This one is NOT about food

Hello Cage friends,

As I begin to end my first night shift I wanted to express just a few things. (Sure have been talkative these last few days, I have reached a new level of motivation) 

So I "just read" an outstanding blog and sitting with some of the ideas behind it (like a few hours ago, but soon enough I consider it just having been read) it was on the ways that a dominant should be looking to share and incorporate your s type into your world as a dominant. The thing was he didn't speak on being perfect, it wasn't about doing any of that. 

It was about intentionally choosing to bring this special person/s into your life. Including them. Making them apart of what you do, what you love. Making them understand why you think that way and seeing if they might also have interest in those areas or whether or not they can be shown how to be incorporated into those activities. 

An example that was used in the blog was rock climbing. Perhaps you are an avid climber and could instruct your s type on how to belay and potentially work up to getting them on the rope. 

But it wasnt about being perfect. It was being able to do the small things. About building rituals that have significance between the two of you. Not making them outlandish in number or severity. 

Keep it simple. Keep it to a few. So that you can remember all that you have set in place, so that you consistently build trust and depth. 

I have sat with myself and questioned over and over. Am I ready? Am I capable? Am I able to do all that I desire for my s type? Am I enough? 

The thing is, I have been doing the things a dominant should in many many aspects of how I interact. I currently have a small select number of friends that I speak with regularly. As I am sure many of you have those that you just connect with, resonate with and find agreeable with your opinions and thoughts. 

To me, I was always getting into this idea of "I have to do, and be everything. I want it all and so I should be it all." But that's not true. 

Trust is built one day at a time. It is built in the non sexual, non sensual, regular sit and talk and get to understand each other ho hum drum of everyday life. Of course it can be built in sexual ways, it can be built in sensual ways. But alas for me, I do not have that luxury. 

The friends I have made live a significant distance from me. It becomes a challenge to see them, to be anything other than a voice or words on a screen for them. I can't touch them, I can't see them (except through the camera of my phone) but to those that matter to me I want nothing more than to sit and talk. 

To enjoy laughter together, and accept the gift of your time. To be honoured that we have built something together that neither of us can quite describe because it is in actuality nothing. But that I have slowly begun the process of building trust. In such a way that you feel confident and safe in being able to express trauma from your past. To sit with it, to sit with you and let my heart bleed and my eyes water and tear up. Not unhappy tears necessarily, but just the feeling and understanding of what that experience must have been like. To feel and share in that pain. To sit with it, and accept that there is nothing I can ever do to change the situation, so all I can do from miles away is cry with you. To feel the anguish that might have gone through your mind and yet know none of it at all. Because I never lived the experience. Just the words you were brave enough to communicate. 

I am an emotional creature. I allow myself to feel as closely as I can to the perceived trauma, situation, experience as I can best imagine it based on your description. But these tears that fall are not meant to sadden you, nor are they meant to illicit any response from you. I just want to show you that as best I can, I am trying my hardest to understand you. That in fact I do understand you, and that while this situation happened in your past it does not define who you are today. In fact these doubts and worries that you have over yourself are completely unfounded. I can see that. I hope you will begin to see that as well. 

My family is very religious, and I had just visited with my parents before heading off to work. They gave me a few birthday cards from different friends and family. 

This one card had Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'". 

Now that might be a little false advertising. As I do not have the plans I wish I could implement. But I have a hope for the future. 

The only unfortunate part is that my long term goals seem to end up in flames and ashes. Of course that could very well be because my plans were not aligned correctly. That my plans were superficial and therefore easily destroyed. 

My intention is to not allow this future slip me by. Although I have found there is little I can do to actually change the future except by my actions today. 

To find peace and joy in sitting and seeing your face. To know that you are taking time from your busy life to think about me. To try and reach out and make my life easier in any way possible. In the smallest most inconceivable ways. 

****Wow!!!!!!!***** Okay this is a side note, but just a moment I would like to share with you. So feeling more confident, and seeing that occur in many different ways. There are a ton of shifts in my workplace but we just had a posting come out for the foreman position, and my supervisor just came by and mentioned that he had directly emailed my the posting application. Me thinks he might want me to apply, and I might actually have a decent shot at getting the posting despite how many people are ahead of me because I have a reasonable amount of experience in 2 areas that the foreman would oversee. 

But the point being of all of this. I am more capable than I believe. I am doing the right things and those that matter, that I wish to see in my life will be there so long as I continue the good work that I am doing in myself, and for those around me. 

But I desire to know those who serve me, by looking into their eyes and knowing their heart and mind. I want to be able to see your thought through the expression on your face, the movement of your body. I want to know your desire and be able to embody it and show that you are desired, precious, important. You are my world and I want for you to be able to experience all that I have to offer. 

It is abundant. It is fulfilling. It is joyous. 

Anyways, technically my shift ended 3 minutes ago and I am still dressed like someone who is working.

So time for me to head over, get changed, get my ass home and work on being productive within my personal life so that I am fully prepared to allow those who choose me the space and environment that will continue to help them grow.

Thank you to those of you who helped inspire my line of thought. 

A very special thank you to Civilised Stallion for his blog "It is Obvious" as the words he wrote were the inspiration for my small step forward today. I can't thank those that have helped me grow and move forward enough, because words just don't seem to do justice. But to those that affect change within my life I deeply thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Hello Cage friends,

How are you today?? Well I am doing freaking grade A fantastic. 

So prepare yourselves, for I am about to throw some information at you that you may not appreciate or agree with. It doesn't matter though, you are entitled to your opinion and regardless of what you have to say I will say "Thank you for your honesty". 

Now, let's begin. 

So today (I am currently sitting at my office just beginning my first night shift of 4) and do you want to know what happened when I first came into this space? 

My coworker walked in sat down and IMMEDIATELY said "Dude, you stink. That is unfair to me to have to sit and endure this". 

Okay, so let me say this. Those that have spent anytime reading my blogs will know I have taken a leave of absence from showering every so often. Not that I don't want to, or don't like to, it's just somedays I get lazy. Some days I don't want to. Some days I think about it and then sit on my ass until the late evening when I am too tired and just crawl into bed. 

Now. Just because I happen to be a gross human being that reeks sometimes does not mean that's my intention. I do not want to harm your sensitive nose with my BO. Honestly it was probably more my clothes than me (I had showered before heading out to the mountain yesterday, but I still wore the same clothes. Funny how you can sweat into something and have that absolutely remain embedded into the fibres) 

Anyways, when my coworker pointed out the obvious odour he was encountering I turned around and walked out the door. Walked across to my locker room, got undressed had a super quick shower and threw on my work clothes. I did all I could to try and improve my smell as I really wasnt trying to bother him. But he made mention that it was an issue and I was able to take decisive action to fix the issue as best I could within the scope and access to tools that I had. Luckily we have a shower in the locker room that I was able to use, although I had no towel and did not bring any of my supplies for properly showering. But the fact that I even got a shower in today (because I had more important things to do today and wound up running some errands I wasn't expecting to have to run which left me with no time to shower) regardless of how fast it was still counts!!! 

The whole point of all of this though, I acknowledge that many women find it extremely off putting when you don't shower. Having a nice smelling man all groomed and who takes care of himself is a huge factor in determining whether this is the man for you. Here's the thing though. I am gross. I can have an abundance of smells that come from my body. Yes I am working at taking care of my hygiene more consistently, but I want someone who can sit and enjoy the particular aroma that can waft off of me. I want someone who can embrace that I don't always smell of roses, someone who can sit with me and embrace me for the gross person I can be. Because I'm not ideal. I have my flaws. And my smells. 

So after I had my shower, changed my clothes when I went back up to the office one of the first things I asked my coworker, "Hopefully this is better because I can't do much more than this, but thank you for your honesty". 

Actually I would recommend that you try this. The next time you have a hard conversation with someone and they give you some information that you don't necessarily agree with, tell them "Thank you for your honesty" and leave it at that. I find it makes them feel heard even if you can't necessarily change anything about the immediate situation. 

