This one is NOT about food

Hello Cage friends,

So today I wanted to take a minute and have a laugh. Although I already have it's truly wonderful to be able to just laugh or have a light chuckle about something. Today I have been in a very light mood, chuckling at myself for ideas of blogs, speaking with coworkers about the difference an attitude can make, reading fellow cagers insightful posts, as well as the funny memes that some of you have shared today. 

It's very important to smile, and laugh. To have that in our life and especially as the world collapses around us. We need to reaffirm the positivity within us. Allow it to exude to those around us and change the energy of our surroundings because WE are the difference. 

I spoke with a coworker about the satisfaction I have felt, about how the self loathing I had for myself about the things I liked is no longer there. Now I am able to accept myself and understand that I am perfectly normal, within all the constraints of what normal actually is. Normal for me, normal for what I am, normal for who I am. 

It was asked of me by a friend many weeks ago now, what are the best qualities within myself that I see. What is it about myself that I treasure and feel are my true strengths. 

I have a few and while I will express them at some point today is not quite that day yet. But they are there, and my understanding of myself is growing. Partly because I am refocused on myself, but partly because I am not looking at myself with such a self depreciating view. I am simply learning to see who I am a little more unfiltered. Because the lens I choose to place in front of myself warped all of the positive things into negative ones. And the negative ones became monsters that I couldn't escape from. But I did that all to myself because of how I choose to view myself through that self loathing. 

But I have been doing some deep navel gazing as it has been called, that self evaluation of my desire. I read a post this morning that completely opened my eyes to how short sighted I was being in exploring my deepest desire. When we think about what we desire it usually has a tinge of kink, sexual, and erotic undertones that you imagine what are my sexual desires. Yes you need to think on these things and understand yourself within them. But there is much more to desire than purely our carnal needs. One of my deep desires I have found to realize is the importance of food. Not just for sustenance. Not just for nourishment. But the closeness food can bring and represents for me. I need a woman who loves to cook, who wants to cook for me, with me and who will endure what I make for her. Part of this need arises from the dinners my family spent together, each speaking about our day and what went on. What we think on certain topics and it was a time to connect and be close with family because we all had to eat, so why not eat together and make it something special. I've understood that I don't just want someone to make me my food every night, although depending how often I am working it may be required somedays. I used to work 16 hours and coming home to have to make a meal was exhausting. Not only was the quality poor, it felt like a chore. But I love to cook, I love to create and I have a very unique sense of taste. Honestly many of my tastes including my sexual preferences can be a little out there, but I am finding those people who align with what I thought was near impossible for someone else to want and need as much as I do. 

But to cook. To have those in my life who want to make food for me because it's a passion of theirs, who will allow me the opportunity to stand beside and learn from them, and to allow me to reach for the pickle jar when I want to add something just a little bit extra to the sauce. I would even love the chance to compete against those within my household to see who can bake a better tart, or make a better dinner. 

My mom when I was a little boy, when she was making a dessert would give each one of my siblings a small piece of pastry. And we each had the chance to make our own little whatever we wanted. It was something special that we would do and at the end of it to look and say "I made this dessert" was a very fulfilling thing in my life. I would love to be surrounded by those who enjoy good food as much as I do, who would be willing to compete against in a light hearted and fun way, who want to bring and connect all of us together through cooking and eating. I mean even the potential of losing could be the punishment of having to clean up the dishes or perhaps another type of punishment might be administered. Although chances are I would be the one required to fulfill those punishments more often than not. ^^^^ Reference above the pickle jar 

So not only does that deep soul searching help us find those trivial but essential needs of our lives there is also another question that had been rolling around often within my brain. 

The thought was this, "How do I know whether I am a dominant or a Master?" What's the difference and where, when, how do you know where you stand? Am I a dominant or a Master? I would like to share with you not my words but those of a much wiser and more experienced individual than I. I have been blessed with amazing and talented friends and acquaintances who have much more experience and knowledge than I do. This man I have had the pleasure of beginning to know very slightly and while these words of Master Arach are a rendition of a man he sought out Guy Baldwin I found them instrumental in understanding my own desire and need. 

"The best advice I can give here comes from a Wiser man than I. He said that a Dom, when he wants to play, starts up his Dominant engine and plays with his skill and with his knowledge for his and his partner's enjoyment. A Master's engine is running all the time. Sometimes in neutral, but always running. When a Master plays, he plays with his skill, knowledge and his RESPONSIBILITY for his and his partner's enjoyment AND FOR THEIR INDIVIDUAL GROWTH AND THE GROWTH OF THE RELATIONSHIP."

When I heard these words there was a switch that was flipped. Seeing these words and connecting them to my own beliefs and feelings deep inside me finally felt like I achieved a very Eureka moment. In so many ways I felt like I was stuck in neutral. Like I was in this limbo of just not understanding. With that moment clarity was achieved and I realized the important of the last line. The responsibility for his and his partners enjoyment and for the growth of the individual and the growth of the relationship. 

I have found in my own life, and from listening to stories of those around me that being stagnant can cause dynamics to collapse. Not seeing a future or having a vision of "we are working towards this collectively" can cause huge issues. Take for example my marriage with my ex. Now of course let me say this first, there were many reasons our relationship ended. But I absolutely believe that a large part of that dissolution came from not having any idea of where to go to. I had reached an apex of my want and saw no vision for a future of where to go and where we were was also not one of agreement between us. I mean when I was playing at being dominant I did not understand any of what was required, what was necessary on my part, and I did nothing more than instadom with her. It was poorly thought out, poorly executed and caused nothing but more issues. 

I do not just want to create enjoyment, I want to create constant growth. I know I am not a Master yet, but I feel much more aligned with a Master's beliefs and intentions. I believe that is the more appropriate path that aligns with my personal beliefs but I have a long long way to go before anyone can call me a Master. I also feel like it would be something that I can never call myself, as I do not have the right or knowledge or ability (yet) to call myself that. The only time I may begin to consider giving myself that title is when I have been able to prove to myself that I am capable in all ways that a Master should be. 

Honestly I could see myself refusing the title a few times over out of fear of being seen as incompetent and unable to truly match the dedication of that of a Master. But it is my goal to one day not only earn that title with those who serve me, but to see it within myself as true. 

There is a difference between being told you are someone who is attentive, and feeling and knowing yourself to be attentive. Many times I have heard words that my friends have told me and immediately disregarded them as false and untrue because I couldn't see what they saw. I didn't allow myself to see it there within me, because I was a piece of shit no good low life who was a useless human etc etc. It used to go on and on from there, spirally deep down into a vortex of negativity that could take me days to pull myself out of. 

I am fortunate to no longer hold that type of lens to myself. I am fortunate to have put in the effort to appreciate who I am and learn to love myself for all that I am. I still have room to grow in this area, but it's nothing like I used to be. 

I also requested some insight into the process of knowing what is correct for this person and how do I know if I'm doing the right thing by them? 

Master Arach's response was such "...how do I know if this might be the right decision for this person?" An excellent question and one that should consistently be asked. You listen. You talk with them. You test your propositions. You learn from them. You give them a taste and ask. You allow them room to question." He reiterated later on in the message the process of Talk, listen, test, and learn. 

The thing is each person is completely different. We all have different love languages and how we experience and receive and feel love. It's important to first know those you hope to guide, understanding them and being able to listen to what they tell you. Observe and watch if their actions line up, take the time to begin to fully know them. Once you seem to understand this mythical person with all their complexities, you then offer a test. Big or small, in small ways that you can witness their responses. Was it received well? Did they find value in that slight interaction. Did it grow them? Did it grow you? Did it grow each other together? Yes or no is irrelevant, the important part is to take the lesson and learn. To take that information gained and apply it to the next approach. To continuously improve. 

We are all human and we all make mistakes. But it's how we correct our course, it's how we act in failure that shows our true strength of character. It's how we move forward and guide those who have placed their trust in us along beside us. 

I thank you for taking the time to read my ( and not my) words today. Hopefully you found some value or insight that allows for growth in your own journey. Have a wonderful day. 

Hello Cage friends,

Today I had a bit of growth to achieve. If you happened to read my latest blog there is a bit of a discrepancy that I feel I must bring up.

Allow me to preface this with a little insight. No matter where we are it is wise to listen to those who have more experience, and when presented with new information that changes how you view things you need to consider that you don't have all the answers. There are people who have a wealth of knowledge found through error, and those who know what they speak of because they have gone through it themselves. It is prudent to listen to those who bring wisdom into your life despite the emotional feeling that may spring up from learning that information.

Yes I will admit my last blog was a tad bit confusing. But I don't believe it was wrong in anyway. Where I believe I made a grave error was in my word choice. The title I gave my blog was d/s friendship. Really it should have been d/s relationships. There is a very critical point to be made and understood. Friendship is different than the vetting process, and different than mentorship. It is the intention behind the reason of that process. You can become friends with anyone, based on common interests. But mentoring is yes in my mind a type of friendship but as a mentor there is much more behind it. It is meant to guide another into themself. To further their progress and bring them out of some misgivings or correct wrong thought processes. It is meant to garner growth within a similar field or area that you both find yourselves in. 

Vetting is a very intentional process of "I like you more than I realized and I want to pursue something greater". 

These are relationships and while friendship could be apart of both vetting and mentorship THEY ARE NOT FRIENDSHIP. It is something else entirely but the thing is friendship can be wrapped up and embedded within both the vetting process and the mentorship process. Doesn't mean that it always is, simply put you could ask a stranger to mentor you, just as you can ask a stranger to begin vetting. 

Now time to switch gears here. 

When I first stepped foot onto the cage I experience the typical Dom frenzy that is likely to occur. New sights, sounds, smells and interactions to be had in abundance. You kind of get that glazed look of a kid in a candy store and lose your mind just a bit. 

Well it's been a while and I have shown tremendous growth within myself and met amazing wonderful fantastic people that I see being apart of my life for the rest of my life. 

Here's the thing.... 

I hit another level of Dom frenzy and it has been distracting me from my ultimate current goal. 

For the first time I have been able to envision these friends in my sphere of influence and yet the picture of that future is very muddled. There are about a billion reasons why I don't have a clear vision for my future and a big part of that is the future constantly shifts. Who knows that the friends I have today may very well find their perfect matches and that may very well not be me. Don't get me wrong, we will remain friends and I hope with permission to remain friends but the simple truth of the matter is that they may find some other dominant or individual that fulfills them completely. I want nothing more than their happiness and for them to find it with whoever they most need in their life. The hard truth is that may not be me, but if I am able to retain their friendship, and the value they add to my life then I will still benefit from them. Just not in the way I had imagined. 

Here's the other kick to the teeth.

I've hit a second level of Dom frenzy.

It was sparked by the sudden realization that I desire to have these people in my life and can see them there. Even if the photo is fuzzy. I mean in an intimate, dynamic fully realized sort of way. 

But in being so consumed with these thoughts of how will this future look, what steps should or could I take to get these people to this figment of my imagination I have lost all sense of myself. I am not thinking in terms of ME, I am thinking in terms of these specific faces and how would I do this for them, with them, beside them. 

I have hit this Dom frenzy that has sparked my imagination and while that is a wonderful thing, it's pulling my attention away from what is most important to me right now in my journey. 

It's that I still don't know myself. I still don't understand my deepest desire and from that I have no will that I can use to be the guide for the submissives of my life. 

The thing is I am getting so focused on the faces of those I hope will be in my future, but the true reality is that they may not be. 

I need to work on building my culture, understanding my deepest desire and creating the will that must be the driving force for my intention. 

If I don't focus on what I want, and what my desire truly is then I am lost. Because sure I could have a kinky idea pop into my head, and spew it out loud and say "This is what I want". But that's just a kinky thought. It holds very little merit of my will, and doesn't speak to my intention. Sure I could bring that forward to an s type, and maybe they might agree and be all onboard to participate and that is wonderful. But that just being a top. That's just expressing a kinky thought. It may or may not align with my true desire. 

