hello friends,

So today I am finally going to take the plunge and speak on this topic that I have desired to write a blog about for a long time now.

The thing that held me back was my lack of ability in the areas that I have been trying to improve upon. I had wanted to have mastery in the areas I want to discuss, prior to writing this blog. Here's the thing, I don't think I will ever be satisfied by my abilities. I will always see some area of where I can improve and how I could be better. It's a never-ending process that you will see some part that could be improved upon. No matter how big or small. 

So I've decided that my current ability doesn't actually factor into me writing this blog, I just had a desire to have a grasp on these new skills that I have been building up to be proud of what I have accomplished within these new fields. To say, yes mastery is possible. I have made continued progress forward though, and each day I grow within my abilities as long as I take some time throughout my day to work on these skills. 

In some ways it was a selfish desire to toot my own horn and say "look at how good I've become". The thing is I am still proud of the improvement I have managed to achieve. Through my dedication I have gotten better in the areas that I have focused my attention. I still desire to be better and to see myself continue to grow. The difference is that I am learning to accept my own level of ability within a skillset. I may not be where I want to be just yet, but I will get there through consistent dedication. 

Anyways, let's get to it! 

So I am about to geek out a tiny bit, and talk about an anime that I FREAKING LOVE!!!! 

MHA (My Hero Academia) Currently there are 4 seasons, and each season shows the growth of each character within the show. I should mention a slight disclaimer as there will be slight spoilers in regards to the storyline. I will try my best to remain vague and not reveal too much, but that will be difficult to do and fully explain the ideas that have been forming inside my mind hole. 

So if you would allow me to take a minute to explain the background and how society exists within this show. 

80% of the population has a genetic modification to their gene pool, and of this percentage of the population these individuals all have gained what are deemed as "quirks". Unique abilities that exist within almost every person. Each quirk is different and no one person has the same ability, although there are some that can be similar. The idea is that each person can develop their quirk by utilizing it, and training to accentuate those abilities. 

Okay first spoiler, the main character is actually born in the 20% of the population that does not have a quirk. He is "quirkless". Through a bunch of wicked and hilarious events he is gifted a quirk by the most celebrated hero within the universe. 

This is an important distinction. He was not born with this ability. He gained it after a few years of his childhood. As such he continuously thinks of this ability as "someone else's". The thing is quirks exist within you, they are you. The main character struggles with this idea that this is his ability, it is his skill. He has to master within himself and control this power. 

One of my favourite moments within this show is an "Aha" moment for the main character. During the course of his training he gains the ability to access his quirk in one area, then learns to use the quirk across his entire body, and the general development that he goes through. 

The thing that happened is he realized that by accessing his ability within one part of him, and transfering how he activates it and boosts his power output he develops a new skill. Basically put he takes some basic skills and creates a combo by adding them together. 

This is the critical point of this writing. 

So, I am currently trying to learn how to beatbox and a few other new skills as well but for the purpose of this writing I am going to focus on the skill "beatboxing".

I have been watching different YouTube videos, watching tutorials, and trying to learn how to create new sounds that I can replicate. The most important thing to remember is that these are guidelines and are a general way towards creating these noises. You have to attempt and learn how you best make these sounds. What is the most natural way for you? The other thing that is a recurring theme is that each of these people trying to instruct on different techniques usually break it down this way. 

Take basic skill 1. 

Take basic skill 2. 

Take basic skill 3. 

To master this new sound you first must have a mastery over skill 1,2 and 3. 

Apply skill 1, then skill 2, then skill 3 and skill 1. Repeat this pattern, get faster, become more fluid, blend the noises, and form these 3 separate individuals noises in a combination that creates this brand new rich and impactful depth to the sound. By layering these skills over top of each other you can develop and continue to create more rich and full sounding noises. Suddenly that bass note that falls flat suddenly has more depth because at the end you add a growl from your throat. Or a lip oscillation that follows the note and extends the length and tone. 

It's about having a grasp of the basics and applying them in combinations that create realistic authentic sounds. 

I want to be able to master beatboxing. Well I want to master every skill and be the best I can possibly be. It doesn't matter what it is in my life. I want to succeed and thrive. I have always held such a rigid view of what success was and is. I used to see anything as less than perfect as utter failure. I would berate myself and say terrible horrible things. I'm learning to accept myself and my current level of ability within a certain skillset. Of saying "I desire to improve and so I will". But it's then taking the time to accel and learn those basic skills. Mastering the fundamentals and growing from there. Because everyone starts somewhere. 