Honestly I love the way I smell, even when it's the gross BO that makes others green.... I just hope that I can find someone who appreciates me for the rank, smelly man I can be. Because that is apart of who I am. It is me. I'm always willing to take a shower though, especially if I have a lovely assistant willing to help get me clean. 

We are all looking for that one that completes us, or perhaps those few that satisfy us. We want to feel complete, accepted and loved regardless of our flaws. We want to be seen at our worst and loved the hardest for it. Because we are all imperfect. 

Anyways just some experiences from my day, my thoughts on the matter and perhaps some advice that might help you the next time you have a hard conversation. 

Be well, and have a great night. For all those that take the time to read this thank you for putting up with the smell from this blog

Okay screw this.... I want to show a few more photos. 

Alright, I will press pause here and just say that I really don't even know what I picked hahaha. But just a few photos that I managed to grab from the side of the hill. 

I actually can't even tell which images I'm grabbing, and technically I started at the bottom and have been working my way up...

This is the first place we NEEDED both hands to climb up... My buddy managed with his giant backpack, but we made sure to share the burden on the way down.

So I actually DID snap a photo of our beast!!! This is him, and he is an absolute mammoth. 

Hello Cage friends,

So today was a glorious day. A truly beautiful and invigorating day. 

I spent this morning doing something I haven't in a very long time. Well I just got home all safe and sound. Able to just unwind from the day. It feels sooooooo good to take off my shoes and just stretch my toes. 

Today, I climbed up a mountain. 

I live near the Rocky Mountains. Really it's about a 2.5 hour drive away from my home. Maybe 3 depending on traffic and road construction. 

But my friend and I got out of the city and went on an adventure. 

We got to the parking lot, got out of the vehicle and threw on our backpacks and went about our journey. We first passed through some forest, and after winding over roots and rocks we entered into the river run off channel that allows the water to run off in the springtime. Fortunately being here in the fall we didn't have any water to contend with. 

So my friend and I were both in the mood for a challenge, so instead of taking the path well traveled, worn down by boots and shoes we decided to hop over rocks and traverse through the river rock, and when we had a decision to make about going left (and following the trail that led to the top of the mountain) and going right (towards the avalanche zone/river run off channel) we said we were having toooo much fun hoping from rock to rock and so we went right. We encountered all sorts of challenges. I even had to put my Tim Hortons coffee cup away and use two hands to help guide me up some very steep embankments that would only best be described as near vertical. Luckily with solid handholds and better shoes than I wore last time (they were sandals, but that last hike was wayyyyy less intense) I managed to make my way up. Unfortunately because of our choice to head right we weren't able to reach the summit because there were parts that would require legitimate climbing gear and a plan on how to get our backpacks up the way. Well honestly I believe that we could have climbed up, but we would have never gotten down. And we both felt like returning home today. So we found an almost level ish place to stop for our top of the mountain break. We broke out some snacks and actually both enjoyed a nice glass of coke cola (Hoping for a sponsorship one day *Not actually pop is enjoyable but I try and stay away from it* but the image we took at the top of the mountain cheersing with the coke label might be worth some advertisement gold) Although I am waiting on my friend to send me the photo since he took that one. 

So after our quick little snack break we began the challenging part of descending the insane mountainside. We had to slow down and keep pace with each other. The rocks that were loose and tumbled away from us while we had to half slide and tumble our way down the mountainside. There were a few moments where loosened rocks tumbled down and SMACKED into trees. I mean damn gravity and its ability to make things go fast. If either one of us were below each other we would have been in for a world of hurt and trouble. I had 2 very scary moments for myself. The first was when we were just turning back after our snack, and I miss stepped, had the ground lurch out from under me and suddenly I was half running down this "hill". Loose rock kept slipping out from under me and I bounced around so much my sunglasses slipped off my forehead knocked my glasses off my face, (although they were still hanging on by my ears) and I was half blind unable to see really much of anything just trusted my legs to keep carrying me.... Fortunately I was able to grab this little bush and hang onto his limbs to stop my descent. I probably only went about 20-30 ft down this hillside, but once I lost my glasses and was running blind it felt a little longer than that. Thank goodness that bush was rooted solidly or else I might not have stopped. 

After a breather there and a call down from my friend, we caught our breath and that's when we actually started proceeding side by side a few feet away from each other down the rest of the way. 

The other bit of a scary moment I had was when we had made it out of the tree line and back into the river rock channel. We were making our way slowly, and I was being a goof jumping from rock to rock like I used to as a child. I would put my feet together bend so my knees would almost touch my chest and then hop and land feet together as if I was a gymnast. (Sorry ladies, but I'm really not that flexible or strong) Anyways, I was pretty careful and eyed up each rock that I intended to land on and gauged the security that that stone had before I made my jump. Well this rock that I had my eye on was a behemoth. Big, smooth, rounded, and looked like a decent place to put my feet.... Hahaha yeah, just because something LOOKS stable DOES NOT mean it is. So I did my usual prep, I can of wiggled my butt bent down, put my knees almost into my chest and I jumped. I landed perfectly. Feet planted solidly right in the middle of the boulder. I felt like I had just executed the most perfect dive. Until the large boulder felt the impact of my body with the force of gravity behind me. When I made my perfect landing the entire rock began to shift. And thanks to its rounded smoothness that sum bitch started to move when I landed on it. Panic set in, my heart jumped into my throat and I managed to catapult myself forward and off the rock further down into the ravine. As I turned around I saw not one rock but a slew tumble loose, as that one big ass boulder was holding back the others just barely making contact with the ground. I caught my breath, slowed my heart rate and just sort of laughed at how idiotic I was. My buddy called out, asking if I was alright, as he didn't have an angle on me after I managed to jump off the rock. I didn't respond right away and to him that was either really good, or really bad. Fortunately the only damage done was a tiny bit of soreness in my right knee and my ankle from having the heel on my shoe dig into my ankles as I made my way down. 

Once we made our way past the terrible hazards, and back down the mountain we stopped at this even bigger boulder. (Don't worry I didn't hurt myself here) The thing that made this boulder interesting was the fact that there was an Inukshuk built on it. An Inukshuk to those that may not know if a statue made from stone, typically from Inuits to create a landmark or commemorate an event. Well there was this little piddly guy, and my friend and I said screw let's throw up a bad ass mother fucker. So we scrounged and looked for perfect pieces. We managed to find some amazing stones that we hefted and lifted, all on unstable footing. Going up and over, and climbing down. Balancing, holding, shifting, holding, adding shims, checking the balance, adding more shims. Finding that this stone didn't work, so looking for other one. Then shifting and holding and balancing all over again. I will have to wait on a few images from my friend since I didn't quite get the photos I needed from it. But suffice it to say that by the time we were finished that sucker was nearly as tall as I am!! Although I do feel a little bad that we had to dismantle the other Inukshuk, but despite taking the other one down we did add the pieces into ours to help incorporate and maintain their structure within our new Inukshuk. The thing is, people will build them and come back to see if they are still standing. So they won't know that their little guy was added into our monster and they will probably be a tiny bit upset. We had actually hoped to recreate their little guy on the final form of our big ass guy, at the very top as the crowning jewel. Unfortunately we required the essence of their shuk for the bones of ours and frankensteined it all together. Here's to hoping it will still be around the next time I head out that way. I plan on taking a little detour to check to see if it's still there the next time I head out. Part of me suspects it won't be, but you just have to wait and see. 

Anyways, here are some photos from my trip. 

Yeah I'm not a great photographer. I pretty much click once and what you get is what you get. 

So this photo is actually of the Nakiska and you can see the colour change on the top of the mountain. All of those lines that looked carved out of the mountain are the routes down the ski hill. When it's covered in snow it's a pretty popular spot for people to come snowboard and ski.

Anyways, I was hoping to add some more photos but it's actually pretty tough to make this work while using my phone!! So you only get two images, sorry folks. I also can't click below this last photo so I am going to end my blog here. I will try and get a few more images, especially of the Inukshuk and our cheers at the highest point we made. Hope you all have a wonderful day. 