Please don't misunderstand me, if that's what you are about then have at it. Express your kinky self however you choose to.

But my choice is of a little harder path. I'm not simply looking to do kinky things. I want to find myself, I want to know what it is that I want and need out of the people in my life. I want to understand myself and not rush this process. I need to begin within before I attempt to mold without. Because if I don't understand myself and my desire then as I push the plaster and attempt to create my submissive within that image there is no vision. The will and intention behind pushing that plaster around holds no meaning and I am simply playing in the mud making a mess. But I am making a mess of a very real live human, with emotions and hurts and trauma. I could be triggering them and all because I am poking and prodding around needlessly. 

The thing is you can ruin your reputation and view of yourself so easily. One simple but significant mistake may be all it takes to skew the view of all of those around you. I am not looking to make mistakes. I seek perfection. But that's an impossible thing to accomplish, unless I know myself and what I begin to look for is that perfection for me. 

Sooooooo,

All of this to say. I need a reset. I need to ground myself again. I need to stop worrying about the people I could potentially see in my future because it's not the future. It's today, it's the present. I have much more pressing issues to attend to first and foremost. 

I need to find my desire, and find the will of intention that I want to use to begin my journey and those that put their faith, and trust in me to guide them with. Not some silly little idea that just popped into my head despite how fun I might think it is. I want to facilitate growth and not just for myself but for the individual that has decided to give of themselves to me. I want to crystallize that vision, and work towards it. But doing so the proper process is to look within, and find your will. To find yourself and know thyself. 

I always speak about being understood. Expressing myself so that those I speak with understand what I am trying to get across to them. 

But I've overlooked the simple fact that I don't understand myself. I'm rushing ahead trying to create and manifest these future situations and yet I don't even understand myself. That is folly, and what lies in waiting for me is nothing but destruction if I don't take a moment and calm the frenzy I have been feeling. 

They say to master patience and you will master everything else. Well that requires being patient with yourself. That requires holding back and removing part of the emotional connection that makes you make rash decisions. I'm not saying to disconnect emotionally from those around you, but simply realize when you are being driven by emotion. That you may not make the best decision for all involved because you are using your bodies responses to drive and fuel your desire. You need to pause, and breathe. You need to let your desire fuel your will, and allow the emotion to be built upon the subsequent actions. 

So yes I need a reset. I need to clear my mind of the futures I wish for, and focus on reality. The reality is there is still work to be done within myself, and for me and where I am at I need to focus on that as my primary objective instead of getting distracted by the potential futures I would like to see. 

I hope you have found some insight with my words today, and I thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Have yourself a day. 

Hello Cage friends,

I must say it's been a minute. I've had this thought brewing and then compounding for a while now and I have reached a few realizations. A few very key important steps in the process that I did not handle as well as I could have. 

I also reached out to some very smart people who have been able to offer me wisdom and words that I also wish to share and the understanding of myself that has come with them. 

Plus a few other bits and bobs of thoughts that will have nothing to do with anything. 

I hope you're ready. 

So to begin, let's speak on something that I got wrapped up in that could have turned disastrous. We all know and acknowledge that this search to find people in our lives is an important one. We aren't just looking for someone to fill our time with. We are looking for the right someone(s). For those that begin the search you take your time, and you can't rush this. There has to be a pace to the process and I remember reading a blog (and being reminded recently) that there really is a process to this whole freaking schtick. 

You can express your interest that you have with someone with a collar of consideration, followed by a training period, and if all goes well you can lead into a commited, contracted D/S dynamic and that is the end goal for many of us. 

But what about the friendship? What about all that time leading up to the collar of consideration? 

I've been thinking on this and wanted to write about this for a long time now and I finally have most of the pieces that I wish to express about this situation.

I'm talking about friendship within this lifestyle. I'm talking about the difference that I have seen with my limited time here and my limited interaction within the lifestyle and the difference between vanilla friends and d/s friends. 

I have lost many vanilla friends and it's a sad thing to realize that all of my childhood friendships no longer exist in my life. Those in my past do not have any bearing in my present but who's to say I may not bump into them in the future. But I found friendship odd, and it was always something that I felt like my friends never really wanted to spend time with me. Either it was so they could get something from me (I used to smoke cannabis with my best friend but in University the only time we really spent together was when he needed to smoke, but I was fine with that at the time because of the situation I was in) but I very rarely had friends then and even now (within my vanilla relationships) that will reach out to me with an invitation. Honestly I don't get invited out to much. As a kid I remember spending my weekends calling around asking if *persons* could come and play, or if I could come over and hang out. Do you have the time? Will you reach out? Are you free? Can I come over? But in most cases I had to initiate the conversation, the interaction. I got tired of it. So at one point I stopped reaching out and I began to sit in my room in the basement playing videogames of my parents house. 

Even now, the friends that I work with host parties and I tend to "hear" about it. But to me hearing about an event that's going on and being invited to that event are two completely separate things. I hated being a nuisance, a bother that just tagged along. I wasn't invited and therefore I wasn't wanted. At least that's the way I have seen it in my life and been made to feel (not by anyone's direct words, choices and actions but because that's just the way I view things) I've been told that there is a blanket "You are invited if we are doing something" but I have one legitimate friend that I work with who actually will take the time to come to me and say "Hey, we are hosting this for this reason you should come if you have the time". Although we haven't spoken even within the last few months but my schedule keeps me isolated from interacting with the people I work with. I'm usually gone before them, or after them. Or around when very few other people are. But I don't mind this, I enjoy my schedule. I like being away from drama and the insanity that people can bring. 

Okay, so you have seen a part of my past and the interactions I have had and *not* had. In many ways my own views restricted my interactions but it felt like I was the only person putting in the effort to make the friendship work. I got sick of trying, of putting in the effort so I stopped. For a time. 

Now let's take a look at d/s friendships. Part of d/s friendships are very different. It's not just a friendship. It's part of the process. It's part of the selection process for finding who you enjoy spending your time with. It's part of weeding out those who are not worth your time, or those that are worth your time but may have big deal breakers that need to be discussed or those that are just right in all ways for you. It's the beginning of selecting who you wish to see in your life more consistently. But there are so many aspects to finding friends that need to be discussed.

So I think probably in my opinion this giant thing that we all need to be aware of. We are interacting with these friends and people through a medium in which it is easy to pretend to be someone you are not. I am sure you have heard a story, know someone, or had it happen to yourself that the person you thought you were getting to know turns out they weren't. They might be married, or pretend to be someone completely different. Do you know who you are speaking with? I mean we all have those stories of I spent 3 years on this person and found out..... I went to meet them and all of a sudden this event happened in their life preventing our interaction. I mean it happens all the time, in different ways. But the thing is life is crazy and messy and sometimes that cataclysmic event actually did occur and yes their life really is in danger and yes the concern you have is real. But it all comes down to this. First you need to be confident about who you are. AUTHENTIC. Second, you need to have faith that those you are speaking with are who they say they are, but you should be diligent in being aware. Does the information they tell you line up with your interaction? Does the time spent together actually lend to the stories they have said about their current situation? Do you trust this person? Do you believe they are being fully honest with you? Do you have pieces of real life that you have seen and witnessed that correlate to the information you have previously gathered? Does all of that line up? When asked do they freak out on you and get defensive, or do they go "hahahaha oh here's the proof, now let me see yours...."  How do they act when confronted with an issue? How do they show themselves to be when faced with a daunting near impossible situation that *seems* farfetched? Is that the actual reality or just the lies that an online troll has placed in front of you? 

Here's the point to all of this. We can't know for certain until meeting this person face to face that they are who they say they are. I mean sure if you had a zoom call you might be able to figure out that "Jezebel" is actually "Bob" from Detroit. (Made up names not trying to point to anyone, just trying to make a point) Yes there are ways that you can be skeptical and have to look and should question at times "Is this person who they say they are". That is very very very important. Anyone who is serious about this understands this concern though and when presented with this task of proving yourself will gladly share the evidence because they have nothing to hide. Within all of this though we have to have trust and faith that those we spend our time with are who they say they are. We can't know for certain but there has to be some level of trust placed in these people as well as ourselves that "Yes, I am showing up authentically, yes I am who I say I am and yes my goal is to find the person(s) I hope to die beside." 

Okay, I think I've made that point clear. We are all looking for that person who we hope that spend the rest of our days with. At least there are some of us that are looking for that. If you aren't that's also excellent, so long as you can express that at the beginning and make it known to those you are spending your time with. So long as you remain authentic to who you are, what you need, what you are looking for, and express that openly and can prove all of these aspects as well. But typically the truth will be realized soon enough. Sometimes it takes months, and sometimes it takes years. But eventually if you are being duplicitous and are intending to meet with someone you will be found out. I mean there are some damn good liars out there unfortunately. It's sad but true. It makes all of our jobs harder but to those that care about your d/s friends you will do all in your power to show that you are who you say you are. You will prove your authenticity. 

Now, onto the next portion of d/s friends. So let's say you met this fantastic friend. They have shown you by their actions, time spent together that yes I am me. You are you. We like each other and things are going well. The most important thing to remember is that yes friendship is awesome, yes friendship can still be a number of confusing things though. Because we can slip into unintentional d/s boundary and the line between "just friends" and "commited contracted dynamic" are just a few miles apart. Separated by time periods which can be utilized as amazing tools to take into consideration, training and eventually a permanent collar. What happens though when we get blinded by emotion? When the joy we feel at being able to serve our friends helps fulfill us. We see this person as "perfect" because they like us, and enjoy our time and we have many amazing things in common. We have similar kink that aligns and makes us feel giddy inside? But we have to be very very careful. We don't want to waste the time of those that are important to us. But what kind of d/s friendship do you have? Because I feel like there are many different versions of d/s friendship. 

Let's take "just friends" d/s. This is one of those situations where you see each other. You understand each other. You know you are both looking for something different but you help bring clarity to situations that the other person is experiencing because you have gone through it yourself and know what that might feel like. So you can help and explain and share with them and help both of you to grow. Just make sure they do the same for you, as you do for them. Equal power exchange. Equal benefit. Equal understanding that "we are just friends" and that is excellent. 

Let's get into "mentorship" d/s. Now this could be all sorts. You could be looking for someone of the same sex who has experience you may not. You may just want to learn and improve and experience their wisdom and guidance and hope to impart what they have shown you as good judgement. 

Or perhaps this is someone of the opposite sex that you see as valuable. As important. But again critical differences in perhaps your outlook on how you may interact. But you may want to become play partners to gain from the practical experience you may gain from being able to step a little further into the actual process of practicing all the kink that interests you and helping you find what is true in reality, instead of just based on fantasy of what your mind has created for this kink. 

Part of all of these processes need to be approached honestly though. You need to make those that are involved where they stand. "Yes, I adore you in all ways but we have a fundamental crack in the potential of our relationship but I still want to learn from you". Again, the important part within all of this is knowing what you want, knowing yourself and being able to express that to another person. 

Next let's get into "I hope this works" d/s. Now this is the really tricky one I believe. To me this is the situation where you know you like this person, you know you are aligned in many different ways. You know you have similar kink, and preferences but the reality of the situation is that while getting to know them there was pieces of information that were glossed over, and sort of recognized but not spoken about. You NEED TO BE DAMN CAREFUL!!!!!!! This is also where unintentional d/s can royally bend you over and take your virginity. You can let emotion push you past this moment and rush headlong into disaster. Because yeah you sort of noticed this thing about the other person and you mentioned something that made them give you a quizzical eyebrow. But if you dont go back and ask serious, intentional questions about the situation you may get a year down the road and find out "This was a dealbreaker and we aren't right for each other". In my opinion it's better to take your time, and ask the hard heavy questions before things progress and get out of hand. Because at that point no one is walking out unscathed. 