I will become better and I will continue to improve. 

I will make positive change occur because I can! I have the skill and ability to. 

Part of why this is difficult for me sometimes is when I hold onto certain expectations of how things "should" be. In my mind I can get set in stone about how things should occur and what's going to happen. When reality doesn't match up with my expectations I can lose my cool. I get frustrated and it can even boil into the realm of anger, and wrath. Depending on the perceived severity of the situation. One thing I am working on within myself is holding space for the outcome. To allow myself to do my best, and try my hardest and be willing to accept that outcome. Positive or negative. However it should happen, with no perceived expectations of what will occur. Simply waiting to see the outcome and learning to take a deep breath in that moment so I don't boil over. Because it's extremely disappointing to see yourself in such a negative way, and to see yourself get angry over something truly insignificant. 

I am trying to embody the traits of calm, clear, quiet, patient, intentional and confident. 

Anger is not on that list, frustration and being overwhelmed. I do not need to allow that negative space to exist within myself. I need to be able to let those emotions be felt and then move on, so I can release that tension but not allow it to take over my thoughts, actions and way of being. 

I still have so much growing to do. I don't have the mastery of the fundamentals yet, at least not to the level that I would hope to achieve one day. So until I'm satisfied I will work, and continue to put in the required time and effort to improve myself as I desire. 

I hope you are all well today, and that you find something within your life that you desire to see improvement. Take the time to focus and create a gameplan for how you will enact change and mark your progress. Being able to take stock and evaluate how far you have come is important too, and to recognize your success. Celebrate that you have improved, and be satisfied with the steps taken forward. 

Have a wonderful day, smile and be merry. Take some time to celebrate one accomplishment you have achieved today, and say "I am proud that I ...." 

For me, I took some time to learn more information about my cooking course. I went back over some fundamentals because I didn't quite grasp them as I wanted and needed. I am proud that I was able to learn something tonight, and that I was excited to learn. 

I want to create more excitement in my life and continue to grow the positive changes I've made.

I will. 

It will take some time, I just need to apply some patience to my learning process. But I will get there and when I do the celebration will be spectacular. 

Have a wonderful day!!

Hello friends,

So there has been a tremendous amount of growth happening within my life lately. 

I feel a little disappointed that I have not been as consistent with my blogging as I enjoy expressing myself through this medium. The issue that I have struggled with lately is the idea behind intention. 

I want to write in a meaningful way that will offer assistance to someone who might read this. 

The thing is we don't always make a difference in the lives of those we interact with. There is a level of which we will impact those around us, but sometimes the significance is minimal. 

I get inside my own head often, and most times when I begin to spend ample time within my own mind it will find a way to turn negative. 

So I am here trying to make a difference in my own life today. I would like to share with you some of the success that I have found within myself, as well as the moments that I struggle because I can only express my honest thoughts and opinions on my experiences.

It's been so long I am not even sure where to begin to catch up on all the major events that have occured recently. 

So let's start with my relationships. It was my brother's birthday just a few days ago, closer to the beginning of the week. I have not had the greatest relationship with my family and actually have spent close to 6 year's with almost no contact with any of them. For the first time in a long time I spent time with my brother, sister, parents and my niece's and nephews. It was a really simple night, and we were fortunate not to get rained on as a storm was in the neighborhood and had a high likelihood of erupting all over us. We had ordered food from Peters Drive-In, an old school drive through that is iconic in the city I live. My family used to go there when we were kids, and I have fond memories of enjoying milkshakes and french fries at the picnic tables feeding the birds and animals that would scrounge for food. It was nice to connect with my family and be apart of the family unit that I have felt like a black sheep within for a very long time. 

My favourite moment was actually when I spoke with my sister. She is the most closely related to me, and I have always felt the most connected to her. We believe in similar things, and are a little more off kilter than the rest of our family. She understands me more than anyone else. But during the evening, I had an open conversation with her. I talked about part of my journey (she is aware of my interest in kink) but it had to do with my mental journey. I had spent some time meditating and I told her about my experience. About my desire to find a religion that speaks to my heart, AND I even swore a few times with my parents within earshot!!! Yeah, that for me was a big step. I enjoy cursing and sometimes there are moments when it is completely appropriate. My parents are strongly Christian and my entire life I was raised not to curse, so to be an adult and choose my words without consideration for how it might affect them is a big step for me. 