Hello Cage friends,

Today I had a few thoughts strike through my brain and there was a clear moment when I had a deep realization. It was a lightning strike kind of moment and even while I was thinking about it the name for a blog popped into my head. I will get to what I had on my mind but first a bit of explanation from the history of my week for a little comprehension. 

So while I was at work a few things happened. First there was a course that I had to do. This course was talking about respect in the workplace and the organization's policies on how to approach BAHD behaviour. BAHD behaviour is speaking about Bullying, Abuse, Harassment and Discrimination. Anyways as it was breaking down certain aspects of how to appropriately approach people and handle difficult behaviour they made a point in the presentation. It was about the fact that bullying and harassment isn't so much about the intention of the joke, or that particular action. It doesn't matter if you were playing around, or thinking "Well this doesn't bother me so why should it bother you?" But the fact of the matter is, how someone feels and interacts with your behaviour has more to do with their lens and how they view that impact. It's also very interesting to think about this topic in reverse, especially when dealing with BDSM and going into areas of play that some people might balk at and go "Ummm that's not okay at all...." 

Because here's the thing. It's not your intention behind the act, (but I feel like this needs to be said very carefully because intention is EXTREMELY important but I will touch on that a tad bit later) as much as it is the bottoms interpretation of that act. 

Example. 

Degradation. There are a lot of people who are a little uncomfortable with the idea. And that's totally fine. It's an uncomfortable subject/kink to discuss because the whole essence of the form of play is to create a difference in power, to have one hold that above the other and degrade them. But is it actually degradation if that person desires to be treated that way? I mean even the simple act of using my hand to impact your skin. If it is craved and expressed as a need, or even just something you enjoy then the response of that person being bullied or harassed isn't there because they do not feel degraded or harmed when you strike them. So long as you have guidelines that have been followed. So long as you follow proper aftercare. So long as you still take the time to understand that this is a human with different emotions and well being each day that needs to be evaluated to determine if what you had in mind would be appropriate for that mental space (this person that holds tremendous importance to you) has that day. 

I guess part of the point that I wanted to bring across is this. That love and appreciation can be shown in many forms, and be received in many different forms. Some people see degradation as a disgusting and vile thing that should not be entered into. And that is absolutely fair for that person. Every individual has the right to set their boundaries over what is right and fair for them. And NO ONE has any say on what and where you will draw the line for yourself. But what has to happen is those you spend time with need to respect your boundaries and ensure that they don't INTENTIONALLY cross that line. 

So let me bring it back to this whole idea of intention. This thought that struck me. 

I was attempted to do my handstand earlier today. I have been working at it and working at it. I am closer than ever to actually being able to master my handstand. The thing is though while I was going through, I encountered a section of time where my dedication was lackluster in regards to achieving this handstand. It has been a goal of mine for so long and I have put effort towards achieving it almost every single day (you know a few days off here and there). Today I managed to find almost the right balance. When I kicked up I didn't over rotate. My hands were in the right position, my shoulders fell into place as well as my hips. I was almost balanced and then I again realized why I had been trying so hard to accomplish this simple handstand. The thing was I had another goal. It wasn't good enough to just stop at mastering my handstand, because that's not my intention. My intention is beyond the current task. My intention goes beyond just taking this one simple chore I have set myself, because my end goal is the free standing hand stand push up. Today I had a clear moment of seeing that I almost had a chance at attempting my true reason for putting in all this hard work. I could almost move onto the next phase of training because my understanding of the fundamentals reached a certain level that allowed me to continue on. But it's still not quite there. So that just means I have more work yet to do in this specific area, and many many others. 

Second example. 

So my house is slightly disastrous. I had an insane amount of dishes and a generally unclean home. But today after I realized that I needed to remember what the intention beyond my task is in order to help motivate me, I saw my dirty house in another light. 

It's not just cleaning up after myself. It's not just cleaning up for me. It's cleaning up and making sure that my property, and all that I own is treated with respect and a level of dedication that can be observed by simply looking at how I treat my property. If an s type were to walk into my home, despite all the smooth sweet words I have told them to get them here they may very well look around (at my house in its current state) and decide that "This fool is nothing but hot air and clearly has no ability to actually do what he says, I mean look at his kitchen. Dirty dishes and gross messes everywhere. He can't take care of anything, how the hell is he going to properly take care of me?" 

The thing is that is not entirely false, and they would have every right to feel that way. Because it doesn't matter what item it is, if you can't show a bit of appreciation for the place you cook your meals, the utensils that are the mechanism to get the food to your mouth, the plate that supports all you desire to eat, and the pan that cooked it all up. If you don't show an appreciation for these small things then why would you show appreciation for someone who requires infinitely more effort and work than scrubbing a fork. Sort of the natural progression of things if you can't add single numbers together how will you mutlitple double digits? 

The thing is I want to show that every part of my life I appreciate and show reverence and the knowledge and ability to care for my property. I want it to be apparent that there is no doubt in my s types mind from the moment they first walk through my door, that this is someone capable, dependable and responsible. There is no need to baby this person because they are already capable on their own. You don't need to hold my hand and neither should I have to hold yours. There is an understanding of ourselves, that self awareness and being able to openly express what you need and desire. In a way that allows space to be heard and to listen. So that we aren't codependent on each other, but can offer ourselves as best as possible to guide and help one another achieve this ideal we have inside our mind. 

Of course we all need to keep realistic expectations especially if this kink is one you haven't actually practiced and merely only had the opportunity to think about. I mean the mind can glorify a task until it seems this unnaturally holy beyond all reason thing, that in reality will never be that pure and fantastic because in reality you actually can't stand the nature of that kink. I mean as an experimentalist when someone brings a new idea that I had maybe thought about and suddenly it becomes visible to you as a potential future, there is a complete difference in the way you think about that kink. It's no longer this phantom "Oh I could never see this occuring to/for me" but suddenly I have a tangible person that actually desires this and would be interested in exploring it with me, and we are currently discussing the fact that this could happen. All those thoughts that were pushed into the back of your mind come roaring forward and it's all you can think about. Suddenly seeing it as a potential reality sparks all that fuel that was lying dormant waiting for the right spark to ignite it all. 

I actually had a moment where this whole lifestyle seemed to just finally make sense to me on a personal level because I was able to witness the formation of desire. I mean to be honest this lifestyle has always made sense to me, I just never saw it as such. But this very particular moment opened my eyes and I gained a new level of understanding, one that which had eluded me before within the grand scheme of what BDSM can offer. 

I was speaking with a very new friend, and during our very enjoyable conversation she mentioned having a vision. As we were talking a thought popped into her head, but it was ill formed and not clear to her. She expressed this to me and attempted to describe what she saw. As she began to describe where she was, there was very little information. She could only give me two things about herself as well. This image is how she desires to see herself expressed through a mutual kink we both share. The thing is she isn't sure what it looks like, and what the final form is. The thing is I am still working on formalizing my vetting process, but in this moment I saw an opportunity. 

When I began to understand that this image is her deepest darkest desire of how she wants to be seen, loved and cherished. It is her desire for herself expressed through this kink, and when I understood this I made a decision for myself. I choose to tell her that she was no longer allowed to tell me anything about this image. This is her private thought, although I can't stop her from sharing it with anyone. The thing is though, I want her to take her time and allow herself a small amount of time each day to work on finalizing this image inside her head. My intention is to have her present this image as a form of offering herself up, and in doing so would be saying "This is me and how I want to exist. This is who I am and who I desire to be." With all of this being said, there is much that needs to be worked through yet. But my hope is that we will continue to talk, and as we talk it will be easier for this image to manifest itself to her. If she is able to remain in my life, and she doesn't get tired of my face, and we don't encounter a deal breaker, or come to the realization we are better off as friends, or, or ,or .... You get what I'm saying any number of things can happen, that may just change your mind. And everyone has the right to say on any day "This is not for me and I am not okay with this, peace." Doesn't matter if it's the first day you are talking or the 10th year of being in a commited m/s type dynamic. Everyone can say no at any time for any reason. So the weight of responsibility should be heavy on your shoulders and if you begin to take for granted what is offered to you, then by rights it should be removed from your life. 