I recently found a part of myself that is pivotal within the dynamic I want. I want my family to be able to interact with my person. I see the dynamic I want to be long lasting until the day death separates us. I want my person to become my family, I want to wrap them up and see them become apart of my daily interaction. I want to see my future alongside them. Visiting for Christmas, opening gifts with my family and spending time with my siblings and nieces and nephews. I want my parents to meet you, I want to have my family together. But here's the thing, my family (my parents to be more precise) are super religious. Guess what? Religion just happens to be one of the biggest deal breakers that can be thrown in your face. Knowing how you serve your faith, knowing it's apart of you, knowing that the reality is some people are not tolerant when it comes to religion. In my marriage I had the experience of choosing between my wife and my family. I do not wish to have to make that choice again. I would much prefer that my family would be able to accept those who I bring into my household, and accept me. Will that realistically happen? I'm not sure but it would be a disservice to my friends that I am strongly considering and hoping to spend my life with that we AT LEAST discuss the potential of that interaction. Because it's something that's important to me. It needs to be determined carefully. With many questions, and conversations. It needs to take time to consider all of these factors. 

Okay, so this "I hope it works" d/s. What happens when you come to this critical junction and realize that there could be massive pitfalls that could cause the dissolution of your relationship? Well hopefully you could discuss all of the things that concern both of you, and come to reasonable compromise that all sides can accept. Or come to the conclusion we may just be play partners. Or perhaps it's just friends. Or maybe that's too difficult to be around each other after all of this and it's best to just go out separate ways afterall. Of course each of these situations (with the exception of compromise) will absolutely suck. There is no turning off the hurt you feel when someone you feel genuinely connected to reaches a point of "this is a problem for us". There is no amount of contracted agreements that can turn off the emotional side of who we are as humans. There will be an emotional response. It will hurt like hell. But better to at least be honest and capable to acknowledge this all before you slip further and further into unintentional d/s or perhaps even intentionally unintentional d/s. 

So what I consider intentionally unintentional d/s is the conversation between friends where you reach a situation of "I see a problem and I want to help you fix it, will you let me help you fix this issue in your life?" Of course most times I am assuming both of you will jump for joy and say "Yes, please help me". This is very intended and the purpose has been made clear. But now you have this sort of contracted agreement that you will be actively helping with a specific issue. How could this possibly go wrong at all? Well big point to note (which I happened to miss....smh) you should set a time limit, and create a legitimate contract that for this period of time I will help with X. Because if you don't set limits to the situation of how you will offer your help what happens when you finish that task? What are the expectations from both sides? Where do you go from there now? I mean you just take the next step and help with the next thing and do more because it's satisfying to give guidance and it's satisfying to receive leadership. But holy fuck we are just friends and now what's happening???? We have now slid into the unintentional side of d/s. Which can lead us further into a situation where "Oh wait, but look at these issues we haven't really discussed yet because we have been so distracted by our infatuation". This is where the pain on both sides will really hit home. This is where you want to go but haven't taken the necessary steps to make sure you arrive here safely. Ready. Complete. 

I believe it's best to pause, to take a minute to breath and step back. Do a full evaluation. Take the careful time to see how you line up and what potential deal breakers can be found because they NEED to be found and discussed. Either how you plan on seeing those situations unfolding, or realizing that no compromise can be found in this situation, so what's the best option. Just friends, maybe a mentorship, or just play partners or perhaps go our separate ways. 

Then of course the last type of friendship would be "This does work" d/s. I mean this one is pretty obvious. You have done the careful work. You have found yourselves compatible and you would like to begin the next step a collar of consideration. 

At least this is the way I see things, and have partially experienced all of these situations. Of course there could be other types of d/s friendships, but I think the fact alone is that a friendship within d/s is extremely complicated. You need to be aware of where you are, what you are hoping and want and need. You have to know what type of friendship you want with this person, but guess what? The more you find out about them the easier it is to put them into a type of friendship. Just make sure you express this explicitly and gain acceptance from all sides. Just be aware though if you truly desire more from the friendship but the other side doesnt see it going past that then you have a hard decision to make. Stay within the realm of friends always feeling less, and like you wish and want for more and that can leave you exhausted emotionally and mentally. But it's your choice to keep that person close because they still help and see ways that you can grow. It hurts to not be more to them, but can you accept only being their friend? You have to make that determination for yourself. You have to be able to walk that line and know that it may become unbearable. At which point you will have to make a choice. 

Okay, so that was my spiel on friendships. I had wanted to talk a little further on some other topics, but I'm thinking that they might be saved for a different blog. Because it has nothing to do with this subject and I can't think of a way to segue into it. 

I did find this song just the other day though from one of my favourite artists, and I want to share with you today. 

Well I hope you found value in my words today, as we begin a new week take time to see your friends. Share openly, be honest. Take the time to evaluate properly what your situation is. What you desire and what you want to accomplish together. Make sure you are on the same page. Don't forget that a friendship within d/s is also a negotiation. 

It's not just about finding out what kink you like. It's finding out if you are truly compatible with one another. About the nitty gritty details, that may become giant glaring issues down the line. It's important to spot these pitfalls in advance and do your best to prepare for them. Or have an honest expression that "This is too much for me to handle, and I can't be what you want me to be." Because it's not about being what someone else wants. It's about being yourself, just who you are. Are you accepted for all that makes you up? Unfortunately sometimes that includes the people around you. The friends you have currently, the friends you hope to have, the family you have and all sorts of complicated variables that need to be looked at. Take your time with the process, practice patience and work your way through slowly. If you do, you will have a much higher chance at finding success. Success at finding that right person or persons who just fits you exactly as you need. 

Thanks for taking the time to read this, I hope you are safe and well within the insanity of life. Have a day. 

Hello Cage friends,

I wanted to share a story with you today, a little insight into me, my life, my preferences, and to delve into a topic of conversation that currently baffles me. 

So today, I am at work. While my partner and I were driving out to a job we got to experience a number of interesting sights. As it's a beautiful day for October, there were a number of people out and about. As we drove up to the job we needed to complete, we happened to pass 2 women out for a stroll. As we began to drive past them my male brain began an evaluation of each female form. These friends (perhaps siblings) had some slight differences between them. They were both caucasian, but the female on the left was shorter with blonde hair. The female on the right was taller and a brunette. Now both of them were walking the same direction we were heading so all I could see were the clothes they wore, their hair, and as we approached I couldn't see their faces or determine any features other than the general forms. The thing was the shorter female on the left not only wore colours that pulled my attention more I also noticed that from their feet all the way to the tops of their heads the differences were fairly apparent. Now both of these women could be considered attractive. I doubt many men would have looked at either and been turned off (although there may be some who had no interest in either female) but I almost immediately recognized that I would have approached the female on the left. If I were to try and speak with them, I know exactly why I would have chosen to approach the female on the left first as my primary choice. Beginning from the bottom working my way upwards the female on the right was a little lanky, she kind of seemed pencil-ish. Her calf's werent well defined, she seemed to be pretty much straight all the way from the bottom to the top of her form. The shorter female had beautiful calf's, they flared out and added to the sensuality of her form, she had small knees but her thighs expanded and she had wide hips. Not only that she had the most pleasant plump rump that I tend to adore. She had curves, there was movement in her form, she had a natural hourglass figure and there was an immediate pull towards all the aspects of what composed her female form. She just seemed more proportionate, and just pulled at my desire. I know what I like, and I have always been attracted to very curvaceous women. They just do something for me, I mean I adore an hourglass shape. I even enjoyed when my ex would put on a corset and help accentuate her curves. I love the idea of using clothing to help create an even more appealing form, because adding a little bit of clothing can take an already beautiful woman and help make her even more dazzling. Just the same as when applying a bit of makeup to help draw the eye to certain features. 

Just because I know what I like though and just because you might have similar interest in kink does that mean that this person that you have been getting to know is the person for you? 

So the concept I've been mulling about through my noodle space is this, how do you know this person is more than just a play partner? How do you know when someone is a life partner? Someone who goes beyond being infatuated with and is a true love of your life? 

Well when I first found this site I received some very good advice. Find out about yourself, take a test and identify your love languages. It was pretty funny because I always assumed that my primary love language is touch. I found out that time is ACTUALLY my primary form of love language that I receive most, feel most and appreciate most. I think that's a good thing because all of the candidates that I am speaking with live in areas wayyyy too far away for me to be able to connect except through online mediums. The thing is I have also found out how important it is that I am able to affect positive change, positive growth, and being able to fulfill my purpose by helping those around me find themselves. 

It's very interesting though because there are many people who don't see things the way I do. I remember having a conversation with a friend and I had a "Eurika" moment. She helped me find a part of my identity. Part of what makes me up and showed me who I am. The funny part was when I expressed my joy with her at her help she mentioned "It wasn't a big deal, anyone could have helped you find that" but the thing was it wasn't just anyone. It was her. In many ways because I can't touch, or interact except through my words if I don't celebrate and embrace my ability for someone to help find themselves then what do I have? I mean to me, if the work I put in that shows someone else "Oh, wow this is me and I never knew that before." Doesn't mean much of anything to them then why put any effort in at all? I know that being able to facilitate that understanding has value to me, and I would hope that those I interact with feel the same way because often times my ability to offer myself comes in very limited ways when currently my only form of interaction is from a distance. My words only have so much of an impact, and sometimes they have no impact whatsoever (depending on who hears them, and how they interpret or experience my words) 

So this whole concept, what makes an appropriate life partner? It's someone who sees value in the way I act, that I also receive value from. It has to be a give and take, because I can't abide by a situation where all I do is take. I felt like that was the situation with my ex in many ways, and feeling like I wasn't offering enough value left me empty and broken. Because I need to know that what I bring is enough. That who I am is enough. That my failure, my mistakes, my misgivings are still enough. The thing is perfection is not possible. No one can or will be perfect, but there is another concept to understand. There is someone or those who are perfect for me. That all they are, within the failings, shortcomings and despite all of those things "wrong" with them they are still perfect for me. I have found those in my life who I want to spend more of my time with, that literally seeing them puts a smile on my face and warms my heart. I have those that I wish to be able to do more for, spend more of my time with and even though I haven't ever met them I would love the chance to see them in person and develop even more of a connection. 

But of those people many of them have interest from other capable and respectable dominants. The thing I also struggle with is "Will they settle for me?" "Would choosing me mean they were missing a better opportunity with someone else?" Because then I would feel as if I am robbing them of a chance for true happiness in life. I would be stealing someones true perfect match and I wouldn't be able to abide with that. The thing is I also still have much to experience within this lifestyle and my thoughts of what I want are still being determined. There is so much that I need to continue to find out. 

The thing is I am unwilling to settle for anyone less than perfect for me, and I would not want the person who I am with to ever settle for me. I want to be their first choice with no hesitation. Because I am perfect for them. 

I am beginning to see more of myself, my desire and who I truly wish to be. I am forming the clear picture of myself, and working to put myself right where I need to be. Those meant to be in my life will find a way into my life. 

I recently had a moment where I had two sets of plans for tomorrow which just happens to be Thanksgiving. I had one set of plans with my family, and I had an offer for plans to go hiking and check to see if the Inukshuk that was built a few weeks ago is still standing. In many ways I opened myself to opportunity and found that the plans with my family weren't going to work out because my parents no longer could make it to see my sister. She happens to live in a different city than my family. Which now means I have a clear choice ahead of me, I will be able to go hiking with my friend and be able to reach the summit after we check on our Inukshuk. It's going to be a fantastic way to begin my weekend and to remember what I am thankful for. 

I hope everyone is able to reconnect and remember that there are bountiful opportunities in front of you, it just takes seeing the good of what you have instead of what you don't. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful evening and fantastic Turkey Day if you happen to be celebrating. 