The thing is I will tend to alter myself to fit the people around me, and when I find out something makes you uncomfortable I will do my best to not trigger that awkwardness. So, take for instance my parents strong disdain for cursing. In my highschool days and throughout university I continuously hid who I was and am because I was afraid they wouldn't accept me. I still don't think they would have an easy time accepting who I am, which is why I have placed necessary boundaries around the relationships with my family. Although for me to say, "I curse" and will in front of you is something I never did because I didn't want to upset my parents. I do try and respect that there are those that don't enjoy that kind of language and I can find creative ways to express myself without cursing. The thing is I don't want to hide from my family. I can respect you and still choose to be myself and the most comfortable version of myself. Which just might happen to be the type of person to express themselves using explicit language. I was exceptionally happy with how I choose to express myself. I was open and honest and truly me, in many ways that I have hidden from those closest around me. 

So!!! The birthday. I was nervous showing up. I mean yes, they are family. But I've also not been around them for years. My fears were unfounded though and I had a lovely time and it was nice to see everyone be together to celebrate my brother's birthday. The fact that I was even apart of it once again, just to be there. It was nice. Plus, I didn't let anyone walk over me with how I acted!! 

So many positive moments and we even took some family photos which has been a long time for us, considering I haven't been in any "family" photos in years. 

I have put effort to improving my personal relationships with my family, and I have been extremely fortunate to be able to connect with friends that understand and accept me. 

I'm even working on improving the relationship with my ex. She had some difficult and trying times going through an ordeal with her relationships, and I was able to offer her some support. In being there for her she has opened up more and given me back some of the space that I once held. We have both been very clear with each other though and understand we are much better off as friends, and as such we have been able to take steps forward in our friendship and will continue to make those steps because that relationship has value and importance to both of us (I believe. I can only speak for myself, but it seems she has found some value otherwise she would not pursue reopening some of how we connect) The thing is they might be little things but she asked me to help cut her hair, which we used to do together and was actually one of my concerns when we first separated. "How will I cut and maintain my hair by myself?" I choose to shave myself bald, and through the months haven't put any thought into what I want to do with it except allow it to grow. This was a small way I used to be able to help her in her daily life, and to be able to enter back into a place in her life where she is willing and able to trust me with her hair has significance and importance to me. I am very grateful to have her ask for my help once again, as she has taken a step towards opening some level of trust with me. I understand and know we will never get back to where we once stood, but that's okay. I made choices in the past, and those choices had the consequences of ruining our marriage. I mean there was a lot involved and I didn't destroy my marriage on my own. But I had a large hand in it, and I accept my responsibility for what occured. 

The thing is I still hold onto my old mistakes, and even though I have proven in every interaction that is no longer the person I am, I still see myself as that boy that made those mistakes. My friend has asked me to find the 5 best qualities that I believe are my best strengths, and I still haven't been able to express what I consider to be my best qualities. In my head I still exist within my own past, even as I'm making strides to never return to those actions as they were unhelpful and caused nothing but destruction. I am moving on physically, and yet I am locked in this prison of my own creation, mentally. It is belief in my own ability, and trusting that I am no longer that person. I haven't reached that point though, and I am working on cracking through that mental barrier that I have constructed around my previous actions. I have not made as much progress as I desire, but I will keep you fine folks informed of the progress I make or perhaps the slip ups I encounter along my way. 

The other dramatic change in my life would be how I am taking responsibility of my household. 

So I have begun to work some self affirmations and mantras into my daily routines. Morning and night as best I can. The thing is part of my mantra involves being "a good steward of myself, my wealth, my property and my home". I've been thinking through the words of what my mantras mean and how I can best embody the words I speak to myself. 

The thing is to be a good steward is to be responsible, capable, in control, organized, and to take ownership of all aspects of your life. So how do I take responsibility for my property? It's about cleaning up after myself, cleaning my dishes and vacuuming. Going into my yard and mowing my lawn. Speaking of, I actually mowed my backyard pretty much since moving into my house almost a year ago. Needless to say I have been negligent in my duties around my house was a bit of an understatement. I let everything get out of control. The thing is I have set time aside and effort to improving those aspects of my life. I set my timer when I didn't want to work in the backyard so that I would have a well defined set amount of time that I required myself to do that task. I only had to try my best and for however long the timer was set to. Once the timer went off, I could stop and most times when the alarm did end up going off I wound up ignoring it to just finish what was in front of me. That last little bit. 