I was told some time ago now, that a submissive worth their salt won't even be recognized for all the million little things she does because she sees what is needed and acts before you are even aware of your own need or desire. So if this person who can anticipate your need and supply it before you even recognize that it's necessary in your life goes above and beyond should you not be willing to do the same? And if you start to slack off and just take for granted the beauty of their service towards you can you say you've truly earned it? Because it is something to be earned every single day. It's not a thing of "Oh well you're mine now, so I can stop doing all the things I did to convince you to get you here."

It's the EXACT opposite. Once you find that connection and build something and see how you want to create together it should fuel more involvement and a deeper connection and further each of you towards your goals and how you see yourselves. It should be something that spurs you on, and invigorates you. Yes it will be work. Yes it will be hard. But the pay off is well worth the damn effort, because she is worth the effort. 

I had another thought. 

Oh I'm just full of thought today hahaha. 

Distance sucks right? You start talking to this person and you begin to spend some time getting to know them. You realize how much you enjoy speaking with them, and how empty your life can be when you aren't speaking. Perhaps you are having a slow day and all you want is to hear that notification on your phone that tells you someone is trying to talk to you. And you look through and you just realize it's your friend Bob from work. And while it's nice to hear from him and see what's going on in his day, ultimately you are extremely disappointed because it wasn't the person you really wanted to speak with. 

But all this time months pass and you continue to get to know each other and that thought that creeps into your mind. I want to see this person. I want to meet and touch and feel them. But there are miles between us. And not a short hop skip and a jump. I mean days of driving, hours of flying, months of walking (Perhaps if you really want to impress someone with your dedication take a few months to walk to them) but that distance becomes a problem for many. The thing is distance is funny. It's also not such a bad thing. Allow me just one more example.

I have a friend. She is an outstanding woman. I find her amusing, strong, resilient, hilarious, tender, and has the largest heart I know. The thing is I very much would love to see her become a bigger part of my life but that is extremely difficult when you are so busy you barely have time for the necessary things in your life much less a conversation online. The thing is despite the distance between us, it became very very clear to me that she is exactly where she needs to be in the world and the universe. I had a chance to be apart of an event in her life. She took the time to record her life and share it with me, along with a few photos. Do you know what struck me the most in all of the photos? Her smile. She was BEAMING, this bright beautiful stunning smile. She was full of joy, and you could see it in her eyes. The pride and celebration she was experiencing. When I saw her smile, I knew she was exactly where she needs to be at the time. She is where she can get herself sorted, where she can be a positive force in her own life, where she can affect change and literally make the entire world a better place. She is making a difference in the world we live in, and she is doing it for those most important to her. Today when I saw her smile, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and joy for her. The thing is as greedy as I am, and as much as I want her in my life she is exactly where she is needed and I can't take that away from her. It's all in your perspective of how to deal with this distance. I am choosing to celebrate that she is happy, and that she is where she needs to be in life. In a way, it's about practicing compersion. Happiness that she is where she should be in life, and happiness that we do get a chance to share with each other. Yes it may not be as much as I want, but she leads a busy life and I can't monopolize all of her time. It's just a fact though that I attach a much higher value to the brief moments we do get to share together because those become more precious considering their rarity. Although all my time that I spend with my friends is precious. Because these are very important people in my life, and ultimately I want to continue to grow each friendship and see what opportunity might just pop up in my life. I want to share my value with those that take the time to do so with me, because I have immense value that I can add into your life. I just need to ensure that those I offer my value to are worthy of what I can bring.

I have to say that I have been extremely fortunate and blessed that those who have entered into my life are sincere, honest and straightforward people. They allow me space to be myself and to show up just as I am, broken and as messed up as that is. They want more and the best of and for me. So I earnestly hope I can help fulfill their lives the way that I feel filled up. Because I have received so much from them. I just want to be deserving of the care and consideration I have been shown. And offer as much back as I feel I have been given. 

I hope you enjoyed this blog, and were able to connect and recognize a few truths for yourself. 

As always, thank you for your time in reading the words I needed to write today. Have an amazing evening, and a wonderful weekend. 

Hello Cage friends,

So I didn't really have a particular topic I wanted or felt the need to discuss today. But I have been struggling lately. For a number of reasons. 

First if you know me, awesome! If not here's a little quick recap. Life is awesome until it's not. Then it kicks you right in the teeth and shits all over you..... 

So this whole year has been exceptionally transformative. I don't know where I would be if some very critical changes didn't occur in my life. But let's start with the best/worst change which was my separation from my wife. 

This was a roller coaster of emotions, leading me into some very dark places within myself. I put myself at risk, and worried/scared my ex with my behaviour because of a number of reasons. 

I finally realized how bad my financial situation was (I knew it was bad, I knew it was unsustainable, but I didn't know to what extent) until I had a friend help me go through all the numbers and realize that I needed to make immediate and drastic changes to my lifestyle and the way I spend my money. 

So on Sunday and Monday, when I woke up I was in a low/negative/self hate spiral. I had very good friends offer me support and their precious time. But I was in a foul mood. Nothing was right and it was all black. 

Dark. Forboding. Ominous. 

The thing is I managed to pull myself up just a little and today when I woke up this morning I wasn't nearly as defeated as the two previous day's. 

The weird part is that I really at this moment don't have much to be upset over. I mean the funny part is that I am in part feeling a lot of negativity because of all the assistance I am receiving right now. I mean that I cannot help myself right now, in the sense that I put myself here and made my choices. I haven't changed much of anything, I am still weighing my options. But I have had unending support from strangers, coworkers, family and my friends. I have had so many opportunities where things just went my way. 

Why does that bother me? Why does that hurt me? 

Because it makes me feel like I'm incapable of being able to handle the situation on my own. Ultimately I need help. I know this. I can't change my situation without some assistance. But I have been searching out all sorts of avenues to improve my finances, my life, my thoughts. The weird part is I had previously put a lot of effort into getting my mind right. I had succeeded, I was seeing myself as I am. I was motivated, and being productive. I was handling my necessary requirements and getting my shit done. 

But here and now, I am faltering within my mind. The previous important lessons I had taught myself and spoke inside my head I had completely lost them. One of the lessons and affirmations that I tell myself is that "I will act with excellence" yet this thought has been left out of my mind for what feels like weeks now. The important things that I need to tell myself were not occuring, I was letting my house fall into disrepair and have not been taking care of what is within my dominion. 

I'm a failure. I am weak. I am incapable. 

These thoughts have run rampant within me, particularly in the mornings. I had been able to curb aspects of these negative self imposed "truths" through out my day and by the evening things were slightly better. That was only due to the kind compassion of those around me. My friends reminding me that I am not those things. Even little things like turning my lights on in my home, instead of sitting in the dark like I have a tendency to do. (I mean who doesn't enjoy the night, fumbling around and bumping into your dogs that just happen to walk in front of you while making your way to your fridge or down the hallway) But I like the dark, and I like to keep my energy bills low by keeping my lights off. My friend pointed out that part of the reason I could be so depressed was because I was spending all of my free time alone in the dark. There is a lot of truth to this, and when I got home last night I made sure to turn on the lights to my living room and it was interesting the difference made. 

The thing is while I am struggling and having this negative mindset I have had abundantly good things show up in my life and I believe I am beginning to see the path forward to gaining control over my finances. It won't be easy, and it will still be a very long journey but I think I at least have a shot at making it happen. But not because of my strength, ability, or decision making. It will because I had to rely and lean heavily on my family. 

A very important friend told me that I need to learn to accept what is offered, as those in my life would not invest in me if they didn't see my value. The thing is when I have found myself at the bottom of this deep pit I have dug for myself, I need help to get out of it. And I have received it. It's there in front of me, I just need to make the decision as to how I will proceed. 