Hello Cage friends,

So this is going to be a pretty personal expression as I want to take you on part of the journey that I went through on my weekend. 

So I have been on this site for just over 6 months (I did the math from the first date I joined) and I was absolutely shocked that it had only been half a year. It felt like I had been on this journey for so much longer than that. It's been tremendous and I am so grateful to be here with the mentors, friends and all the people I have met. I think back to myself and how I acted, how I choose to be and where I am now. 

When I found bdsm with my ex, I truly was an unknowing isntadom if there ever was one. I had no clue about intention. I really "knew" about consent but didn't understand it. I had no idea about what it took to be a true dominant and it was only until I met those who hold that title that I began the process of finding out how far from an actual dominant I was. I learned from submissives and from all those that I spent time with. I found such a deep sense of belonging and feeling home and just being myself. I knew I was a kinky person, but I didn't understand what that actually meant for myself. I mean when I first came here and found a group of people willing and able to accept me for who I was more than I did. I had so much self loathing and hatred for who I was at the core of myself. I have been able to sit with myself, my true self, my deepest desires and I have been fortunate enough to find people who not only accept me but need and want to fulfill my deepest desires. It is truly an amazing experience to tell someone something so deep and terrifying about yourself and have them look at you and go "That's it???" That feeling of being completely accepted and trusted and believed in. 

I have been blessed and graced with so many amazing people who have shown me the way forward, with respect and without determining for myself what that meant TO ME. Because this is all a very personal journey, and while I have had the wisdom to ask those wiser than myself for their advice in different scenarios and situations I have also learned to accept their truth and learn but then apply that to myself and my beliefs. 

I am still building my culture. I am still working on creating myself as I need to be, but the steps I have made within myself I am so proud of the work I have done in all aspects of my life. 

To say this has been life changing is truly an understatement. 

For all my postering and all this growth I have felt like constantly I still didn't have the experience that I actually needed to claim the title of dominant. Yes I've learned much, and grown in the theoretical aspects of d/s but I still lack that practical ability. I realize that I will gain it slowly but surely with each person that I am able to speak with, and as I see myself accomplish much for my friends that exist within my sphere of influence. 

Here's the really important aspect that I have learned about myself. 

I love and feel fulfilled and find value within myself when I can help my friends. When I can offer words of insight that help create clarity, or bring up a topic that allows them to change their perspective, or allow them to find new forms of how they see their submission, or even if it's as simple as putting a smile on their face because I'm awesome and made them laugh, or because I simply was there to listen when they felt they had no one else. It doesn't matter how I add value, so long as what I am doing is creating prosperity for their life however that may look or feel to them. 

It's also this topic of discussion that I wanted to bring up. The fact that even friendships within the d/s lifestyle are more profound and can offer a deeper impact than that of vanilla relationships. 

I mean we discuss some heavy topics whether that is past trauma, or the deepest desires of your heart, to all the simple challenges of life where you live, or the simple good things that happened to you. It doesn't have to have crazy depth to the interaction yet without fail in each friendship that I have cultivated within the lifestyle there has been some form of power exchange. Some form of traded value for value, and improvement in areas of life that were a struggle and now are just a little bit easier because I managed to help and offer a different perspective that helped shift the lens. That afforded some insight, or a complete overhaul of a thought process. 

Big or small the impact felt still has so much more added value because I managed to make a difference in someone else's life. 

I need that within me. To know and experience that moment where no matter how big or small I managed to make a profound difference. I've done it by being myself, and just doing what I feel is correct. In some cases I had no intention of what I brought forward to have any impact, and I was just sharing something I thought was cool or interesting. Yet the impact felt on the other side completely shifted the view point, and that feeling of accomplishment and success makes me feel proud and happy within me. Sometimes, I fully intended my approach to be of great benefit and it's funny how sometimes the most intentional act can warrant the least amount of change, but still some degree of shift occured. Although I will point out not everyone responds to my words and actions. Not everyone responds to who I am and the way I bring forward myself, but to those select few that see me and want to get to know me I make drastic change and the longer I have the opportunity to make positive change I plan to work my ass off to do and be the best version of myself that I may continue to help them grow. 

Take for instance the trust my friend placed in me. I wrote a blog about how I lost control, and felt like there was nothing I could do. I had rage simmering within me, bubbling right under my surface and she looked at me and said "I still trust you, if I were right beside you I would still allow you to take control". That moment nearly broke my heart in all the best ways. I felt undone, and seen, and honoured, and trusted in a way that I have never been trusted before. That despite my lowest point of feeling beyond hope that she would still offer herself up to me and have faith that I would keep her well being in the forefront of my mind. I was completely flabbergasted, blown away, shocked, and in that moment I reached a bit of clarity. I am not evil, and all that is within me is neither good nor bad. I am learning how to shape it accordingly. I am learning and growing and still mastering myself. But despite my frailty and weakness there are those who still trust in me. Those who still see me and would choose to continue to serve me. 

Yesterday, I had the first greatest opportunity of my life. 

My friend gave me the greatest gift I have ever been given. Some weeks ago, she told me that she would entrust me with a chance to prove myself. To create a scene for her. So I put to myself what did I want for her? Where was there a need that I saw that could be addressed. At first I thought about what she had told me about her life, and after a particularly exposing conversation over grief and trauma of a past event I set in my mind what I hoped to help her with. 

I was given the chance to create in my image a scene, constructed from my mind, with a pure opportunity. She expressed her opinion and some facts about scene creation, she informed me of a few things that I needed to think about and then she removed herself from the situation so that I could set to work about doing MY job. I even had an amazing opportunity and a great moment of learning when I reached out to one of my mentors and he responded with an ever so gentle "Do it yourself" (those were not his exact words, but he could not help. Firstly, he knew it wasnt his place, and secondly it needed to be my choices, my decisions because it was my scene) It was a tiny bit foolish to even ask in the first place but I am so grateful for the wisdom he exhibited by refusing me assistance. It gave me the chance to put my mind to work to go through and plan and organize exactly how ***I*** wanted to do things. Because I knew the situation. I had more information than anyone else, and any advice I was given would have been without the correct insight because they didn't know the full situation or what I was intending. 

So I set about working through what I wanted. I crafted the image inside my mind of what it would look like, what I wanted, and expected to happen. Of course things didn't quite turn out that way, but my intention was for this to be a very heavy scene emotionally. So I took the time to arrange a few things to help before and after in order to make sure she was properly cared for. 

The truth was it didn't take long to get inside my head what I wanted the scene to look like. I also had a vision of what I could do beforehand to help ease the situation and to help relax her. 

On the day I woke up bright and early before my alarm even went off. I gave myself about 3 hours to prepare myself and what I needed to finish before meeting with her. I used my time wisely to look after my property, my house and myself. By the time I finished my prep I had inside of 10 minutes before the arranged time we were supposed to meet. I managed to make the meeting just 3 minutes before we were supposed to start. 

So to begin, I didn't think about the actual scene and I started making dinner beside her. We both made a version of "fried" rice although my dish didn't have any egg in it whatsoever and can't really be defined as such. But the thing was I really enjoy cooking and cooking with her is always so much more fun. She always has tips for me about the process and information about things I have never done before. I just love cooking with her, and imagining what it might actually be like to cook beside her, to cook FOR her. But when we finished making our food we sat down to eat our meal together while watching a show that I wanted to share with her. The thing was there were a few reasons that I wanted to eat with her before the real scene began, and part was to help relax her but also because I hadn't eaten yet that day and for one other really big reason. When I was a child my family ate dinner together every night. We would sit and talk about our days, and just share good food and good conversation. I have enjoyable memories of being able to do that with my family. I wanted to share a special moment of being able to eat together as if we were family, and not only that I love food. Like LOVE food. To be able to share a meal with someone important to me is a very meaningful thing to me. Quite simply, it just matters. So to be able to sit, relax, watch a show together and eat was simply extremely satisfying and gave me warm fuzzies all over. 

When we finished our food and our show, I wanted to distract her a little longer (and extend the time I got to spend with her) so I sang a song for her and with her because singing is something that has become a new passion for me in my life and she helped me find that joy. So to be able to share with her that time is also very precious to me. 

After all of this warm up we finally got down to business. 

There was much that I wished to express to her, and I had my chance to talk to her. To have her listen while holding a position that I hoped would make her more receptive to all the important things I needed to tell her from my heart. The way I had seen her act, the way she choose to live her life and to do my best to help her see her the way I do. After I finished I gave her the chance to sit with all that I had told her. She had free reign to feel, sit and experience and to talk if she needed to. I was simply there, keeping a watchful eye over her. 

After sitting, having an emotional few moments, needing some time to blow noses and working through the heavy emotions we managed some very good conversation and moved ourselves away from where we had been sitting on the floor. 

We moved over to the couch and to finish our time together we wound up watching a movie that she very much connected with and felt aligned with the main character. It offered another chance of insight into her mind and I got some of the best advice possible for handling aftercare and sub drop. The special medicine required? A 1 ounce cube of dark chocolate. Not only is it healthy and helpful it actually has anti depressant properties and can be extremely helpful in managing the drop that both sub and Dom can feel. 

The entire experience was extremely enjoyable, and I had nothing but a positive experience from the entire thing and I was proud of myself for managing my very first scene that I had ever done for the first time ever. Although the thing that surprised me was how exhausted my body was and how tired I felt afterwards despite not really doing much. 

It was a positive experience for her, and I would say as a first attempt a rousing success and part of my path forward. I still have lots that I could improve. Still lots to be able to refine and work on, but there is also only so much that is possible when you are interacting across the cosmos. I am proud of myself, I am proud that I was able to prove to myself my ability and take a definitive step towards my goals.

There are still many steps to take to get myself where I need to be, but I am well on my way and happier each day that I am fulfilling my purpose. 

Hello Cage friends,

How is your evening today? Mine was a little interesting. So I have a little song that I wanted to share, it's a very important conversation topic and considering my recent actions I need to take a minute to talk about this.

https://voca.ro/11jXnqJ25klP

So in case the issue isnt clear I need to address a moment that I recently made a poor intentional choice. 

I made a consent violation. 

I had information that was given to me in faith, with the purpose of building trust and confidence within me to keep that safe. It was entrusted to me.

I gave that information away to another person and I did so without permission.

We need to all remember no matter how big or small it may seem a consent violation is a serious thing. Having privileged information entrusted to you should be as precious as your s type. The things told and expressed to you are yours because trust was built. You can destroy someone's life by revealing information that isn't yours to give away. There are real consequences and lives can be changed when you choose to violate someone's consent. 

This topic should always be dealt with absolute seriousness and as a man I deeply respect in the lifestyle would say "Is grounds for excommunication". Now my consent violation was on the much lower end of the scale in terms of what is considered a consent violation but by no means does that indicate any less importance on the issue. 

We as dominants hold a massive responsibility to the well being of those who trust us. When we take action and give away something precious to us, as the information gifted to us is ours to keep and protect because all we can do is treasure their words when they live miles away from us. I can't hold her in my arms and so I must ensure I treat her words as if an extension of her. With the same reverence and admiration and in the way I wish to hold her. 

I did not choose that path when I choose to give her name away without her permission. 

In fact I very well started to dismantle the work I've done. But it's also about our actions afterwards. It's about the way we handle ourselves when we make a mistake. They happen, they suck, and we are all human. Sometimes we make a Whoops. It's the fact that you can see what you did, see the effect and the damage for what it could be if you don't approach the situation honestly. Although take that with a grain of salt. It's hard to argue if for example "limit of the scene, no penetration" and the top chooses to ignore that. Kind of hard to argue the point that it was an accident and not intentional, and in that case they should be removed from the scene or at least have it be made known the danger they are to those within the community. 