How do I become a good steward of myself? That's pretty simple. Take responsibility and take care of your self. That is maintaining your hygiene and cleanliness. Showering regularly. Looking after your mind and heart and making sure you are in good standing emotionally as well as physically. I have been putting effort into my physical well being and have dedicated much of my time to mastering my body and self. I need to turn my attention to focusing and mastering my mind because that is where I fall short most often. 

How do I become a good steward of my wealth? It's sorting and taking control of my finances. Ordering my life and behaviours to work with my financial situation. That would be simple things like prepping meals so that I have food to bring while at work so I don't spend 40 dollars a day buying food at work (which I have done on some days, I hate when my stomach is yelling at me to feed it) It's also about taking the time to balance my budget and figure out where my money is going and what I need to spend my money on. It's also about taking the wealth that I do have and being able to share it when appropriate. Currently it is not appropriate for me to spend my money on anything that is irrelevant, because I have to focus on my necessities and the requirements to keep myself fed, clothed, and protected from the elements. I need to make sure that my animals have food, and that I can afford my insurance and bills. I have MANY steps to righting myself and becoming a good steward of my wealth, but I am taking the tiny steps in the right direction to get there. 

I originally titled this blog post "Getting Lost" because I felt like I haven't found who I am yet and that I am still searching for the 5 best qualities within myself and how can I move past the issues of my history. The thing is, that's the negative view that I have always been looking at myself with. I choose to change the title to "Getting Found" because I have found a lot within myself. I have dramatically improved and I can see that within myself and I must acknowledge it more often. 

I am not the same person I was. I will constantly change and evolve, and I need to believe and have trust within myself. 

I have a friend that I play videogames with, and one day I was telling him part of what was occuring within my life. The drastic changes that had occured and part of what I was dealing with. He made a small comment and told me "I'm going to send you something". That was weeks ago, and today the thing he sent finally arrived in the mail today. When I opened his letter and read what he had written and the gift he had sent me I was almost speechless and tears came rolling down my cheeks. He had sent me some money, for no reason and with only the hopes that it would help me. The thing is when I first saw the cheque he had sent the thought that rolled through my brain was "I don't deserve this". Why should I deserve anything? He felt the need to offer assistance for no real reason other than he felt he should and he had the means to offer help. He didn't ask for a thank you and even requested that we not even talk about it. I had to send him a message saying I recieved his letter and I did thank him, because I won't be someone who ignores something that has significance to me. His help has immediately changed a dire situation to one that is manageable. I can't ignore that, although I will try my best to honour his wishes and not bring it up again. But when something (doesn't have to be financial) if it is important to me, or if I see value in it I need to express how important that is. How valuable it was. Whether it's a conversation, or a moment with someone. I want to be able to express to those in my life when and how they do something that matters to me. I want those that matter to me, to understand when they impact my life in a positive way. 

I am also a really simple person. 

Care to take a guess what my absolute new favourite piece of jewelry is right now? 

So I used to have a necklace that my ex gave me. It was a cross and had a tiny diamond right at the centre of the cross. It was a beautiful necklace and I loved the chain. It was a little thicker and felt really comfortable around my neck. I can still remember the first night I took off that necklace and choose to leave it off me. I could feel the lack of weight. It felt like 30 pounds had been removed, and I could feel the emptiness of that spot on my throat where the necklace would have laid. It was dark and my thoughts were so focused on the space that no longer held her necklace. 

Since then I haven't worn any jewelry, with the exception of my Xbox wristband. I don't typically consider that "jewelry" though. 