But having abundant help thrown at me can fill this thought that "I'm incapable on my own". I feel like there is very little I can do by myself. I constantly need others help. I mean there is no shame in that, but I feel it. I feel low and weak and nothing because I can't resolve my own issues. I had been getting better at saying "I accept help" but this feels like too much. I feel like a babe, unable to do anything for himself. But I choose to put myself into this thinking. It's because my mind is filled with nothing but negative thoughts and emotions regarding myself. 

Part of the mantras I try and keep up with have to do with being careful what you think, as those become your words. Your words lead into your actions which become your habits. Etc etc. The thing is lately I have had nothing but vile poison in my own head, and regarding myself there is and was no positivity over these last 2 days. I had not thought to act with excellence, that was the furthest thing from my mind. I didn't think about how I am valuable, or calm, clear, quiet, patient, intentional, and confident. I didn't and had not thought positively about myself in anyway. But today I thought back to some of the lessons I taught myself, some of the words my friends have spoken to me, and I am learning to breath slowly and take a moment. 

The thing is though within all of these interactions it is exceptionally difficult as the people I have connected with online are very much deeply important to me in my life. But I have such a limited interaction, we all live busy lives and can't afford the time to spend talking all day. If it's not the fact that we just have things to look after its the difference in time zones, or the fact that technology hates me and doesn't like to send my messages or some other silly reason I am unable to speak with my friends. The thing is I deeply desire to see and interact and spend time with these important people, but I can't always do that and as much as they say reach out, call me, message me, they aren't always there when I reach out. Who knows why they weren't able to look at my message it could be a million of reasons. But just because they don't answer right away doesn't mean they aren't invested and want to help. The thing is though if you are in crisis and reach out and for whatever reason they aren't there, then what do you do? Well that is exactly why I want to build a shield of positivity within my mind. I want to be able to sustain myself, by myself. I want to have control in my life, over my dominion. I want control over my finances, control over my thoughts. I want control. I want to be able to learn to accept the help offered graciously, but I want to learn and be capable of standing on my own without support. 

Yes, I understand we all need help sometimes. Yes, I am in a situation where I require help, but there are plenty of people in the world that need help and no one is there to offer it to them. So what makes me so special? Why does it seem when something goes wrong, down the road you find out exactly how right it was? You just couldn't see it at the time. Why is it when I have a need that there is someone beside me in my life who can offer it? I have been blessed, and I know this. I have my health, I have a decent job that I don't hate. I have all sorts of good and positive things in my life and I receive assistance in the difficult times. Which really has made it such that in the grand scheme of life and what can occur I have had a very trauma free existence. I didn't suffer from abuse, at least not at the hands of my family. I was able to have every opportunity to succeed within academics, sports, other extra curricular activities. My family spent time together playing in the park in the summer, or going ice skating in the winter. There is very little that I have had to struggle through, and even when I did struggle the outcome was such that I should have never worried in the first place. 

Even now with all of the crap going on in the world, all the bad happening for everyone I still have had doors open before me that have made my path tremendously easier. I feel like I somehow ended up with a cheat code that puts life on easy mode, or some ridiculous notion like that. 

It's funny how, I can turn the help I have been offered into some negative thing within my own headspace. I just need to accept that I am worthy of being helped and that I am able to accept what is offered to me. But there is part of me that says "I should be able to manage on my own" still. I just have to make wise decisions when it comes down to it, and make sure that the help offered ends up doing what it needs to because I made the appropriate decisions along with the assistance to get myself out of this hole. 

Anyways, that's all I wanted to ramble on about today. 

Whether that was helpful to you or not, who's to say. But if you took the time to read my words I want to thank you for your participation in my life. Hopefully you will be able to resonate with something I have said today and find some fulfillment and joy within your life. 

Well hello once again friends,

Sooooooo it has been a minute. I have been having some struggles in my personal life dealing with my own demons and the negative headspace that I can fall into. There is a lot going on in my life and working through all of the potential solutions has been a little helpful. 

I had been feeling a little lost over these last days and weeks. I haven't been very vocal and that disappoints me a tiny bit because I enjoy writing and expressing myself and I would like to do it more often. But I'm the type of person that doesn't like to say anything until it has meaning or impact. But sometimes you just need to be able to put your guard down and let go. 

So I got called in to work some extra shifts. Yesterday morning on my drive into work I was not in a good place. I will be honest I have fallen back into my procrastinating, lazy, spend my entire day on my couch doing nothing but watching Netflix, Tik Tok and playing some games. There is just so much about my life that when I am on my personal time and can choose 1000 different things that I want to do I can end up just sleeping on my couch. Waking up, realizing I've just had a nap and then spend the next few hours into the night being wide awake, or trying to crawl into bed to get more rest. 

There is a lot of responsibility that I have ownership over, and in many ways I feel a failure for my inability to handle my situation. But the gentleman I'm working with pointed out to me yesterday, that at the time I did make the best decisions available to me and I never saw 3 years into the future or a year down the road to put me in this place. But my decisions good or bad put me here. I have to accept that. 

So on my drive into work yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed at my lack of action. I had thought to myself well I can take it easy Friday because I will have Saturday and Sunday to get my shit done..... Cue Friday night when my foreman calls me asking if I could work Saturday for sure and potentially Sunday (Well I'm working Sunday too, getting my blog in while hanging out at work hahah) It was such an interesting interaction the way my day transformed. I find when I'm outside of my house I can be much more productive. As I went through my Saturday I began working on emailing, calling and organizing some solutions to my current problems. The thing is I am still working through all of the consequences of each potential solution to make sure I'm not making a hasty decision that actually hurts me more than helps me.

Needless to say, I completely turned my mentality around and even though I was frustrated and angry I managed to keep myself under control. I still need to work on handling my anger appropriately, I need to find positive ways to get that pent up emotion out of my body. Because if I don't allow it to fully release from my system, it holds on in those little corners. Then the next time I get triggered that little bit of extra anger that didn't get cleared out will rear it's ugly head. I'm working on it, and I might have found a really good stress releaser for me. It turns out that I absolutely love singing, and beatboxing. I have been having immense fun playing around with my voice and learning what I am capable of. Although I am still a tiny bit shy in certain circumstances. I will practice a tiny bit at work, but I don't like to annoy my work partners when I'm trying to learn. It definitely is not clean sounding and I make really really weird faces. I would like to see if perhaps I can use my voice to vent my anger, but just a theory and one I will try to implement the next time I feel that rage inside me spiking. 

There were a few other points I wanted to make today. 

So, I was spending some time (you know just a few hours) scrolling through Tik Tok, and I encountered this really awesome video that literally was a slap across my brain and made me pause and think about it. 

So in this video, an African American woman was expressing her viewpoints about the thirst trap videos that a lot of women would make. She expressed the idea that each person is entitled to choose how they present themselves and that it isn't anyone's place to demean or degrade anyone for their portrayal of themselves. The thing was how she worded everything. 

(Of course this is a complete paraphrase and I may even miss the mark of what she said) but she said that the women are objectifying themselves but it's a means of feeling empowered through their sexual energy. It's not being done for anyone but to be empowered. I don't remember how she worded it exactly but it was just a moment that when she used the term objectification a light bulb went off inside my head. Firstly I had the urge to just raise my hand and say well hold up a minute, as someone who enjoys the objectification kink (and the subset of Dollification) I had never really even thought about the women who show off their curves, their bosom, their assets as being objectified but when you consider they are expressing themselves as sexual objects. They are posing and showing off trying to gain a following, make money, or promote their onlyfans accounts, or just doing it to feel confident I really achieved a new sense of understanding of my preference for my kink. 