But the question is did you see your action for what it was? Did you make the effort to express how important it is that you understand what was done incorrectly? Did you express your remorse for breaking their trust? Did you bring it forward yourself because you want to live with integrity? Did you act honestly and sincerely? 

Hopefully yes, hopefully you understand the gravity of the situation. Hopefully you take this lesson and never repeat it on this scale or any other. Because this is a dead serious issue. 

Of course you also must remember to apply grace to yourself and make sure your next step forward is with care. With thoughtful consideration. But ensure you move forward. Don't stay here stuck in this mistake. Accept it, move forward out of the mire and muck of the situation and continue onward. Remember also that you were forgiven for being able to come forward honestly, but if you had chosen to also lie about the consent violation that things drastically change. Remember to act with integrity, be forthcoming and sincere. 

We all make mistakes, it's in how we own up to them. It's how we choose to deal with the fact we are human, and won't ever be perfect. But that's perfectly fine considering we are all we can be, and we are those that care deeply. We trust deeply. We protect. We ensure safety. We provide comfort. We embody strength and yet accept the support when we require it. There is so much depth to the relationships we form, even in friendship (blog on this topic in the future) there is a level that just can't be found anywhere else. It's why we love the lifestyle and choose to not live any other way. But make sure you show up appropriately for the trust placed in you by the friends you have made. It's very important. 

Hopefully you manage to have a wonderful evening, and are able to learn something from my mistake. 

Hello deer Cafe Freud's,

So those that hang around might have laid witness to my last blog. It truly was an eye opening writing for myself and made me realize some fundamental truths about myself. 

Not only that I had a very intense, emotional and absolutely soul crushing (at the time) interaction with myself, almost immediately after writing that blog. If you happened to have missed it scroll down and check it out if you feel the need. But the important part is this. 

There is a lot about this lifestyle and it's not easy. It's not rainbows, sunshine and fun times. At least not all the time. Often it is hard, gut wrenching, time consuming work that we must put into ourselves. This isn't easy and I really had some struggles yesterday. 

It started simply and went all sorts of upside down for me and I find it almost humourous that after such a revelation within myself, staring into the void inside me looking for answers that I opened the door and was fearful, ashamed, guilty, and furious about what I saw. 

It started with some rice. That ended up on the floor. While I was making food I was very excited for. 

Literally just a few grains. 

And that set me off, I had a rage, fury and wrath bubbling, simmering right under the surface of me. I could feel it coursing through all of me, and there was a moment of pure exhaustion where I felt nothing but weak, incapable and unworthy. I wanted to put my fist through my drywall (luckily, I had enough restraint to resist the temptation but it was there and overwhelming) and the worst part wasn't that I could point to any particular reason. I was triggered and hurt and acting out. I couldn't understand and the scary part is that I felt like I had absolutely no control over myself and all because of a few grains of rice made there way to my floor..... 

Of course that wasn't the reason just the tipping point. Really there was much more to it. It had to do with the fact that my eyes had been opened so forcefully to the fact that I didn't know myself half as well as I thought. 

There is a *ahem* "short" list of questions that you should work to understand within yourself if you are going to participate in this lifestyle. It's important to be able to answer these questions, and that's absolutely true. 

But an amazing friend who spoke to me when I was low, hurting, weak and an absolute emotional wreck (I mean tears and bawling like a baby) she said to me "Do you think those answers remain the same?" Consider how you might have answered those 6 months ago, or 5 years ago, or 10 years in the future? Will those answers all be the same as they are today? 

It didn't take me long to admit that no, people change and those answers are constantly shifting. She made the wise and excellent point that it is the process of trying to find yourself. It is the searching, the asking, the poking and prodding. Yes the answers do matter, because they help you express yourself to those that wish to know you. But MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY it is the journey to find those answers. Because we shift, and our opinions change and perhaps even our purpose in life. 

The thing about this lifestyle is that you reach out and hope you find people you connect and resonate with. You find those who you hope to guide, to bring into a safe place of trust and devotion. To be trusted. To be held. To have a safe space that you are free to feel (even if it's dishonest, because let's get real I wasn't mad at my food, I was mad at myself for letting something small effect me, for losing control, for not being able to express myself in an appropriate manner, but partly because I was afraid of all the things "I wasn't enough"). The thing to remember though is that as much as d types are there to support and comfort so is the s type. They are there to offer themselves and their support and love just as much as we do. They are there to help right ourselves, and one of the most powerful things you can hear while *absolutely losing your shit* is that you are trusted to still have control. That despite your flaws and weakness and all that you see as terrible within you, you still hold space and the ultimate well being for their heart, their mind, their safety. To be told while crying, and hurt and angry that if they were there beside you they would still trust in your ability, and your control. They would not hesitate to offer themselves to you, and that is a powerful thing to realize. It's not just your strength, but yes it needs to be there. But that those we interact with would still choose to stand beside you despite your flaws and all that you see as despicable and horrible within you. That is an immense strength that some come to use, abuse and take advantage of. 

I mean I have not accomplished anything that impressive (in my own opinion) to see a man, angry, lost, hurting and yet still say "this one trusts you", that they would still offer themselves up to someone so imperfect. To offer support regardless of the outcome and potential hurt that might be caused.

I couldn't help myself but be impressed. I've never had a strength like that in my life until this moment. To have friends and those that I see as better than myself offer up their appreciation, time and effort to say "You are worth something to me" in whatever form that appears. 

I made a lot of mistakes with my ex, and she did many amazing things for me but at the same time she also wasn't there for me in the ways that I needed. I didn't understand her and she didn't understand me as much as we tried and tried to find that common ground. We really were not an ideal match for each other. 

But finding people and companions that can still look you in the eye and say I trust you, despite the short time frame that we have gotten to know each other, despite the fact that we have never met in person... "I trust you". That's something I didn't have with my ex, and as much as I wanted that trust I wound up creating a situation where that could never occur for us. By my actions. 

This roller coaster will spin you up, and knock you down. It's hard work looking at our weakness and accepting it within ourselves, but there is an immense measure of support where when we can't see it for ourselves someone comes along (or maybe a few) and they point and say "It's okay, because I'm here and if I were there I would do anything to help you through this". They see your weakness and accept you for it, because of it. 

I have been blessed with many different friends all throughout my life. But my friends from school, my friends of university, my friends that I work with have all come and gone and left me alone. 

But the friends that I have made in the lifestyle, I have never been more certain that they will be lifelong connections. Because they see me at my worst and still hold space, and care and accept me. Despite my flaws, despite how I see myself. 

I still have so much work to do. I still am focusing on taking ownership of my domain. I am still working on finding my propose. I'm still working on breaking my habit of laziness and procrastination. I'm still working on mastering my emotions, controlling how I express myself. But I also need to remember to do so without tempering the expectations for those around me and for myself. 

I put such a high level of "You MUST reach this level, you MUST be this good, you MUST act perfectly, you MUST" 

There is only one must within this lifestyle.

You MUST be yourself. 

No more, no less, but work each day on being better. On finding the answers. On building trust within yourself, and those around you. 

But how do you build trust within yourself? How do you trust that you are being honest and genuine and true to your purpose? How do you trust that you are capable? 

It's in the little things, and always starts there. It's in the way you speak to yourself within your mind, and what you tell yourself you are capable of. It's the perspective in which you see yourself. It's the way that you take care of your property when no one is around. It's in the way you look out and care for yourself. Because by showing those around you that you are capable of taking care of you, that you would be capable of being able to care for them if they were to enter into your domain. 

Of course you also need to be honest about your ability and ask yourself "Am I actually capable of handling the emotional well being for this other human" because there are some that just aren't meant for us. But there are a few who are worth our time, worth our effort and see us and accept us for who we are. 

It's hard finding the right people, but the thing is if you are authentic, and show up exactly as you are and wholeheartedly exist as only you can there will come a time where those special people that truly see you for the magical, wonderful, beautiful person you are will find a way into your life.

It just requires patience, and the willingness to do the work, to work on yourself to prepare for the day you meet. 

I am a man, that feels broken but I am whole. I feel useless but I am useful. I feel weak and ineffectual but I am strong and very effective. I feel like I am nothing, worthless and unworthy, yet I am everything (to those special few) I am worth all the world has to offer, and I am very deserving. 

But only so long as I continue to work and put the effort each day. Because it's when you give up, and say "That's good enough" that is when you are truly unworthy. It will never be good enough because we can always be better in one way or another. If you give up and stop doing the hard work then why should the s type that choose to follow you do the same? Why should they continue to do the hard things you ask or demand of them if you aren't willing to meet them as equals on the same playing field. 

We are all broken, and bruised. We are all incomplete. Can you accept that within yourself? Can you accept that within your s type? But then work together to become something greater and far surpassing where you stand alone, because you fulfill them by offering structure, discipline, guidance and the fortitude to remain steadfast within the coming storm that is your s type? That the world will throw at you? All the while they work harder than you could ever imagine to support and follow your guidelines. To be dutiful to you and show you just what kind of man you are, and that they are not afraid of you. Even in your weakest moment, they only offer to put you on their backs and lift you up to new heights. 

Have you put in the work to be deserving of their grace? Of their support? Of their kindness and love? Have you done the work yourself? 

I am only beginning, but the important part is the journey. It is found within the searching, within the desire to know yourself. To be better. To improve. To be all you can be for those that trust in you, to show them they were not misplaced in their trust. Because so many times s types trust and it comes back to harm them. They sacrifice of themselves for the wrong men, who are vain and users. Who take what they want without regard for the limits set. Who just simply abuse because they were given the chance to.

Will you be better?

I hope to.

I want to. 

I will.

Each day with dedication to the process of finding ourselves. Finding those who align with our beliefs and values and who see us for who we are even when we are at our worst. 

I hope you find peace within today, and strive to find it each new day. 

Hello Cage friends,

So I need to express to all of you a struggle that I am currently faced with. It is a place I am uncomfortable in because it shows just how much room I have to grow and how much work I need to do yet. 

Settle in because this will be a long one, and not necessarily because of what I have to say but because of what my mentors response to me was. 

The questions that I reached out to him was to know what is the correct path forward for your s type? How do you know as a dominant that your choices are correct and will guide forward the dynamic in the way you choose. How can you possibly know that your choices are correct and will bring fruit that is worth eating? How do you create sustenance for those in your life in meaningful ways? 

Basically it boiled down to how do you build confidence within yourself, how do you have certainty within your actions that you are doing right by those that have chosen you? How do you affect positive change for someone else? Especially when you feel like you have absolutely no idea what you are doing (SURPRISE SURPRISE, the answer you will find is actually quite simple. But it takes immense amount of work and time and effort) 

This was his response to me and I can't take credit, except that I reached out to someone more experienced, wiser, more certain and who I consider to be a true dominant. These are the words of a man I have come to deeply respect through our limited interaction, his name is DaddyDrago and if you ever feel lost or uncertain take a minute to read his blog. No matter where I was at, it seemed to me like he was able to pry open my mind and pluck my thoughts out from my skull and plant them in black and white. He has been a true friend, mentor and guide and someone who I hope to emulate (not copy, as that would be a disservice to myself and my own unique talent and ability) but I trust that he is capable, that he has done the hard work himself and learned hard lessons through personal experience. I can't claim his words as my own, but I want to embody the lessons he has shared with me in the hopes that we might develop a better community.

"This is a topic that is wrought with all kinds of points of view.
Many will tell you they have a system. A checks and balances of discovering what has worked and what will always work with s types.
Others will express that who you are is enough. What moves you and leads you is what matters and the s type that resonates with you will also be moved by your leading.

Of all the myriad of ways there are to describe HOW to dominate and KNOW you’re doing it right there are facts that are immutable:

There is NO ONE WAY and there is NO POSSIBLE WAY TO KNOW WITH ANY CERTAINTY.