The thing is this new piece of "jewelry" isn't jewelry at all. It's actually a black elastic hair tie... Hahahah yeah! That's right. The thing is I had a friend who asked me to look for something that I could associate with her, to wear so that I could feel closer to her. During my search I found this black hair elastic on the floor, even though it was brand new it was covered in some dirt from the floor. I gave it a quick shake and threw it on my left wrist. You want to know what my favourite thing to do with it now is? I will pull at it, and rotate it around my wrist while saying her name in my mind. I direct my thoughts and energy towards her and touch this cheap, inexpensive piece of elastic string that holds absolutely no value except that which I place on it. The thing is I never needed an expensive piece of bling, and having something with "no worth" that connects me to someone special in my life has immense value and I find myself directing my thoughts towards her daily since putting on this hair band. I have since moved it from my left wrist onto my right wrist and now it crosses over my Xbox wristband and has created its own unique indentation into my wrist. It may have little worth, but it has immeasurable value to me and is my absolute favourite piece of jewelry. 

I don't need the fanciest anything. In so many ways we place value on articles disproportionate to the actual value of the item itself. Whether we overestimate it's worth, or undervalue it. But part of that is understanding the emotional value that you attach to that item. As you feel and connect to whatever is in your life, you will add emotional value to all those things you bring into your life. Whether that's a relationship or a specific item, we will evaluate and add this invisible value that only has significance to you. It's about accepting the importance that you place on those items in your life, and honouring them with the respective value you hold to that piece of what have you. Whether that's a someone who has immense value in your life or perhaps a simple piece of fabric that is just special for its meaning. 

I am finding myself, and locating more of who I want to be. I am allowing my actions to follow my words and creating consistency in my life. I am making improvement and moving forward each day. 

I am proud of what I have accomplished because it hasn't been easy for me. I am happy with where I am at, and yet I still see the expansive room for continual improvement before me. The thing is I see the ways I can improve my life, and I am beginning to recognize where I need to make more effort. I know myself and what I don't like. I know where I struggle. The difference is now I'm beginning to see what action I need to take in order to change that which I don't like about myself. It's not just seeing the action I need to take, but following through with effort. 

I am making strides, and I will continue to do so. 

I am,

Getting found. 

I have made drastic change in my life lately. I have made consistent change (it's been over a week I think? Which is huge for me because I tend to do things well for a short period of time and then fall into habits of allowing things to get past me) 

I am thinking towards my time and how to organize and utilize it more efficiently. 

I am looking to improve my household and continue to strive to make my surroundings better. 

I have plans to organize and decorate my gaming room EXACTLY how I WANT!!! 

Not only have I been looking at my life in more positive ways but I'm looking for the good within myself. 

I had a friend who challenged me to find 5 things that I BELIEVE to be my best qualities and abilities. What is it about myself that is awesome? I spent a few minutes meditating last night before my shower. I was sitting on my toilet in the dark with my eyes closed and in my head I was thinking I should shower, but I felt a very relaxed sensation spread all throughout my body. I felt like I was already meditating but I focused my breathing and took myself into another world. It was myself. The universe that exists within me. For the longest time that place was a void. A black expanse that was void of any love, of any vision, of any clarity. 

In that moment I didnt find my 5 best qualities but I allowed myself a moment to briefly experience the good that is within me. The radiance that I possess. It shifted that pure black nothing void, (the way I blinded myself to my own good seeing none of my potential and past success) but now that I'm beginning to love and appreciate and respect my worth as a person. I looked at my past and for a brief moment the universe that exists within me lit up with colour. Shifting in brilliance and radiance, a myriad of light that began to move and dance within my universe. The entity that makes up my existence. From the thought process to the physical limits that encapsulate *ME*. Everything lit up and I exuded light. It felt like it lasted minutes but it passed in just a few seconds. Suddenly everything was black again. 

At that point I tried one more visualization practice and then I got into the shower. 

Normally when I shower I try to finish as quickly as possible, it's a job to clean yourself. Last night I took the time to enjoy the sensation of the warm water and how it felt to appreciate myself and to take care of my physical self. I took the time to simply appreciate being clean. 

Anyways, today is Friday. But when I got to work this morning (2 minutes late because I had to water my plant this morning since I didn't do it last night) I took the time today to register for a course. 

I'm attending Harvard!!! 

Well I'm actually auditing a course that I find extremely interesting. I have barely begun the first lesson and have to head out to do my job but even just registering for the class has me excited and eager. 

I haven't felt this way since I was a kid, in so many ways. I've wanted to get back to being a little more carefree, and I am making progress. I feel like someone who is finally able to take responsibility in his life, and deal with what is necessary. 

But I still have a very long way to go. I'm just putting a few more pieces together. 

Anyways, time to get to work. Have a wonderful day!!!