I had never thought of someone posing for a photo as being objectified. But in essence it really is. For whatever intent or purpose you choose to take that photo, to pose that way, to show off a new outfit you bought, or to express and empower yourself with the sexual energy that you possess it is a form of objectification. The significance of this to me in my life? Well it is how I view that photo. Please understand I do not wish to objectify anyone that is uncomfortable with it, and I absolutely desire consent from anyone who would choose and hope to express themselves this way. The thing is I want my person to feel free, to be able to put on that new shirt or blouse they bought and feel confident, unabashed, unashamed, and empowered that they can be exactly who they wish to be. If it's as simple as showing off a new cosplay, or sharing your essential naughty bits. When you pose, when you choose to take the time to share with me and express that empowered sense of accomplishment you feel within for yourself, I want to bathe within that emotion. I want to see your joy at being objectified, and that confidence you feel within yourself. But I want to take and feed off of that energy, I want to embrace all that you share, whether it's that simple stunning outfit, or your desire to express your sexual energy. It doesnt matter what type of energy is expressed, but I want to celebrate your surrender and your freedom to share all of who you are as my object. *Said with a golem voice* Myyyy precioussssss. 

There was a blog that I read the other day about being a representative and ambassador of the person you serve, or the one who serves you. It was a comment about how our actions are a reflection of those who have shaped us. In similar ways that you might judge someone for how well behaved their dog is, and make a comment about their ability to lead, guide and nurture based on the actions of those you have dominion over. Can you listen? Will you act with integrity and honour? Do you lie constantly? Do you deceive and take advantage of those around you? How do you hold yourself? 

Well as I was turning these thoughts over and over in my mind, I started to begin to see where all of this clicks for me. 

I want my person/s to feel complete freedom with me. I want them to be able to express themselves however they need to and not fear my judgement but be empowered and know they are celebrated for their courage and bravery to show up exactly as they are. I want to help feed their empowerment and celebrate alongside them because I see so much beauty in so many different ways. I mean I can acknowledge good bone structure, regardless of gender, I can spot symmetry which is typically indicative of "good looking" people. So yes there are the general ways that people see beauty, but I also see part of the soul. I see beyond the surface, but the surface doesn't bother me. I have a type that I have enjoyed and am always drawn to. I love women who are short, curvy, very curvy or extremely curvy. I love a large bust size, with an ass that doesn't quit and thiccc legs. I mean in essence BBW are my thing, and have been the type of women I have always been drawn to. So I don't look at someone who might be considered heavyset and go "Ewwww", I just imagine running my hands all over that real estate and where I might be able to travel.

I have spoken with all sorts of different individuals and some men have difficulty getting aroused when the women they interact with aren't up to a "certain standard". The thing is I have had all sorts of intense imaginations about women that some men don't even look twice at. But they have to be honest and upfront about makes them tick, and so do I. I'm not ashamed of the body types I love, honestly I think it makes me more versatile because I can appreciate beauty in all its forms. And I have perhaps a wider range that I consider beautiful than other male humans. 

The thing is I love the energy I can receive from someone who is happy with themselves, confident, knows who they are and what they want. Someone who can handle situations and yet is still wanting to be guided to reach a certain pinnacle that they see as their ultimate triumph. I see beauty in confidence and capability and the thing is it doesn't matter where that talent really lies. Are you good at organizing paperwork? To me that is sexy as hell, because I'm a disorganized person. So I have attached a slightly higher value to "being organized" because it is simply something that is not my strong suit. I have a deep appreciation for those who have talent where I do not, and yes I can admit that sometimes I can be jealous when I see someone do something that I am not capable of. It usually makes me go "Damn, if only I could do that as well as them" The thing is, I have my own talents. They do not always line up with what you are good at, but I am slowly learning to appreciate myself for what I am good at, and to celebrate when someone is talented in an area that is lacking within my life. I am hoping and believing in my potential to improve and looking at the progress I am making, trying to learn to accept where I am in my current level of ability and situation. Accepting that despite the cap of my current skillset today doesn't mean the ceiling won't be a tiny bit taller tomorrow. 

I also tried something pretty interesting although it was a bit intense. I was on YouTube a few days ago listening to music and dancing when Billy Eilish's Bury a Friend came on. The music video is sort of bright whites and then dark shades thrown back and forth in flashing series. 

Well what wound up happening was really interesting. So I was facing my wall, and all of my lights were off in my house. Because of the time of year it gets pretty dark pretty fast around my place, plus since I live in a small community there is not a lot of light pollution so you can see the stars somewhat decently. But it was overcast and the moon must have been hidden behind all sorts of cloud cover because it was very dark in my home. The interesting part was the shadows that were cast from the only light in the room, coming from the tv. As the music video shifts from scene to scene the outline of your shadow shifts and transforms. It felt like such a strong representation of myself and all the different forms I can take, because I have felt like I house a number of different personalities within myself. Not that I have been diagnosed or anything but there just seems to be a lot of variance to my thought pattern, and as I can shift my voice a fair few ways it lends to this idea that there are multiple versions of myself. I found it very fun and enlightening plus it was interesting shaping my shadows and watching the different ways I could create myself. Or the view I had of me. I highly recommend you try it out, so long as you aren't prone to seizures as there are a lot of flashing lights in the music video. I even tried recording a video of how I could make my shadow move, and the way it would shift and transform. You could see all the different sides of me, except for the fact that my recording was a poor imitation of what I was seeing and since it didn't meet my standard I completely turfed the video. I threw it in the trash! Well deleted it. I might try and get a better set up but part of my problem is my light source is mounted to my wall, and I have a couch in the way that prevents a very clear image plus I wasnt able to set up my phone in an ideal spot to catch the recording I wanted. Anyways, maybe one day I will catch exactly what I want, but until then you will have to try it out for yourself. 

There is another song that has been going through my mind often and it happens to be Tessa Violets "Crush"

I don't know why but I freaking love this song right now. It just makes me happy. 

Well time to get back to work and focus on handling my life. 

I hope you all have a wonderful day and were given something to think deep thoughts on. Hopefully my inspiration for my next blog won't take so long. 

Hello deer friends!!! 

It's been a hot minute hasn't it? Elk ya moose!! Sorry it's getting close to hunting season, and I wanted to add a few puns... 

Anyways!!!! 

Life is insane don't you think? What's been going on? 

For me I am going through a whole whirlwind of change and growth. I recently began trying to reach out to just a very small number of people (currently the count is at 2) that live nearby in my area. Part of the reason for that was because I have been a little lonely and missing that physical connection. I am a really touchy type person and when I am feeling lonely that desire to cuddle, to snuggle, to hold hands, to massage and just general skin on skin contact becomes overwhelming. Or it can be. 

But I just had the most interesting experience. 

I have made some amazing friends here, and while I am going through my own ordeals EVERYONE has something they are battling. 

Soap, here's the thing. 

I am working at making changes to get my life in order. First task on the to do list??? Get my furnace fixed!!!! We are getting into colder weather, and as the night time temperatures continue to get closer to below freezing I have legitimate concern over my waterline potentially bursting if it gets too cold. I am ridiculously fortunate to have my family who have offered their support because without it I would not be getting my furnace installed tomorrow. 

That's right!!! Tomorrow at 9 am, I am supposed to be getting the old broken thrown out and the new installed. 

So that is extremely excellent and necessary in order to help satisfy my concern and worry over the well being of my household. 

I also had a few moments of realization that I would like to share. 

So if you have spent any time reading my blogs you will know that my ex and I are separated and hopefully going to begin the process to divorce at some point. The thing was did struggle a little bit with my feelings towards her because we have radically changed over the last few months. There was part of me that was hoping to see that old flame rekindle. But that relationship had a cracked heat exchanger (points for referencing a broken furnace to a somewhat broken relationship???? Maybe....) The thing is our relationship wasn't great. I caused a lot of issues and beyond that when I was in that relationship the weight of "not being enough" was insane, soul crushing, near impossible to continue to bear. Which is why when we first separated I had joy at being free, at being able to choose my path for myself. I had forgotten that feeling and kept looking back to the old good times we had together. But the thing is I had my chances. I had 10 years of her attention and devotion. But it wasn't right. It wasn't the right fit for her and for me. We have an established friendship, and I still gain value from her interactions. But it's different because it's the value added by a friend and not your significant other. So adjusting to that difference has been a tad bit difficult somedays. With all that said though, I am finally ready to accept the present situation. It's time for that new furnace. A new beginning. 