I will, however, attempt to speak to you about truths I have witnessed and experienced first hand.

There is no formula that will work for all s types. NONE. What will move one will not move another. What moves one in this direction will have a very different affect on another. This speaks to the reality that every submissive is a unique individual. As such, it is VITAL that as a dominant there are YEARS spent learning and discovering what makes them tick. What motivates them as a person? Who are they? What do they value? What do they fear? Where are their strengths (all of them)? Where are their weaknesses (all of them)? With this information you will be able to BEGIN to resonate with what can possibly move them. Even then, the questions you need to ask yourself is, “Is this a person I can reach? Do I have the language to express to this individual where they can hear me?” Because the truth is, often, the best thing we can do as a dominant is not lead another on when they so desperately want someone to dominate them. We are meant for a very select few that can hear us. That ‘get’ us.

Which leads me to my next point,
KNOW YOURSELF.
There is NO WAY you can speak succinctly into another person’s life without knowing why you desire to. That desire alone won’t make a difference in knowing if you’re doing it right, but it WILL aid you in understanding that from your heart your purpose is to comfort, lead, encourage, help, aid, support et cetera IF that’s your intention. You mentioned you know what you intend and desire, but that you don’t along with that know if it is correct.

Next point,
TRUST YOURSELF
As a dominant you must come to a point of understanding and knowing yourself enough that you can trust yourself. If you cannot have this confidence you lack the ability to dominate with any efficacy. You will ALWAYS be second guessing to the extent that you talk yourself out of what you believe is correct. When you KNOW that your heart desires honestly to help only and you KNOW your motivations are pure in desiring to help you CAN trust that any choice you make is an honest one. Not perfect, because that’s not EVER going to happen....but honest nonetheless.

Sidebar.......
I myself have been on the side of believing that if I could structure things to the nth degree or manage and control all the things I would somehow have no issues. That I would perfectly lead another. That I could account for all the variables. That they would never struggle, hurt, feel pain or otherwise suffer at my hands. The reality is that is so far from the truth it is laughable to think otherwise. One of the truest and biggest keys to being a good dominant is NOT that you won’t make mistakes, it’s that you will make a TON of them and a submissive that sees you and gets your intent won’t see that you failed but that you’re learning. If they cannot they either can not see your heart or they willingly choose not to. Either truth means you don’t belong making decisions for someone that can’t trust you to do so. It may have ZERO to do with you and everything to do with their own incapability to trust or follow, but the premise is still the same. Not something as a dominant you should desire to have anything to do with. You cannot MAKE someone surrender, or see you, or trust you. To do so is non-consensual for starters, secondly it is simply impossible.

Next point,
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
When you come to a place within yourself that you KNOW who you are. What drives you. What your purpose is. What your focus is. Why you choose it. Why you want it. What matters to you the most in a dynamic and in leading an s type. You will get to come to a space where you are given the choice to believe in what you are doing or you will doubt. Right now, you’re discovering every piece of what your purpose is. What your focus is. The whys and what matters most for YOU. So, you doubt it. Because you’re unsure. You’re still in self discovery mode. You cannot lead effectively from this space until you can answer a million questions with certainty that shows what you believe of yourself. Some of those questions that need answered are:

How will I care for my s type?
What do I value?
What do I need?
Why do I need this?
What do I have to offer?
What kind of submission speaks the loudest to me honestly (this is super hard!)?
Why do I desire to lead?
What do I get out of this?
What is in this dynamic for me?
Where does my contentment lie?
Where can I find my peace?
Who am I?
Who do I desire to be?
What kind of person am I?
What is my focus?
What is my purpose on this earth?
Why do I dominate?
What am I prepared to give up to achieve what I need?
What length will I go to to achieve my dreams?
Am I prepared emotionally for the responsibility of caring for another person’s soul, life, heart, physical well-being?
Have I done all I can to prepare myself mentally for the challenges I will face?
How much patience do I have? Is it enough? Do I need more?
Am I strong enough to withstand the resistance that WILL come at me from the person(s) I love the most?
Am I willing to stand alone for what I believe in? Truly?
What IS my motivation?
Where is my motivation?
Can I successfully control my anger?
Can I successfully manage my own life in total?
Am I a procrastinator? How can I shift my focus to caring for myself enough not to be?
Am I lazy? Does this serve me?
What serves me? How can I lead if I don’t know?
What kind of person am I? Aloof? Serious? Funny? What do I NEED to balance me out?
Where am I lacking?
Where do I need to mature in?
How emotionally available am I? Truly.
How transparent can I be in ALL the ways? What am I uncomfortable discussing?
How vulnerable can I be? Should I be?
Where are my boundaries? Where should they be?
Do I know myself so well I can succinctly and accurately with honesty express myself and my needs to another so that they can understand?
Do I just say what I think others want me to say? Why or why not?
Am I my own person? I NEED to be!!!!!!!!!! Why?
Do I NEED another person in my life? Why or why not? Is it just a want?
Do I act with integrity when no one is watching?
What type of character do I have?
Am I good person?
Am I a failure? Or do I just fail? Is there such a thing as failure?

ALL of these (and SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many more) MUST be answered and known without a shadow of a doubt BEFORE you can ever KNOW you are correct in leading another.

Why?

Because if you cannot answer them for yourself how will you answer an s type that asks you for why they should follow you? They deserve to know who you are. What you believe in and why. If you do not they should not and more than likely can not truly trust you or believe in you. Because they feel your disbelief in yourself. This equates to someone that doesn’t have their ducks in a row to a submissive. Someone who can’t answer who they are and all the whys ‘appears’ to be direction less. There is NO WAY an s type will feel comfortable to follow such. They NEED to feel safe. Period. It is up to you to provide that safety.

Next point,
FOLLOW YOURSELF
When you come to know, trust, believe in yourself you become someone that marches to your own drum beat. You become a leader. You will NOT follow something or someone that you know is not in your purpose, focus or best interest. S types can see this a mile away. They are drawn to this like a moth to the flame. They will follow it anywhere because they can believe in it. Cultivate your intuition. That inner knowing yourself and your purpose. That belief in who you are enough to trust that what you set in motion through your lens is fully intended to bring about the peace and focus you KNOW is there for a submissive if they choose to hold on to it. That gut instinct that says, “Go this way,” even though you can’t see the outcome, you believe that the direction is correct.

Last point,
HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF
This one picks up exactly where the previous one ends......you MUST cultivate a faith in your beliefs and heart that you trust your own compass. Only YOU can decide for yourself who you see an s type being. Only YOU can understand with your heart how you hope to bring them this focus, clarity, and peace. Often, this comes organically. Without a clear and concise picture. With more like a ‘feel’ and you MUST learn to cultivate a faith in yourself, in the Universe (God, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, Mohamed et cetera) and the direction you are being led to lead another.
To ME, THAT is the secret. We lead because we know how to follow. Follow our hearts. Follow our purpose as we were designed to be. Follow our calling as we were created to fulfill. A dominant that has no understanding of how to follow will not understand the struggle to do so. They lack empathy for how to hold space for someone when they don’t know how to move forward because they’re paralyzed with fear. We know what that is like because we have taken the steps to walk through (and continually are doing so) our own fears. Following our compass to who we are so we can lead by example those who find value in our journey.

One last story then I am through,

I have had the pleasure of witnessing all sorts of s types. Baby girls. Princesses. Slaves. Switches. Masochists. Sensualists. Bunnies. Polyandrous. Asexual. Bisexual. A mixture and myriad of all of the above and so much more. One thing I have discovered in my journey in learning myself is........there are those that resonate with who I am, what I desire, what I seek, what I value and what I do not. That’s for ME to define. Not another. At one time in my journey I desired to simply be attached to someone. To grow. To learn. To discover. To experience. Not wrong or bad. Simply, misguided. Because my desire to be attached was about me experiencing so I could ‘discover’ myself. What I liked and didn’t like. What I wanted and needed versus what didn’t serve me or didn’t matter to me. I allowed past partners to define for me who I should be because they needed me to be this or that. I would gladly do so. Believing I was giving them what they wanted. I was helping. The truth is........this is NOT dominance this is submission. Dominance is knowing yourself enough to say, ”I don’t want this. This doesn’t speak to me. This does.” That’s not being cruel. It’s staying in your lane and honing YOU. Who you are. So you have the best to offer another. Not watering yourself down to become what someone else desires you to be.
Example:
I have had opportunities to have experiences with true lifers’ in the lifestyle. S types that have been a part of this community for over 40 years. I declined most of them.
Why?
Because I knew what I had to offer and what they had to offer me. I knew who I was and what I needed. I didn’t allow my ego to lead. I allowed my heart to lead. I KNOW what will satisfy me and what will fulfill me. And, conversely, in many cases I knew exactly what was going to satisfy and fulfill them and it wasn’t me. I knew it. They needed different. Not more. Not less. Just, different. NOT ME. I knew it. Because I knew myself.

I challenge you to consider all of this. NOT because you have so far to go. I can hear you saying so and feeling despondent after this writing. That’s FAR from the point. The point is..........you are on your way. You have already come so far!!! You’ve discovered so many pieces of yourself that you’re learning how to honor and implement. I know it can be such a challenge to not want to jump right out there and get your hands dirty so to speak. I encourage you to continue to do exactly what you have been doing........finding yourself. Along the way, you’re going to make all kinds of mistakes and get it wrong. Good. You will learn the hard way, maybe the best way?"

Are you still with me? I hope so, as he makes some impressive and extremely important points. 

The entirety of this lifestyle is about YOU. No one can tell you what's right, it's about finding yourself. 

It's about take the time to know who you are, and to have confidence and faith in what you know of yourself. For all the words he expressed (and trust me I feel like I cheapen his words by saying it this way) but it comes down to knowing yourself, trusting yourself, having faith and belief in yourself, and following your own beliefs. Notice something very important. My question was how do you lead? How do you know what's right for someone else and his answer was all to do with YOU. 

Because you CANT lead another if you aren't able to do that for yourself. 

I worry constantly. I fear and doubt and hold myself as one who isn't enough. As one that isn't capable. But I want to prove my worth. I want to stand tall and proud and not doubt myself, and yet all I do is doubt. Where does that come from? Why do I feel this insecurity within myself? Is it because I know I will fail or expect myself to? Is it just a lie that I tell myself so that I have an EXCUSE when things don't go as planned? Well this whole thing failed because I knew nothing. 

But I'm the one telling myself this. Not anyone else. I'm the one saying I know nothing or is it simply that I don't know MYSELF well enough? 

He listed off a number of "know yourself" questions. Honestly I can't answer half of them and the other half I am unhappy with my answers. I really have so much to sit and learn about myself, yet I also tell myself the reason I know none of these things is because I lack experience. 

His point though is that we must be able to answer these questions before we move forward and before we can truly help guide someone else. So my reasoning "Well I don't know this because I haven't experienced it" is a lie. It's because I haven't put that effort and work into myself. Now please don't get me wrong those we interact and experience with can very much help us grow and mature. But I believe that is a different type of growth. It's external, and the strength that we need to embody and exude must come from WITHIN. It's this moment, when you can assuredly say I know myself, will you find those that believe and resonate with your core values. That there will be trust that you will be capable of guiding and *honestly* (not perfectly, not correctly but with pure intention, and the belief that your decisions are for their ultimate well being) show them to this place where your s type will be able to find peace and rest and growth. It's about being stable within yourself and not be swayed by the flashing lights and distractions that can pull us away from our own true beliefs. If we are easily swayed and pulled at in 1000 different directions how will any s type ever trust us to remain stable and secure when they NEED stability? If they feel you will shift and turn they lose all faith in your ability to hold them, and so they will find another place to put that trust, perhaps within themselves or even another. 

It is PARAMOUNT that we are stable. Secure. Steadfast. That despite whatever rocking and difficult hard uncomfortable thing stands in our way that we won't be shaken. That we can withstand that storm. Because our s types feel like they are "too much to handle". I have heard those I speak with tell me "I'm sorry, I'm a lot" but that's not the case. They are simply themselves, full of scars, bruises, trauma, they are human with their own insecurity and worries and fears. They see themselves and can be disgusted just as much as I feel that same way when I look at myself. Some days all I can see myself as is a gross mess. Incapable, small and weak. Unknowing and so unintelligent. Completely undeserving of having anyone follow me. For so many reasons, and some of those are falsehoods that I just tell myself because it's easier to discount myself. Some are real and authentic and areas that require deep, careful thought about how to fix and approach this "broken" piece within me. The funny thing is when my s type comes to me and says "I'm not enough" I affirm the crap out of what I see as valuable. Is that true, honest and sincere? From my perspective yes. But they don't see it that way(sometimes they do), and yet I do the same thing to myself. I tell myself I am not enough, and that I should be somewhere more, better, further along than I am. 

So why is it that I choose not to affirm myself? 

Why can't I look at myself and say positive wonderful things about me, even though I have heard others say it. They see my strength and character and yet I remain blind to it. It's simple. I still have questions to answer. Deep, important, pivotal, monumental questions that help define who I am. Without having those answers I will forever be lost within myself, and feeling incapable of leading anyone.

What is right? Am I following the right path? Where should I go? What's the next step? How do I take it? Is this going to lead me into destruction? Will it lead my s type down a dark path? Am I prepared for the fallout? Have I thought through this decision for myself and those that trust me to lead? 

So many questions. All hard to answer and many times we don't know the answer until we step into the situation. Then we realize "Well I done fucked up" 

But Drago made the most excellent point. We will make mistakes, and it's having people that see that and view it as failure or a learning experience? How did we act in trying to correct our behaviour? 

Did we sweep it under the rug because Me dominant, and me know what best and never wrong.... 

Well I made a mistake. A small one, and I want you to share in my experience. 

I asked a friend of mine to read a blog I wrote. I wanted her opinion because I was trying and failing to explain it to her in a way she understood, and the outside perspective with a little extra background information was key in creating understanding.

Now, I didn't think. I didn't take the necessary steps to prepare her for what she was going to read. When she got back to me she said she understood but that there was a slight hiccup. I didn't think through what I was asking her, and how my words were going to affect this very real human, that deals with emotion and all that comes with being human. When she read my blog she was hit with a huge sense of jealousy, and rightfully so. Because I didn't prepare her for what she was going to read. I didn't even think through an extra 2 seconds of how she might perceive my words. I was negligent. In a small way. But it was an opportunity for her to express herself, and to show that she could show up honestly and not hide how I made her feel. I apologized, and she apologized and then I apologized and we went back and forth. But I recognized that the way I handled the situation was poor, and I should have put myself into her shoes and seen through her eyes how those words and that information could have impacted her. I should have properly prepared her. But I gave her no warning and she walked into a concrete wall, flat faced and had to stumble back. But it was an opportunity for both of us to see how we each handle some miscommunication. We spoke and discussed and talked over and over what happened and why. We circled conversation until we both just came to an understanding. There was fault, it was mine to bear. I could have potentially stopped this incident from happening with a little more forethought on my part but at the same time mistakes are lessons learned. If you take the time to process what happened and why. If you are willing to remove ego and learn from experience. 

All of this to say each moment is a test, a lesson to be felt and understood. A chance to grow. 

But first we must grow within ourselves. Create that stability that others crave and show them that you are able to create and manage stability for YOUR life. Then and ONLY then can you begin to create stability for someone else. To guide them appropriately, safely. With confidence that whether it turn out good or bad, you will still be there to pick up the pieces and do better the next time around. 

I have much to be thankful for, the amazing people who have taken the time to offer insights and advice. I am surrounded by smart, dependable, trustworthy, honest friends that have helped me grow immeasurably. But I will constantly be learning, and adapting. 

Now is the time to turn within and focus on my core values. My beliefs. In creating an identity, a culture and a world where those around me wish to participate in. But I must do the work for myself, because no one can give me the answers. 

I asked Drago to give me some insight on a scene I am hoping to create. I am so thankful he declined. First it showed he knew it was not his place, because he did not have the necessary information to make that determination. Second part of why I was so excited to create this scene was because I felt it was a true test of myself as a dominant. This moment where I could point to and say "I am now capable". In many ways his advice would have taken all of that power away from myself. Success wouldn't have meant anything because it came at another's hand. It is not his place to lead my life, just as it's no one else's. This is my life, my journey, my road to understanding, my place to succeed or fail on my own. In my desperation to succeed I asked for his advice because success was more important than actually doing the work myself and that is such a sure way to end up stunting myself. Either this scene will go as I intend, or it won't. I don't have control over the outcome. All I can do is plan, think it through, consider my friend who I am making this for and all that she is. And try my absolute damndest to make it something positive for her and myself. No matter the outcome though I need to do the work and take care to consider how my words, actions and what I offer will affect her. We shall see what occurs, and while I am hoping for success I need to realize failure is only such if I do nothing with it. If I learn nothing and change nothing then it really truly is failure, but if I grow and understand and help my friend it's merely a lesson learned.

I am but a fledgling, still coming into his own. I am learning and becoming someone each day that I am proud of. But the path is long and hard. It doesn't come easy, if it did there wouldn't be something special about obtaining it. But I will get there. Diligently one lesson at a time. 

Thank you for the lesson, the words of encouragement and the ability to simply be myself. Broken, yet not. Imperfect and yet perfect. Incomplete and whole all at once.

Until the next time, have a day. 

Hello Cage friends.

Holy hecktackles this has been a few days of emotions and highs. I have much to share and I am so happy to be sharing this information today. 

So this lifestyle has changed my life. Pure and simple. I am very much a different man than I was a few days ago and yet I can't even recognize myself compared to when I was 18. (Although that might be because I look like Sonic the Hedgehog today since I didn't shower yesterday and my hair is a freaking mess)

But I had an experience on my last night shift that really changed my perception of myself. I feel as if I am new, reborn and more myself than I ever have been. 

Now this story I'm about to share I will do my best to make known all that there is to tell, but I won't lie it was a hectic experience and I might miss some details and probably even end up paraphrasing myself. But let's dive in. 

So I had a few things to accomplish, this was Wednesday night and my coworker and I were doing our job crushing the jobs that popped up on our queue. We still both had an opportunity (which was my last chance) to apply for the foreman position even though the posting actually closes in 3 minutes it's currently 8:57 while I am writing these words. Anyways the reason that was my last opportunity to apply is because I'm at home and there was no way I was driving into town to hand in my application. Why not do it while at work and while it's the most efficient time to do so. Well I did manage to put my hat in the ring and we shall see what comes of it. Either I get it or I don't. But that's not the point of this story. I just wanted to toot my own horn as I was able to do something good for myself. 

My coworkers girlfriend actually invited us over for a party. She was wanting to celebrate the Chinese New Year, so once we managed to take care of all of our work we wound up making our way over to her house. 

She invited us in, and introduced us to the 1 other person there. It was a fantastic 4 person party including myself. Honestly that's the kind of party I enjoy a little bit smaller and nothing super insane, but it also depends on my mood but typically in large loud parties I end up finding a "quietish" corner and hang out there. I know how to small talk, it's just not always the most enjoyable for me. I would rather have an in depth conversation with 1 or 2 people than speak to 50 about the same 2 topics. 

So there we were having a fun an eventful time, she welcomed us into her home and wanted to share in the celebration with us. She offered us food and drink and all sorts of the usual party fairs. There was a little bit of music on the background but it wasn't very loud or obnoxious. (Which I liked). Now here's where things got interesting. 

**Okay, I need to point out just a bit of background information to help bring understanding to this situation. First let me say this I was extremely grateful to be there, I was extremely grateful to have been offered what I was, and I was enjoying myself the entire time. Now my partner's girlfriend just recently had a wonderful moment for herself. She was assisting with some less than fortunate souls and during that interaction she wound up deciding for herself what her street name would be. Essentially her nickname. She called herself Queen, and subsequently her boyfriend King. Now let me say this they do not participate in bdsm and until this evening she was unaware of bdsm outside of the typical vanilla response. These names hold no association with the title**

She was having a wonderful time, and I won't lie there was a tiny part of me that felt like a dick but the thing is I take this lifestyle very seriously. So as we began to sit down she offered all of us some chowder that she had made and all manner of different things to eat. When we sat down to her table we were all about to begin eating when she suddenly felt the need for everyone to recognize her nickname. She wanted me to acknowledge and call her Queen. Everyone else had already acknowledged and called her Queen and were beginning to dig in. But I had to take a big deep breath. She had absolutely no idea *to me* what she was asking. Now I understand this is just a nickname. Honestly I could have easily called her that and enjoyed my steaming hot bowl of chowder along with my drink and the rest of the evening would have spun out completely differently. Now to me, she was asking something so simple but there is a much deeper meaning that I associate with the title Queen, because I very much only view it as a title. If I were to offer that title it is to someone who has earned it from me, not just with offerings of food and drink and welcoming me into her home. Any friend would do the same. The title Queen is reserved for one who has shown me that I am held within a very VERY special place within her heart. That she cares for me with the depth of her soul and that she would protect, guide, cherish and love the mother loving crap out of me. I would do anything for my Queen and I do not take giving up that title to anyone easily. 

So we begin the insanity. 

She requested that I call her Queen, I took my deep breath and slowly exhaled. I told her, "I'm sorry, but I can't do that". The immediate look on my partner's face was one of understanding. He at least knows that bdsm goes beyond sex. That sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with being sexually intimate. Here is another part of why I couldn't do that, and that I explained to her. I have 3 very close friends that I consider to be candidates for a potential dynamic. In my mind, if I were to offer this title (because I really can't see it any other way) to this near stranger I would be doing an incredible disservice to the amazing women who consider my potential as a dominant/switch. Now I do know her, and I have met and spent some time with her. But I know nothing about her hobbies and I know nothing about who she is outside of some of the stories my partner has told me. There is a depth that I just don't know her well enough. 

Now when I brought up my 3 friends she asked me which I wanted and I said all 3. The thing is I never once lied to her. I very much desire to have a dynamic with all 3 of these people I am speaking with. Just because I desire that and yes things are progressing well but there are a number of things that could go wrong and the likelihood that I can't actually have all 3 at the same time. Not only because of distance but because that wouldn't work. I've had this discussion and I know and understand this, but that doesn't stop my heart from wanting a deep and personal connection with each of them even at the same time. Not only that there are a number of things that can occur that might lead us into realizing we are just friends or not quite right for each other or perhaps even maybe that there is someone more deserving than I to be their true one. In all of these cases yes it would hurt, but I want their happiness more than I want to be with them. I want them all to find that perfect person that absolutely completes them and yes I want that person to be me. But I understand I'm not perfect for everyone and there is still much to decide and see what happens in the future. 

So!!! Now that you can witness a portion of the depth of what I feel for each individual I consider a candidate I could not call this near stranger "Queen". 

Needless to say she was taken aback. She was insulted and hurt a little bit. So she said and rightfully so "You come into my house, eat my food, drink my beer, and you won't call me Queen??? Then you dont deserve to eat" I understood and I had no issues with that, so I told her to take my food and drink which she did. Now this absolutely set her off because she couldn't understand why I wouldn't call her this. When she asked me I told her "I can tell you, but you have to consent to knowing" and she got a little bit huffy and said she didn't want to know. So I did not have consent to tell her this part of me, but she wasn't going to stop there. She asked me question after question. I responded as completely truthfully without giving anything away but dropping hints and words and subtle answers that if you knew of bdsm you would have begun to piece it together. Now my friend and co-worker had parts of this understanding, literally earlier in the night he made a comment about people ending up in dungeons and my response was "Some people like that". So he had an inkling, and as I began answering her questions and holding to my own beliefs and values I could see him and he began to understand a small piece of this. He was howling with laughter because he understood how seriously I take this. I was NOT fooling around, because it was dead serious to me.