I thought that my new beginning would involve those people closest to me. Those that I could touch and feel. 

You know what I found out??? 

Not the case at all. 

I have found my songbird and my alley cat. Two people who have never once made me feel like I wasn't enough. Two people that have filled my life with abundant joy, laughter, growth, development, and song. They fill my soul with light and a peace that I haven't known. 

My songbird may be many miles away, but when she sings I feel her presence beside me. She had to take some time for herself lately and I didnt really realize how deeply I missed the interaction with her, until today. She is feeling unwell, and with all that is going on is still doing all that is required of her for her job and the very important people in her life. But today, I received a message from her. It was the darndest thing, because when I saw her smile at me..... I saw joy, and a sparkle in her eye. I saw the depth of all her emotion within that briefest of seconds. That flash of a smile, that light and exuberance behind all that she is. It filled me. I didn't long for anyone, I didn't feel any desire to reach out. I was completely at peace. I was filled with her love and I knew it, and there was no need to look further because it is there in abundance. It was such a peculiar thing, because of these last few days all I have wanted was to reach out and feel someone close. In that moment, when she smiled at me with pure joy I never felt closer to anyone despite the physical distance between us. All my want to touch and feel connected just vanished because I am connected to my lovely songbird. I hear her voice and I can feel her beside me. I also have my own very personal ways that I connect to her. I have a reminder of who she is always on my person, and since putting on this physical reminder of her I use it to send my thoughts and energy to her whenever I think of her. You can imagine that would be a time or two throughout the day. I love when my songbird decides to share her music, it is always so amazing to hear her talent. I love listening to her voice and the way she expresses herself through her song. It doesn't matter if she is sick, her voice still comes through crystal clear and I feel it within the depth of my soul. 

So here's the thing though, my songbird isn't mine. I have hopes and dreams of a future together, but she has been through a lot and isn't in a place to enter into any form of a relationship. I don't want to pressure her, I don't want to make something up that isn't there for her. She is just learning to spread her wings again and I can't stand in the way of her progress. She needs to be given every chance to find her happiness, and I want her to find it. Yes I desire to be her choice, but I also can't rush her into a decision. She needs to freely choose me all on her own. She needs to decide if she wants to be caged by me. Again, there should be no timeline assigned to this. It has to be when she is ready, when she has handled all that is required of her. Luckily that time affords me the same opportunity because my life is only *slightly* messy right now. (Understatement of the year....) I believe to know what our potential could be, but at the same time practical experience could potentially change that circumstance. All I know is how she fills me, I know the depth of the care that she has for me. I know that she is someone very very special, and even if we do not enter into a dynamic she is someone I desire to know for the rest of my life because she adds immense value to my existence. 

As for my alley cat.... She is a god damn trooper!!!! Holy hell, has she struggled and endured things I can only imagine. It shocks me to see such a strong woman tell me often how "I'm nothing special, there are a million like me". She couldn't be farther from the truth. She is struggling right now, and I can see parts of it even though she tries to hide it. She puts up a wall of "I can't express myself", and has told me she isn't so good with words and being all touchy feely. The thing is I see her words through her actions, and I see that she has tried to keep me at a distance. To protect me from herself. Because she is a storm and leaves nothing but destruction in her wake. I had a friend tell me of an experience where her prospective person that she deeply desires to create a dynamic with allows her to be that wild girl, that stubborn mess and when she is finished he just says "you done?". Well I feel like I can take a page from his book, because when my alley cat is causing nothing but pandemonium all around there is a calm in the eye of that storm. She feels like everything becomes a mess, a giant pile of fecal matter that is her fault. The thing is she needs my support now more than ever. She endured a dangerous situation that caused her to change her whole life, and now that danger has reentered her space. It took 5 years, but this absolute firestorm is coming back. She needs a place to tether to. She needs to become grounded but most importantly she needs to look out for herself and hopefully manage to stay safe. It's extremely difficult to know this situation is at hand and there is nothing I can do to protect her from the danger that is beside her. I mean sure I can make jokes and be silly and try my best to distract her, but I'm terrified. She may not say the words but I know how important our interaction is to me, and I would like to believe she feels the same way despite the fact that she will audibly dismiss what we have. I don't blame or resent her for it, I know it's a struggle for her to admit her feelings and perhaps it's because she has never experienced anything like our interaction before. But I feel it. I know it's there. The thing is you need all sides to say "This is what I want and need". The thing is I need to be chosen freely. I need to be the person that you can't hold yourself back from and surrender to the idea of that choice. Again, I can't make that decision for anyone else. 

I know where I'm at. I am seeing the value and importance of both my songbird and my alley cat. I see the potential of what could be. Although it's not quite clearly defined yet but that in part will come when we can openly discuss our plans for the future. Because it requires feedback in order to be fine tuned. I'm not in the market of creating a blank fit this, become this. I want to take what you have, what is already within you and allow it space to exist freely. I want to increase the value received and experienced for all of those that spend time with me. I want to continue to grow and develop and strengthen my abilities. 

Both my songbird and my alley cat may be miles from me. They may not be able to feel my touch but I want to experience it with them someday. I used to say "Oh I just want to hug someone, I just want to cuddle someone, I just want the chance to massage someone" but it isn't someone that I desire to do all that with. It is specifically these two that I have grown with, that have helped me to become a better person. More sure of myself, more confident in what I need and want. They have caused me such immense joy, and they are so deeply important to me. The thing is, you can say all sorts of words. You can express how talented and true to your word you are. But part of all of this isn't just saying the right things, but following through with the action that matches your words. I read a meme a while back and while the specific wording eludes me the essence of the message was this "A Dom can say that you matter, but proving it by waiting for you is another matter". The thing is I have made my impatient alley cat wait. We have tried to look at ways to see each other and interact in person but each attempt had some hiccup that didn't quite make it work so we pushed back the timeline, and again and again. The thing is, I can wait as long is needed because when we do finally connect it will be a fulfillment of many of our desires that might just alter forever how we see each other. 

As for my songbird, there is a number of reasons but suffice it to say she will require my absolute determination to remain patient and waiting for her. It will take years, and I know and understand this. But she is someone that is worth the wait, and I hope to prove to her exactly what that means for me.

So for all my ramblings today, I guess the thing that I really want to say is that I am a complicated person. I have many sides to my puzzle piece and as I have thought about my desire and needs it seems like there is an absolute contradiction within myself. Yes I am a switch, but I also desire an m/s type dynamic. Perhaps there is someone out there that can maintain an m/s type dynamic while being able to switch but those two things literally contradict each other. You can't retain control and give it up. At least I haven't experienced anything like that. So when I see the puzzle piece that is me, and how I want those that are very important to fit into my life I see how my songbird fits the side of me that requires control. But I see how my alley cat fits the side of me that would allow my submissive side room to come out. When I think about both of these important women in my life, I see how they fit and fill my needs. I see how they connect and make me whole. The more I explore and think on the situation the more I feel that I am poly not only within my dynamic but in my life. This is a scary realization but at the same time I believe this is me. I believe this is honest. Is there a chance I'm wrong? Well with me, there is always a chance I am wrong. But part of life is finding the experience to prove what you know about yourself. I look forward to finding out, and seeing what will occur within my future. I'm excited for where I could end up, although I am realistic and understand that I am only a friend. I hold no power, I hold no sway. I am realizing what I desire to choose, what my choice is, but I can only make my decision. 

Now we sit and wait. 

We observe and work towards developing the interactions we have cultivated. To see what might grow out of the effort put forward. In the hopes that these budding relationships will turn into full bloom. 

Only time will tell. 

I hope you are well today and that you find peace on your path. As well, thank you to those that have taken the time to read this, I appreciate your time and I hope you found some value in my words today. 

Hello again friends,

I hope you are well this evening. I just finished my day at work, I'm finally home and able to relax on my couch for about 2 minutes before I should get my evening going. I've been wanting to write a blog but lately it seems I have been at a loss as to what I should be writing about. 

The thing is writing is for me. It has to because as much as I wish to express myself and have people hear my words, and experience joy, gain knowledge and value into their life I can't actually make that happen. 

At all. 

All I can ever do is be me, authentically and as openly as possible. 

So today, I had a few thoughts running through my mind. It had to do with my ex, and how similar we are in many ways. The things we desire within a dynamic or relationship are pretty similar. The thing is I had 10 years to "get it right" and I never really did. Not the way she needed. Not the way she expected. 

Even now, I wonder if perhaps I might be more suited to fitting into her life but the thing is I do fit into her life. I'm her friend. We had our chance and it's gone now, she is moving onto bigger and better things for her and I am as well. 

Allow me to give one example, with my ex she requires cuddle time. The thing is she doesn't need it to be anything more than cuddle time. It doesn't have to go anywhere for her, it doesn't need to lead to sex. Sometimes that is exactly what she wanted and needed. Was just someone who would cuddle with her without taking it further. 

Throughout all of the separation and the time I've spent by myself I have realized how much I desire to cuddle. I want to feel the closeness of those that I've interacted with. I want to be someone who can sit on a couch with my person and have that be enough. 

Despite our desires aligning, I still wasn't capable of offering her the cuddle time she required. 

The thing is I desire to be able to offer whatever is required. Honestly in so many ways to those I spend time with and choose to spend time on, I want the best of myself. I want to offer the best of my ability, the best version that I am capable of bringing. I want to embody "the best" of everything. I want to bring the most joy into your life, the most happiness, the most support, the best support.

I want to succeed, and success is being reliable. Dependable. Trustworthy. It is being capable. Not just for the other person but for myself. 

I have been working through some of these feelings of how do I handle other people? I remember reading a blog many moons ago when I first found this website. It was titled "Investigate" (I think) and I do not remember the author of the post. But in it the critical point was brought up about asking why? His focus was on the dynamic when an s type perhaps failed a task. The importance was on finding out why they failed. Asking around and looking at all the options and try to determine if there was a reason for that failure that was perhaps an oversight on the d types part. Or any other reason. But the important part was about showing your s type that you aren't looking to punish her. You are methodically evaluating what happened and WHY. 

The thing is, I've put my noodle space power behind this idea and realized the critical part isn't just in asking your s type why, but yourself. 

What is the intention behind this task set before your s type? Why are you getting them to *insert task here*? Do you have an intended goal? What's the gameplan for moving from this task to the next? What's the guidelines and where will be the destination? What is your intention behind all of this? 

The thing that you need to be aware of is why you are asking your s type for whatever you're asking them for. 

One issue that I'm currently running into, is my intentions for my desire. I am beginning to understand what I like more and more. I'm beginning to make amazing friends and learn about those I spend my time with. I'm beginning to find friends who have similar kink that I do and yet I find myself wondering will it be the same as my ex?

How is this different this time? Have I made enough progress within myself to be different and act differently? Because I made some very poor choices in my past relationships. 

I can't and won't hide the fact that I have made many mistakes. 

The thing is I wanted to be everything for my ex, and that sense of desire to be all for someone is still there. I want to be everything. I can't actually do that. All I can do is show up, and be me.

Is that enough? Will I be seen? Will the similarities that coincide between me and those that have interest in me actually be the same? Would I be capable of offering that which is required, desired, requested? 

The thing that's terrifying to remember throughout all of this though? ANYONE can say "No, this isn't working for me" for whatever reason. It seems people tend to forget this, as much time as we may dedicate to getting to know someone you have to realize there is potential that you can and have every right to say "This isn't the right fit for me", regardless of how many hours, days, months or maybe even years you have spent cultivating a relationship together. I mean hopefully it's a "This isn't the right dynamic but we can still be friends" because let's be honest if you have spent every day talking for the last year and a half or even a few months, you should know that person pretty well and hopefully consider each other friends. It would hurt to retain that friendship and it is a huge struggle to maintain that boundary. But you have to respect the other person enough to say "I might be wrong for you". 

I mean with my ex if I could have been honest with her at the beginning at least she could have had perhaps 9 years to find someone she could actually be happy with. Because ultimately I wanted her happiness. Of course I wanted her happiness to come from me, (I have since realized how broken that thinking is) but I wanted to be the reason she smiled. I wanted to be the reason she had joy in her heart. I wanted to be the thing that answered her problems, gave her hope, and love, and the care she needed. 

I want this for all those I interact with. I want to be the best me possible, and I want to be someone that adds value to your life in my own unique way that no one else can copy. I want to add immense value, that fills and exceeds everything else that has been offered before. I want to create a unique interaction that regardless of your level of experience is something new and exciting for you. Despite my desire to be all things I honestly can't ever be that. I can't be more than who I am, and I am not more capable than where I'm at right now. 

Do I have potential to be more? Well everyone says so. So is it possible that tomorrow or months or years from now I might live up to that full potential? I hope so. 

That is my earnest desire. To be unmatched in my ability to be all for those that mean the world to me. 

Will I achieve that? 

I can't say. I'm not a mind reader, nor can I see into the future. What I CAN do is work on being better today than I was yesterday, with plans of being better tomorrow. 

I have to change the way I view the word "No" and the fear of hearing those I spend my time with saying it. It's necessary to say no sometimes, and sometimes it's the most correct answer. 

With this in mind though, "At anytime they may choose to walk away" the opposite is also true. "At any time they may choose me".

So let's say you do get picked. 

The thing is the question shifts to "You have chosen me but this day will you choose me again?" Dynamics that last years are still built one day at a time.

Remembering that is important. 

I feel like sharing some of the music I listen to. 

Just a few songs that will populate my ear holes that I choose to listen to. 

Have a wonderful evening everyone. 

So, this is my second post for the day. 

Disclaimer *Cannabis is being used in the production of this blog*

There is freedom in being yourself. Freedom in accepting what it is you love in life. 

I just read a blog in which a man proclaimed his love of his kink. It was a small piece of what BDSM is, in a very isolated region of where interest lies. But he was able to stand proudly and proclaim what it is he has enjoyment and what he loves. Regardless of its popularity, it's part of him. 

I may not have interest in his kink, but I can respect someone for standing up unabashedly for what they love. That takes guts. It takes fortitude that few people have, especially knowing that it is not widely practiced.  

I want to live my life with that unabashed love and passion. I want to celebrate all of the things that I love. 

Part of my problem is that my list of "have experienced" is next to nothing. While my list of "to be tried" extends beyond my arm. In part I want everything because I've tried next to nothing. I still have no idea how I will truly react in any situation. 

I have found myself in a position where I have chosen to isolate myself, although I find out tomorrow about how my future will look. A decision will be made and my future sealed. Of course where I wound up here is because of the choices of my past. They always have consequences. 

I had a friend of mine from work once tell me "Ask yourself, if I do this what will be the consequences 3 years, 5 years, 10 years down the road before you take action". The thing is I have witnessed that statement come true in a multitude of ways in my life. Most of them are negative now because my choices reflected poor decision making. They were self gratifying in the moment but had monumental impact in the long run. 

The thing is I've made mistakes that have caused all sorts of torment, and not the fun kind. 

I've owned up to my past and I have been able to put it behind me finally. That being said as we move forward we all evolve. So a friend from 6 months past might now after working through some things might be a much closer fit than you imagined. But every opportunity has to begin with a choice. 

The thing is I've realized that no matter what it's not your decision to make. You can't make any choice for any person unless they have put that responsibility on your shoulders with consent, negotiation, and all the other important aspects of developing a dynamic that could withstand the test of time. 

(If you happen to be reading this and have no idea what proper aspects to consider when beginning an interaction with someone please send me a message and we can have a discussion) 

One thing a very dear friend once told me " If someone is right for you today, they will be right for you years from now" I believe she is correct, in that if someone who is right for you and is truly meant to be in your life then regardless of when you actually get to physically see them if that happens to be years in the future it will occur because it was meant to happen. 

The thing is we can't live in the future. We only have the present and today in which we can live. We just need to do our best to be honest, authenticate and open about who we are, and what we love. 

Hope you all have a wonderful day