She asked me "Who are you?" I responded "I'm a guide". Now you also have to realize throughout this entire conversation I was seated with my hands together, relaxed, calm, and finding it slightly humourous that she was getting so worked up. But she claimed that her domain was limitless and I asked her "Who is it that leaders have no power over?" My intent was to point her in the direction of "other leaders". When you consider a medieval theme (since they went there with it might as well keep on the analogy) I saw it as if she was Queen of her own country and I consider myself a King of my own domain. She is not apart of my domain and I see her apart of my partner's. The only time I would ever go into any form of interaction with her which she commented on I would require consent from my work partner and his understanding as well. But that wasn't what she was really after and she was starting to get worked up over all of this. 

I saw her get to the point where she lost her patience and I stated "First you must master patience before all else". 

She was confused and eventually it got to the point where she broke down and consented to knowing. And so for the first time in my life I admitted to a group of people in my physical space that I practice bdsm and consider myself a "lifestyler". She really didn't understand and so I tried to explain to her. This was a huge step for me to be able to admit to a good friend, a relatively new friend and a complete stranger that I practiced bdsm. I felt accomplished. I held myself with dignity and integrity. I didn't allow myself to get worked up even at moments of being frustrated and pissed off with just 2 things she commented on. Her comments were about the 3 candidates that I have chosen, the thing was she was being extremely presumptuous and making judgements against them WITHOUT KNOWING A SINGLE THING ABOUT THEM. Then she made a comment about my standards.... I did not retaliate with anything but calm truthful answers but inside it really fucking bothered me that she could make a judgement so flippantly over individuals that I have nothing but complete respect and admiration for. As I mentioned earlier I also know nothing about her hobbies, but the same is true. She knows nothing about me and especially the standard to which I expect and keep for those that I spend my time with. But other than those 2 comments I was truly enjoying myself. Even after I told her about the fact that I practiced bdsm she was of the mindset that it's all about sex, but she wasn't interested in actually having a conversation about it. Although, I might have turned that complete stranger that I met for the first time into it because he was asking questions and looking to find out a little more. But I tried my best to educate as much as I could although once she got into the fact that I practiced bdsm she wanted to know how "fucked up I was and what weird shit I was into". The look on my co-workers face said he did not consent to knowing this and luckily we wound up distracting her with other topics of conversation soon after because we had reached partial understanding of why I wouldn't call her Queen. The most hilarious part of all of this exchange was to me in my mind her request to be called Queen was simply a test for me. I told her as much and she was baffled "I'm the test??" She asked with such disbelief on her face. 

We even encountered a situation that I am very proud of. Apparently she offered me some cake and wrote Queen on the bottom of it, and once I had eaten it she told me that I had accepted her since it was now apart of me. I responded "Are you serious about that?" She said "Yes" with a triumphant look on her face. So I immediately stood up and was fully intending to go into her bathroom and force myself to expel all the food that I had eaten that night, because when she had denied me the chowder she replaced it with broccoli and cherry tomatoes. (Which was excellent since I enjoy broccoli and tomatoes) but I was fully prepared to expel all of the contents in my stomach, just in order to deny her. As I stood up to go to the washroom she immediately caved and broke down "No, I didn't mean that!!!" I don't think she really took me seriously at all, but I can't blame her because she really doesn't understand the depth of what it means to live this as a lifestyle. 

Throughout all of this, I very much was happy about my behaviour. I honoured myself, I honoured those that I consider dear to my heart and I was able to educate if only a little about what this life means. Not only that I was able to express out loud to actual people (Sorry internet people you are just robots to me) <<<< poor joke, you are all very much significant and very much "actual people" to me because I consider myself apart of this community. But to say to people in my personal life that I spend time with was a stepping stone that I had not crossed yet. And I am very proud of what I managed to achieve that night. I feel like I absolutely passed this test that I set in my mind. I absolutely felt as if I was a dominant. I absolutely felt like this was a brand new beginning for me. 

We eventually left and that's when I spent the next couple of hours finishing my application for my foreman position. So just an extremely positive and abundant night for me. 

Fast forward to being home, getting sleep and waking up around noon. I had to meet with my parents because yesterday was the day I received my inheritance. 

I am struggling under a financial weight. I have been for years. I made very poor choices and I put myself in such a hard, stressful position because I did the best I could with what I had but ultimately made some very poor financial decisions that has put me here. My parents have recently come back into my life and now they are aware of where I'm at and know the depth of my situation financially. They have offered many means to be able to help me and part of that was offering me my inheritance early to pay off a cash money loan that was destroying my ability to survive and cutting my legs out from under me. They also wound up replacing my furnace because it was broken and a few other things to help secure my well being. But before I went to meet with them I was struggling. I was feeling ashamed at my poor decisions, and I was feeling grief over the fact that my parents original goal was to use this money to go on vacation and experience something new and somewhere new. I was on the verge of tears because I felt like I had ruined their opportunity. But a very good friend made the distinction between that of a d/s relationship and what my parents were doing. A submissive must come to their dominant and say I can't do this on my own and I need help. Which was what I had done with my parents. I needed help and I couldn't do it on my own. The other thing that really changed my perspective was that most people do not have a chance to show their parents what they do with the inheritance given them, but I have the opportunity to show to them that their gift is not wasted. That it is something I have used to further my growth and immensely improve my life. That my inheritance will not be wasted and that I will share with them the abundance that I have received and hope to multiply it and that they may see the difference made in my life. 

This is very much a new beginning for me. The first steps to controlling my life. My self. My finances. My domain that I hope to hold ownership over. I am making effort each day and there is so much good in my life. 

This is a new beginning and I am excited for the journey. Thank you for being apart of it, and I hope to be able to continue to share with all of you where I end up. 

Till the next time, have a day. 

Hello Cage friends,

I was being super silly earlier when attempting to write this blog and by happen stance it was deleted. But all things occur for a reason as I just had a "Yowza" kind of moment. 

First let me say take a minute and I hope to direct you to CivilizedStallions blog "You're More Than You Think". Superbly written and very much my mentality in regards to this lifestyle. I used to have a massive problem in University actually more than a few, but I ultimately wound up failing out because I was not able to manage the mountain range of tasks that was set before me. I forgot the most basic thing. You don't do anything large. You take it one portion, one small tiny step towards the grander picture. You don't paint a masterpiece using one stroke. It's in the hundreds of thousands of tiny detailed strokes that create the masterpiece. 

So first a warning to new dominants, do not rush. It's not a race to see who can finish first. It's not about accomplishing everything today. Depending where you start you might have 100,000 steps or maybe just 10,000 if you already have previous background experience etc etc. 

Today was a monumental day. I had amazing conversation at the end of my night shift with some good friends, my coworker and I were listening to some fantastic music while we worked and I was able to offer some support to a friend through a story written for her. 

Not only that when I got home I was able to connect with someone who has always helped me see things clearly and today was even better than I could have imagined. Not only did our conversation yield fruit for myself but it opened her eyes just a little. We both were able to walk away with some new information and I was excited. 

The concept that we were working on revolved around a conversation we had in the past. That previous conversation was about being able to work on a scene together. Now this is a really big opportunity for me. I have been here around 8 months maybe? Check my sign up date because I'm not doing it. Anyways, despite my time here and as far as I have come learning more about myself, gaining a lot more self awareness and many other skills that have slowly been added even without my understanding that they were there I have never actually had a scene with ANYONE. 

Now if you are a long time subscriber to my blog you will know that I mentioned very early on about how I got into this lifestyle with my ex. But we didn't scene. I was instadomming like a kid in a parade. I honestly had no understanding of what I was doing, trying to accomplish and because of that things stagnated and we came to the realization we weren't correct for each other, and of course there is a lot more to that whole implosion of a relationship and it was not just that conversation but a myriad of things that led to its downfall. (Starting correctly really helps) just one more tidbit of useful information. 

After all this time I have an opportunity to put everything I have learned to the test. To begin to prove to myself that I am more than a top, but a legitimate fully recognizable dominant within my own eyes. 

The thing is about the intention. It's about understanding why I want this. What about it drives me and to what purpose? It's about seeing a need for my s type. What is something that I can actively try to improve in her life? So you focus on what you know about her. You take the time to consider her, and all that she is and that you have come to know. Suddenly you can see it, that thing that monster, that grotesque piece that they scream and yell inside at themselves for. That thing that holds power over them in some aspects despite how well they try and hide it. 

So you've identified your target, okay so now what? What do you do? What's the plan from here? How do you change that? Is it a simple one step process? *note above* So what is the goal, and how do you see that becoming a reality. What steps will be taken in order to make this change. 

So you start to see parts of it, but there is much to work on. That's alright though, despite what you are looking to do rushing the process because you are excited won't lead to any benefit. You need to remain calm and slowly methodically work through. 

The next step would be to enact it. To put it into practice and see how it goes. 

Then the part that I was lacking. 

It's understanding what you want for your s type, how they begin to see what you want for them and then the actual response of reality and it affecting them. Which is where aftercare comes in to evaluate. 

Okay, did my intention and my suspected goal of what I wanted to achieve and where I wanted to lead my s type, did we get there? Is her answer to my scene during the conversation had (which might be the "after" aftercare) depending on the scene. But did her answer and response and what she received line up with my intended goal? Did we achieve harmony within this kink we both enjoy and get something out of?

If YES, then: celebrate!!! And proceed to step 2. 

If NO, then carefully examine why it didn't work. Where was the miscommunication. Was it that my goal was unrealistic? Was it that I just choose the wrong method to bring across this idea I am hoping to instill? Was it that my s type was in the wrong headspace or what, why, and how will I do better NEXT time. Especially using this new information gained. A little clearer picture, but more work to do. 

I am very optimistic about my first scene although I don't think it will be something that I post about as that it will remain for my friend and it will be her choice to share the experience if she so chooses. 

The greatest thing about this concept? 

I applied to not to a scene but a conversation.....

Yeah have you ever had "aftercare" over a conversation. If you haven't I would suggest giving it a try.

So after my conversation with my friend and the gift of knowledge that she was able to bestow upon me, I didn't even realize it until I was speaking with another friend and saw a clear opportunity to put this into practice. I was kind of chuckling to myself as if I was the most clever person, like I had figured out some cheat code to life and the game of bdsm. (Please do not take that literally, I very much consider this a lifestyle and hope to embody it within everything I do)

During this conversation, I was able to see and ask myself, what is my intention behind this and what do I hope her response will be/what am I expecting it to be? Am I able to read her mind and predict hopefully how my line of questioning is directing her for what I had intended it to be. 

Turns out the mark was missed a tad. Because I designed it so that the test was built into the second question that seemingly had nothing to do with what was going on, but in reality it was the hidden test that was supposed to be unseen for a reason. I was looking for her genuine reaction. And if she had known I was intending something and she decided to choose the correct answer then I would have been given a false positive and gone into step 2 without actually having achieved our first building block. 

So without her knowledge the hidden test was implemented. The thing is if she had answered the way I imagined, then I would have celebrated with her and told her about her unknowing successes and we could have taken one step further into trust and understanding. 

But that didn't happen. So I went back and tried to explain myself and my reasoning and did a little aftercare, determining where things went wrong and what the breakdown was. Luckily her answers offered some insight but ultimately I also realized my method was incorrect. The goal was very likely not going to be reached by my line of questioning, but that's okay. Information gained. Lesson learned. 

Time to try again. 

Hopefully more progress will be made. 

Till next time, have a day.